AN:

Triggers: Implied reference to past sexual abuse of a minor. No explicit details. Read with caution if this is a trigger for you. This was stated in the last chapter. I forgot to remove it. When I split the chapter, the trigger fell in chapter 9 not 8, so this trigger is in this section. Also, I apologize for not posting for a bit. The wedding ended up being busier than anticipated and we were gone for about 18 days total, so I just didn't have a chance! Hoping to be back on track but this weekend is the husband's birthday so it may or may not be a new chapter day this Saturday. I also have stupid acrylic nails which while pretty, have made typing so challenging. So, I apologize for any typos. I screened for them and hopefully avoided them.

Christian POV

June 11, 2011

I sat on the piano bench, doing our daily lesson.

That was a habit I had developed. Part of Rowan's daily routine. We'd sit and I'd teach. She was a natural, even at her young age. She was beginning to play nursery rhymes with ease. No chords yet, but she was starting to grasp basic concepts of reading music.

It was a moment I truly cherished.

Today was a big day. Ana was going to meet Rowan. It was a bit soon…I'd openly admit that, however Rowan would be attending the Coping Together Ball with us tomorrow for part of the evening and I wanted her warmed up to Ana prior to that event.

I had mixed feelings about the ball for Rowan. On one hand, I knew she'd enjoy dressing up like a princess and seeing all the pretty things. On the other, there wasn't much for a child to do there. She'd mainly be with Gail, who was tagging along to watch her in my parents' home once Rowan was done with dinner. I was also worried about all the people…the fear it would cause her to meet so many grown-ups. The paparazzi…my reaction if they tried to speak to my little girl or take pictures.

My parents had reassured me.

Mia, who Rowan was smitten with, had reassured me as well. Extended the offer to not let Rowan out of sight.

Rowan had met Mia already, but not Elliot with his recent travel. He knew of her and would meet her upon his return. Mia had come over and the two had played dress up, painted their nails, had a tea party, and watched two Disney princess movies. Mia also came with more clothes than Rowan could ever possibly wear but Rowan was happy about it, and that's what mattered to me after all.

Seeing Rowan with Mia was…sweet and sad at the same time. You could tell she desperately craved maternal love. I could see it with my mother and my sister. They were glad to give it, but Rowan did miss her mother. No amount of "grief projects" Gail could do with her could replace her mother, though they seemed to help. I had to admit I worried about Ana. Row would crave maternal love and was Ana really ready for that? Not that I doubt her, it's more I wouldn't blame her if she went running for the hills. Ana was young and had just finished college. Would she want to parent a traumatized four-year-old? The thought of losing Ana caused a giant pit in my stomach. I hoped that day would never come.

In three days, Rowan would meet with a child therapist. I had done some digging and asked Flynn for recommendations and had Rowan set up with the best in Seattle—one of the best in the country. She'd need it.

We would also start family counseling, but I opted to let things settle down for a while prior to beginning that. I was fearful of what family counseling would do. Surely they wouldn't think I was fit to be anyone's father, let alone a child who had been through as much as Row.

"There, now you look beautiful." Rowan clapped.

I stared at myself in her little vanity. The gaudy red lipstick was smeared on my face more than my lips, a tiara crooked on my hair. Pink and glitter covered me. I wanted to kill Mia for showing her this type of play.

But then there was the look on Rowan's face. Total joy. A wide smile. Looking her age for once instead of prematurely matured.

"Sir, a word when you get a chance." Taylor told me. "I've spoken with Welch and have an update."

"I'll be back, Row." I offered.

Taylor smirked at me as I left the room. I shook my head, removing the tiara and using a handkerchief to try and remove some of the lipstick.

Once we made it to my office, I could sense quite a bit of underlying frustration from him. A man who rarely showed it was angry.

"Seem familiar?" He asked, tossing a form at me as he paced my office.

I glanced down at it. It was a form from an OBGYN with Leila's information. Scribbled in on emergency contact was a name—Selena Lupton—but the phone number beside it was one I knew very well. It was Elena's number.

"What…?" I began.

He tossed more things onto my desk. Security pictures at the hospital. Elena walking a very pregnant Leila in, pushing her in a wheelchair, one of her walking with Leila who held a newborn in her arms, many pictures of the two together. Another document…a contract…promising to pay Leila if she refused to terminate the pregnancy. $4000 dollars a month until the child was eighteen, void if Leila ever told me about the child. The only requirement was that at 14, Leila would send Rowan to live with Elena. Fourteen? What were her plans for her? Surely not to train her up to be…to be like me?

"What the fuck?" I roared.

"Miss Lincoln had her own people covering her tracks, encrypting files, covering for Leila. That's why it took so long for the team to dig anything up."

I was fuming. I felt like throwing something. Breaking something. A god-damned betrayal? And for what? To steal my child? What was she going to do to her if she got her at fourteen? Why would she do this to me? How could she?

"It looks like after the pregnancy; Leila had a tough recovery. She was prescribed a multitude of pain medications as well as heavy doses of psychiatric drugs. Enough to make an addict out of almost anyone. Elena saw Rowan regularly from what we've found—at least once a week."

"Once a week? She had to see…she had to know what was happening to her. What the fuck?" I roared.

A pitter patter of feet down the hall and a knock on the door distracted me.

"Daddy!" A squeal as Rowan ran in, followed closely by Gail.

"Sorry, Mr. Grey. She got away from me." Gail apologized.

"But he has to see my braids!" Rowan exclaimed, twirling around.

"They look nice." I supplied, trying hard to not sound like a dick.

"Daddy, are you mad?" Rowan melted.

She was so intuitive. So empathic. Damn.

"No, I'm not mad at you." I assured her. "I do have a question for you."

She nodded.

"Who is this?" I asked, turning a regular picture of Elena towards her.

She went pale. She looked like she was going to get sick.

"Mrs. Lincoln." She whispered.

"Who was she to you?" I asked.

"Mommy's friend. She…she was…that's where I first met him."

"Him?" I asked. "Who is him?"

"She…she…he was bad. He was really bad." She was panicking.

I should stop. I should stop questioning her. I had to know though. If Elena had caused any part in my child being tormented.

"Why was he bad?"

"He was bad." Tears streamed down her cheeks. "He was bad."

"Mr. Grey…" Gail tried deterring me.

I needed to know.

"How was he bad? What did he do to you?" My voice sounded angry.

I was frightening her. I knew I was. I was being firm. I needed to back off, but I also needed to know. I needed justice for her. I needed revenge.

She was sobbing now. Panicking.

Back off Grey, she's a kid. She's just a fucking kid.

She shook her head; she backed up towards Gail. Tears flowed down her cheeks.

"He was bad!" She sobbed.

"Grey…" Taylor cautioned, watching Rowan hyperventilate.

"How was he bad, Rowan?" I tried to ask it nicely, but my voice sounded demanding.

Back off Grey. Calm the fuck down. She's just four. She's a baby.

-Main Trigger Begins-

Before I could apologize, before Gail or Taylor could correct me, she did something that horrified me. She put herself on her knees in front of me, back towards me, hands flat on her thighs, shaking rapidly. The exact position Elena trained me to do. The one she trained me to train submissives to do.

What the fuck?

I had felt rage before. Nothing like this. She used my daughter, for what? To allow her to endure sexual abuse? For what reason? For what purpose? I was fuming. Shaking.

"Rowan, it's okay. Baby, it's okay. Breathe." Gail knelt in front of her.

"Grey." Taylor was looking at me bewildered, pleading with me to intervene. Pleading with me to go to my child.

This is your fault, Grey. Your fault. You fucking idiot.

"Sir, all due respect, get it together. She's having a panic attack." Taylor hissed at me.

Snap out of it Grey. Be there for her. Go to her. She's a kid. She's a baby. She's your baby. Get your shit together and go be with her. Go help.

"Baby, breathe. Just breathe." Gail was pleading.

Rowan was crying to the point she threw up. She was still hyperventilating. She needed help. But what did I do? How did I help her?

"Rowan?" I called.

And like that, all emotions fled. She turned to stare at me, eyes void of feelings. Quiet. Like a light switch was turned off. No tears. No emotions. She looked at me with blood red eyes.

"I…I'll do it. I'm sorry. I can please you."

That sentence. That fucking sentence. Please me? Please me?

-Main Trigger Ends-

"No, Rowan. No, I don't…you never will do that again. No one will ever ask that of you here." I sighed.

Gail had her own tears rolling down her cheeks.

"You wanted to see. You wanted to know what he made me do. He made me please him." She whispered.

With that, the tears resumed. Sobs raked through her chest. Her body trembled. Inconsolable.

I took a step towards her. She backed away. Gail tried…assuming probably her gender would feel safer…Rowan jumped, flinched, bolted for the other side of the room. What did I do? Why did I push her? I was causing her to unravel before my very eyes. How did I fix this?

"Sir, what…what would you like us to do?" Taylor asked.

Shit. It'd be nice to have any clue.

Get it together Grey. What would you have needed at her age? What would Grace and Carrick have done for you? What would have helped?

But I had no clue. I hated touch. I wasn't speaking at her age. I was…I wasn't able to be helped. How did I help her? Goddamn, what was I supposed to do? How did I parent this?

My own memories were flooding me.

"Retrieve my mother." I simply requested, surprising myself at my request.

She'd know though.

Or she'd know more than me.

I could swallow my pride for this little girl.

I could accept help.

She just kept sobbing. How could she have so many tears. I made one last attempt to get closer to her, which seemed to make things worse. She dropped to the ground, fetal position, held her knees to her chest, popped a thumb in her mouth, and sobbed even harder.

You're fucking this up, Grey. You knew you'd be incapable. You'd knew you'd ruin her.

"Rowan, Baby, you're safe. Please…please let us help." Gail spoke to her calmly.

No response. Just tears. Just loud, heart wrenching sobs.

It felt like hours. It was probably no more than half an hour. My mother was in the room, assessing the situation, watching me too. My father was in the doorway.

"I…I pushed too hard. I asked too much." I supplied.

Mom was kneeling beside her. Speaking calmly. Speaking very softly. Trying to undo what I had fucked up. I couldn't be in here. I was making it worse. I left in an instant, walking down the hall. I couldn't do this. What made me think I could parent anyone, let alone a horridly traumatized child?

"Christian?" My father called.

Tears filled my eyes.

Don't let him see it. Don't let him see you cry. Keep walking, Grey. You don't need him. You don't need anyone.

"Christian!" He called again.

I turned. He looked taken aback at first. Hid his surprise fairly well.

"Son, it's…are you okay?" He asked.

I felt like I was going to have a breakdown. I had never felt so much of a need to cry in my life ever. I felt like Rowan on the inside, sobbing away, pushing everything away, not sure what I needed.

"Christian, talk to me." He practically plead.

I collapsed on the ground. My own crying intensified. I couldn't breathe. I hadn't felt like this in a long time. I had never had anyone witness this before, not since I was a boy. I had hidden this for years.

"Breathe, Son. Try and slow your breathing." He whispered, crouching in front of me.

"I caused it Dad. I caused all of it." I got out.

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"Elena…she did it. She had a man do that to my little girl!"

"Elena? Elena Lincoln?"

"She did it to me too…but I was older. Rowan is a fucking baby."

"Elena did what to you? What are you talking about, Christian?"

"When you guys sent me to work for her. She…God, Dad. But I was a teenager. It wasn't that bad. I was fine. But Rowan is four. She's a child. Jesus, Dad. She fucked everything up. She paid Leila to keep her, then paid her monthly, then had my fucking baby molested regularly. She made her please a man. At her age! She's a fucking baby." I was fuming but sobbing. I couldn't breathe.

My father seemed torn. He wanted to ask me more, I knew he did, but he also wanted to calm me. He reached for me. I flinched away. He didn't stop. He put his hand on my shoulder…in a safer spot. He pushed my chin up to look at his eyes. They were red too. Tear filled.

"Christian, we had no idea…that should never have happened to you either. That should never have happened to her. We will get justice for all of this. Right now, though, Son…I need you to do something that feels impossible. I need you to calm down and be there for Rowan. We'll talk more about this. I want to talk more about this with you, but for now, I need you strong for her. I need you to calm down. I need you to breathe."

I did my best. It took a while. I was exhausted, but I calmed. He and I walked together back to my office. Mom was sitting on one of the chairs, holding a now much calmer Rowan, rocking her back and forth, singing to her. Rowan's little hand was twirling away at her hair.

Mom looked up at me. Her eyes were red…holding her own tears back too.

"Daddy's here, Baby." She whispered to my little girl.

Bloodshot, tear-filled eyes met mine. I felt a knot in my throat. I had pushed too far.

I wasn't a good father.

I had let my need for vengeance outweigh her needs.

I was so selfish.

You've always been selfish, Grey.

She's just a child.

She's, my child.

She deserves so much more.

"Rowan, I'm sorry." I offered, dropping to my knees in front of her. "I should have known better. I should not have upset you. I'm sorry, Baby."

"Daddy." She whimpered, reaching her little arms for me.

I was surprised, but lifted her, holding her close to me, intuitively rocking her.

"It's okay, Baby. You're safe. I've got you."

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for, Rowan. I'm sorry. I should never have pushed you so far. Daddy's sorry, Baby. So sorry."

She wore herself out, snuggling into me and falling asleep. I left to get her in her bed. She needed rest.

"Watch her, please." I asked Gail, who nodded quickly.

When I got back to my office, my parents were talking. My mother was crying.

"Christian?" My mother asked. "Is it true? Elena? How long, Christian?"

I know that tone. It's the calm before the storm.

"A few years," I mumble.

I don't want her to know. I don't want to tell her. I don't want them to know more than I already told my father. I don't want to hurt them, and I know it will.

I've known that since I was fifteen.

"How old were you?"

I swallow and my heart rate accelerates like a Formula One engine. Should I lie? Could I lie? I had already lied. Every time I saw Elena outside of the times she knew of, I had told her I was studying with a friend.

Mom's eyes are piercing. "Tell me. How old were you when it started?"

"Sixteen." I lie through a whisper.

She narrows her eyes and cocks her head to one side.

"Try again." Her voice is chillingly quiet.

Hell. How does she know?

"Christian," she warns, prompting me.

"Fifteen."

She closes her eyes like I've stabbed her, her hand flying to her mouth s she stifles a sob. When she opens them, they're filled with pain and unshed tears.

I would usually not say more, but I continue.

"She…how could she, Mom? My little girl?" Tears flow down my cheeks. "How many of us were there? I was fifteen, but has she done this to younger kids too? Or has she done what she did to Row before? I could have stopped her."

"No." Mom cut me off. "You were a child, Christian. A boy. And to think, all this time, she's been here…I've forced you to see her at family events. Your abuser."

I wince at the word.

Did I tell her about the adult components? The things after eighteen? It wasn't all illegal.

"I knew something happened when you were fifteen. She was the reason, wasn't she? The reason you suddenly calmed down, seemed to focus? Oh, Christian. What did she do to you?"

I would think she was overreacting had this conversation happened before Rowan, but Rowan had made me question everything. Rowan was so little right now, but even if I discovered this happening when she was fifteen…fifteen is a child.

"Oh, Christian…I've spilled my soul to her so many nights and to think…"

"My relationship with her has nothing to do with your friendship."

"Don't give me that bullshit, Christian! She abused my trust. She abused my son!" Her voice cracks and she buries her face in her hands.

"And she'll face the consequences. We'll learn how many victims she had. The statute of limitation for you may be up, but not for Rowan and we will figure out if there were others." My father was in problem solving mode.

As much as I wanted vengeance, I hadn't quite thought of my own role in that with Elena. I could see it in the tabloids now, "Christian Grey and Mrs. Robinson". "Cradle Robbing Lincoln", the options were endless.

"How did it start?" My mother asked.

"I…that doesn't matter." I shook my head. "What matters now is Rowan."

"I'll kill her." My mother's tone was something I had never heard before. I had no doubt she was serious. "I'm serious, Carrick. You better lock up the pistol or I'll do I'll seek vengeance myself. My child? My grandchild?"

My mother was crying more openly now. This was destroying her. My father was staying calm and collected, though I knew there was rage there…buried within.

My mother takes a few steps towards me. She reaches up and gently strokes my hair, like she used to when I was small. The only place she would touch me, because it was the only place I would let her.

"Oh Darling, you are so deserving of love. So, each to love. You always have been. You didn't deserve anything she did to you. You deserved so much more. I wish Dad and I had known." She whispered.

"How could she do it to Row?" I asked again, not expecting an answer.

My mother sighed, probably wanting to pull me into her arms, but she wouldn't. She knew it would panic me—or historically it would have.

"We will help you, Christian. You and Rowan. We will get through this as a family." My father spoke with confidence.

How I aspired to be like him one day. I could only hope to be half the father he was to me to Rowan.

"What do I do?" I whispered.

"She wants to be held." Mom told me. "She's not exactly like you in that regard. She craves safe and loving physical affection. Go hold her."

I hesitated. Could I do that?

"Darling, you're safe. She won't hurt you. Of all the people in this world, your little girl won't hurt you." My mother assured me gently.

I nodded. Without another word, I made my way to where Gail held Rowan. Little hands reached for me. I picked her up, holding her close to me. I swayed a bit, rocking her, holding her like my life depended on it. I did my best to hold back my own tears. I didn't want them to fall.

"Sing?" She whispered.

I nodded, trying to think of a song. The song my mother sang to me so many times spilled out of my lips effortlessly.

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know, dear
How much I love you
Please don't take
My sunshine away

The other night, dear
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you
In my arms
When I awoke, dear
I was mistaken
So I hung my head and cried

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know, dear
How much I love you
Please don't take
My sunshine away

Rowan slipped into a peaceful slumber. I carried her to her room, tucking her safely in her bed. My parents stood near, offering support through their presence. Once she was sleeping soundly, we stepped into my office gain. Judging by the brandy my father poured, I assumed I was in for more conversation about Elena Lincoln.