Suicidal Thoughts in this Chapter
Ever since seeing Arthur again, Saphira has been a lot quieter than she was before. It seemed dark thoughts have begun to re-enter Saphira's mind, and it was hard for her to think of anything but what Arthur had said to her. The words he said to her hurt. Knowing that he used her, and he never really cared about her, messed with her mind. It made her feel sick to know that every kind word he said, was never kind. And she did not even know if she would have a good life as an international relations manager now that she knew what Arthur truly thought and felt about her. She hoped that she would never see that man again.
She did make use of the portable stove top though. She ended up buying a cooler, which she filled with ice and she was able to keep some meat, eggs and vegetables within the cooler. Though she stuck to things like potatoes, carrots and onions for the moment, as she would buy other vegetables in smaller quantities. Frozen vegetables were out of the question, even though it was getting cold enough that things would not defrost quickly, and when winter did arrive, she might not need the cooler. But as it was kept within Optimus's chassis, the warmth of his body would still defrost anything.
But Saphira picked at her food more than she ate it. Mirage was the one who watched her intently when she made an omelette the other day. And he was so happy that she made it, but when she went to eat it, he was shocked she was just poking it with her fork. Mirage encouraged her to eat, though she ended up getting annoyed him pushing her to eat when she was thinking of other things. But he wanted her to eat the food, since she needed it.
And because of that, it was hard for her to eat more than one meal a day. The autobots did wish she that she would eat more than she was choosing to eat. But once a day was fine. She would still put on weight since she was eating high protein foods as her choice of food. Along with carbohydrates within the potatoes. Though Saphira's body wasn't gaining much weight yet, so they still had to wait to see any actual change in her body.
Though Optimus has not been pushing Saphira to eat more like Bumblebee, Mirage and Arcee have been. Though Arcee stopped pushing after a few days, Bumblebee and Mirage have not. They're extremely worried for Saphira, which has made her stick with Optimus almost every day. She didn't want to hear them pushing her to eat more when it comes to breakfast and dinner. She only has lunch, and she felt it was enough for her for the time being.
Saphira had also stopped coloring in the picture of Mufasa and Simba. She had tried to get motivated to finish it, but she has not found the motivation to do so yet. She has stuck to writing in her diary more, and Optimus could see exactly what she has been writing. And he was actually starting to feel tugs at his spark. It was becoming clear to him that while Saphira had taken a step forward, she has now taken two steps back. It has ended up distracting him from finding Transit.
Dear Diary,
It has been four days since I last saw Arthur. His words have been plaguing my mind like locusts destroying crops. Knowing that I was nothing more than a pawn for his business, just like I became a pawn to my father, has made me think that is all I am good for. I am not sure how I can move forward without thinking that I will be fooled again. It hurts so much to know that is what my life has been so far.
The only reassurance that I have now is that the autobots may not do the same to me, like what Arthur and my father have done. Despite Optimus being strict and stern, I trust him. I trust him so much more than I have trusted anyone before. I know that I am throwing my trust into someone who was against me being with them from the start. But Optimus has realistic reasons as to why he doesn't trust humans.
But that is not why I trust him. Optimus is carrying a heavy burden. Now that I know more about their past, I have no reason to hate him. Optimus has not once hurt me, not in the same way as other humans have. At first, he did scare me. I used to cower at his voice. But now, I don't think of him as scary. I see him as someone who is trying to protect. He wants to help his family get home. That is why I trust him. He could have killed me all this time, but he's chosen not to.
And now we have an understanding. I hadn't expected him to trust me a lot. I expected him to never trust me, and I would be okay with that. But I guess because I have shown no hatred towards him, only sympathy and, in his words, humbleness, it has been enough for him to trust me more. Plus, I don't want to run. Leaving the autobots feels wrong now, so I stay.
But I am not sure if that is enough. I still just want to disappear. I don't know how much longer I can stand this feeling…I feel so small and insignificant. I hate this feeling. I can only try. I can only try and push forward, even though I have no clue what my life is going to even look like in a year's time.
Saphira sighed as she finished writing in her diary entry. She wiped tears that were rolling down her cheeks and sniffled softly. She has been feeling extremely down, and she didn't know what to really think at the moment. Even though she has been eating, Saphira has stopped asking the autobots to take her to a public shower. This has left her hair to become greasy and brittle.
Optimus had seen what she had written as she closed the diary. He was driving through the city with her laying in the backseat. She was laying on her stomach with the blankets covering her body. "You should not be allowing Arthur's words to dictate your feelings, human. He was nothing more than a coward. He used you, and now he's left you in a state of pain. Do not let him win."
She sniffled and frowned a little. "Easy for you to say, Optimus. My whole life…it hasn't been good. I don't have a good life, and I am not sure what I should do anymore."
"You want to help us. That is what you have said, remember?" She shrugged and covered her head with the blankets. "You should not be looking to the past. You already know this from the movie you watched." Optimus has brought up the Lion King more than once when speaking to her to try and comfort her. Or at least, make her not be upset about it. "You are allowing yourself to wallow in self pity at this time, and it not healthy to do."
She did not respond to him. She just kept her head underneath the blankets as she cried softly into the fabric. She knew the autobots were trying their best to encourage her. She appreciated their efforts, but she honestly did not want to hear it right now. She worried that it would just repeat, and she would be used again for a means to an end. Though at least with the autobots, she would willingly help them. She certainly did not want to allow herself to be controlled by humans ever again.
Optimus did not say anything more to the girl. He knew speaking to her was pointless until she actually made an effort to turn things around in her mind. He was surprised by how quickly she had gone from confidence to fear and sadness in just a short time. They all had seen improvements in her when she wanted to buy the cooker. But ever since Arthur approached her and spoke to her, that has been shattered. And they did not know what more they could do other than to try.
And the fact she was making them distracted from searching for Transit only seemed to make Saphira feel worse. She had noticed they were focusing on her more than they were on finding their enemy, and locating a way to leave this planet. And it made her feel like a burden. Even though their priorities have changed in making sure she was okay, even Optimus's priorities have changed. After all, Transit was still in the city. He has not left, so they still had a chance of finding him. So that was why. And as Optimus has lowered his walls about Saphira, he actually had begun to care about her too.
After all, this girl fell into their responsibility because of Mirage. And Optimus knew he had to care for her. But while before, it was simply out of responsibility, now it has changed to genuine care. Optimus knew that a young mind can easily be broken down, and Saphira was still young. He knew that by human standards, she was considered very young for a human. She wasn't a child, but she has much to learn.
Optimus continued to drive through the city while he thought of some way to try and give some comforting words to the human. "There is a public shower not far from this location. Are you sure it would not help you? Mirage told me that he heard that showers are good for relaxing and getting rid of stress. I am not sure if he is right…so I am not sure if that would interest you."
She could not help but smile slightly as she listened to him. He wasn't wrong, but she just did not want a shower. "Thanks for the offer, Optimus…maybe you should take me back to the factory. I won't mind being left alone while you keep looking for Transit."
"I am reluctant to do that in case you do something." She frowned and tightened the blanket around her head. "I don't mean suspicious actions either, human. I can see what you read in your diary, don't forget that." She sighed deeply as she was indeed well aware of that. "But if you wish to do that, I will allow it. It will give you time to play music by the river again."
She smiled as she was happy that he had decided to take her back to the factory. "That does sound rather tempting to do. Though I think I just need to gather my thoughts. I have been stuck inside this cab for so many hours, I need to stretch my legs as well."
Optimus could not dispute that. Saphira has been within his cab for many hours, especially as she has chosen to avoid Mirage and Bumblebee for the time being. And she didn't want to go with Arcee as the cooler temperature made it a bit too cold for her to want to ride of a bike. Arcee understands, and she has admitted to preferring that for the time being. It allows her to scan for Transit without worrying about Saphira being presented on the bike.
Saphira kept herself curled under the blankets as it felt like the only form of comfort and protection that she could find right now. She wasn't exactly cold, but she was enjoying the warmth and comfort of the blanket around her body. Saphira also did not want to speak to Optimus at the moment as she wanted to be alone. He seemed to know that too since he was silent.
Optimus had considered putting music on in an attempt to lighten the mood for her. But Optimus wasn't really familiar with the music of the human world. He's heard it many times, but he definitely did not pay much attention to the music itself, so he just didn't play anything. Though he could not know if she would even like it. At least he could say that he tried. Saphira had not listened to music since he caught her painting by the river. He did feel a little bad for startling her, even though it was not his intention. He would have waited for her to stop singing, but there was nothing else that he could do right now.
Upon arriving at the factory, Optimus did not know if he should let Saphira stay here alone. He did not know why he felt reluctant to leave her alone. While he did care for her, he did not want to let her be a complete distraction from finding Transit. But he would do what she would ask of him. If she truly needed to be alone, and if that time alone provided a positive moment for her, then he would allow it. He did consider having Mirage or Bumblebee come to the factory, though as long as she kept the tracking device close to her, they would know where she is.
He came to a stop and opened the door. Saphira pulled the blankets off her head, and she stared at the door for a moment. Optimus waited for a minute before he spoke to her. "You need to make a decision, human. I cannot babysit you like this for the rest of the day. We have to keep patrolling the city." She frowned a little and made sure she had her jacket on before she pushed the blankets off and climbed to the front seat. "If you want, I can alert Mirage…"
"No, no, no!" Saphira shook her head as she began to climb down from the freightliner. "I am…going to be okay, Optimus. Uh…" She dropped to the ground and held up the device. "I will keep this with me." She folded her arms as the cool air made her shiver a little. "It's quite windy today, so I think I will be fine. I think when my toes feel like they are going to fall off, I will alert you guys."
"I would hope you would inform us before that would happen." Saphira smirked a little as she knew he did not understand. "However, if that is what you have chosen, I will continue my patrol through the city. Since we seemed to have lost Transit's signal, we are solely relying upon a visual confirmation on his location." She shrugged before she turned and walked away from Optimus towards the river. "Just remember this, human…" She stopped with a slightly irritated groan without turning to look at him. "You are young, and have much to learn. Even I still have a lot to learn. You can't let pain control your actions. In the end, your enemy will win if you do."
Saphira listened to him and looked back at the truck as she appreciated his words. "I will…think about what you have said, Optimus. Thank you." She forced a smile as the truck turned to drive back out of the building to the road.
Saphira sighed as she was relieved that he had gone. She looked back towards the river and walked towards it. The wind was rushing quickly, and she could feel it rushing through her clothes. It made her shiver as she approached the edge overlooking the river. She knew it was connected to the ocean. She could feel the salt from the wind on her skin. She could smell the salty air. The salt even hit her skin hard as the wind carried it through the air.
And yet, as she approached the ledge, she stopped several feet from the very edge. She stared at it while she stood before it with her arms folded. She completely ignored her hair whipping her face. Her mind could only think of what it would be like to jump into the water. The temperature was dropping, but the water temperature would be so much cooler. It would be like ice hitting her body all at once. But the pain would be numbed by the cold.
I could just drift all the problems away. Maybe it won't be so bad. I wouldn't drown, I would simply fall asleep from the cold…the fish would eat my body. At least it would not go to waste.
Saphira stared at the water before glancing back at the factory, half expecting to see one of the autobots standing behind her. Yet, none of them were there. She replayed what Optimus said to her before he left. She did believe what he said to be true. She was letting her pain cloud her mind. But that was all she really knew. Pain. She did not know how to let go of it. Yes, she thought she found the confidence after watching the Lion King, but she realized she was not confident at all.
She felt the tears rolling down her cheeks turn icy. She did not wipe them away as she looked back at the water. She kept her arms folded as she thought more on what it would be like if she was no longer here. She doubted the autobots would grieve for her that much. It seemed foolish to her that she would even think they would. They might a little, but Optimus would instruct them to move on. She was sure that he would.
They don't really need me. I know I said I would help, but I am not sure how good I would be. I mean…I am just one girl. I am not that great. My life has been horrible…and this might be the best thing that has happened to me, but I have no idea how long it would last. Arthur…he opened my eyes to the truth. Maybe Nicholas felt differently, and that's why he's left me alone…but maybe my only purpose is to be used.
She felt her bottom lip tremble as she let out some sobs as she almost wanted to fall to her knees in pain. And yet, she could not feel herself wanting to do it yet. She buried her chin into the collar of her jacket as she sobbed for a few minutes before looking back up at the river. She saw that the sky was darkening slowly. It seemed there was rain, possibly, a light dusting of snow. It wasn't quite winter yet, but it was cold enough.
At least the sky is feeling the same as well. Cold…numb…nothing…but at least the rain is good for something. It feeds the soil…it feels all of us…but I don't. I could feed the fish, and that's it.
Saphira took a few steps towards the edge of the ledge, leaning forward slightly to see how far the drop was. It didn't matter how far it was down. The extremely cold water would quickly take away any pain she would feel. It wasn't fair enough that it would cause pain to the back. But that would depend on how she would let herself fall. If she fell face first, it would sting. But it would quickly fade from the cold taking over and numbing the pain.
It isn't far to fall. Just enough to feel a sting…and then nothing. A wonderful feeling…
She glanced down as she noticed a sharp rock by her foot. She knelt down and picked it up, looking at the tip of the rock as she saw how sharp it could be. It was rough around the edges, and it would not make a clean cut. But it would cut. She rubbed her hand along the edges of the rock and stepped closer to the edge again. She was almost standing right on the edge now. It only took a gust of wind or a shove to make her fall. And she was unlikely to feel scared.
"Stop!" She jumped and turned when she heard the sudden shout. But she quickly relaxed as she saw Bumblebee speeding towards her and transformed. He was looking at her with extreme worry, and holding up his arms, wanting for her to stop. "Please stop this! This is not safe, young lady. Step back from the ledge. Don't let yourself down."
"Don't let myself down?" Saphira chuckled a little. "I mean…I kind of want to." Bumblebee shook his head as he took a few steps closer. She pressed her lips together as the tears fall from her eyes. "Bumblebee, I know…you lost your home. You have a damaged voice box, and you might never return to your world. I am sorry. But I am not sure if you have had to endure pain your whole life like I have. I was given false hope, and I took it like a dog to a bone." She shook her head, wiping the tears from her cheek. "You wouldn't understand."
"Of course, we do!" Bumblebee softened his expression as he crouched in front of her. "Do you really think you are worthless?" Saphira still had no idea how Bumblebee was able to make sentences through the radio, but she doubted she would fully understand. "We don't think you are. You are good."
Saphira sighed deeply as she clenched her eyes shut. "It is just…everything feels…too broken to fix for me." She reopened her eyes, looking up at Bumblebee. "I know…I know I thought I was happy before. I thought the Lion King helped me…but Arthur told me my place."
"And you believe him?" She jumped as she heard Mirage. He was running over to her as he saw her signal was close to the edge of the ledge. "Seriously, Saphira? Come on, young lady!" She frowned and looked at away from him. "You say everything is too broken to fix, you haven't even tried." She tensed and turned her back to him. Mirage sighed softly and walked closer to her. "Maybe we don't know what it is like to grow up with a sire and carrier who treats us badly, and try to get rid of us in the way your parents tried to do to you. But we know what it is like to feel like everything is broken. You already know how Optimus feels."
Saphira did, and she didn't care right now. "But none of this really matters, Mirage. I don't know how you guys do it. You guys seem so much stronger than I am. I mean…of course you are…" She sniffled and forced a smile. "It's not even close. But I have…no one in my life. I don't matter to anyone, Mirage…"
"You matter!" Bumblebee exclaimed as he interrupted the girl.
She shook her head. "You hardly know me. I haven't even told much about myself…but there's not much to say, really…"
"Bumblebee is right, Saphira. You do matter." She turned slightly to look at Mirage in surprise. "You are called Saphira. You grew up in a home that made you feel worthless, and yet you have the spirit to keep fighting. When you lost your job because of two idiots and a bad boss, you stood your ground and gained justice…" She looked down at the water with a frown as she listened to him. "It is clear to me, that when you fall, you know how to stand up." She looked at him in confusion as that is not what she felt. "You have been wounded by the cruelty of this world, but you have not let the world make you cruel. You know what is right, and you will fight for it." She softened her expression as his words hit her like a rock. "You didn't need to see the Lion King to know what your worth is, Saphira. It only nudged you in the direction. You are good, and you most definitely matter."
She stared at him curiously and frowned. "How do you know that?"
Mirage smiled at her kindly, crouching in front of the girl. "Because I see that you are a fighter. I saw it from the start. You might feel like you are small, but strength is not just physical strength, Saphira. You are strong." He gently pokes her chest as gesture to her heart. "You are strong in your heart."
She felt her tears welling in her eyes again as she had not expected anyone to say that to her. And yet, she was still doubtful. "How do I know you aren't just saying that?" Mirage was immediately surprised, and he looked away from frustration. "I…I don't know what to believe anymore…"
"Mirage is right, human." Mirage and Bumblebee were the first to turn their heads as they heard Optimus. They spotted him and Arcee standing nearby as they had witnessed and heard the whole conversation. "Somehow, I knew that I should have not listened to the human, and ensured that one of your three were here with her."
"I am not sure we could have stopped her from getting that close." Arcee walked over to Saphira with a kind expression. "Saphira…" The girl looked up at the femme as the tears roll down her cheeks. "You know that Arthur said all those things to hurt and bring you down further, right?" Saphira shrugged and shuddered with the cold wind blowing against her. "From what I could understand from the conversation she had with him a few days ago, he was not in his right state of mind. Apparently, he had alcohol, right?" Saphira nodded. "What makes you think what he was true? I believe alcohol can make humans act…weird if they drink enough."
"And the drink can also bring out the truth." Saphira sniffled again. "I wasn't going to jump, by the way…I was just wondering to myself what it would feel like. At least it would be painless…and the fish can have a feast of my body."
"Even so, you are not worthless, Saphira. I get you are hurting. You are hurting a lot. I think it has taken us a long time to realize that we aren't the only ones who are hurting. But you don't have support like we have each other." Saphira nodded with a roll of her eyes as she knew that was true. "But you have us now. We might have had a rough start, and you know why. But I think we are growing to like you. I know I am, Bumblebee and Mirage just want to be big brothers to you."
Brothers?! Oh…I'd rather not…
"And because of that, your presence has turned from a simple responsibility. You are becoming part of this small, but tight knit family." Saphira grimaced as the very word was like poison to her. "Hmm, maybe that was the wrong word…but your parents weren't your family. They just gave birth to you. We will accept your help when you give it, Saphira. It was brave of you from the start to want to help us with Transit. It shows you are stronger than you give yourself credit for."
"Maybe…or you're honestly seeing something different…" Saphira sniffled loudly with a shrug. "I just didn't want to be a burden…"
Mirage sighed as he sat on his knees, looking at her sadly. "You were never a burden. Trust me. You never were one."
She didn't know if she should believe Mirage. "Perhaps my word will carry more weight than the others." She looked over to Optimus as he spoke. "Mirage is right. I…I will admit, that how I reacted to your presence might not have been great. But it was merely the need to protect my autobots that I treated you as a threat, human." Saphira looked back at the water, and Optimus stared at her for a few minutes before he spoke again. "You do matter, Saphira…" She jumped and turned, looking at Optimus in surprise. Mirage, Bumblebee and Arcee were also looking at him in surprise. Optimus has finally called her by her name. "I actually have to take a piece out of your book. You aren't cruel, even with everything you have faced. Even from me."
She blinked in surprise and turned her body to face him. "What did you call me?"
Optimus blinked as he thought she would like that, and yet she was confused. "You have earned my respect, Saphira. That is your name…and I guess I should have stopped calling you human a while ago…it became a foolish habit." She was still staring at him in shock as she listened to him. "If you did not matter, I would have had you tossed aside many weeks ago. You have shown a strength that I guess I need to learn too." She still did not believe that, but with Optimus also saying it, it must be true to a point. "I told you before as well. If you allow the pain to rule your judgement, you are going to let those who hurt you win. Are you going to let them win?"
She glanced back at the water for a moment and looked back at him with a shake of her head. "No. I don't want them to win…"
"If you jump, you will forfeit and give them victory. They may suffer for years, but you will be gone. Unable to truly get justice." He softened his expression, and he actually began to smile, making Saphira smile a little. "You underestimate our ability to sympathize with your pain, Saphira. So don't push us away. You want to help us, so I think it is our duty to help you as well. I wouldn't go as far to say we are family, like what Arcee has implied…" Arcee rolled her optics at him in amusement. "However, I do see that you fit in with us. You are starting to. You are strong, and you must fight."
Saphira felt much better. She had wanted to be alone in her dark thoughts. She wanted to let them cloud her judgement. She hadn't expected them to care. She felt her smile widen before she ran over to Optimus. Optimus widened his optics in surprise as he watched her run over to him and he flinched as she hugged his right leg. Her arms weren't long enough to wrap around fully, but it was enough. He had not expected that at all, nor did the other autobots.
She could tell he was feeling awkward, so she took several steps back. "Sorry…but I…I did not know I needed to hear that." He nodded politely and Saphira turned to the other autobots. "Thank you…I was having so many dark thoughts…I just wanted to end it. I never expected you to care to come back. I guess I am lucky."
Mirage grinned before he opened his arms. "And where my hug? Or is Optimus the only one who has earned that right?" She let out a giggle and ran over to him. "Oh, it is so good to hear that laugh and see that smile." She giggled again as he picked her up to hug him against her. "And by the way, if you jumped, I would have followed you. I am not about to let my little human friend die in freezing water. That's just not allowed. Not on my watch."
"Nor on mine!" Bumblebee added in agreement, and Saphira quickly ran over to him to hug. Bee was more than happy to hug her. "Don't make my spark worry like that again. You scared me."
"Sorry." Saphira slid out of his arms and looked at him. "I didn't mean to." She turned to Arcee who was smiling at her. "And thank you as well, Arcee…"
Arcee shook her head and held out her arms. "No need for a hug, Saphira." Saphira raised an eyebrow. "I didn't do much."
"Nonsense!" Mirage waved his hand in amusement as he stood up. "Let the girl hug you, for crying out loud, Arcee. Are you really going to pull the pin on this already? Be nice!"
Saphira was smiling as Arcee agreed and Saphira ran over to hug her. "I didn't want to leave you out of a hug, Arcee. But you did help. Even if it was small, just as you believe."
Arcee chuckled softly as she rubbed the girl's back before letting her go and standing up, placing her hands on her hips. "Now that we got that out of the way, you are freezing. Are you sure you don't want a hot shower? Surely, now that you feel better, you will want one."
Saphira nodded. "Yeah…that would be nice." She turned to Optimus who was still shocked she hugged him. He never expected that. "You can take me, Optimus. You are warmer inside that cab compared to the other two."
Mirage scoffed in amusement. "I guess these good looks of mine is not enough to keep you warm and cozy."
Saphira laughed at Mirage's comment. But both Bumblebee and Mirage were warm when she sat inside the cars, but Saphira thought Optimus was warmer. She guessed because he was larger, so she wanted to go with him. Optimus was more than happy to oblige. He transformed so she could climb back into the truck so he could take her to a public shower to make use of. And Saphira intended to really make use of the showers to scrub her hair. She realized how awful it felt. She was now glad the autobots spoke to her. Arthur's words still stung, but not like they used to. Especially now that the autobots have given her the confidence and encouragement she needed.
Disclaimer: Hey readers, so I am due to start a new job very shortly in the coming days. Because of that, posting new chapters may reduce a little bit. It is why I ended up finishing Heart of a Prime so quickly. I will ensure I get the current stories finished before moving onto any new stories I want to write, including sequels. Thank you for your understanding. Happy reading!