The exhilaration of flying wore off somewhat after the first hour or so. Night had fallen, and I had no way of knowing how far we'd flown or how much longer we would be in flight, and the barely-there dress I was wearing didn't exactly do much to stave off the cold. Flemeth, the dragon, radiated heat, and I wrestled with the urge to drop the grimoire and rest my hands on her warm scales.
As we flew, I thought of what I might say to my friends. Mostly, I thought of what I would say to Alistair. Somehow, I didn't think "Surprise!" would go over very well. Even in this world of magic and monsters, your dead girlfriend showing up alive and well had to be kind of a trip.
I wondered if any of them had had the good sense to strip my fancy armour off my body before it was disposed of. Even if I had stayed dead, they would have got some decent coin for it. I also tried really hard not to think of it as my body. It had been. I had lived and died in it. But now it was a rotting corpse. I wondered what a body looked like two weeks post mortem, and if the freezing temperatures of the Frostbacks would have preserved it, for a time.
When Emily and I were seventeen, our grandfather, my father's father, had died suddenly of a heart attack. He was fairly young, in his sixties. The day he died, my grandmother fell ill through the stress and shock - she had been driving him to the hospital when he'd died in the passenger seat of the car, and she'd watched paramedics work on her husband's chest by the road-side, knowing that the man she had loved since she was fifteen would not revived.
The point is, because his wife was in hospital, the funeral didn't take place until more than two weeks after he died. I had seen him an hour after his death, in the hospital, but Emily had refused to go into the room with him. She was scared and upset and she knew she couldn't handle it. I remembered being surprised by how much he didn't look like himself, even then.
A couple of days before the funeral, Emily asked my dad if she could go to see him in the funeral parlour. She had thought about it and decided she would regret not saying goodbye.
My dad had called and asked the funeral director if he could arrange a viewing. He had been to see his father only two days prior. The funeral director had apologised. He told my dad he didn't think that would be a very good idea, that his body was too far gone. I was never able to get that thought out of my head. I wondered how much his body had changed in two days. I wondered what had happened. Had his face started to collapse? Was he bloated? I didn't know. And now I wondered the same thing about myself. It wasn't a painful thought. It was more like a morbid curiosity, and my need to know how everything works at all times. It's a coping strategy, though some would call it inappropriate. My mother told me that googling the cremation process was callous. She told me that telling my mourning family over dinner how morticians close cadavers mouths by taking a long, thick needle and sewing the top and bottom gums together was ghoulish. I had made my sister cry, she'd said. It wasn't right to be so interested in these things. It was disrespectful to have such a blasé attitude towards death.
I apologised, but didn't explain to her that I wasn't trying to be blasé. I was shattered. My grandfather was the kindest man I had ever known. He'd come with me a month before he died, on my seventeenth birthday, when I was picking out my first car. He had popped the hood in the garage before he let me drive off in it, to "check it was safe", even though he didn't know the first thing about cars and had no idea what he was even looking for. I didn't know how to process his death, but learning everything I could about what was happening to him helped me. Not knowing would have been worse. That's all I was doing. I was checking under the hood, trying to make sense of what I saw.
I was lost in my thoughts when Flemeth started to dive, and I clung on tighter to the spine in front of me, suddenly remembering that I had read somewhere that falling from a great height would cause a person's bones to shatter and their organs to explode. It would have been something of an anticlimax, returning from the dead just to wind up as a stain on the ground before anyone of importance even knew I was alive.
I screwed my eyes shut against the force of the howling wind as she approached the ground with incredible speed, before unfurling her wings to slow our descent as the earth approached us. When she finally landed, I opened my eyes, hesitantly, taking stock of my surroundings. We were on the hill, above Redcliffe village. The castle loomed just ahead, and terror suddenly swelled in the pit of my stomach at the thought of seeing my friends again.
I heard a scream of alarm, and looked around to see two of the villagers running away from the dragon that had just landed there. One of the men stared at me, wide-eyed, as he looked back at us, and our eyes met. I tried to smile, reassuringly, but he was already gone.
I slid off her back, landing clumsily on the hard ground. I looked up at her, expecting her to resume her human form, but she lowered her great head towards me and growled, before spreading her wings again and taking flight once more. I raised a hand in front of my eyes and bent my knees, leaning into the wind her immense wings created as it buffeted against me as I struggled to maintain my footing. And then, she was gone, and I was alone.
I turned to face the castle and was filled with the overwhelming urge to turn around and start walking in the opposite direction. I took a deep breath and held it. I counted to ten and released it, slowly, trying to ignore the painful knot that my gut had twisted into, and I started to walk.
My legs seemed to grow heavier with every step, and I concentrated on breathing, certain that a panic attack was imminent. I couldn't remember a time where I had ever felt such chest-breaking anxiety, and I had spent the last few months fighting battles against monsters. I had actually died, and I didn't remember feeling this scared.
As the castle gates came into view, they opened, and I halted in my steps, abruptly, suddenly painfully aware of my lack of weapons. Several armed knights ran out, with their swords already drawn, but they seemed surprised to see me.
"You there! Maiden!" One of the knights cried, and I froze when I recognised Ser Perth. I knew it would only be a matter of time before he recognised me too, but he didn't seem to be paying very close attention to my face. He was looking around, wildly. "You shouldn't be out here! A dragon was spotted near here only moments ago."
"Oh. Right. Well, ah...it's gone, now." I said, uncertainly, as the rest of the men filed past me.
"You saw the beast? Well...did you see which way it went?" He asked, still looking around, warily. I allowed myself a small smile and pointed upwards. He looked from my finger to my face, and started to return my smile, but his expression quickly morphed into one of abject horror. "You...you're…"
"I'm Lauren. Well met, Ser Perth." I said, holding my hand out in greeting, ignoring the pounding of my heart in my ears. "We never got a chance to properly meet, the last time I was here."
He stared at me in open-mouthed awe, and I let my hand drop to my side, awkwardly.
"Are, uh…" I cleared my throat, nervously. "Are my friends here? I mean...the Grey Wardens. Are they here?"
"Lady Duval...you...but we…"
"I know, it's confusing." I said, apologetically. "I died, and now I'm back. Magic. Bit of a head fuck, really."
He seemed to gather himself, although I could tell that he was struggling, and he nodded.
"Right. Well. Yes. Good. Very well. Right. The Arl will want to know of your return so...if you will come with me." He said, robotically, turning on his heel and leading the way back through the castle gates. I followed him, hugging the grimoire tight to my chest like a security blanket. The courtyard was empty save for a few guards, and I saw one of them do a double take as I passed. Whether it was because he had recognised me or because I was dressed like a Vegas show-girl, I couldn't say.
Ser Perth took the steps up to the castle two at a time, and I raced to keep up with him, wishing he would slow down so that I could take a moment to prepare myself for what lay on the other side. He opened the door and gestured for me to go first: I guessed the Knights of Redcliffe's chivalry extended to the recently deceased, and I took a deep, steadying breath and forced myself to hold my head high as I crossed the threshold.
Ser Perth closed the door behind us and gestured to one of the guards stationed by the main door. He whispered something I couldn't hear and the guard leaned around him, staring at me with wide eyes. I smiled, lamely, and he turned back to the Knight, nodding before sprinting from the room, dropping his shield to the floor with a clatter as he went.
"I have sent for the Arl, my Lady." Ser Perth said to me, in a strained, business-like tone. "He should be here shortly."
"Thank you." I said, quietly. "I'm not...y'know."
"Yes?" He asked, though his eyes never quite met mine.
"I'm not like...a ghost, or anything." I said, apologetically. "What I mean is...me being alive isn't like...it's nothing creepy or gross. I'm not a walking corpse, or anything."
"Of course not, my Lady." He said, though the colour had almost entirely drained from his face.
Minutes later, a commotion in the hallway that the guard had disappeared down interrupted my attempts to convince him of my "living girl" status, and a chorus of overlapping voices met my ears. I couldn't make out what they were saying, but I thought I recognised some of them. I held my breath as I waited and the door burst open.
Arl Eamon led the procession, but he was no sooner through the door than he was shoved aside as Sten barrelled towards me. One look at his face told me he wasn't after a hug, and I took a half-step back, but there was nowhere to go in this hall. I let the grimoire fall to the floor with a muffled thump as I raised my arms in front of me, in self-defense, but the Qunari grabbed me by the throat and lifted me off the ground, pinning me to the wall. His eyes were wild with rage and something worse. Something more dangerous. Fear.
"Sten!" I heard Leliana cry, but I couldn't see anything past the giant in front of me.
"What are you?!" He demanded, as I clawed at his massive hand in vain. This was the worst kind of deja vu. "What are you, who dares to wear her face?"
I remembered our fight, in the courtyard outside, and I made the same move as I had then, grabbing his wrist in both hands and kicking his face hard, with all my strength . He released his grip on me and I landed in a crouch, rolling between his legs as he advanced on me again and twisting to grab Asala from his sheath as I rose to my feet. I backed away from him, before remembering there were others behind me, and I backed into the wall, swinging the sword between him and the rest of the group, in a warning arc.
"That's close enough." I said, "I know we're all a little emotional...a little confused...but dying really sucked, and I'd rather avoid it again if at all possible."
"Lauren…" There was a clatter of steel on stone and I turned to see Grayson as he collapsed to his knees, staring at me with an unreadable expression on his face. My heart swelled at the sight of him, and I started towards him, but before I could take another step I sensed Sten advancing on me again, and I whipped around, raising the blade to this throat.
"Sten." I said, narrowing my eyes. "It's me. Pull yourself together."
The Qunari glared into my eyes, and I glared back. His chest was heaving as he panted, looking from me to the others and back again.
"How?" He growled. "We watched your body burn."
"I had a spare." I replied, challengingly.
"What magic is this?" He asked, in disgust.
"Flemeth." Morrigan stepped forward, her eyes trailing from my clothing to the battered grimoire lying on the floor. "Flemeth brought you back?"
"She said she invoked some kind of ritual." I said, still keeping my eyes trained on Sten. "Well, I don't know, do I? I'm not a mage. I was as surprised as you are."
"Lauren…" Grayson gasped again, and I met Sten's eyes, lowering the sword when I was certain he wasn't going to try to kill me again. I offered the hilt to him, in a gesture of peace, and he accepted it, though for a split second he seemed to be considering whether or not to run me through where I stood.
I turned from him and ran to Grayson, dropping to my knees in front of him. I took his face in my hands, and saw that his eyes were wet with tears. He looked drawn and gaunt, like he had barely slept or eaten in two weeks, and I felt tears spring to my own eyes as I looked at him.
"I'm so sorry, Grayson. I'm so sorry I put you through this. I never meant for…"
He cut me off, pulling me into a fierce embrace. I was taken aback as he sobbed into my hair, and I looked around at the others. Wynne and Leliana were crying, silently, as they watched our reunion, and Zevran flashed me a wicked smile and mouthed the words, "welcome back".
"Where's Alistair?" I frowned, fighting the rising panic in my chest at his notable absence.
"But...this is extraordinary!" The Arl exclaimed, looking from me to Bann Teagan and back again. "To have beaten death, itself! The giant speaks the truth. We all saw you on the funeral pyre. And yet...here you are."
"Where's Alistair?" I asked again, rising to my feet and pulling Grayson up with me, looking in his eyes for an answer.
"He's here." He assured me. "I wasn't...when we heard you were here, I wanted to check for myself. I didn't want to get his hopes up if you were...but you're really here, aren't you? You're really you." He laughed, shaking his head incredulously. "He's in his room."
"I shall rouse the servants. This calls for a feast! Celebrations are in order!" Arl Eamon said, as he approached me, wringing my hand in greeting. "Very well met, Lady Duval. Very well met, indeed."
His eyes trailed from my face, down my scantily clad body, and his smile morphed into a smirk.
"I can see why the boy is so taken with you."
I crossed my arms across my chest, protectively, and narrowed my eyes at him.
"He's not a boy. And he's not taken with me. We're in love, actually."
"Of course!" He said, holding his hands up. "No offense was intended."
"None taken." I lied. "And as grateful as I am that you would hold a feast at this hour, perhaps tomorrow would be better?"
"Very well. Very well. Tomorrow it is, then."
Bann Teagan stepped forward and bowed his head, respectfully.
"Lady Duval...Lauren...words cannot express how glad we are for your safe return."
"Thank you, Teagan." I replied, as he hugged me, awkwardly.
"Arl Eamon." Grayson said, in a far-off voice. "Would you...allow us a few moments with our friend?"
"Of course!" The Arl said, graciously. "I shall have a room prepared for you, my Lady."
"No need, brother." Teagan said, in a quiet voice. "Unless matters have changed since last you were here, I expect you will share Alistair's bedchamber?"
"I expect I will." I replied, before turning to Grayson. "Is he okay?"
He let out a humourless laugh, shaking his head.
"No, Lauren. He's not okay. But I expect he will be now that you're here."
"Very well! I will bid you all a good night. Have a pleasant rest, and we will see you all for the feast tomorrow." Eamon said, with a warm smile.
He swept out of the hallway, and Teagan threw me a curious look, before following him. As soon as they were gone, Grayson and Leliana descended upon me, throwing their arms around me. I lost count of the number of sloppy kisses that were planted on my face and head over the next few minutes, as we cried and laughed together, sometimes in the same breath.
Eventually, they let me go, and Wynne immediately enveloped me in a tight hug, patting my back and rocking me from side-to-side.
"I do not care how you got here, Lauren." She said, in a thick voice. "All that matters is that you are here."
"We should have known better than to think a little thing like death would stop this one." Zevran said, slapping my back, heartily. I threw him a grateful look and hugged him. He seemed surprised, before returning my embrace, squeezing me tightly and lifting me off my feet, spinning me around once before setting me back on the ground.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see Morrigan. I grinned at her, and opened my mouth to make some witty remark, but she surprised me by throwing her arms around me.
"Do not do that again." She said, sternly, as she released me from the embrace.
"I'll do my level best." I grinned. I gestured to the grimoire on the floor. "That's for you. It's Flemeth's true grimoire."
She looked down at it, and back to me, a wary expression on her face.
"It is done, then?" She asked. "My mother is dead?"
"Not exactly." I said, apologetically. "I'll explain everything, I swear. You deserve the truth. But right now, I need to see Alistair."
I turned to face the rest of them, their expressions so full of love and relief, and then I looked at Sten, who was still watching me from a distance with a look of deep mistrust. I sighed and walked towards him, taking his hand in mine. He tried to pull away from me, but I held on, forcing him to look me in the eyes.
"Magic brought me back. But I am me. I am the same girl you have fought alongside all these months. I'm the same girl who whooped your big dumb butt less than a hundred yards from here. I know that this is weird. It's weird for me too. And I'm sure when you return to Seheron and tell the Arishok, they'll call me all sorts of names. I am not bas saarebas. But you knew about Valour, and you called me basalit-an. You knew I had visions of the future, and you called me kadan. This is just one more thing about me that you're going to have to learn to accept." I said, watching as his expression softened before me. "Or would you rather I was truly dead?"
"I...do not wish you dead, Warden." He said, slowly. "But you are correct. This...is...different. I shall have to think on your words. And watch you, closely. For now...it is...good. To see you."
"Can I give you a hug?" I asked, uncertainly. He withdrew his hand from mine, and shook his head.
"No."
"Okay. Baby steps. I get it." I said, though I couldn't help but be a little crestfallen.
I turned back to Grayson, and panic rose in my chest once more when I nodded to him, signalling that I wanted to see Alistair. I realised that this was what I had been afraid of. Not Grayson, not Leliana, not even Sten. It was Alistair.
I said my goodbyes to the others, receiving another hug from each of them in turn, and then I followed Grayson through the corridor, and up the stairs to the same bedrooms we had slept in before. He shifted between taking my hand to draping his arm across my shoulders as we walked, barely taking his eyes from my face the entire time, as if afraid that I would disappear if he looked away.
"I'm not going anywhere." I said, quietly, as I glanced up to see him watching me.
"You better not." He replied. "I mean it, Lauren. I couldn't handle going through that again. After everything I've lost...everyone I've lost...I need you to be okay now. Okay?"
"Okay." I agreed. "I am. I will be. I'm just...afraid."
"Of what?"
"Of seeing Alistair." I admitted. "Of seeing what I've done to him. How has he been?"
"Honestly?" He asked, throwing me a doubtful look. I nodded. "He's been a wreck. I don't know how he survived the Temple of Sacred Ashes. The High Dragon was, mercifully, absent. We came across her nest, but she never made an appearance. If she had, I don't think he'd be here to talk about it."
"I knew that would happen. I knew this would break him." I cursed, under my breath. "I saw it in his eyes, in the Chantry."
"You remember that?" He asked, surprised. "You remember…?"
"Dying? Yeah, it was pretty memorable."
"This is...insane, Lauren. It's unbelievable. But if I have to be crazy to have you back? Call me crazy."
"Crazy." I replied, with a wry smile, leaning into him. "It's good to be back."
He looked down at me, slowly.
"You don't sound convinced." He said, and I silently cursed his perceptiveness. I shrugged.
"It is. It's just...I don't know. Tough to explain. It's a weird situation. I thought I was done. It's like being fired from a job and then turning up for work again the next day."
"Except your life isn't work." He said, shaking his head. I laughed.
"Isn't it"?
"Hey." He said, stopping in his tracks. "Don't talk like that."
"I'm sorry. You're right." I said, with a strained smile. "It's just...been kind of a weird day."
"For all of us." He agreed, pulling me into a hug again. I waited for him to keep walking, but he didn't move. I looked up at him, and saw he was looking past me, at the door behind me. I followed his gaze and my breath caught in my throat. "You want me to leave you alone?"
"Uh...yeah." I said, turning to face the door, before spinning back to him almost immediately. "No. You should...maybe you should go in first. Prepare him."
"Yeah, you're probably right." He said, looking back down at me. "Don't worry. This is everything he's prayed for for the last two weeks. I don't know what you're afraid of, but you shouldn't be."
"Right. Of course. I just…"
"I know." He said, kissing my forehead. "Wait here."
When he opened the door, I noticed that the room inside was in darkness, without even a candle to illuminate it.
"Alistair." He whispered. "Are you awake?"
Silence answered him. Then, eventually…
"What is it?"
I didn't recognise his voice. It didn't sound like Alistair. Not my Alistair. It was hollow and hoarse, and I felt my eyes well with tears. Grayson turned to me, apologetically, and closed the door behind him. I pressed myself against it, listening intently. I could hear their voices, but they were muffled, and I couldn't make out the words. I heard Grayson, then silence. A lot of silence. Then Alistair, Grayson, Alistair, their voices rising with emotion that might have been joy or anger, I couldn't tell which. I heard brisk footsteps approaching and took a step back as the door was wrenched open. And there he was.
"Hi." I said, lamely. He stared at me, emotions flickering across his face so fast I could barely make one out before another replaced it: disbelief, incredulity, a flicker of anger, a flash of betrayal, relief...joy? "Alistair, I…"
I trailed off. I couldn't find the words. Neither, it seemed, could he. We stared at one another with baited breath, until Grayson approached us, shattering the stillness of the moment.
"I'll let you two talk." He said, quietly, squeezing Alistair's shoulder and then mine as he passed. I watched him walk away, only because I was afraid of what I would find in Alistair's eyes when I turned back to him.
Once we were alone, I looked down at the ground, swallowing the lump in my throat. He still hadn't moved, and I slowly raised my eyes to his.
"Can I come in?" I asked, and he nodded, opening the door wider and standing aside to let me pass. As I walked past him, he grabbed me so suddenly that I let out a yelp of surprise. He pressed me so tightly to his chest that I couldn't breathe, but I didn't care. His body racked with sobs as he held me close to him, and I wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face in his chest.
"I'm here." I whispered, trying to console him. I pulled away from his embrace, gently, and he took my face in his hands, searching my eyes, and he choked out an incredulous laugh through his tears.
"I think I might be dreaming." He said, pulling me close and kissing my face, fiercely. "But if I am, I never want to wake."
"Do you see an Archdemon in this bedroom?" I joked, feebly, reminding him of that night we spent in Denerim.
"You're really you. You're really here." He whispered. "I thought I'd lost you forever. You came back to me."
"I will always come back to you." I promised, letting my tears fall freely.
"The last two weeks have been like a nightmare I could not wake from. Lauren…" His face fell and he looked down at me, miserably. "I killed you."
"No." I shook my head. "No, hush. I'm alive. I'll never leave you again. I promise."
"How is this possible?" He breathed. I shrugged, dismissively.
"It's not. But impossible isn't enough to keep me from you."
"I don't want to question it." He said.
"Then don't." I replied. "We've been given another chance. I don't want to waste a second of it."
"Lauren…" He turned my face up to him and kissed me, softly, tenderly, but the kiss deepened quickly and I could feel his need for me. It was so powerful that it only made my tears fall faster, and I returned his passion, to show him that I needed him too. He carried me to the bed and laid me down gently, reverently, and I pulled him into my arms.
"I wish there were another word for love, because I love you doesn't feel like enough." He whispered, as he kissed me again. He was right. Words couldn't capture this. So we gave up on them, and spent the rest of the night telling each other everything we thought we'd never get a chance to say, without words, reminding each other with every touch that we were alive.
AN: Another fast upload, as promised. This is dangerous. I'm getting consistent? Must be a blip.
As always, sound off in the comments down below (can you tell I have been watching a lot of Youtube lately? Lemme tell you about Square Space, like, comment, subscribe and ring that bell to be notified of future uploads)
Eiris: You should post your fic! I'd love to read it. But I get you with the going back and changing things. There have been so many times where I've had a great idea and then be like...I can't use that because earlier on I said this. The struggle i l
Mihoshi 2.0: I feel you! The good thing is, she's still her, and she still looks like her, she's just an earlier version because Flemeth took a part of her when she arrived in Thedas. Will there be repercussions for her relationship with Alistair? Ah...stay tuned, my friend.
annjames: I'm glad you're enjoying it! Welcome to the family.
LeliMor29: I'm so glad you didn't see it coming haha. I knew that doing this before they reached the Ashes would give me a convenient out, but I wanted to challenge myself. Twists are hard when your brain works as slow as mine does, so the fact that I was able to surprise people without making it world-breaking gives me life. The potential awkwardness of the reunion gave me anxiety too lol. I hope I was able to make it less awkward without it being completely unbelievable. I figured initial reactions from people who love her would be overwhelming relief, but when you give these people time to think, they can get a bit cagey. Looking at you, Grayson and Leliana.
Aenrashir: I'm glad I could blow your mind haha. That's all I want. She's not Lyrium Lauren, she's more just a previous version of Lauren with the memories of the current Lauren.
Playerovic: You were spot on haha. Yeah, Flemeth is an amazing character but you have to play Inquisition! So much goodness! The MMO comment made me chuckle, that's exactly what it's like. She still has Valour, but she doesn't have the Grey Warden stamina or the basic strength she had before. The only reason the move she made on Sten worked like it had before is because she'd already been weakened during that fight, so it evened it out. It was more of a "caught off guard" thing than an "overpowered" thing. Because overpowering Sten? Never an option. As for her eventual reunion with Emily and the things they'll have to say to one another, I already have a few ideas. Like I mentioned, I've had this planned from the first chapter, so I've got about 30,000 words worth of notes for future chapters at this point.
SoccerGirl4Life30: Thank you for your walking review lol. You read the whole thing again in 2 days? That's commitment! I go back sometimes and read from the start, just to make sure I haven't left any breadcrumbs behind, and like...it's a lot of fic at this point. I'm glad you're enjoying it and I'll do my absolute best to keep uploading at a decent pace.