CHAPTER 18 - What If?

Words are no longer needed when the right actions fall into place. Harm's actions are reverent as if he'd been given the most precious gift.

We sit on the edge of my bed, his eyes focused on the bruises over my breasts, the angry marks left behind by a sick man. There are fingerprints all over my skin and although some have disappeared, the others were Sadik's sign of possession meant to have a lasting, traumatic effect.

And it does affect my lover whose eyes have darkened and not from passion. He shakes as he palms one breast and then searches my eyes for any sign of discomfort. Most of the pain is gone leaving a dull ache that, I swear, disappears when Harm's lips touch the sensitive orb.

He's careful not to hurt me so much that the pain of anticipation aches more than Sadik's grabby hands ever could. His thumb brushes over a nipple and the sensation makes my body hum to life like a warm electric current was suddenly sparked. Harm's slow and calculating, loving and caring.

Each time he touches a marred part of my skin, his eyes always lock onto mine, asking for permission, not that he needs it. "I'm not made of spun glass. I won't break."

"And I don't want to hurt you."

"You'd never hurt me."

Harm frowns and I feel our connection start to waver a little. He's thinking about our first time, the savage meeting of flesh that pains him more than me. Yes, he was angry and used sex to tame his aggression but I tipped his hand. We were both at fault. "I already hurt you."

"Not like this." I remind him and his eyes drop down to the breast he was still caressing. "You love me."

"I do."

"Sadik only wanted to possess me."

"You're not an object for any man to own." And that's why I love Harm so much. I'll never be an object to him or a subservient woman he sees as a lesser life form. To him, I'm his equal, his partner, I just hope I never let him down. "Although-"

"Although?"

He grins shyly, "I want you to be mine…that's a little possessive isn't it?"

"I suppose it is but-"

"But?"

I take his hand in mine, guiding him between the valley of my breast, down over my abdomen and stop just above my curls. Is it wrong? This want to be possessed by him and only him? "I want to be yours."

My eyes close involuntarily the second his fingers slide between my folds. I'm wet and I hear his breath catch when I part my legs to give Harm better access. "Lay down." He issues a gentle command and once my back is against the mattress his head dips between my thighs.

The hours that follow can only be described as 'exquisite.' We've laid together countless times and yet, tonight surpassed whatever we had before. Each movement is made together between sighs and kisses, touches of intimate caresses. When he's inside me, it feels like the walls I'd been erecting have finally been breached and I welcome the attack.

He kisses me with each stroke of his length pushing in and pulling out. He cradles my body when I go over the edge and watches with such intensity as I rode astride him.

We made love and it was as simple as it was complex. We made love until our bodies were too exhausted to move. We made love but while my lover had fallen asleep, the monsters in my mind kept me awake.

I watched the sunrise from my small balcony as. sipped from a steaming mug of coffee. Black. No cream or sugar because I needed to stop the exhaustion that was creeping in.

Harm is still asleep, clearly worn out from a night of love making. Last night was nothing short of magical, the way I'd always hoped it could be between the two of us.

He's a consummate lover; attentive, caring but, for my sanity I think it's best that intimacy between us is put on a lengthy hiatus. As good as we are together, I'm not so sure that sex is the best thing for me right now. It's always clouded my judgment and with Harm, it's a complication I don't want to have. He'll understand; I hope.

I step into the bedroom an hour later, remove my robe and slip under the covers. He's still asleep or pretending to be because he barely stirs when I reach out and touch him.

What I want most is a happy, healthy life with him and I need to be well to make us work. I may have asked for help but the idea of actually speaking to someone scares the hell out of me. How does one go about choosing a therapist? And is it easy to change doctors if it's not a good fit?

Everything is riding on those sessions - my life, my career and if I can't get better, what then? Will I lose my job and be discharged from the Corps? Will I lose him? For better or worse Harm's been the only constant in my life. What if… What if the therapist finds we're not good together?

What if I come to the same conclusion? Can I walk away from him now that I've admitted we share the same affection for one another.

I'm not ready for that kind of heartache and I don't think Harm is either. You don't physically love a woman how he did last night and just expect her to walk away. But, what if I'm using him? What if I'm in need of so much comfort that's what sex between us was always about. What if-

"Penny for your thoughts Colonel?" He's watching me, head propped up and a cute little smile stretching across his lips. God, he's so beautiful and I'm this mess that can't keep her life together. Harm should probably run and never look back.

"It'll cost you more than a penny." I say ruefully and sigh as Harm pulls me closer to him. His nose rubs against mine but rather than kissing my lips, he kisses my forehead.

"What time is it?"

I hesitate for a moment, a fact that does not go unnoticed. My clock is off again and I have to peer over his shoulder to see the blaring red digits of the alarm clock on my nightstand. "0934."

"Shit. We need to get going." He flips onto his back, stretches and then peels off the covers. Harm's wonderfully naked and carefree as he bends to pluck clothing from the floor. He's so damned sexy that it takes me a few minutes to realize he's talking to me about Bethesda and the therapist I've yet to find. "The doc I used during my crash is still there or maybe he can offer the name of a colleague. I think-"

My ears drown out whatever else is spoken. My eyes stare, unseeing to the opposite wall. Harm's talking but not a single word rings though only the sound of his voice that disappears when the rapid beating of my heart replaces it.

I can't help the heavy breaths or the way my lungs plead for more oxygen. Each time I inhale, I feel the air get stuck in my windpipe and a choking sensation prevails. The edges of my vision cloud over so badly it's like staring into the very end of a tunnel with no end in sight.

Inexplicably, I'm falling into the arms of Death or, at least, it feels like I am. My body is both fevered and chilled with goosebumps that supside once I begin to sweat. For all the talk about Butch, Sundance and a spectacular death - I don't want to die.

Whatever trance I'm in stops the second Harm's hand touches my shoulder. He's wearing boxers and has a toothbrush sticking out of the corner of his mouth. He's staring at me with an awkward expression and it's only then that I take a breath.

Panic attack.

I've had them since Paraguay but Sadik's death had ticked them up a notch. Wrapping a sheet around my naked body, I rush into the bathroom, ignoring the man that follows.

Splashing cool water on my face has helped stymie some of the episodes of the past - like rebooting a computer. This time, it's taken longer to find relief. My heart is still racing and that overall feeling of dread befalls me.

I stare at the mirror and the image looking back is nothing more than a broken version of a woman that I hadn't seen since I was a drunken teenager. God, what's happened to me? Shouldn't murdering my tormentor have stopped the skid? Not even spending a wonderful night being loved so completely could stop my personal monsters.

"Sarah, are you okay?" Harm's standing behind me watching my reflection. The sharp bathroom light doesn't hide the flaws he didn't see in the bedroom but then, lust has a way of clouding judgment if only for a time. He notices them now, stares back with a heavy frown and the eyes of a broken man.

"Sarah?" Damnit, I want him to use my given name but Sadik took that away too.

"I told you not to call me that." I push past him or try to because the wall of his chest blocks my exit as does the hands that grasp my shoulders. "Go home, Harm. I need some sleep and, honestly, I don't think I'm ready to go therapist shopping yet. I have time, a few days-"

"No, you don't."

"It can wait a bit." I insist and for all of the times he never fought me on certain issues, the man picks today to stand his ground.

"You're not getting rid of me, Mac." He folds his arms across his chest and blocks my escape. "Was sleeping with me your little plan to get out of therapy?"

"What?"

"Did you sleep with me and hope I'd forget?"

I snort at his accusation but any defense I could mount falls short. Did I? Did I basically seduce him with the intent to stop his crusade? That's not like me, having sex with a man to get my way has never appealed to me. Fuck, who am I?

When I don't answer, Harm lets me go. I hear him sigh deeply once I'm able to push past him in the hopes of putting a little space between us. I don't get far enough because my intentions of rushing out to the living room come to an end.

I've never suffered from migraines. I've not known how dizzy one gets before passing out other than one time in boot and then again from the blood loss of getting shot in the leg. Normally, I'm blessed with a strong constitution but my body has different ideas today.

An overwhelming headache hits like a freight train and I drop onto the bed when I feel my legs start to give way. I can hear Harm yelling, his voice tries to break through the fog of my mind but he can't help and before long, everything turns black.