It was the middle of the night before I finally blinked my final tears away. I was in my room, still clasping Ghost close to my chest. I hadn't said a single word to him, but he let me know that Country and JC went to the Vanguard and gave the after strike report.
Every detail.
It didn't bother me. I was talking a large game, and thinking it was a game, paid a heavy price.
I knew that Guardians died and their Ghosts revived them, but the amount of psychological damage it inflicted on me was not something I was expecting. Of course it would.
It's death.
It's not something cool or a game mechanic. At least, not to me. For any other Guardian, I can see why it would be something that would be construed as a powerful tool in our arsenal.
But it still sucks. Dying sucks.
And now it's a part of me... I am a Guardian, and dying is inevitable as a Guardian.
I rolled onto my back, letting Ghost finally get some air. He floated around me, giving me scans. For what reason, I have no idea. I blinked and sighed.
"I'm still in my armor, aren't I?" I asked.
"Yes. I'm sure it wasn't comfortable lying down in that."
"Yeah, and I'm sure it wasn't comfortable being smothered by me like that.
"I've had worse."
"Have you?"
"I got myself stuck in a cave wall when I first started looking for you. It took me an entire week to wiggle my way out!"
I giggled a bit at the image of Ghost trying his best to wiggle out of a stuck position. "You seem like you've got a fair share of your own close calls, don't you?" I said.
"Haha, yeah. There was this one time, I found myself in a rather 'sticky' situation. I was exploring the Ishtar Sink on Venus, when a Guardian was asking for some help on a scouting mission. Seeing how I was available, I decided to lend my assistance to them. Anyway, once I was able to lockdown the terrain for them, they thanked me, but as soon as they were on their way, one of the newer Guardians asked if it was time for a lunch break. The fireteam leader, I think her name was Cet, said that they could have a quick break. Well, the newer Guardian takes out a lunch pack she had prepared for them. There was a bowl of jelly and it looked rather interesting! It had a deep blue color and reflected the light in such a beautiful way. Anyway, I got curious since it was the first time I saw it and when Cet set her auto rifle down, it bumped me into the jelly and I found myself stuck! Oh, you should've seen them, Hana. They were laughing so hard at such a silly concept and let me handle the situation of getting myself out of there all on my own."
"Hahaha! Seriously? Ghost, how do you even manage to get caught in something like Jell-o? Wait, does that mean we have Jell-o?" I asked.
"You know what it is?" Ghost said excitedly.
Ghost and I spent a long time just talking about random food topics such as jelly, tacos, sushi, burgers, and even fruit baskets. Though I was a bit worried when he asked me what a pineapple was.
We talked about nothing important. We just talked. It... helped. It didn't cure me, of course, but it helped. And honestly, just having Ghost made this whole ordeal much more bearable to go through.
I think it was close to 8 P.M. when Ghost notified me that JC was trying to contact me. I didn't know how to respond.
Her words kept ringing in my ear. "You're making a huge deal of this." I know she and Country must've died hundreds, if not a thousand times by now that it did not affect them anymore, but it still doesn't mean I shouldn't be validating in how my own death affected me.
"What does she want?" I said in a very gruff tone.
"She wants to come visit you. She said she's bringing food and drinks over. She asked if Country could come along too."
I sighed. "Yeah... Yeah, I suppose that will be okay. Here, let me just clean the place a tiny bit and tell them to come o-" I stopped in my tracks.
As I got up, I looked down and realized that without my armor, the threads that adorned my body that could be considered clothes were the only things I had on. "AH! T-TELL THEM ARMOR ONLY!" I said as I hopped quickly into the shower to get myself ready.
Ghost shook his body as his iris lit up, my guess was that he was relaying a message back to them.
The shower I took felt abnormal. It felt as if it was just something I was doing to pass the time. It didn't have the same sense of relaxation that I had always appreciated back home or when I first arrived in my room.
Once it was over, I dried myself off and looked at myself in the mirror. Again, my raven hair drooped over my newly colored amber eyes. "Shoot..." My eyes were puffy and bloodshot, easy signs of me weeping throughout the entire day.
There was no point in denying the fact. JC and Country were both there to witness the blubbering mess I was and I didn't care.
At the time.
But now, as they were bringing food and drinks over, I couldn't help but wonder what they must think of me. Was I a failure of a Guardian to them? Was I hopeless because I now had a traumatic experience with death, something that clings to Guardians like a stench?
I didn't have time to actually ponder any of these questions because as soon as I heard the door knocking, I stumbled onto my back as I raced over to open the door.
"Hana, they're at the do-" I cut Ghost off.
"I got it!" I composed myself as best I could. I reached for the control panel to slide open the door, but as soon as my fingers touched it, I realized I was stark naked. "W-wait!"
But the door slid open incredibly fast. There, standing at the doorway was Country and JC, Lasso and Tulip in tow.
I attempted to cover my body with my hands, but my touch was quickly met with the familiar feeling of armor. "Huh?" I opened my eyes, and sure enough, I was donned from neck to toe in armor.
I turned to Ghost who nodded at me. I couldn't admit it with JC and Country standing in my doorway, but I pleaded with my eyes, telling Ghost that he's the best.
He must have understood because he tilted himself and nodded once more. "Uh, kid? Aren't ya gonna invite us in?" Lasso said.
"Huh? What? R-right! P-please come in! Ah, could you take off your shoes?" I said.
"What?" JC looked at me perplexed.
"Sorry, force of habit. P-please come in." Sure enough, JC and Country came in, wearing their armor like I asked. Country had in tow with him a medium sized cooler and JC had bags with glass bottles inside of them.
As they entered into my place, I made a mental note to see if I could have a genkan entryway installed for the future. Wait, am I already considering this place as my home? But I have to find a way back home... To my dad... Yeah, this is just temporary, and having something like would just-
"Say, mind if we use yer fridge, kid?" Lasso asked.
"Oh, sure. Here, I'm sorry." I helped Country unpack his cooler, slabs of meat and spices were put on the kitchen counter. I also helped out JC with the drinks, but upon closer inspection, I realized it was mostly booze.
I had never really had a 'drink' drink back home, but I did share the occasional sip of sake or tequila whenever mom or dad poured themselves a glass. Though, I couldn't tell what kind of booze JC brought.
When I reached the bottom of the bag, I pulled out what appeared to be regular juice bottles. "Oh, right! JC said you might not be able to handle your alcohol too well, so we went and got you some juice! I hope you like appl- AGH!"
"She doesn't need to know that!" JC said, clasping Tulip tight. I raised an eye and looked keenly at JC. Before I could say anything else, she cleared her throat. "L-look, I don't want to be responsible for a fourteen year old girl getting wasted without supervision, okay?"
"I'm sixteen..."
"Wait, you're sixteen? Swear to the Traveler!" JC said with genuine surprise.
"Umm, yeah." I said.
Confused, Ghost nudged against me. "Sorry, Hana. I was just helping Country lay out all the ingredients for cooking."
I looked at the spread and my eyes went wide. "Oh, wow! You have a lot of stuff here, Country!"
"Thanks. A gift from Tex Mechanica." Country said in his gruff voice. "A thank you for using some of their weapons in a past crucible match."
"Oh, right... That reminds me, I never got to ask, but is Shaxx always that ecstatic?"
"You wouldn't believe..." Country said, with his gaze wandering off into the distance. I looked over to where he was staring, but all I saw was my empty walls. "Anyway, we've got some grub to cook, don't we?"
"Right. Kid, mind if we use your kitchen? We're making seasoned nachos." JC said.
"Of course. If you need help, I can lend a hand?" I said.
"That will be great, thanks. Here, you know how to use one, right?" JC held up a knife and pointed the handle towards me.
Even if I didn't see it, the sharp edge of the knife sent a shiver down my spine. I gulped and subconsciously reached for me neck. Before I touched my neck, however Country took the knife and tilted his head. "Best I take care of this part. Why don't you help me out with seasonin' the meat afterwards?"
JC looked away before I could gather my thoughts, but I nodded. "Sure thing, Country. Here, let me get an a...pron..." I didn't have an apron.
JC groaned with an exaggerated back lean. "Kid, I know you just got to this place, but surely you've got some essentials?"
"Uh, sorry. I haven't had time to go out shopping." I said with a meek voice.
JC looked at me up and down and nodded. "Tulip, think you can get the kid's size?"
"On it!" Tulip zoomed around me at a break neck speed. She had been scanning me and was having a bit of trouble as Ghost was trying to block her path.
"Got it! Although Ghost here did give me a bit of trouble, got her measurements down to the micrometer!" Tulip projected a chart for everyone to see, and sure enough there was a diagram of myself being displayed.
"Wow... You got all of that from just a few scans?" I asked.
"Sure did!" Tulip said with gusto. "See, you stand at 4 foot, 10 inches. Your weight is 118 pounds, and your measurements from top to bottom are-"
"OKAY OKAY I GET IT, TULIP!" I nearly screamed. I stammered a bit before I finally composed myself enough to ask a question. "Ahem. So, what do you need my very PRIVATE information for, exactly?"
"This." JC held out her arms in a matter of seconds, a pile of clothes popped up. They were simple clothes stacked neatly. "Old clothes that I don't wear anymore. I'm sure the sizes aren't too big, but go on and try them on."
"Gee, thanks, JC." I said. I was on my way back to the restroom when I heard JC scoff.
"Aren't you changing in here?" JC asked.
I raised an eye and gestured Country and Ghost. "There's... guys here, JC." I said.
"Well, to be fair, Hana. I'm an AI made by the Traveler, and Country... Is a guy, yes go change in the back." Ghost said eyeing Country up and down.
Shaking my head, I could hear JC telling Country that she was going to change as well, so he might as well take off that bulky armor.
I laid out the clothes in front of me and picked out what looked the cutest. A plain, faded pink shirt and some black dolphin shorts. Upon putting them on, I did feel as if the shirt was a tad big on me, but the shorts seemed to fit nicely, so there was a silver lining to all this.
That, and the feeling that I just got my first real articles of clothing since coming here. Granted, they were hand me downs and definitely not my style, but still it was a gestured I greatly appreciated.
I walked out back into the kitchen area and noticed that JC changed into something similar. A much brighter, neon green shirt and shorts matching mine. Country on the other hand had on a black shirt that complimented his metallic sheen and board shorts of a similar color.
Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact that there were three Ghosts floating around the kitchen area and an Exo dicing up the meat, I could honestly say I was over at my cousin's house.
Still, I had the feeling that JC and Country didn't come over for a simple dinner, so I began to plan my questions accordingly.
"Hana, come season the meat I've already got diced up. Seems like JC is gonna be making something called 'Titan Surprise'." Country said in a gruff voice.
"And the surprise is whether or not it's named after Titan or the Titans." Tulip said with a giggle.
"Umm, sure thing." I went over and got to work, working in the spices into the meat. It was honestly nothing I wasn't familiar with, since I cooked a lot for my dad. The only difference was that I was actually having help from some other people.
Once the meat was properly seasoned, we started up the frying pan and began to cook the meat. While that was happening, JC seemed to be pouring bottle after bottle into some large bowl, the contents of it electrifyingly coming alive into a beautiful blue hue.
Although I've never seen Titan, I can assume that it was named after Country's class. Either way, the concoction looked delicious, and I couldn't wait to taste it.
At least, I would be if JC didn't already wag her finger at me. "No dice, kid. You aren't old enough to drink just yet."
"I know… Five more years before I can actually drink."
"Aren't you fourteen?"
"Sixteen!"
"Right, right…. Wait, doesn't that mean…?" JC said in disbelief.
"Yup! Hana is, by law, eligible and old enough to drink!" Tulip said happily.
"Wait how did you forget I was sixteen? I literally just told you! Wait, the age limit is sixteen?" I said flabbergasted.
"Yes ma'am! Guess we can't really call you 'kid' now can we?" Tulip said.
"Imma still call her kid, ain't tha' right, Country?" Lasso said.
A simple "Hmm." was all I got from Country.
"Gee, thanks." I said, rolling my eyes. "So let me get this straight. The legal age here is sixteen?"
"That's right." Lasso said. "Means you can definitely get a taste of that Titan surprise, ain't that RIGHT, JC?" She leaned in towards her.
"Ugh... Yes, yes, she can have A SIP."
"A cup." I said.
JC eyed me and with her cunning eyes, she glared at me. "Two sips..."
"Half the cup."
"THREE..." JC said, holding up three fingers with an exaggerated shake of her hand. "Sips..." She finally whispered.
"Deal!" I said, shaking JC's hand.
It was surreal tat were talking like this, but better this comedic scene than talking about what's really pervading my mind.
Adding some finishing ingredients to the meat, we finally began to lay out the large plate of nachos, carefully making sure that each tortilla chip had plenty of cheese, meat, and toppings ready to be devoured.
We sat at the dinner table as JC poured our cups of Titan surprise. She made sure not to give me much, but in the end, I wasn't even sure if I actually wanted to drink it, or if I just wanted to grind JC's gears.
"Well, dig in!" JC said. Country, JC and I sat down and began to pick at the nachos. They turned out incredible and were incredibly savory. The spices added a nice kick to it, but if I were to be honest, I do miss having some very spicy food my dad would occasionally make us.
"Damn... Excellent as always, Country." JC said. She took a swig of her drink and laughed. "Man, eating and drinking after a long day sure does hit different. Kid, what do you think of the food?"
"Uh... Yeah, it's great. Really great! Thanks a lot, Country."
"No thanks needed, kid. Sup and rest easy." he said. He took some nachos into his mouth and ate.
I knew I was being rude and was staring incredibly hard at Country because after he finished chewing, he took a swig of his drink and nodded. "Yeah, we Exo's do experience the pleasure of eatin'."
"Just don't ask where the food goes. That's an entire mystery in of itself." JC added.
I raised an eye. Shrugging it off, I took a sip of the Titan surprise and felt genuinely surprised. "This is really good! It doesn't taste like alcohol at all!" I downed the rest of the drink, feeling a bit warm from the booze, but not enough to actually be inebriated.
"Hey, easy there kid." JC said. "Can't have you wild and drunk on your first drink."
"Well if you must know, this isn't my first drink." It was a white lie.
"Yeah? Had a sip here or there, I'm guessing." JC said.
"Well, y-" I was cut off by Lasso.
"Wait a minute... You were raised just the other day. No way in hell you actually got anywhere near the bars 'n the city!"
"I... Uh..." She got me pinned.
"Pretty sure she's just talking a big game." Tulip said teasingly. "It's okay, Hana. You don't have to be so tough. We're all friends here."
Ghost looked skeptical at Tulip, but she's right. We're just eating and drinking right now. There's no need to poke into my past.
It wasn't an awkward dinner, but there were times of silence. When Country or JC brought up recon missions on Venus or patrols on Mars, they seemed to ask for my input.
"I'm still just doing missions on Earth..." And the conversation was killed.
They brought up their favorite drinks and bars in the city, where they could get a bite to eat, or where their favorite market was at. When it seemed like it was my turn to tune in...
"I haven't visited the city yet..." And the conversation was killed.
JC groaned. "Well, I'm feeling quite buzzed. How about you, Country?"
"Hmm?" Country looked skeptically at JC. "That's for you to decide, ain't it?" he said as he downed the rest of his drink.
"Uh huh... Just because there's Exo's that say they don't get drunk and other Exo's saying they get sloshed does not mean you have to keep up with that silly running gag!" Tulip said.
"Well, if we think about it, do you think Exo's were made with a coding? If they were, that would be incredibly thoughtful to give the full human experience." JC added.
"Wait, I know that Exo's are... Mechanical, but is there an actual code and everything, Country?" I asked curiously.
"Hmm. Trillions of lines of code. Golden age tech. Even the best of Ghosts haven't been able to decipher it all." Country said, pouring himself another drink.
"Is this true, Ghost?" I asked.
"Yes it is, Hana. I've never tried myself, but from what I've heard, it would take centuries to decipher and compile the entire code!"
I was amazed. There are so many wonderful things in this new world and it always made me ask more and more questions.
It seemed that JC was getting into the spirit of things because she felt kind enough to pour me another glass. "Look, we ain't got any missions tomorrow, so screw it." Her face was starting to get red, the same way my mom and dad looked after they finished their third round of drinks.
I wasn't about to complain. The drink that JC made was really good. Plus it didn't really taste like it had booze in it. Maybe it seemed lighter than I expected?
Well it seemed like that. That was until I had my second drink. Then a third.
It was gradual, but it soon turned to JC, Country, and I screaming at each other in merriment. "Holy Traveler, Country! These may have been the best nachos yet!" JC said.
"Glad you -hic- liked them. But I couldn't have done it without the kid!"
"Eyyyyy now... I'm sixteen but I'm definitely no kid! I... swears, okay?" I was slurring my words something fierce.
"Pfft! Yeah right. Kid, where'd a kid, like a kid yourself, kid... Kid? Kid, where'd ya go?" JC asked.
I was giggling while holding Ghost closely to me. "Ghost... You're like a little light bulb. A smart bulb! And a very cute bulb!"
Ghost sighed. "Well, at least you're only inebriated in your own room." Ghost wiggled his way out of my grasp. "Tulip, Lasso. Are your Guardians always this... adventurous?"
"You wouldn't believe, Ghost. Country 'n JC have been wild since they themselves were young'uns. Never thought they'd actually have the kid join in with 'em though."
"Yeah, and what?" I said nodding my head. "I can hang. I can get down with it." Looking back on how I was acting, it makes me cringe.
"Yeah right, kid. Think you can hang with the big boys?" JC asked.
"You're a girl, JC." Country said.
"You know what I mean." JC took another swig. "Look kid, we gotta talk."
"Umm, JC... I don't think now's..."
I cut Ghost off. "What? About how I freaked out today?" I said with venom in my mouth.
JC kept staring at me. "Yeah. I know death can be... bad, but with something like that, I thought you'd have been used to it. I mean, you just came back to life a day ago. Surely you must have already kicked it?"
"Well to answer bluntly, no. I haven't 'kicked it' yet. Not until today." I glared at her.
"First of many, I'd say." JC said taking a swig of her drink. "Kid, you are gonna see some rough shit out there, and I'm talking really rough. It ain't pretty and you gotta approach it knowing that it ain't pretty."
"Yeah, I know it wont be. That doesn't mean I can just adjust myself to it overnight, JC." I myself took another swig of my drink. "Must've been easy for you, huh? Badass JC, just shrugging off her deaths."
"You have to shrug them off. The mission is what matters."
"Okay, so the mission matters, but what about how I feel about my own death? I nearly blew Country's head off and I just have to shrug off that feeling?" I said standing up in protest.
"Yes, you do, kid. I know it's hard, but we're Guardians. We're out there to protect the city. We're out there knowing that those trifles have to be left behind!"
"I don't get it! That death seriously traumatized me! One minute you have my back, and the next you're telling me to grow a set! It's ridiculous!"
"If you falter with that, you wont be able to hold your own as a Guardian!"
"I can't just forget my death!"
"AND NEITHER CAN I!" JC's scream left me in a state of shock. "You think I had the luxury to process my first death as a Guardian? You think having your head lobbed off sucked? At least you were already numb from the freaky golden gun you fired. I HAD MY HEAD BLUDGEONED UNTIL I WAS JUST A SPLATTER ON THE FLOOR!"
JC collapsed back onto her seat. Tears were welling up in her eyes. "And it's just... It sucked. I was by myself... I was surrounded... I couldn't get out, I couldn't..."
I was stunned. I had forgotten what having died hundreds of times entailed. Country and JC... They've both had their first deaths...
I could only imagine the pain and suffering they went through. I was lucky enough to have team mates by me when it happened... And I neglected their feelings.
They didn't want me to just suck it up and go on. They wanted me to know that, yes death was a terrible feeling, but it wasn't something that had to have power over you. I had a team to help me out. I had them to watch my back. I had them.
Damn it, I started to cry as well. "I'm sorry, JC... I should've known... I should've..."
"Kid, it's not your fault. We're just processing, is all." JC said through gasping tears. "Hell, I'm still trying to figure out if I've really come to terms with dying that day."
"JC... Oh JC!" I run up to her and give her a hug. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry!"
"Kid! H-Hana!" We both embraced each other, wailing and weeping as we let our sorrow come out in full view.
Ghost, Tulip, Lasso, and Country stared at us, letting us have our moment. Until Tulip spoke up. "Well ain't that a sight..."
Country took the three Ghosts over to the kitchen area. "Let 'em cry it out. I'm sure the alcohol's doing all the talking, but better now than on a mission, I guess."
And so JC and I spent most of the night sobbing, crying, weeping, and just letting out all our frustration out.
I am sure JC was crying for more than just having her first death unnoticed by others, but as for me, I cried out for myself. I cried out for my father. I cried because I missed my mother. We simply cried.
Well actually, we may have gone a bit overboard with it. The sunrise the shone in through the windows hurt my eyes. I looked around and noticed that JC was sleeping in my bed, her arm still around me.
I got up and Ghost zoomed towards me. "Good morning, Hana. How did you sleep?"
Groggily, I answered in all honesty. "My head is killing me, Ghost... Can't you make it go away?"
"I can, but I think a hangover is the perfect punishment for letting loose last night, don't you think, Hana?" Ghost chuckled to himself as he enveloped me in a small glimmer of light.
Immediately, the pain in my head was washed away and I felt refreshed and vibrant. "Thank you, Ghost."
I looked over my shoulder and smiled. I laid back down, letting JC's embrace hold me again. I was an only child back home, so part of me wondered if this is what it felt like to have an older sister.
I smiled and let Ghost talk to Tulip while they let us sleep for a while longer. At least, I thought we were.
JC got up and yawned. Loudly. It was the epitome of 'not cute' and when she finally rubbed her eyes, she smacked her lips and and turned towards me. "What... are you doing in my bed, kid?"
"Uh, we fell asleep together, JC." I simply replied.
"Uh huh..." JC was still groggy, but upon realizing that we were in my bed. "Wait, this ain't my bed... Tulip?"
When Tulip showed up with Ghost, she chuckled. "Yes, JC?"
"Why am I in bed with the kid?"
"Hana."
"Kid, not now."
"Well, after you two had your crying session together, you drank more of that concoction you made and you both ended up in here. Country let himself out and asked Ghost to lock the door before he tucked you two into bed." Tulip said.
"And that leads to here where you two cried some more." Ghost said.
"I see... Wait..." JC stared at me and I smiled weakly. "Oh Traveler, please don't tell me you heard me sleep..."
"What? How can I hear you sleep?" I asked.
"Because she snores LOUD!" Tulip said with glee.
"Tulip!" JC said in a whining tone. "Why would you say that? And in front of the kid no less!"
I giggled. Seeing JC lose her cool composure like this was definitely a good change of pace of her calm demeaner. "What's so funny, kid?"
I mimicked a snore, and that seemed to get on JC's nerves. She jumped from the bed, chasing me out into the living room while we lost our breath laughing at the situation.
After the run around, JC and I changed into our armor. We left my place and headed our way to the Vanguard.
Ghost asked if I was okay from yesterday, and I frankly told him that no, I wasn't okay. I wasn't going to bounce back from that traumatizing experience, and I honestly don't know if I ever would.
But I wouldn't let that deter me from my duties as a Guardian. The city needed me, in one way or another. I want to be there for them and I want to be a guiding light so that no one has to go through this alone.
With that resolve, I walked into the Vanguard HQ and bowed. "I'm sorry about yesterday. I wasn't here with JC or Country to give the after strike report due to some personal issues."
Cayde walked up to me. I was expecting a reprimand or something due to him being my vanguard, but instead he put his hand on my head. "Don't sweat the small details, kid. So long as you're holding up alright. Seems like Country and JC cheered you up a bit, huh?"
I smiled and nodded. "Yeah, they did. So, are we going on another mission, Commander?" I asked.
"Negative, Hanabi. We have received report of another Guardian that went dark. They were looking for a way inside of a Hive fortress, but they never returned. We want you to look for him and bring back anything you can find."
Another search and recovery mission. Although the last one left me a bit on edge, it was something that I can handle.
"Alright. I'm guessing somewhere in the Cosmodrome, right? Ghost, where about are we-"
"Not in the Cosmodrome, Hanabi." Zavala said.
"Huh? Then where?" I asked.
Ikora pointed up and smiled. "The Moon."
Author's Note: Thank you all for reading! A review, like and favorite would be greatly appreciated!