Belly

I spent the morning after my birthday in bed. When Taylor came in to drag me out, I told her I was feeling sick. Since then, I've mostly been left alone as no one wants to catch a summer cold. But really, I've just been laying here feeling emotionally hungover. And maybe a little of the regular hungover as well.

Yesterday was so overwhelmingly amazing. But I don't know what to do about Conrad. He's been so amazing this summer. Really he's been so amazing every time I've seen him since he left that hotel room. I keep laying here playing through every interaction with him. The flirting, the fighting, the awkwardness, the laughter, and god.. The singing.. I found the song he played, 'I'd Run to You' by CJ Starnes. I have been playing it non stop through my ear buds, I even copied down the lyrics. Over analyzing every word. He didn't just pull that song out of nowhere. He hadn't messed up even one note. Who had he been singing that song for? Agnes? He swears she was just a friend. Had he just been playing it to himself? I thought back to all the times I could remember him locked in his room learning all his favorite songs. All the songs defined him. Is that one of them now?

I rolled over and faced the dresser where Junior Mint used to sit. When I got here, I added him and Mildred to the box in the closet. I didn't want to look at them, it would lead to false hope and another let down. Because that's all Con ever does in the end. Gives me hope just to rip it away. I rolled out of bed and grabbed the box from the closet. I need to add the Venus necklace to it.

This box holds all the bits of my broken heart. It hurts looking into it, it physically hurts to breathe when I let myself look into this box. I pull out Junior Mint and Mildred and hug them both before sitting them to the side. Then I pulled out the polaroids from the party we threw when we thought the house would be sold. It's funny, it used to be me staring at him in all our pictures. But in these, it was Con looking down at me. There were pictures of us from every summer in this box, except last year when I didn't come back. Us with ice cream on our faces, us with the stray dog Connie had found one year, me buried in the sand on the beach and Conrad decorating the area around my face.. And so many from the summer he started really seeing me. Us dancing at the deb ball, us with our volleyball trophy, us dancing in the snow, us at prom… I scattered them around me to take them all in. The receipt from the secret impromptu trip to Stanford was laying below the pictures. That trip held all my vulnerability in it, all the regrets that I had for picking Jere that year instead of Conrad. For not calling him out when he took back what he had said that night in the hotel room. The receipt was a reminder of how I always end up let down when I run to him. I laid it to the side as well. There were the letters I had written to him, but never had the courage to send. Letters that dated all the way back from when I was just a scrawny 12 year old, writing silly love letters to a 14 year nerdy boy. I was never embarrassed by the way I loved him. Just too scared of being rejected. Some things never change. There were dried daisies that he had picked me one summer that I had pressed and laminated. I had used them as bookmarks for so many years. I would run my fingers along the ridges of the protected petals as I read romances, picturing the characters as Conrad and myself. Then, at the bottom of the box, was the infinity necklace. I sighed, pulling it out. Just for today, I allow myself to wear both necklaces. I hold Junior Mint close to my chest, and reach for the Stanford sweater he had given me. I hadn't managed to put it into the box yet, but after today it would be tucked away too. But for now, I let myself fall apart again. I turned the song he had sang on full blast. I expected tears to come, I needed to cry. To remember all the hurt. But my eyes remained dry. Is this moving on? To acknowledge the pain and have no tears? I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the bed and sighed. Who am I fooling? I'm not crying because I'm letting myself fall for him again. I never should have come back here. This place is littered with memories of us, the good and the bad.

I opened my eyes to find blue ones staring back into mine. I jumped, slamming my head into Jeremiahs. I ripped the ear buds out and rubbed my forehead. "Owwwww. What are you doing, you creep?!"

"Well, I made you some soup to help you feel better. But that was before I realized you weren't summer sick… You're love sick." He said, amused. He was taking in my tiny floor shrine to Conrad.

Oh.. My.. God.. Thiscannotbehappeningtomerightnow. I dropped my head back on the bed and covered my face with my arms. "GO AWAY JEREMIAH."

"Look, you can't deny it. I've been laying here for a while. I tried to knock but you didn't reply, so I came in to check on you." He stood and shut the door before sitting on the floor next to me. "You want to talk about it?"

I groaned. "With you? Jesus Jere."

He pulled my arms off my face and tugged on me until I finally looked at him. "We are always going to be friends, Belly. I know I went about it the wrong way that night, but I meant it when I said I wouldn't come between you again. And that includes not letting it be weird when you need a friend. So please… just talk to me."

Oh, now the tears want to show up. I sniffled a bit and reached up for the necklaces hanging around my throat. "I don't know.. It doesn't feel right to talk to you about this stuff."

He nodded and started sorting through the items on the floor. "I remember this day," He picked up a picture of the four of us on the beach. I was maybe 10. We had a contest to see who could build the best sand castle. Steven and Jere teamed up, and theirs was incredible. Mine kept crumbling. But then Conrad had come back from surfing and told me I needed a partner too, that it wasn't fair two against one. Together we had built a tiny sand kingdom. Our moms had been the judges, and our team had won. I think this was probably the first picture of me mooning up at him. He was always coming to my rescue. "Steven and I were such jerks to you back then. It's no wonder you always like Con better. He hated to see you upset, even then running to make you happy."

Then he picked up the plane receipt. He stared at it for a long time, with mixed emotions on his face. "He told me when we called… He said he didn't know where you were." He looked up at me, an old sadness in his eyes. "He never told me you went to him."

I gently pulled it from him. "That's because he doesn't know." I said softly, putting it back in the box.

"So… what? The date is just a coincidence? You just happened to hide out in California, in the same town, right after we broke up, without seeing him?" He didn't sound accusatory, no hint of the old jealousy. Just amused.

"Yes, and no." I said, really not wanting to talk about this. I took the necklaces off and added them to the box as well. I started packing everything back in neatly, trying to avoid looking at him.

"Bells… just tell me…"

My mouth was dry. "I didn't know where else to go where you wouldn't find me right away. And it's like you said.. He was always there when you were a jerk. But this time, it was me running to him. Except…" I choked up now, and cleared my throat. "Except when I was standing across the street from him, I saw Agnes run and jump into his arms. And I knew it wasn't my place to run to him anymore." I shook my head, still not looking at him. "I felt so alone that week. So broken on every level. I decided then I had to focus on myself and give up on love. After all, I had already had two great loves… Two great heartbreaks… Asking the universe for more would just be selfish.. And self destructive. So that's what I did. I took a long look in the mirror, and changed myself into a woman I would be proud to see looking back at me. And I am proud. I have accomplished so much in the last few years. I love who I see now. I am strong. I am independent. I am bold. I am confident. I am-"

"Are you happy?" He interrupted.

I hesitated. "Of course I am."

He rolled his eyes. "Cool, now trying telling the truth."

"I am happy! Mostly.."

"You know you could still be all those amazing things while still letting someone in." He said, taking the now full box from me. "You don't have to only feel things when you sit in front of this box."

"Jere…" He slid the box back into its place in the closet and kneeled in front of me. He took my face into his hands and leaned his forward against mine.

"Can we do ESP one last time?" He said softly.

I swallowed dryly, "Yeah.. for old times sake.." I teased lightly.

"You are thinking… deep deep down… that you and Con are soul mates." I scoffed and pulled my face away. But he pulled my back. "I'm still reading, stay still. You are thinking that you are scared to let him back in. But you can see he has also changed into a man you can be proud of. And you are conflicted." I shoved him off and rolled my eyes.

"You've lost your touch." I said.

"Or you're in denial." He looked back at the box in the closet. "If you're really all that bold now, you'll think about giving him another chance." He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead before standing up. "There's soup on your nightstand, you should still eat even if you're faking sick." He said laughing. He stopped on his way out the door, "I'm really glad you let me in today, Bells. I missed you."

"I missed you too, Jere. But if you tell anyone about this," I said gesturing towards myself and the box in the closet, "I'll kill you." He laughed and shut the door behind him.

I groaned and threw myself back onto the bed to return to my pity party. But then my stomach made a horrendous noise, and I realized Jere was right about at least one thing. I should eat. But is he right about the rest? I groaned again and sat up to eat my soup and try to work through my own feelings. Fucking Jeremiah.