They walked into the hotel suite in the Hamptons. She walked over to the doors leading to the patio and took in the warm spring air and the sound of the ocean. "This is perfect." She leaned against him as she felt his arms wrap around her waist and pull her closer.
He kissed her hair. "Thank you for going away with me."
She turned, "Thank you, for giving us this chance."
"Alexis.."
"Shh…" She cut him off as she let her lips meet his. He responded immediately to her advances as her hands found the waist of his pants. He brought his lips to the nape of her neck. They walked slowly back into the room, leaving a trail of clothing behind them until they finally fell onto the bed. They took their time, let their touch be how they communicated with the other. Their physical connection was unmatched. No matter how difficult things between them were, they were connected.
They lay there, fingers intertwined, letting their heart rates slow after their previous actions. She brought his hand to her lips and kissed his palm before propping herself up on her elbow and staring at him. He pushed her hair behind her ear before adjusting to face her. "You know that I love you." He said quietly.
"I do. And you know that I'll apologize everyday for the rest of our lives if that's what it takes for you to forgive me. To trust me again."
He closed his eyes and sighed, choosing his next words carefully. "I know it was a mistake and I know you would do anything to had made a different choice."
"You do?" She asked hopeful.
He nodded and reached for his boxers pulling them on as he stood. She followed his lead and reached for a robe and pulled it on, tying it closed as she watched him cross the room, gather his scattered clothing and dress. "What I can't seem to wrap my head around is why? Why did you do it, Alexis?" He asked quietly, the hurt in his eyes evident.
She walked closer to him, placing her hand on his shoulder and then quietly whispered, "I've been thinking about that a lot, lately."
He turned to face her again, buttoning his pants. "And?"
"I think it was symptomatic of things that have been unspoken between us for a while now."
"What's that supposed to mean, Alexis?" He said growing defensive at the thought that there was blame coming his way in this conversation.
"I'm not trying to pick a fight. I'm not." She said as he looked at her skeptically. "I'm just trying to have an honest conversation. That is why we're here, isn't it? I think we both know champagne and candles aren't going to magically fix what's broken between us." She said, reaching for his hand and leading him out into the small living area.
"You're right, we're here to figure out where we go from here, so we can both be happy again."
"You aren't happy?" She asked sadly, taking his other hand and stepping closer.
"You have been?" He asked somewhat surprised.
"Sometimes." She replied sadly. "So what do we do?"
"I don't know." Silence settled over the room.
"Ned?" Her eyes met his, "If we didn't have Kristin, would we even be here right now?"
"I'm not sure what you mean?" He asked, searching her eyes.
She took a deep breath, "Would you have just left, said it was over? Be honest."
He inhaled and closed his eyes, letting the weight of her question sit with him. He knew she wasn't completely wrong, she knew him, "Probably," he whispered.
She let a tear fall, "I thought so." She let go of his hands, placed one of hers over his heart before walking towards the doors to the patio to take in the last of the setting sun. She couldn't face him to ask the next question that had been plaguing her mind for weeks. "Is the reason you've avoided this conversation because you've been thinking about divorce?"
He sighed, knowing the truth was the only way to heal their marriage. "Yes."
She froze, hearing his whispered reply. It wasn't surprising, but rather unsteadying to hear said out loud.
He watched her from afar as they both let what was just expressed wash over them. "What are you thinking?"
"I wish I could say I'm surprised." She let the orange sky and the sound of the ocean comfort her, in an attempt to find some peace with what was just expressed. He walked over to her and ran his hands up and down her arms. She turned and wrapped her arms around his neck. They stood there, holding onto each other for what seemed like hours, but in reality it was only a few minutes before she pulled away, wiping the few stray tears that had fallen. "I-, I.."
"What?"
"I think, I-I'm going to go take a shower." She walked away from him, and headed back towards the bathroom. She needed space to process all that had finally been said out loud and she wasn't quite sure she wanted to hear the answer to whether or not he wanted to actually proceed with separation. She stopped at the doorway and watched him before fully retreating to process, second guessing her hope about this trip.
She also knew she needed to confirm what she'd suspected before they could go any further with this conversation. She had been prolonging confirming her emerging symptoms for at least a week now and if she was right they both needed to know before going any further in their conversation. Some of the happiest times they've had lately have been together with their little girl, but she owed it to herself and to him to know one way or another before they made any decisions about their future. She pulled the test out of her bag and set it on the bathroom counter. She had bought it days ago, but was still wrapping her mind around how she felt about having another child in the midst of the mess she had made of her marriage. She had hoped they could take it together, that him wanting to go away was a good sign, now she wasn't so sure.
She decided to shower first, delay what she felt was inevitable for just a few moments longer. Because she knew him and she knew that if the test was positive he'd want to try and make it work and she didn't want a baby to be the reason he stayed. Regardless, she knew they needed answers. Steam filled the room and she let the hot water hit her face. Processing the day. The road that lay before them wasn't quite as clear as it had felt just a few hours ago.
He sat on the chair in the corner of the room and sank his head into his hands. Today had not gone as he had hoped. But, maybe, just maybe the rawness of what they finally expressed was what they needed to truly move forward. She hadn't been wrong. His first inclination was to end it all. He had always thought that if their marriage was going to end because of another it would be on his part. Her indiscretion had gutted him. However, he had made a choice to do this differently. He needed to change if his marriage had even a chance of survival and he thought their family was worth fighting for even if he hadn't shown that to her over the past few weeks.
She stood in the bathroom and stared at the test in her hands. It wasn't what she had expected, but no matter what the test said she wasn't sure it would have been what she had wanted. She let her land linger over her stomach before finally getting dressed. She was going to have to emerge from the bathroom eventually. She took a deep breath and went back out into the living area. She saw him, asleep in the overstuffed chair and smiled slightly. He always looked so peaceful when he slept. She walked over to him and took the blanket off the sofa and covered him. He stirred slightly and she decided to let him be and go for a walk on the beach. The sun had finally set and it would be empty and she wasn't quite sure she was ready to continue sorting out where they should go from here.
He awoke a few moments later and checked his watch. It had been over an hour since she had retreated to the bathroom and he was growing concerned. He stood up and went into the bedroom. "Alexis?" He wasn't sure what to think when there was no response. He walked the entire suite and looked for a note. Puzzled. And then on his second sweep of the bedroom he saw the open box sitting there on the ground by the trash can. He swallowed, not sure what to think, but feeling this sudden surge of hope. He knew then where she went. He knew her. He proceeded outside and scanned the shoreline. He spotted her instantly. Jeans and the white cashmere sweater standing in the sand staring at the moon. God, was she beautiful, he thought. He walked down the staircase that led onto the beach and quietly approached her. "It's peaceful here."
She nodded as she stood there, twisting the diamond and matching band around her finger. She turned her head towards him. Asking only one question, the one thing that was left unanswered and had been driving her slowly insane for weeks. "So, do you, do you want a divorce?" She turned back towards the ocean, not wanting to face him. He hesitated to answer, she noticed. "Say something." She said urgently turning back around.
"Alexis….I want you. I want our life together. I don't want to divorce. I wouldn't be here right now if I did. Why do you?"
"No." She said emphatically. "I want to be us again. I want to trust that we can break our pattern. It's like we're stuck in this maze and just when we think we're about to escape we realize we haven't untangled any of it."
"We can." He tried to assure her. "I'm not going anywhere."
"But you did. You left. This wasn't just any fight. This was you, not fighting. Not fighting for us and it hurts." She let the tears she had been holding in, fall freely as he placed his hand on the small of her back. "It hurts, ok?"
It was then that he realized that he wasn't the only injured party and that his choices had also contributed to where they stood now. "I didn't realize what these last few weeks did to you. I'm sorry." He said pulling her into his arms and apologizing again into her hair. "I'm so sorry." She stepped back and he wiped the few stray tears from cheek.
"I just want my husband back," she whispered. He urgently pulled her closer again and engulfed her lips with his. She responded and wrapped her arms around his neck. They paused as she stepped back and cupped his face in her hands.
"You ok?" He asked, watching her carefully as she moved her hands to the top of his chest.
"Just a lot to process." He pulled her against him and kissed the top of her forehead.
"Alexis, I saw the test back in the room."
"You did?"
He nodded "This is big news."
"I came out here to try and figure out how to tell you about it." She said quietly, averting his gaze, and turning back towards the ocean. He brought his hand to her shoulder. "I thought we'd take it together, but earlier..I just, I didn't know how to feel or what we were going to decide and I just needed to know." She turned back to him, "I didn't mean for you to find out this way, you deserved to hear it from me."
"What did it say?"
She looked at him sympathetically. "Ned, the test was negative. I'm not pregnant."
He pulled her into his arms. She gratefully clung to him. "Are you relieved or disappointed?"
"No matter what it said, I don't think it's what I would have wanted. What about you? Are you relieved or disappointed?" She asked, stepping back from the embrace and bringing her palm to his cheek.
He sighed, and they exchanged a knowing glance and she leaned against him. They stood there for a moment before she spoke again. "So, what now?"
"I'm not sure, but whatever comes next we're going to tackle it together."