Dear Diary.
I haven't written in a while, so let me catch you up. After we purged the Circle tower of blood mages and abominations, the mages agreed to help us against the blight. They've also arranged to send a boatload of mages and lyrium to Redcliffe in a few days time, once they've had a chance to rest and recover. By Grayson's estimation, if they leave in three days, they'll still be there before us. Apparently the journey across Lake Calenhad takes about half a day by sailboat. I asked why we didn't just sail from Redcliffe to Kinloch Hold in the first place and was met with evasive muttering, although Grayson later assured me that Redcliffe's fleet was made up mainly of rowboats, most of which were badly damaged during the attacks on the village.
On the plus side, if we hadn't travelled across land, we wouldn't have been ambushed by a murder of Antivan Crows a couple of days ago and we wouldn't now have Zevran with us. I'm glad he's here, mostly because I know he's supposed to be. Other than that, all he's contributed so far is innuendo. I'm pretty sure if we were back in my world, he'd already have sent out unsolicited dick pics to everyone in the party. Leliana was highly suspicious of him to begin with - hazard of the bard trade, I guess - but he's so transparent in his self-interest that even she seems to think that he's being genuine. She's still a little wary of him, I think, but they appear to be getting along okay.
Alistair's still being weird but he seems to be talking to me again, at least. He talked me down from a panic attack after the Crow ambush and it seems to have softened him towards me a little. Sometimes it's like everything's fine and we're joking around, and then other times it's like he suddenly remembers that he thinks I like to punch kittens in the face for fun and he goes all broody again. Stick a white wig on him and give him a couple of tattoos and he could pass for Fenris. I'm pretty much sticking with my plan of just ignoring it and hoping it'll go away. More on that story as it develops.
In other news, I can't stop thinking about Cullen. It was just so heartbreaking, seeing him like that. I hope his path is easier this time around. I don't know why it would be. I said some nice things to him but words are cheap. They won't stop the night terrors. I know that everything will work out for him, in the end. I just wish we could have reached him sooner and spared him from suffering. But maybe Flemeth's right. Maybe changing things too drastically, even if it seems like a kindness, can have a devastating outcome. Maybe if we had saved him from that torture, something worse would have happened to him. Or maybe he had to go through that to become the man he's going to be. It doesn't make it suck any less, but it might help me sleep a little better at night.
The ache in my chest that I get whenever I think about Emily is now joined by dreams of darkspawn, and seeing the face of the woman I killed whenever I close my eyes, so sleep's not the easiest thing to come by right now.
Anyway. I should go. I've just finished bathing and I've been sitting here shivering for the last twenty minutes. I need to warm up by the fire immediately. There's a smell of something closely resembling swamp gas coming from camp. Alistair's cooking again. We really need to ask Wynne to step in. I can't live like this.
I shoved my diary back into my pack, swiftly braided my still-damp hair into a messy plait, and headed back to camp to find everyone already huddled around the camp-fire.
I took my seat and wordlessly accepted a bowl of questionable stew from Alistair. I didn't want to seem ungrateful but I also thought that saying "thank you" would have come across as incredibly disingenuous given the lumpy brown mess he had just presented me with. I resisted the urge to ask if it was a Feastday Prank.
Morrigan was still insisting on setting up her own camp a good few yards away from the rest of us, but I turned to see Grayson handing her a bowl of stew with an apologetic shrug and, rather than rejoin us, he took a seat next to her. She didn't set him on fire so I took this to mean she didn't object to his company.
"So, you are the only remaining Grey Wardens in Ferelden?" Zevran asked, obviously continuing the conversation they had been having before my arrival. Alistair nodded, chewing. "And this Loghain who hired the Crows, he believes you are a threat to his reign? And you, my dear Leliana, you are a cloistered Chantry sister?"
To Zevran's credit, he masked his doubt well, but I thought I caught the ghost of a smirk on his face.
"I was. I left the Chantry to aid the Wardens in ending the blight." She said, shortly, with an air of finality. Zevran nodded, but I could tell he had more questions that he was no doubt filing away for later.
"And the goal is to find and, preferably kill this...how do you say? Archdemon?"
"Si." I said, brightly, still pushing my food around my bowl. "Il capo di tutti'i capi."
"The boss of all bosses." He translated. "You speak Antivan."
"Only...a little." I stopped myself just in time from saying "only what The Godfather taught me".
He nodded in the direction of Morrigan's camp.
"And what is her story?" He asked, his eyes glinting curiously in the fire-light.
"Who, Morrigan?" I asked, bravely swallowing a mouthful of what I could only presume was salted leather. He nodded, watching her intently.
"She is a strange, fierce woman." The way he said it didn't sound like an insult – quite the opposite, in fact. I grinned, following his gaze over to the witch's camp.
"Morrigan is…well, she's like a cat. She shows up if you leave food out for her but most of the time she just comes and goes as she pleases. And sometimes she brings dead things home with her."
"I've always been more of a dog person, myself." Alistair sneered, clapping a hand to Larry's head. He growled, lazily, and Alistair swiftly retracted his hand, grinning dopily at me. "Well…the little fluffy ones, anyway."
"Like a cat..." Zevran mused, pensively.
Alistair nodded, enthusiastically.
"Som'ines she'ish a cah." His voice muffled as he attempted to speak through a mouthful of food. Zevran frowned at him in confusion, clearly thinking he'd misheard.
"Don't talk with your mouth full." I scolded on reflex, like I would a young child, and Alistair rolled his eyes, petulantly.
"Morrigan's a shape-changer, one of her forms is a cat." Leliana explained, answering Zevran's question before he could ask it. He raised his eyebrows.
"How...interesting." He purred, with a wicked glint in his eyes. I wrinkled my nose in disgust.
"Don't get any gross ideas." I snapped, and Alistair choked on his food. Zevran held up his hands, feigning ignorance.
"I know not of what you speak." He said, innocently.
"Maker preserve us." Wynne muttered to herself.
I forced down the last of my meal and jumped to my feet. "Okay, that's it for the Q and A portion of the evening." I declared, judging from their faces that nobody had any idea what I was talking about. "Who's up for some light sparring practice?"
There was a chorus of groans and I crossed my arms, frowning.
"I said light." I protested. "Come on! We've been riding for the last two days, I'm getting restless. I need an activity. You've seen how much I eat. I think I'm getting a paunch."
Wynne chuckled, shaking her head, but saying nothing.
"Well don't all rush at once to tell me I'm not." I grumbled, tapping Leliana pointedly as I passed her. She rose to her feet, reluctantly, and we fought for a while without weapons or contact. She called it two-step sparring, and it felt more like dancing than fighting. She was incredibly graceful, but it was subtle. It was so subtle that if you weren't paying attention, you might think it was a natural grace, but I knew it was the product of years of arduous training.
She still hadn't come clean about her chequered past, and I wasn't sure when she would, but every now and then when she was blocking or striking, her carefully constructed mask would slip and I would catch a glimpse of the steel that lay behind it.
One by one, our companions joined us, forming a semicircle around us on the grass. Grayson remained at Morrigan's camp, talking about God knows what, but the rest watched. Wynne looked on with an air of concern and I could tell she was primed to heal any accidental injuries that might occur; Alistair studied us with a critical look in his eye, no doubt cataloguing my mistakes to correct later; Sten looked bored and Zevran's expression was unreadable.
Eventually, Leliana declared that she was done, and she settled herself down on the grass beside Wynne. Alistair rose to his feet and tossed my dagger-holster to me and I caught it, one-handed. He brandished his sword, pointedly.
"Should we suit up?" I asked, glancing over at my armour heap. I noticed that Alistair was dressed only in his leather pants and cotton tunic, and I had opted again for yoga pants and a vest top - lighter than my t-shirt but less likely to make him blush than my sports bra.
He shook his head.
"No, I'm not going for blood, I just wanted to-"
"Fix me?" I guessed. He threw me a lopsided smile and I knew I was right.
"Don't get me wrong, you're good." He offered, as he started to circle. I matched his steps, unsheathing my daggers as I did so and letting the harness drop to the ground. When we were both facing the opposite direction from where we had started, he stopped. "But your movements are...mechanical. Your technique is good...but technique isn't everything."
He came at me without warning, and I brought my daggers up just in time to deflect his blade. I grunted, pushing him backwards, and ducked under his next attack, stepping inside his sword arm to press my dagger to his throat, but he anticipated me, blocking and striking. We went on like this for a while and I got more and more annoyed with myself as he seemed to anticipate my every move. Leliana called out words of encouragement and I practically dived at him, but he side-stepped me and followed up with an attack of his own.
He knocked me onto my back but he had been overzealous in his advance and he carried the lunge through, landing on top of me. He shifted himself onto one arm, raising his sword over my head, poised to kill. I looked up at him, breathless, and not just because he had knocked the wind out of me. I was also acutely aware of every inch of his muscled body, now pinning me to the ground.
"Your technique is flawless. But I'll always beat you." He panted. I clenched my teeth in frustration.
"Why?" I demanded.
"Because you were keeping your eyes on my sword." He muttered, quietly, lowering his weapon. "Everything you need to know about a man's next move is already in his eyes."
I looked up at him, my gaze sharpening and focusing on his eyes. I thought that he was right. A man's next move is in his eyes...and I suspected that neither of us were thinking about swordplay any more. We stayed like that for a few seconds longer than we should have and Wynne cleared her throat, pointedly, breaking the spell.
"Uh, so..." Alistair coughed, scrambling to his feet. "That's probably enough for tonight. Good work."
Before I could respond, he nodded at each of our companions in turn and walked off in the direction of the river, swinging his sword in front of him as he went. I threw my daggers down in frustration and watched him with my hands on my hips; it was only then that I realised that everyone was staring at me. With the exception of Sten. He still just looked bored. I turned to face my audience.
"This awkward moment was brought to you by your friendly neighbourhood Grey Wardens." I declared, curtseying deeply. Leliana applauded, politely. Zevran and Sten rose to their feet, heading back to the camp-fire. Zevran flashed me a wicked smile as he passed which I promptly ignored, before flopping down on the grass beside Leliana and Wynne.
"Well, that was...interesting." Leliana said, carefully. I shot her an icy look, but thawed instantly under her amused gaze. I groaned in frustration.
"I can't get a bead on the guy. One moment he's my friend, the next moment he hates me, and the moment after that, he's..." I trailed off, gesturing emphatically in the direction he'd walked off, unsure of how to finish my thought. Leliana quickly stifled a laugh and shrugged.
"If it's any consolation, it's incredibly entertaining for the rest of us." She offered.
"Yes, thank you. That's a great comfort." I muttered.
"Do you wish to talk about it?" Wynne asked, passing me a water-skin.
"I really don't." I replied, accepting the skin gratefully. "I don't even know what there is to talk about. I don't know what's going on with us right now."
"Don't you?" Leliana raised an eloquent eyebrow and I caught her exchanging an amused look with Wynne.
"If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting..." I started, in a warning tone.
"What do you think I'm suggesting?" She asked, innocently.
"Oh, no. I see what you're doing." I shook out the last of the water at her and she yelped and laughed, gleefully.
"Oh, you are impossible!" She cried, shoving me. "Will you please just go and talk to him?"
"And say what?" I demanded. "Hey, Alistair, couldn't help but notice you've been acting insane lately, what's up with that? No, I'm not talking to him."
"You're not talking to who?" Grayson's voice from behind us made us all jump and he chuckled.
"Well, now I'm not talking to two people." I muttered, recovering myself. I looked up at him. "Can I help you or did you come over here with the sole intention of giving me a heart attack?"
"Let's take a walk. I want to talk to you about a couple of things." He said, throwing me a meaningful look. I had been avoiding this conversation. I knew he wanted to talk about the ambush and I still didn't have much of an idea of how I was going to explain how I knew about it, but I couldn't tell him the truth. Still, I knew I couldn't put him off any longer.
"Sure. Let's go for a moonlit stroll in the woods. It might give these two something else to gossip about other than Alistair and I." I rose to my feet, sticking my tongue out good-naturedly at the women just as they started to protest and Leliana threw me an exasperated look as I followed Grayson out of the campsite.
We walked in silence for a while until we were near the river, well out of earshot of the rest of the camp. He heaved a weary sigh and I looked up at him, nervously.
"So." I said, quietly. "You wanted to talk to me?"
"I do." He replied, looking down at me. "How are you feeling?"
"Oh." I hesitated, surprised by the soft-ball. "I'm...fine, I guess. I'm keeping it together."
"You didn't keep it together the other day." He said, apologetically. I felt my face grow hot with shame.
"No, I didn't. I'm sorry. It won't happen again." I promised.
"That's not..." He shook his head. "I was worried about you. We all were. Alistair..."
"Alistair?" I prompted, when he trailed off.
"We all were." He repeated. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm sure I will be." I replied, diplomatically. "But that's not what you wanted to talk to me about, is it?"
"No, it's not." He agreed. We walked a little further until we reached the riverbank, and he sat on one of the larger rocks, gesturing for me to sit next to him. "I'm not certain of where to start...so I'll just start at the beginning. There are things about you. Things that you say and things that you know that I just can't explain to myself. I've tried. I want there to be a simple explanation but I just can't find it. I was hoping you could help me.
"Alistair told me about the letter you gave him before our Joining. You knew what would happen to Daveth and Jory. You knew that Loghain was a traitor when nobody else even suspected. How is that, Lauren?"
I took a deep breath.
"I just...know things." I said, lamely. "I don't know how to explain."
"You found Sten's sword but didn't want to take credit for it. You knew that we were being ambushed before it happened. You knew that templar's name in the tower, when there was no way you could have. And when I found you in the Fade...what was that place, Lauren?"
"Grayson, I...these are all good questions. I would be surprised if you weren't suspicious."
"I didn't say I was suspicious, Lauren. But I get the distinct impression that there's something you're not telling me. Something big." He looked at me with pleading eyes and I almost broke down and told him everything right there.
"There is something." I confessed. "And it is something big. And if I could tell you everything, I would. I really want to, Grayson. But I just can't."
"You're not Starkhaven nobility, are you?" It wasn't a question. I looked away from him, miserably. "You're not from Thedas at all...are you?"
I glanced up at him and we locked eyes. I couldn't bring myself to deny it to his face.
"No. I'm not from Thedas." I admitted, biting my lip. He nodded in acceptance, but the lines on his brow deepened further.
"Will you tell me where you are from?" He asked, doubtfully, running a hand through his hair.
"I think you know that I won't." I replied, apologetically.
"Lauren…" He started, his voice low and dangerous. I turned to face him and gripped his shoulders, looking deep into his eyes.
"Grayson, do you trust me?" I asked, fiercely. He studied me for a moment, and the lines on his brow softened slightly.
"With my life."
"And what about with the entire future of Ferelden? Of Thedas? Do you trust me with that? Because that's what I would be risking if I told you or anyone else the answers to the questions you're asking me right now."
He studied me silently for a few seconds before turning away to look at the river. He let out a low whistle.
"That's...a lot."
"Yeah. Tell me about it." I scoffed. "Most girls my age get to worry about boys or gaining weight. I get to worry about the fabric of the universe unravelling if I put my foot in my mouth. And boys. And gaining weight."
"Lauren, you're asking me to take a lot on faith here." He said, eyeing me uncertainly.
"Yes." I replied, with a curt nod. "I am. So the question now is...how much faith do you have in me?"
"Look...I'm not saying that I believe that the sky would fall if you told me the truth right now." He started, and I fought the urge to roll my eyes at his flippant tone. "But I do believe that you believe you're doing the right thing. It seems to be working for us so far so...who am I to say that you're wrong?"
"Wait. So...you just believe me? Just like that?" I asked, suspiciously.
He shrugged.
"Lauren, so far I've agreed to bring an apostate, an assassin and a murderer along with us, to name just a few. I trust you more than any of them. I believe that you're sincere, if nothing else. At the moment, that's good enough for me." He flashed me a half-smile. "Besides, you don't exactly strike me as a master manipulator. I know you think you're a good liar but you're really not. You're probably the worst liar in the group, with the exception of Alistair."
I rolled my eyes but couldn't conceal the smile of relief that spread across my face.
"Come on." He said, standing and pulling me to my feet. "Let's head back. The others will talk if we're gone too long."
"Oh, let them talk." I replied, pulling him into a hug. "You're my best friend, you know." I whispered. He rubbed my back and I could hear the smile in his sigh.
"I know." He said.
"You're supposed to say it back." I growled in his ear. He laughed, and pulled out of the hug.
"Come on, kitten." He teased, turning to walk back to camp. We naturally fell into our usual pattern of good-natured bickering as we walked and I was reminded of his ability to tell me apart from demon Emily in Sloth's trap.
"I've been meaning to thank you." I said. "For saving me in the Fade. I really owe you one for that. I'm not sure how I could have taken down four demons with a skillet."
"I'm sure you would have found a way." He grinned. "But it was no problem, the dreams themselves were fairly easy to end. The hard part was reaching you all in the first place. I felt like I was there for days."
"You really had no problem with convincing any of us that it wasn't real?" I asked, curious as to whether his experience had been different from my in-game one.
"Not really." He shrugged, nonchalantly. "I figured out pretty quickly that if I killed the demons, I freed the dreamer. The only challenging dreams were yours and Alistair's, and only because I had to figure out which you was...well, you before I attacked."
"Why was Alistair's a problem?" I asked, puzzled. He threw me a strange look, as if he had said something he shouldn't have.
"Well, I had to figure out who the dreamer was and who the demon was." He said, slowly.
"Wasn't it obvious? What with him being all Alistair-shaped?" I frowned, raising an eyebrow at him.
"Um...no, not as such." He said, carefully.
"Why not?"
"Well..." He cleared his throat, uncomfortably. "Because in Alistair's dream...you were both there."
I laughed, sarcastically, punching his arm. His expression didn't change and I narrowed my eyes.
"You're serious?"
"Serious as the plague." He said, grimly.
"But...what does that mean?" I demanded.
"I don't know. You're the girl of his dreams?" He chuckled, in spite of himself and I threw him a thoroughly dirty look.
"That's not funny." I spat, glowering at him.
"It's a little bit funny." He reasoned.
"Well, did you ask him about it?"
"Of course I asked him about it." He replied, smirking. I raised my eyebrows at him.
"And? What did he say?" I demanded.
"Lauren." His face grew serious and he took a step towards me, placing his hands on my shoulders. "I want to tell you. I really do. But if I tell you what Alistair said to me, the fabric of the universe might unravel and I just can't risk that."
His face broke out in a mischievous grin and I glared at him in disbelief.
"I hate you. You know that I hate you, right?"
"You love me. I'm your best friend." He replied, confidently. I roared in frustration and marched away from him, and the sound of his laughter followed me all the way back to camp.
AN: Thank you to my beta, Kira Tamarion. I promise I'll figure out how google docs work soon!
Thanks you to Baconlord53, Chimera Spyke and guests for your reviews, you guys are awesome.
Chimera Spyke: There will definitely be some unforseen changes in Thedas due to Lauren's presence, quite possibly continuing into DA2 and DA:I timelines. After all, she has played all three games and she doesn't have an encyclopedic knowledge, but she knows all of the major players and events and she's trying to keep everything to herself right now because of Flemeth's warning, but who knows how long that can last? I won't spoil anything though :P