A Floating Life
Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to SM.
Distance
"I'll be outside with Charlotte whenever you're ready." Leah said to Bella in a hushed whisper so as not to disturb the sleepy little girl in her arms.
"Thanks, Leah." Bella murmured. She reached out and carefully cupped her daughter's face with the palm of her hand. Charlotte's skin felt slightly feverish, her cheeks were rosier than normal. Her temperature was beginning to match that of the wolves. With each passing day she was becoming more and more like them.
Leah studied Bella critically, taking note of the troubled frown, the tense facial muscles. "Jake still avoiding you, huh?" She asked.
A weary sigh escaped Bella's parted lips as she stroked her daughter's hot cheek. "He's so angry with me, Leah."
"What did you expect?" Leah questioned bluntly. "You completely blindsided him. That bleeding heart of yours might prove the death of you one day."
There was a certain level of tiredness that equates to insanity. Bella felt like she had reached that level now. It wasn't just Jacob who was keeping his distance, the whole pack was too. Some tried to hide their anger and disappointment with her, while others openly showed their animosity, with Paul being the most vocal. If she heard him mutter 'vampire girl' through clenched teeth every time she passed one more time, she swore she was going to lose it completely.
Leah was the only one who dared to interact with her at all. Not one to usually hold her tongue, the she-wolf had been remarkably restrained. Bella believed that was mostly because of Charlotte. Caring for the precious little girl united them in ways that would be inexplicable to an outsider, they were such polar opposites. But a grudging friendship was beginning to flourish, for which Bella was truly thankful for.
"So, are you relocating to the res or what?" Leah probed.
"I don't know." Bella hedged. "With the way things are I think its best if I move in with Charlie again for a while."
Leah rolled her eyes. "You need protection, Bella. If you move back to Forks, it will mean having to guard the house twenty-four seven as well as patrolling La Push. There aren't enough of us to do that without something slipping. We don't have the Cullens to rely on like we did on the lead up to the newborn battle. You need to suck it up and talk to Jake and clear the air."
Bella knew that Leah was right, but she recoiled at the thought of talking to Jacob right now. She had seen him upset with her before, but not to this degree. He could barely look at her. When he did by accident, it was like he was looking through the eyes of a stranger. That was bad enough on its own, however, it was his expression that made him almost completely unrecognizable. The open, friendly smile was gone, the warmth and tenderness in his dark eyes altered to a brooding resentment that was instantly disturbing. It was like her sun had imploded; the knowledge made worse knowing that she was the cause of it.
"I'll try." Bella said faintly. "But I don't hold out much hope. I think I might have really done it this time, Leah. I don't think he's going to be able to find it in his heart to forgive me."
A movement flashed in Leah's peripheral vision – she turned and spotted Embry looking at them through the front window of the house with a cryptic expression. Leahs's eyes narrowed as she looked pointedly in his direction. Embry quickly retreated out of sight. It was obvious to Leah that Jacob had his best friend keeping a discreet watch on Bella. He would never leave her unprotected, even if he struggled to be around her himself right now. The she-wolf felt like banging their heads together.
"You can always stay at mine." She offered as an afterthought. "In fact, I think you should. Seth can sleep on the couch and Charlotte can have his room. You'll have to bunk with me. Think you can stand it?"
Bella stared at Leah in surprise, stunned by the offer. "Are you serious?"
Leah rolled her eyes again. "I said so, didn't I."
Bella didn't hesitate to accept the offer this time. Staying at the Clearwaters temporarily was the best option all round. It would mean she could give Jacob some space, but also meant that she was still living on the reservation under the wolves' protection. It was a win, win. She didn't think even Charlie would protest. He spent most of his time in La Push when he wasn't at work anyway. He would just be glad she was safely away from Edward and staying close to home.
"Thank you, Leah. I really appreciate this." She said gratefully.
"Whatever." Leah shrugged nonchalantly. "Just make sure you talk to Jake and try to clear the air. There's nothing worse than a mopey wolf." She ended with a glimmer of a smile. "I'll let you finish packing and see you outside, Swan."
Bella returned Leah's smile ruefully as she bent down and pressed a light kiss on Charlotte's forehead. The little girl stirred briefly, twisting in Leah's arms to get more comfortable, before settling back down again.
In the end there was nothing from the Cullens that Bella wanted to take with her other than a few clothes. She managed to stuff these into one gym bag. Her wedding and engagement ring from Edward she left in his room on a small tray, propped up against a short note telling him she would be in contact to initiate divorce proceedings. There were no words of love or even regret in the note. Her words were concise and to the point. Any real feelings she had held for him had been killed the moment he decided to kill their daughter, it had just taken her a while to realize it.
Hiking the strap of the gym bag over one shoulder, Bella left Edward's room and took a slow walk to the top of the stairs. To her dismay she found Jacob waiting for her. She hadn't expected to see him again quite so soon. The last she had seen of him, he was with Sam, supervising the other wolves as they prepared to leave the Cullens for the final time.
"Jacob?" She whispered.
Jacob stared at her, his eyes tense and angry.
Bella realized they weren't alone. Outside the house stood four others; all tall and russet skinned, with the same black hair cropped short. They looked so much like brothers – she managed to pick Embry out of the group. Quil, Jacob's other friend must have already left with some of the others. The resemblance between the guys was only compounded by the strikingly similar hostility in every pair of eyes.
Every pair but one. Still the oldest by several years, Sam stood at the back, his face serene and sure. Bella had to swallow down the lump lodged in her throat. She wished she could borrow some of Sam's self-assuredness. She scrambled to regain control of herself while her heart ached abominably.
"What is this I hear about you staying at the Clearwaters?" Jacob demanded, his expression growing more resentful as he watched the play of emotions across Bella's face.
"I was going to talk to you about that." Bella replied faintly, her stricken gaze drawn to Embry, who was suddenly looking very uncomfortable. Ah, so he was the source of the information.
"Go ahead." Jacob hissed through his teeth. His glare was heated. Bella had never seen him look at her like that before. It hurt with a surprising intensity – a physical pain, a stabbing in her heart.
"Alone!" Bella demanded right back, raising her voice.
Jacob looked behind him, his eyes going right to Sam.
Sam nodded once; his face unperturbed. He turned and directed the others to follow him. They did so without a word, Embry the only one glancing worriedly at Jacob as he trailed after the others.
Jacob seemed a bit less furious when the others were gone. His face was a little calmer, but also more hopeless. His mouth seemed permanently pulled down at the corners.
Bella took a deep breath. "I thought it would make things easier if I stayed at the Clearwaters for a while."
Jacob didn't answer. He just stared at her bitterly.
Bella stared back and the silence stretched on. The pain in his face unnerved her. She felt the lump in her throat beginning to choke her.
"Can we walk?" She asked while she still had the ability to speak.
Jacob didn't respond in any way; his facial expression didn't change.
Bella adjusted the strap of the gym bag on her shoulder. Jacob reached out and automatically took it from her without seeming to think about it.
As they stepped outside into the fresh air, Bella felt her feet squish in the damp grass and mud on the front lawn, and, as that was the only sound, at first, she thought he wasn't following her. But when she glanced around, he was right beside her. Either his feet had found a somehow less noisy path or her enhanced hearing was dulling.
As they walked, Bella struggled for the right thing to say, but nothing came. She just got more and more tense.
Jacob suddenly picked up the pace, striding ahead of her easily with his long legs, and then swinging around to face her, planting himself in her path so she would have to stop too.
"Let's get this over with." He said in a hard, husky voice.
Bella waited, feeling at a complete loss for words. She had no idea what to say to make things right between them.
"Are you ever going to speak?" Jacob demanded impatiently when she remained silent.
"Its not what you think, Jacob. With things being so tense between us I wanted to give you some space." Bella choked out; her voice heavy with weariness. "l didn't set out to stay at the Clearwaters, but Leah offered. I was originally planning to go move back in with Charlie, but Leah pointed out what a bad idea that was. Moving in with her seemed a good compromise."
Jacob studied her face for a long moment, speculating. The anger never completely left his eyes. "I see." He finally said.
Bella's jaw tightened, and she spoke through her teeth. "I thought it was for the best. I know how pissed you are at me."
"Yes, I am." Jacob confirmed sourly. His voice turned brittle and he looked over her head, past her, hurt and disappointment bleeding out of his eyes. "Why did you do that, Bella? You backed me into a corner, knowing full well what that decision would cost me. It was like you choosing the vampires over me all over again."
"Jacob, please." Bella whispered, tears collecting in the corners of her eyes. "It's not like that. I wasn't choosing them over you. You don't know the full story. I truly believe Rosalie's past trauma pushed her over the edge. I felt like I was the one who gave her the final shove. I used her Jacob, just like she used me. If not for me involving her in all this in the first place, then none of this would have happened – "
"Enough with the pitiful excuses and self-loathing, Bella. I am sick of it. Blondie made her own selfish choices. She was about to kill you. You could have died. What would that have meant for Charlotte? For me? For all those who care about you? Did you ever even once think about that while you pulled your martyr act?"
Bella felt the tears dripping down her cheeks as she reached out to him, stepping forward with her arms wide. "Please, Jacob, I am so sorry. I just couldn't condemn her. I just couldn't."
Jacob recoiled away from her, holding his hands up to ward her off. "Don't touch me." He muttered.
The stupid tears kept on coming. Bella wiped them away with the back of her hand, and folded her arms across her chest. "Tell me what to say, Jacob. Tell me what to say to make things right."
"There's nothing you can say." Jacob reached up and pushed the long strands of his shaggy hair back from his face. "You still have no idea of what you've done, do you?"
"What do you mean?"
"As soon as Blondie make a move to attack you the treaty was broken, Bella. The fragile peace that was made between us and the Cullens was at an end. You should not have interfered and just let us carry out our duty. Blondie is unstable. You might think you've done the noble thing by being all forgiving and merciful, but all you've done is allowed a crazed, mentally ill vampire to remain at large. You have no idea what she might do next. Everyone knows how obsessed she was with the kid, who knows when she might try again to claim her as her own again. And Cullen – what about him? How do you know they won't collaborate to try and take her from you? He's just as obsessive over you as Blondie is about Charlotte. He would do anything to get you back – even kidnapping his own daughter to get you to come back to him. Have you thought about that?"
Bella's mouth fell open and her breath came out with a whooshing sound. She was frozen in place, stabbed through the heart with his harsh words. The pain twisted in a circular pattern through her body, ripping her open from the inside out, but it was second place, background noise to the chaos of her thoughts. For she knew everything he said was right. She had risked Charlotte's future wellbeing – for what? Leah was right, her bleeding heart was going to be the death of her one day…and maybe those she loved the most.
Utterly crushed, she gazed at Jacob with tear filled eyes, her breath coming in short bursts.
"I don't like hurting you, Bella." Jacob said slowly, mechanically. He scrutinized her face as he spoke. "But I've always told you the truth. I've never lied to you; not like they have."
By they he meant the Cullens.
Bella shook her head back and forth, trying to clear it. Jacob was breathing deeply, his expression a mixture of anger and frustration.
"We should go." He said quietly. "I've said enough for now. I'll take you to the Clearwaters and get you and the kid settled in, then I have to leave on patrol."
Without another word, he walked past Bella carrying the gym bag, striding back toward Sam and the others who were waiting for him in the distance.
A/N-thanks for reading!