Rating: T for occasional language. Also see other warnings.

Disclaimer: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and all related characters belong to Nickelodeon.

Summary: Bradford has always blamed Michelangelo for his misfortunes and especially for his mutation so when he manages to capture the young ninja, he's going to make sure he knows exactly what it's like. 2k12 AU.

Warning: Warnings for physical and mental torture in this story abound, as well as for implied and highly disturbing situations. Trigger warnings may apply for some chapters. There will not however, be gruesome details. Some things are best left up to the imagination.

Comments, thoughts and concrit are always welcome.

A/N: Sorry about the extra delay in posting this chapter. I had wanted to post it a week or two ago but I was super busy and didn't have time.

Sewer Rat in Tuxedo: Sorry I've been slow in the writing and updating of all my stories. I've been a bit busier this year than the last few. But here's the next one and hopefully I'll be updating another in the next few days or so *crosses fingers*

toystorylover: Thank you! :-)

Guest: *pats gently*

J: Actually, I do post this and all my stories on AO3 as well as here – also under the name Zelgadis55. I still post here because this is the site that got me into Fanfic but I actually post on AO3 first (by a few minutes or so *shrugs*) as I also use it to run my final edit with Grammarly. It's a kinder, easier site than FFNet for editing :-P I usually also post when I update on Tumblr (when I remember since it's not like anyone notices me there anyway).

How Much is that Turtle in the Window

ch 48

Mikey sobbed quietly as the room started to darken at the edges and spin around him. What the hell was wrong with him? The damn collar was gone and had been for days!

"Come on, Mikey, concentrate."

The collar and the paws being gone was supposed to help but he was still just as helpless and useless as ever.

"In, two, three, four."

How had he ever thought he'd be able to regain some independence when he couldn't even breathe without help?

"Out, two, three, four."

The room wobbled badly and so did he.

"Mikey!"

-:-

"I thought that stupid collar being gone was supposed to make things better!"

"It was! It did!"

"Then why couldn't he breathe?"

Mikey groaned silently to himself. He wanted to know that too.

"It looked like a panic attack," Leo offered smoothly. "Don?"

"Hmm? Oh, yes. That was definitely a panic attack..." Donnie replied distractedly from somewhere off to the side.

Mikey refrained from moving. He so badly wanted them to stop talking about him but he wasn't ready to open his eyes and draw their attention yet. He needed time to breathe and settle his roiling emotions and fears.

"What was there to panic about though?" Raph asked anxiously. "Was it Casey or... or something else?"

"It may have been a combination of things," Donnie answered quietly. "It could have been anything, not even necessarily just fear but..."

"But what, Donnie?" Leo pressed a moment later.

"I don't know, Leo!" Donnie snapped. Then he sobered up and said so quietly that Mikey almost didn't hear. "I'm worried, guys. Something's not right but I don't know what. I don't have enough information."

Mikey frowned and finally opened his eyes before struggling upright. He felt totally weak and ragged. Like his body had been through the wringer. He glanced around, surprised to find himself in his room, in his bed.

"H-hey, Mikey," Donnie stuttered, rushing to his side with a wan smile. "How are you feeling?"

Mikey frowned and lifted a hand to press it lightly against his throat. {Hurts,} he admitted, hanging his head in shame, barely able to even look in his brother's direction.

"Hurts how?" Donnie pressed quietly as Raph rushed over to grab a nearby cup with a straw in it to hand to a grateful Michelangelo.

Mikey clutched his ruined hands around the cup as securely as possible and took a long drink before passing it back to his anxious brother. He turned back to Donnie and frowned.

{Lyk wen I got relly sick a few years ago. Sharp pain whenever I swallow.} He glanced nervously at Raph. {The water helped. Ty.}

Though it was obvious Raph hadn't followed everything he said without his notepad, he nodded with a smile at the thank you.

Donnie reached over to his forehead, then hesitated until he saw permission in Mikey's eyes and touched it lightly. "You don't have a fever," he confirmed softly.

He knew Donnie would have already known that but blinked once in acknowledgement.

"Mikey... what happened to your voice?"

Mai's eyes shuttered in displeasure. "Hmm, we really can't have that," She turned away and rummaged through an equipment drawer. Then, seemingly moments later, or maybe hours, Mikey was having a really hard time telling the passage of time right now, she returned with a large shining metal and leather instrument in hand, making him quiver in fright at the sight of it. Smiling, she held it up in full view of him, "This speculum is normally used to allow for the safe examination of inside horse's mouths but since yours is quite unusually large for a creature of your size, it should do the trick nicely for you too, Spot."

Now shaking in full-out terror, Mikey tried to push himself upright, tried to get to his feet and run but he couldn't move and he began to panic. "P-please don't," he begged desperately, his voice faint from disuse even to his hearing. "I'll d-do whatever you want me to but please don't..." As he spoke, squirming desperately in place, the woman took the opportunity to promptly insert the speculum into the weakly struggling turtle's mouth. To his horror, he felt flat plates pressed against his top and bottom teeth and his tongue before leather straps were tied behind his head, holding the device firmly in place. With tears of fear and indignation forming quickly in his eyes, he could do nothing as Mai twisted the screw knob to the side of his head and forcibly spread his jaw open wide until it ached. Then humming happily, Mai moved away again, returning a few minutes later and holding a large syringe with a long curved needle in hand. Mikey tried shaking her off as it, along with a small dentist's mirror, was inserted into his mouth and down his throat. He tried desperately not to swallow as he felt it shift around as Mai searched. Then, a twist and a jab and cold, thick liquid entered his flesh and he...

Mikey shrank back as he stared at Donnie fearfully and Donnie sighed minutely.

"I'm not trying to push you before you're ready to talk about it, buddy but I do need to know and... you did try to tell me a few days ago on the 'Umi Ryuu', remember?"

He did remember but that was then and this was now. The circumstances had been different. It had just been the two of them and they'd been talking about his time with the Foot in general. Donnie had been good, just listening quietly and asking occasional questions and he'd been ready to talk about it at the time. Now though, after the morning he'd just had and his safe home filled with virtual strangers... humans and... his father... they'd just had...

Mikey snapped his gaze back up to Donnie before shifting it to Raph and then Leo in semi-panic. He swallowed painfully, his throat really was sore for some reason, and tapped, {The funeral... wot... happened?} he frowned, fidgeting anxiously with his free hand against the blanket atop him.

His brothers looked at each other, Raph in slight confusion as he worked to translate without paper.

"We continued without you so April, Mr. O'Neil and Casey could speak, then wrapped things up," Leo explained softly as tears of frustration and guilt at not being there sprang unbidden to Mikey's eyes. "We haven't packed up or anything as Donnie never got to finish and we figured you'd want your say later. We figured if we got the others out the way this morning, we could have a more private goodbye later, just the four of us or if you prefer just yourself or you and Don."

Leo glanced at the side of his bed, obviously wanting to come closer and be there but stopping himself as he thought he might not be welcome. Then he smiled gently. "You don't have to worry, Mikey, no one's upset or angry with you for what happened, I promise. It was just too much too soon, that's all."

Mikey blinked up at Leo uncertainly. That might have been true but he still felt terrible and selfish. That memorial was for their father, the human-turned-mutant rat who had taken them in when his life was turned upside down and inside out. Their father and teacher who had loved them and nurtured them and turned them into the unlikely but close family they'd become.

Their father deserved better from him.

Better than him...

Raph suddenly sat down on the bed beside him, making Mikey jump as he whipped his head around to face him, eyes wide.

"Hey," Raph asked gruffly. "Was any of that," he waved his hands vaguely as he referred back to that morning, "because of Casey being here?"

Mikey looked away guiltily.

"It's okay if it was," Raph promised gently. "But we do need to know."

Casey played a part, indeed exacerbated his panic, but he wasn't the cause itself. Mikey lifted a hand and rocked it back and forth. Sort of.

"Okay, well, don't worry about it, okay?"

How could he not? Mikey looked plaintively at his brother, wishing someone had an answer for him.

"What about Mr. O'Neil?" Leo cut in a moment later. "You seemed fine with him last night but sometimes it can be hard to tell with you, especially when you're more focused on something else."

Hah! Focused. Now there was a word that wasn't normally associated with him unless it was lack of focus and everyone telling him so. Mikey looked away again, not wanting to meet anyone's eye. {A's dad is fine.}

"What makes him so different?" Donnie wondered curiously.

Mikey shrugged. {He's a good person.}

"So is Casey," Leo pointed out quietly.

{I remember A's dad. He's good.}

"But you're definitely having trouble with Casey being here." Raph sighed and looked at Leo and Leo nodded.

"I've been thinking of how to get people safely out of the lair and while I need to finalise a few details, Raph and I should be able to get Casey out tonight. Will that be okay?" Leo asked gently.

Mikey turned to look up at Leo gratefully. {U mean it?}

Leo smiled warmly. "I do. You feeling safe in our home is the most important thing. Just hold on a few hours, okay?"

Mikey smiled and gave a minuscule, half-nod. It was all he was capable of but that was so much more than he'd been capable of for months.

-:-

Later that night, Donnie equipped Casey with some breathing equipment and Leo and Raph took him out of the lair via the watery tunnel, his clothing stripped and stashed into a waterproof bag so he wouldn't be dripping and have to answer uncomfortable questions about impromptu swims later.

After his panic attack earlier in the day, Mikey had decided to stay in his room with the door firmly closed and much of it was spent sitting on the ground with his carapace to the door, only moving away when one of his brothers or April came to check on him.

Then, when Casey finally left, he came out, returning to the dojo to remember his father in peace with only Donnie with him.

Afterwards, as April organised dinner and Donnie and Kirby worked nearby on something, Mikey, grateful he had something to do to help (and keep his mind off things), went back to keeping watch on the security monitor.

Donnie had admitted to a MOUSER wandering nearby but otherwise, there wasn't a lot of activity by their home. However, other cameras interspersed throughout the sewers told a different story of MOUSERs and Foot searching meticulously and while he didn't want to leave home now they were finally back after so long, a part of him wondered why they weren't planning to go tomorrow. Especially since Donnie had said last night that he could easily do the things Kirby needed him to do in less than a day.

Finally, a couple of hours later, Leo and Raph returned home and dragged him away from the monitor for dinner followed by some rehab work before Leo slipped into the lab to talk with Donnie and Kirby while also taking over monitor duties for an hour before he and Donnie left the lair.

{Where are D an' L going?} Mikey asked anxiously as he stared at the pool of water his brothers had disappeared into. April, Raph and himself had moved over to the pinball machine for a game just prior to their other brothers leaving.

Raph grunted as he hit the launch button. "They're doing some security checks," he said distantly as he concentrated on the silver ball flashing through the field.

Mikey glanced up at him suspiciously. It wasn't like Raph to be distant or evasive. He was hiding something.

{So y rn't u with them?}

With Raph's attention on the game, April worked to translate, using Raph's notepad to help.

"Someone needed to be here with you, doofus," Raph snorted dismissively before cursing as he lost the ball.

"You lose, Raph," April laughed lightly, handing the notepad over and pushing him aside to take his place.

Raph pulled an annoyed face but moved without argument.

{A's here,} Mikey protested, looking from one to the other plaintively but secretly glad that Raph was here too. Still, his need for a brother to be nearby did not dispel his fear for their other brothers when they were away from home and safety. {U didn't need to be too.}

Raph levelled his intense gaze on Mikey before softening it as he shrank back fearfully. "Shit, sorry, little brother," Raph muttered apologetically. "Didn't mean to..." he waved his hands vaguely, "you know..."

Mikey blinked 'yes' and managed to straighten to look directly up at Raph.

"Look, April's great and all, don't get me wrong, Mikey, but if you think any of us are willing to leave you alone without one of us here with you anytime soon, then you got a screw loose." Then Raph paused. "What the hell am I saying? You've always had a screw loose. But you'd have to be completely nuts to think we're willing to leave you home alone without at least one of us nearby. This time, those two were the ones that needed to go," he shrugged.

Mikey sighed tiredly. While he was grateful his brothers apparently wanted to be with him, he was getting sick of needing to be babysat all the time. However, being alone half the day in his room had been hard enough even with his brothers just outside so he wasn't sure he could handle it if they all left. {Wot kind of security checks?}

"Surveillance," Raph replied evasively.

April turned her head slightly to give Raph a look and promptly lost the ball.

"Now who's the loser," Raph mocked.

"Wow," April said flatly. "I never said you were a loser, just that you lost."

"Eh, same difference," Raph retorted dismissively.

April jutted her jaw defensively before turning back to Mikey. "Donnie and Leo have gone to check out someone dad recommended, to see for themselves that he's safe."

"April..." Raph groaned in dismay.

April frowned at Raph. "Mikey asked and there's no reason to hide it."

Raph's eyes flashed angrily but he bit his tongue, not wanting to upset Mikey further. Mikey looked from one to the other anxiously.

{Y do they need to check them out? Who... r they?}

"Donnie needs help if he's going to try to fix your hands and Uncle Hannan can help."

A chill rushed down his shell. {Un...cle...?}

April smiled warmly. "Well, he's not actually my uncle, I just call him that. He's one of Dad's oldest friends and I've known him all my life. I uh... didn't realise until today that Uncle Hannan knows about you guys but he does and Dad's known that for about a year now."

Mikey shrank back uncomfortably.

"He saw you all during the Kraang invasion and realised you saved everyone."

Mikey's mouth opened as if saying 'Oh.'

"He realised because he saw me with you. He was one of the people the Kraang took off the streets," she continued lightly, trying to sound reassuring. "Donnie needs help now and he has the skills so they are checking him out to make sure for themselves that he's safe. I promise there's nothing for you to worry about. Okay?"

Mikey swallowed uncomfortably as he thought about it. Unlike him, his brothers could take care of themselves. Donnie wasn't alone, Leo was with him and April knew the person and liked them so it should be alright... but... but April also knew Casey and liked him too so what did that say? Mikey looked away from her and back in the direction his brothers had disappeared in.

"Trust me, Mikey, Dad would never knowingly endanger any of you," April promised softly. "You've done so much for us and he considers you part of the family too. If he didn't, he would've just sent me away alone to stay with distant relatives that I barely even know."

{'k...} Mikey replied hesitantly.

April smiled warmly. "By the way, it's your turn. How about you show me just how good you are now."

Mikey smiled and after a quick look at the screen of Raph's T-phone, (Kirby was on monitor duty so he didn't actually need to watch but it still helped him trick his head into letting him play) handed it carefully to April before pushing himself to his feet and shuffling precariously to the stool in front of the pinball machine.

-:-

It was several hours before Leonardo and Donatello returned and Mikey, Raph and April had long finished their game, seeing that Mikey was too tired from moving back and forth between the stools without the crutches to help. Instead, they'd moved to the pit where they worked on practising Morse for both April and Raph's benefit, along with some arm exercises once Mikey had rested enough.

Mikey looked up in a combination of worry, relief and excitement the moment his brothers returned. He quickly climbed the side of the pit and clambered to his feet before wobbling unsteadily to greet them, falling into a surprised and anxious Donatello's arms.

"What are you... are you alright, buddy?" Donnie spluttered slightly as Mikey fell.

{I'm fine. Just happy ur ok,} Mikey tapped gratefully against his brother's plastron. He sent a relieved look Leo's way also, to show that despite everything, he definitely meant Leo too. {Wot happened? Was that human safe?}

Donnie stared down at Mikey a moment in shock, then turned to Raph in dismay. "You told him? I thought we agreed not to say anything until we knew for certain!"

"Hey, don't look at me, I didn't tell him," Raph retorted, shooting an accusing look April's way.

"Mikey asked and I wasn't going to lie," April replied with a dirty look at Raph for ratting her out.

Mikey blinked uncertainly. So they actively meant to hide the truth from him, he wondered with a flash of hurt. He then shook his head rapidly. No, it wasn't like that. Donnie had just said 'until they knew for certain.'

"I explained how Uncle Hannan knew about you guys and that he's a good person who can help you, D."

Raphael grunted in agreement.

"Oh, okay."

"So have you decided if you'll take Hannan up on his offer?" Kirby asked from the entrance of the lab.

"That's something we have to decide after talking with Mikey," Leo replied firmly. "However, based on what we observed and our conversation with him, yes. It looks safe and I'm willing to take the chance."

Mikey's eyes widened in fear. Chance? What chance? Wasn't this human just going to teach Donnie stuff? Or... despite what Leo just said, did he think even doing that much was risky?

"By chance, Leo means opportunity, Mikey, not risk," Donnie murmured. Mikey looked up at him in confusion and Donnie smiled. "You tapped it out," he chuckled in light amusement.

He felt his face heat up and Donnie's expression softened.

"Don't be embarrassed, it's a good thing."

{How?} Mikey immediately questioned.

"Because it shows just how far you've come in the last few weeks, Mikey," Donnie explained warmly. "You've become so good with the Morse Code that you're able to use it by instinct instead of needing to concentrate on it. Maybe that means it's time for you to start spelling things out properly now?" he teased.

Pushing away the slight annoyance, Mikey waved his hand in a 'Pshaw!' motion, showing Donnie just what he thought of that stupid idea.

"Come on, let's sit down," Donnie suggested with a smile. "You look like you're barely able to stay on your feet. Though, I am impressed you that can now, for any length of time."

"Me too," Leo chimed in with a warm smile Mikey's way. "Your hard work is really paying off and it shows."

Mikey smiled at the compliment, pleased, as Donnie helped him back into the pit to sit down.

Leonardo, meanwhile, whirled around and walked from the room, returning a short time later with towels, one of which he threw at Donnie. Donnie immediately used it to dry off Mikey who had become wet from glomping onto him so quickly, before using it to dry himself off.

"Hey, if you're impressed with that, you shoulda seen him when we were playing pinball," Raph spoke up proudly as Leo entered the pit to join them. "He didn't use his crutches once and barely even leant on the machine until near the end. That's when we called it quits and came down here instead."

Donnie gave him an appraising look that somehow also looked relieved, while Leo commented amazement. Mikey blushed even harder than before.

"That's great! Because you do realise that if we fix your hands, you won't be able to use them until they heal and therefore, you won't be able to use the crutches anymore, either. Right?" Donnie asked, gazing at him.

Wait... what? Mikey looked up at Donnie in confusion and Donnie sighed.

"I would've preferred to leave this conversation until morning but we can talk about it now if you rather."

Mikey swallowed worriedly. That didn't bode well, he was sure.

"It's not going to be an easy conversation, Mikey," Leo spoke up from across the pit. "You've... we've all been through a lot today so I think it's better to wait but if you want to have it now, we can. It's absolutely up to you," he promised seriously.

Mikey looked around the pit at his brothers' and April's faces and all of them radiated concern, love and sincerity.

"There's no easy way to say this but while Donnie is willing to try to fix your hands, he doesn't have the knowledge or skills to do it," Leo explained seriously.

"That and he shouldn't," April piped up, squeezing Mikey's hand gently from his other side.

Mikey looked up at her, canting his head with a confused frown.

"Did you know that doctors aren't supposed to operate on family or friends?"

He blinked 'no.'

April gave a small smile. "There's a good reason for it. It puts large amounts of mental pressure and stress on them and because of that, there's a greater chance of making a mistake and can you just imagine the guilt they'd feel if something went wrong because of what they did?" She shook her head briefly. "And that could cause them to second guess themselves and make worse mistakes the next time."

He hadn't thought of that. Mikey swallowed and stole a glance at Donnie who smiled back ruefully with a shrug.

"She's right but given our limited options, I'd be willing to try for you," Donnie said softly. "However, I'd have a lot of learning to do before I could even think to attempt such a thing and quite honestly, I'm terrified to try and mess you up even more or put you through more pain and fail anyway."

Mikey swallowed and looked down. At his hands. He was being so selfish, asking Donnie to do this and it was unfair. He'd already put his brothers through so much this last year, how could he put Donnie through more now? Especially when he could just learn to cope.

And he was already learning to cope. Sure, he struggled all the time but he was already learning to hold a fork with his limited grip, along with cups and Donnie had already replaced the tap handles so he could use them and half the door handles in the lair. He could just do this and take the pressure off of Donnie. It might take some time but he could do it.

He looked up at Donnie, determined. {It's ok, bro, you don't have to fix them. I'll just work harder and lern to use them lyk this.}

Donnie stared at him a moment before spluttering. "Wait, you... That's not what we're getting at, Mikey, and I wouldn't willingly leave you in this state!

He then paused and took a deep breath, calming himself for Mikey's sake as Mikey shrank back, eyes fearful.

"Mikey... we are not having this conversation because I don't want to help you or because it's too much pressure or anything stupid like that, we are having this conversation because another option has come up. A good one, a better one."

Mikey sat there staring at him, stunned.

"Kirby... Mr. O'Neil..."

"Kirby is fine for all of you," Kirby cut in with a small smile.

Donnie nodded gratefully in the man's direction, then focused back on Mikey. "Kirby has a friend who can and more importantly, is willing to help you.

Mikey stiffened as his earlier conversation with April and Raph came rushing back to him. That human they had gone to check out, the one April called uncle. His throat seemed to constrict, limiting the flow of air. He closed his eyes, desperately trying to get his breath under control again but too late. Donnie had noticed.

"Mikey," Donnie warned, "I'm going to put my hand on your arm and I want you to focus on the feel of my hand on your scales, the sensation, the warmth. Feel it and just breathe," he commanded quietly, soothingly, as he slowly moved his hand back and forth lightly in a calming, almost meditative fashion.

Mikey swallowed and kept his eyes closed, trying to shut everything else out but the touch of his brother's hand.

"Trust me, Mikey, Dad would never knowingly endanger any of you," April had said only hours before.

Right, that's right, April called this human uncle because she trusted him...

She also trusted Casey though and so did his brothers and Casey hadn't actually done or tried anything other than to try to help him a couple of times. It was his instincts, instincts that he used to be able to trust, which were wrong and messed up after everything the Foot had done to him. The shame and self-loathing well to the surface again but he worked to push it aside.

Donnie wanted to help but couldn't but he said there was another option and Mikey needed to hear him out. He owed him that much, at least, so with effort, he finally managed to get his breathing under control and opened his eyes again, looking at Donnie expectantly.

{Wot's the other option?} he tapped tentatively.

And Donnie smiled and explained.

-:-

A/N: *bounces excitedly* Getting super close to moving on to the next stage of the story! I'm still in the middle of working on the next chapter so I'm not sure if that will be when they leave the city or the one after. And that's when the real healing will finally begin.