I think the lightsaber fight in the first script is too weak. Kylo isn't really trying, meaning Finn and Rey are in no danger. This here attempts to make that fight more exciting for the audience by giving Kylo a clearer plan, greater character arc, and making him a legitimate threat for our protags with a more cold-violent fight. All changes are underlined. I'm not rewriting the original fight because while it is boring without stakes, there is no way that it would take a serious Kylo even ten seconds to kill them both.
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167 Agnomenon's Royal Contact Room 167
All black room. Hux and Kylo Ren stand as equals, waiting. Eepha Ren is on the side closer to Hux but only stares at Kylo.
HUX I suppose if even the Emperor fails punctuality, there is hope your delay has gone unnoticed.
KYLO The traitor needed to be found—
HUX Your privilege to an opinion, Knight of Ren is denied! Especially until this meeting concludes. No second humiliation by you.
The three silently wait. Hux sighs, tapping his foot.
Suddenly the hailing signal. Hux waves his hand, and Emperor Zaltan appears as a hologram before them.
HUX & KYLO For the glory of The Empire!
ZALTAN At ease. You are behind schedule Vice Admiral Hux. This coordinated attack is on a strict timeline.
HUX Apologies for your grace. We have been preparing for the final charge. I assure you no time has been wasted on this vessel.
ZALTAN Hmph. Waste no further, all ships are here. Your position will be with Admiral Rastan Palpatine, on left proximal dorsal. You cover medial.
HUX We will arrive in haste.
ZALTAN You have yet to present a traitor's capture.
HUX There is nothing to report—
ZALTAN Not you, Vice Admiral.
KYLO Your grace, I am under an oath of silence.
ZALTAN ...No longer. State your peace.
Eepha Ren ends her focus on Kylo.
KYLO The traitor, with the prisoner, found a collaborator. They escaped Faldur.
ZALTAN And you just let this happen?
KYLO Never, sir. I tracked them down and cornered them on the backwater planet of Su'Ka'Lay. I captured the collaborator and had the greater two in my grasp. I withdrew under threat of death by Vice Admiral Hux, who sought to keep your schedule.
ZALTAN And what has the new prisoner stated?
KYLO Seemingly, the traitor has no knowledge of the greater mission. He has said nothing.
ZALTAN You told Hux all this, and he still made this decision?
KYLO The Vice Admiral silenced me before a situation report.
ZALTAN Acting so rash while in ignorance
KYLO He is still ignorant to the most troubling finding. A Jedi Master was in the same area as the traitor.
Both men look at Kylo in surprise and panic.
ZALTAN A Jedi Master!?
KYLO They attacked us separately. It is possible the traitor's skill with the Force is so weak, the two never came into contact, as the Vice Admiral had speculated.
ZALTAN ...the traitor has given no information as far as we know?
KYLO Yes.
Zaltan calms down.
ZALTAN This was far too sloppy... Had it not been for our speed, this error could have had time to metastasize fatally.
Zaltan thinks as the two men stay silent.
ZALTAN (cont.) After the culmination of our victory here today, there will be nowhere the traitor can run. It will be your private assignment, on my order to hunt the traitor down. Understood Knight of Ren?
KYLO Sir!
ZALTAN Vice Admiral Hux. General Organa has yet to take your bait. If this oversight leads to the destruction of your own plan, you will suffer every indignity becoming of such failure. Understood Vice Admiral?
HUX Sir!
ZALTAN I expect you in position in ten. May the Empire never fall.
Zaltan leaves. Hux is humbled and hesitant now.
HUX ...A Jedi Master, eh?
KYLO Yes.
HUX ...I'm sorry for being so crass, Kylo.
KYLO I am a Knight of Ren. Your apology is unnecessary.
HUX Stop that. You're not just some throwaway Ren like this one here. It was my mistake using this lesser Ren...
Hux then points to the House Hux sigil on Kylo.
HUX ...against my favorite. I apologize completely. Eepha Ren, you return to full command under Kylo Ren. See to it, Kylo. You never let me blunder like this again.
KYLO Of course...
Just as they are all taking their leave out the Private Comm. Room, Kylo keeps them both inside.
HUX Kylo?
Kylo speaks in a desperate, worried whisper.
KYLO Delete all records of the new prisoner.
Hux eyes Kylo strangely. He looks to a droid.
HUX Droid, delete all records regarding prisoner 3-8-1
The droid accesses the ship memory, Hux then scans his sigil ring and punches in the codes.
HUX She's gone. Now what's all this about Kylo...
Kylo shows the earring.
HUX Super composed diamond? Did that prisoner have it? Is that yours that was taken forever ago?
Kylo shakes his head.
KYLO The prisoner is powerful Force user. The most anyone has ever seen. And SHE had THIS.
Hux starts putting it together
HUX ...no that's impossible. Oh the planet was formerly under Galencia, oh my— but no, that can't be Kylo
KYLO I have to learn more.
HUX Kylo... it isn't the child. We have her synoscan—
KYLO And it was an odd reading every time. There are ways to hide from a scan. Ways she would need.
HUX There are ways, yes, but none like this. Never that I've seen... Kylo you are my friend. But I know you can be obsessive. Would we do a more thorough scan, and the findings returned identical, you would still insist on fantasy. Tell me otherwise!
Kylo stays silent.
HUX I know you want to believe this. It's strange she even has the high Force abilities... But even if it was her Kylo... what are you expecting?
KYLO We can hide her.
HUX Of course! Everything in my newfound power! But what is that compared to his? Zaltan will learn. He will punish. We will die, and... it won't be like with you, she will be become THAT
Hux gestures to his Eepha Ren. Kylo looks away.
HUX ...this is your dilemma. I'll support whichever action you take—
KYLO You are right, Vice Admiral.
HUX A rare response.
KYLO There isn't any hope then.
HUX Odd statement. We are ending the war today!
KYLO And now nothing can oppose Zaltan.
HUX What shall you do friend?
KYLO I'll kill her. Once we are done here.
Hux nods and puts his hand on Kylo's shoulder.
HUX It's not her. It's no one anymore.
Hux takes his hand off, takes a deep breath and puff out his chest
HUX Well, back to being heroic men of command, Kylo Ren! With me!
Hux leaves the room with Eepha and Kylo after him.
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181 Kylo's Place of Peace (THE BIG FIGHT) 181
There is a red light instead of an orange light now. We return to a fading Rey.
REY Please... anyone... I just want to go back home...
Rey softly sobs when suddenly a blue lightsaber cuts open the door. A Finn —covered in muck from the drains— enters! BB8 can't quite make it over the new opening and waves.
FINN Wow, these things are good!
REY FINN! How did... is this real?
FINN We came to save you, Rey. But we have to hurry.
REY Finn! You're amazing!
FINN Jedi, right?!
Finn mimes the same gestures he made in jest back this afternoon on Faldur. Then carefully slices off Rey's binds and turns off his blade. Rey gets up and embraces Finn.
REY Thank you so much, Finn! You have no idea how scared I was.
FINN Hey, hey! It's alright now! I could actually feel you call out to me!
REY (laughs) Ohh, really?
FINN Yeah, I guess the Force, right?
REY Haha!
FINN ...Let's get out of here!
Kylo Ren enters, Force-dragging the bodies of Poe and Vilpus by each of their heads.
Kylo presses the sigil on his chest, communicating with Hux.
KYLO Vice Admiral, I have the traitor.
He drops the bodies and begins circling the two. Finn holds his arm out to protect Rey as they both back up.
HUX Good, kill him! He's the last evidence. We have finished destroying the ship in Hangar 7.
Finn's hope sinks.
KYLO ...the prisoner is with him.
HUX KYLO THAT PERSON IS NO ONE. Zaltan will exterminate us. Kill them both!
KYLO ...sir.
He turns the sigil off and addresses a terrified Finn and Rey
KYLO Your treachery has swallowed us all.
Finn whispers to Rey, keeping his eyes locked on the invincible enemy ahead.
FINN Rey...
REY Yes...?
FINN You need to use your power.
REY Finn, I can't control—
FINN I need you! I will go in close. You keep far away and throw anything you can at him! We need to make an opening.
REY ...has anyone ever beaten him?
FINN ...we will.
Rey nods and backs up. Finn approaches Kylo.
Finn activates his lightsaber. The blue glow highlights his entire day leading up to this: all the sweat, sand, cuts, muck.
KYLO You even found a Jedi weapon.
Kylo unleashes his malign red lightsaber, still keeping his distance. Finn says nothing, keeping focused on Kylo's blade.
KYLO Unprecedented!
Kylo makes the first strike. Finn blocks it but still falls. He scrambles up, keeping the lightsaber readied at Kylo. Rey is now behind Kylo.
Finn tries to strike. Easily blocked, Kylo kicks Finn. Finn remains standing and swings again, backing up Kylo. The knight instantly covers the distance with a hard-overhead swing. Finn barely brings his sword back in time to block. Kylo pushes the blades down, Finn screaming while feeling the heat so close to his face. After trying and trying in the background, Rey is able to toss her holding table. Kylo dives out of the way, and it narrowly misses Finn.
FINN Yeah! That's perfect, Rey!
KYLO I should change the order of executions.
Kylo turns his back to Finn and heads toward Rey.
FINN NO!
As Rey retreats further, spinning tree branches around the two men, Finn lunges toward Kylo's back. Kylo turns and with one hand locks blades with Finn, while the other lands a brutal gut punch. A gasping Finn steps back swinging his saber, missing everything, then returns to guard recomposed. Kylo then lunges with a flurry of attacks to abuse his panic. But Finn keeps perfect focus narrowly blocking every reckless fearsome every hit. Kylo is a touch impressed.
KYLO You are a fine soldier...
Kylo twitches a finger and sends Finn into the wall, dropping his weapon. Kylo blows away all the twigs and branches in the process.
KYLO (cont.) But barely a Jedi.
Kylo points his saber directly at Finn and drags him slowly toward the blade. He struggles and tries to grip his feet while reaching out to his lightsaber.
REY NO!
Rey grabs the wall this time, closes her eyes, and in swinging her arm, throws half the wall at Kylo. Kylo has to let go of Finn to slice the incoming rubble and emerges without a scratch. A large piece of debris hits Finn. His forehead bleeds and he staggers getting to his lightsaber.
KYLO Nor a you a Jedi, witch.
A flick of Kylo's wrist and the remainder of the wall collapses behind her, she screams as she is buried. Finn dives on the knight, but without even looking Kylo parries and Force-pushes the lightsaber out of his hands. Kylo uses the Force to choke the now unarmed Finn. As life seeps out of his face, his eyes begin to close. As Rey struggles to emerge from the rumble we see her unleash the most energy we have seen; trees, pipes, loose technology, debris, sparks fly violently around. Nothing affects Kylo. He drags a now unconscious Finn close to chop off his head, Rey finally frees herself just as blade sits at his neck:
REY FINN!
With one last burst, Rey shoots lightning erratically from her fingertips. Kylo reflexively changes his guard to block, dropping barely-alive Finn to the ground. Rey has no idea what to do now, no idea how long it will last. she only knows she must aim the storm at Kylo. It burns and carves into the floor on its reckless approach.
KYLO Where did you gain this power?!
The blast smashes into Kylo, pushing the master back. Stay electric tails scatter all around him, its overpowering. They stay locked in place, only a little bit more will topple Kylo, just a touch more! Then Rey realizes: she hasn't been breathing since the lightning started, she has been suffocating herself the entire time. Immediately on this discovery, her focus splits. The lightning stops. Rey and Finn collapsed on the ground, each panting. Kylo stands above them, unharmed. He waits.
He thinks about killing Finn first. Then He walks over to the coughing Rey.
KYLO A curiosity. All this. Yet you are no one. Nothing! I can't believe anything else. It would destroy me!
He drags her hand up to his helmet, pinning her neck between the ground and the guard of his sword.
KYLO (cont.) So show me the impossible! Show me what you are!
Rey cries as a jolt snaps from her hand into Kylo. Visions of scattered memories reversing in time flood around him as he searches and searches and then, for that last second: a woman's face behind a glass medical cradle.
He breaks the hold, lets Rey go. Walking away dazed, forming new plots ahead.
KYLO So it's true... There it is...
Kylo just stands there for a time. Looking up at the empty ceiling. Plotting. Finn and Rey too worn to move.
KYLO This is what must be:
Kylo turns his lightsaber off, then brings Finn's lightsaber into his hand with the Force. He casually heads over to Finn, holding it out for him. Finn takes it, confused.
KYLO (cont.) Finn, the great traitor, bested Kylo Ren, took his private ship "The Eagle" and destroyed the Vice Admiral's Star Destroyer "Agnomenon." Saving the nameless prisoner will go completely unnoticed with all those accomplishments. You'd both agree?
There is extreme confusion on both heroes' faces. Kylo Ren sighs and takes his helmet off. Princely features. He is still young, not much older than Poe. Above his right eye is a metal disc the size of a bottlecap. He takes out Rey's earring from a pocket.
KYLO This is yours... as it is mine. The Imperial Family members' super composed diamond. An exclusive jewelry. I thought it must have been scavenged off a corpse, but... miraculously, it was inherited. From one member of my house to another. Keeping House Galencia strong.
Rey and Finn are growing less confused. Breath has returned to both.
KYLO (cont.) Listen Rey, I saw her within you, the princess Silva Galencia: The Empire banished her, but after a long silence, she provided evidence of a pregnancy. A child with a midichlorian count ten times higher than the nearest recorded. I saw you Rey.
Kylo sits down on rubble, and stares at the earring.
KYLO (cont.) She wished to return and bring with her the Sith Emperor who could form greatness back out of this galaxy. She was to meet with Emperor Zaltan in the Outer Rim. Zaltan never appeared. The Republic came in his place. They fired on her ship, butchering her. Her child. I thought.
Kylo seems emotional. Rey and Finn now understand and are transfixed.
KYLO (cont.) Zaltan leaked the information. He will not give up his power. He gave me this:
Kylo points to the metal on his head.
KYLO (cont.) A bomb. Ready to go off if I ever stake a claim against him —if he ever suspects disloyalty. It is not your time yet to return home, Rey. I am sorry. I am not ready. And neither are either of you, both far too weak to challenge the will of Zaltan.
Kylo looks directly at Finn.
KYLO (cont.) I need you, Finn. I will let you leave, if you take her to Luke. Both your pilot and Jedi live, simply in a trance—I kept them alive to prove my innocence of my admiral's insubordination. The droids can be sent here, with the codes for my ship. Take The Eagle, take Rey to Luke. And when I am ready... bring her back. Make this deal, and I swear, your life is free.
Finn gets up, clips his lightsaber on his belt. He helps Rey up, and they check Poe and Vilpus. Kylo told the truth. They look at each other. Then Rey's eyes stare off, struck by terrible revelation.
FINN You don't have to, Rey.
Rey ponders on that. A pause. Her answer:
REY ...I want to.
Kylo gets up and puts on his helmet.
KYLO Then we are all in agreement. I will alert Zaltan of your victory in fifteen. I will destroy this ship in only two before that. Hurry.
Kylo walks between them and out the door. He turns to Rey and softly places the earring in her palm.
KYLO You have a family that loves you.
Kylo leaves. Finn and Rey stand still in shock.
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This concludes the changes in this script, though the second would need change as well. Because Kylo has to bring up the genetic scans in this script, they need to be brought up in the second as well. Probably the third too. Currently it is only implied in the that Epherath abused her position as head of security to lie about Rey's results while she used her spa dates with Rey to better research what exactly Rey is. Now that the audience will be asking "what about those scans?" Epherath would have to explain them at some point in the already bloated second script.
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For me personally, these move the script up from 6/10 to 7/10. And 7/10 will max out a setup script. I am not sure how much more can be improved without making a real story instead.