Chapter 4

After a day of pretending to be clueless visitors to Seattle, Kate and Ana parted with a warm hug, a kiss, and a promise that Ana would introduce Kate to her fiancé. Ana checked the time and knew she had time to shower and prepare for the man that she adored. After a shower that included a good shave, Ana sat on the bed and applied her favorite scented body butter to her skin. She breathed in the heather. It reminded her of England. The aroma took her back to Hank's condo and his proposal. Henry Castel wanted to marry her and he wanted the world to know by giving her such a beautiful ring. With a happy sigh, she remembered his heated kisses, his strong hands caressing her body tenderly and their lovemaking. Hank made love gently and powerfully. He didn't have to hurt her but he could move deliciously, rolling his hips and dipping far into her core. He took her soaring through the heavens when he made love to her. She fell back onto the bed and closed her eyes. Her long fingers traced over her taunt and flat belly and slowly circled the curvature of her breasts. She heard her own moans fill the room as she tantalized herself by fondling her nipples with one hand as the other reached between her legs. She gasped as her fingers brought her to an orgasm and she groaned. "Christian." Ana shot up from the bed. She wanted to slap herself for saying his name, for letting him get into her fantasy about Hank. "No, Mr. Grey, you lost the honor of being in my heart, my thoughts, and definitely my body." She got up, walked over to the stand-alone mirror and took a good look at herself. Her face flushed from her self-pleasure and her hair was wild about her head. "Why are you lying to yourself, Ana? Christian is always there. He will always be there and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Too damn he didn't love you…it would have been good." She said aloud. "You were not enough for him." Her eyes fell to the ring that tied her to another man, a sweet, loving, kind man. "And, what are you doing accepting another man's ring when you heart is still beating for Christian Grey? You should be ashamed of yourself." She fell to the floor in front of the mirror and began to cry. "I do love Hank. I love him…I do…just not as much as I love Christian."

xxXXxx

Christian stood outside the door of Ana's suite. He wrestled with his inner demons to knock or just walk away and leave her alone. After talking with John Flynn this morning, he realized that he had crossed a line by sneaking in and sleeping with her without her permission. John asked him how he would feel if some man had done that to Mia. Christian could only answer with clinched fists and a redden face. He would kill any man who would take advantage of his baby sister. John reminded Christian that even though Ana didn't have brothers, she was someone's daughter. I have to apologize to her. I have to let her know that I didn't hurt her…I would never hurt her. God, I love that woman. I love her more than I love myself. I love her more than my company…my life. I would give it all up if that meant she would take me back.

He walked away from the door then returned. He hesitated for a few seconds and then knocked softly. It took a few moments but the door opened to reveal a red-eyed Anastasia Steele. Christian's heart ached. Was he the cause of those tears? "Anastasia." He said lowly.

"Hello Christian. I wondered when you would show up. Hoping for another chance to slip into my bed?" Her voice was tense and sharp.

"Ana, I…I…shit!" He combed his fingers through his copper unruly curls. "God, baby…I'm so sorry if I scared you in any way. I just needed…I haven't slept since you…left me."

"I didn't leave you Christian. You pushed me away." She held onto the door for support. Why did he have to look so succulent, so handsome, and so fuckable? "I'm engaged." She declared.

"I know." He whispered. He looked down at the carpet. "Are you happy? Does he make you happy?"

"He doesn't have to hit me, if that is what you mean." She answered defensively.
"I don't have to either." He declared. His grey eyes lifted to look at her. He just wanted to gaze into her blue eyes. "Come back to me, Ana. Please, I will do anything you want to be with you. Anything? Just tell me what you want?"

"Ok, I want to be able to touch you where ever and whenever I want. I want to be able to kiss you anywhere I want, I want to be free to hold your hand when we are in public, and I want to be in public with you. I want your parents to know that you want me, need me, and that you love me. And, most of all, I want that cunt bitch pedophile out of your life forever and out of the life of your parents!" She saw the shock that raced across his face as her words finally made sense to him. She was asking for too much, she knew, but he did ask. He shook his head. "I thought so." She said acidly and started to close the door in his face.

"No, Ana…not again. Don't leave me again. I'll do it. I'll get rid of her…I'll find a way to let you touch me. Baby, I can't live without you. I need you baby…oh god…I love you so much." His hand held the door open. "I'll take you out right now into the streets and proclaim to the world that I belong to you. Just don't leave me."

"Go home, Christian." She whispered. "Just go home."

"I have no home without you."

"You gave up the right to expect anything from me. You don't love remember? You just fuck hard. You didn't want my love."

Christian was close to crying for the first time since he was a child. "I was wrong."

"Please, Christian, go home. Hank will be here any minute." She heard the elevator ding and her heart jumped into her throat fearing that her fiancé would find her with her ex-lover. A couple walked off arm in arm giggling. She sighed in relief. "If you ever felt anything for me, you will leave this moment."

"I'll go home, but I will not stop trying to win your heart back."

"Christian, I am engaged to be married. We couldn't make it together…we both want different things. I want hearts and flowers and you…well you want…need darker things." She slowly closed the door. "I only want the best for you Christian, and I'm not it. I'm not what you need or want. Goodbye, Mr. Grey." The door closed leaving Christian holding on to the doorjamb for support. His heart felt as if it was going to explode. He couldn't catch his breath. He finally swallowed a sob that made the pain even more intense in his chest. He staggered away from her door and leaned against the far wall. He had to calm down. He could feel his heart racing wildly and hear his blood pounding in his ears. He gingerly reached for his phone and hit the speed dial for Jason Taylor.

"Help me." He squeezed out then he slid down the wall into a heap on the floor.

xxXXXxx

Christian woke up in his own bed with his mother sitting beside him monitoring his blood pressure. She gave him her gentle mother's smile. "Mom, what happened?" He looked around to realize that he was in his room at Escala and Ana was nowhere to be seen. He closed his eyes. "It was just a dream."

"I'm afraid not, Christian. You had a panic attack." Dr. Grace Trevelyan Grey announced. She gently brushed a wayward curl from his face. "You do need a haircut, son."

"I hurt, Mom. I hurt all over."

"I know, baby, I know. Love does that to you when it's not returned." She lost her smile and her face showed her concern for him. "Jason told me what happened…that you went to see Ana and she turned you away."

Christian could see the anger flash in his mother's eyes. She was blaming Ana for this. "Don't Mom." He said reaching out for her hand. "Don't blame her. It's all my fault. I pushed her away. I made her run off to England. And, I have lost her forever."

"I hate that you are hurting, but I don't hate her. I miss her…a lot. I know that you love her. Any fool can see it. Why, Christian? Why did you push her away?"

Yeah, asshole…why did you push the best thing that ever came into your life besides your family away. What are you afraid of? Why are you such a fucking coward? Shit, fucktard, grow some balls and come clean to this woman who raced over here to make sure that you would not die. Tell her the fuckin truth! Tell her about the abuse. No! I can't! It would kill her! She would blame herself. She would never understand that I never worthy enough to be her son. I'm not perfect like her and Dad. I've never been good enough to have their name.

"Christian, answer me." She demanded. "Why did Ana run away?"

He closed his eyes and swallowed his fear. "I hurt her. I punished her…with a belt."

Grace felt her heart fall into her stomach. "Wh…What?"

"I hit her with a belt."

The silence roared in his ears. He closed his eyes not willing to see the disappointment in his mother's eyes. He could not stand to see those pretty, caramel eyes looking at him as if he was the monster he truly was. "Why?" She finally whispered. He could hear the horror in her voice.

"I don't know why?" His voice was barely hearable.

"Bullshit!" She declared. "Yeah, I said bullshit! So, don't you dare lay there and tell me that you don't know why you physically abused such a beautiful and innocent young lady as Anastasia."

The shame boiled through his body. "I…it's what I know. It's all I've ever known."

"What in the world are you saying? You were never abused in our home. God, Christian, we love you so much. What do I have to do to make you see that?"

"I'm not talking about you and Dad. Oh, God, Mom, you and Dad are my saviors. You saved me all those years ago in Detroit. I do love you both…I just don't know how…I didn't think I was good enough…" He couldn't stop the years of pent up emotions and fears and they flowed down his face. "I don't deserve you and Dad and I certainly don't deserve Ana."

"Christian." She took his hand and placed it over her heart. "It's true that I did not give birth to you. You were not born of my body, but you are born of my heart. I loved you before I even knew you. I prayed for you…for Elliot…for Mia…you are my child. Chosen, yes, but still mine." She covered his hand with her own. "In here, you will always be."

"Mom, I'm a monster. I don't have a heart. There's nothing inside me but a black hole of emptiness."

"You are killing me, Christian." Grace whispered. "You are scaring me."

"I am a monster. I tie up, beat, and fuck little brown haired girls that remind me of my crack whore of a birthmother."

Grace dropped his hand when she completely understood the horrifying words that came out of his mouth. "Oh, god…you are into that BDSM shit! Where did you learn that crap, Christian? When you went to Harvard? When you went off to Europe? Who taught you this shit?"

Those gray eyes went cold and lifeless. He had nothing left to lose. His life was over. Nothing mattered anymore. He was tired of hiding. He was tired of lying. "Elena Lincoln."

Grace shot to her feet. Her face went white. Without saying a word she gathered her physician's bag and quietly walked out of his room with his cries of "don't leave me, Mom" echoing in her head. She ran to the elevator and had to catch her breath as she waited for the doors to open. She looked back into the apartment of her insanely wealthy son and saw Taylor staring at her. "Take care of him, Taylor. He will need to be watched and if he has another panic attack, take him to the ER. I have a rat to kill!"