The only thing that existed in the darkness was him. His hands, his mouth, his body. We were a tangle of limbs, breathless with exertion and pleasure, and I could hardly tell where he ended and I began. It didn't seem to matter. This was what we were made for. No two people had ever fit together more perfectly than us. He was so mild-mannered around everyone else that the dominance he exerted over me when we were alone was all the more surprising and wonderful. With every touch we were discovering something new, about each other, about ourselves, about the world.

His weight on top of me was almost too much too bear, but I never wanted to be without it. It was the only thing keeping me from floating to the ceiling. All of that solid, rippling muscle, that perfect, golden skin, blond curls matted with sweat.

"Lauren," He breathed into my ear. "I love you."

"Oh, Cullen..."

I woke with a start, drenched in cold sweat.

"Shit." I whispered to the darkness, trying to blink away the images still imprinted in my brain. "Shit!"

Alistair stirred beside me, cracking open a sleepy eye, then blinking when he saw the look of horror on my face.

"Hey." He said, hoarsely. "Are you okay?"

"Shhh. Go back to sleep. I didn't mean to wake you."

"Bad dreams?" He asked, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me closer.

I didn't answer, only snuggled closer to his chest. He was asleep again in seconds, his breathing deep and even and peaceful. It hadn't been a bad dream. It had been a very good dream. It had just featured the wrong blonde Chantry boy. I screwed my eyes shut, shaking my head.

It was just a dream. I scolded myself. It doesn't mean anything. Dreams are crazy. Remember that recurring dream you used to have about Falkor from Neverending Story only he was evil and then he wasn't Falkor, he was a shark, but then you were the shark and you had orthodontic braces and all the other sharks kept swimming away and hiding from you? Utter nonsense.

I couldn't quite shake the guilt that had started to claw at my chest, but I was somehow able to drift off to sleep again.

When my eyes fluttered open for the second time, sunlight was already pooling in through windows. Alistair was awake already, laying on his side, propped up on an elbow.

"Good morning." He breathed, with a shy smile.

"Were you watching me sleep?" I asked, suppressing a laugh.

"It's the only time you ever stay in one place long enough for me to watch you properly." He replied, unabashedly, stroking my hair. "You're worth watching. Worth waking up early for. You are so perfect."

"Perfect?" I raised an eyebrow, chuckling under my breath, and raised a finger to the painful, under-the-skin pimple that was currently brewing on my chin. "I'd like to introduce you to Gavin." I said, tapping the tender skin. "Gavin is an old friend, he comes to visit every couple of months."

"Nice to meet you, Gavin." He said, politely, before his face broke out in an amused grin. "Wow. That's incredible."

I pulled the bed-sheet up to my nose to hide the monstrosity on my chin, frowning.

"No, I don't mean the blemish." He said, yanking the sheet back down. "I mean it's incredible that you really think something like that could stop you from being perfect."

"Alistair, I don't know if this much cheese is recommended as part of a balanced diet." I groaned, rolling onto my side to turn away from him. He let out a bark of laughter and rolled me back over to face him, kissing me. I grinned up at him, reaching out a hand to brush his temple, studying his face.

"You're such a beautiful man." I said, sleepily. "How do you look so fresh and dazzling when you've just woken up? I look like a bag of smashed assholes, all bed-head and pimples, and you're just lying there like you've stepped off a photoshoot for Men's Health."

"Am I supposed to know what that means?" He asked, grinning. I shook my head.

"No. All you need to know is that you are truly the most gorgeous specimen of human I've ever laid eyes on."

He rolled his eyes, but couldn't help smiling at the compliment. I wasn't trying to bolster his ego. I really felt that way. Looking up at him, watching the little muscles around his mouth twitch, noticing the tiny white smile lines at the edges of his eyes that the sun had missed against the perfect, golden glow of the rest of his face, losing myself in the green and amber flecks of his hazel eyes, I wondered how there had ever been a time when I had looked at him and not thought that he was a God made flesh.

I thought back to our first meeting. I probably was attracted to him on some level, but I wasn't drooling and falling all over myself. I wondered if this was what love did. I didn't think it was rose-tinted glasses. Not really. I wasn't looking at him and seeing something that wasn't there. I wasn't imagining that the shape of his eyes or the curve of his lips were more beautiful than anything I had seen before. I was looking at him and seeing everything. Maybe love just helps you to see someone completely...or maybe seeing him completely was the reason I loved him. I didn't suppose it really mattered either way. All I knew was that the dream I had had about Cullen was just that: a dream. This man before me was all I would ever want.

"Are you hungry?" He asked, and I shivered slightly when I felt his fingers brush my spine. "I could bring you some breakfast."

"Later. I have other appetites that need to be sated first." I whispered, seductively, and his eyes immediately darkened with lust. It was like he had come fully fitted with an On-switch that only I knew how to flip, and he had seemingly endless battery-life. I was quite certain that if I wasn't a Grey Warden, I could never have matched his stamina.

Every touch, every caress, every movement was painfully sweet, and I knew I would never grow tired of this. Of him. There were times I felt that he was pushing me to the borders of my own sanity. He teased me, relentlessly, and when he finally stopped, when he finally gave me what I needed, it was almost too much and, somehow, would never be enough. I had always known that sex would be fun, I wasn't that naive. What I hadn't been prepared for was the onslaught of powerful, raw emotion that came with it. When we collapsed into each other, some time later, I was mortified at the dry, shuddering sob that ripped through my chest.

Alistair's head snapped up to look at me, flicking beads of sweat onto my face, and I laughed, wiping the moisture away, even as silent tears streamed down my temples.

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" He asked, urgently, and I shook my head.

"No, you could never hurt me." I promised. "I don't know. I think this is like...a rush of Oxytocin causing a chemical imbalance in my brain that's short-circuiting my emotional control panel."

"And...in the common tongue that means…?"

"Chicks are crazy." I grinned.

"Chicks?"

"Girls. Well, that's not fair. That's sexist." I said, chewing my lip, thoughtfully. "Me. I mean me. I'm crazy. You make me crazy. Or, more accurately, sex with you makes me crazy."

"Shall I take that as a compliment?" He asked, with a roguish smile.

"Absolutely." I breathed, sighing contentedly. "You're amazing."

"Well, what can I say?" He replied, with false bravado. He pushed himself up, kissing me before rolling out of bed. I pouted at the absence of his body on mine, and he grinned down at me.

"Nature calls." He said, running a hand through his sweat-drenched hair and padding barefoot to the washroom. I sighed, stretching and rolling onto my side to face the window. The sun was high in the sky, and I wondered how long we had been lost in one another for. It must have been hours. I thought of Morrigan, and wondered if she had found the knights yet. An unpleasant knot formed in my stomach at the reminder, and I squirmed. There was no point in wondering. Wondering and worrying wouldn't make her fly any faster. All I could do now was wait.

"What's this?" I hadn't heard Alistair return and the sound of his voice from behind me gave me a start. I remained where I was, waiting for him to come back to bed. When several moments passed and he didn't move, I frowned, looking back at him. When I saw the parchment in his hand I sat up, swivelling around to face him, watching him hesitantly as he read. I realised Cullen's letter had been left lying on the floor where I had tossed it the night before. I hadn't even finished reading it. Eventually, Alistair's eyes flicked up to meet my own, a bemused expression on his face. "Lauren, what is this?"

"It's nothing." I replied, too quickly. I silently cursed myself for acting so suspiciously. I had the inappropriate Cullen sex-dream to thank for feeling so on edge. I shook my head, gathering my thoughts. "I mean, it's not nothing, obviously." I grinned, nervously. "It's...you remember Cullen...the templar we saved in the Tower?"

He nodded, wordlessly, his mouth a hard line.

"Well, we've been keeping in touch. A little. He's written to me a couple of times, and I've written back."

"I see." He said, bluntly. I waited for him to say something else, but he just stood there, frowning at the letter in his hand.

"He was worried about me." I explained. "He wanted me to let him know that I was okay. And I was worried about him too. After what happened to him...the torture he was subjected to...I felt like I had a new understanding of what he was going through, after what happened to me. I wanted to let him know that he had someone to talk to. Write to. You know. Because I'm a nice lady. And-"

"Please stop...explaining." Alistair cut me off, raising a hand. He dropped the letter onto the bedside table, turning to look at me. He opened his mouth several times, before apparently thinking better of what he was about to say and closing it again. Eventually, he took a deep breath. "Do I have to be worried about this?"

"No." I insisted. "I know what it looks like, but I-"

"Do you?" He asked, with what might have been a smile of amusement if it weren't for the flash of anger in his eyes. "That letter...this man is clearly infatuated with you. And you've been writing to him but you've never even mentioned him to me. Do you see where I'm going with this, Lauren? Put yourself in my position. What would you think?"

"First of all, he's not infatuated with me." I insisted. "We're friends."

"Oh, yes, I suppose he's writing to you because he developed such a strong bond of friendship with you during the five minutes that you spent together. Grow up, Lauren." He spat, angrily, and I glowered at him, leaping out of bed and drawing myself up to my full height, standing toe-to-toe with him.

I only barely registered the fact that we were both still naked when Alistair's angry expression faltered as he glanced down at my body, before shaking his head, reminding himself why he was annoyed in the first place.

"Is it so difficult for you to believe that someone might be interested in being my friend?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.

"Oh, no you don't. Don't try to turn this around on me." He fumed. "You're in the wrong here and you know it."

"It is possible for two people to be friends, you know. You read one letter, jump to a conclusion and land on my chest? I love you, you moron."

"Well, I love you." He snapped back. "I would never look at another woman, let alone write secret letters to one behind your back. Imagine! Imagine this was the other way around, how would you feel?"

I faltered in my response, realising that I would not remain calm if I thought he was talking to some other woman behind my back. But this hadn't been behind his back, not intentionally. Well, that wasn't strictly true. I had felt guilty about it, but only because of how I had felt about Cullen when he was a fictional character in a game. The rules were different now, and that was hardly something I could explain to Alistair. I mean...yeah, granted, I had had a sex dream about Cullen but...it had been a dream. I had no control over that.

What little control I did have, I had surrendered to Alistair. I had given myself to him completely. I hadn't even flirted with Cullen, I didn't fantasise about him, I wasn't in love with him. I had no romantic intentions towards him of any kind because I loved Alistair.

I frowned up at him, with renewed certainty.

"I would be angry. But I would give you the benefit of the doubt. If you would extend me the same courtesy, I would appreciate it." I said, in a low, even voice.

His face was still red with anger, but his expression softened slightly.

"Alright then, fine. Will you please explain why you kept this from me?" He asked, frowning down at me.

"I didn't think you would approve." I replied, honestly.

"Well, no, I don't approve." He said, placing his hands on his hips in an authoritative stance that instantly sparked a flame of rebellion inside of me.

"You don't have to. I'm still going to write to him." I said, defiantly.

"You're still going to…even after-" He stuttered, looking appalled, letting out a mirthless laugh of disbelief.

"Yes, Alistair, I am." I said, firmly. "You don't have to approve. But you either trust me or you don't."

"You can't talk to me about trust when you deliberately kept this from me." He said, shaking his head. "You can't have it both ways."

"What are you actually worried about here?" I asked, narrowing my eyes. "I'm not some silly simpering idiot who'll be swept away by the first guy who writes me a letter. I'm hard work, or had you forgotten?"

He shifted, uncomfortably, and I knew he had recognised some truth in my words. He lowered his eyes to the floor.

"No." He said, sullenly. "I just don't see why you would choose to do something even after I've told you that I'm not okay with it."

"Because it has nothing to do with you." I said, frustrated, struggling to find the right words. "Look...you and I are together. I love you. But that doesn't mean we get to control each other."

"I don't want to control you." He snapped in annoyance. "I just think this shows a complete disregard for me and a total lack of respect on your part."

"I'm sorry that I kept this a secret. That was shady of me. I'll hold up my hands to that. If the roles were reversed, I would feel awful. I would." I said, softly, realising as I said the words just how hurt I would be. "I didn't mean to betray your trust. It just...didn't feel like that big of a deal. But I made that decision without you, and that's not how this should go. But...don't you know that I'm yours?"

I reached up a hand to touch his face and he jerked out of my reach, refusing to meet my gaze. I dropped my arm, staring at him until he finally let out a reluctant sigh and looked down at me.

"I'm yours." I repeated, firmly. "It doesn't matter who else I speak to. I don't see their faces, Alistair. They don't register. I love you. In a really big, terrifying way. I know it's not an excuse, I knew that I was lying by omission...but when you're me, you get used to having to keep certain things to yourself. I lie by omission every day. There's so much that I don't tell you because I can't."

"Oh, no, this isn't the same thing." He said, dismissively. "This isn't knowing the future, this is having a secret relationship with another man, regardless of the nature of said relationship. It's not just the letters, Lauren, it's the lie. That's what hurts. The letters just...make me jealous." He confessed, quietly.

"What could you possibly have to be jealous about?" I whispered. "Look at me."

He did so, reluctantly, and I searched his eyes.

"You have me. All of me." I promised. "I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I lied. But I'm telling you, you have nothing to worry about. You have nothing to be jealous of. I promise you. Nobody's ever had me the way you do."

"Am I not enough?" He asked, his anger melting to be replaced by a look of deep hurt. "If I have nothing to worry about, why would you feel like you have to keep secrets from me?"

"Of course you're enough." I breathed, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my head in his chest. "I told you. This isn't about you. It's difficult to explain."

"Try." He said, softly. "Help me to understand."

I took a step back from him, sitting on the edge of the bed and covering my nudity with the sheet, hugging myself as I thought of how I would explain the connection I had with Cullen without undermining Alistair.

"When you said that this isn't like seeing the future...that's not entirely true." I said, frowning down at the floor. "I shouldn't be saying this, not even to you...but Cullen's going to be important. Not to me, not...not like you are. But he's going to be important to the world. I saw it...that's how I knew his name, back at the Tower. Do you remember?" I chanced a glance at his face, and he nodded, slowly.

"I knew him, even though we'd never met. So when he wrote to me...I knew I had to write back. I knew that I had to do whatever I could, however small, to make these next few months as easy on him as I could. If sending him a letter with a few kind words every few weeks will help him, it's the least I can do. You saw how broken he was. He needs to get through this. He needs to become the man he was always meant to be. Not for me, but for everyone. I only wanted to help, in any small way that I could. I just didn't think I could explain that compulsion to anyone else...least of all you. So I kept it to myself. Because I do know how it looks, Alistair."

I looked up at him, trying to read his expression. He crossed his arms, frowning in thought, before finally moving to sit beside me.

"I...suppose that makes sense. In a completely insane kind of way that makes no sense at all...but it doesn't make any less sense than anything else about you." He muttered, and I nodded, sadly.

"I know." I said, quietly. "I know that I make everything harder. This...shouldn't be so messy. I'm a complication. I'm dangerous. I'm probably more of a threat to this world than the Blight is. I don't mean to be. I just know things that I shouldn't."

"Well, then...I'd say it's a good thing that you're on our side." He said, with a wry smile. "I just wish you had told me. I would have understood."

"Would you?" I asked, doubtfully.

"Well...no, probably not. But I would have tried to." He shrugged. "It would have been nice if you'd given me the chance."

I frowned down at my hands as I fidgeted with the bedsheets, nervously.

"I understand if you feel like you can't trust me." I said. "Sometimes I don't even trust myself. I don't always have the best judgement. I could tell you that I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally, and that would be the truth. But I can't make you believe me, and you have plenty of reason not to. I would understand if you wanted to walk away. I wouldn't hold it against you."

I felt his body go rigid beside me and I kept my eyes on my hands, unable to bring myself to look at him.

"Walk away?" He breathed. "From what? From you?"

I shrugged in response, not trusting my voice.

"You know...for someone who sees so much that the rest of us don't, you do seem to have a difficult time seeing what's right in front of you." He said, reaching out to still my fidgeting hands. I looked up at him, slowly, and his eyes were bright with unshed tears. I hated myself for putting them there. "I'm right here. I'm not leaving. This is just a fight. People fight. That doesn't mean they just walk away. How can you think that?"

I looked away, cursing under my breath and sniffing, holding back my own tears.

"I...this thing, with the letter. It's the tip of the iceberg, Alistair. It's the very smallest of the things I haven't told you." I said, hoarsely. "I can't stand this feeling. I don't want to hurt you, but I don't know if that's something I'll be able to control all of the time. Sometimes...I feel like a shadow. Walking behind who you think I am."

"A shadow?" He repeated, shaking his head. "Lauren, you are the light."

"You're not listening to me." I said, sadly.

"I am. I have. I've listened to all you've said. Am I angry that you kept this from me? Yes. I am. I won't pretend that I'm okay with that. Having said that, I do believe you when you say you thought it was for the best. I can't know what it's like to see the things you do and to be unable to share them with anyone, but I imagine it must be lonely. I couldn't do it. I just...seeing those words he wrote to you made me crazy. You're mine. It angered me, but mostly it scared me. I knew that it was impossible that I could be the only one who has seen how incredible you are. I just didn't expect to find the evidence of that lying on the floor beside the bed we shared. I was caught off guard."

"And you might be again. I can't promise otherwise." I said, forcing myself to look at him. "Do you understand? All I can promise is that I will love you, and I will be faithful to you. But I don't think this will be the last time you have reason to doubt me. Can you live like that? Do you even want to?"

"If that's what it takes to be with you, then yes. I can't say I'm thrilled about being left in the dark...but I'd rather be in the dark with you than anywhere else without you." He said, reaching out to touch my face. "And if another man wants you, I suppose I should just be thankful that I'm the one you chose to be with."

"Thankful." I repeated, derisively. "You don't have to be thankful. I didn't choose you over anyone. I chose you over everyone. Over everything. And besides...Cullen...he really doesn't like me like that." I said, quietly. "He's been nothing but polite and courteous in his letters."

"Well, I don't suppose it matters either way, does it? You're here with me and he's on his way to the Free Marches." He said, leaning in and kissing my neck.

"Hmm…" I sighed, distracted by the sudden heat of his lips against my sensitive skin. When his words registered, my eyes flew open. "Wait, he's what?" I asked, reaching for the letter on the nightstand. I skimmed the last half, the half that I hadn't had a chance to read the night before, and felt a familiar flutter of panic in my chest. "No, no, no, this is all wrong. He's not supposed to be sent to Kirkwall until after the Blight is over. Why would they send him there now?" I asked myself, reading the letter again. "Blah, blah, blah, knew I was not wrong about you when we first met...blah blah blah...As for my own well-being, I grow stronger with every passing day...I must advise you that I may be unable to write to you for some time as I am being seconded to the Circle in the city of Kirkwall to serve as Knight-Captain...your ravens should still find me there, and I would be glad to hear from you…" I trailed off, frowning in concern. "I don't get it. What's changed? We stopped Uldred, as we were supposed to...we saved Connor, as we were supposed to...what did I miss?"

"What does this mean?" Alistair asked, and I looked up to see the same concern I felt reflected back at me in his eyes.

"Maybe nothing." I said. "Maybe something. I honestly don't know. Something's changed. All I know is that it's my fault, somehow."

"Maybe your letters really did help him. Maybe he recovered from his ordeal faster. Maybe Greagoir was always planning on sending him away, and he was just waiting for him to get better." Alistair suggested, and I frowned in thought.

"Maybe." I said, doubtfully. "I didn't really do or say anything that would help that significantly."

"Maybe you were right. Maybe it was just knowing he had someone he could talk to."

"That's a lot of maybes." I said, replacing the letter on the nightstand. "I don't suppose the why matters now. It's done. I'll need to keep an eye on the situation. Make sure things stay as on track as they can. Hopefully, it'll all sort itself out."

"You can't be responsible for everything that happens in Thedas, my love." Alistair said, soothingly. "The task ahead of us is great enough. If this Cullen is as great a man as you say he is, perhaps you just have to trust that he will find his own way."

I didn't miss the bitterness in his voice when he said Cullen's name, but I felt myself relax a little at his words. I nodded.

"You're right. I have to focus on the task at hand." I said, more to myself than to Alistair. "Morrigan isn't back yet. Grayson would have sent for us if she was. But we should sit down with Grayson, plan the next leg of the journey. And we should head into the village, see if we can purchase some furs from the market. We're headed for colder climes."

"Hmm...maybe later." He said, with a mischievous grin. "Right now, I think you and I have some making up to do, and I don't know how long it will be before I have you to myself again. I'd like to take advantage of this large bed."

"You're not still angry with me?" I asked, eyeing him warily.

"Well...I don't know, I might be. But it's hard to stay angry with you when you're so…" He frowned, thoughtfully, searching for the right word. "Naked."

I grinned, playfully, wrapping my arms around his neck and swinging my leg over to straddle his lap.

"Is it?" I asked, flirtatiously. "How hard?"

He cast his eyes downwards, pointedly, and I giggled, kissing him fiercely.

"I love you." I whispered.

"Show me." He breathed, capturing my lips, possessively.

So I did. Twice.

AN: Thank you to Kira Tamarion for being a fire beta.

As always, thanks for sticking around and reading this little fic. Let me know what you thought of this chapter, and what you think about the changes to Cullen's timeline. I promise I have plans for that. I think it'll be worth it.

I try to keep the dialogue as in-character as I can, I do find it a bit more of a struggle when I'm writing serious Alistair as opposed to lil puppy dog Alistair coming through with the jokes, so let me know if you're reading this in his voice or if you think I can do a better job with it.

Aenrashir: Yeaaaay Lauren's got a lot of rage in her right now, she's not really come to terms or even fully addressed the horror she went through in Denerim, she's just kind of pushing all of that pain down and it's coming out in bursts of anger. She's going to continue being a little cold-blooded with a short-fused temper for a little while until it all comes to a head, which it's going to have to sooner or later. I have plans for how it's going to play out with her character development.

As for Grayson's thought process, it's something I have in my mind when I'm writing his dialogue but just given the first-person narration, we're seeing it all through Lauren's eyes. I've thought more than once about maybe doing a couple of third-person chapters, or maybe doing a different POV chapter at some point. It's primarily Lauren's story and her thoughts and feelings and impact, but if a POV switch up sounds interesting let me know, I could definitely get behind something like that.

I feel you, Morrigan's definitey not come through with the bitchiness that she usually has. Lauren's presence there has kind of thrown her for a loop because Morrigan has her own secret plot for the Wardens (Old God Baby) and she's a bit wary of how Lauren might compromise that because at this point, they haven't discussed it and she doesn't even know if Lauren knows what she has planned, but she knows it's a possibility. That's something that's also going to come to a head in the next few chapters and, after that, hopefully I'll be able to give Morrigan a bit more of an edge again.

TheFanfictionMaster: I'm glad you think so, I knew that it was what I wanted to do for the sake of the plot but I just wasn't sure how it would come off to a reader, so thanks for giving me your perspective. And you're right - plenty of trials coming up.