JENNIE

The shower's hot water soaked me. Under the beating stream, the past few months rushed out through scalding tears—Taehyung's harsh words, my mother's disappointment, all the fears I still had and the ones I'd already conquered, and of course, the possibility of losing Lisa now.

And my heart leaked through my eyes for everything we'd built, everything we'd fought for. Were things meant to end this way, everything swirling down the drain? I heard the door open, but I stayed facing the wall. Moments later, her hand ran over the hair plastered to my back. My sobs redoubled at her touch. Despite the burning of my eyes and the trembling of my body, her touch soothed me.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"For what?" she asked softly.

Finally, I turned to her and stared at her with wonder. She was a dream, even in soaking wet boxer briefs. "I should never have let things get this far," I said, exhaling a shaky breath.

She shut off the water before stepping out of the shower. I followed, and she wrapped me in a towel, securing my arms to my body. She guided me onto the edge of the bathtub, squatted on her heels, and looked up at me. "Let what get so far?"

"I thought I'd change my mind," I said. "I thought being with you would change everything, but . . . it hasn't. I still feel the same."

"I don't understand, Jennie," she said, cupping my jaw.

I took a deep breath as a sense of calm fell over me. Thankful that there were no tears left in me, I looked her in the eye. And I said it. "I don't want children."

Her hand withdrew immediately, and her expression cleared.

In the ensuing silence, I tried to read her reaction, but she just stared at me with huge brown eyes. It took a lot to shock Lisa, but now, she seemed unable to even process what I'd said.

So, I continued.

"I've seen you with Alex," I said. "I know you'll be an incredible parent. You want it. I can see it. I'm sorry for waiting this long to tell you, but . . ." I paused when my voice wavered. "I honestly thought we had more time."

I was wrong. I was not cried out. Tears began to spill again, sliding down my cheeks and dropping into my lap.

And for once, Lisa didn't catch them. She looked away and focused on the tiled wall. At least it gave me a moment to trace the lines of her jaw with my eyes, to memorize the curve of her magnificent lips and the chestnut, golden color of her eyes. She really was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. And she'd almost been mine.

"I'm sorry," she said to the wall. "I don't know what to say. I need . . ."

Space. She didn't have to say it. I'd asked for it often. Sometimes she'd granted my wish. Others, she'd pushed back. This wasn't something either of us could push, though. I knew that. I'd been pushed in the past, and it'd driven me away.

I stood from the edge of the tub, walked to the bed, and slid between the sheets. Covering my face with my hands, I cried. Lisa never came, and eventually, I fell asleep.

I opened my eyes to a dark room, my towel still wrapped under my armpits, my pillow damp from my hair. I sat up slowly, trying to orient myself.

"Jennie." Lisa's figure sharpened in the dark. She leaned forward and turned on the bedside lamp.

"What time is it?" I mumbled.

"Three in the morning."

"Have you slept?" I asked, rubbing my eyes.

"No. I've been downstairs." With a bath towel in her hands, she climbed into bed behind me. She straddled me and ran the towel through my hair, scrubbing lightly. "What have I told you about going to bed with wet hair?" she said in quiet admonishment.

"I didn't mean to," I said with a quivering chin.

She continued to pat my hair, and when it was as dry as possible, she threw the towel and my pillow on the floor. "Turn around. We're going to talk about this," she said. "No more hiding."

I did as she said, my shoulders slumped forward. "Do you want children?" I asked.

She hesitated. "I always imagined I'd have them, yes. I never really questioned it. I assumed it was what you wanted, and so . . . I just figured it would happen."

Each of her words stung like little knives in my heart, not because of what she said, but because of the picture she painted that would never be. I gave her a shallow nod. "I understand. I should have told you."

"I should've asked."

"It doesn't matter," I whispered, looking down. "It's no one's fault." After a brief pause, I said, "I understand if you need space right now."

She sat cross-legged and quiet in her plaid pajama pants. "What do you mean?"

"You need time to process this—away from me, from us, because this," I gestured between us, "clouds your judgment, just like it did mine."

She lifted her chin and said evenly, "Don't tell me what I need."

"But you should take it."

"I don't need time. I don't want to lose you, so we'll find an answer."

"There's no answer, Lisa," I said. My urge to wallow had passed, and now, it was time to put the entire truth out there. "I could never take parenthood from you. I won't do it."

"I can make my own decisions."

"I know you can."

"Every time we get close, you run. Now you're trying to get me to run. I can't help but feel like you're sabotaging what we have." She shook her head and looked away. "It sounds like you want me to leave you."

"Of course I don't want that," I cried immediately. "But the only thing worse than you leaving would be you resenting me years down the line because I took this away from you."

Her jaw set, and she turned back to me. "I've been thinking a lot, and I have some questions."

I dipped my head into a nod. "Ask me anything."

"Why don't you want children?"

Well, that wasn't just any question. It was the question. And there was no clear answer. "I've tried to rationalize it. I can't," I said. "It all comes down to my gut. My instinct says motherhood is not the path for me." I rewrapped my towel around myself and tilted my head. "I don't see it in my future, Lisa. And if I can't see it with you, then I never will."

"Can you see me in your future?"

"You're all I see," I said quietly. "That's why this has been so confusing."

Her expression remained hard, as if she were trying to push through this instead of—what? Did she want to walk out? Cry? Beg me? Shake me?

"Does this have something to do with your mom?" she asked. "Are you afraid?"

A fair and crucial question that I'd had time to think about considering . . . "Taehyung asked me the same thing."

"Because you're not her, Jennie." Lisa's features finally softened. "You'd make a phenomenal mom. You're so loving. You have so much to give when you let yourself."

I blinked at her. Did I? Was I this warm and loving creature Lisa thought I was, or cold and heartless as Taehyung had accused? Could I be warm, loving, and selfless and still not want children? "You're right," I said. "I'm not her. I'd never be the type of parent she was."

With her elbows on her knees, she steepled her hands in front of her face, as if interacting with a client. "So this isn't because you're afraid of turning out like her?"

I'd learned a great deal about myself over the past few months. But long ago, I'd learned from my mom's mistakes. I'd thought I was destined to become her, but Lisa had proven to me that I could handle what came my way. My mother was an example of what I didn't want to become. In that respect, at least, she'd been the right kind of bad role model. I wouldn't be the same kind of mother, so I shook my head. "No," I said. "I recognize that fear of becoming her, and I've already overcome it once to keep you. I could do it again. But this is something else. It runs deeper."

She nodded slowly, resting her forehead against her fingers. "Explain something to me if you can," she said and peeked up at me. "Why was it so hard for you to let go with me?"

I'd lived in a quiet, safe cage, and Lisa had rattled it, broken the chains, opened the gate to set me free—only to have me stay inside where I'd been comfortable. Now that I'd finally stepped out, I could never return to that. "I was afraid once I let myself love you, I'd lose you," I said. "And I didn't think I could handle it."

"Are you sure this isn't the same thing?" she asked. "You're not afraid of loving a baby too much?"

"The idea does scare me," I admitted. "That I'd be responsible for this being, and there'd be no second chances, no room for mistakes."

"All parents make mistakes." She arched a dark eyebrow. "Jihyo does all the time."

I half-smiled. "I know. But it's not just that. It's instinct. And I know what you say about your instincts . . ."

"I never ignore my gut," she said, quoting herself. "Even when it gets me in deep shit."

"But, Lisa, if the alternative is losing you . . ." Walking away from her now wasn't an option. I was committed. Everything I had, everything I was, I wanted to share with her. If she wanted to end this, I would respect that, even while it killed me. But I'd spent all day wondering if I'd willingly walk away, and the answer was—I wouldn't.

"I could do it," I whispered, searching eyes that had the ability to melt away all my fears and doubts. "For you. I could make you a parent."

Lisa's response came out strangled. "I would never let you do that for me, Jennie. You know I wouldn't."

Of course I'd known—it was part of what I'd been hiding from. Lisa would let me go before she asked me to do this for her the way Taehyung had.

"Fuck." Lisa dropped her head in her hands. "I never gave having children much thought, I guess because I just figured it would happen one day."

"It's the only reason the proposal scared me." I wrapped my hand around her wrist, and she raised her head to look at me. I took her coarse palm in my hand. "I loved everything you said this morning. I would've accepted on the spot if I could've." I swallowed. "I want you to know that I wouldn't change anything about the decisions I've made. I'd leave my life behind all over again, and I'd let you tear down my walls a second time, even for the short life we've led together. Thank you for showing me—"

"Oh, come on, Jennie," she said almost angrily. "You don't think I'd give up that easily, do you? Give me some fucking credit."

I withdrew my hand, surprised by the tidal wave of anguish that crashed over me. The most heartbreaking part was that we could no longer fight. There was nothing to fix. We'd each given it our all.

"You have to give up." Tears spilled from my eyes. "Fighting it will only make it harder. The sooner we end this, the better."

"What the fuck?" she asked. "Is that what you want?"

"Of course that's not what I want!" I nearly screamed and choked on a sob. "I want you all to myself for the rest of my life. I want to quit my job and travel the world with you and eat and drink and fuck and love you forever. I want to go to Spain and lie on the beach and eat oysters and write my book, but this is real life, Lisa. This is not a dream or a fantasy. What choice do we have?"

She blinked at me a few times, as if speechless. "I want those things, too," she said, but her voice wavered.

"You say that now, but you don't know what you'd be giving up. Because I love you, and I want your own happiness more than my own, I can't take this away from you." I couldn't help myself from crawling into her lap and wrapping my arms around her neck.

She sat back against the headboard, squeezing me to her. "But I love you," she said, almost under her breath.

I wanted to claw open my chest and rip out my heart so I could give it to her.

Take it. Take it all, because I will never need it again. I don't want it.

I wasn't sure if she fell asleep, but her hold on me never loosened. This was my dream, my fantasy, my heaven, my nightmare, to be bound and wound with a love as strong as this.

Eventually, when light began to filter through the shades, I sat up.

Lisa sighed, rubbing her eyes. "We have to go if we're going to make our flight."

While she showered, I knotted my tangled and unruly hair back and brushed my teeth. With puffy eyes, a red nose, and an empty gaze, I fleetingly thought . . .

This is exactly how I imagined I would look at the end.