Chapter 11:
Lily awoke feeling somehow more tired than when she had fallen asleep. The revelations of the previous day immediately came back to the forefront of her mind and she tried desperately not to cry.
She did not want to die.
She had never really thought about her death before. Even during the attack at Hogsmeade, she had not really thought about her own death. She had been consumed by the fight and the will to survive, it was like her mind had completely blocked the idea of her own death away from her consciousness.
She had felt uncertain of her future with the war growing, and had known for a while that her blood status might well hinder her career depending on what she decided to do. Merlin, she had not even really determined the sort of career she wanted. Yet, somehow, she had never felt uncertain of the fact that she would be alive. Even with her own parents death, even with all the attacks reported in the Prophet, death had somehow remained something that happened to other people.
Older people.
It did not take a genius to calculate that she had roughly four years left to live. Right now, she regretted insisting on learning Harry and Ginny's secret. She wished she could be made to forget the last evening already, and she had no idea how she was supposed to act – hell, to live – with the knowledge for the next few weeks.
And how was she supposed to act around James, now? Or his parents? Or Harry? Having just lost her own parents, and having long felt compassion for Harry being an orphan, she dared not reject him. But she was not a mother either. Damn, Harry was even older than herself right now.
She threw aside her quilt and put on a dressing gown before tip-toeing her way to the garden. It was early, and she felt the need to just get out of the house. If only she could run away from her new knowledge as easily.
She walked the perimeter of the wards, wondering if she could hide away in her room for the rest of the holidays. Her parents would be appalled at her even entertaining such a rude attitude, and she cried as she first realized that she would never be able to introduce them to their grandchild, or even ask her own mother for advice.
"Lily."
She froze as she recognized James' voice. She did not feel ready to face him. She did not want to discuss what they had learned last night.
"I saw you through my window." He added, and she heard him walk until he was level with her.
She kept her gaze towards the ground.
"James, I…"
She stopped. She had no idea what to say. She did not even know how she felt right now.
She felt James press her shoulder gently. Shyly, even. Quite unlike the caring but more confident touches she had gotten used to from him.
"Please." She heard him say. "You don"t need to talk. Just… If you want to, I am here. And… And if you don't want to, or at least not with me, given the… Well, I'll understand that, too. But, I have to tell you, Sirius wants to find a solution. Maybe things don't have to be so dire."
"Yes, they have to."
She was shocked when she realized the voice that had just spoken out was her own.
"What do you mean?"
It felt like her mind was speaking without her consent. The thoughts passing from her brain to her mouth without any input from her emotions.
"We can't mess with time. What if we prevent Harry's birth? How could he come and give us all this knowledge, then? What were the myriad of events, thoughts and decisions that led him and Ginny to our time? How can we change anything without destroying the very warning that led us to act? It's too much of a paradox."
She could feel him deflate next to her.
"I know you are right. And I… Would you be angry if I told you that I like Harry? I am not sure how to get my head around the fact that he is my… our son. But, even without that, I like him. I like the friend I have gotten to know these last few months. I don't want to sacrifice him. Maybe it's stupid, maybe it could prevent a war if we acted now with whatever knowledge he has about You-Know-Who. But… Well, I don't want to basically kill him."
She hesitated. "The war… Harry seems to be about our age. Did they truly say it was over? Or are they still fighting in their own time? Ginny… Her scars and what she said about Hogwarts… The way she constantly roamed around the corridors at night and how McGonagall somehow gave her the full freedom to do so… What have they been through? Is this what we have to look forward to for the next few years?"
Despite the warmth of the cloak she had put on before going into the garden, she felt cold. Frozen all the way to her soul.
"Maybe it's better that we are dead if this is the future." She said with a heavy voice.
James grabbed her shoulders firmly and shook her.
"Lily, look at me! Don't think like that! Please, don't give up. You were talking about Harry and Ginny, do they look depressed to you? Sure, they were grieving when they first arrived, and still are sometimes, I guess. But they laugh, they love each other, they have talked about her family and their friends."
She looked up, and could see her tears reflected in his own eyes.
"Maybe we have to die. But, that does not mean we can't live." He pressed on. "I'd rather die than see someone like this Dark Lord gain absolute power over our world. If my death, if our death gave him such a blow that he had to retreat for years, then I'm glad I did not die in vain."
He paused, then grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the house. "Come."
She stumbled a little, surprised by the sudden movement. "James, what?"
Then she saw that he was heading towards the kitchen door, and she tried to pull away. The sun was up, and she had no doubt that at least some of the others were awake as well by now.
"James, no! Please, I… I can't. Not now."
He stopped and turned towards her, but his grip on her hand was still firm.
"We will go inside, and ask Harry or Ginny – whoever we see first – whether or not the war is truly and completely over. Then, you can go upstairs or outside. But, I think we both need to know the answer to that question."
She shook her head. "Do we, really? We thought we needed to know what they were hiding, and look at us now! What if the answer is not what we hope? What if all they can offer us is more misery? They warned us before, and we did not heed them. Well, I sure heed them now!"
James gently pushed her chin up to look in her eyes.
"You think I don't know that? I know who I would entrust my son to if he were born today, and none of them live or could live in the muggle world. I am terrified to ask questions about Sirius, Remus and Peter. I am terrified about what they could tell us about Frank, Alice and all of our classmates. Hell, I am even afraid to ask who they have lost besides Ginny's brother, or how Harry somehow encountered the Dark Lord several times before now. But, I need to know that all this will not be for nothing."
"But what if it is? What if our deaths are not this grand sacrifice you think it is? My parents death was just… Just a bastard's way of punishing me for standing up against him. Death is just death. It's… it's emptiness and pain and…"
"It's not. It has to be more than that." James argued desperately. "It gives us a reason to keep fighting. Why we don't take things for granted. Yes, there is pain, and despair and grief. But, that's because we love, right? If we did not, death would not hurt so much."
"But it does hurt." She sobbed, thinking of her parents and wondering if her sister would ever forgive her. "It hurts so much."
James embraced her. "Please, Lily. We don't have to ask about the war. Come with me and ask them about what comes after. Ginny talked about professional Quidditch, so there has to be some good things left, right?"
She laughed through her tears. "You and Quidditch! I have no idea how you have enough space in your brain for your homework when all you seem to think about are pranks and Quidditch!"
"And you." He said softly. "I always think about you."
She stiffened, remembering that the green-eyed boy inside that house was her son. Their son.
He had clearly felt her discomfort as he pressed his lips to her hair. "Please, don't shut me out. I get that it's too much – I sure don't feel ready to be a dad. Just… we can work through this."
She distantly noted that anyone hearing this speech without knowing their situation would think she was pregnant. Except the reality was much, much more complicated.
"How do I look at him now?" She asked, voice muffled against James' chest. "I… know what it's like to lose one's parents, I can't just ignore him, that would be cruel. But, I… I am not a mother. I don't know how to be one. I don't want to be one, not now."
James nodded against her head. "I know. I think Harry will understand that. Maybe we can leave the parenting to my parents, and just continue to treat him as a friend?"
She sighed in defeat. Was there any other option, really? This was an impossible situation. How had Harry and Ginny managed it for months?
"Will you come inside?" James asked.
She took a deep breath. She did not want to see the others. But she knew ignoring the situation was not an option either. Not anymore. James had come to get her, and as much as she hated being forced to see others, she realized that it was what she needed. Left to herself, she would just fall deeper into despair. Ginny had helped her before, and James had come now. They had extended a hand to her, but she was the one who needed to grab it.
"Let's go." She said, hearing her voice tremble slightly.
James gave her a supportive smile and squeezed her hand reassuringly.
When they entered, both of his parents were talking in a soft voice with Harry and Ginny. Only Sirius was absent. They all fell silent once they saw James and Lily.
James led her to a chair opposite the young couple then sat next to her.
He cleared his throat. "Can we ask a few questions?"
Harry nodded along with Ginny. "Just… Understand you may not like the answers." Her son cautioned again.
James nodded. "The war… Is it really over? You said he took power over the Ministry and Hogwarts, and that Harry was on some mission to try and defeat him. Is there any hope left? Can we do something to help?"
Ginny smiled. "We won. The war ended just hours before we found ourselves here." Her smile faded a little. "It was harsh. The final battle happened in Hogwarts, and I am not sure how long it will take to repair the damage."
Somehow, Lily guessed that the young woman was not refering solely to physical damage.
"How?" She found herself asking. "He was so powerful in Hogsmeade. I can't imagine how terrible he would become with more years, and control of the Ministry…"
Harry snorted. "The Ministry wasn't much help in the first place, so I am not sure how much of a prize that was. But, yeah, it was pretty horrible. Muggleborns were called to present themselves to the new Ministry and put on trial. I am guessing it would have quickly escalated if he had remained in power. By then, Dumbledore had given me most of the information I needed to destroy him. Though, honestly, we were lucky the task only took us a few months to accomplish. It could have easily taken years."
She watched as he visibly shook away the memories. "Anyway, I'd rather not tell you more about the how. It's not the kind of knowledge that should be given so readily."
"I thought you said we would be made to forget everything anyway." James remarked.
"Yeah. But, what if you leave some note with pieces of information somewhere?" Ginny asked slyly. "I am guessing Sirius will try something rash like that. So, it's better if there are things we never tell you."
"You know him so well?" James pressed.
She grabbed James's hand and shook her head. She could see how much he wanted to ask what had happened to his friend. She knew he had noticed how the time travellers had seemed able to build a relationship more easily with Sirius, James and herself than with Remus, Alice and Peter. She wasn't sure she wanted to know why.
Ginny had clearly noticed as well. "If you want to know something, just ask. But remember that you will have to live with the knowledge for several weeks. What if you learn something that changes the way you look at your friend? I know what it's like to learn that someone you love is dead or about to die, or to have a friend tortured while you watch and can't do anything. I wouldn't wish that on anyone."
"Why tell us anything at all, then?" Lily asked, feeling a short burst of anger. She had been happier not knowing. She felt robbed of that happiness, even if she had been the one to ask. Because, no matter how many warnings Harry or Ginny gave, how could they truly have imagined how terrible the knowledge was?
Ginny looked at her with a mix of pain and pity. "Because I also know how horrible it is to know someone you love is in danger, and to wonder every day whether or not they are alive. If you will ever see them again. I… I think many things last year would have been easier to bear if I had known that Harry would survive, and that, no matter how horrible, the war would end."
Lily looked back to the hand she had clasped with James on the table. Yeah, she could understand that. There was some relief in knowing that they would eventually win the war. But to her, that victory was decades away. If James and her had died so early in the war, had they really made a difference?
"You… You said after You-Know-Who attacked us, he was wounded and some even thought him dead. Can you tell us more?" She asked haltingly. "Not about how we died." She clarified with a quick glance at James. "About how it was… after."
She watched as Harry messed up his hair in thought. "Well, as I said I wasn't raised in the wizarding world, so I am not sure how well I can answer that. Tom – that"s You-Know-Who's name – disappeared after attacking our home. I know his followers attacked other families in an effort to find him, and were captured. After that, everyone believed he was dead."
Ginny shook her head. "No, I am not sure how word got around so fast, but I have heard stories of people celebrating just hours after the attack. It's part of why the attack on…" She paused. "Well, why the attack of his followers a few days later shocked so much."
Lily decided not to ask what the red-head had nearly let slip.
James looked towards his parents before continuing with his own question. "How did you survive, exactly? Did we hide you? I mean, you said You-Know-Who was targeting you specifically. How did we even manage to defeat him? He was playing with us and Sirius just weeks ago!"
The young couple exchanged a glance and Ginny shrugged. "You can explain it better than I." She simply said.
With a sigh, Harry answered. "I guess the short answer is that you did not defeat him by fighting. I know you saw him approach the house, and asked Mum to grab me and run away."
Lily clenched her hands. She could see Harry was somewhat lost in the rememberance. He had been one year old. How could he remember?
He continued in a slightly distant voice, his focus clearly more on the memories than the discussion. "You did not have your wand on you. You went to hold him back anyway. I think he was afraid Mum would have time to run away if he did not hurry, so he killed you right away. We were in the nursery when he caught up with us. He offered to spare Lily if she stood aside and let him kill me. She refused, so he killed her. Then he tried to kill me, and the curse rebounded on him."
Lily saw Ginny close her eyes in suppressed pain while Harry's focus seemed to return to the present. "Dumbledore explained that your love and willingness to die for me created a protection. That's why the curse rebounded. It only left me this scar on my forehead."
She startled a little when he pushed back his fringe to reveal a lightning-bolt shaped scar. She had never noticed it before. It was thin and faded, which she guessed wasn't surprising if it was so old.
She saw James' mother frown. "What curse are you talking about?"
Harry flinched a little, but Ginny responded in a tight whisper. "The Killing Curse."
Ignoring the visible shock of her audience, she continued in a stronger voice. "After the curse rebounded, Tom disappeared. There was no body, but they did find his wand. I am not sure why they did not snap it, or maybe it was one of his followers who found it since he certainly had it when he came back. Anyway, Harry became famous as the Boy-Who-Lived, the only person to have ever survived the Killing Curse."
James' gaze was still locked on Harrys' forehead, even though he had let his fringe cover the scar again. Lily thought he looked almost sick.
"You… I have seen another scar with the same shape on your chest." He croaked out.
This time, it was Ginny who visibly flinched and Harry quickly pulled her against him and whispered something in her ear before he released her as she rose from the table and quickly left through the door to the garden.
Harry looked after her before turning back to address James. "Sorry. That one is… still fresh. It happened during the final battle." He glanced back in Ginny's direction. "She had just lost her brother when she saw Hagrid carry my body while Tom crowed that he had killed me. And we had just been reunited after months of being separated, and argued because I did not want her to fight. We are getting better, but…" He shrugged helplessly.
Lily closed her eyes. Even with the Silencing Charm, she had seen Ginny awaken from nightmares often. More than once, the girl had waved away her offer of comfort to slip out of the dorm. She now had a feeling that she had either needed time to compose herself, or perhaps checked in the boys' dorm that Harry was indeed alive.
Again, it was James' mother who asked for clarification. "Your body? You died?"
Harry tilted his head thoughtfully. "Not exactly. I was… in-between? I know I could have… moved on. But I decided to… stay."
Lily could not stop herself. "What was it like? Dying?"
She flushed and resolutely stared at the table. "Sorry, I shouldn't have…"
Harry's voice interrupted her. "Peaceful."
She looked up, surprised to find him looking at her calmly. He smiled when she met his gaze.
"It was peaceful. Like falling asleep after a good, tiring day." He again glanced towards the garden. "Death is always harder for those that are left behind, I think. For yourself, it is nothing to be afraid of."
She had rarely seen Harry so relaxed, aside from moments when he had been cuddling with Ginny in the Common Room. Was that truly how the thought of death made him feel? When she had been filled with despair and freaking out just this morning?
He continued with the same calm, even voice. "When I walked into that forest, I knew I was going to die. I never thought I might survive the Curse again. I just knew my sacrifice was necessary for us to win the war. I was terrified. I did not want to die, but I knew I could not live while the war raged and we couldn't win without my sacrifice. All the terror disappeared when the Curse hit me and I found myself… elsewhere."
"Why did you have to sacrifice yourself?" Fleamont asked softly.
Harry shook his head. "Sorry, that is one of the things I can never tell you about. It's better if that knowledge disappears."
He paused, then turned more fully towards his grandparents. "In fact, there is a service I would like to ask you. An item I would like you to hide for me."
Lily watched as the old couple exchanged a look. "Of course, Harry. I am sure we can think of some place that would remain untouched until your own time. I can leave the location in the Potter Vault."
Harry shook his head. "No, I don't want the item. I want you to hide it somewhere you think no one will ever find it. And I don't want you to leave any sort of hint on where it is. I have no doubt that people will search for it in the future. If even I have no idea where it is, then hopefully no one will ever retrieve it."
"That's a good idea." Ginny approved as she re-entered the kitchen. "So long as you keep your promise to publicly say that you have decided to hide it."
The green-eyed young man grimaced. "I will. I have no wish to be hunted by all the wannabees dark wizards." He paused. "Maybe I could make up the story of meeting an old muggle during my months on the run, and entrusting him with the task of hiding it before he died."
Ginny nodded. "That should work. Some may still hunt you, but at least for once you will not be walking around with a giant target on your back."
Lily thought Harry looked almost offended by that remark, but Sirius sauntered into the room before he could reply.
"Am I the only one that slept in? What did I miss?"
Ginny grabbed Harry's arm and pulled him up. "We'll let you fill the dog in." She said with a smirk.
Next to her, James choked on his tea. "You know?"
The couple laughed and walked out of the room, bypassing a gaping Sirius. "See you later, Prongs."
Lily turned towards James, amusement piercing through the myriad of negative emotions that had stormed within her since last night. "Okay, what was that?"
Her boyfriend groaned and Sirius chuckled. "I think that was truly the son of a Marauder."
Harry and Ginny were leafing through old family albums in the library when Sirius came in. Euphemia and Fleamont had been explaining more of the family tree and pointing out relatives by using the albums. Harry was happy to finally learn more about the Potters, though it was a bittersweet knowledge at times since most of the people in question were deceased or likely would be in his time – either from old age or from the war. The sad truth was that the Potters were quite old, and Fleamont himself had been an only child. Euphemia had a sister who had passed away a few years ago to some illness, and a brother who turned out to be the uncle killed in a Death Eater raid. The estranged uncle James had talked about was actually the son of Fleamont's great uncle, who had disapproved of their marriage because Euphemia's family was not as noble as the Potters. From their remarks, Harry concluded that this uncle was more likely to support Voldemort than to oppose him.
He mentally noted the name to research it once they returned to their own time, though Fleamont had told him the man was unmarried and childless, and older than himself, so it was likely he would have passed away two decades in the future.
Sirius determinedly marched towards them.
"So, Boy-Who-Lived, can I ask questions?"
Harry exchanged a significant look with Ginny. They both knew how rash Sirius could be, and the few months they had spent with this younger version had convinced them that he had actually improved with age in this particular department. They had discussed how likely the young Black was to try and do something stupid, and that was the main reason they had decided not to share the most sensitive information, even knowing the memory potion would be ready shortly after their return to Hogwarts.
Harry had handed a thin box containing the Elder Wand to his grandparents earlier in the afternoon, and had asked them not to reveal what the object inside was to anyone. They had not looked into it when he gave them the box. He had no idea whether or not they would open it later, but it did not really matter if they did. No one would ever be able to interrogate them about the Death Stick.
Ginny stared defiantly back at Sirius. "Can you handle the answers?"
The young man grimaced and sat down in the armchair facing them. "You already told me my brother in all but blood would die. How much worse can it get?"
Harry thought of the nearly mad man he had encountered at the end of his third year and snorted darkly. "Oh, trust me, that was far from the worst."
He paused and turned to his grandparents who were closing and re-organizing the many albums. "Would you like to stay? I don't think Lily will really want to know more, at least not for the next few days, and I am not sure about James. But I have no doubt Sirius has planned a thorough interrogation, and I know you also wanted a more detailed tale."
Fleamont waved his wand to send the albums back to their shelves and settled in the sofa before sending an interrogating look to his wife. Euphemia nodded with a tight smile and sat next to her husband.
"We have unfortunately lived through a war before. I doubt we will like what we hear, but I would like to learn more about the life of my grandson." She replied.
Harry nodded in acknowledgement and turned back to Sirius. "What do you want to know?"
The young man pulled out a piece of parchment and looked at it before starting.
"You said Voldemort was targeting you because of a prophecy saying you would be the one to defeat him. What does it say exactly?"
"I'd rather not recite the exact wording – I am not even sure I could since I only heard it once. Basically, it predicted that the one to defeat the Dark Lord would be born at the end of July to parents who had faced him thrice, and that Tom would 'mark me as his equal', which he did by giving me the scar on my forehead."
Sirius seemed a bit frustrated not to have the exact prophecy but pressed on with the next question on his list.
"Did James and Lily know the prophecy?"
Harry furrowed his brow. "Actually, I am not sure. Dumbledore was the one who heard it, and I know he warned them that You-Know-Who was targeting me. But I am not sure of exactly when he did it or what he told them. I don't know if they knew of the prophecy, much less what it said. From the words of my parents before Tom killed them, I think they knew I was the one he wanted."
Fleamont interrupted Sirius before he could pounce with his next question. "That's something I wanted to ask this morning. How do you remember James and Lily's words? You were only one?"
"Dementors made me remember. They had a terrible effect on me until I learned the Patronus Charm." He smiled. "Remus was the one who taught me, when I was in Third Year."
Euphemia coughed. "Excuse me, in Third Year? I am not sure if I am more appalled by you encountering dementors so young or by Remus teaching such a complicated and exhausting spell to a thirteen year-old!"
"There was a break-out from Azkaban, so the Ministry decided to put dementors around the school." Ginny explained without bothering to hide her disgust with the fact. "They entered the ground during the first Quidditch match of the year, making Harry fall off his broom. He nearly died."
"And I lost the snitch." Harry added dejectedly.
Ginny slapped his arm. "I blame Wood for that mentality of yours about seeking."
"If you blame Wood, why do you hit me?" Harry protested as he rubbed his arm and pouted.
"Well, he is not here for me to hit right now, is he? And he has not been your captain for over four years, so you really should stop to follow his directive."
Sirius smirked. "What was that directive?"
"Catch the snitch or die trying." Harry quoted faithfully.
The other young man guffawed until he realized that Ginny had drawn out her wand and was now pointing it towards him.
"Not funny. Third Year was the last one he had Wood as captain, and also the third time he was attacked during a match. And you are part of the reason he was attacked during that match."
"Ginny…" Harry cautioned.
She rolled her eyes. "What? We both know he is going to ask what happened to him at some point."
He sighed, knowing his girlfriend was right.
"I am alive, then? Why would you blame dementors invading the school grounds on me?"
Harry quickly waved his wand towards the door to make sure no sound would escape the room. He could see that Ginny had delibarately provoked Sirius to ask these questions. He guessed that she wanted to impress upon him the consequences of his rash actions sooner rather than later, but what was coming was not something he wanted his parents to overhear.
He finished the spell just in time.
"Oh, I don't know?" She replied sarcastically. "Maybe because you were the bloody escaped convict they were searching for? The one with a Kiss On Sight order on his head?"
Sirius turned ashen.
"You want the truth? When James and Lily died, you acted so rashly and stupidly that people thought you had been the one to lead You-Know-Who to them. As a result, you were framed and spent the next twelve years in Azkaban. And since you were Harry's godfather, your imprisonment meant that there was no one to claim him, so Dumbledore left him with Lily's sister and her dear husband. Who shoved in a cupboard. Literally."
Harry cringed at that particular statement. He hated talking about his childhood. And yet… Ginny's anger and reproaches were nothing he hadn't thought before. He had never dared to voice them to Sirius or Remus. But after he learned the truth in the Shrieking Shack, part of him had blamed them for not being there. Had blamed Sirius for choosing revenge over himself. Had blamed Remus for giving into grief and abandoning him.
The only time he had ever voiced some of that anger to its recipients had been when Remus had tried to abandon his own son. He had never explicitly told Ginny, but he now realized he had said enough for her to guess the rest.
She was not finished, her voice rising with each sentence she threw at him. "Are you proud, now? When you tried to come up with some plan to save James and Lily, you unknowingly gave them away to a spy. When you decided to expose the spy, you abandoned the only and one-year-old child of your best friends inside a crumbling home, with a bleeding head. When you escaped, you caused him to be attacked by dementors. He nearly got his soul sucked out defending you against a hundred of them. At thirteen. When he was sent back to abusive relatives, you agreed with Dumbledore's orders of not even sending him letters. When he was lured into a trap, thinking you were being tortured and he hurried to save you, you stupidly taunted your Death Eater cousin and got killed by a bloody stunner! Are you proud, now, Sirius?!"
She stood glaring fiercely at the shaken man in front of her. Harry reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling her back on the sofa beside him. She relented with a sigh. "And now, you think you can somehow solve everything? How stupid and arrogant are you?"
Harry watched as tears silently leaked over Sirius' cheeks. He had not moved since Ginny started her tirade, hands clutching the cushion of his seat so hard his articulations were white. Next to him, he felt Ginny deflate as her anger left her.
"I am sorry." She said softly. "I know you haven't done any of that."
Harry silently took a deep breath. "Yeah, you haven't." He paused, for once allowing his anger and resentment to the fore as he continued in a clear and hard tone. "Not yet. But you will."
He rose, pulling a willing Ginny with him. "Sorry. I need a break."