You laid in your bed, heart racing, cheeks on fire, flipping and rolling around as you agonized with excruciating excitement coupled with mild embarrassment. Your thoughts raced along with your heart, flying around your mind before you could even acknowledge them. You replayed the scene in your head over and over again, feeling confused and worried and in love all at the same time.
This was the type of feeling you'd always hated. Being infatuated with someone, spending months dreaming and fantasizing and hoping something good would ever come of it… even though nothing had ever come from your hopeless romances before. You pushed that thought away, fighting with yourself on whether or not to accept that Ghost might actually like you. It was hard to deal with, and even harder to come to a decision. On one hand, you knew it would be smart to send your romantic fantasies to the grave deep inside your mind. If you did that, your feelings could never get hurt. But on the other hand, you just didn't want to. You wanted to play about in your daydreams with Simon forever, swimming around in his handsome, mysterious and thoughtful gaze, forever admiring his broad shoulders and deep, serious looks. Forever reveling in that night he'd pulled you into his lap to protect you from the cold, your arms wrapped around his muscular shoulders as he carried you through the forest. Waking up to yourself squeezing his arm between yours, nuzzling your forehead into his dense bicep. His whisper in your ear when you'd passed out cold, and then that deep feeling that had passed between you two after you'd asked him for a kiss.
How could you ignore all that? How could you let it go? You craved that from him, and more.
With returning sadness, you began to think about Simon as a person without you, before he'd ever met you. He was a hardened, serious man. One who was not easily overcome by emotion. He'd gruesomely murdered many people. You'd seen him keep his head on straight in situations that would cause most to falter. All that said, you had never once seen him interested or enamored with a woman - actually, it seemed as if he mostly ignored them, except at work. He had barely paid any attention to you until you were at least few months in. It made you wonder if he had any romantic interest at all.
What if he's completely closed off to the idea of love and romance? What if he just doesn't see people that way?
Your heart sank. Deep down, you knew him to be that type - all business, no play. Simon probably saw love and romance as below him - nothing but a nuisance and a distraction from his job. It caused your thoughts to venture farther into a darker hole that you had no business being in... What if Simon was the type to enjoy random hookups? He is a human after all, and humans have needs. You knew it was wrong and inappropriate, and quite frankly none of your business. But the thought of him enjoying other random women tore a hole in your heart. You didn't like it.
You caught yourself before you could sink any father into that rabbit hole, quickly self-soothing by asking yourself, when does he even have time to do that? Task Force 141 barely came into contact with women anyway. Thinking about it, the last time he'd even have had the chance was probably long before you ever arrived, and therefore it didn't matter.
Finally forcing yourself out of the hole you'd dug yourself into, you jumped out of bed and pulled on some day-clothes. You checked your phone, seeing the time: 11:51. About the same time Soap and Price usually have lunch.
Searching for something to distract yourself from your hopeless thoughts, you slipped on your shoes and hurriedly walked out of your room, jogging to the canteen and praying Price and Soap would be there.
You peeked your head around the corner, relief filling your heart as your wishes were granted. You were planning to jokingly assert yourself into the middle of their conversation when the presence of another person at their table piqued your interests.
It was a man who appeared to be in his late 20s, wearing the trademark green and brown Marine camouflage with masculine hands gripped around the bread of a juicy burger. You watched as he lifted the burger to his lips, taking a bite, his chiseled jawline working as he chewed it. His veined hands set the burger back down and you caught a glimpse of the muscles of his bicep curling and flexing slightly with his casual movements.
Oh, my God. He's fucking hot.
You cursed yourself for staring, and cursed yourself again at the nervousness that fluttered up in your heart when you realized you were about to have to meet this man. Soap caught sight of you then, and the three faces at the table turned to look at you when he waved you over, his mouth too full of burger to speak any words.
You followed his motion, wearing a polite smile as you pulled out the chair next to him, taking a seat.
"Y/N," Soap said when he was done chewing. "Meet Sergeant Drake. He might be joining the team."
Price nodded his head, setting his own burger back down on the plate. "Happy to have him here. He's got more experience with parts of Maghrebi's organization than most of us do. Hoping he'll be able to help us get back on track."
You looked at him coolly then, your curious eyes meeting his, sending your heart aflutter once again. You saw two beautiful blue orbs that matched the colors of the sea. "Nice to meet you," you said after Price was done talking.
"Likewise," he responded, his voice matching his appearance in masculinity and depth. "Y/N?"
"Yep."
"I hear you're a man-killer."
You gulped, the 3 Russians you'd taken down wafting up ruefully in your mind. "Yeah," you stammered out nervously, unsure what else to say.
Soap clapped you lightly on the back. "She's just bein' shy. She'll warm up to ya."
You smiled, your gaze meeting Drake's as he gave you one last glance before taking another bite out of the burger. Price and Soap began chattering next to you, but you zoned them out as you wondered if Ghost had met this recruit yet. You'd been around him long enough to know that he wasn't very fond of new team members - he'd told you once that the larger a group gets, the harder it is to know who you can trust. When you'd first joined the unit, Simon hadn't trusted you at all. In the beginning you could always feel him watching you, measuring your responses to certain situations. At times he'd tested your trustworthiness by setting you up to uncover pertinent information, giving you the opportunity to disclose it or not.
You had passed his tests, eventually earning a comfortable place beneath his authoritative wing. Although it annoyed you at first, you eventually came to appreciate it, realizing that it meant you were surrounded by trustworthy people who would absolutely keep you safe. You wondered if this guy would pass those tests as well.
Soap pulled you from your thoughts, nudging your side and nodding his head in the direction of the cafeteria. "Go get a burger before they're gone."
You did as he said, happy for the invitation to go somewhere else instead of having to attempt to get to know a stranger. You stood from the table, saying bye to your friends, and made your way to the cafeteria.
There was a line of people waiting for their food. You recognized some of them passively, but many of them you felt as if you'd never seen before. The compound you all were housed in was made up of a few different groups of people, the 141 being the smallest group of them all, earning each of you separate dorms instead of shared rooms the way many of these soldiers had.
You took your place in line behind a red-haired ponytailed woman. She heard you approaching behind her, flipping her hair around and back as she turned to briefly glance at who stood behind her. You offered her a small, polite smile until she turned away, grabbing a plate and shuffling forward behind the soldiers before her.
You inched forward as well, grabbing yourself a plate, when a dark-clothed arm and a skeleton printed glove reached past you, plucking one up and returning to its owner.
You turned, seeing Simon looming over you. Your eyes met his as he gazed down at you with low, half-lidded eyes. Oh, how you wished you could see his face beneath that mask.
He said nothing to you, just stared down at you until you finally turned to face forward again, your cheeks burning as you realized you'd just missed an opportunity to mutter a hello. He was so good at catching you when you least expected it.
You hoped the awkwardness you felt wasn't radiating off you and seeping into him. In times like these you barely knew what to do with your hands, how to hold your shoulders, and hell - you even found yourself overthinking how much of a step you should take when you eventually shuffled forward. You held your breath, trying to calm your nerves as you reminded yourself I'm just getting lunch, nothing to see here.
You shuffled forward once more until it was your turn to hold out your plate, muttering that you'd like a burger please. The plate was handed back to you with a large burger and a bed of fries which you took gratefully, your stomach rumbling. You made your way over to the condiments table where you dressed your burger the way you liked, moving to the side to make room as Simon set his plate down to dress his burger as well. You saw with amusement that he'd gotten two patties instead of one.
You bit your lip as you saw him reach for the mayo, placing a dollop of it on the bun and nothing else. You both picked up your plates and you paused, trying to catch his attention.
"Hey, L.T.," you said, trying not to sound nervous. "Want to have lunch with me?"
Your heart fluttered when his eyes flickered down to meet yours.
You looked up at him towering over you, awaiting his response.
"No."
He turned and walked away.
You stood there with your plate in your hand. Your heart sank deep into your stomach. You watched, mouth slightly agape, as he strolled nonchalantly out of the cafeteria doors.
You hurriedly gathered yourself and darted from the cafeteria, making sure to leave out of the door Simon hadn't used. You partially jogged all the way back to your room, your heart racing as you pleaded with anything above to let you make it there before you ran into anyone else.
You yanked open your door with one hand, setting your plate down on the table and immediately slamming yourself face-first onto the bed.
"AAAAAAAAHHHH!" You cried into the pillow. "Damn it!" You moaned, your fist coming down on the bed in agony. "I'm so fucking stupid!"
He doesn't want to eat lunch with me.
He sure as hell doesn't want to kiss me.
Your face burned as you fought the tears that threatened to begin pouring down your face, biting them back as hard as you could before slowly losing that battle. You could feel them coming on like a waterfall, pooling down and drenching your pillow.
You laid there, crying silently for a few minutes, pieces of your heart breaking off as you lamented over the rejection. That was everything you needed to become fully convinced that Simon had no interest in you at all. You began feeling like a complete imbecile, thinking back on the fact that you'd asked him to fucking kiss you. Idiot!
Such an unapologetic rejection, too. "No," he'd said, turning and walking away from you as if you barely even existed.
Your heart was crumbling.
You flipped over onto your back, reaching into your pocket for your phone. You fumbled over the passcode a few times before finally getting in and immediately dialing your best friend.
It rang and rang. She didn't pick up. You called again to let her know it was serious. It continued ringing.
Your hand flew to your face, covering your mouth as you swallowed a sob. Then your phone rang and you gasped, grabbing it and immediately pressing the answer button when you saw it was her.
"I messed up," you sobbed into the phone as soon as she answered.
She was immediately worried. "Y/N! What's wrong?!"
You made a pained sound, struggling to form the words as if speaking them made it even more true. "I… I embarrassed myself so bad." Your voice hitched at the end painfully.
"What happened?"
"Oh my gosh," you cried, still struggling to say the words, because speaking them out loud really did make it more real. "I… I may have fucked up. I don't know, I thought the Lieutenant was kind of… liking me, or something. I - he came to my room and before he left, I asked him for a kiss."
"Okay?" she said, waiting for you to go on.
"Well, he said no, because it's inappropriate -" your voice continued cracking as your emotions bled into your words. "And I thought everything was okay, because he ruffled my hair and brushed his finger against my lip. But today I saw him in the cafeteria, and I asked him to have lunch with me -" you choked back yet another huge sob, "- and he literally just said no! He didn't even say anything else, he just said no and walked away, he just left me standing there looking like an idiot!"
She made a sound at the other end of the phone.
"Well," she offered, "what if he was just in a bad mood? What if it has nothing to do with you, Y/N?"
Tears continued streaming down your face. You wiped them away, grateful that you had someone you could talk to about this. "I don't think that's it… I think I messed up. I think I grossed him out and he's avoiding me now. Oh my gosh, my feelings are so hurt and I feel so stupid!"
"Chill out, Y/N. I'm serious. Men are weird. You know how they used to say boys sometimes bully you because they like you? Well I've found out that doesn't change when you get older. Some guys are just like that."
"But he's not bullying me or being mean, he just didn't want to eat lunch with me. At all." You paused, sniffling as your nose had become stopped up due to the tears. "I mean you should have seen it - if you had been there I think you would say he's not interested."
"Didn't you tell me that you've never seen his face? He never takes his mask off? Come on, Y/N. Obviously he didn't want to eat lunch with you because he's not about to take off that mask to eat around you." She said it so matter-of-factly that you pondered for a moment whether or not she was right.
"Well why didn't he at least say 'no, sorry' or something like that? 'No, I like to eat by myself.' He literally just said 'No.'"
"I get that. But I'm telling you, the man obviously appreciates his privacy. There's a chance that it has more to do with that, than you." She paused. "Not to mention, he doesn't sound like the type to be all emotional."
"Yeah," you replied sadly, your tears finally beginning to cease. "I guess I never should have asked him for that kiss."
"I mean, it's worth a try. Think about it like this. What if he wanted to say yes, but felt like he couldn't? Now he knows you want to kiss him and he's probably struggling with how to handle it."
You wiped another tear from your eye, appreciating her thoughts but also truly feeling like she wasn't right. She wasn't familiar enough with the situation to know. You wished you could go back and not mention the kiss to Ghost at all. Anything to keep yourself from falling back down that hole of hopeless romance. "Yeah… I don't know. I just really feel like I turned him off to me. I think he doesn't even want to be my friend anymore. Just, the way he turned and walked away so coldly. I think if he liked me he wouldn't have done that." One last tear left your eye before you heaved out a sigh, telling yourself to suck it up and deal with it. This is the military, for crying out loud. You have no business crying over a man you shouldn't have even developed a crush on in the first place.
You were stupid to think he'd actually like you.
You said your goodbyes, telling her how much you appreciated and loved her before ruefully hanging up the phone, lying in bed and lamenting quietly until you eventually fell asleep.