Great. Great, Megamind. You couldn't go a full month without getting yourself on Metro Man's enemy list? It's not like he'd be fine with Bernard 2.0 dating his girlfriend.
Megamind zips Bernard 2.0's new coat up (Yay, he finally fixed the clothing adapter! He can take articles on and off now! Like a normal person!) and smiles as Roxanne tells him about her story at work. Ungloved fingers wiggle in his coat pockets. It feels so weird to run around without gloves.
No no. This is fine. This is two friends going to the boardwalk together.
Not a problem. Metro Man isn't going to fly down from the sky and pummel him into the cobblestone.
Bernard's face shifts up at the snow-filled clouds all the same.
"Have you tried Wolfie's? I know it's kind of cold for ice cream, but they're so good."
"Roxanne. It is never too cold for iced cream." He smirks at her. "What about all those poor children born in the winter? Do they not get frozen birthday treats?"
"They could always have cake?"
He gasps dramatically, making her grin. "You take that back! Iced cream is the superior dessert. Unless it's cheesecake. Or German chocolate cake. And the lemon varieties are quite nice as well."
She smiles, "You're ridiculous."
"I am merely appraising desserts based off of sucrose content and statistical popularity of flavor and then assigning them a ranking based off of those appraisals!"
The warmth of victory spreads over his cheeks as she giggles at him, looking at him with her glittering blue eyes.
He practically cackles in evil glee, ordering the largest size of Cookie Peanut Butter Monster they had and adding no less than 11 toppings. Minion would be throwing a coral reef if he knew how much sugar he was eating. Roxanne laughed when he wanted to order another and let him finish her chocolate with salted caramel drizzle instead.
Absolutely fizzing on sugar, Bernard 2.0 practically runs from stall to stall around the boardwalk. When Roxanne laces her cold fingers in his, probably because she's chilly right?, he happily tugs her along with him.
As the winter sky darkens with the sunset mostly hidden behind snowy clouds, she directs them to the Ferris wheel.
"Ooo!" As soon as she sits, she jumps up again, rubbing her hands over the back of her pants. "Seat's cold."
Frowning, he half-wishes he could pull out his nifty De-gun to warm her seat. But then he bites his lip when she gets up from her side to sit beside him, her whole side brushing faintly against his.
Ah haha. Don't worry, Metro Man! She's just cold! I'm not trying to adore her with affection the way she deserves. No no! Everyone is just cold here.
Bernard 2.0 clears his throat, giving her a tight smile as their carriage starts to lift. The higher they rise, the smaller the people below become, leaving their roar of chatter with them.
"Ahhh," he sighs, letting his shoulders relax against the back of the chair. "It's so quiet already. I'm just so used to constant noise."
"Yeah?" she smiles at him and he grins right back because, wow Roxanne Ritchi is actually sitting here with him .
Bernard 2.0 manages to only stiffen slightly when she leans back with him, resting her arm against him. He stiffens completely when she leans her head on his shoulder.
"It is nice, isn't it? The city is a little more quiet. You can see the building lights." She takes a deep breath and sighs, putting more weight on his arm.
He holds very very still, blinking.
She hums a little, the wind carrying the faint smell of her perfume to his nose. He breathes in slowly, exhales.
"Wow."
"Hmm," she hums again. "I know. The air's better up here, too, right? I, can i tell you a secret?"
His temptress lifts teasing blue eyes to him and he grins.
"I used to smoke," she said quiet enough that only he could hear. "It made my throat and lungs feel like garbage . So taking really deep breaths in fresh air like this, it still feels so good."
His brows jumped. That was something he did not know about his former kidnapee.
"I am glad you don't smoke anymore…"
"Me too. I only did it then because… well." She shuffled in her seat a little. "There was this boy in school who was really hot. Black leather jacket, motorcycle, eyeliner. Everything. And he smoked. So I thought if I smoked, he'd want to date me or something."
She laughed a little at herself as Megamind felt his nerves tingle with this new information about Roxanne's bad boy phase.
"Oh. Sorry, could you not tell anyone that? People are especially unkind to those in the public eye…"
Well, that's an understatement.
The cold winter air and the warm companion next to him lulls him to feel quite relaxed. At the top of the Ferris wheel, she loops her arm in his and leans across him to look out the other side of the carriage. Her lovely face is so so close to his as she murmurs about the lights reflecting off of the lake.
When they exit the wheel, she laces their cold hands back together and a shiver runs down the back of his neck.
"Did you want to go in any of the shops?" she asks.
He runs his eyes across them, then doubles back to a storefront. "Oh! Donuts?" Bernard's eager grin got a much harder laugh from her than he was expecting.
"Do you sweat sugar? Oh my stars, Bernard," she laughs, as he can't help but lean a little closer, giving her a look through his glasses.
"I just really like sweet things," he says softly, and she blushes down adorably.
And maybe he shouldn't have. Because she's Metro Man's. And yes, she's holding his hand, but it's only because she's cold. And should he have just gone in a shop and bought her gloves? Technically yes, but he also didn't really want to. And he's been dreaming about holding her hand for practically the entire 13 months he's been kidnapping her—no scratch that, he doesn't kidnap her anymore. Altough he rather misses tying her to a chair and letting her tease him with her clever quips and…. And….
"Stars, your eyes are gorgeous," he breathes, watching her eyebrows rise.
"Oh," she grins, glancing to the side, then back again. And patch, he just wants to chase her. "I was just thinking the same thing about you."
He blinks rapidly. "You were?"
"You have the prettiest eyes I've ever seen."
She bites her lip and aaaaahahaha. That is not fair. She cannot possibly be this charming when she's not safely tied up away from his grasp. Not when she's inches away. And he can count the freckles on her cheeks. And he can feel her breath lightly tickle across his face.
Her nose wrinkles slightly, but it looks a little… blurry. Because she's leaning so close. And. Her lips are the most perfect shade of watermelon pink. Or possibly closer to rouge pink. And ohhhhhhh-backup-backup-backup!
Bernard 2.0 takes a step back, pushing his glasses higher on his nose.
Off limits! Not yours! Ugh, he cannot blow this! Getting to be friends with Roxanne is this precious gift the universe gave him. He cannot afford to do something immensely foolish like kiss her and make her reject his friendship.
"Um. Do you, want donuts?"
She tilted her chin at him, rouge lips smiling cutely. Cod, they're definitely rouge. Maybe they taste like watermelon. Or cherry Chapstick.
"I have a great donut recipe if you want it? My aunt made a super easy, cheater recipe. They're my favorite donuts, honestly."
"Ohh! You can cook donuts?"
"Well, yeah," she grins.
"Ohhh," he awes. "I would love to learn to cook! Not cook. Bake. I want to make desserts ."
Minion's ultra-healthy nutrition regimen does not include nearly enough desserts! And even then, they are the horrible desserts that don't have butter or sugar or whatever.
She laughs. "Do you want me to show you how to make my aunt's donuts?"
"Really?"
"Yeah. We can go to the store after this and get ingredients."
Oh. Like tonight? At her apartment?
Alone?
"Um." Bernard 2.0 smiles a tight smile. It would be rude to decline, right? "Yes. Yes, that's a generous offer. Thank you."
Flirty eyes meet his, and he finds his center of gravity leaning ever closer to her.
While they walk to her apartment, her cold hand is still laced in his, and Megamind's cheeks are smiling so hard his facial muscles hurt. Peeving stars, he should have done this months ago.
At her apartment with grocery bags spilled on the table, Roxanne's delicate fingers are showing him how to stretch out the dough to shape rings. Evidently, a super easy, cheater recipe is just deep frying a can of pop-up biscuits. Delicious?
"What was your favorite thing you got for Christmas?"
He glanced up at her, fingers still shaping dough. "Well…"
"Don't say my book."
"Awe, but it was so good."
"You already finished it?" Roxanne laughs, bumping her hip into his and he has to burry his fingers into the bowl to not touch the warm spot she left behind.
"Ok, not including the book I gave you then?"
"My, friend named a star after me."
"Woah! Really? That's cool. So there's a Bernard star out there?"
"Uh, no. Um. It's a… nickname." He glanced at her expectant face, then away. "He named it Cyr'xon. "
"Serksahn?"
He nodded, neck stiffening at the sound on Roxanne's tongue. "It's just something, from when we were kids. How about you?," he rambles quickly. "Did your boyfriend get you something nice? Like an island in the Caribbean that he named after you?"
She drops the first few rings to sizzle in the hot oil and makes a face he can't quite identify. "I'm not actually dating anyone at the moment."
Dough dropped limp from his fingertips and he scrambled to scoop it back up. "You—you broke up with Metro M- Man ?
"Wayne? No, we never actually dated," she wrinkled her nose. "That's just something the tabloids kept saying."
Megamind's brain ker-thunked ungracefully as he bit his lips to hide a grin. "Really?"
I'm sorry WHAT? She's not dating him? She NEVER dated him?! This is not possible. This is not real. In what universe is Roxanne Ritchi not dating Metro Man, and inviting him to her apartment, and drugging him with her stunning charm?
She flipped over a donut to revealed the golden brown under side.
"No. Wayne is really not my type." Sly blue eyes met his and he glanced down.
She's…. not dating him. And he's not. her. type.
"O-oh. Um. Then uh—" What is your type?
What IS your type?
Tell me .
"—what," he swallows, feeling pinned by the devilish look on her face. "Whatdowedonow?" he blurts, bringing her the rest of the shaped dough.
Her hand grasps his wrist and his breath catches. Ah. He pushed up his sleeves so Roxanne is… very much touching skin right now. Holding him in one hand, she takes his plate with the other and sets it aside, then hands him a brown paper bag filled with powdered sugar.
"Now, you hold this open and I'll drop these inside without burning you."
Lips pressed together, he nods and releases a breath when she steps back to the stove. Hot donuts in the bag, she has him roll the top and shake on the sugar while she fries more, telling him about the air-cleaning plant set her sister gave her for Christmas.
He bites into a donut, hot grease and sticky powdered sugar clinging to his teeth, and he moans . "Trakhni menya," he curses, then blushes in surprise at himself.
"This is… exquisite doughy goodness! Roxanne!" Eagerly finishing the donut in two bites, he grabs the three remaining donuts off of the plate. Holding one up to her, "try this. You need to. Roxanne, it's so good!"
Fingers wrap over his so she can bring the donut closer to bit it. Small crumbs of powdered sugar lingering on her lips. Cod her lips .
"Mmm. Good batch," she agrees, bringing his hand closer to take another bite before releasing him to flip the next four.
"Good is not good enough," he urges, eating another in three bites. "These are wickedly marvelous in their sugary sweetness! Here. You need to finish this one or I will."
She laughs. "You finish it. I'll have one of these."
"Ohmm-nom-nom." He humms happily around powdered sugar.
Evil cod, can his mouth even be this happy? He didn't even know mouths could be happy!
Alien belly full of 10 and one-half donuts, Bernard 2.0 flops down on her sofa and does some heavy breathing, head laid on the back edge of her couch.
He lays a hand over his face with an "ugh," then grins broadly.
The couch dips next to him and Roxanne pats his chest. "What?"
"Nothing," he breaths, rolling his face sideways to look at her. "I'm just, having the best day of my life, don't mind me."
She bursts out with giggles and he flushes, realizing what he actually said.
You can't say things like that out loud!
His eyes drift over to her boxes of mostly re-filled Christmas decorations. A box wrapped in blue paper with a white bow catches his eye.
"Oh, you missed a Christmas present."
She darts a glance at the gift and jerks her head away. "Oh," she murmurs, frowning. "No. That was actually a birthday present…"
"Hm? Oh."
Leaning back against the cushion of the couch, bringing their shoulders together. Roxanne tilts her head back and forth a little as if debating in her head.
"It's, well," she whispers, "It was for Megamind."
"W-what?" he blurts, feeling his insides give a violent shake.
She grimaces. "I know it's. It's weird isn't it?"
He blinks at her.
She sighs, "I know. I had it in my purse the day he… On his birthday and I didn't get to give it to him."
Roxanne frowns down to her lap, then leans herself further into his arm, pressing her face to his shoulder. She gives him a worried look from under her lashes.
"Oh." So much to process. "You… you know his birthday?"
She lifts a shoulder. "Mmm. It was a pretty educated guess. Based partially off of what Wayne told me of how they both got here, but also based off of him putting kidnappings always on that day. I figured it had to be something significant for a reason. And it was close to the general range so."
"Oh." Wide green eyes stare down at her while she wraps an arm around his middle, snuggling closer.
She's sad about this. And the fact that she's seeking him for comfort is…
A shiver of pleasure skips down his spine.
She speaks softly, "Yeah.. Now I just don't know what to do with it. I should probably just open it and give it to Goodwill or something but. I don't really want to."
Oh.
He… doesn't know how to feel about this. Happy. But guilty about being happy. And overwhelmingly flattered, because his clever, challenging, beautiful kidnapped got him a birthday present?! And he.
Oh cod. Roxanne.
Her sad face is staring blankly at Bernard 2.0's leg.
Biting his lip, he gingerly reaches his free hand over to run lightly down her arm. Her bare arm. Nnneega-a-ah .
When she responds by snuggling a little closer to his arm that she kidnapped, he melted and traced patterns over her arm.
That night, as Megamind made it back to No-Longer-Evil Lair, he trudged through the door. Slumping down into his high-backed black leather chair, Megamind cranked off his disguise watch and sighed loudly.
He slouched in half, resting his pointy chin on his desk.
"Sir?"
"Mmm?"
"Was, ah, was there a problem today, Sir?"
Megamind sighed again.
There are so many things the universe has dangled in front of his face and then withheld from him. This is… she is just another one of those things, right.
His long, unlucky life.