I woke, panting and shivering, in the darkness. My head throbbed from the wine and as everything came flooding back to me, I buried my face into the pillows, longing for the escape of sleep once more. When I felt a strong arm drape across my waist, I opened my eyes again, with a start, rolling over quickly and clinging to his still-sleeping form.
"I had the worst dream." I whispered, finding his lips in the darkness, so grateful that he was still mine. He woke, slowly, returning my kiss at first before freezing, and gently retracting his face from mine.
"Lauren?"
My heart skipped a beat when I recognised his voice, and suddenly I remembered where I'd fallen asleep. I remembered where I had been falling asleep every night for the last four nights. This had been a nightly occurrence, that in my half-awake state I would reach for Alistair and find Grayson instead. The realisation hit me, and in my mind I lost him all over again. I was too distraught to even feel embarrassed about the mix-up, and I threw myself against his chest, crying silently. Grayson held me close to him, and stroked my hair while I wept, whispering words of comfort to me in the darkness.
"How could he do this to me?" I whispered. "How am I supposed to live my life?"
"I'm sorry, kitten. I tried. I tried to talk him out of it. He thinks he's doing the right thing by you." He croaked, hoarsely.
"How can this be right?" I sobbed. "How can this be right when it hurts so much?"
"Ssshh." He hushed me, gently, holding me tighter. "You're strong. You'll get through this."
"I don't feel strong." I wept, shamelessly. "I feel like I can't breathe. I can't breathe."
He rocked me, gently, but sleep was beyond me. I was vaguely aware that I was in my small-clothes - the same low-cut smock and bloomers I had worn under my dress for the feast - I hadn't bathed, or changed, or eaten, or spoke to anyone other than Grayson and Leliana. Grayson slept in just a pair of long-johns, but the warmth of his skin on mine soothed me, a little.
His breathing grew deep and even again just before dawn, and thinking I might be sick, I extricated myself from his arms and dragged my useless body to the washroom, waving a hand absent-mindedly at the candle on the writing desk that sat flush against the nearest wall. I stumbled, like a zombie, and collapsed on the cold, stone floor of the washroom, holding the mercifully empty chamber pot in front of me and fighting the waves of nausea as my chest continued to be wracked, painfully, with sobs that were outwith my control.
Suddenly, my eyes flew open, and I turned my head, slowly, back to the now dimly-lit bedroom. Something new joined the pain in my heart: something an awful lot like fear.
It's just your mind playing tricks. I promised myself. Just ignore it.
I tried to, but the nauseated feeling had subsided, replaced by the familiar feeling of fight-or-flight, and I pushed myself gingerly to my feet and walked slowly back into the room. My hands flew to my mouth to stifle a silent cry when I saw the flame dancing lazily on the candle-wick. I approached it, tentatively, shaking my head in denial, as I dropped myself down until I was eye-level with it. I held out a hand, passing it through the flame to confirm that I wasn't simply imagining it. I retracted it, quickly, when the heat became too uncomfortable to bear.
I drew myself up straight, looking around at Grayson, still asleep on the bed, and then back down at the impossibly lit candle.
"Nope." I said, simply, blowing the flame out and crawling back into bed, hugging my knees to my chest.
I didn't know what had happened. All I knew was that I had waved my hand at a candle, and the candle lit up all on it's own. Maybe it was a magic candle? That was the only explanation I was willing to accept. Because if it wasn't, then that would mean that I...nope. It didn't make sense, and I had had about enough of all of the things in this world that didn't make sense.
The only thing that had made complete, perfect sense to me was Alistair. And now, that was gone.
"I've never been dumped before." I said, numbly. I felt Grayson stir beside me, and felt his hand lightly graze my hip. "I didn't know it could feel like this. Love. Sucks."
"Yeah." He agreed, shifting closer to me. "It really does."
"How can you think you know someone so well, and then they...how does anyone ever trust anyone else?" I asked, turning to face him. "Everyone's a liar. Some people lie with their words. Others lie with a kiss. A touch. A contented sigh in their sleep when they pull you closer to them. They make you feel safe, and warm, and loved. And then…"
"I would very much like to hurt him." Grayson said, staring up at the ceiling. "But I think he's hurt himself enough, for now."
"I want to hate him." I confessed. "I want to be angry with him. I keep trying to be. But I can never get it to stick. My anger is as hollow as a pin-pricked egg. I just...I love him so much. I hate myself. I wish I could take it all back. You know, he broke up with me in the same spot where he first kissed me?" I shook my head in disbelief. "I mean, who does that?"
"Alistair."
"Please don't...say his name." I said, swallowing. "It makes me want to scream. I just...when he first told me he had feelings for me, I wasn't going to pursue it. I really, really wouldn't have but I...I couldn't help myself. I fell for him so quickly. I'm such an idiot. You know I used to roll my eyes at girls like me? Oh, Louise Carmichael would feel so smug if she could see me right now."
"Hey." He said, gently. "You're fine. You fell in love. It's not a weakness. It was really brave, you know? I know that this is still...about as raw as a hurt can be. But please don't let it turn you bitter."
"Oh, is that what the taste in my mouth is?" I asked, glumly.
"That might be the red wine." He said, with a hint of disapproval. I had been drinking myself to sleep every night, and he had allowed it, because drinking myself into oblivion was the only way I found peace, if even for a few hours.
"I looked so good that night." I said, as a tear rolled down my face. "How could he break up with me when I was in that dress?"
"Maker only knows." He sighed. "If I was him...the things I would do to get you out of that dress? You don't even want to know."
I choked out a laugh, and he grinned down at me. I knew he was just trying to make me feel better, but it still worked. For about half a second, anyway.
"Do you think...do you think it's really over?" I asked, quietly, too ashamed by the hope in my voice to meet his eyes. "Do you think maybe...is there a chance that he might…?"
"I don't know, kitten." Grayson said, sympathetically. "I wish I could just cast a magic spell and take all of the pain away."
My eyes snapped up to meet his and a sudden thought struck me.
"What?" He asked, looking worried.
I sat up, as the cogs of my mind turned, and I looked back down at him, before leaping out of bed and racing to the door.
"Lauren! Gah…" I heard him padding across the floor to follow me, as I made my way down the corridor, spinning this way and that, before I realised that I had no idea where everyone was sleeping. As he approached me, rubbing sleep out of his eyes, I rounded on him.
"Which one is Morrigan's room?"
"Morrigan?"
"Yeah. Wynne would never do it because it's probably forbidden magic, but Morrigan-"
"What's this about?"
"Well, it's like you said. You wish you could just cast a spell and make it stop hurting, but you can't. But Morrigan-"
"Lauren…" Grayson started, in a warning tone, but I brushed him off.
"Grayson, please. I need it to stop." My voice cracked on the last word and he pulled me into a hug. "I just need it to stop."
"It will." He assured me. "But this...isn't the way. There is no magic cure for heartache, kitten. You just have to endure. I know it's hard. I know it is. I know it feels like it's always going to hurt his bad, but I promise you, you are stronger than you feel right now. Hmm?" He pulled back to look down at me, rubbing my arms in encouragement.
"But I…"
"I know. But we have to keep going, anyway."
"But it just hurts so-"
"Keep going, anyway. Keep going, anyway."
I sniffed, leaning into him again, and he held me, tightly.
A door opened, and I didn't have to look up to know who had joined us in the corridor. I would recognise his footsteps anywhere. Grayson stiffened, holding me closer.
"Oh." Alistair said, in a small voice. "I didn't mean to interrupt. I heard…"
"We're fine." Grayson said, in a strained voice. "Really."
"Is there...is there anything I can do…?" He sounded so sincere, so willing to help, that it ignited a fiery ball of rage inside of me. I fought out of Grayson's grasp and turned to him. Seeing him almost knocked the air from my lungs, and for a second, I forgot that I was angry, but then I saw that look on his face. That kind, caring, helpless frown, as if he wasn't the one who had carved the hole in my chest.
"Can you take the last five months back?" I asked, in a low, dangerous voice.
"Lauren, I…"
"Don't!" I hissed. "Don't...say my name like that."
"Like what?"
"Like you love me."
"But...I do, I…"
"Then don't say my name at all. Don't speak to me. Don't look at me, don't even think about me." I snapped, as I closed the distance between us and drew myself up to my full height, painfully aware that I was still dressed in my small-clothes and he was bare-chested. "I trusted you. And you chose the time when I'm at my weakest, when I need you the most, to rip my heart out of my chest. And now you want to know how you can help?"
He looked down at me with hurt-filled eyes, and I backed away from him, shaking my head.
"I mean it, Alistair. Stay away from me. Maker forgive you, because I can't." I said, turning from him before he could see the tears run down my face. I strode back to Grayson's room and slammed the door closed, behind me. Grayson opened it a moment later, hesitantly, and I shook my head at him, rolling my eyes at my loss of control. "Sorry you had to see that. I don't want to put you in the middle, I just...I couldn't."
"No need to apologise." He said, "Look...you and...him. You're my best friends. I've always been in the middle. Now is no different. I'll be here for you. But I have to be here for Alis...him...too."
I nodded, and tried not to feel like he was betraying me. I didn't want Alistair to be ostracised from the group. Of course, I didn't. He was important, to the world, and to his friends. He was important to me, as much as I wished that wasn't the case. But that didn't mean that it didn't hurt. It didn't mean that I didn't feel completely alone.
"Ah, shit." Grayson said, suddenly.
"What is it?"
"I just remembered...a letter came for you. From that Templar."
"Oh. That's okay, I'll get it later."
"No, I mean...well, you were dead at the time. So I read it."
I narrowed my eyes.
"Grayson...if you're about to say what I think you're about to say…"
"I wrote back to him. To let him know that you..." He winced at the horrified look on my face. "I'm sorry! But...you were dead and he said all this stuff about how he hadn't heard from you and he was worried and I...I thought I was doing the right thing."
"It's okay. It's not your fault. I have to write to him. Tell him I'm okay."
"How are you going to explain…?"
"Oh, who knows? My brain is mush, right now." I said, with a defeated sigh. "But still. I don't want to let him keep believing I'm dead."
"I can take you to the study now, if you like?" He asked, hopefully, seemingly sensing an opportunity to get me to leave the room.
"No, I...if it's okay, I think I might just stay in bed for a while. Mope. Cry. Listen to the world spin. You know. Feats of strength." I said, with a sarcastic smile.
"That's okay. Whatever you need to do. I understand." He replied, kissing my forehead. I heard his stomach growling and he looked down at me, hesitantly.
"Go. Eat." I said, waving him off. "I'm fine here."
"You're sure?"
"I promise." I lied.
"Are you sure you won't come with me? You can't keep drinking the way you have been and not eating. It's not good for you."
"I know...I'll eat something soon, I just…"
"Do you want me to bring you something to eat?"
I shook my head.
"I don't think I could eat right now if I wanted to." I said, "Honestly, go, I'll be okay on my own."
He threw on a tunic and pulled some pants on, hugging me tightly before he left.
"I love you, kitten. You know that, right?" He asked, as he hovered in the doorway.
"I love you too." I whispered.
And then he was gone, and I was alone. The word reverberated around my head. Alone.
I sniffed, returning to sit on the bed. Before I lay down, my eye caught sight of the candle on the writing desk again, and I frowned, thoughtfully. I waved my hand, experimentally, but nothing happened. I sighed, in relief. I must have been sleep-walking or something. I fell back into the pillows, rolling over to face the wall so as not to have to confront the empty side of the bed. I stared, unseeingly, at the candle, as a million thoughts raced through my mind, each of them incoherent and painful.
And then the candle burst into life, once more.
Well, fuck. I had almost convinced myself I'd imagined it. But that would have been too easy. And as the world was determined to demonstrate to me as of late, easy just wasn't meant for me.
AN: So we did a time jump, but that was for both our sakes. You didn't want to read four days worth of Lauren not speaking and just crying all the time, and I didn't want to write it. So this chapter is a little shorty, but I wrote this and the next together, like companion chapters, because the next one is just internal monologue so they kind of make up a full-length chapter together, yes? Yes. Good. I'm glad we agree.
So, Lauren has magic? Whaa? Don't worry, I know what I'm doing, nothing world-breaking, everything has an in-universe explanation etc ad nauseam. A little faith, if you please, good people.
Leave your reviews on this one or the next or both, you know I just like getting those little dopamine hits delivered by email.
GrayAngel13: I'm sorry you were disappointed, but I never actually planned for them to break up. Lauren's not going anywhere though, she cares too much about Grayson (and Alistair, still), she wouldn't be selfish enough to abandon them now. As for whether or not they'll get back together or Alistair will be king, I'm afraid I can't confirm or assuage your fears without basically spoiling a lot of the story, but I hope you can stick around to find out. As for the Wynne conversation, it was something she said to both of them, after Morrigan brought it up around the campfire.
Chimera Spyke: On my recent playthrough, I didn't harden Alistair and he dumped my ass after the Landsmeet, and I suddenly hated him with a burning fiery passion? So I imagine that's a bit of what you're feeling right now lol. Still canon Alistair but JUST...the worst. Oh, he's not really though, is he? He's a lovely man, and he has a good heart, he's just doing what he thinks is right. It just SUCKS for Lauren, because it kind of takes away her agency, you know? Like...don't hurt me to protect me, let me decide for myself if I want protection, jackass! But yes, you're right. Stronger than death, stronger than life and stronger than heartbreak. Such a good line. I've been there though, my friend, and you'll get through it right along with Lauren. Tough cookies all round.
Mihoshi 2.0: Well now I'm going to have to write bats into the world for you lol. I'm glad you enjoyed that chapter, and I'm sorry to break your heart with the last one, but you know what they say about coal and diamonds and pressure, right? Or...something. It'll all be fine. Probably.
SoccerGirl4Life30: I'm so sorry. Honestly, I took a break from reading about the complexities of the Stuxnet cyber attack which already sent me into a downward dread cycle because the world is even scarier than I had previously thought, to write these chapters, and now I'm going back to it, so really, I'm doing this to us both. We're in this together, sister.
LeliMor29: All good questions! All questions with answers, I promise. And yeah, I know what you mean. I didn't want to deify Alistair too much, after we've already seen canon Alistair make some...hmmm...we'll say QUESTIONABLE moves. But I do love him, despite his flaws, so it's not going to be an Alistair bashing from here on in either lol