Author note:

This chapter took on a life of it's own. I hope you like it. Thanks for reading. And leave me a comment about your favorite part!

CH 5-Expecting

Ever since Emma told him that he was going to be a father, Clay felt like he had his head in the clouds. It was definitely a shock, but a pleasant one. He couldn't remember being so happy. Happier than he thought he deserved to be. He felt like he was living in a dream. But a part of him was afraid that he would wake up and this would all be gone.

He kept his fears to himself. Emma had enough to deal with. The pregnancy was making her horribly sick. He felt guilty as he watched her struggle to keep any food down. Her already tiny frame seemed almost frail whenever he held her. He also observed the dark circles under her eyes and her near constant fatigue. He felt responsible for her condition, and it worried him.

He began to notice new books showing up at home. He would find them on her nightstand, laid on the couch, or even on their kitchen counter. "What to Expect When You're Expecting," "Bumpin' the Modern Guide to Pregnancy," and even "We're Pregnant", which she purchased for him. Most evenings she would curl up next to him and read one of them, sharing bits of information she thought were important or interesting. She even sent him an app that tracked the growth of the baby through her pregnancy. It seemed that in spite of her suffering, she was every bit as excited as he was.

Finally, in her second trimester, she started to feel better. He could see she was no longer just forcing herself to eat and go through her day. She was genuinely hungry and stronger. He breathed a sigh of relief. He was starting to finally believe that this was really happening.

It made leaving her when the team got spun up even harder. When he was on a mission, he always had to compartmentalize, to shift his focus from Emma to the task at hand. It was never easy. But he learned how to adapt. Now, it was even more of a challenge. Knowing it wasn't just Emma he left behind, but their unborn child as well. If he were injured, or God forbid, killed, he would not only leave behind Emma as his widow, but a child he'd never met. So as difficult as it was to put his feelings into a box until he was home, he had to do it. He had never had more reason to achieve mission success and return home safely.

The plane touched down, bringing Bravo back from their Op in Saudi Arabia. Clay finished up his AARs and made sure that his men did the same. Finally, he headed out and was on his way home to Emma. There had been no time or means for communication while he was gone. He fervently hoped that things we quiet in his absence. When he got home and started to unlock the door, he could hear her humming a melody that sounded suspiciously like a lullaby. He smiled to himself as he opened the door.

"Em…Babe, I'm home."

She walked out of the kitchen, hot pad in hand and a smile lit up her face.

"Hey!"

He put down his bags and walked over to take her in his arms. Kissing the crown of her head, he inquired about her health.

"I'm still doing fine."

"And this one," he caressed the small mound of her belly.

"Baby Spenser is just fine. Making me super hungry. But that's it."

"I'm happy to hear that."

With a quick kiss and a squeeze, he left her to go sort out the contents of his ruck.

Later that night, they readied for bed and slid under the covers. Clay opened his arms for her, and Emma scooted closer, laying her head on his chest, and curling her leg over his.

"So, everything go okay?"

He knew she was referring to Bravo's mission.

"Yea. It was…uh, it was good."

She could hear some hesitation in his voice but didn't press. She knew that there were many things he couldn't share with her. But she trusted him to share the important things, his physical and emotional wellbeing.

Clay knew that she would be terrified if he told her about their close call. They lost comms with HAVOC during their exfil, causing them to almost walk right into an ambush. Thankfully, their strategy of splitting up the team upon entering the small gully paid off. They were able to pick off the snipers stationed in the hills before any real damage was done. He recalled the thoughts that ran through his mind as the bullets whizzed past. Images of Emma visiting his grave with a tiny baby in her arms, of a flag draped casket and his pregnant wife doubled over in grief. His breath caught in his throat.

"Are you sure you're, okay?"

Rubbing her back and pulling her closer he answered. He didn't mean to give himself away like that.

"Yea. I'm fine. I promise…just-just tired."

"Well, you're home now so you can get a good night's sleep."

She nuzzled his neck and then rested her head back over his heart.

"Do you…do you think you'll feel like going somewhere with me tomorrow?"

"Sure, Babe. But don't you have work tomorrow?"

Emma reached for his free hand and wove their fingers together, resting them on her stomach.

"I do, but I'm leaving early for a doctor's appointment."

"Is there something wrong?"

"No, nothing at all. My next ultrasound is tomorrow. Naima was going to go with me. But now that you're home…"

"Of course, honey."

"Um, if we want, we can find out the baby's sex this time."

"Oh. Do you want to?"

"Kinda. I mean it would make the planning easier. What do you think?"

"I'll do whatever you want, Em."

She honestly thought he would have a stronger opinion on this. Especially since he had recently reiterated his desire for a daughter.

"Well, we don't have to decide tonight. Let's see if they are able to even determine it. We can see how we feel then."

"Sure, honey."

She settled back in and tried to sleep. But she couldn't stop the small nagging feeling in the back of her mind that something was wrong. Trying to write it off as his exhaustion, she pushed her doubts aside and closed her eyes.

The next day Clay met her at her doctor's office. When she pulled into the parking lot he jumped out of his truck and met her at her car. She reached for him, and they held hands as they walked into the building. Once inside he released her and held the door, as she preceded him into the office. Emma went up to the window to sign in while he found a couple seats.

He looked around the room. As expected, it was filled with women in various stages of pregnancy. And many of them had other little ones in tow. It did make him feel slightly uncomfortable. He had never been around so many pregnant women before. There was only one other prospective father in the waiting room. Clay caught his eye, and they gave each other a little nod. It was then that Clay noticed how nervous the young man looked. He wondered if his expression held the same trepidation. He schooled his features and made sure he was smiling as Emma finished with her registration and took the seat beside him.

"Everything good?"

"Yea, just fine."

They settled in to wait for her name to be called. Clay pulled his phone out from his pocket and flipped through some messages and emails, not really paying attention. After about fifteen minutes, he noticed Emma squirming a little in her seat.

"Something wrong, Em?"

Blushing a little as she resituated herself, she answered.

"I'm fine. I just have to pee."

Clay chuckled.

"Don't they have a bathroom you can use?"

"They do. It's just they ask you to drink a ton of water and not empty your bladder for the ultrasound. I guess it helps them see the baby better or something."

She shifted again, crossing one leg over the other.

"Well, hopefully it won't be too much longer," he reached over and squeezed her hand.

Another five minutes went by before the door opened and a nurse stepped out.

"Emma Spenser."

"Finally," Emma uttered under her breath.

They made their way over to the nurse.

"Emma Spenser?"

Emma nodded.

"I just need to check your bracelet."

Emma held up her wrist while it was checked against the chart.

"Great. I assume this is the father."

Clay didn't understand it, but somehow her comment made him feel like an awkward teenage boy instead of a grown, married man.

Grabbing his hand, Emma responded for him.

"Yes. This is my husband. He was able to come today. I'd like him to be with me during the ultrasound."

"Of course. Just follow me."

She led them down the hall to a brightly lit room. Clay saw the exam table, the ultrasound machine, and a couple chairs.

"Mrs. Spenser. Please undress from the waist down and put on this gown, opening in the front."

She held out a thin cotton garment with snaps down one side from neck to hem. As Emma took the gown from her grasp she smiled and told them that the technician should be with them soon.

Emma proceeded to disrobe and slip into the gown. Then he helped her up on the exam table and she covered her lap with a paper sheet. He noticed that Emma was shivering slightly. He was surprised that she could be feeling chilled. He thought the little room was on the hot side. He took her hands in his and rubbed them.

"Cold, Babe?"

"A little. More…more anxious and excited, I guess."

He smiled and bent to drop a light kiss on her lips. Just as he was standing up, the door opened, and the Ultrasound technician came in followed by the nurse.

The tech had Emma lie back started to adjust some dials and buttons on the machine.

"Excuse me, Mr. Spenser."

The nurse stepped in front of Clay to help Emma arrange the gown and paper covering to expose her belly while keeping the rest of her covered. Then she picked up a bottle and squeezed out a large glob of clear jelly onto Emma's stomach.

"Let me know if that's too hot or cold."

"It feels just fine, thanks."

"Great. Okay, Mr. Spenser, you can come back and stand right over here with your wife."

Clay resumed his spot at Emma's side, and she reached for his hand. The technician turned back to them and placed the doppler on Emma's skin, spreading the jelly around as she went. The nurse went and dimmed the lights so that the screen would be more visible.

At first, the tech didn't say much, just took some shots on the screen and typed in some codes. Both Emma and Clay were getting anxious when she finally spoke up.

"Sorry about that. I needed to do some calibration and take a few initial measurements. But now I can talk you through what I'm seeing."

She moved the wand slightly and then pointed to the screen.

"Do you see this, right here? This is your baby's heart. I can see four full chambers and the rhythm looks steady."

They both looked at the fluttery image on the monitor in awe.

"Have you heard the baby's heartbeat before?"

Emma nodded but spoke up.

"I have, but my husband hasn't been able to."

"Okay, just a sec."

She flipped a switch and suddenly a steady thrum, like a tiny drum being struck underwater filled the room. Clay could hardly process it. Emma's fingers tightened around his as she watched his expression. She knew that he often had to hide his emotions behind a mask, to stuff them into a little box to make sure he could think clearly when on a mission. But now he was hiding nothing. She could see the myriad of feeling sweep across face until he looked down at her with tears in his clear, blue eyes.

"That's our baby?"

Sniffing back her own tears she answered.

"Yep. That's our baby."

Giving the couple just another minute, the tech switched off the doppler's sound and continued with the ultrasound. She showed them the head and spine, each tiny hand and all ten toes. Then, toward the end of the exam she asked the crucial question.

"Do you two want to know the baby's sex?"

Emma looked at Clay expectantly.

"Well, Em. What do you think?"

"Do you want to find out?"

He hesitated for a moment. He knew that that knowing the baby's sex would help her plan. And since he was gone so much, he wasn't much help with that. Not that he actually knew much about what babies needed anyway. So much of their lives was out of their control because of his job. It made sense that she would want to know this if she could.

"It's up to you. Babe. I'll be happy no matter what."

He felt sure she was going to tell the tech to let them know if they should plan on a son or daughter. So, her next words surprised him.

"As much as I want to know. I kind of like the idea of being surprised. So, no. No. We don't want to know."

"Okay. But if at any point you change your mind, just let your doctor know. It will be noted in your file."

"Thank you."

The tech finished up by printing out some of the clearer images of the baby for them. The nurse helped her to wipe the excess jelly off her skin and told her to take as much time as she needed to get dressed. As soon as the nurse left, Emma hopped up and headed for the small restroom in the corner. Clay sat down, looking at the grainy image in his hand. He could make out the head and body, and even a little hand. The baby looked like it was waving to them.

When Emma emerged, he was still sitting, quietly gazing at the image of their little one. Laying a hand on his shoulder she looked back down at the printout as well.

"Are you okay not knowing?"

"Huh?" He laid his hand over hers. "Oh, yea. It's fine, Babe. I'm happy as long as you and the baby are healthy."

"Well, I'm going to get changed."

He felt her hand slip off his shoulder but was almost unaware. He was still lost in his own thoughts. In fact, he didn't even realize Emma was dressed and ready to go until she called his name. She noticed his mood. He seemed rather subdued. This time she couldn't chalk it up to being tired. She wanted to know what he was thinking. But this wasn't the time or place for that conversation.

The started back to their cars, Emma keeping the conversation light.

"Um, I promised Dad I would come over for dinner tonight. When I told him about my appointment today, he wanted to hear all about it."

"Sure thing."

"Sorry. I made plans with him before I knew you would be home."

"It's no problem, Em. It's been a little while since I've seen Jace. It'll be good to catch up."

"Thanks."

She gave him a quick kiss before they parted and started on their way to Jason's.

They arrived at the same time. Emma pulled into the driveway and Clay pulled up and parked on the street in front of the condo. Jason opened the door as Emma got out of her car.

"Did you have surveillance on us?"

"No," he laughed. "I happened to be taking the garbage out to the garage and saw you pull in."

He wrapped her up in a big hug. When he let her go, he saw Clay walking toward them.

"Hey man! I didn't know you were home."

The two men engaged in the obligatory one-armed hug before turning to go inside.

"Yea. I got back yesterday."

"Uh huh."

"So, you were able to go to Em's appointment with her today?"

"Yep."

Emma tossed her purse onto the coffee table and flopped down onto the couch. Clay sat beside her, and she leaned her head on his shoulder. Jason took the chair near Emma.

"Em…how's everything with the baby?"

"The baby's good Daddy. The Ultrasound tech said the measurements are on schedule, the heart and lungs look great. And the baby has all ten fingers and toes."

"That's great news honey."

"And we got to hear the heartbeat."

"Any pictures?"

Clay dug into his wallet and pulled out the copies given to him. Jason took them and sat back to study each image.

"Wow! That's a baby all right,"

Laughing Emma called out her father.

"What did you think this was," she gestured to her small, rounded belly. "I just had too many tacos or something?"

"No, no. I didn't mean that. I know you're pregnant. But seeing this. I just…it makes it more real."

Somehow Jason captured Clay's feelings perfectly. He sighed quietly and then got up and started toward the kitchen for a drink.

"I'm gonna grab a drink. Do either of you want anything?"

"Nah, I'll wait until dinner and have a beer then."

"Em?"

"Uh…a glass of water, please."

As he left the room, Jason and Emma were still chatting about the baby.

"Look at that little hand."

"I know. Isn't it cute?"

"Ya know, I think the baby looks like you, honey."

"You can't tell that yet."

"No, really. I'm sure. Well, maybe except for the size of its head. That big noggin is definitely Spenser's."

Upon hearing his name, Clay stuck his head through the doorway.

"What about my head?"

"I was just tellin' Em that any baby with a melon this size definitely takes after you."

"Daddy!"

Emma swatted at his arm playfully.

"You know the baby's not done growing yet. The head is still out of proportion."

"Hey! My head's normal size. It's Sonny's that is abnormally small."

Emma was lost so Jason proceeded to tell her about a prank Sonny had tried to pull on Clay with a helmet switch back when Clay was just a rookie. They all laughed at the shared memory.

"Well, I'm gonna get the meat on the grill. Burgers still good for everyone?"

"Sounds great, Dad."

Clay handed Emma her water and sat for just a moment before standing again.

"I think I'm gonna go help your dad, okay?"

"Sure. I think I'm going to put my feet up and rest for a while."

Before he left, Clay helped her get comfortable, placing a cushion under her feet and setting her glass on the coffee table. He gave her a quick kiss and then stepped through the sliding door out onto the deck.

"Hey, need any help?"

"Nah. I got this."

Clay pulled out a chair from the patio table and took a long pull of his beer. Jason took the seat across from him.

"You wanna talk about it?"

Clay's head snapped up.

"About what?"

"Whatever's bothering you."

Clay shrugged and started to peal the label off his bottle of beer.

"I know it's been a while since I was your team leader. But I can still tell when somethings eating at you."

Clay gave him a rueful smile and took a deep breath.

"I've just been thinking a lot about the baby."

"You still want it, don't you?"

"Of course! I've always wanted to have a family with Em."

"Then…"

"Lately I've been thinking about the teams. If being an Operator is still the best thing for me."

Jason just nodded his head and let his son-in-law continue.

"It's like you said. Seeing the baby today. It made everything more real. And…it's made me realize how much more is at stake if I…if I don't come home."

Jason blew out a breath and leaned forward.

"I remember having the same questions when Emma was born."

"Really? I mean, you were always all in, all the time."

"Yea. That's the decision I made. And…I was lucky. I came home."

"What if I'm not as lucky?"

"Clay, only you can answer this the question you're asking."

The younger man nodded his head silently as Jason continued.

"You already know that Emma supports you being an Operator. That's not gonna change. So, you have to ask yourself if you think the risk is still worth it."

"I'm trying to figure that out."

"It's a tough one, for sure."

Jason got back up to check the burgers and flip them over.

"There's something else too. Isn't there?"

"Boy, I never could slip anything by you."

"Nope."

"Well…you know what Ash was like as a father. I don't want to be like that. I want to be a good dad. I want my kids to know I love them unconditionally."

"Clay, you are not Ash Spenser. Not in ANY way. I know you'll be a good dad."

"How?"

"Because I see how you love my daughter, how you take care of her and work at your relationship with her. I know you'll be the same with any kids you two have. The fact that you're even thinking about it tells me all I need to know."

Swallowing hard, Clay met his father-in-law's gaze.

"Thanks, Jace. I-I really value that coming from you."

Jason cleared his throat and turned back to the grill.

The conversation for the rest of the evening was light. Both Emma and Clay left Jason's in good moods. When they got home, Clay took Koda for a walk and Emma changed for bed. When Clay returned, she was sitting in bed, wearing one of his shirts and reading a pregnancy book.

"Hey, Babe. Ready for bed?"

"Sort of. I'm tired. This was a long week. But I'm excited too, after seeing the baby today."

Clay kicked off his shoes and started to ready himself for bed as well.

"Yea. That was pretty amazing."

He stepped into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

"So, you're excited?"

"Huh?"

Emma asked again.

"You're excited…about the baby?"

Clay spit and rinsed his mouth. Then he came back in and sat down on the bed facing her.

"Of course, I am. Why would you ask that?"

Emma had a hard time meeting his eyes.

"It felt like…like, I don't know. It felt like you were having some reservations or something."

He was instantly regretful that his own misgivings ever made her think he was second guessing having a child with her. He reached for her hand and used the other to tip her chin up gently, making sure she was looking at him.

"Em…I am excited, so excited about starting a family with you. It's everything I've ever wanted." He swallowed audibly. "I'm also worried."

"About?"

"I'm worried that my job and becoming a father don't mix. If something happens to me…"

"Nothing is going to happen to you."

"If it does, I don't want my kids to lose their dad. I don't want to make you a single parent."

Emma sucked in a breath and Clay pulled her into his arms. Tucked safely against his broad chest she answered him.

"I would never ask you to choose between your family and the teams."

Running a soothing hand over her back, he spoke softly.

"I know you wouldn't, Babe. But it might be time for me to make the choice for myself."

Emma sat back up so she could see him.

"But your heart would still be with the team. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my dad when he talked about leaving Bravo after Mom died. I would rather have all of you part of the time, than part of you all of the time."

"But…"

She silenced him with a kiss.

"Clay, I knew who you were when I fell in love with you. I knew who you were when I married you. And I know who you are now. I don't want you to be anyone else."

Kissing her again, he stood up and stripped down to his boxer briefs and slipped under the covers next to her. They settled in on their sides, his larger frame curled around hers, hand laying protectively over the place where their child was growing inside her. Emma wove her fingers through his and snuggled back further against his firm body.

While Emma started to relax and drift, she could tell Clay was still not ready to sleep.

"Are you still thinking about leaving Bravo?"

"Not, not really. I mean I think I'm probably always going to worry about the risks. And as much as I love you and the baby…I'm a war fighter. It's who I am."

"I know."

She pressed a kiss to the crook of his arm that lay beneath her neck.

"So, what are you thinking about?"

"I wonder if I'll be any good as a father."

Emma flipped over immediately and took his face in both her hands.

"You are going to be a wonderful father."

"How can you know that?"

"Look how you take care of us already. You make sure I'm safe and healthy. Even when you're away on a mission you track the baby's development. And don't think I don't know that you have Dad and Naima checking up on me all the time."

"That's because I have to miss so much."

"See! Someone that was going to be a poor father wouldn't even care. You are already a great dad to our baby and a great partner to me."

He smiled shyly at her comment.

"There is no one else, ever, that I would want to be the father of my children."

"I do love you, Em. Both of you."

"I know. And we love you too."

They both knew that more doubts and misgivings might surface in the future, from both of them. Being a parent was a hard job, even in the best of situations. Clay's job certainly added extra layers of complexity. Still, they were excited about this upcoming chapter in their lives.