AN: So I feel like I've got some 'splainin' to do. I'm sorry for leaving you high and dry for months, life just got a bit wild for a little while, but it's calming down a little now. Don't hate me.
I woke with a start, panting and shivering, cold sweat clinging to my brow. Of all of the nightmares I'd had in my brief time since becoming a Warden, this had been the most vivid of all. I slowly pushed myself into a sitting position and focused on breathing deeply until my racing heart slowed to a reasonable pace. Every time I blinked, I saw it all again, like the scene was emblazoned on the inside of my eyelids. I had been in the Deep Roads, looking down on an endless sea of darkspawn. In that moment I had felt weak, naked, insignificant...and then I saw it. Nothing had prepared me for the terror that struck my heart when the Archdemon reared back its head and screamed out its terrible call.
I shook my head, trying to clear my mind of the visions and swore under my breath.
"Get it together, Lauren. Get it together. It was just a nightmare." I told myself, trying and failing to ignore the whisper in my mind that spoke in Morrigan's voice as it reminded me that, it wasn't just a nightmare though, was it?
I sat back against the headboard and stared at the ceiling for a few moments, trying to clear my mind. The events of the day before came trickling back to me and I frowned, remembering the decisions I had still to make.
I wondered if skipping Denerim and going straight to Haven was really an option. Supposing I came up with a reasonable explanation to convince Grayson that Haven was where the ashes were, I wasn't sure that we would even find it on a map. As far as I could tell from conversations that I could remember from the game, it was well hidden and, though I knew the general area, I wouldn't be able to pinpoint it accurately enough, and we might just end up wandering around the wilderness for days or weeks on end. It was a small village, after all, surrounded by mountains and a whole lot of nothing.
I decided that it couldn't hurt to ask around, discreetly. Feeling a little better that I at least had the start of a plan, I settled back down onto my pillow, turning over possibilities in my mind.
There was a soft knock on my bedroom door. I frowned, glancing at the window. It was still dark outside, hardly a sociable hour, but even if I could get back to sleep, I was sure I didn't want to. There was no refuge in sleep anymore, not with the Archdemon lurking there.
I groaned, forcing myself out of bed and realising as I stood up that I wasn't quite as hangover-free as I had initially thought. I combed my fingers through my hair and flattened down the skirts of the dress I hadn't bothered changing out of the night before as I made my way to the door and opened it a crack to see Alistair's concerned face looming out of the darkness in the hallway.
"Morning." I said, gruffly, suddenly keenly aware how bad my post-ale morning breath must be. I turned around and headed back over to sit on my bed, letting the door swing open as I did so and gesturing for him to enter. "What's happening?"
"Did I wake you?" He replied, apologetically, closing the door behind him.
"No, I was awake." I assured him. He hovered awkwardly by the door for a few moments, cracking his knuckles. He was barefoot, dressed in a simple white tunic and brown cloth pants, and it made him seem younger, somehow, than his usual bulky armour. "Sit, if you like." I offered, smoothing down the bed sheets beside me. He joined me on the bed, wordlessly, and cleared his throat. I was numbly aware that this was the first time we had been alone together since he had kissed me the day before, and I knew I should probably be feeling as awkward as he seemed to be, but I had other things on my mind. "I trust you have a good reason for accosting me before sunrise without bringing me breakfast."
"You saw it too, didn't you?" He said, gently. I could feel him looking at my face for my reaction and I forced myself to keep my expression passive.
"Yeah, I saw it." I confirmed, briefly meeting his searching eyes before dropping my gaze again. There were too many questions in those hazel orbs and I didn't have any answers that would satisfy them. "Grayson?"
He nodded. I swore under my breath.
"That was rough. Nice that we get these little reminders of how gargantuan the fight ahead of us is." I grumbled.
"Yep. And we're the only three people in Ferelden who are up to the task." He replied, with a grimace. "You know, you seem to be handling this pretty well. I've seen the Archdemon a few times since my Joining, but this was the worst dream I've had by far."
"It was my second worst." I muttered under my breath, forcing away the images of my sister's final moments. He threw me a questioning look and I forced a smile. "It was terrifying. But it's nice to know that we don't have to face it alone. We have each other." I took his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze, which he returned with a smile. He inched closer to me and raised his other hand to my cheek. I leaned into his palm, instinctively, smiling contentedly at the warmth of his touch before remembering all of the reasons that this was a bad idea. He seemed to sense my hesitation and withdrew his hand. The second he did, I wished he hadn't.
"As long as you're okay. I just wanted to check on you." He said, softly. I nodded, gratefully, and he stood up, making his way towards the door. "I'll let you get back to sleep. It's early, still."
"I don't want to go back to sleep. I feel like the second I close my eyes I'm going to see it again." I confessed. "I could eat, though."
He smirked, good-naturedly.
"Come on, then. I'll take you to the kitchens, see if we can't scare up some food. I doubt even the servants will be awake at this hour but I know my way around a skillet." He said, with all the confidence of a man who hadn't overcooked every single meal he'd ever served me.
I quickly washed up, cleaned my teeth as well as I could without Colgate and dragged a brush through my now wavy hair, and we made our way quietly down to the kitchens. They were as empty of life as predicted, and Alistair headed to the pantry, emerging a short time later with his arms full of food, while I rattled about the kitchen to get a feel for where everything was. I surveyed the ingredients: there were about two dozen eggs, some bacon strips, flour, milk and butter.
I grabbed a large mixing bowl from one of the cupboards and started to crack eggs and sieve flour, while instructing Alistair to heat up two pans and start to fry up some bacon. We cooked together, chatting pleasantly and he watched curiously as I flipped over my first pancake. I was a little surprised to discover he had never eaten a pancake before, to my knowledge they'd been knocking about Earth since Roman times, but I assured him they were delicious and a real, traditional, Starkhaven breakfast food.
A little while later, we sat across from one another at the little, rough wooden table in the kitchen where presumably the servants ate their meals, with two large stacks of pancakes and bacon, and I watched his face as he savoured his first bite of fluffy, pancakey goodness. The look of ecstasy on his face, coupled with the groan of pleasure that can only be elicited by good food and, I imagined, good sex, made me giggle.
"Maker, what have I been missing?" He asked, and I threw my arms up, dramatically.
"I'm a woman of many talents." I exclaimed, shovelling a forkful of buttery pancake and bacon into my mouth and melting with satisfaction. "I haven't had pancakes in so long. When I was younger, my dad used to make them every Sunday and we'd all sit around the table and eat and talk. Of course, that was back when my dad actually liked me so...what, about ten years ago, give or take?"
I smiled warmly at the memory, before being hit by a sudden unexpected wave of sadness. I realised that those Sunday mornings with my family really had been the best time of my life. That's why the sloth demon had chosen one such scene to entrap me back at the Circle Tower. I hastily wiped away a tear with my sleeve and caught Alistair's eye, forcing a smile and rolling my eyes at my own sentimentality.
"You don't get along with your father?" He probed, gently. I shrugged.
"I used to. He was my best friend when I was younger. I was his favourite, and Emily was my mum's favourite. They didn't say it, but they didn't have to. My dad liked me because I was loud and funny as a child, and my mum liked Em because she was quiet and girly. Then, when I got a bit older, it's like all of the reasons he'd liked me became the exact same reasons he stopped. I was too loud. I didn't take anything seriously enough." I muttered, stabbing another piece of food with my fork in annoyance. "When I was little, we didn't have much. We weren't poor, but we weren't particularly well off, either. But we had each other, and we were happy. When I was around ten, my father's businesses started to really take off, and all of a sudden we had a big house, fancy car...riages," I corrected myself, quickly, "expensive clothes...but dad just wasn't around any more. And when he was, he was angry. He was never...present. It was like we were all just an annoyance, like we were holding him back or something. And then, when we turned twelve, Emily and I were shipped off to a fancy all-girls boarding school for the next seven years of our lives, with rare visits home. Our parents became...strangers." I laughed, mirthlessly. "I know, I know. Poor little rich girl, etcetera, etcetera. There are a lot of people who had it a lot worse than I did. You, for example."
He averted his gaze, studying the food on his plate.
"It can't be easy. Being back here." I said, softly. He gave a non-committal shrug and I smiled, sympathetically. "You're allowed to be angry with Eamon, you know. And Maric, for that matter. You deserved better than either of them gave you."
He started to protest, almost as a reflex, before sighing.
"You're right. And I was angry. I was angry for a long, long time. The Arl came to see me once, after I left. He brought me a gift...I guess you could say it was a peace offering. It was my mother's amulet, the only thing I had left of hers. I was so angry with him that I threw it across the room and it smashed into pieces. So stupid. I've regretted it ever since. You just can't hold on to anger like that. Or at least I couldn't. I don't know if you've noticed but I'm not exactly pleasant to be around when I'm angry." He said, raising his eyebrows pointedly.
"Oh, you mean the whole thing where you were ignoring me for weeks? Nah, didn't notice." I grinned. He reddened, slightly, but returned my smile. "You're right, holding onto anger is useless. In the end, the person you hurt the most is yourself. I'm not angry with my dad. He's just a guy. That's the problem with parents. We grow up thinking they know everything, that they can fix anything. But they're just people. They fuck you up, parents. And they were fucked up by their parents. And we'll fuck our kids up. Circle of life."
"Our kids?" He said, quizzically. I choked on my pancake and laughed.
"Not our kids. Just...you know...generally speaking. I don't suppose either of us have that to look forward to, anyway. It's probably for the best. I don't know if you've noticed but...I'm not the warmest person. I don't think I have a single maternal instinct in my body." I smirked, shaking my head. "I mean, I love kids. I don't understand people who say they hate kids. Like, okay, we get it, you don't want children of your own but you can't hate all kids. Kids are the embodiment of innocence and fun and good. Disney villains hate kids. Just doesn't make sense."
"Dis-knee villains?" He asked, frowning.
"Yeah, it's...doesn't matter. The point is...what was the point again?"
"I think it was...parents, who needs them?" He offered, helpfully.
"Right. Right...exactly." I grinned, returning to my food. "Anyway, we have a new family now."
"What do you mean?" He asked, setting his cutlery down on his now empty plate.
"Well...we're each other's family. All of us. You, me, Grayson...you guys are all I have."
"I didn't realise you felt that way." He said, a little taken-aback. I nodded, setting my own cutlery down. "I know you said you see Grayson as a brother, but...where do I fit in?"
"Well...I'm not sure yet." I replied, honestly.
"Oh." He looked away for a moment, before clearing his throat. "Not like a brother though...right?"
I couldn't help but grin at the devilish look on his face and I shook my head.
"Definitely not like a brother." I assured him, and he blushed pleasantly.
"Good. That's something, at least." He chuckled. The sound of a door slamming somewhere nearby made us both jump, and I noticed with amusement that Alistair's hand instinctively shot to his hip, where his sword usually was. "I guess the castle's starting to wake up." He muttered, relaxing back into his seat, and I thought there was a hint of disappointment in his voice. I couldn't blame him. It had been nice, just spending some time together on our own. "Anyway, before the others join us, I've been meaning to talk to you about something. Speaking of family...when we go to Denerim, there's someone there I have to meet."
"Oh." I said, suddenly crestfallen. I had completely forgotten about Goldanna, and the sudden reminder threw me. I didn't suppose there was any way I could spare him this particular gut-punch without giving away far too much information, and the thought of it pained me.
"Grayson knows already but...I have a sister. Well, a half-sister. She lives in Denerim apparently. We've never met and I don't think she even knows about me. I know we have a lot going on but I just wouldn't feel right, being so close by without at least seeing her."
"That's...great, Alistair." I forced a smile, but it must not have been very convincing because he frowned before apparent realisation dawned on his face.
"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be insensitive...here I am going on about my long-lost sister when you've just lost-"
I cut him off, reaching across the table to take his hand.
"Don't be silly. One thing has nothing to do with the other." I assured him. "Sorry, I think it was just...the thought of being in Denerim. So close to Loghain." I lied. He squeezed my hand, before swiftly bringing it to his lips and planting a light kiss across my knuckles, almost instinctively.
"Thank you. For breakfast." He said, softly. "For the first time in as long as I can remember, I don't feel like Alistair the Templar or Alistair the Grey Warden. With you, I just feel like...Alistair. You don't know how good it feels to just...be."
"It was my pleasure." I replied, touched by his words. We shared a smile, and the moment stretched on. It was there again, that same connection that, try as I might, I just couldn't deny. It felt like… "Home." I muttered, aloud. "When I'm with you, it feels like home."
"I was just thinking the same thing." He breathed. Before my brain could engage, instinct took over and, with my hand still in his, we stood, in unison, reaching across the small table for each other. I slid my free hand up his muscular chest, over his broad, solid shoulder and he snaked his rough, calloused fingers around the back of my neck, pulling my lips to his. I let myself melt into him, and the world around us fell away. With my eyes closed, he was all that existed in that moment, and no logic in this world or mine could have mattered as much as the softness of his lips, the taste of his tongue, the scent of his skin, the urgency of his touch.
This kiss was what the first one should have been. The first had been brief, gentle and sweet. If the first kiss was air, the second was fire.
And if the second kiss was fire, the sudden arrival of Bann Teagan and Lady Isolde was a bucket of ice-water.
AN: Thank you for everyone who has stuck with this story so far, thank you for everyone who has reviewed and faved and subbed, again I'm SO SORRY for the extreme delay, I have a few chapters already written and I plan to stick to a regular, probably weekly, uploading schedule. If anyone has any preference for which day of the week you would prefer, let me know.
Thank you to my amazing beta, Kira Tamarion, the most efficient beta reader on the entire planet. If you would like to check out her (amazing) DA fics, you can find a link to her page under my Favourite Authors tab.
Please subscribe and review, and shout at me if I take too long to upload again. Thanks, bye, love you.