I had been worried about facing the others after the events in the kennels, but I needn't have been. Leliana dragged me back to the beauty room we had spent time in before the last feast, and this time we were joined by Wynne and, to my lasting shock, Morrigan. I faced a few death-related questions from the women, but nothing I could really answer, and we soon fell into a familiar rhythm of easy banter as we were bathed, buffed, polished, coiffed and dressed by the same Orlesian handmaidens as before.
I didn't realise how much I needed this. By the time we were ready, I almost felt normal again. I was just a normal girl, getting ready for a party with her normal girlfriends. I mean...one was a bard and two of them were mages, but nobody's perfect. My dress this time was a similar fashion as before, but it was a brilliant white.
"It looks like a wedding dress." I said, feeling a little uneasy as I looked myself up and down in the mirror.
"I think it is more...a symbol of new beginnings." Leliana said, happily, admiring her own purple dress. Morrigan's was a blood-red colour, and the corset made her cleavage look amazing - even more so than usual. Wynne's was a little more demure than the rest, but the beautiful lavender shade complimented her pale skin and silver hair.
"New beginnings." I repeated, slowly twirling from side-to-side, watching the full skirt of the dress as it moved, gleaming when the rich fabric caught the light and trapped it.
We made our way to the dining hall, accompanied by a ceremonial force of the castle-guards: whether they were there for our protection, or to keep an eye on us, I wasn't sure, but I suspected the latter. I hadn't seen the Arl since our first meeting, and in hindsight, I thought he had accepted my return with surprising ease. A little too surprising. I figured he'd been in shock, and now that he had had time to think and discuss the matter with his horrible wife, I braced myself for an interrogation.
He would be careful about it, I knew. He wanted Alistair on the throne. He needed to be able to manipulate him to his own ends, and in order to get to Alistair, he would need to keep me on his side. It was a fixed game, because I would never support anything that Alistair didn't want. But Eamon didn't know that.
We entered the room to rapturous applause, and I stopped in my tracks, taken aback by the number of bodies that stood to greet us.
"Announcing Sister Leliana, of the Lothering Chantry." A herald cried, as Leliana curtseyed to the Arl and Arlessa, and took a seat at the table, blushing pleasantly.
"Wynne, senior mage of the Circle." Wynne followed suit, throwing me a small look of encouragement over her shoulder before she sat.
"Lady Morrigan, of the Korcari Wilds."
"Wonderful." Morrigan rolled her eyes, tossing me an exasperated smile, but I could tell she didn't hate the pomp and ceremony quite as much as she would like me to believe.
"And finally, announcing the Lady of the Evening, Lady Lauren of the House Duval, Grey Warden, Dragon Rider, and Andraste's Chosen."
I almost tripped and landed on my face when he got to the end of my introduction. Alistair rose to his feet and took my hand, guiding me to my seat between him and the Arl.
"Andraste's Chosen?" I hissed at Alistair, smiling awkwardly at the rest of the table, some of whom I recognised, some who were strangers to me. Murdoch and his wife were there, as well as Mother Hanna and Ser Perth. He smiled, warmly at me, and I figured he had moved past his initial shock at seeing me alive. Teagan was seated opposite me, with Leliana by his side. Grayson, Zevran, Morrigan and Wynne made up the rest of our half of the table, and Sten and Shale were notably absent. I didn't suppose I should be too surprised by that, but Sten's absence still stung.
"Apparently news of your return has spread quickly." Alistair explained, apologetically. "The people are saying that Andraste herself sent you back from the Void."
"People are so dumb." I whispered, through my fake smile. "Let's not encourage that rumour."
"Lords, Ladies, and esteemed friends." The Arl raised his arms, and the gathered diners took their seats. "We are here this evening to celebrate. This...remarkable woman beside me has overcome many trials to join us here this evening. She survived the battle of Ostagar, she has bested darkspawn, demons, blood-mages and more. She defeated a Qunari warrior in single-combat, and here, she and her companions aided us in reclaiming our home from the evil that threatened to destroy us. Most recently, she sacrificed her life, in an endeavour to reach the Urn of Sacred Ashes. To save me. To save me from certain death, ordered by no other than the treacherous Teyrn Loghain Mac Tir."
"Ah, this is a campaign speech." I muttered under my breath, so that only Alistair could hear me.
"Loghain must be stopped, at all costs, lest he drive Ferelden to wrack and ruin. Under his misguided and unearned leadership, our great nation stands no chance of surviving the blight." He raged. Isolde placed a soothing hand on his arm, in a subtle gesture, but I could see her eyes harden as she looked at him. It was a look I'd seen my mum give my dad countless times, and Eamon's red-faced anger seemed to subside, and he forced a smile onto his face. "But that is not why we are here tonight. Tonight, we celebrate the most recent trial faced and won by our Grey Warden. She has conquered death, itself, and returned to lead us in the battle against the darkspawn. Lords, Ladies...if you would all charge your goblets, I would like to propose a toast. To Lauren Duval!"
Grayson and Zevran whooped and cheered as everyone said my name in unison, and drank to my health. I threw them a sharp look, but they had identical grins on their faces that didn't waiver under my glare. I felt my expression soften, and the corners of my mouth tugged in a reluctant smile.
"To new beginnings." Leliana smiled, clinking her goblet against mine.
"I'll drink to that." I grinned.
"And now...enjoy the feast!"
I looked down at the plate in front of me, piled high with meat and potatoes, and my stomach flipped queasily. My appetite had abandoned me, but I made an effort to eat as much as I could stomach. It was like my throat had forgotten how to swallow, and I washed down every second bite with a deep drink from my wine goblet.
"You might want to slow down with the wine." Alistair said, gently. I nodded, but had absolutely no intentions of seeing the rest of this night out sober. A sudden thought struck me and I frowned.
"Wait, Dragon Rider?" I said, aloud, looking from him to the Arl. "Is this wine going down too easily or did the herald announce me as a Dragon Rider?"
"The people are saying that you rode here on the back of a dragon." Bann Teagan said, with a curious smile. "They say they saw you."
"People say all kinds of crazy things." I said, with a nervous laugh.
Morrigan hid a smirk by taking a timely sip from her goblet, and we exchanged an amused look. My grin faded when I caught Grayson's eye and I shrugged.
"What? How else was I supposed to get here? Walk? I gave my horse to Meghan."
"Who's Meghan?" He asked, frowning.
"Oh, she's lovely. And her little sister is so cute! Little Anna." Leliana gushed.
"They found you, then?" I asked, turning to her with great interest.
"Oh, yes. We were almost halfway up the mountain. When she mentioned your name, we turned right back around and made sure she reached Honnleath safely. We had curried some favour with the townspeople by ridding them of darkspawn and a particularly insidious demon, so they were quick to offer her shelter and aid."
"Oh, good." I said, with a relieved smile. "She'd been through a lot."
"She told us." Leliana said, reaching across the table to squeeze my hand. "You risked a lot to save her."
"Only my life." I replied, thoughtlessly, and I felt Alistair stiffen beside me. I placed a hand on his thigh, subtly. "It was just a joke." I said, apologetically.
"Yeah. It was funny." He glowered, sarcastically.
"Everyone's a critic." I sighed.
"So...Lauren." Arl Eamon said, and I forced myself not to roll my eyes. I guessed the interrogation was about to begin. "You mentioned last night that you were restored to life by someone named Flemeth. That wouldn't be The Flemeth? From the tales?"
"Well...yeah." I said, carefully. "It's not the first time she's saved us."
"Us?"
"She rescued the three of us from the Tower of Ishal, at Ostagar." Grayson said, and I threw him a grateful look for saving me from the conversation.
"So...the legends are true, then." He said, looking troubled.
"Some of the legends." Morrigan said, with narrowed eyes. "Others are idiotic prattle, spread by unimaginative bards with scant else to talk about."
"I see." The Arl said, thoughtfully. "And you, my Lady Morrigan. You are from the Korcari Wilds...do the legends not say that that is where Flemeth-"
"You ask me if I know her?" Morrigan said, sharply. "I know many things. Things that would curl the hair on your pretty wife's head."
Grayson elbowed her, pointedly, and she caught herself, and forced the fakest laugh I'd ever heard. The Arl and Arlessa laughed along with her, I suspected from a mixture of relief and fear. I grinned, shaking my head, fondly, at the witch, and she threw me a wicked smile.
"Well…" Eamon cleared his throat, and looked studiously at his half-eaten plate, apparently at a loss for how to change the subject.
"Alistair." Teagan spoke, to save his brother from the awkward moment. "You must be thrilled to have Lauren back."
"I am." He said, and I smiled up at him, adoringly. He met my eyes for a brief moment, before turning back to Teagan. "Thrilled is not a strong enough word but...yes. I am."
"It warms my heart, to see you both together again." Teagan said, with a genuine smile. I nodded, gratefully, and tried not to think about the pain I had caught in Alistair's eyes before he looked away from me.
The night drew on, and our wine goblets were filled and refilled several times. I fielded a few more questions from the Arl and the Bann, but nothing close to the interrogation I had been prepared for, and my heart felt surprisingly light as the feast ended and the band began to play. Several of the couples around the table made their way to the centre of the room and danced to the music. The dancing itself was traditional and formal, but I smiled as I watched them. I turned to Alistair.
"Aren't you going to ask me to dance?" I said, winking at him.
"Me?" He asked, looking suddenly terrified. "I can't dance. Why don't you ask Grayson?"
I huffed, but barely had time to reply before Grayson practically lifted me from my seat, dragging me to the dancefloor just as the band struck up a hearty jig. We bounded around the room together, and I let him lead, throwing me around the dancefloor and spinning me until I was dizzy. I laughed, breathlessly, as we danced, before finally having to throw my hands up, backing away from him.
"Okay!" I exclaimed, panting. "You win! You beat me at dancing. Congratulations."
"Did I tire you?" He asked, with a playful grin. I punched him, lightly, on the arm.
"Try to remember I'm not as fit as I used to be." I said, returning to take my seat at the table. "And you have that Grey Warden stamina."
"Oh, yeah...I keep forgetting that you…" He trailed off, shaking his head, and turned to Morrigan, Leliana and Wynne. "Would any of you lovely ladies care to dance?"
Before Morrigan or Leliana could say anything, Wynne hopped to her feet.
"Oh, yes, that would be marvellous." She beamed at him. "It's been quite some time so please, go easy on an old woman."
"Save some of the beauties for the rest of us, Warden." Zevran grinned. "My dear Wynne, it pains me to see you on the arm of another man."
Wynne laughed, airily, as she and Grayson made their way to the dancefloor.
I panted in my seat, watching them with a grin on my face as I caught my breath.
"You look beautiful tonight." Alistair said, quietly. "I mean, you always look beautiful. But you look...you look happy."
"I feel good." I said, nodding. "Better. I feel a bit like myself again."
"Good." He smiled, squeezing my hand. "I'm glad."
"Could I be a bother and steal Alistair for a moment or two?" Eamon asked, rising from his seat and clapping a hand on Alistair's shoulder. "I promise I will return him."
"Sure." I said, with a shrug. "I don't...y'know, own him."
"Very gracious of you, my lady." He said. Alistair threw me a concerned look, before reluctantly rising to his feet and following the Arl from the room. I watched them leave, with a frown. I hoped he wasn't planning on cornering him alone and demanding he take his father's throne. I didn't think he would, not in the middle of a party. But then again, I wouldn't put it past him.
"Have you spoken with Alistair?" Leliana asked, and I turned to see she was also watching the door that the two men had disappeared through.
"Yeah...why?"
"I don't know, he just seems…a little...off." She said, shaking her head.
"I know." I said. "Can you blame him? This is all a bit...overwhelming."
"For all of us." She agreed, though she didn't look convinced. "Oh, I don't know, I think I just thought he would be...different."
"Yeah." I said, sadly. "I think he needs time. I can understand that."
"I'm sure you're right." She said, thoughtfully. "Poor man. It was hard to watch him, after he lost you. I've never seen anybody so...broken. He really loves you, you know."
"I know. I feel the same way about him." I said, with a sad smile.
We turned back to watch Grayson as he slow-danced with Wynne, and I couldn't help but feel a little forlorn that it wasn't me and Alistair up there.
"Lady Duval." A man's voice that I didn't recognise interrupted my thoughts, and I turned to see a tall, well-built man take Alistair's empty seat. He was a little older, and his red hair was flecked with grey. The doublet he wore did little to hide the well-rounded gut he was sporting, and his hand was damp with sweat - I hoped - when he shook mine in greeting. "My name is Lloyd. I own the tavern, here in Redcliffe. I met some of your friends when you were first here, but I didn't get the pleasure of making your lovely acquaintance the first time."
"Well met, Lloyd." I said, tersely, realising instantly who he was.
"I heard you fought like a demon against the undead. The men in my tavern talked about the battle for weeks. They still talk about it. I always say, you can tell a lot about a woman from the way she handles a sword." He laughed, lewdly, and I shared a disgusted look with Leliana. He didn't seem to notice, and I cocked my head at him.
"Like what?" I asked, innocently.
"Eh?"
"Like what things?"
"Oh...just one of my little jokes." He said, with a wink.
"Ah, okay." I took a sip from my goblet and saw Leliana smirk at me out of the corner of my eye. She knew me well enough to know where this was going to go. "Can you explain it to me?"
"Explain what?"
"Explain the joke to me." I said, narrowing my eyes at him. "Tell me why it's funny."
"Oh...well...I...uh…" He blustered, his pale face reddening to match his hair.
"Yeah. That's what I thought." I said, with a cold smile. I turned from him and took another drink. "That seat's taken, by the way."
He hastily vacated the seat and returned to his own, looking thoroughly mortified. The seat wasn't empty for long, as Murdoch and Marion came to speak to me, and after a short while, they were replaced by Ser Perth. The next hour or so was a revolving door of well-wishes from the assorted guests, and just when I thought I couldn't bear it anymore, Leliana took the seat beside me, before anybody else could.
"Thank you!" I exclaimed, resting my head on her shoulder.
"I could tell you were at the end of your tether." She said, rubbing my arm.
"If one more person tells me they believe Andraste sent me, I shall scream." I promised her.
"I shall keep my lips sealed then." She said, mischeivously.
I looked around the room and my eyes came to rest on Grayson and Alistair. I hadn't noticed Alistair's return, and I sat up straight, watching them.
They were leaning against the wall opposite me, deep in conversation. I registered more than a few glances in my direction from each of them as they spoke, and it didn't take much brainpower to deduce that I was the topic of conversation. I tried to catch their eyes, with a smile, before I realised that the discussion looked heated: on Grayson's part at least. He was shaking his head, gesturing at me, getting very close to Alistair's face. Alistair's expression was what scared me the most. He looked...something. I couldn't figure it out. But his mouth was a hard line of determination.
"What do you suppose that's about?" I asked out the side of my mouth, subtly gesturing towards the men with my goblet. Leliana and Zevran both had sense enough to sneak glances at them, without making it obvious that's what they were doing.
"Oh. I don't like that body language." Leliana breathed. "I don't like it one bit."
"Neither do I." I agreed, narrowing my eyes as Alistair tried to walk away and Grayson grabbed his bicep, whispering furiously in his ear.
"Your lover appears to have something of a fight on his hands." Zevran said, his lips barely moving. "At a guess, I would suggest Alistair has said something to provoke our friend's ire...though what that could be, I admit, I could not say."
"Do you think I should intervene?" I asked, chewing my lip. "Or...I guess it's not really my place."
"Whose place would it be, if not yours?" Zevran asked, pointedly.
"I don't know..." I frowned, trailing off.
"Alistair has been a little..." Leliana started, thoughtfully.
"Off. Yeah, you mentioned." I said, taking a sip of my wine. "He's been nervous around me since this morning. It's like he's hiding something. But...that doesn't make much sense."
"Oh!" Leliana gasped, with barely-contained excitement. "You don't think...yes, of course!"
"What?"
"You don't think he's planning on proposing, do you?"
I blinked, taken aback. That was the last thing I had thought.
"It would explain why Grayson seems so outraged." Zevran reasoned, nodding slowly. "You know how he is. Duty first. A wedding would surely delay our plans."
"So...you guys have just decided that Alistair's been acting cagey around me because he's going to ask me to marry him? No. I don't think so." I said, dismissively, though I couldn't quite extinguish the small spark of hope they had ignited in my chest. "No, it's got to be something else. I don't think Grayson would grudge him that, after what he's been through."
"What you've both been through." Leliana said, taking my hand. "Oh, a wedding would be so exciting. We can go shopping for a dress and shoes and...oh, you simply must let me sing for you."
"Time out." I said, feeling myself flush. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves."
Just then, Alistair strode away from Grayson, who was watching him with a defeated look on his face. He approached us, warily, hesitantly meeting my eyes and clearing his throat.
"Lauren, if I...may steal you away from the celebrations. There is something I must discuss with you."
"Very formal." Leliana whispered in my ear, with a giggle, and I shot her a nervous grin, before taking Alistair's proffered hand and allowing him to lead me from the dining hall and into the library. My heart raced in my chest as Leliana's words repeated in my mind. Could she have been right? After all, this was where it had all started. This was where he had kissed me for the first time. Oh God, oh God, oh God.
What would I say? Did I even want this? I wasn't even sure I believed in marriage as a concept, and even if I did, eighteen was far too young - I would practically be a child-bride!
Shut up. Said a small, strong voice in my head. Look at him. None of that matters. Look at him.
I listened to the voice and looked at him, really looked. He looked amazing tonight. He was dressed in his formal best, and his eyes sparkled wonderfully against the tan skin of his face. His eyelashes were violin strings that played symphonies each time he blinked. As he paced along the stacks, I was reminded of a lion. Strong, regal and proud. My heart ached with love for him as I walked towards him, until we were standing in the same spot where we'd shared our first kiss, and he turned to me.
"Do you remember?" Alistair asked, softly. "The last time we were here?"
"Of course I remember." I smiled. "How could I forget?"
"Well...we've been through quite a lot since then. It feels like a lifetime ago."
"It was...for some of us."
"Right. Of course."
"You said you wanted to discuss something?" I asked, innocently.
"I do." He said, taking a step closer to me. He took one of my hands in his, looking down at my fingers with an odd expression on his face. "Lauren...you know how unfathomably happy I am that you're here. The people believe Andraste herself returned you to us. And maybe she did."
I smiled, looking away from him, feeling surprisingly bashful. It was really happening.
"You're here, but...I lost you. For...I don't know how long it was. It felt like it could have been days...or years."
"It was two weeks." I said, gently. "And I'm so sorry. I wish I could have come back to you sooner. I wish I could have been strong enough to live for you. When you asked me if I knew what it would do to you if I died, it occurs to me that you weren't looking for me to answer the question quite as dramatically as I did. I didn't do this to you, not intentionally. I tried so hard to live for you, I swear. My body gave up the fight before I did."
"It was my fault." He said, miserably. If this was a proposal, it had just taken a sharp turn for the maudlin. I would leave this part out when I told people our proposal story.
"You have to stop saying that." I said, firmly. "All you did was mop some blood off my neck. You're going to beat yourself up for the rest of your life over an act of kindness? You didn't kill me. Henrietta killed me. Father Eirik killed me. Haven killed me. This world? It killed me. But not you. Never you."
"I knew you would make this harder." He said, sofly. "I knew you would forgive me without question. But Lauren, I...I've had time. I've had time to think and...I get it."
"Get what?"
"The lesson I'm supposed to learn from this. You don't understand, I...when you were gone, all I could think about was how I could have saved you. How I could have stopped it from happening. I imagined how I would do things differently, if I could do it all again. If I had a second chance. And now...I do."
"We both do." I said, reaching out to stroke his face. I met his eyes and my whole body froze, but I couldn't figure out why. It was like my body knew something that I didn't yet.
"You were fine." He said. "You were fine until I tried to take care of you. I did it. I poisoned you. That whole time, I was terrified of losing you. I gave you such a hard time about it...and it was my own need to look after you that took you from me."
"I told you, it doesn't matter." I whispered, as tears pricked my eyes. "Please...you're tired. You've been drinking. You should get some sleep, think about things properly before you say something you can't take back."
"I can't sleep. And I'm sober. I have thought about things. I've thought about little else. I think maybe...maybe Wynne was right, all those months ago. About love. About it being selfish. About it having unintended consequences that we can't foresee."
"No." I said, softly, standing on my tiptoes to kiss him. His lips were immobile under mine and an unbidden sob racked my body. "Love didn't kill me. You didn't kill me. You couldn't have known, you could never have known-"
"Exactly." He whispered. I shrank away from him, pleading silently with my eyes.
"You don't have to do this." I said, realising what he was saying. "I know you think you have to do this but you don't. You don't, you don't have to. I love you. I can't lose you."
"I did lose you, Lauren." He said, swallowing roughly. "I lost you and I...I cannot be the thing that takes you away from me again. I won't."
"Are you breaking up with me?" I choked.
"We have to end this." He replied, as a tear rolled down his face. "I should have never allowed myself to...I was weak. I didn't know how to stop myself from falling in love with you. It took losing you to finally see that I had let my love for you consume me, and you paid the price for my failure. I am truly sorry...about last night. I should never have...but seeing you again made me lose all of my senses. I was overwhelmed, and I was selfish."
"If you think you're saving me by doing this, you're not. You're not doing this for me. I would die a thousand times before I chose to live without you."
"I know." He said, sadly. "I know. That's why I have to. Lauren, this is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I wish there was another way. But this is the only way I know how to protect you. I don't know how to love you with my whole being without putting you in harm's way."
"I don't know how to not." I gasped, throwing my arms around him. "I don't know how to not love you with my whole being. Please don't do this."
"It's already done." He said, miserably.
"Please. I'll be different, I'll be more careful, I...I'll stay behind, I won't fight, I'll be...I'll be whatever you want me to be."
"I want you to be alive." He whispered. "Please...don't make this any harder than it already is."
He held my shoulders, gently but firmly, stepping out of my embrace. I looked up at him, but I could barely see him through the tears that swam in my eyes. Some small part of me clung on to what was left of my dignity, and I sniffed, blinking my tears away. I was so close to breaking, that I didn't know if I could speak until I did.
"You should go." I said, quietly.
"Lauren, I'm so-"
"Go. Please." I said, turning from him. I couldn't watch him walk away from me. I wouldn't let that be an image that my mind could use against me. I heard his footsteps fade and the door close behind him and I collapsed to the ground as I felt the dam break inside of me and I wept. I wept like I hadn't wept since I was a child. My chest threatened to collapse in on itself but I didn't care.
I felt strong arms around my shoulders and heard Grayson whisper into my hair, but he might have been speaking another language. I couldn't hear him, couldn't hear anything. I didn't even hear the door open when he came in. I barely registered that he'd lifted me into his arms. I hardly noticed when Leliana joined us, in his room, to help undress me. I wasn't present when he laid me down on his bed, and held me until I fell asleep. None of it mattered. I wasn't there. I was burning on my funeral pyre, and suddenly the flames felt like a kindness.
AN: Don't hate me ok it wasn't my fault, it was Alistair! Stupid Alistair. All noble and whatnot.
Please review! Let me know what you think and raise your hand if you feel personally victimised by this chapter.
Eiris: I am working my way through but I'm loving it so far! I'll do a bit more reading tonight before bed. Even though I should be doing uni work lol hate myself
Never33: The next chapter is going to just be Lauren growling and powering up. Can't wait for her to turn Super Saiyan, gonna be a right laugh. Also, sorry to confirm your fears with this chapter but I couldn't help it.
Chimera Spyke: Yep, the Larry thing took me by surprise as well. I had no idea he was going to react like that until I wrote it lol. I have some ideas about where that's going though. There's actually quite a massive thing that I had planned to do when I first started writing this story, but I just don't know if it fits anymore? Like I kind of feel that if I wrote it out and posted it everyone would just be like wtf come on this is ridiculous. I'll deliberate a bit more and see where the wind takes me.