Chapter 10: Fun With Umbridge
Thanks for all the reviews.
I wanted to let you know that I got a job, so updates will be sparse until I get a schedule set up. I am only one chapter ahead. And this one is prewritten.
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Harry didn't even have to think about his answer. "I think she's a right bitch and you shouldn't listen to anything she says," the time traveler said, without hesitation. He pointedly didn't look in that direction, though Isobel did, hissing the whole while.
"I'll kill that bitch," she was saying, weaving her head back and forth, making Dolores wary. The other teachers weren't faring much better. Harry reeled her back to his shoulder and patted her on the head.
"Harry!" Neville said, surprised at the vulgarity. He was looking curiously at Isobel and her strange behavior.
"No, seriously, I've met her before. She's really a bitch. She tried to get me expelled from Hogwarts," the man/teen said, looking Neville straight in the face to show he wasn't kidding. He was holding Isobel back from scaring the rest of the teachers. They would learn soon enough to put up with his feisty snake.
"How did she do that?" the shy boy wanted to know.
"She and Fudge put me on trial in front of the entire Wizengamot. It was in the paper," Harry reminded him, giving him a knowing look.
"Oh right, I remember, I read about that," the embarrassed boy said, rubbing the back of his head. He had such a terrible memory.
"Yeah, it was she and Fudge that did that," Harry said, deliberately not looking at the pink woman still. He didn't want her to know they were speaking of her. She would know his ire soon enough.
"Oh well, I'll keep my eye out on her, but I'm not going to just ignore her. She's a teacher," Neville said, shrugging like it was a given. He nodded his head decisively.
"That's no teacher. That's a bureaucrat," the other man said nonchalantly. "She's the Senior Undersecretary of the Minister."
"Oh."
"Anyway. Pay no attention to me, I'm being petty," Harry said, waving everything he said away.
With that, the two of them commenced to eating the feast. Well, Neville had already started while Harry was talking to Isobel, but Harry was just beginning. He looked over what was there, which was comprised of many heavily greased foods. Fried chicken, fried turkey, fried pork, fried potatoes, roasted vegetables, and all sorts of other fatty foods. Harry missed the light foods that he got from Dobby. Oh well, it was going to be okay. He'd just talk to the house elves tomorrow and see what they could do about lightening up the diet while he was here. He knew where they were, and he knew how to talk to them.
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After the feast they went to the dorms and Harry fielded questions again. The Weasley twins and Neville were his buffers, and Isobel of course. Fred and George had joined them on the way up, apologizing for not being there during the meal. The Quidditch team were also there, fending people away and trying to get some semblance of order to the common room. However, there were too many idiots in there.
"Stay back, you motherfuckers," Isobel hissed, snapping at anyone who got too close, while Harry held her back from going too far.
"Don't petrify anyone," he said to her in English, making many back up as they remembered the article.
Not many had heard of a magical Boa constrictor that could petrify, but they remembered Harry's 2nd year and didn't want a repeat.
"Why would you let her do that?" asked Lavender Brown, who was moving back as fast as she could.
"Because you are crowding me?" Harry said in an innocent voice. "I don't like to be crowded, and neither does she. Most of you should know this by now. So, if I were you, I'd keep my distance," he added, moving away from the crowd. "If you want, I can have a meet and greet at a different time. but we're knackered right now," he said, going to the stairs that led to the dorms.
His dormmates followed him.
"That was great," Ron said, going up to Harry like they were still best friends.
"Back off, you bastard," Isobel hissed at him, lunging forward, and snapping at him. "You had your chance, you backstabber." She was swaying in front of him, like she was going to strike any moment.
Ron yelped and jumped back and moved far away from the duo. "What the buggering hell!" he yelled.
"What do you think you're doing? After this summer, you should know better than to approach Isobel," said Harry, looking at him queerly. "We're not friends," he stated, making the others, bar Neville look on in shock.
"What are you talking about?" the redhead said, nervously, looking at Seamus and Dean. "We've been best mates for years," he said, rubbing the back of his head.
"That was until you let the headmaster lead you around by the bollocks," Harry said, chuckling to himself as Isobel said a few more colorful things. "Just back off, Ron. You're not welcome around me and Isobel. I don't know how long I can hold her off," he stated, making a show of holding her back. He knew damn good and well that if Isobel wanted, she could tear away from him. She was much stronger than his puny arms.
"I'll just let everyone know what she is then, shall I?" the other boy said, looking sly. His eyes held a bit of malice to them.
Harry's facial expression didn't even change. He just looked at Ron and said, "Oh, and what do you think she is?" He knew the boy knew full well what Isobel was, but no one was going to believe him.
"Me and Hermione know that she's a basilisk," Ron said with a smug expression on his face.
Harry just laughed at him. He looked at the other boys, cocked an eyebrow, looked at Isobel, looked at Ron, looked at the other boys, laughed again, and said, "A basilisk? Then how is everybody still alive?" He chuckled some more, making Ron's face go redder than his hair.
"You're dead meat, asshole. One day when you least expect it, I'm going to be there," Isobel was saying. She knew Ron couldn't understand her, but it made her feel better to threaten him. She was weaving her head in her pattern that said she was mad.
Seamus and Dean laughed, and Neville looked at Ron like he was crazy.
"That's a very good point, Ron. How is everybody still alive if that's a basilisk?" asked the normally shy boy, going up to Isobel and putting his hand on her head to prove a point. He was still terrified of the snake, but he wasn't dead.
"I don't know. Magic," said Ron, going beet red and stumbling for an answer. Harry never told anyone at Grimmauld Place why they weren't dead around the snake.
"Everybody knows a basilisk kills on sight," said Seamus, looking at Isobel and winking at the snake. He wasn't nearly as scared of it as the rest. "You're just trying to get Harry in trouble again." He had been torn about Harry. His mum had not wanted him to come back at first, then the Daily Prophet changed their tune and 'bam' she changed hers. It was quite a confusing time in his household. He loved his mum, but she was a nutter sometimes.
"Why would I want to do that?" asked Ron, looking everywhere but where Harry was.
"How would I know," said the Irish boy, getting his night clothes out. "But you always seem to be wanting to get him in trouble lately."
"Whatever," said Ron, going towards his bed, getting ready for it. He ignored everyone after that, embarrassed that his ploy didn't work.
"Anyway," said Harry going to the middle of the room, "this is Isobel. Isobel, this is Seamus. This is Dean. Say hello." He pointed her head at each boy when he said their name.
Isobel nodded her head and said, "Pleasure." She remained still and placid in his arms, looking for all the world like a sleepy cat, and not a deadly snake.
The two boys looked at Isobel, nodded their heads, but kept their distance. They had read about her in the paper, just like everybody else, and weren't sure they wanted to be anywhere near her, where she could petrify them. Seamus might not fear her, but he respected her.
With that, the other boys got ready for bed, talking about their summer all the while, and went to sleep shortly thereafter.
Harry spent some time talking to Sirius over the mirrors that he had given him that summer. They discussed what had happened on the train, which wasn't much. And what Harry was going to do to get the Horcrux out of the Room of Requirements.
Harry decided he'd wait a couple days, or a week, so that way the teachers wouldn't roam the halls quite as much. They seem to do that on the first couple days of school. He got out the map just to double check and sure enough, there was Snape and Filch patrolling the halls. Those two were going to be a problem if he wasn't careful. Or he could just freeze them, but that would give the game away fast. Oh well, he'd just tread carefully.
They talked for a few more minutes and then Harry signed off and went to sleep. Isobel wrapped firmly around his waist. They slept like this all the time, and Harry was quite used to the comfortable weight. It was relaxing and it gave Isobel the warmth she needed.
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The next morning, bright and early, Harry got up before everybody else. He decided he was going to spend some more time getting used to the curriculum. He had studied some over the summer and had done his homework, so he was nowhere near as far ahead as he should have been. Meaning that he was dumbing himself down to where he should be. He hoped that he could pull this off. He really didn't need anybody to know he was from the future.
He took Isobel and his satchel full of books and made his way down to the common room to study near the fire. Isobel needed the warmth. It was quite chilly in the dorms.
She chased off a few of the castle cats that were sitting in front of the hearth and decided to bask in the heat there. She was still huge even in her smallest form and took up the entire hearth. She was making content noises as the hotness of the fire heated her up.
He really needed to think of a way to come up with a sunlamp or something. A heating charm just for her? He'd have to talk to Flitwick or someone. Who was the runes professor? Bubbling? Babbling? Burbling? He couldn't remember. He hadn't taken that class. He had studied them a bit after the war for curse-breaking, and he could probably whip up a lamp for his snake, but he wanted a second opinion.
Harry was content to sit next to her in a chair, reading the book that he needed for DADA. They had only received it a few days ago, so he hadn't had the chance to read it yet. It was a mindless, stupid dribble of a book, that didn't have a lick of practical use. But he read it anyway. It caused him to remember that they weren't going to use any magic in that class. Then he remembered that Hermione was going to want him to teach the other students. He didn't want to do that.
He was going to have to figure out a way to get out of that. Then again, he wasn't really speaking to her at this time, so maybe she wasn't going to ask him. On the other hand, it was her grades, so she might just. Huh.
As he sat there contemplating this, Hermione came down and sat right next to him.
"Good morning, Harry," she said as if everything was fine between them, and they had not been arguing all summer.
"Good morning, Hermione," he said, not looking up from his book. "What can I do for you today?" His tone was neutral as he flipped another page and perused its contents.
"Nothing. I just thought we'd get together and talk," she said, settling in the sofa a bit further now that he had not chased her away.
"We are not on speaking terms," he said calmly as Isobel came slithering up his torso. She stuck her head on the shoulder closest to Hermione and hissed at her.
"Get away from my friend, you stupid bitch," she said, bringing her head to Hermione's nose, making the girl shrink back.
Hermione flinched back at the hissing. "Why doesn't your snake like me?" she asked as she stood from the sofa.
"Because you're a backstabber?" Harry said in a questioning tone, still calm and collected. "You've been calling her names all summer? You have been arguing with me every waking minute? Take your pick." He continued reading the book but wasn't really seeing the pages. They weren't worth the money spent on printing them.
"How would your snake even know that?" was the disbelieving question.
"If you haven't figured out that she understands English by this time, then you're not as smart as I thought you were," Harry said, finally putting the book down to arch an eyebrow at her, like he thought better of her than that.
"How can a snake understand English? She's just a dumb animal," Hermione stated as if that were fact.
Isobel hissed at her again and said, "Who are you calling dumb, you bushy-haired bitch? I'm smarter than your fucking cat that you talk to as if it were a baby." She was moving forward and back like she was about to attack.
"That's enough, Isobel," said Harry in English, clasping her around the top part of her body, so she had some wiggle room but couldn't launch herself at anyone.
"What did your snake say about me?" the bushy-haired witch said indignantly.
"What do you care? She's just a dumb animal, remember?" Harry said, looking at her blankly. He really didn't care for the fact that Granger called his friend such names. Isobel was smarter than everyone gave her credit for.
Hermione just harrumphed and walked away, her hair bouncing with every step. There were people in the common room now and they were watching her go. Some were talking about the exchange. Others were watching Harry and Isobel. Everyone had their opinion on what was happening.
"There are times when I wonder how I was ever able to maintain a friendship with that girl," Harry said to Isobel in parseltongue as they watched her walk away.
"There are times when I wonder how you are able to maintain a friendship with anybody," said Isobel with a great deal of snark. "But yes, she is a stuck-up bitch," she added, coiling around his body for warmth.
"You're just being mean now," said Harry, tapping her on the nose.
"I'm always mean," said Isobel sticking her nose in the air. "You're going to have to learn that one of these days." She turned her head away like an aristocrat.
"Oh, believe me, I've already learned it," said Harry with a chuckle. "That's one of the things I love about you."
By this time, the crowd had gathered around the two and was watching them interact. Some of them were watching in horror, others were watching in awe, still others with curiosity. It was a strange sight to see the two of them talking to one another as if it were a normal day. Which to Harry and Isobel it was, but to everybody else it was just bizarre.
It was kind of like an ice breaker though to see them so innocently chatting.
"What are you lot doing?" said Neville, addressing the crowd as he came down the stairs. "Leave those two alone. They're only having a conversation." He walked over to Harry and Isobel and said to them, "Are you ready to go to breakfast?"
"Well, I'm ready. I don't know about Isobel. She only ate just yesterday, so she won't be hungry for another couple of days," said Harry, smiling at the other boy, who made a face.
"That was information I did not need to know, Harry," the sandy-haired boy stated, shuddering at the thought of the snake eating.
"Well, you asked," Harry said unrepentantly.
"Let's just go," said Neville, waving towards the portal.
And the two of them went down to breakfast. They got their schedule and enjoyed their time eating until it was time to go to their first class, which was DADA with Umbridge. Everyone was still giving Harry a wide berth, but the twins and the Quidditch team were there for him, and they had a good comradery. Laughter filled the air as Harry interpreted what Isobel was saying to them, cussing and all. Though, some didn't quite like what was said, she was not kind to everyone.
Harry vaguely remembered how the DADA class was supposed to go, but he wasn't going to let it go that way at all.
"This is going to be fun," said Harry as he hefted Isobel up on his shoulders even firmer.
"How do you reckon that?" asked Neville as he followed Harry down the hall.
"You'll see," said Harry. And with that, the two of them walked up to the DADA classroom. They got there before everybody else and took a seat in the middle of the class on the Gryffindor side. They had class with the Hufflepuffs this time. Gryffindors were on the right. Hufflepuffs on the left.
Slowly but surely, the rest of the classroom started filling up. Everybody came in either silently or talking as their personality dictated, putting their books on the table, and getting ready for class.
About halfway through the classroom filling up, Umbridge came in and stood at the front of the class, looking as if she were the queen of England. She was replenished in her pink clothes from tip to toe. She looked like a giant pink toad looking for the juiciest fly.
Harry looked cross-eyed at the woman. Which made her glare at him, but she quickly put on her pleasant personality face again.
When it was time for class to start, she looked over the sea of faces and said, "Hello, students," in her sickly-sweet voice. A few of them mumbled back and she said, "No, no, no, that will not do. I said 'Hello, students'."
More of them said hello back to her, looking at her as if she were crazy since she was speaking to them as if they were five-year-olds.
Harry looked at her and said, "We are not children," in a voice that would cut glass.
"Then you will quit acting like a child," she stated in a voice almost as cold.
"No, you will quit treating us like children. We are teenagers," he said in a cheerful voice.
The mood swing was confusing the rest of the class. Even Neville was giving him a weird look.
"We raise our hand to be heard in this class, Mr. Potter," she simpered as if she were talking to a toddler.
"I am 15 years old. I will speak when I think I have something to say," he said, very slowly as if he was speaking to somebody mentally impaired.
"Then you will leave my classroom and serve detention with me tonight," she said, still in that saccharine voice of hers. There seemed to be a vindictive smile upon her face, as if that was what she had been planning all along. Which Harry knew was.
"Gladly," he said as he started gathering up his books. "But before I go, let me just say one thing." He had a brilliant smile on his face, as if he held a secret.
"Oh, and what would that be?" she asked pleasantly, thinking there was nothing he could do or say that would ruin her day.
"Isobel."
Isobel unleashed one of her eyelids and petrified the woman. There was no hesitation or any cussing to be had, she just simply petrified her.
Everybody looked at him, shocked that he would do such a thing at the very beginning of the very first class. There were even a few giggles and a couple of screams.
"Toodles," he said as he picked up his book and left the room. He didn't even stop when Hermione yelled "Harry!"
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Of course, petrifying Umbridge's very first thing did not come without consequences. He was called immediately to the headmaster's office to explain his actions. He knew he was going to have to, and he knew he was probably going to have to serve detention, but he really didn't care. When asked why he did what he did, he simply answered, "She's a bitch."
"5 points from Gryffindor. Regardless of your feelings, that does not give you leave to petrify her," said the headmaster, staring at him with his disappointed grandfather stare. He was running his hand up and down his beard in an agitated way, as if he did not know what to do with the teenager in front of him. Harry had changed so much from last year.
"She was giving us a bunch of drivel and treating us like five-year-olds. We're in 5th year about to take our OWLs, not in our 1st year with no studies under our belts," Harry complained, as he would do to any adult if he were really a teenager.
"Again, that does not give you reason to petrify her," Dumbledore said in a chastising manner.
"I don't like her," was all Harry said, slumping down in his chair.
"Am I going to get no better answer from you than this?" the old man inquired with a heavy sigh.
"Nope."
"Are you going to continue to petrify Madam Umbridge?" he asked again, sighing as heavily as he could. Perhaps he was trying to put Harry on a guilt trip.
"Probably," Harry said gleefully.
"Would it be best if I did not have you attend her class?" was the next question that came out of the old man's mouth.
"Maybe," the man/teen said thoughtfully.
"Then how would you endeavor to pass your Defense Against the Dark Art OWLs?" The headmaster wanted to know. It was not against the realm of possibility that somebody could self-study, but it wasn't done very often. Besides, he really didn't want Harry to alienate himself from his peers.
"I could private study," Harry said as if the idea had just occurred to him.
"I do not believe that this would be the best course of action," said Dumbledore, tapping his fingers on the desk as if he was trying to come up with a different answer.
"I don't think you have much of a choice," said Harry with a bit of heat in his voice. "If I have to stay in the classroom with that bitch any longer, then I'm just going to keep petrifying her." It was a promise, not a threat.
"That will be another 5 points from Gryffindor. You do understand that she does know the true nature of your snake, do you not? She does work at the ministry," The old man warned, as if it was a threat.
"That is not my problem," said Harry, waving the threat away as if it were no consequence. "My snake is registered and perfectly legal."
"Alas, that is true," said Albus, sighing once again. He seemed to be doing that a lot. "You will still have to serve your detention," he stated, shuffling some parchment around his desk.
"You know that is not going to end well," Harry warned.
"You cannot get out of your punishment," the old man said firmly.
"On your head it be. Are we done?" Harry asked completely done with this conversation since it seemed to be going nowhere.
"You may leave. However, I ask that you endeavor not to petrify anymore of my staff," The old man said, putting some authority into his voice.
"If they leave me alone, I'll leave them alone," said Harry as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Which to him it truly was. He just didn't understand why everybody didn't get this concept.
"Of that I have extreme doubt," Albus said, sighing deeply.
"That's not my problem," said Harry, and with that he and Isobel left the room. His next class happened to be Potions and he was surprised when Snape behaved himself. Perhaps the man was smarter than he gave him credit for. Though he did eyeball Isobel something fierce throughout the entire class.
After Potions, he had Charms and Professor Flitwick seemed to take Isobel as if she had always been there. Flitwick was always good like that. Harry stayed after to ask about a sunlamp for his snake and the diminutive professor said he would look into it with Professor Babbling. Harry asked to sit in on that talk and they agreed for that Saturday.
Harry went through the rest of his day, not having any problems with anybody. Though there were some people who looked at him with terror in their eyes because of what he did with Umbridge. The Weasley twins offered him congratulations on a job well done.
"Good job, on what you did with Umbridge," said Fred, coming alongside them as they were walking down the hall and slinging an arm over his shoulder.
Isobel was around Harry's waist and up around his neck, so there was room to put an arm there.
"Well, what else could I do?" said Harry, shrugging off the arm. There was already too much weight on his body. "She was treating us like children."
"I'm not saying you did a bad thing," said Fred, dropping his arm, but walking beside him. "I'm saying you did a good thing."
"Tell that to the headmaster. I've gotta have detention with her tonight," the man/teen whinged, like any teenager would.
"Well, you were gonna have detention with her anyway," said George, walking on Harry's other side.
"And how do you know that?" asked Harry, looking back and forth between the two redheads.
"It's all over the school," said the first twin with a shrug.
"Yeah," said the second twin with a matching shrug. "We've all heard about it."
"I'm sure it's going to be a wonderful night," said Harry with a dreamy smile. "I can see it now."
"Are you going to take Isobel with you?" asked Fred, reaching out and petting the snake, who snapped at his hand.
"Like I'd go anywhere without her," said Harry, tapping her on the nose to get her to behave. She just snapped at his hand too.
"Fuck off," she hissed and went back to her nap.
"You will not be taking that snake with you to detention," said Umbridge from behind them. Who knows how long she had been there.
"I'd like to see you stop me. She's my bonded familiar. She goes with me everywhere I go. It's the law," Harry said, smiling at her pleasantly, making the twins look at him queerly.
"And it's my school," she said, all but stamping her foot. "And I say what goes on in it."
"I hate to break this to you, woman," the man/teen stated, looking at her with disdain. "This is not your school. You are but a teacher here. This is still Dumbledore's school, and even then, he has to answer to the Board of Governors."
"You just wait and see, young man," she said as she marched away.
"How did she get unpetrified so fast?" asked Harry, watching her walk away.
"Seems they had the Mandrake Restorative Potion on hand," Neville said, coming up to them and clapping Harry on the back. "They heard about your snake coming to school from the paper and decided to stock up on it." he had been there when Madam Pomfrey had unpetrified the woman. He was there to make sure they had his allergy potion for him. His gran made sure that he checked at the beginning of each year.
"Ah, it seems the Board of Governors got some brain cells over the summer," said Harry, snapping his fingers in disappointment. "Which is a good thing… for them. Because I was going to charge them for every bit of my supply that they used." It had been suggested by Sirius.
"I can see where you would make a good bit of money off of that," said George, laughing.
"Well, that was just a thought," said Harry. "I can still make some money off the students if they piss me off," he said, causing many of those listening to shy away. Served them right for eavesdropping.
With that, the four of them laughed and continued their way to the Great Hall for dinner. The twins decided to join him and Neville for the meal, along with Lee Jordan and some of the Quidditch team. It was much like breakfast, and lunch, and much laughter was had, making Ron and Hermione jealous. They missed being by Harry's side, but not enough to endure his snake.
Soon enough it was time for Harry to get to detention. He wondered if it was going to be like it had been last time. Nah. This was going to be fun.