Heart In a Cage

Summary: AH/AU – Damon was once the love of her life, but with that kind of love brought a lot of heartache. Bonnie has moved on to someone new, but they keep winding up right back where they started. Angst/Drama

Song Inspiration: Hold You Back – Ryan Hurd

I get up, you get up
We get dressed, say I love you
Kiss you goodbye and I finally mean it
It took until now for us both to believe it

And it's not like we got back together
We're just coming back to the thing that we know
When you called it off, you said it's for the better
That don't make it easy for me to let go, baby

…

Damon watched her naked back on her side of the bed as she silently redressed herself. He did the same, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, and pulled on his discarded jeans and shirt. He risked a glance over his shoulder, to see her checking her phone, tapping out a quick response before placing it face down back on the nightstand. He'd heard her phone buzz multiple times throughout the night, but they had been too lost in themselves to care, but now he could tell from the tension in her shoulders that she was anxious.

It was wrong what they were doing; he knew it, she knew it, but as hard as they tried, they couldn't stop themselves from ending up right back here. Damon didn't like Enzo, in fact, he hated him now, but he still felt guilty whenever he saw his name pop up on her phone. That guilt was usually accompanied with white hot jealousy. It wasn't as if Bonnie and Enzo were serious by any means – she purposefully kept him at a distance, refusing to let it too complicated. But she knew that Enzo loved her, and she knew that he wanted more than what she was offering, but she was willing to stick around until she was ready to let him in. Would she ever be ready, she didn't know…it was hard to open her heart back up after how her last relationship ended.

Bonnie and Damon started in a whirlwind; neither of them was looking for anything serious but somehow, they became everything to each other – but with that kind of love, came a lot of heartache. They fought constantly, and it was just as passionate as when they were having sex, which is usually what it led to. They were right for each other, but it was the wrong time…it was always the wrong time.

When he looked up, she was standing in from of him, fully dressed in her clothes from the night before. They had convinced each other that it would just be a coffee, then that coffee turned into dinner, which turned into drinks, which turned into him throwing her in his bed and worshipping her until the sun came up. "I have to go." She mumbled, and he could hear in her tone that it was the last thing she wanted.

Damon stood slowly, running his hands through her hair and cupping her face, tilting her chin up to look at him. "You know I love you, right?" he whispered, his eyes darting between hers.

She smiled as her hands covered his. "I love you too." The silence that followed indicated the big but that was coming. "We can't keep doing this, Damon. And not just because of Enzo."

He nodded feeling a clench in his heart. He didn't want to let her go, not now, not ever…but this wasn't healthy for either of them. She wasn't his to keep and he knew he lost her the second he let her walk out that door all those years ago. "I know…but can you blame me for taking what I can get?" he jested humorlessly with a smirk that didn't reach his eyes. He could feel that it was different this time; last night wasn't just a happy accident or them falling into old habits…it was a one last time. He brought his lips down to meet hers in a sensual, and delicate kiss that had her on her tip toes to deepen it, but he forced himself to pull away before it went too far. "Goodbye, Bonnie."

She blinked away the tears that threatened to spill. "Goodbye." She bowed her head, and slipped away from him, even as his hand reached for her instinctively. Bonnie left without looking back and he felt empty.

…

Why was she here? Weren't work Christmas parties a 'committed relationship' thing? Bonnie knew that they weren't there yet…she sure wasn't ready for it, but when Enzo asked her to be his date, and she saw the hope in his eyes, she had a hard time saying no. It had been three months since the last time she saw Damon, and while there was some relief that came with that, she still couldn't find it in her to be emotionally available. That alone brought magnitudes of guilt.

So here she was, sitting at a table looking into the bottom of her wine glass, wishing it was something stronger. Enzo's boss had pulled him away for a one on one, and she was grateful for the break; her cheeks were hurting from forcing the smile on her face, and the effort of keeping up appearances. He'd been introducing her as his girlfriend all night, and it caused a knot of anxiety to rise in her.

Bonnie pushed to her feet, and left the grand ballroom with her coat, heading to the balcony for some fresh air. She pulled the long black wool coat around her tightly, and leaned her arms on the railing sipping back half of her glass of wine. She looked down at the groups of people walking the street outside the hotel; the laughter and chatting of couples walking side by side, their arms around each other floated up to her. The girls giggled, as their spouses hugged them close and whispered in their ears. It had been a long time since she was that happy.

She remembered how easy it was in the beginning. How loving Damon came as naturally as breathing…how simple and clear it all seemed. They were so young; they had no idea what they were in for…

She felt her phone buzz in her coat, and pulled it out seeing Enzo's text. Where did you go? Finishing off her glass, she headed for the double doors, shedding her jacket and tucking it over her arm as she walked back towards the table, leaving the empty glass on a passing server's tray. A couple crossed her path and her eyes widened when they met with a familiar blue; she felt a heat rush over her. He swallowed, staring at her stunned for a moment before drifting to the woman beside him. When it occurred to her that they weren't alone, Bonnie blinked and forced a smile, much like she had been doing all night.

"Hey!" The woman beside him exclaimed. "You're Enzo's girlfriend; Bonnie, right?"

"Yeah…" Bonnie responded, her eyes drifting back up to Damon, who was still staring right at her.

"I'm Andie. We met once at the studio." She said excitedly, trying to jog her memory. "Enzo's told me so much about you. Wow…" she took in her outfit; a long sleeve vivid red dress with a sweetheart neckline that hugged her hips and thighs, stopping just above her knees. She wore a pair of red pumps to match. "You look amazing!"

The compliment took her off guard, and made her flustered, especially considering Damon's eyes were raking over her body as if he was visualizing what was underneath. "Oh, thank you."

Andie seemed to suddenly remember who was standing next to her. "Oh, sorry, this is my date…Damon."

"Um actually-" Bonnie started.

"We know each other." Damon mumbled giving her a pointed look.

Her eyes widened as she looked between them. "Oh, Oh! Bonnie. Okay…um wow." She stammered. It was obvious that Damon had shared their history, which only made this entire moment more awkward. "Well, what are the chances of that?" she laughed nervously, glancing back at Damon.

"There you are, love." Enzo sauntered up, a glass in hand for her. When he spotted Damon, he made a point of slinking his arm around her waist and kissing her neck, just under her ear. "I was looking for you."

She took the wine as she faced him. There was that plastic smile again. "I was just getting some fresh air."

Enzo eyed Damon with a narrowed gaze, but his words were directed at Bonnie. "What is he doing here?"

Andie slipped an arm around his back and the other rested on his chest. "He's my date. Small world, isn't it?"

"And getting smaller." Bonnie muttered under her breath as she felt the walls closing in on her.

Enzo, of course, knew her history with Damon; he was around for the tail end of it after all. Enzo saw the heart ache, he saw the tears and the pain, and had made it his mission to put her back on her feet…and in the process fell in love with her. There was a time when they were all the best of friends – Damon, Bonnie, Enzo, Caroline, Stefan and Elena were a core group that were nearly inseparable throughout high school, but animosity grew between Damon and Enzo where Bonnie was concerned. It only got worse over time.

Damon's gaze finally shifted off Bonnie, and met Enzo's hard glare. "Well, we're just about to head out. Have a good night." Andie shot a smile in their direction as they walked away.

Bonnie swung her eyes to Enzo. "You didn't have to be rude."

"Will there ever be a time where you don't rush to defend him? After everything he's done?"

She rolled her eyes. "We're not doing this again." He always wanted to bring up the past and Bonnie had tried far too long to forget it.

Enzo led her to a secluded hallway, so they could speak privately. "I think we should, Bonnie. Every time things get too personal you shut me out. You're my girlfriend; I feel like you should be open with me about these things."

That word had been said too many times today, and she spit out her response before she could stop them. "You keep calling me that, but I don't recall us ever defining what this is, Enzo." She asserted, watching him reel back. "I know that's what you want…but I was clear that I'm not ready for anything serious."

His jaw tightened. "We've been dating for four months." He exclaimed as if that was explanation enough.

She grabbed his hands. "Look…I care about you, and I like what we have, but I'm in no position to be anyone's girlfriend."

"It's because of him, isn't it?" He grumbled.

She shook her head. "This has nothing to do with Damon." Liar, it has everything to do with Damon. But she couldn't tell him that. She had never told him about her little tryst with Damon, and she had no intention of doing so. It started well before she finally gave in to Enzo and now that it was over, she didn't see the point in breaking his heart over it. "I just can't give you what you want, Enzo…I'm sorry."

He held her hands tighter when she released them. "Bonnie…" he pleaded. "I love you."

And there it was. She had been dreading this. It always seemed to be on the tip of his tongue and in a panic, she would try to redirect the conversation, but now it was out in the open – hanging in the air unabashedly as he waited with bated breath for her response.

Her eyes slanted sympathetically as she gently removed herself from his grip. "You shouldn't." she whispered. She turned and headed down the hall only to see Damon and Andie at the coat check. She marched passed them, keeping her gaze straight ahead as she headed for the exit, and Damon's eyes followed her as he helped Andie into her coat. He'd heard Enzo's declaration, and judging by the way Bonnie rushed off and the look on his face, it wasn't the reaction he was expecting. He released a sigh, and put his focus back on Andie, who was asking him about who's place they would be going to.

He smiled down at her. "Yours." It was never his…his bed was only for Bonnie.

…

Andie lay beside him, the sheets tangled between their legs. The sex was okay…for Damon, it meant nothing; just a way to distract himself. Their arrangement was simple and Andie had no disillusions of anything more; in fact, she saw him as a project, helping him work through his issues when he seemed to be walking a thin line.

"You knew she'd be there, didn't you?" she asked casually, turning to face him.

Damon kept his gaze on the ceiling. "I had a feeling she might be." He admitted. When he met Andie, he had no idea that she worked at the same news network as Enzo, but a few weeks ago when he went to pick her up, he caught sight of Bonnie leaving and it all clicked into place. He hadn't seen her in months, and even just the quick glimpse he got was enough to make him want to see her again.

"She's beautiful." She smiled. "I can see why you're so messed up over her now." She teased.

He huffed a laugh that didn't really reach his eyes. "Yup. Among other things."

She propped herself up on her elbow. "But you love her, she loves you, and she clearly doesn't love Enzo…what's stopping you from being with each other?"

He let out a deep sigh, and turned his head to look up at her. "Because I fucked up…big time. I did something – something horrible, and I don't think she'll ever forgive me for it." He sat up, leaning his back against the headboard. "And honestly, I don't want her to. I don't deserve it."

"What happened?"

.

8 Years Ago:

Damon walked into his dorm room after football practice and was surprised to see Bonnie sitting on his bed. "Hey baby…I thought you had dinner with your parents tonight." She stood, nervously wiping her palms on her jeans as he leaned down to kiss her.

"I did…I cancelled." She eyed him wearily. "Damon, we need to talk."

He dropped his bag looking at her with concern. "What's going on?"

She tugged his arm, pulling him down to sit beside her as she took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant." She waited as he sat there stunned, his eyes wide and unblinking.

"Are you sure?" he managed to mumble.

Her lips pulled in a thin line. "Pretty sure. I took three tests and I've been sick all week."

He swallowed, not really sure what to say or think. He loved her, and that much was obvious, but they had never discussed a family, especially not now. They were twenty-four; they were about to graduate and start their lives and their careers…they had plans that didn't accommodate a child. "What are you going to do?"

Bonnie reeled back. "What am I going to do? Kind of seems like something that requires your input." She snapped back oozing attitude.

"I don't think you'll like what I have to say." He admitted lowly, avoiding her eyes. "But ultimately, it's your choice."

Bonnie balked at him and stood. "What does that mean? I don't think I impregnated myself, so tell me, why is it my choice?" He said nothing and she glared down at him. "Damon!"

"I thought you were on the pill."

"I am."

"Then how did this happen?" he asked confused.

She threw her arms in the air. "I don't know! But it did! Would it kill you to be supportive?!"

"I don't want this, Bonnie!" he yelled back before he could stop himself. He was terrified of what this all meant for their future. His father walked out on him and Stefan when they were kids because he didn't know how to be a dad, and as much as he hated the man, he feared he was just like him. Damon sighed exasperatedly when he saw the hurt on her face and he stood, closing the distance between them. "I'm sorry…but I'm not ready for this; I don't even know if I want kids."

"What?" her voice was barely above a whisper and her eyes clouded with tears as she staggered back from him.

"I love you, but I never saw kids in my future…with anyone. I know we never talked about this before; I figured we'd have time to-"

She crossed her arms over her chest defensively, as if she was shielding her heart. "Well, we don't have time." She shrugged, canting her head and pursing her lips. "So now what?" Damon stared at her, a deep sympathetic frown on his face, as he lowered his gaze to the floor. It was all she needed to know. With a scoff, she grabbed her purse off the bed and pushed passed him.

He grabbed her arm, stopping her before she reached the door. "Bonnie, please…"

She wrenched her arm free, turning to face him. "No, Damon this is it." Her breath caught in her throat as the reality of the situation slammed into her. "You made your choice…now I'm making mine. We're done; I'm done."

"Come on, Bon, you don't mean that." He whispered, his eyes wide and scared. They had broken up before, usually after a particularly heated fight, but they both knew deep down that it wasn't the end. But now…the way she was looking at him; this was different. "You've said that before and we've always gotten through it." He continued, stepping closer and reaching for her desperately. He could feel her slipping away.

She quickly swiped at the tear that fell. "I don't think we can this time." She stated in a soft voice pulling her hands out of his grasp and slipped out the door, letting it click quietly behind her.

.

Bonnie's phone had been buzzing all day. After she left Enzo at the Christmas party a week ago, he'd been trying desperately to reach her. After the third call, she answered, and did her best to let him down gently, but he wasn't giving up that easily. The texts and the calls persisted, and she'd probably be able deal with it if it was only Enzo she was dodging, but Damon had been blowing up her phone too; unfortunately, her will power waned significantly when it came to him.

"What?" She answered tiredly as she sat at her kitchen table spinning a half empty glass of bourbon, the bottom of the tumbler making a scraping sound on the mahogany surface. She needed the distraction to ground her.

"Are you okay?" She could hear the concern in his tone and it made her swallow thickly.

"I'm fine." She mumbled, before bringing the glass to her lips and letting the rest of the amber liquid burn her throat on the way down. "What do you want?"

He sighed. "Have you been drinking?"

She rolled her eyes. She hated that he knew her so well. It's not that she had a drinking problem; she just had a problem when she was drinking alone. "What do you want, Damon?" Bonnie asked again flatly. He didn't answer. "I'm hanging up." Drinking also made her a bit snappy.

"Wait…Bon, I miss you."

She chuckled humorlessly as she poured more bourbon into her glass. "Don't. Don't do that to me..."

There a beat of silence. "It was good to see you; of all the places-"

"Don't act like you didn't know I was going to be there. Does Andie know that you used her?" she swallowed a pull from her glass. "It's obvious she knows about us…so are you fucking her, or was she just your lame attempt at making me jealous?"

"I didn't call you to talk about Andie."

"So, you are fucking her then." She deduced knowingly. Letting out a sharp sigh she continued. "What did you call about? I know it wasn't to discuss my drinking habits."

She heard him exhale, and Bonnie could picture him tussling his hair as he did when he was about to talk about something he was uncomfortable with. "I heard your conversation with Enzo at the party. I know you, Bonnie; I know I'm the reason you can't commit to him and I'm sorry." Bonnie gnawed on her bottom lip, as she listened to him. "I've been selfish, because I love you so much that I can't bare the thought of losing you…but I lost the right to have you a long time ago. I kept holding on to what we had thinking that maybe one day we'd be able to start over…but I don't want to hold you back anymore. I'm letting you go…" she could hear the strain in his voice and it pulled on her heart strings.

"I've been selfish too. It's easier to pretend that I didn't spend the last eight years regretting my decision…pretending that looking at you wouldn't remind me of what we could have had. So, I lie to myself, because the alternative is hating you and I…I can't do that." She shook her head to herself. "The truth is, despite all my regrets…I still forgave you." She explained dejectedly.

"Why?" His tone was incredulous and broken.

She smiled bitterly to herself. "Because I love you too, because I always have…and maybe because I still have hope for us."

There was a slight shuffle on the other line. "Come to the door."

Her heart fluttered, and she jumped to her feet, crossing to the front door of her apartment and yanking it open. Bonnie couldn't help the dazed smile. "You've been out here the whole time?"

He shrugged, the phone still to his ear. "Despite everything I said, I still have hope for us too." He smiled back, gazing down at her as she looked up at him in stunned silence. He slipped his phone in his back pocket, and grabbed her phone from her ear. "I'm sorry, Bonnie. And I know that I've said that a million times, and its still never going to be enough…but I was stupid, and I had no idea what I wanted then." Damon cupped a hand around her neck. "Eight years ago, I let you down."

She looked away. "Damon…we don't need to bring this up."

"No, we do…I know you don't want to talk about it, because we lost something that day that we will never get back. And I never told you…" he whispered rubbing his thumb over her cheek.

"Told me what?"

His eyes pooled with tears. "It was the biggest mistake of my life, and I regret it everyday."

Bonnie's lip trembled. "You do?"

He nodded. "I think about what we'd be doing right now; whether it would have been a boy or a girl…if she'd have your eyes or smile. If he'd be as much of a troublemaker or as stubborn as I was." They both let out a breathless laugh; Damon painted this beautiful picture for her – one that she imagined a thousand times. Would they have more than one child by now? What would have this Christmas looked like? "I'm ready now, Bonnie. For whatever you want; if you want to start over, if you want to pick up where we left off…if you want me to disappear and leave you alone for good," he paused sucking in a pained breath. "I'll do it…reluctantly, but if that's what you want-"

"It's not." She cut him off urgently.

Relief washed over him and his shoulder relaxed. "Oh, thank God." A bubbling laugh rumbled in her throat and he realized it was the first time he heard her laugh in months; it was music to his ears.

Bonnie started up at him curiously. "What do you want?"

"I want it all." He declared positively. "I want to marry you, have the two-point five kids, white picket fence, fat grandchildren, you name it." She giggled and it brought a lopsided smile to his face. He closed in on her seductively and she walked backwards leading him into her apartment. Damon slammed the door shut behind them. "I want all the moms in the PTA to be jealous of how good we have it." He leaned down brushing his lips against her neck and she let out a shaky breath. "I want the first present I open on Christmas morning to be you…I want to make you a mother…and I want to start practicing," a devilish glint flashed in his eyes as he hoisted her into his arms. "Right now." Bonnie crashed her lips against his as he carried her into her bedroom.

Bonnie and Damon started in a whirlwind; neither of them was looking for anything serious but somehow, they became everything to each other – but with that kind of love, came a lot of heartache. But it also brought a lot of passion and a bond that even years couldn't break down. And finally…in this moment it felt like the right time.

…

AN: Merry Christmas everyone! Sorry, I know this was a little angsty, but the idea was rolling around in my head and I couldn't let it go. I have some more fun ones coming up so please stay tuned. Hope everyone has a happy holiday; enjoy this time with your families. I'll try and come back with another story before the new year! Please review! - Vanessa