While Touch was on his training arc, probably farming for better gear or something, the rest of us were sabotaging other contestants by PKing them a few levels and setting them back days of progress because they have to level up to 100 again.
Of course, nobody wanted to touch the current World Champion of Alfheim right now, CocaineKuma. He had won his title mostly by the fact that the previous world champion had left the game without telling anyone, and considering he was the #2 best player in the game, nobody really wanted to challenge him in the tournament.
Well, it was a surprise when he didn't show up, and because nobody competent showed up to an obviously losing fight, CocaineKuma had shown up to win the whole thing.
Yes, he was a drug addict addicted to cheap cocaine. Apparently, he's actually better at the game while on cocaine. Which is why he calls himself cocaine bear, because he's a bear on cocaine.
It wasn't very funny, but hey, that's his name.
Apparently, the old Alfheim champion suddenly quit the game for unknown reason, but the current theory was that he died. Not a surprise given the status of the outside world, but still a bit sad to hear.
Among the 9 World Champions, CocaineKuma is the 8th strongest of them. She knows that Triumvirate have the #1, #4, and #5, while various other guilds have the other spots. And the World Champion in Nioavellir is currently the weakest one.
Anyways, not that important, the point is, he's low hanging fruit compared to the other World Champions, which is why Touch thinks he can take away his world champion title.
And Touch was obviously way better than some guy on cocaine all day. The problem was, everyone also thought that as well, making this particular tournament the most participated one in Yggdrasil history.
Which is why it'll be super hype when Touch ends up winning it all.
At least, in their dreams, anyway. Touch hasn't even finished in one semi-finals yet, let alone the grand finals. The furthest he's gone was a few months ago when he got to quarter finals where he got his ass kicked by Principality who was defending his Midgard title.
But she wasn't about to tell one of her friends that they had no shot at winning, so she just stayed quiet and didn't tell him that.
But anyways, today, most of her guild was offline, so she was just chatting it up with Orphea, who was, once again, complaining to her about Triumvirate.
"I swear, they keep talking about me as if the only worth I had to them was the fact that I'm a girl! Can't they see me literally out DPSing one of the world champions!? Principality is the only good person in that guild, and I swear I would've already left if it wasn't for him!" Orphea ranted about the same thing for the 25th time.
Well, that sure does suck, but she's heard this exact same conversation like, 24 times already.
Also, Triumvirate is very stingy on who gets their NPC levels, because apparently they can't afford the extra NPC levels, which is about $200 for every 100 added levels, and Orphea really wanted to make a lot of NPCs but the trio wouldn't allow her.
Well, Principality wanted to let her, but the other 2, Crackaslama and EmpireOfWar, the World Champions of Midgard, Asgard, and Muspellheim respectively.
Principality and Crackaslama are both human players, while EmpireOfWar is an angel.
Speaking of angels, why the hell are angels so popular? They're basically uglier humans with wings!
How did Seraphim become one of the top 10 guilds with ugly avatars like that?
At least, Yggdrasil did allow for player angels to be more like the summoned angels, and those guys were cool.
But not 90% of the angel population who were just light humans!
Anyways, back to Orphea, she brought up another old joke, "I swear, you have a crush on Principality or something to stay in Triumvirate for so long."
Orphea hit her face, again, and dealt way too much damage to be comfortable with it, "I don't! Shut up! It's just that my standards from being in Triumvirate for so long are so low that Principality, who's basically just an average nice guy, is actually great to talk with!"
Yeah, she made a bet with herself that Orphea is going to somehow be dating Principality in the future.
Ignoring Orphea, she just asked her another question, "By the way, are you going to be participating in the next World Tournament?"
Orphea gracefully let go of her shipping statement and moved on, "Nah, I'm good at PvP, but I don't think my build, which is basically a glass cannon, would work that well in those tournaments."
Yeah, that's fair. Some of those fights last for like, 5 minutes at a time because both players brought out basically every trick in the book to boost their survivability.
Essentially, the opposite situation Orphea wanted to be in.
"Mhm, fair enough. By the way, I just realized I never asked about this, but why's your name Orphea Scarlet? It sounds super edgy." She said.
Orphea blushed, "I was in my goth phase, and I was looking around for goth characters to imitate and decided that I wanted to be an orphan who loves the color red."
Aha, idiot. Good thing she never had a goth phase.
She giggled, "Yeah, that tracks. Don't worry about it, I know a guy who hasn't grown up from his edgy phase either."
Orphea sighed and tried to change the conversation, "Yay for me, I'm not alone. By the way, what were the requirements to become a member of your guild?"
Oh? That's certainly interesting to hear. AOG could use another DPS on the caliber of Orphea…
But alas, she's human, after all. Unless if she wants to kill herself to level 0 and get her character deleted, she'll remain ineligible to join.
But she'll break the news to her anyways, "You can't join. Our first rule is that you need to be a heteromorph, and you're not. Our second rule is that you need to be a working adult and- wait, how old are you anyways?"
That's crazy, she's known this girl for 2 years and she doesn't even know her age?
Well, the same goes for most of her guildmates, but Orphea does sound especially young.
Orphea frowned, "17. Darn, that sucks. You sure your guild can't make exceptions?"
What the- She befriended a 15 year old? The heck? That's weird. And look at this idiot revealing her age online! There are entire departments in some companies dedicated to not letting stupid people like her do that!
Though, she's pretty sure they're about to hit 40 members, since BigStall and Flatfoot knew 2 guys who wanted to join. Some bread knight and a naga spear tank or whoever they are and whatever build they were rocking.
And having 41 members is… well, maybe it'll grow on her, but 40 is just a nicer number.
Anyways, she continued the conversation, "Huh, an exception? I don't think that'll pass, unless if you have something like a world item to buy your way in."
Orphea looked a bit thoughtful, saying, "Alright, so it's possible, you say… Alright, I'll wait a year before asking again."
Oh, well, that's certainly something to look out for… Definitely going to add that to her calendar.
Suddenly, she received a message from Touch. The speaking kind instead of the texting kind, apparently.
Accepting the message, she hears Touch's voice, "Hey, Vaggy. Can you come to my location so you can scout something out for me really quickly?"
Ah, yes, the great Vagisilious, the group telescope.
Well, it's not like she didn't sign up for this job, so she replied, "Yeah I can do that. Mind if I bring a friend along so I can continue the conversation?"
Touch gave an affirmative, so she cut the message and told Orphea, "I got something I need to do, but it's a quick thing. Wanna meet the guy I was telling you about wanting to win one of those tournaments?"
Orphea shrugged, "Eh, why not. I have time."
Nodding, she quickly checked Touch's location and saw him in Niflheim, so she gated both her and Orphea to the neutral hub, used the portal to Niflheim, and gated straight to Touch's location.
Touch waves upon seeing her, and then paused on seeing Orphea.
"Say, didn't you say something to the effect of all human players sucking?" Touch questioned, causing Orphea to stare at her.
She shrugged it off, "She's the exception."
Orphea seemed happy about the praise.
Touch took it at face value before asking, "Sure, but anyways, can you quickly check this cave with [Hermod's Insight] really quickly? I saw a golem knight boss inside, and I want to know if it's worth fighting or not."
So, [Hermod's Insight] is a super-tier spell that basically allows her to know some of the hidden objectives something has. Kind of like a peek into the coding.
It's a once per day spell, but it's not like we're doing anything today, so she was fine using it now.
Firing up the spell that needed a full minute and a half to charge up, she continued talking with Orphea, "So, you're kind of interested in joining, right? And then you made a cryptic statement on waiting when you were 18 to ask this question again. Do you want to elaborate?"
"I just thought about it and it's not going to happen for a while, so no, I don't want to elaborate," Orphea replied.
Ah, darn. She hates waiting for plot points like these! She really wants to know what this baby is cooking up in her head!
"Well, I'll eagerly await the time when your plans come to fruition, then." She said, then her spell activated, so now she could check the mechanics on the boss.
There was all the simple stuff like its level, health, and armor, and there was some of the more interesting stuff like this boss scaling starting from 1 person.
But the most interesting thing was that if this boss was able to be soloed, it would drop the world item [Billion Blades].
She had to try very hard to keep in her shriek of excitement, mostly to keep her composed image in front of Orphea.
Relaying the find to Touch and Orphea, she could see Touch mentally deciding whether or not Orphea needed to die so he could claim the WI first.
But Orphea spoke first, "I don't think Triumvirate really needs another world item, we have like 7 already. You can take this one, if you can, obviously. If not, I wanna try soloing it myself."
Touch agreed with Orphea's sentiments, "Yeah, no way Triumvirate needs any more world items. Alright, do you think buffs from you still count as me soloing it?"
She actually looked into this before, and apparently the answer is 'yes.'
So, she didn't say a word as she gave Touch all of the buffs she could give him, then she said, "Good luck."
"Thank you! I'll see you when I win this fight!" Touch said before immediately running inside the cave.
She looked at Orphea, "Want to watch him die?"
Orphea nods, smirking, "Hell yeah."
Touch won that fight very handedly. It was kind of unfair to call it a fight, since the golem knight couldn't touch Touch at all for most of the fight because he was too good at dodging attacks.
So, [Billion Blades] was added to their repertoire, which now makes them the proud owner of 4 world items.
Apparently, it's just a really strong weapon that has the ability to shapeshift into other weapon types so its owner can use any melee weapon they want.
Also, it makes all attacks happen up to 2-5 times.
Kind of boring, but also undeniably strong.
Orphea was pretty impressed with Touch's fighting skills as they were watching him solo the boss, as she said, "Dang, he's good. I think he has a clear shot of winning the tournament."
She still had 0 faith in Touch, though, saying, "There's a bunch of better players than Touch, though. He'd have to get some insane luck in the tournament placings to avoid all of those players and come out on top."
Orphea shook her head, "Nah, I think he'd win. His full name is 'Touch Me If You Can', right? It'd be super hype and funny if he won and everyone would have to say 'Touch Me' any time they mention the world champions."
She conceded that point.
It would be funny.
On the first day of the Alfheim World Tournament, Touch had met an old friend.
Well, it'd be a stretch to call him a friend, really, considering how they had quickly stopped being friends after one too many times he had overruled the rest of the clan to do something he wanted.
Saibandoke walked straight towards him, grinning, "Well, well, well! If it isn't one of my old friends! Touch! How's it going? I hear you're not even leading the guild anymore! Looks like someone finally managed to get the stick out of your ass."
Some of Saibandoke's guildmates laughed at the lame joke to hype him up.
Saibandoke, after leaving Nine's Own Goal, started a youtube channel dedicated solely to pranking people in games like Yggdrasil. Then, he created a new clan for that purpose, which is what Saibandoke originally wanted Nine's Own Goal to be, before it eventually settled into the tryhard PvP aspect.
What was the name of that guild again? Ah, right, the Clown House.
Perfectly fits Saibandoke's jester roleplaying armor, that damn idiot and his shitty naming abilities. Some things just don't change, considering he originally wanted the clan to be named Heteromorph United.
Touch shrugged at the insult, not feeling very responsive today, "Well, I was the one who originally gave Momonga that leadership role because I knew everyone liked him. Nothing much to it. How's your channel doing, by the way?"
Of course, he knew how it was doing. Some few ten-thousand subscribers, quite nice for him.
But Saibandoke was always an overachiever with his dumb stunts that would leave even Luci*Fer asking him to calm down. Saibandoke wanted to gain the adoration of millions, something that he thought was impossible but Saibandoke thought perfectly reasonable.
Saibandoke snarled as Touch wasn't as defensive as he thought he'd be, "Yeah yeah, it's doing fine! How about you, still larping as a defender of justice and ignoring all of the crimes your bosses are paying you to ignore?"
…He wasn't corrupt. Not like all those other officers! They were purely in it for the money! He was in it to preserve the stability of society!
At least, that's what he told himself when he told Saibandoke, "I am a defender of justice, though it's unsurprising that some clown like yourself would never understand the meaning of justice."
Saibandoke and the rest of his appearing guild laughed, "Yeah! Right! What was the expression? Justice is blind? You're the greatest proof of that expression because you're so delusional!"
Touch growled back, unwilling to back down, "Wah! Wah! Wah! You gonna keep crying? Why don't you back up literally anything you say with a duel?"
Saibandoke snorted, "Hah! No thanks! Only idiots would pick a fight, which makes sense that you'd try to resort to fighting, considering how much of an idiot you are."
Realizing Saibandoke was just going to keep playing him like this, he tried to get his composure back as he tried to do some breathing exercises to keep his breath steady.
[The Alfheim World Tournament Qualifiers Will Start in 10 minutes! All Tournament fighters, please enter the arena for qualification now.]
The loud notification sound marked the end of the conversation as Saibandoke said before leaving, "Welp, I've gotta get to the stands to watch my friends fight. Give my most sincerest condolences to your wife, eh? I can't imagine having to live with you for the rest of my life!"
Touch didn't say a word as he marched over to the arena proper.
Oh, he'll show him. One day, karma will vindicate him…
Vagisilious looked down at Touch, who was standing very broodily down in the arena, as she mentioned to Punitto who was sitting next to her, "Doesn't Touch look a bit moody? I bet he got into a bad conversation or something just now."
Punitto spotted Touch and he made the same conclusion as he sighed, "God damn it, if he can't get his head in the game, it's basically over for him. We may as well pack up now."
She gasped, "But we spent so much time making these banners and cosmetic gear with the slogan 'Touch Him If You Can!' on it! We can't just leave now!"
Literally every single member of Ainz Ooal Gown was decked out in Touch Me merchandise! They can't just leave before the match even starts! This was supposed to be their big moment!
And this was meant to be a surprise, literally days of work into making sure Touch wouldn't see this coming! And she had to argue with Ulbert for like 20 minutes to get him to wear this!
All that work can't go to waste!
Punitto just shrugged, sending a dissatisfied emoji, "Face the facts, Vaggy, we may as well just save this for next month. I don't think Touch is in the right headspace to win this all."
"Next month is Midgard! Touch has no chance against Principality!" She protested the thought.
Punitto conceded, "Fine, fine. I wasn't being that serious anyways. I still think it's likely he's going to lose though."
Well, yeah! But she wasn't going to say it outloud now! What if Touch magically breaks the anti-sound barrier of the arena and hears them being all defeatist? Then that would…
…Hm, is Touch a shonen protagonist? Maybe that'd be the thing that leads him to winning.
So, she threw her hands up in the air and said, "Welp! There's nothing else we can do for him now!"
The Free-For-All had started, trying to whittle down the 893 players down into 256 for the 2nd day of the tournament where they'd whittle them down to 16 players for the finals on the 3rd day.
Touch immediately avoids the barrage of initial magic spells going straight at him through muscle memory as he starts to observe his surroundings.
The spell casters were all being targeted down by other opportunists, so they were nothing to worry about, and CocaineKuma was beating the hell out of the idiots who thought they could stand a chance against the drug-addled bear.
He takes notice of all of the better players in the crowd, and makes a decision. He needs to get the good players out of the way so the 2nd and 3rd day will go smoothly.
Launching towards the top #245, he starts the fight off using a 10th tier skill to demolish a large chunk of his Hp, catching him by surprise.
He tries to fight back, but another opportunist stabs him in the back, causing him to die.
Touch jumped back and started to defend himself from the opportunists. But they weren't good at the game, so they died fairly quickly.
Using the moment of rest, he pops one of the smaller health potions that can recharge in just a minute.
Now, he had to chase the hiders…
"Oh wow, Touch is performing pretty well right now." Vagisilious offhandedly remarked, chewing on digital food for the roleplaying bit.
"Yeah! Touch him if you can!" Peroroncino shouted out in support, tossing up his banner with the slogan.
Ankoro Mocchi Mocchi was a bit more low-key in waving her small flag, "You know what this tournament really needs? An announcer. You think they're hiring?"
BigStall chuckled, "Psh, and waste money on something nobody is going to pay attention to because of conversations like these?"
Vagisilious expressed her own opinion, "I think if they get a cute girl as the announcer, people will pay attention."
Pannonishi, one of the 2 new members that rounded out Ainz Ooal Gown to 40 members, playing as a sentient bread race, and is also a dark knight, commented, "Yggdrasil doesn't have girls playing though."
Protests immediately sprung up from the women of Ainz Ooal Gown.
"Sorry, my bad. I meant to say Yggdrasil doesn't have cute girls playing it."
The protests unsurprisingly became louder.
As the 1st day of the tournament ended, Touch had gone to meet up with the rest of Ainz Ooal Gown to talk about his results of finishing in the top 256.
"Congrats on winning day 1, Touch!" Basically half the guild had shouted out when he came in sight, still wearing their goofy gear.
Touch had laughed when he saw them, "Pfft, when did you guys get those? And can I get one of those?"
Vagisilious immediately procured one for him, as he switched into the shirt that had the slogan "Touch Me If You Can!" on it.
It was much more detailed than the cheaply printed "Touch Him If You Can!" Shirt that the others were wearing, so it was probably made specifically for him.
Still, it's a bit tacky…
"I made those a while ago. Now that we're all caught up, we gotta gank some people wearing this!" Amanomahitotsu said in his oversized shirt carrying his comically sized banner with the same slogan.
Ulbert immediately shot it down, "If you make me wear this while killing people, I will kill you first."
Touch also agreed with the sentiment, "I will never be able to look my wife in the face again if you make me wear this for an extended period of time."
"Geeze, I sometimes forget you're actually married. Don't you have kids or something?" Vagisilious mentioned, using one of her paid shocked emotes from the cash shop to inaccurately express her shock.
"Yeah, don't make your kids feel sad that their dad is hanging out with us instead of them!" Peroroncino had said, though almost certainly not from experience.
Touch raised both his hands in surrender, "Yeah, yeah, I know. But it's past my daughter's bedtime, so she should be asleep right now anyways."
"...Touch, it's 10 PM." Momonga had said, sounding slightly weirded out, likely because he probably gets to sleep super late at night.
"My Daughter is 3."
"Ah."
Then, the worst noise in the world had come up from behind the group, "Oh! Hey Touch! This that Ainz Ooal Gown you guys rebranded into?"
Saibandoke had come along with more of his guildmates this time, one of their human players seeming very upset.
Touch groaned, "Ugh, hello Saibandoke, did you need something or are you here just to gloat?"
Saibandoke shook his head, "Nah, I just wanted to tell you all that you're all sweaty no life losers."
Ulbert retaliated without pause, "Oh of course! Didn't you leave because you're too much of a pussy to properly commit to anything in your sad, pathetic life? Your only joy in life is from the misery of others, and that's way sadder than anything we've done!"
Touch had something to say about Ulbert commenting on sad, pathetic lives, but seeing as they were currently on the same side, he kept his mouth shut.
Vagisilious continued Ulbert's argument, "Yeah, I've watched some of those 'prank' videos you made, and they're all garbage. How can you take pride in something of that caliber of just trash? The others tell me you're a perfectionist, but from what I've been watching, I'm just glad you're a great spokesperson for the disabled community with how fucking stupid you are."
'…Isn't that a little insultive to the disabled community?' Some members of Ainz Ooal Gown thought, but didn't speak up.
One of Saibandoke's guildmates attempted to play defense for him, as they argued, "Hey! You guys have literally 0 clue about what you're talking about!"
"I know enough, you suck." Nubo chipped in from the side.
Saibandoke loudly coughed, "If we're done acting like CHILDREN over here, we've got more important things to do with our lives. Enjoy the win, Touch! Cause you'll lose just like literally every other tournament you've been to. Toodle-oo!"
As he and his guild left, Shizyuutensuzaku got the last childish jab in by shouting out, "I hope your air filter stops working!"
Otanabetabeki, the big tanuki tank, looked at him a bit oddly, "Isn't that a bit mean?"
"Nah, he deserves it. I hate guys like those."
"We are guys like those, though."
"Nah, we're us."
The guild laughed at Shizyuutensuzaku's one-liner, as Vagisilious added, "You're so right."
"So, was he the reason why you were looking so gloomy, Touch?" Yamaiko asked.
Touch nodded, "Yeah, he came up to me before the round started and started to insult me. I'm fine, though."
"Are you sure?" Momonga asked, sounding a bit concerned, "You've never liked it when Saibandoke came up in conversations."
Touch sounded insulted, "Who am I? A baby? I'm mature enough to let it go, unlike that piece of shit."
"I mean, when you say it like that, it doesn't really sound like you have it handled." Herohero chipped in from the side.
Touch just sighed, "Well, look, I'll have to go to bed early tonight so I can make sure I'm fully prepared for the 2nd day, so if nobody has anything important to say, I'll be going, alright?"
Vagisilious raised her hand, "How do you respond to the allegations of Saibandoke being your ex?"
10 seconds later, Vagisilious was getting beaten down by Touch in a duel.
Most of the guild had ended up calling it a night after Touch had left, which left only Vagisilious, because she's a no-life, and BigStall, because his workload was basically empty after he finished creating the dungeons that the other team wanted him to do, so the next best thing for his salary was just to act as a GM for a while to pretend he was working.
"Hm, we don't have a propaganda department in Nazarick, do we?" BigStall brought up while just waiting around in his GM gear for work to pop up, staring at monitors displaying data Vagisilious didn't really understand, "You're a propagandist, aren't you? I thought that'd be the first thing you'd make."
Vagisilious shrugged as she offhandedly said, "I didn't really have any good ideas for a propaganda department," She paused for a moment, before amending, "Well, except for that I would lead it."
BigStall hummed, "Well, you sometimes talk about roleplaying as if Nazarick would one day travel to another world, right? You might as well make a propaganda department. Nazarick could probably use one for whatever nefarious reasons our NPCs would use it for."
Well, she did bring up the topic of Nazarick going to another world, but aside from a few interesting conversations like who would lead Nazarick in that scenario, it didn't really lead anywhere.
Somewhat disappointing for her, but oh well.
Vagisilious shrugged her shoulders, "I should, but I don't have any good ideas. Do you?"
BigStall shook his head, "Nah, not really. Other than maybe you can make it all out of doppelgangers and homunculi, so you can blend into human society real well."
Hm, that is a good idea… But doppelganger models are kind of boring to play with. She could go the route that Nishikienrai did with Narberal, and just make a 2nd model that acts as her main model, but that didn't really strike her fancy.
So, she replied, "Yeah, sure, but I'm just not feeling it, I might just dump the propaganda work onto somebody else and see what they cook up."
For some reason, BigStall felt personally insulted, "What?! The propagandist not creating the propaganda NPCs?! You're crazy!"
She nods, "Unless if there's a really funny quirk I could put in an NPC that revitalizes my spirit to create a new NPC, I think all my creative juices for new NPCs are depleted."
BigStall racked his brain for an idea, before immediately coming to a conclusion, "What if you make the most horrendously down bad NPC for Demiurge, and make her as ugly as possible?"
Vagisilious thought about it for a moment, before shaking her head, "Eh, I could just add to Tokino's bio that she ships Demiurge and- Who was it again? Neuronist?"
BigStall snorted, "Oof. Well, then, you might as well make a propagandist who has no idea how to do propaganda, but everyone thinks they know how to propaganda."
A propagandist that doesn't know how to do their job, but everyone thinks they can do it?
"Maybe…" Vagisilious considered for a moment before saying, "Okay, you know what, you have me hooked on that idea. What do I name the NPC, though?"
"That. Is not my problem."
BigStall left the game.
"What- You crook!" Vagisilious indignantly shouted at the empty space BigStall left.
Stupid Pokemon lover, she hopes the next game in the series sucks balls! Just like it has been for the past 100 years!
She just sighed, and teleported over to where Tokino and Leviathan were standing on the 4th floor, deciding to just stare at them while thinking of other stuff.
…They'd look cute together. What would a Tokino and Leviathan ship name be? Levino?
Pfft, Levino. Tokiathan.
She giggled at the thought. No doubt if the NPCs were sentient at this moment, they'd be super confused.
Wait, are they sentient? Can they already hear her?
"Hey, Leviathan, Tokino, if you can hear me and I'm here on the day you can speak back, just mention the code word… Eh, I like Levino more. Tell me the code word 'Levino'." Vagisilious said before going silent once more.
The NPCs did not move. So Vagisilious forgot about it.
Hm, when would they get together, though? Probably after an invasion, but nobody has actually found Nazarick yet because it's in a corner of the map that nobody has any reason to go to.
Well, she'll shelve the idea for later.
Maybe she should just plagiarize a name for her fake propagandist. Or maybe take a random word from another language again and just run with it…
Hm, well, she could save that until after Touch is done with this month's tournament arc. It'd be a shame if she couldn't stay awake to witness Touch's fights.
So, waving goodbye to her NPCs, she logged out of the game.
The 2nd day of the tournament consisted of 4 player free for alls until they could get down to their final 16 for the finals. So it was 2 rounds for every player.
The first round that Touch had was against a bad mage player who somehow managed to survive the first day, a pretty decent player that scored a couple of kills, and a hider that managed to survive the culling.
Basically, Touch could not have gotten luckier on his seeding.
As the match started, Touch and the other good player in that ring instantaneously formed a pact to get the trash players out of the game first. Which was comically easy in how they died.
Then they started to fight and pop off all of their burst skills in order to win as quickly as possible. But Touch clearly invested more into his agility than the other guy, because he was able to dodge more attacks, which allowed Touch to get the victory in the first round.
After he was done, Ainz Ooal Gown congratulated him on his victory as usual before his next match started.
"Oh, hey, isn't that the Yggdrasil Times guild over there?" Bukubukuchagama pointed out in the midst of their conversation, pointing to somewhere not far from where they were seated.
Yggdrasil Times was a guild that was solely dedicated to making newspapers detailing the exploits of players around Yggdrasil. Similar to how The Cartographers were dedicated to making maps of Yggdrasil.
Vagisilious, personally, was a massive fan of the guild filled with "journalists" and propagandists. She's even done some small RP articles for them, which were all put in like the middle of the Newspapers where nobody actually read them.
It was just 2000 gold a week to get their newspapers mailed to your person, and considering Yggdrasil deals with millions, it was basically dirt cheap.
It's fun reading about all the other stories that happen in Yggdrasil, their coverage over the 9 worlds is massive, so there's rarely a big story happening without them covering it.
She herself is eagerly awaiting for Novlet72 to log in again and continue the saga of saying cryptic shit that foreshadows the next expansion or update.
Anyways, it looked as if the Times members were currently just interviewing spectators. And they were moving away from them.
"Aw, they're going that way! Come here!" Peroroncino whined, trying to get their attention.
"Eh? You actually read their junk?" Ulbert curiously asked, probably because he was near-illiterate, in her own humble opinion.
"Well, yeah, it's a good read!" Pero defended.
Ulbert didn't feel a strong need to question it, though, "Yeah, I'll take your word for it."
A loud horn signaled the start of the next fight.
A loud trumpet signaled the end of that fight.
"Huh? That was fast!" Momonga pointed out as he looked towards the arena, before sounding extremely less surprised, "Oh, that was just Kuma rolling through. Nevermind."
"You think you have it, Touch?" Flatfoot asked, pointing to CocaineKuma, "Guy seems pretty strong."
"Of course." Touch confidently nodded, "This is my moment."
Wasewaru Kakyoku, a siren bard, cheered, "Woo! We love epic one-liners! I'll be sure to make a song for you.
Bukubukuchagama pointed out, "You can't sing that well, though."
Wasewaru sent a weak tier 1 damaging spell towards Bukubukuchagama, "In my heart I can sing! That's good enough!"
Bakuita, a chimera consisting of a wolf, fox, elephant, gorilla, and chimpanzee, all extinct animals, laughed, "Haha! I've heard you sing, my guy, It's not working out for you."
Vagisilious hummed, "Yeah, Wasewaru, you're sort of the equivalent of a trashy new singer that'll die out in like 2 weeks when people realize what trash you produce."
"Hello?! Is this Wasewaru Kakyoku bullying hour?!" He indignantly cried out.
Touch laughed, "Haha! Knock it off guys, how are you gonna cheer for me if you're booing someone that's not even fighting?"
They ended up chatting for a while longer before Touch had to leave for his last match.
Fortunately, he wasn't paired with the bear, but he was still going against 3 good players.
Touch chose to be aggressive in the fight, immediately going for what looked to be the weakest of them while the other two ended up in a 1v1.
Still, they were both good at the game, so the fight ended up lasting a while, and Touch's opponent died first, with Touch at around a fifth of his health left.
Fortunately, the other two were still fighting, so he was able to intervene at the most opportune moment and ended up cleaning house.
"Woo!" Touch had cried out as he ran towards the guild, "3rd day, baby!"
"Yeah! This is how you discover you're going up against crack bear himself in the first round!" Ulbert said, discouraging him to try and keep his spot as the top DPS.
Touch just laughed it off, "Haha! Yeah, with my luck that'd probably happen!"
"Say, aren't the Yggdrasil Times supposed to interview the top 16?" Yoipesuto asked, looking for the journalist guild, "Where are they?"
"Literally right behind us," BigStall pointed above them on the seating behind us.
They saw one of them…
"Oh those bastards are interviewing Saibandoke?!" Touch angrily shouted as he immediately marched over to their location.
"What the- Don't start a fight here you moron!" Punitto shouted as he chased after him, the rest of the guild following.
Saibandoke was in the middle of saying, "Yep, the worst man I know-"
And then he was loudly interrupted by Touch, "What are you saying about me, huh?!"
Saibandoke calmly raised his hands, smirking, "Well, my guildmates got their asses kicked by the bear, so the next best thing is to just spread some slander around."
Touch and Saibandoke started to argue again, meanwhile Vagisilious went to the interviewer and asked, "How much to keep Saibandoke out of the article?"
The interviewer shook his head, "Nah, too interesting."
Well, at least she tried.
So, she just shouted, "Knock it off! BigStall, kick Saibandoke if he keeps being a general nuisance."
"You know I can't just kick people for no reason, right?"
"Hate speech."
"Hm, that might work."
Saibandoke scoffed at the conversation, "Of course you have a personal GM in your guild." He turned around to leave, "Anyways, can't wait to see your ass get kicked, Touch, see ya!"
Touch groaned as he left, seemingly tired, "God, is that guy going to keep appearing like a way too clingy rival?"
"You'd think after almost 2 years now, everyone would have moved on, you know." Yamaiko said, patting Touch on the pack.
Ulbert laughed as if Yamaiko had just told a great joke, "That guy is too much of a whiny bitch to get over anything!"
Vagisilious looked at Ulbert, "Yeah, and who's 'that guy' exactly?"
"Sorry, I meant to say 'Those Guys'"
"Ulbert, do you want to fight me right now?" Touch threatened, sending out a duel request.
"Oh, you're on!" Ulbert immediately accepted.
As the two began to fight, the interviewer quietly asked the nearest member, Momonga, "Uh, does this happen often?"
Momonga nodded, "Yeah, it does. You might be lucky enough to get a few words off of Touch, but…" Momonga quickly assessed the ongoing duel. Touch was probably going to win, so he said, "Well, he'll probably just log off straight away after winning. He's kind of petty like that"
The interviewer blinked.
"Don't take it personally, we're just weird like that." Vagisilious chipped in from the side, which did not assure him at all.
The Yggdrasil Times
ALFHEIM WORLD TOURNAMENT CONTESTANT #3:
TOUCH HIM IF YOU CAN!
Written By: SunniDayzu
Playing an Insectoid Paladin build, Touch Me of Ainz Ooal Gown certainly cut an imposing figure as the strongest player of the top #26 guild, Ainz Ooal Gown.
His imposing figure was greatly diminished by the fact that all of his guildmates were in RP gear, wearing shirts and holding banners that held the slogan "Touch Him If You Can!" A homage to his "Full Name," "Touch Me If You Can"
Before managing to interview him, I was stopped by Saibandoke who claimed to have been in his clan, Nine's Own Goal, before it disbanded and became Ainz Ooal Gown.
Saibandoke claims Touch Me to be "An arrogant, egotistical, manchild whose only purpose in life is to be the stick up everyone's ass… The worst man I know."
However, before Saibandoke could answer any of my questions, Touch Me himself immediately started to argue with Saibandoke.
Interestingly enough, BigStall, who dedicated readers know is the mastermind behind many of the dungeons in Yggdrasil, a great fan of Pokemon, usually a very chilled GM to be greeted with, and also a well known member of Ainz Ooal Gown, threatened to kick Saibandoke off of the server temporarily if he spoke any further.
Eventually, Saibandoke did back off and leave, however, a confrontation between another member of Ainz Ooal Gown, Ulbert Alain Odle, and Touch Me ended up in a duel, where after Touch Me won, he promptly logged off the server, denying me an interview.
Momonga, the guild leader of Ainz Ooal Gown, assured me that this happened often, as he said that Touch Me is "Kind of petty like that."
Additionally, I did manage to strike an interview with Vagisilious of Ainz Ooal Gown, who you may recognize as someone who's written some articles for The Yggdrasil Times, who described Touch Me as such, "Well, he's a bit dense, stupid, and overall kind of just… Strong minded? But I do think his heart is in the right place."
Alfheim is Touch Me's 6th World Tournament he's been able to get to the final day in, and his strongest performance was in Midgard in the quarter finals where he was struck down by Principality of Triumvirate, who was defending his title as the strongest.
Overall, given the environment, I wouldn't call it quits for Touch Me just yet!
Touch Him If You Can, Alfheim!
"Hey, Touch! Did you see the article in the Yggdrasil Times about you?" Vagisilious had shown Touch just before the first round started.
"No, is it any good?" Touch asked, taking the paper from Vagisilious and giving it a quick skim.
Vagisilious nods, "I like it."
Touch shrugged his shoulders upon finishing, "Well, it's definitely something alright. They didn't say anything about my justice roleplay, though."
"Well, you did beat the crap out of Ulbert and then leave when the writer was around." Otanabetabeki pointed out helpfully on the side.
Touch nodded, "Well, he deserved it. I was definitely on the side of justice on that issue."
Ulbert did nothing except throw him the middle finger.
Touch handed back the paper to Vagisilious, "Well, anyways, I should be preparing for my fight. Cheer me on!"
They all waved him goodbye as he descended down to his waiting area, waiting for the current match to end so his match could go.
The placements were in his favor, because CocaineKuma had ended up on the other side of the bracket, so he wouldn't have to face him until the grand finals. But the people he was going to be facing at this point were going to be the toughest and most skilled players in Yggdrasil.
Also, they were all melee players, because the World Champion is a melee job class, and mages aren't very good in 1v1s against warriors as a general rule, though there are some exceptions.
Unfortunately, none of those exceptions managed to make it this far.
The match outside ended, and he got his 1 minute warning before his duel started.
Hm, his wife is going to be pretty upset when she realizes what all of his free time has been going towards, huh?
It'd suck even more if his free time didn't end up leading to anything.
As the countdown ended, he was automatically teleported into the arena and he quickly checked his opponent.
An evil karma demon player, something that's specifically countered by his paladin build.
His opponent knew it as well, "Oh god fucking damn it."
Touch allowed himself a little bit of boasting, and quickly used his justice taunt before jumping into battle, "Justice Has Arrived!"
"Oh jeez, I feel a bit bad for this guy, he's getting his ass kicked." Vagisilious said, playing Connect 4 with Daijobubua.
They immediately disconnected from the fight as soon as they realized the stomp it was about to become. So they brought out one of the in-game minigames that was basically so they could enjoy house games with in-game friends, because in the real world, nobody had the ability to do things like visit friends.
"Well, at least you could pretend to care, Vaggy, Daijobubua." Nubo lightly chastised.
Vagisilious used an emote to blow a tongue at Nubo, "Boo. What's the point? We know the outcome of this match. Where's the excitement?"
Punitto chipped in on the conversation from the side, "it's about the journey, not the destination, Vaggy."
"I can't believe you just used that line on me." Vagisilious deadpanned.
"Hm, it's still true though."
Vagisilious did concede that one, though she did get one last jab in, "Hey Pero! Can we get your opinion on whether it's about the journey or destination?"
Peroroncino considered it for just a moment before saying, "Well, I know I'm gonna cum during the hentai, but the type of hentai helps a lot."
"Truly wise words, Pero. I really wished my ears went deaf just then." BigStall said.
Bukubukuchagama just groaned, "I wish the destination would come sooner, because my destination is to kill my own brother."
Vagisilious spoke up, "Will you-"
Both Peroroncino and Bukubukuchagama immediately knew where she was going with that, so they immediately brought their foot down, "Vaggy, Shut Up."
Vagisilious, wisely, shut up.
The fight was still ongoing, so Vagisilious instead went back to her Connect 4 game with Daijobubu, and everyone kept watching the fight.
Ultimately, Touch won that fight, and then he was going to wait down there so the next time Touch meets them, it'll either be as another loser, or the champion of Alfheim.
So, once the next fight starts against an eldritch knight, a build on a similar power level to Touch's build, the cheering began.
"Woo! Go Touch!" Vagisilious shouted, waving her little banner around, "You ain't got a chance- I didn't check his name, what's his name?"
"It's Lappy," Suratan said, still waving his banner, "Woo! Touch him if you can!"
"Thanks! You ain't got a chance, Lappy!" Vagisilious rebounded.
It was a very close fight, as Lappy was an extremely skilled player that was able to dodge much of Touch's attacks, but Touch did more damage than Lappy did, so though Touch ended the fight on 7% HP, Touch did win the fight.
"I amend my previous statement, Lappy did have a chance." Vagisilious said, a bit tired out by the shouting, "But woo! Go Touch! He's going up against- Uh, Clenananitim. Weird name."
Nishikienrai laughed at the small tidbit, "Yeah! Says you! You're definitely the weirdest name in this stadium, Vaggy."
Vagisilious took some offense to that, "What? No way is my name weirder than the guy who named himself after some weird Pokemon fan term, or the guy literally calling himself the bread knight!"
"Nah, you're way weirder. Nobody except Momonga can pronounce your full name." Tigris said, then turning to said overlord, "Speaking of, Momonga, how the heck do you pronounce that?"
Momonga ended his conversation with Ulbert to respond, as he just admits, "Well, an hour of watching English tutorials, mostly. Vagisilious really isn't that hard when you learn to pronounce the L."
Peroroncino then perked up, "Oh, by the way, Vaggy, how did you come up with your name? I don't think I've asked before."
Vagisilious turned her head as she tried to remember how she actually did that, "Uh, I think… I might've just hit my head on my keyboard when I was 12, and got something that I shifted to become Vagisilious. I don't actually remember, though."
Peroroncino sounded a bit surprised, "Oh, I thought it was based on the other English vag word."
Vagisilious stared at Peroroncino for a long moment, before she cried out in despair, "WHY DID I NOT THINK OF THAT?!"
"I don't speak English, does anyone want to enlighten me?" Suratan asked, seeming a bit interested.
"No, no, no. You're all not learning English anytime soon." Vagisilious quickly said, making an X with her small fairy arms, "This is forbidden knowledge."
Wish III laughed at her misfortune, "Boys, we've got something to search online later."
"You're all jerks."
They had all laughed at that, and then swiftly moved on to another topic until Touch had his 3rd round.
"Alright, this is the furthest Touch has gotten, anyone wanna bet if he can make it to finals against CocaineKuma?" Nearata asked during the middle of the fight, "Personally, I'm betting nah. Touch is losing right now."
It wasn't by much, but Clenananitim was currently winning the war of attrition because he was doing more damage than Touch, and he had some passive self-healing to make up for his lower agility and not dodging as many attacks.
The self-healing wasn't much of a surprise at first, considering he's playing some sort of golem water monk build, but the extra damage sure was a surprise.
"Nah, I actually think Touch has a chance against him," Whitebrim said, waving his banner, "I read that when ants were still widespread across the world, they could float across water. I think this counts as one of those situations."
Blue Planet looked at Whitebrim, trying to hold in some laughter as he said, "I don't think that's how ants worked, Whitebrim," Blue Planet snorted, "Hehe, yeah, not at all."
"I hope Clenanitim beats the hell out of Touch more," Ulbert unsurprisingly said, halfheartedly waving his banner, "I better not be #2 on the DPS charts again."
Vagisilious stood up from her seat as she said, "Look, all Touch needs is some anime encouragement! He's on his tournament arc, and we have to be the good side characters who shout out encouraging words at his time of need!" Vagisilious then began to shout, "Woo! Go Touch! You're the strongest person here!"
The others, encouraged by Vagisilious's enthusiasm, also began to cheer, "Yeah! Beat that dumb golem with the 2nd goofiest name in this arena!"
"Yeah! Go Touch!"
"We love you- Wait, why is he only the 2nd goofiest?"
"You can't Touch him!"
"Oh, because Vaggy is #1."
"Okay that makes sense."
"Wha- Don't insult me during our huge side character moment!"
"Can you guys shut up and start cheering for Touch?"
"Sorry, Go Touch! This is your big character moment!"
As if Touch heard the cries of his companions, he suddenly began to perform better. He started to get more critical strikes, he began to dodge more attacks, and he began to believe he was going to win.
So, they began cheering harder as Touch turned the scales and started to win.
Clenanitim's fists and Touch's swords clashed and showed off Yggdrasil's spectacular art design as the sparks clashed all over the arena.
But one had to crack eventually, and after what felt like decades disappearing off of Touch's lifespan, the golem eventually cracked.
Touch had won the fight and earned the right to enter the grand finals to face off against CocaineKuma.
"Holy shit he actually did it?!"
"We were all believers from day 1!"
"Oh wow, I didn't expect him to get his anime moment!"
"Please, I may be an atheist, but God, please don't let Touch win."
Warrior Takemikazuchi and Nubo stood up and began to quickly exit the arena.
"Huh? Where are you guys going?" Tabula questioned, as he was the closest towards where they were going.
"You'll see!" Nubo answered as they teleported to the neutral hub as soon as they exited the anti-spell wards of the arena.
"...Why do I feel like they're doing something dumb?" Tabula said to nobody in particular.
Yet Ankoro answered, "Because they probably are."
"Thanks Takemikazuchi." Touch gave his thanks as Takemikazuchi gave him the weapon he requested, with Nubo looking a bit uneasy about the whole thing.
"Uh, are you sure you're not going to lose, Touch? I can't imagine how badly you're going to be made fun of if you do lose with that." Nubo worriedly said.
"Me? Lose?" Touch sarcastically said, brandishing the long sword, "Nah, no way I'd lose. I'm at the prime of my life right now."
[The Alfheim World Tournament Grand Final Will Start in 2 minutes! All fighters, please enter the arena now.]
"Well, that's my signal," Touch said as he started making his way to his small room, waving goodbye to Warrior Takemikazuchi and Nubo, "I promise you I'm leaving a winner."
Takemikazuchi simply nodded, "Good luck, just let me be the first person you duel after you get out, I wanna know how far we are in strength after your victory."
Nubo just sighed, "Well, I am an accomplice in all of this. Good luck, don't lose."
Touch entered the arena, staring down CocaineKuma who didn't look like he was high on drugs, but maybe the rumors about him are true and he was actually somehow playing the game while high.
God, what a crazy son of a bitch.
Approaching the barrier that was up, with CocaineKuma doing the same, Touch decided to banter a bit before the match started, "So, Kuma, how much cocaine are you on right now?"
CocaineKuma just chuckled, "Want to know a secret?"
Touch gladly accepted the offer, "Sure, I love secrets. What is it?"
CocaineKuma laughed, flexing his muscles, "I don't do that regular pissy run of the mill made in the backyard of some loser's cocaine house shit…"
The barrier fell down as the match started and everything became available.
Touch activated every buffing skill at once as he brandished [Billion Blades] towards the bear.
CocaineKuma responded in kind as he immediately rushed Touch, shouting out, "I GET THAT GOOD SOUTH AMERICAN IMPORTED SHIT!"
Vagisilious blinked, before immediately shouting, "YOU GUYS GAVE HIM BILLION BLADES?!"
Punitto was also furious, "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! WE'RE GOING TO LOSE THAT THING!"
"What the- I wanted him to lose, but not like that!" Ulbert cried out, seemingly more concerned for the world item than Touch himself.
Takemikazuchi was not phased by the slander thrown at him, "Touch requested my help to get him Billion Blades if he made it to grand finals so that he has a better chance against CocaineKuma. As a fellow warrior, how was I going to deny him something like that?"
Nubo just laughed, "I went along with it because even though I knew this was a bad idea, it would still help Touch, so of course I would do something that dumb for him."
Takemikazuchi stared at Nubo, "Didn't you say you're super worried about him dying down there?"
"I'm a changed man."
"That was 2 minutes ago."
"People change in seconds."
Momonga loudly coughed, "Nevermind that! Technically, Billion Blades is Touch's world item, he can do whatever he wants with it. Even something as reckless as this."
"Reckless seems like a soft word to use here," Tabula commented, "Personally, I would've never let him do that. Also, how did you guys get that from the treasury so fast? Going through the treasury is like a 5 minute effort."
Nubo answered, "Well, we just left it right next to the teleport gate in Nazarick when we logged on. So we could immediately pick it up if we needed it."
"Of course, of course. You're all the worst." Tabula just said as he paid attention to the fight.
As for the fight itself…
Getting knocked back by the sheer force of CocaineKuma's 100 attack berserker build aided by the World Champion class, Touch could confidently say he was going to lose this fight if he didn't start to get good right now.
It was a fairly even fight at the start, until all of CocaineKuma's berserk talents came into effect when he was brought down to 50% HP and was continuing to stack as he brought his health lower and lower.
Barely dodging a boulder, Touch struck towards CocaineKuma's stomach, getting a good hit in and dodging the counterattack by a hair's width.
Blocking a hit, he activated [Countless Counter Deflect] Which deflected the attack ten fold, and CocaineKuma just laughed off the damage as he regenerated from one of his passives, which allows him to passively heal during combat.
"You really thought that world item of yours was going to do something!? Hahahaha!" CocaineKuma mocked him as he launched a devastating punish, dealing a great deal of damage, "Weak!"
Touch changed his tactics, and used one of his rings to use the spell [Hel's Shackle], restricting some of CocaineKuma's movement.
Then, he began to charge up a super-tier spell.
CocaineKuma was actually caught off guard by the sudden move, but then he began to laugh again, "HAHAHA! A FUCKING SUPER-TIER SPELL?! ARE YOU ACTUALLY RETARDED?! DO YOU THINK YOU CAN LAST A FULL MINUTE WITH ME?!"
Knowing he had time to mock him before the spell finished, CocaineKuma didn't make any attempt to attack as he continued to say, "Man, to think I was actually sort of worried for my well-being there! Instead, my opponent decides to throw the match by using the most stupid option possible. Mh, I can't wait to snort some more cocaine over your stupid corpse-"
30 seconds had passed.
[Molt Of The Insect God] activated, which brought all of Touch's attributes to 100 in everything for a period of 3 minutes.
There were a few variations of the super-tier spell, such as Ulbert's [Coming Of Beelzebub's Avatar] Or Vagisilious's [Memory Of The Lord Of The Fey], but the main thing that makes it worth using is that it is essentially allows you to max out all of your attributes as much as possible.
Normally, this is a worthless super-tier spell, as 3 minutes isn't that much in a fight, but it had the shortest cast time of all the super-tier spells, clocking in at 30 seconds compared to the longer 1-2 minute cast times of other super-tier spells.
Of course, to most players, they didn't need to max out things that were irrelevant to their build, so the spell was mostly used to boost their other unfocused attributes for a crucial moment, but Touch was actually going a step further with this idea.
In the latest raid, there was an item drop from the 3rd boss of that raid called the [Golden Ring of Wrath].
Now, for most human players, the majority of the playerbase, this was a mostly useless item, as the effect of the ring when activated was that the user gets some additional attributes depending on their overall attribute total. For human players whose max total was 600, this was a largely useless item as they could only get some 30 extra attributes to some of their stats at random.
For heteromorph players with high total attributes like Touch with 775, though, the opportunity to get an extra 100 points allocated anywhere was a great opportunity.
He activates the ring, and he checks his attribute totals, and now all of his attributes were above 100, though he had no idea the exact number of some of those numbers.
So, for 3 minutes, Touch was the strongest player in Yggdrasil.
A fact that CocaineKuma had no idea about.
"Okay, fine, I didn't realize that there was a super-tier spell that casted that fast, but that doesn't mean whatever spell you just used is going to help you." CocaineKuma reasoned as he got ready for another brawl.
Then, Touch disappeared from his line of vision.
"Wait, how did you-"
A blade strikes his back multiple times as he quickly strikes behind him to remove the pest.
His fists hit the air.
Another fun fact about Yggdrasil is that there was no upper limit on how fast a player could go, and normally that's fine because even a rogue at 100 agility like Nishikienrai wouldn't be so fast as to actually just disappear from vision by how fast they were going.
But Touch just so happened to get a lot more of his added attributes into agility. And his current gear had a lot of speed on it.
Striking with his weapon, Touch was inflicting a lot of pain onto CocaineKuma who was just trying to find a way to reliably hit Touch.
But CocaineKuma wasn't the Alfheim world champion solely due to luck, and so he immediately jumped to the walls of the arena in order to eliminate some of his blind spots so that he could see Touch easier.
Unfortunately for him, Billion Blades was a world weapon, so it was busted.
Touch turned Billion Blades into a whip sword, and started to fight from a distance rather than close up.
Glancing at his own health, he could see he was on 30%, while Touch was at 24%. He could still clutch something out if he just plays well.
Activating [World Break], CocaineKuma shattered the Earth around him, which inhibited Touch's movements by just enough so that he wouldn't look like a blur.
Then, as soon as he got a lock on to Touch, he struck.
Striking with all his might, Touch was blown away by the powerful attack and was sent flying across the arena on 13% HP.
Holding nothing back, he jumps toward Touch as he attempts to land another blow, yet Touch dodges and successfully strikes CocaineKuma from behind as his health depletes further.
"Nice [World Break], moron. I'll be sure to use it better when I have the skill." Touch insulted, preparing another blow.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Turning around, CocaineKuma used [Enrage Sucker Punch] in order to attempt to get the jump on Touch, but he was completely anticipated as his fist met Billion Blades, as he was down to his last leg.
But they both fully knew CocaineKuma was at his strongest when at the worst point in the fight.
Touch tried to play defensively, but CocaineKuma just shouted out one last insult before he went in for the kill, "GET FUCKED YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"
CocaineKuma's agility boosts from being so injured came into effect, and so he charged at Touch with immeasurable speed, as such Touch's only course of action was to strike him before he could strike him.
He swung his sword at CocaineKuma's fist-
And so, CocaineKuma's avatar turned to dust, as his health reached 0.
A burst of emotion went through his body as he was crowned the World Champion of Alfheim.
He looked up to his friends in the seats, and they were all cheering loudly at his success.
He would've used his 'Justice Has Arrived!' emote if he was a bit more attentive, but currently, he was too high on his emotions to even consider it.
Many notifications appeared in front of him, and he quickly took a screenshot of them all as he dismissed them and started to run towards his friends.
"Guys! Guys!" Touch shouted out as they too began to run towards him, "I won! I won!"
"We were all believers from the start, Touch!" Tabula blatantly lied, giving him his support.
"You were NOT, Tabula!" Vagisilious called out, "You were all 'oh, it's so over for him' when that stupid bear got down to half health!"
They had laughed at the jab, as Ulbert, who was definitely the least excited here, just added, "Welp, I guess there goes my #1 DPS spot, you bitch."
Touch simply pulled up the middle finger, "Yeah, justice, bitch."
It was very lighthearted, likely the most lighthearted they've been since Ulbert got his World Disaster class.
"Touch! Say the line! Say the line!" Luci*Fer insisted, wanting to take a screenshot, "You've got to take a cool screenie to commemorate this!"
Touch just nodded, taking up the dramatic pose as he declared to Alfheim, "Justice has arrived!"
Yggdrasil Forums:
Topic: Megathread: New Alfheim World Champion: Touch Me.
Posted on February 21, 2129 by BigStall.
BigStall (Original Poster) (Developer) (Guild: Ainz Ooal Gown)
Yes, I deliberately stopped people from posting for like 5 minutes so I could post this first. Haha.
Anyways, this post is the megathread about my good friend Touch Me, the new World Champion of Alfheim. Have fun.
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Touch Me (Alfheim World Champion) (Guild: Ainz Ooal Gown)
GG.
Edit: Yeah, that was a world weapon I brought lol get rekt.
-Momonga (Guild Leader: Ainz Ooal Gown)
Not even close!
-=CocaineKuma (Guild Leader: The Back Alley)
Brought a fucking world item you bitch. I'd have won otherwise. But now I'll go bang my hookers and snort that good south american cocaine, while you'll be wasting your life playing this shitty game for the next 10 years like a baby. Bye bye whore.
-=-Principality (Midgard World Champion) (Guild Leader: Triumvirate)
You are way too mad, Kuma.
Also, congrats, Touch! I doubt you'll accept, but there is a place for you in Triumvirate if you want.
Lappy (Guild: Triumvirate)
At least I lost to the new champion, that does feel a bit better.
Also god damn did we misjudge CocaineKuma's build cause I know I wouldn't have won that lmao.
-Dejeki (Guild: The Back Alley)
Man, we spent so much time convincing everyone CocaineKuma sucked ass, only for him to prove that he actually sucked ass lol.
Yeah, CocaineKuma's build relies on being low health, and all of the 'evidence' for him sucking ass is when he's way too high on cocaine for him to know what's going on or him being on 100% HP. He was probably in the top 5 in reality. Touch Me just played out of his mind (And also brought a world item, son of a bitch.)
Anyways, does anyone have a good guild to join? Cause I think our guild is about to blow up lol.
-=LiarLiarPants (Guild: The Back Alley)
Man, I still can't believe CocaineKuma lost. We even told him to hold off on the cocaine so he'd play better, and then he still lost.
Also yeah we gotta dip out of this guild man.
Vladdimirr (Guild: Foreigner United Front)
Is Touch Me bringing a WI going to set a standard for all future world champions to just bring world items to their fights?
-AlahAlaf (Clan: Slane)
Honestly probably yes. After all, if you lose that fight, you lose your best class. At that point, why not just bring a world item for extra security?
Kokonuts (Clan Leader: New Midnight)
Me when I heard CocaineKuma was dethroned: Thank god I no longer have to hear that goofy ass name when I watch a video about the Yggdrasil world champions. Who's the new world champion?
Touch Me.
FUUUUUU.
-TheHistorian (Guild Leader: The Lore Keepers)
Honestly the best part about Yggdrasil are its players and their goofy ass nicknames. The lore in this game created by the players in this game wouldn't be half as good if they had actually decent names.
-=Gabrielleta (Guild: Seraphim)
Why is basically every top player named the weirdest shit? Like, the only normal name up there is Principality, everyone else has weird ass names like Touch Me, or EmpireOfWar, or Crackaslama, or Elohs'Yddad.
Principality, we appreciate your efforts to keep names normal.
Vagisilious (Guild: Ainz Ooal Gown)
Couldn't Touch Him, lol.
Anyways, this is a huge loss for Ulbert's #1 DPS chart position he was posting on the flex megathread earlier this week lmao.
-Orphea Scarlet (Guild: Triumvirate)
Oh, so I don't have to keep posting my own chart numbers to keep him humbled? I guess I don't have to look over there anymore, lol.
-=Ulbert Alain Odle (Guild: Ainz Ooal Gown)
Orphea, stfu. I hope you never meet me in real life because it's going to be LIGHTS OUT for you if you do.
-=-Orphea Scarlet (Guild: Triumvirate)
Not the grown man threatening a little baby girl noooo LMAO.
-=-=BigStall (Original Poster) (Developer) (Guild: Ainz Ooal Gown)
Ulbert I know you just went offline to avoid my scolding lmao. Stop trying to act tough on the forums, you look like a clown. Don't force me to ban you.
Kikotenshin Nekonyan (Clan: Slane)
God I hate Touch Me, keeps PKing me whenever we try to go out and have fun like a normal person and this guy has the BALLS to use his PAID EMOTE to say "Justice Has Arrived!" God, I hate him.
-King Hougan (Guild: 8 Greed Kings)
Preach, brother. Hate that guy.
PopStarry (Guild: 8 Greed Kings)
Why is he named Touch Me though?
-Theadul (Guild: 8 Greed Kings)
Why don't you just ask Vagisilious that the next time we see her?
-=PopStarry (Guild: 8 Greed Kings)
Vagisilious
-=-Vagisilious (Guild: Ainz Ooal Gown)
Wtf you're like 12 or something, how do you know how to use the forums?
Also, his full name would technically be "Touch Me If You Can" but Touch just thought Touch Me would be funnier.
God truly gives his most funny divine blessings to his funniest warriors.
Flaggers (Guild: Foreigner United Front)
Ain't no way we got ANOTHER heteromorph player as world champion. 30% of the player population but the heteromorphs get 4 fucking world champs? Just ain't no way bro. And our 2 human world champs are in TRIUMVIRATE sucking dick. And just 1 demi-human champion lmao.
-Makel (Guild: Seraphim)
Don't count us angel players as heteromorphs bro.
-=Flaggers (Guild: Foreigner United Front)
Literally what you're coded as. God, angel players are the most delusional players in this game thinking they're not like other heteromorphs lmao.
-=-Unionite (Guild Leader: Foreigner United Front)
Lol Flaggers I know you're just trolling but like CHILL we don't need to be enemies with Seraphim.
Megacrypt (Clanless)
One can imagine NewPunchersTown rolling in his grave right now because of what Alfheim is right now.
I can only hope Alfheim stays this chaotic next year lol.
Herias 'Bernays' Sagashi's Status
Herias 'Bernays' Sagashi
Level 45
Racial Classes:
Doppelganger (15)
Greater Doppelganger (5)
Job Classes:
Illusionist (15)
Dream Walker (10)
Karma: 125, Good.
Approximate Status:
HP 40
MP 30
Phy. Atk. 10
Phy. Def. 20
Agility 15
Mag. Atk. 25
Mag. Def. 25
Resistance. 20
Special Ability. 60
Total: 245.
Spells and Skills: [Expand]
Racial Specialties: [Expand]
Inventory: [Expand]
[Edit NPC]
Herias 'Bernays' Sagashi's Bio
Herias 'Bernays' Sagashi is the 2nd in command of the propaganda department of Nazarick, subordinate to only Lady Vagisilious herself.
The name he gives out to people is 'Bernays,' but his true name is actually Herias Sagashi, with Bernays only being a fake name he gives out for a reason unknown to most of Nazarick's denizens.
To some of the craftier members of Nazarick like Albedo or Demiurge, they believe that giving out a false name is a sort of telling of sorts for whether or not Herias should treat them seriously, as only the most capable information seekers would figure out Herias's true name.
However, the truth of the matter is that the very first conversation Herias had with another member of Nazarick, he choked on his words and gave out the name 'Bernays.' and in order to avoid any embarrassment, he keeps telling people his name is Bernays despite it being not so.
Additionally, though he is nominally the head of the propaganda department and works with the various doppelgangers and homunculi in order to deceive the outside world into whatever Nazarick wants them to believe… He actually has no skill in actually using propaganda.
For some reason, Vagisilious did not instill within him the knowledge on how to properly deceive people, and Herias has been going on natural talent for as long as he could remember. Though, Vagisilious did give him some propaganda 101 books on his bookshelves that he has in his own private room.
Unfortunately, he has no idea how to apply any of those ideas into practice.
Herias would love to be able to tell anyone that he's not properly trained to be the head of the propaganda department, yet as someone whose entire position is based on deception, Herias feels as if that would lead into him losing his comfortable position in Nazarick, and so chooses to keep it hidden.
As for his hobbies, Herias feels most comfortable playing party games with people. Though he's not very good at most of the games he owns, his selection of party games is the largest in Nazarick.
Additionally, he loves his personal homunculi secretary, Fovalin. He doesn't know how to approach her, but he would love to be in a relationship with her one day.
And perhaps he doesn't know it just yet, but there is a unconscious part of him that's actually good at propaganda, because there's no way he would've made it this far if he wasn't at least somewhat naturally talented at deception.
Below are Herias 'Bernays' Sagashi's private thoughts on various people and subjects.
About Vagisilious:
'Oh Lady Vagisilious, please take notice of my plight and grant me proper training on the subject of propaganda! Please, I need your help!'
About Tokino:
'Sometimes, Tokino will talk to me about Fovalin and give me tips on how to talk to her. I once asked why she would do this favor for me, and all she said was 'It's Lady Vagisilious's will, of course!' though I'm not fully assured if that's what Lady Vagisilious actually wants, though… But I am very grateful for her assistance, even though I haven't actually put any of it into practice yet.'
About Leviathan:
'He stares at me with such cold eyes, please tell me he hasn't found me out yet!'
About Demiurge:
'I can just tell by looking at him that he knows a lot more about my job than I do. Maybe I could ask him for some 'suggestions' and just pretend they're my own ideas… No, he'd find out straight away!'
About Albedo & Shalltear:
'Both of them have asked me to spread some propaganda about them being Lord Momonga's wives, but I declined them both because I have no idea how to do that. Personally, as a creation of Vagisilious however, I'm on Albedo's side, personally.
About Fovalin:
'Oh, my beloved, how my heart aches for her companionship… Though, how am I going to confess to her?! I keep telling so many lies I don't know how to tell the truth!'
About 'Bernays':
'I'M SO STUPID! WHY DID I SAY BERNAYS? WHAT PART OF MY NAME HAS THE LETTER B IN IT?!'
About His Duty:
'I'm so lucky my aides are so useful, I would've been dead 10 times over if I didn't have their unquestioning loyalty!'
About Vagisilious's Grumblings:
'I once heard her telling Lord BigStall that I was apparently created in the image of the incompetent bosses that plagues someplace called Fujitsu. Does that… Does that mean my incompetence is intended? Please somebody comfort me and say that it doesn't!'
Additional Tokino Bio:
About Touch Me's Victory in Alfheim:
'Oh? Lord Touch Me has become the world champion of Alfheim? Does that mean we own Alfheim now?'
About Herias 'Bernays' Sagashi:
'He's so hopelessly in love with Fovalin, that I just needed to push them together! But they're both way too shy about it, so it doesn't go anywhere! Why?!'
CUUUUT
Additional Leviathan Bio:
About Touch Me's Victory in Alfheim:
'...What. Him? The World Champion of Alfheim? That's… Ugh, I suppose I shall give him credit, that is quite an accomplishment. Not that it will do him much good in the future…'
About Herias 'Bernays' Sagashi:
'Ah, I suppose he's to do with some of our underlings getting some extra luxuries in exchange for their mouths? Well, as long as his deception does not turn against Tokino, I will let it slide.'
About Pannokishi:
'A supreme being made entirely out of… Bread. Well, I suppose I've seen more absurd things. But I do wonder how he tastes…'
About Otanabetabeki:
'Another supreme being? Really? They must really let anyone in these days, hm?'
About Tigris Euphrates:
'I heard he was named after 2 rivers in another world. I wonder if he'd be amenable to drowning in them as well…'
About Denshosho:
'Ah, so he's the lore keeper of the guild? In that case, perhaps I should tell him more about my kind… Or perhaps he already knows of it all.'
About Daijobubua:
'Incredible, a supreme being so dull and so forgettable that even I have a hard time trying to justify any hatred for him.'
"Say, Vaggy, why do all of your NPCs ship people or something?" Tabula had asked Vagisilious on a lazy day.
Vagisilious answered simply, "Because I think it's cute."
"Well, I guess that's a reason. I guess canon Momonga would never get a girlfriend otherwise." Tabula just offhandedly said before bringing another thing up, "Now, another thing, why is it that whenever I see you editing Leviathan's character bio, it's always to add thoughts about why Leviathan hates us?"
"Because I love him and won't assassinate his character?" Vagisilious said as if it was obvious.
"You literally made him, and only like 10 people in the guild read character bios anyways. You can change him and nothing of value will be lost." Tabula answered back.
Vagisilious crossed her arms, "Wow, Tabula supports completely changing someone's character? Your books must suck."
Tabula just scoffed, "My books are all perfectly fine, enough people buy them for me to get by. Anyways, still on Leviathan, why does he get the power boost after Yggdrasil dies? Or rather, why are you so sure it's going to die one day?"
"It's an online game, they all die one day, Tabula." Vagisilious answered, "And also, I don't think they'd allow an actual world boss in our base in Yggdrasil, so it has to be after."
Tabula accepted the answer, "Yeah, that makes sense. Anyways, you're ready to take back our mine tomorrow, right?"
Vagisilious nodded, "Yeah, of course. They're kind of a weak guild, so we can take them back easily."
Then, Vagisilious mentioned, "Oh, right, Rubedo is done, right? Can I read her bio now?"
Tabula shook his head, "Rubedo is done, but her bio isn't. I'm still debating on whether I should just make her insides abyssal, or make her just a caloric golem."
"I think you should make her abyssal, like as her physical avatar is a fraction of the strength of her real avatar, the eldritch one." Vagisilious suggested.
Tabula hummed, "I think I like that idea, but what would her gap moe feature be…"
"I think her gap moe should be that she stole Albedo's gap moe, which is why Albedo is literally just a normal succubus."
Tabula laughed, "You know what? That's funny. A real canonical explanation on why Albedo, my first creation, doesn't have a gap moe."
"Yeah. Also, I looked it up earlier, and all you're done with the set, right?"
"Rubedo, the 8th floor pseudo-guardian, Albedo, the overseer, Nigredo the area guardian, and Citrinas, my maid. Yep, that's it."
"Well worth all of my life savings into dumping money into extra guild base levels."
"Absolutely. Thank you for your contributions, Vaggy, I know that without your high paying job, we wouldn't have made it this far without you."
"I think I'm only paid like, 50% better than someone like Momonga, and paid like a lot less than Touch, though."
"Yeah, but that's still a lot of money, and you're spending it all on Yggdrasil like a moron instead of saving it."
"...Yeah, true."
AN:
Hey, look at this 13k chapter that I just found!
I'm sure we're all enjoying this month of december and-
Wait.
Why is it still november.
Well I'm sure Manifest Destiny is fine, it's 5k words every chapter anyways, and I just wrote like 8k words in the span of 2 days to finish this chapter out.
Okay, BUT THIS TIME, the next update isn't coming for another month.
You can definitely trust me, because I am the most trustworthy person on this planet and I would never deceive you by giving into writing more Time Capsule.
X
I don't know how I forgot to mention this, but Orphea is the one from Heroes of The Storm, my favorite currently in the process of being revived MOBA, and her last name is Scarlet from AFK Arena, a mobile afk game I fooled myself into playing for like the past month.
I have no idea how I came up with Otanabetabeki, to be honest. I think I might've mashed random letters together to come up with that one.
Pannokishi is literally google translated 'Bread Knight.' That one's for you, Lavalamp. I hope you don't mind that he's bread.
Herias 'Bernays' Sagashi is a weird one. I literally came up with Herias on my own because I thought it sounded cool, Bernays is actually based on the real life father of propaganda, Edward Louis Bernays, and Sagashi is 'deceiver' google translated from English to Japanese.
Fovalin I just came up with on my own with some loose inspiration from Focalors from Genshin which is from Ars Goetia.
CocaineKuma is literally just Cocaine Bear, but it's Kuma now, which is bear in Japanese.
And the other player names I just mashed syllables together or are just words.
X
I had some fun writing the Yggdrasil forums. I gotta find a way to bring that up for the last like 4 or something chapters that we'll be in Yggdrasil for.
Speaking of, the next chapter is the Nazarick raid plus whatever filler I do before the raid.
And then chapter after that is a filler chapter that's just me brain dumping all of AOG's peak.
Then the leavings begin and I write a chapter where Vagisilious is saying she's lonely or something and yadeyada we leave for the new world.
Well, that's the plan, anyways. And I think you know my record on plans.
And yeah, it's 8:17 PM right now so basically late at night what with daylight savings or whatever.
And I just realized this right now, but I literally forgot about one of those perk thingies that Vagisilious bought with her imaginary V-Bucks at the start of this fic where it's described she wouldn't get nerfed as often lol. Consider it background lore.
Anyways, please comment something I am desperate for attention.