WHOA two weeks in a row? After several months quiet? We love to see it.

I realized that some of the next several chapters are largely gonna be kinda dark? I mean we're accelerating towards the end so like it makes sense I guess. Not every chapter will be super dark though, there's just specific ones.

Anyway I got into Genshin recently and am already at AR 32 and hyperlevelling Keqing has helped me obtain the regisvine cores I needed to ascend Kaeya, which I thought I had screwed myself out of getting when I hit world level 3.

Ok, time for the chapter.

(Content warning: PTSD discussion, self-harm)

Looker returned to Snowpoint the next morning. "All is quiet," he told me over coffee (mocha, for me). "Lake Verity is still vulnerable enough that I'll be monitoring it for a while, but if Galactic wants to capture Azelf or Uxie, they'll need to bomb another lake."

I nodded. "Any idea what happened when Thomas and I switched?"

"I think it's just what you said: Azelf and Mesprit thought it would be best if you swapped places. As far as I can tell, it was possible despite the psychic block because some of their powers aren't fully psychic, per say."

I frowned. "What?"

Looker shrugged. "They're deities. They don't necessarily play by the rules of pokemon typing."

I thought about it. "I guess that explains why Azelf's telepathy didn't feel like telepathy."

Looker nodded. "It's also interesting that they could do what they did while already under the Red Chain's control. I think this is good news for us."

"Us meaning those of us fighting Galactic, or the Lake Trio's partners?"

"Considering that the latter is a subset of the former, both," said Looker.

"Fair."

He sipped his coffee.

"Why do you think they swapped you?" he asked quietly.

I cringed. I'd hoped he wouldn't ask.

"I think… um… I just… it was the bombed lake, and then when we got to the cave… and it was, and Lucas… I just… I couldn't." I felt my face growing warm and took a sip of mocha to hide it.

Looker thought about it. His eyes widened in realization.

"Oh, Mew, I'm sorry, I should have switched you sooner. I should have realized."

I shook my head. "It's fine. As Azelf's partner, I should have been able to handle it," I said, a little bitterly.

"You… it's not your fault if…" Looker paused to find his words. "Regardless of the willpower you possess, PTSD can't just be willed away."

"But–"

"It's an illness, Evelyn, you can't just decide it's not there."

"I'm supposed to be Azelf's–"

"Azelf isn't the only Being of Spirit. You said Mesprit had a say in this, right? Even if your willpower is strong, your emotions are still real, and a part of you, and need to be listened to."

Looker blinked like he'd caught himself off guard. I swore I saw something gold leave his eyes.

"That has… implications I'm not ready to consider yet, but it's true. Azelf and Mesprit swapped you because they decided it was the best thing to do, both for you and for the success of the mission. And they were right, and you didn't have to work against yourself to get there."

I toyed with the sleeve on my paper cup.

"I don't like being a liability," I said quietly.

"You're not a liability," Looker said immediately.

"I freaked out at Lake Verity and almost ruined the whole thing," I said.

"You had a panic attack, received help from the Lake Trio, and ultimately saved Azelf, Uxie, and Dawn."

I shook my head. He sighed.

"Well, look. One thing you can do is go to therapy. They can help you work through it."

I grimaced. I still wasn't sure why I didn't want to.

"I know there's historically been some stigma around it, but it's not something to be ashamed of," Looker said.

"Have you gone?"

"Hm?"

"To therapy."

Looker's eyes shifted to the table. "…no."

"You should." He'd absolutely seen shit as an IP agent, including what happened at the lakes the first time.

Looker cleared his throat. "What I'm trying to say is that you can do things to make it better, but PTSD doesn't make you weak. You're still objectively a valuable member of this team. We'll do better about avoiding things that trigger you."

"I'll go if you go."

"Pardon?"

"Therapy."

Looker hesitated. "I'm too busy," he said.

"Then when this is over," I said. "Once we've defeated Galactic and things have calmed down."

"That's very optimistic of you." He thought about it. "All right. It's a deal."

We tapped our paper cups together.

"Did you want to talk about Thomas?" Looker asked once we'd taken a drink.

I lowered my cup. "Not really."

He nodded. "Okay. Let me know if you do."

I nodded, grateful that he didn't push it. "Will do."

The Jenga blocks were still scattered across the table.

I gathered them back in their box and returned them to Candice. I told her what had happened with Thomas. She was horrified. "I'm so sorry," she said. "We were so excited, we ruined it for you."

I shook my head. "It's not your fault."

I asked her about the Spear Key; Galactic hadn't made an attempt on the Key while shit was going down at the lakes, so it was still safe with her. Looker would be moving it someone else soon.

I told Dawn about Thomas, too, because it affected the four of us at large. She was resting the ankle she'd rolled, which was doing better through pokemon healing but still a little fragile. She showed alarm and empathy and asked if I wanted to talk about it and I said no.

I still hadn't really processed what was going on with Thomas, which was part of why I didn't want to talk about it. Instead of thinking about it, though, I had Def teleport us to Route 216, where the blizzard was more of a light snowfall, and trained with my team under hailing-slash-snowy weather conditions. After a brief fiasco consisting of Trust trying to melt the snow above him (leading to all of us getting drenched by a cold, flat sheet of water), this largely ended up meaning umbrellas made from protects. Being able to make shields that weren't a full sphere was proving useful.

When I returned to our room that night, I couldn't find Thomas for a second. His pokemon were asleep all over the room, but his bunk was occupied by Cassie, who'd evolved into a typhlosion sometime at Lake Verity. Then I realized Thomas was in the top bunk, where I couldn't see him from mine.

I set my bag down by my bed, then went and took a long shower.

The next day pretty much looked the same. I woke up early and went out to train. Thomas and I didn't see each other until the evening, when the blizzard picked up outside Snowpoint and we both returned early.

"Hey," he said suddenly.

I looked up. He and I were seated across from each other, on the bunks we'd originally been sleeping in. "Hey, what's up?"

"I've been thinking… You should probably head on to Sunyshore."

The air stilled. "Oh?" I said quietly.

"I mean, you've already beaten the gym," Thomas said, looking determinedly at the floor. "There's no reason for you to stick around."

I stared at him. He wouldn't look up. I couldn't see his expression.

"You're right," I said slowly, my voice cold. "There's no one I'd wait for. No reason to stay."

Thomas didn't move as I gathered my belongings and walked out of the room. I hesitated at the door, but ended up walking away without looking back.

I strode through the halls of the Pokemon Center, heart pounding, looking for Dawn and Lucas. I wanted to say goodbye to them before heading out. Or maybe they'd come with me, who knows? They'd beaten the gym already. We could hang out in Sunyshore together. Although Dawn needed the Canalave badge next. So maybe not.

They weren't anywhere in the Pokemon Center, so I headed to the Snowpoint Gym to say bye to Candice and Maylene first.

Snow fell heavily over the city, muffling the streets. I tramped through the foot of snow that had piled up since the walk was shoveled yesterday. Flurries tumbled past streetlights in silent clumps. I'd have expected them to fall loud like rain, or with any noise at all.

I'd nearly arrived when I saw them, tucked under the eaves at the side of the gym. Snowflakes and Dawn's fingers were tangled in Lucas's hair. The two trainers who'd started their journeys with me – the boy I'd loved, the girl I'd befriended – stood with their eyes closed, lips pressed together with an ease that made me think this wasn't their first kiss, which somehow made me feel lonelier than if it had been.

I threw Def's pokeball. "Sunyshore, please."

We vanished from the snow.

We landed in an alleyway behind the Sunyshore Pokemon Center. The city wasn't warm, but felt that way with snow still present on my skin and the sight of Dawn and Lucas still present in my mind. I recalled Def, breathing heavily as if I'd been running.

I tilted my head towards the sky. It was without clouds, but the overbright lighting of Sunyshore City wiped the stars from view.

My eyes grew damp – Arceus, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry – I blinked furiously until the tears dried up. I looked down at the red brick wall across the alleyway.

From Jubilife, I remembered a feeling of contact, an explosion of heat in my knuckles. The first time Thomas saved me from myself.

Thomas was not here now.

I walked over to the wall.

I placed my palm flat on its cool, rough surface.

I breathed.

Imagined the hard contact. The blossom of pain. The distraction of something more present to worry about. I wanted/didn't want it. My heart raced.

Nothing is in my control/this is in my control.

For a minute the compulsion was overwhelming. I stayed there, hand pressed to the wall, and waited, and eventually it passed.

I exhaled.

I walked around to the front of the Pokemon Center and went inside.

The next week was a blur of training. Volkner, the notoriously-impossible gym leader, posed enough of a challenge that he became something to hyper-focus on. We trained on Route 222, on Iron Island, on the beach at the edge of Sunyshore. We only stopped when my pokemon grew tired. I didn't care if I got tired.

"Evelyn, you've gotta be more careful," Coeur said while Def put some more life dew healing into the sneasel scratches on my arm, which I'd torn open while overexerting myself.

I shrugged. I didn't mind.

In the evenings, I asked around for info about Volkner's team. It seemed like depending on his mood, I would fight four pokemon out of his luxray, raichu, lanturn, jolteon, electivire, rotom, ambipom, and octillery (those last two aren't even electric type, what the fuck?!). This, however, was dependent on me actually being able to pin him down for a battle; the gym was only open sporadically and irregularly, so I'd basically have to camp outside the doors until he showed up.

Two days after I ripped open my wound, my pokemon were sitting in front of me when I opened my eyes.

"Good morning! This is a mutiny," Coeur said cheerfully.

I frowned and sat up. "What? Why? Is everything okay?"

"Nope!"

"Did… Am I working you guys too hard?"

"No, you've been paying attention to our needs," said Prom.

"The problem is you haven't been paying attention to yours," Trust said.

"Is this about the gash on my arm? I just forgot about it. It's almost healed."

"It's about everything," said Coeur. "The gash, the fact that you keep going when you're clearly exhausted, the fact that you wake up, train nonstop, and then go to sleep, and that's your day. I know you don't want to talk about what's going on, but you at least gotta take care of yourself."

"I've just been really focused on Volkner," I said. "I'm fine, guys."

"No, tu n'est pas." The switch from aura to psychic communication was almost jarring. "Je peux sense des emotions."

"Okay, so you know I'm fine."

Def's words turned quieter, like suddenly no one else could hear them. "I hear you crying at night."

I froze. "I don't cry at night," I said. I specifically spent my nights trying not to cry.

"But you get close."

…that was fair. "I'm… I'm just trying not to think about things," I said, rubbing my forehead.

"I get that, but in the process you're neglecting yourself," said Coeur. "It's been a week and it hasn't improved, so we're making you take a break."

I tensed. "That'll undo all the work we've been doing! We can't afford to lose progress before Volkner–"

"–and we won't," said Coeur. "We're just going to take a one-day break so we don't all burn out."

I felt tears coming – I can't even control the Pokemon Trainer part of my life – but took a deep breath. Don't cry, don't cry.

"Okay," I said. "One day break."

Def made some stops around the region for me.

In the cemetery in Solaceon Town, I let out Faith. Turning translucent, she ran over to the hazy ghost of her father, who waved at me.

At the Valley Windworks, I let out Prom. Annie ran outside to play. "I'll be back in the evening," I told her dad.

Coeur I brought to Bebe's house, where she disappeared into a small swarm of brown fur. Hope had no memory before hatching in my arms, but I brought her to the bike shop in Eterna. Mr. Dupont was delighted to meet the togekiss who'd hatched from his togepi egg and babysit for the day. After teleporting me to Twinleaf, Def went to Hearthome, leaving Trust with me.

"You sure you don't have anywhere?" I checked with Trust.

He shook his head. "My family was the turtwig and piplup who went to Dawn and Lucas," he said. "Now it's you and the rest of the team."

It was a Saturday, so Megan and Tricia would be out of school. I wasn't sure of Tricia's intern schedule, so we walked to Megan's.

Megan opened the door, wearing sweatpants. "Hey! How's it going?" she said, looking pleasantly surprised to find me on her doorstep.

The past week and a half caught up to me all at once, and I burst into tears.

Bye Thomas :O