"So, are we going to be married as soon as we get into town?" Hercules asked after all of two minutes in the air.
"If you start off as a married man, you won't be as popular with half the demographic of your target audience," Phil said. "You gotta be a bachelor to build interest."
"The wedding's all arranged; the only thing missing is Hercules. Why should we wait for a bunch of girls he's never going to be with so that they can imagine being with him?" Megara told Phil, doing her best not to snap at him. He had already missed out on preferred seating on Pegasus's back. She didn't need to make him resent her any more than he already did.
"You want him to get to Olympus, don't you?" Phil countered.
Megara bit her tongue over that. The answer was a clear no, but that wasn't her right to dictate. If Hercules wanted to go to join the gods, she'd have to enjoy as much time with him as possible.
"I'm with Meg," Hercules said. "I don't want to lead a bunch of people on; I want to be with my wife. So that's my top priority when we get into town. Sorry, Phil."
"So what? You don't need my advice now that you got your upgraded physique?" Phil demanded. "You think I don't know this business? Achilles got popular with ladies first, and then all the guys wanted to be with him!"
"Hercules is better than Achilles," Megara shot back. "He's going to become a prince when he's with me, and besides that, once I'm his wife, we'll have plenty of parties and such I can get him into."
A shriek from below them stopped everyone– even Pegasus– short.
Megara didn't have time to think about what might be happening before they divebombed toward the sound. Seconds later, Pegasus had landed them near a clearing, with the sound of rushing water close by. Megara wobbled on the horse's back. Her heart was racing, and her stomach was sloshing.
"Sorry," Hercules whispered and helped her down. "I've gotta see what's wrong."
"Yeah…" Megara sat heavily in place and let the guys walk on.
Hercules parted some bushes, and there stood a blonde in a red dress pursued by a massive blue centaur.
Ugh. Megara knew how this story ended. Her stomach turned once more, but this time it hurt. She could almost feel that fate befalling her in sympathy.
She forced herself to her feet. Maybe she could help. When she took a closer look at the girl, it hit her: this wasn't a stranger at all.
Deianeira raised her hands at the creature and shouted, "You know the consequences if you—" but then the centaur picked her up.
"I know her. She goes to my school," she told Hercules.
"Oh, uh, really?" Hercules was distracted now, head whipping in one direction and then the other. "I'll go help your friend."
"We're not friends."
"This is great for your hero rep," Phil said. "She's your basic DID, Damsel in Distress. You've trained for this."
"Kill that creep while you're at it. The river can get another guardian, but this thing shouldn't be allowed near civilization."
"Gotcha." Hercules stalked into the river, putting on his best impression of a "hero type."
Megara had to smirk to herself watching him, but then her mind caught up with the question of what Deianeira had meant by threatening the centaur with consequences for what he was about to do.
Who would punish a river guardian on behalf of a high schooler?
"Halt!" Hercules shouted up at the centaur.
Megara jammed her hands over her mouth to halt her laughter.
"Oh!" Deianeira exclaimed. "Are you a hero?" She cooed at Hercules and fluttered her lashes. "You sure look like one."
Megara's troubled stomach squeezed in on itself with jealousy. She couldn't blame Deianeira for reacting to the hottest man alive, but she hated that someone else was going after him.
"Well, uh… yeah, but—"
"Step aside, two-legs! This one's mine! Go find your own!" the centaur took a menacing step closer.
"Oh, I um… I don't want her. I just want you to let her go. I have one of my own!" Hercules pointed back toward the bushes.
Megara smacked herself on the forehead.
"The kid gave away our position!" Phil gasped.
"So what?" Megara stepped out of the bushes and stood ankle-deep in the water, glaring up at Nessus. "Hey, horselips! You're supposed to guard the river from corruption, not embody it! What's the point of you, anyway?"
"Meg," Hercules winced at her over his shoulder, "don't put yourself in danger."
"I'm not in danger. You're here."
"Two girls?" the centaur laughed, disgustingly greasy. "You can't handle one; watch me with two!" His empty blue hand swung out toward Megara, but Hercules grabbed it before it could reach her.
"You won't touch her," Hercules growled. He snapped the centaur's arm at an angle away from Megara, and the monster dropped the woman into the water with a scream of pain.
Deianeira screamed as she splashed face-first into the muddy water.
It was too funny. Megara snickered at her misfortune even though she crept closer to her schoolmate and hauled her out by her elbow.
Mud caked Deianeira's face and slicked through her hair.
"Not your best beauty treatment," Megara said as Deianeira coughed up water. "What are you even doing out here?"
"None of your business, Princess." Deianeira jerked her hand away.
"Fine, bitch." Megara gave up trying to help her and instead dropped Deianeira back into the water.
"Get out of the water!" Hercules called down to them. That was when Megara noticed he was atop the beast, driving him away from the women while the creature tried to pluck him off.
"Come on." Megara tugged Deianeira along toward the shore.
The other woman seemed pacified by her second dunking in the river. She allowed herself to be dragged to the riverbank and flopped onto a log. "The whole day's been a waste," she mumbled.
"What did you think you'd find out here? You know forests are full of wild semi-humans who ravish women for fun. Did you think you were going to have a nice leisurely hike out here and collect daisies?"
Deianeira glared sourly at Megara. "I don't answer to you outside the city."
"No? That's fine, then. After all, you've got to figure out how you're getting home."
"Do I?" Deianeira snorted derisively. "I'll get your man to take me."
Megara couldn't lie to herself and pretend Hercules wouldn't try his best to help whoever he saw was in trouble. She would have to prove Deianeira didn't need him.
"Hey, Meg! Watch this!" Hercules called from the middle of the river. He's begun steering the enraged centaur into obstacles like a decrepit tree and the wall. The creature was beaten to the consistency of a rotten apple and collapsed into the river. "How was that?" Hercules located Megara along the river bank and flexed for her.
Megara applauded and blew him a kiss. "I'll tell everyone at the palace you killed our river guardian, and we're in the market for a new one!"
"Oh, I'm so grateful you saved me!" Deianeira crooned, hopping off the log to run toward Hercules. "I never thought I'd be rescued by such a handsome, muscular hero!"
Megara glanced over Deianeira's shoulder and tripped her into the water. "I'm impressed, Herc. You didn't let that guy menace you at all!"
"Well, I've faced worse," Hercules said in his deeper, showoff voice. "Did your friend tell you what the matter is? Does she need help getting home?"
"Eh, let her handle it. She came out here on her own. She can get home the same way."
"No, wait!" Deianeira spluttered. "It's not safe out here! I need your help!"
"Who'd you come out here with then if you're so helpless?"
Deianeira glared at Megara despite her act. "Look at me! I'm a beautiful woman out in the wilderness! I need someone to escort me back to safety!"
"Oh, please." Megara rolled her eyes. "Cut the act. I understand why you never got cast in a lead role. You're up to something. What were you trying to accomplish out here? Looking for herbs? We have a market for that. Or was this degenerate the best you could do for a date? I would've expected more of a fellow academy graduate."
"You don't know what it's like," Deianeira started to rub the corner of her eyes and sniffed dramatically. "You live at the top of society, but Thebes still needs help! You're a selfish, myopic royal who never cared about her people! You should be so embarrassed of yourself, Princess Megara!"
"Ugh. I'm getting enough secondhand embarrassment off of you for this tripe." Megara turned to Hercules. "It's time to get out of here. She's clearly up to something, and you've done your job by her."
"If ya want, I could escort the lady through Thebes," Phil offered. He licked the palm of his hand and slicked back a few hairs on his bald head. He approached Deianeira with a saunter that was apparently meant to be alluring.
Both Deianeira and Megara recoiled from this advance.
"What's the matter with you?" Megara nudged Phil away with her foot. "Have some dignity, you slavering fool! You're meant to be a hero trainer, not a total creep! You're no better than the centaur."
"Hey! Watch it, sister! I don't get in the way of you and the kid–"
"Yes, you do," Hercules and Megara chorused.
"Fine, but I don't mean to."
"I'll see myself home," Deianeira said, but she sighed and leaned heavily against a tree. "I'll tell everyone how I was rescued by a dashing young hero." She pressed the back of her hand to her brow. "They won't believe the Mighty Hercules saved me, personally, but I'll always have the memories."
"Yeah, and that's all you'll have," Megara scoffed. "Try to find your dignity on the way home and maybe some acting skills. Come on, Herc."
"Uh, are you sure?" Hercules asked.
Megara walked up to him and wrapped her arms around him in a way she knew the disheveled wannabe against the tree would envy. "You want to see our home, right?" she whispered. "I've got all kinds of secret passageways to explore with you."
"Oh… oh, yeah…" Hercules chuckled breathlessly. He wrapped both arms around Megara and caressed the back of her head in one large, gentle hand. "See ya around, miss." He picked Megara up, settled her on Pegasus, and hoisted himself up after her. "Stay safe out here!" he called to Deianeira, waiting only long enough for Phil to climb on with them before he took off.
Megara snuggled back against him and watched Deianeira as long as she could.
Something fishy was going on. It reeked of the sort of nonsense that chthonic devotees would get mixed up in. She'd leave it alone for now, but she wouldn't forget.