Hello everyone! Welcome to chapter 30 in this long-winded tale! I hope you all had wonderful holidays and are looking forward to the coming year. May it bring you all joys both hoped for and unexpected.
Thank you all for your response to chapter 29. I appreciate so much both your continued support of this story and of my health. I have been doing quite well recently with the exception of a few very minor health hiccups, and I've discovered that working full time suits me quite well. Nor does it hurt that I am currently in one of my most favorite places on earth.
Well, that's really all the yammering that I have to do for this chapter. Enjoy!
Mini history lesson for today:
-fertility beliefs in the Heian period: It was difficult to find too many articles about fertility beliefs in the Heian period, but the little I did find in my research suggested that, like most cultures before the advent of modern medicine, they did not have the clearest idea of the cause and effect relationship between intercourse and pregnancy. They were, of course, aware that intercourse was involved in the process, however such things as fertility rituals like prayers and offerings to the kami were also believed to be integral to the process.
-sitting seiza: You've likely seen this happen in anime/manga before, but it's basically just a very formal sitting position in Japan. It's also extremely uncomfortable if you ever attempt to do it for an extended period of time, so it's often used to show seriousness or commitment.
It was difficult to breathe.
Kagome crashed into consciousness abruptly, her mind registering nothing save an urgent need for air. She bolted up, blinking for several long moments and breathing heavily.
Dazedly she took in her surroundings, realizing that it had been the press of her futon against her nose and mouth that had been smothering her as she slept. She wondered why she had fallen asleep atop her futon rather than tucked within it.
For that matter, why had she not bothered to put on a sleeping yukata before retiring for the night? Her robes were in an awful disarray, bunched and wrinkled and untucked. She was missing her chest bindings entirely-
Kagome froze.
The events of the previous night swept over her like a wave. For a moment she had trouble catching her breath.
What had she been thinking? Had she been possessed? She had been thoughtless, rash, ridiculously irresponsible-
She forced herself to take a deep breath, smoothing back her hair with both hands.
What had she been thinking? Not much beyond the feel of Inuyasha's hands and how much she wanted just one thing of her own, just one part of him that she could keep for herself. She had most certainly gotten that.
Kagome felt a warm flush beyond that of mere embarrassment suffusing her. She and Inuyasha had…
She could scarcely bring herself to finish the thought. She could, however, remember the look on Inuyasha's face as it hovered just above her own. The feel of his frame, all corded muscle, moving against hers.
Strangely enough this line of thought calmed her somewhat. She had been with Inuyasha. Whatever might come next, that could not be taken from her.
She had been selfish. She did not regret it.
"O-Miko-sama?" a soft voice called from just beyond the shoji to her chamber.
Kagome jumped slightly. Her eyes slid from the outline of the slight figure kneeling outside of the shoji to the high window across from her. The faint light of morning was only just beginning to color the sky.
Kagome frowned. She was in the habit of rising early on her own, but on the few mornings that she did choose to sleep later the servants rarely came to wake her at this hour.
"O-Miko-sama?" the voice called hesitantly again.
"Yes?" Kagome forced herself to respond.
"The Tennō-sama is here," the servant spoke, relief coloring her tone at Kagome's response. "His Majesty is requesting that you share breakfast in your chambers."
Kagome went cold.
Inuyasha.
Her earlier panic was back in full force. Perhaps she did not regret what she had done, but she had not been the only one who had done it.
What had driven Inuyasha to pursue her…she had not allowed herself to think much about it. He had wanted her and she had wanted him and that had been the extent of what she had allowed herself to consider.
But how to face him now?
Surely it had merely been an impulse that he had lost control of. They were both under a great deal of stress with all that was going on in and around the court and on top of that he had recently lost Kikyou. Under such circumstances it was not difficult to imagine that someone might be driven to a moment of madness, and men of the court were notorious for following their lusts wantonly.
…but when had Inuyasha ever been like any other man of the court? Like any other man at all? Her own reasoning rang hollow to her.
"O-Miko-sama?" the servant called tentatively.
Kagome shook herself. She was overthinking this. Sooner or later she would have to face him. Better that she accept that it had merely been a wayward impulse on his part and move forward.
"I will require a moment to ready myself," she called. "Please inform his Majesty."
"Of course, O-Miko-sama," the servant replied. "Will you require someone to assist you?"
Kagome glanced down at herself. Her robes were a mess, her chest bindings missing entirely, and there was a mark or two in the hollow between her neck and shoulder that she was certain would not go unnoticed.
"No, that will not be necessary," she replied. "I will call when I am ready."
She watched as the outline of the figure bowed, rose, and scurried off down the hallway. She rose, hurriedly shedding the remnants of her rumpled clothes. She wanted to distance herself from the happenings of the previous night as much as possible. She needed to if she was going to face him with any semblance of equilibrium.
Kagome rewrapped her chest in fresh bindings, careful to tighten them enough that her already modest breasts were practically indistinguishable. She then slipped on a fresh under robe, haori, and hakama. She tied the sash tight, tugging and adjusting until scarcely a glimpse of flesh was visible.
She ran a comb quickly through her hair, tying it back neatly at the nape of her neck. After a brief survey of her room, she tidied her futon and pushed it off into a corner. The room was not exactly neat, but he was the one insisting on her chamber as a meeting place.
She smoothed her hands down the front of her robes one last time, taking a deep breath before moving toward the shoji. She slid it open, calling softly down the hall to draw the attention of one of the servants. She instructed the servant to inform the Tennō that she was ready to receive him before returning to her room.
Kagome knelt down, bracing herself as she folded her hands in her lap. She could do this. She had made her decision. She did not regret it.
The clatter of the shoji on its hinges froze her, her eyes fixed on her lap. The faint creaking of tatami beneath his feet might as well have been thunder to her ears. She could feel the blood rushing to her face.
The shoji clattered shut once more and there was silence. Kagome willed herself to lift her head, to meet his eyes as she normally would. She could not.
The silence was deafening.
"You…left early."
The words, lame as they were, broke the tension, and Kagome released a breath she had not been aware she was holding.
"I was tired," she said softly. "I wanted to rest."
"…Oh."
The word was small, filled with an uncertainty that was rare for him. She heard him step forward hesitantly, heard the rustle of his robes as he knelt down near her.
Kagome tensed, praying he would not move to touch her. She could not bring herself to move away.
"Are you…alright?" he asked.
At last she managed to lift her gaze, the concern in his voice catching her.
"I'm fine," she said softly.
The uncertainty in his face made him look younger than his years. Everything in his posture strained towards her, though he did not make any further moves to reach for her. Kagome's heart ached.
"You left," he repeated.
Kagome bit her lip, swallowing back a rush of feeling. How had she ever thought that this would be easy?
"Please sit," she said, gesturing to the spot across from her.
"Kagome…"
"Please."
Inuyasha hesitated a moment before taking a seat. He knelt across from her, close enough to touch even as he was careful not to. His hands were clenched tight in his lap.
"I don't…get it."
The words were like a blow. Kagome shut her eyes against them, willing herself not to crack. He was confused. She simply needed to make things clear for him.
"Last night," she began, fighting to keep from choking on the words. "Please forget it."
She could not meet his eyes. The silence that followed had enough weight to press down her shoulders.
"Kagome…"
The word was faintly choked. A hand fell upon hers, reaching. Kagome winced, hastily withdrawing her hand. The flesh there felt as if it were burning.
"It was foolish of me," she forced the words out, terrified of what he might say if she did not fill the silence. "A whim on both our parts. We're both under a great deal of strain. And you don't have to feel responsible at all. It was…it was my choice, as well. A foolish choice, as I've already said. We'll just…we just need to forget."
"Kagome..."
He did not try to touch her this time.
"You…You want me to just forget?"
Kagome wanted to curl in on herself, to cover her ears. Surely it could not mean so much to him. It had been a whim. Nothing but a whim, born of frustration and perhaps loneliness.
"As I said, you need not feel responsible," she said with a firmness she did not feel. "You need not think you owe me anything. You do not. Besides, neither of us are foolish enough to forget about Fujiwara-sama."
Even as she spoke the name Kagome knew it was a low blow. Inuyasha's estranged former wife-or was it still current wife?-had been a subject that was almost entirely taboo between them. Somehow it steadied her to say the name aloud, though. Inuyasha must miss Kikyou terribly. She has simply been the one who was there. It was bracing, like walking head on into a freezing wind.
Judging by the way that Inuyasha flinched, she guessed his feelings ran along the same lines. She watched from beneath the fringe of her lashes as some of the color drained from the hanyou's face.
The moment of realization. The moment he understood what she already knew so well-that he was merely misdirecting his feelings. It should not have hurt so much as it did.
"You see," she said, her voice far smaller than she had intended it to be. "It was a mistake. No one will hold it against you. Simply forget it."
She rose, unable to force herself to be still any longer. She moved swiftly to the shoji, catching sight of the hanyou's motionless form only out of the corner of her eye as she went.
"Pardon me," she murmured, her hand already sliding the shoji open. "I have things that I need to attend to."
She slid the shoji closed behind her, hurrying down the hallway. She narrowly avoided barreling into a servant carrying a tray filled with small breakfast dishes.
"O-Miko-sama?" the woman said, blinking as she rebalanced the tray on her arm. "Will you not be needing breakfast? His Majesty was adamant that you should eat well this morning to keep up your strength."
It was a struggle to keep her expression neutral.
"His Majesty was mistaken," she said. "Breakfast will not be necessary."
The woman looked quizzical, but Kagome did not have the patience to deal with any further inquiry. She swept past the woman down the hall, not at all certain where she was going.
She ended up wandering for some time, the movement and the slightly brisk air of early morning serving to calm her enough that she could think clearly.
Curled up in the sheltering roots of the Goshinboku, she reaffirmed to herself that she did not regret what she had done. Once the agitation of her encounter with the hanyou that morning had cooled, she could remember the feel of his arms and the look on his face as he moved above her. The genuine affection that was there, directed entirely at her for a moment.
Perhaps his confusion over Kikyou's betrayal and his frustration over matters of the court had driven him to her, but in those moments that they were connected she had seen affirmed his care for her.
If there was one thing that she did regret, it was failing to consider Inuyasha's feelings in the matter. Inuyasha was a man of honor if ever there was one. Of course he could not touch a woman without feeling that he owed more to her, even if his actions were mere impulse and his feelings were elsewhere.
He still loved Kikyou. She did not doubt it. She could not doubt it.
Kagome simply needed to make sure that he believed her actions that night to be as much a matter of impulse as his had been. Once they were both clear on the matter, surely they could move past it and resume their usual relations.
Once she had thoroughly sorted herself out, she decided it would be best to resume her walk about the court. Since her near death experience and the events that had followed she had not found a chance to go out amongst the courtiers to gauge their mood. Now seemed as good a time as any, with all of the restrictions upon her having been lifted and the chances of Inuyasha seeking her out slim.
She gathered a guard from the Dairi and chose her route carefully, heading first toward the clan residence of the main branch of the Minamoto. With scarcely any prompting she was invited by wife of the headman of the Minamoto to join her for a light meal. Kagome agreed, though she had little appetite.
What came next she had not anticipated.
She found herself seated at the head of a long table, almost every available bit of the space at the table filled by people that she recognized vaguely to be heads of minor clans. The light meal was proving to be anything but.
It seemed as if every eye in the room was upon her as a servant poured her tea. Kagome fixed her eyes on the steam curling up from her mug as the servant moved away, realizing exactly what this was.
She was being sized up yet again. Kikyou had departed abruptly, taking with her the Minamoto's hope of having a human close to the throne. They needed another human in a position of power to fill that gap.
They also needed to see her in the wake of her encounter with Amatersu-sama. Much of the court had been witness to that incident. Surely speculation had spread like wildfire through the court, especially after she had been hidden away in the wake of it.
They needed to see for themselves some spark of divinity.
Things were uncertain in Kikyou's wake. Could the Tennō not keep even his own consort? And what was a ruler without his right hand? Many had been leaning towards support of Inuyasha, this Kagome knew. He had proven himself powerful, his father's true heir. They had believed him divinely guided and approved, her own actions taken as proof. Now they held their breath, watching and waiting to see what would come next.
Kagome wondered if perhaps this outing had been a bit premature on her part.
She drew a deep breath, lifting her eyes.
She straightened her shoulders, mimicking the graceful mien of the Empress that had once filled her with such a mix of admiration and envy.
If she needed to be both right and left hand, so be it.
With deliberate slowness she cupped the steaming mug of tea, bringing it to her lips. It gave her a moment longer to collect herself, but it was also gratifying to see several of the courtiers follow her lead.
She set the mug down once more, adjusting it so that the ceramic design faced just the proper angle.
"I thank you, cousins, for both your courtesy in welcoming me and your patience with me of late," she spoke at last, choosing her term of address deliberately.
She could see the confusion that flitted across some of their faces, slight outrage in a few. The majority accepted it with a naturalness that once would have seemed absurd to her.
"As you are all well aware, the past several days have seen great change within the court," she continued.
"If by change you mean chaos, then yes, quite a bit of change," a man broke in.
Kagome looked to him, thrown by the interruption. He met her gaze levelly, challenge in the hard set of his jaw.
"There has been a great deal of talk and action of late in regards to the people outside of this court," the man pressed on. "And no one is so blind as not to see what you and his Majesty have worked so hard to conceal."
"You disappear from the court for months on a mission to survey the residences outside of the court? And at the same time a great deal of the stored goods of the court are appropriated by his Majesty for some undisclosed reason? Your return to the court prompts the flight of the newly crowned Empress? Prompts her to go so far as even to attempt to have you killed? Her Majesty knew. She stood for the people of this court."
"You, however, O-Miko-sama, think us your enemies, do you not? You have made no secret of your desire to raise up the people from whom you came. Will you raise them up to destroy us? If Amaterasu-sama is a kami who cares nothing for order, who will give over some of her children in favor of others, then I am no adherent of hers!"
Kagome could do little more than stare at the man, her mind turning rapidly as she attempted to process the stream of accusations that had just been hurled at her. She had driven out the Empress? She was conspiring to raise the villagers up against the courtiers? And she positively squirmed at the implication that she and Inuyasha were...involved in some unseemly manner.
Did they all feel this way? She searched the other faces at the table. In many there was a clear distaste for the man's undisguised attack on her, but there was some similarity of sentiment in some. With a sudden chill she realized that many of them might indeed believe some, if not all, of what the man had spoken.
They looked to her now to confirm either their fears or their hopes.
Kagome lowered her eyes, her mind working furiously. She folded her hands tightly, forcing herself to take a breath and think before blurting anything out. Words were all that she had right now.
"Were it true that Amaterasu-sama cared only for some of her children and not others, then I would not be an adherent of hers either, cousin," she spoke slowly. "But I think you misunderstand. I will not-I cannot deny that I once thought the entire court my enemy, and that I have often since viewed myself in opposition to it."
She paused, bracing herself against the looks of outrage that naturally followed such a statement. She could feel the rightness of her own words, though, the truth of them, and she pressed on.
"But you need to be truthful, as well. Did you not often see the villages and I as your enemies in turn? That is, when you bothered to think of us at all. For a long time you had no qualms with Amaterasu-sama, when you thought that it was only you she cared for above them. Why now do you lose faith?"
She paused, turning her gaze to meet each one of theirs in turn. Some toyed with fans, avoiding her eyes. Others attempted to meet her gaze before theirs slid away. Some met her look, their expressions mixtures of guilt and defiance.
"What is it that you think that they want?" Kagome said. "It is not your power. It is not your positions. Most of them do not dream beyond survival. They want food and shelter and safety for their children. And I want that for them, as well, but not at your expense. Not at anyone's expense."
The man who had first spoken eyed her, his expression hard with distrust.
"Has not the Tennō-sama been attentive to your needs?" Kagome asked. "His Majesty has walked the streets of the court, listening to every complaint you have brought before him. His Majesty protected the court when youkai hordes threatened it-he made certain that you and your children would be safe in times to come. Was not the former Tennō-sama, may his soul inhabit peaceful places, a good ruler to you? His Majesty would not have been chosen to rule had not his honorable father thought him worthy."
"And what of the land his Majesty now takes from us?" a woman to her left spoke with icy softness. "What of the restrictions placed on our movements inside and outside of the court?"
Kagome frowned.
"His Majesty may have your best interests in mind and wish for your well being, but that is a thing apart from being a fool," she returned. "Not a one of you can sit here and tell me with any truth that you have forgotten the throne war. Not a one of you can say that you have supported his Majesty wholeheartedly in his reign."
The table fell silent. Some had the decency to look shamefaced. In others there was no remorse.
"My place is not to condemn you," Kagome continued more gently. "The right path is seldom the one that appears surest. You have had doubts about his Majesty. You have acted on those doubts. If you would correct yourselves now, look at his Majesty with clear eyes. See his Majesty's actions for what they are and then judge him if you will."
Silence met her words and none would meet her gaze. She could see plainly that it was not enough.
These were not people of faith. They needed something tangible, something more than mere promises.
"What would you say to a trade of good faith?" Kagome said.
Several sets of eyes warmed with interest.
"Trade?" her hostess echoed.
"A promise of sorts," Kagome said. "I will request that his Majesty lift the restrictions on your movements. I will also request that his Majesty speak directly with the clan heads, in addition to the Council, whenever his Majesty needs to appropriate any goods from you. You will be kept fully informed of his Majesty's plans."
All eyes were on her now. Kagome drew herself up, hoping she looked more certain than she felt.
"In return," she said. "His Majesty and I will request your sons and daughters."
There was a moment of deep silence before several voices broke into a confused chorus of questions. Kagome did not respond, but allowed them several moments to give voice to their concerns.
"A moment if you will, cousins," she said. "There is precedent for this. Did not the Tennō-sama and the Empress once choose from among the clans' sons and daughters to be brought into the Dairi?"
Sango had mentioned it to her once while they were on their mission outside of the court and the thought had been simmering in the back of her mind ever since. It was a bit spur of the moment, perhaps rash of her to introduce the idea so suddenly now, but there was truth in what they had accused her of. She had viewed-and to some extent still did view-the courtiers as her enemies. But what sort of peace could they create for anybody in a world where some of its people were treated as mere hindrances?
If she were going to come to any sort of understanding with the courtiers, it had to start now.
"You mean his Majesty wishes to reinstate the appointments?" her hostess said.
Kagome nodded, keeping to herself the fact that she had not actually brought the issue up with Inuyasha as of yet. That was a matter to be dealt with later.
"It is high time," she said. "The appointments ceased because the court was in turmoil in the wake of the former Tennō-sama's passing, may his soul inhabit peaceful places. Those dark days have passed. As a sign of the good faith and cooperation amongst us, the appointments need to be resumed."
"Then the firstborn from among our clans-?" a man to her left began.
"No," Kagome broke in. "His Majesty will choose them himself."
Traditionally it would have been the firstborn sons and daughters of the clans that were sent to the Dairi, brought in in the past as a sign of the good relations between the Tennō and the courtiers. The appointments also served to foster good relations between the Tennō and the courtiers in that the Tennō often chose from those among them those who would become members of the Council or his closest personal advisors.
Inuyasha might be more agreeable to reinstating the practice if it were not the firstborns who were sent by default, considering his own history. Beyond that, though, Kagome had seen too much in the court of power given without reason and regardless of merit. If they were going to be choosing potential advisors or Council members, it would not be based solely off of the happenstance of birth order.
The courtiers looked to one another up and down the length of the table, fans twisting in a series of questions. Kagome waited patiently for the hushed conversations to die down.
"If his Majesty will be charged with overseeing our sons, then are we to assume that you will take charge of our daughters, O-Miko-sama?" asked a man halfway down the table on her righthand side.
Kagome nodded.
"That was my intention, yes," she said. "Do you find that agreeable?"
Under normal circumstances it would have been the former or current Empress to take charge of the daughters, according to what Sango had told her. If she was to be both right and left hand, though, this would be yet another duty for her to assume.
"Entirely agreeable," the man spoke, spreading his hands wide in an open gesture. "I simply wished to be certain that it would be you, O-Miko-sama, who will be overseeing his Majesty's future bride and his concubines. I trust, of course, that you will be an impartial observer in the matter."
He met her eyes, his gaze intent on her face for anything it might betray. Kagome struggled to keep her expression neutral, though her mind was sent racing.
Of course. Of course, of course, of course. It only made sense. Why bring women of the court into the Dairi if not to give the Tennō his pick of them? What better way to foster ties between the Tennō and his courtiers than by marriage? Sango had not mentioned it, but she should have had enough sense to work it out for herself.
And with the mess caused by Kikyou's departure and subsequent actions, it was no wonder that the courtiers expected Inuyasha to choose among them for a new wife. He had no other concubines or prospects and there was the matter of ensuring an heir...
Kagome folded her hands tightly, forcing her thoughts to be still. Her pulse thrummed too quickly in her veins and her face felt hot.
There had to be a limit. Surely she could not be expected to go this far. It had been hard enough to stand by and watch Inuyasha with Kikyou during their betrothal. To be asked to choose the woman with whom he would spend the rest of his life...
"There...there are yet matters to be dealt with in the wake of the former Empress'...departure," she hedged weakly.
"But once those matters are dealt with, you will work with his Majesty to select a new bride?" the man pressed.
Kagome's gaze shifted from his face down along the length of the table. The courtiers watched her expectantly. They suspected her of something. If she faltered now much might be lost.
"...Of course."
She felt as if she might choke on the words.
After the polite formalities of tea, snacks, and meaningless chatter were fulfilled, the courtiers gave their word that they would consider seriously what had been offered and Kagome was allowed to leave at last.
It had most definitely been too soon to attempt something like that. She felt as exhausted as if she had been running around the court all day rather than merely sitting down for tea.
She returned with her guard to her residence in the Dairi soon after. She had initially planned to put in a bit more of an appearance around the court, but after that trial she wanted nothing more than to curl up by herself for a bit.
The servants offered her a meal and tea upon her arrival, but she could scarcely stomach the thought. She begged off and asked to be left on her own to rest for awhile.
In her chambers she curled into a ball atop her futon, not bothering with the blankets. She wanted nothing more than to lay there for a time without thinking about anything, but thoughts crept in without her consent.
She needed to speak to Inuyasha. It had been foolish of her to introduce any of her ideas to the courtiers before talking them through with him first. There was no telling if he would even be amenable to them, though she thought them sound enough.
And how to even introduce the idea of bringing in women to the Dairi for him to pick from? The very thought turned her cold with dread.
He would never stand for it. There was still Kikyou to be thought of, and she knew he would never be done with the Empress. Nor did she wish to dismiss the woman when she still had so many uncertainties of her own, but she could see little way of redeeming Kikyou in the eyes of the court.
Perhaps a note would suffice to tell all that had happened to Inuyasha. They need not actually meet in order to communicate-
No. No, no, no. She had made certain choices knowing full well what the consequences would be. She could not allow those consequences to get in the way of her work with Inuyasha now.
Kagome groaned, snatching the edge of the blanket she lay atop and rolling until it partially covered her.
...her futon was not nearly so nice as his.
A thought that was half dream startled Kagome into wakefulness not long after she had dozed off. She scrambled out of the tangle of her futon, hurriedly righting her clothes.
She rushed from her residence without so much as a word to the servants or her guard. If Inuyasha were to find out he would likely have a fit, but she could scarcely afford to have them with her for this.
Mid-stride Kagome's thoughts began to catch up with her. She stopped so abruptly that she nearly tripped over her own feet.
She had no idea where she was going.
Kagura had given her a day, but the youkai had said nothing about where or when to find her.
Kagome looked to the sky, her heart sinking slightly as she saw that the veil of dusk was beginning to settle over it. Perhaps it was too late. Perhaps the offer had already expired.
No! She couldn't just let this go without trying. She could try going to the Taira residence-
She threw out that idea before it was even fully formed. The last place Kagura could have wanted to meet her was there.
Then where? Back at the Chūwain? But why there? Why not anywhere else?
Kagome stood rooted, her frame taught with indecision.
A wind swept up, tugging at her hair and the edges of her hakama. Kagome blinked, glancing around her. Nothing else was stirred by the wind.
She followed the pull. The breeze pulled her up and down side streets and through small passageways that she would never have known existed otherwise. For a time she tried to map the route it was taking her, but she soon lost track entirely.
The wind kicked up, pushing her through the small opening between a low wall and a small building. Kagome stumbled, tripping and catching herself hard on her hands.
Thankfully she had landed on a swath of grass. She pushed herself up, stretching her shoulders against the strain of the impact.
She blinked.
There was a small building before her, about the size of a hut in her village though it was smaller than the servants' quarters by the court's standards. The wood of it was warped and cracking, the one shoji door she could see crooked on its hinges. The grass surrounding it was overgrown, tall enough that it threatened to swallow the porch that wrapped the building.
But it was something beyond the ramshackle appearance of the building that struck her. It felt...familiar somehow.
"You look a mess."
Kagome jolted, startled. Kagura emerged from the deep gloom of the porch's overhang, eyeing her with faint distaste.
Kagome rose slowly, brushing grass and dirt from her hands and hakama.
"I apologize," she said. "I was not sure how to find you and-"
"I told you that I would find you when it was time, did I not?" Kagura said. "You really do look put off. You've looked a fool before, but never such a...bumbling fool."
Kagome frowned, but inwardly she had to acknowledge that there was some truth to her words. She had felt more than a bit off balance ever since the night before when-
"I'm fine," she spoke with a bit more vehemence than was necessary. "I just...where are we?
Kagura glanced at the rotting structure, something dark passing over her features.
"The place where I first had my heart stolen," she murmured.
Kagome frowned, not at all certain what to make of this rather cryptic statement. It was almost poetic, though Kagura did not strike her as the type at all.
"Nevermind," the youkai woman spoke abruptly, shaking her head. "What does it matter where we are, so long as we are not found? As pathetic as you look, I cannot afford to risk discovery."
Kagome scowled.
"You promised me something," she said.
Kagura's expression cooled. She nodded.
"One boon," she said. "Choose it wisely."
"I have questions that only you can answer for me, Kagura-sama," she said.
Kagura's look went flat.
"Questions?" she echoed. "I allow you anything and you choose to ask questions?"
Kagome's scowl deepened.
"And what would you do in my place?" she said. "Blindly order you to do something without any idea of what the consequences might be? There is a good deal yet that I don't know, so knowledge is where I have to start. Besides, asking you to do something for me in the court might get you caught and who knows what would happen then? At least information is somewhat safe."
Kagura looked at her for a long moment, brow furrowing faintly. She looked away, shaking her head.
"You would do better to mind your own affairs," she said. "Busying yourself with others will only slow you down."
She stepped down from the crumbling porch with inhuman grace.
"Ask your questions," Kagura said. "I will answer what I can."
It took Kagome no more than an instant to form her question.
"I need to know about the human boy who was brought into your clan years ago," she said. "I need to know about Onigumo."
Blatant shock lit Kagura's face, crimson eyes going wide. Slowly her lips curled into a smile that Kagome could only describe as soul deep satisfaction.
"It seems that I've chosen the perfect venue, then."
To hear the tale told by most, it began like many others with the beauty of a woman overpowering the reason of a man.
This, Kagura said, was a lovely twist that courtiers liked to place on their tales. It covered over the fact that this story like many others began and ended with tyranny and greed. A man saw something that he wanted and he had the power to take it, so he did. That thing just so happened to be a woman and that woman just so happened to be defenseless.
It would have been a tale like a hundred others if not for one small matter. The woman had a son, perhaps the only thing she had in the world that was truly her own, and if the son was not brought with her into the court then she threatened to take her own life.
The courtier who wanted her was not in the habit of dragging dirty brats back with him into the court, but what good was a dead mistress?
It did not hurt that she was exceptionally beautiful.
Kagura took little interest in the woman when she was smuggled into the court. The Tennō was no supporter of such dealings, but what his Majesty did not find out would not hurt him and it remained a fairly common practice. The woman was pretty enough for a human, but little more than that.
The brat was something else, though.
Kagura could still recall clearly the first time she had seen him. Filthy, clothed in little more than rags, so thin that the hollows of his cheeks were visible. He should have been a pathetic sight.
But he was not. His eyes were huge and dark with promise as they took in each courtier, measuring. He sat as straight on the back of the horse as if it were his own and not that of the man behind him who had taken him from his home.
Kagura had been surprised not only by her instant fascination with such a maudlin little wretch, but also by the faint fear she had felt curling inside her. It was not until some time later that she would learn that it was an instinct she should have heeded.
The matter of hiding the boy was more complicated than that of hiding his mother. She could be tucked away in one of the quarters most courtiers kept for their mistresses, hidden there among the low ranking women of the court and thus kept from the attention of his Majesty.
Initially they thought to place the boy among the servants. The boy proved to be nothing but a hindrance to the servants, though, refusing any task he was given and often escaping their watch to wander the court.
His mother also proved a problem when she learned that he had been placed there. She threatened her own life once more if he was not properly cared for. If she had to be some man's whore, then at least her son would be well cared for.
Besides this the man who had taken her, the headman of the Taira, seemed to share Kagura's odd fascination with the boy. He was only too ready to take the next step of adopting the boy into the clan as his own.
And so the boy was made a courtier, though he was kept largely in the shadows. After all, they still could not afford to have the entire story discovered.
As a part of his adoption he was renamed Naraku by his new father. But no name change, fine clothes, or court training would ever be enough to gain the boy any measure of acceptance within the court.
Nor did it help that his adoption by the headman placed him in line for an inheritance or a high ranking position within the clan, however unlikely it was that he would actually become the successor. The courtiers shunned him. Some went out of their way to make certain he knew that he would never have a place within the court, barring him from public court functions and at times even making it so that he could not return to the clan residence.
Which brought them to this building. It was no more than a shack really. Originally it had been the hideaway of one of the earliest Empresses, a small place where she could be on her own and keep a little garden. Such small buildings had gone out of fashion in the court not long after her death, and the building soon became no more than a storage shed for other relics that the court had grown tired of.
At some point it must have become Naraku's sanctuary. Perhaps it was because he could scarcely stand to be near courtiers longer than he had to. Perhaps it was because the smallness of the place reminded him of the hut he had once shared with his mother before everything had been taken from them. Perhaps it was because the place was closer to the building in which his mother was kept.
Whatever it might have been, Naraku took up his unofficial residence there. When he was not there Kagura often observed him roaming the court like a shadow, watching with eyes that seemed to see everything. She often suspected he knew more of the court than any courtier would ever know. Still he remained no more than a shadow in their midst.
Until the day his mother died. It was not sudden, nor was it particularly surprising. She held on for a good ten years before she passed. Kagura knew little about what exactly had happened to her save that it was said she had been wasting away since she had arrived. The woman simply lost the will to continue living. It was not an uncommon story. The body was sent off to be disposed of and that was the end of it.
A change overcame Naraku. It was slow, so gradual that it was difficult to notice. But Kagura had been watching since he had first arrived in the court, fascinated despite her better instincts.
It was a shift in energy, perhaps. Something about the essence of the boy was changing day by day. But Kagura could not understand it. And so, for the first time in her very long life, Kagura allowed herself to go against her own instincts.
She followed the boy- now grown into an inarguably appealing man, rivaling in looks his late mother-and he led her to this place. Only in retrospect could she say that he had led her. At the time she had believed that she trailed him in secret. It was not so.
This place then had the same aura it carried now. Otherworldly. Stained somehow. He had simply sat down on the porch, dark eyes hooded as he saw some vision she could not. She wondered how long this had been his retreat.
But for once wondering had not been enough for her. Kagura had found herself stepping forward, out of the shadows. She was not sure what she had thought to do by exposing herself. Perhaps some part of her had always wanted to help him.
There was no trace of surprise in his expression at the sight of her. He merely lifted a hand, beckoning her closer. And she went.
She could scarcely recall what was said between them. She was not entirely certain that anything had been said. There was simply the vague notion that he had somehow conveyed to her that he needed her, that if she had ever wanted to help him then there was no better time than that moment. And she had agreed.
In that moment she learned what had changed in him.
Whatever he was, he was no longer human. He reached into her-reached as if she were no more than air-and took the heart from her chest. He took it into himself, absorbing it. Even in the strange stupor that overcame her in those moments Kagura could see the other youkai pieces within him pulsing a welcome as a piece of her was added.
He had taken her heart from her, made it a part of himself. And she had not been the only one ensnared by him. Many others, those other parts of the thing that he had become, had been caught by him. They belonged to him now.
Not long after this encounter he disappeared for a time from the court. She could not say where he had gone, but there seemed to be another shift in him upon his return. Something had been decided. She understood it without him speaking a word. They were linked now.
Outwardly little changed about him. He was still no more than a shadow, scarcely known or noticed by anyone within the court. But something within the Taira clan itself was shifting. They had never been the most open or welcoming clan by any means, but slowly they began to close in on themselves.
Naraku had long spent a good deal of time in close quarters with the headman. The fascination the headman had felt towards the boy had shifted into a vague guilt upon his mother's death, and perhaps some of it was a fear that he did not entirely understand. At least this was what Naraku suspected and Kagura knew.
Whatever the root of it might have been, the headman indulged many of the young man's requests. A greater number of villagers taken into the ranks of the clan's guard. A little more land taken outside the court here and there. A larger investment in weapons each year. Naraku had great skill in making every request seem merely a suggestion and every suggestion seem utterly reasonable. Practical, even.
And so it was that one fine spring day the pair went out with a large party to hunt outside the court. It was nothing out of the ordinary. They had made the same trip plenty of times before.
Not one among the hunting party was ever to return to the court.
When several days later a search party was sent out to find them, there was little remaining beyond scraps of flesh and bone. It was impossible to distinguish one body from another, but days of combing the surrounding woods did not turn up any survivors.
Naraku died that day.
Kagome stared at the woman, wide-eyed.
"Onigumo-I mean, Naraku is…he's dead?"
A wry smile turned up one corner of Kagura's lips.
"Yes," she said. "He's dead."
Kagome felt as if something was falling out from beneath her. She had been so certain that following the trail of that unfortunate little boy would get her somewhere.
"No one mourned him," Kagura continued, though Kagome was scarcely listening. "Scarcely anyone even remembered his existence. He was nothing more than a dark cloud that had once passed over our sun. It was perfect really."
Kagome glanced at her, caught by some strangeness in her voice. Kagura's eyes met hers and there was no hint of a smile on her face now.
"After all, how can a dead man be blamed for anything?" she said. "That's insanity, you know."
Kagome watched her, not daring to interrupt. Kagura's eyes drifted away from hers, dark with some memory.
"Our current headman, Hakudoshi, grew up alongside Naraku," she said. "There was little love lost between the two. After all, even as an adopted son Naraku was a threat to his inheritance. But there was one day when Hakudoshi was gravely injured while riding to the clan's outer residence."
"Luckily for him Naraku was there to save his life, though everyone else had been certain that he was on the brink of death. Hakudoshi must have been thankful to his brother for that, for he carried on many of Naraku's projects even after he had passed."
Kagura paused, her look darkening further.
"And strangely enough it was not long after that that the Taira began to agitate within the court," she mused. "Small things, really. More land outside the court, greater freedom to trade outside the court, more food delegated to them from storage. Nothing that courtiers had not been whining about for years."
Kagura's eyes swept back to her.
"I think you might know the rest of this story," she said. "One day the Tennō simply disappeared. He was gone as if he had never been, and the court declared him dead soon after because the body cannot survive without a head. What no one could have anticipated was his Majesty's last will- that the half breed, son to a woman who was not even an official concubine, take the throne rather than his first born, who was both a pure-bred youkai and son to the recently deceased Empress. But that was alright. If anything it was better. The court was more than willing to take up arms all on their own over that one."
"What are you saying?"
Kagura frowned slightly.
"If I am going to go to the trouble of telling you all this, the least you could do is pay attention," she said. "You have a mind. Use it."
Kagome frowned. It was difficult to get her mind around the sheer enormity of it.
"You mean to say..." she said slowly. "You mean to say that all of this was planned? Every last bit of it?"
Kagura smiled faintly. She shrugged.
"Some parts more than others," she responded casually. "But yes, for the most part I can trace his path over time. For the most part I believe he has had everything in hand."
"Then now," Kagome said. "What is it that he wants now? What is it that he's doing now?"
Kagura gave another small shrug.
"Hard to say," she said. "It has been far more difficult to understand what he is doing since he left the court. He does not exactly bother to keep me informed, beyond the...small errands he
demands of me from time to time. I know he has been regrouping since the throne war subsided. I suppose he means to take the throne for himself some day. Something like that would suit him."
"And I know that there's something he wants from you, something he discovered years ago but that slipped through his hands. He thinks it key to fulfilling his ambitions. He will do whatever he can to take it from you."
Kagome fought the urge to touch the spot on her hip. He knew about the jewel. Somehow he knew that she had it, as well.
"Then you cannot say with any certainty what he is doing now?" she pressed.
"No," Kagura replied. "Not unless he chooses to tell me. He often gives orders but seldom gives reasons. It is not his nature."
Kagome was silent. After a moment she nodded.
"Thank you," she said, meeting the woman's eyes. "I…thank you for this."
Kagura met her gratitude with an impassive look.
"Do not thank me," she said. "I repaid a debt. Now I do not have to feel that I owe you in the times to come."
Kagome frowned, a thought occurring to her.
"What will happen to you after this?" she said. "Will he know that you spoke to me?"
Kagura's gaze slid away from hers, her eyes hooded. She eyed the crumbling hut for a long moment before shaking her head.
"Who knows?" she said. "Perhaps he will. Perhaps he will choose to destroy me for it. If so, then fine. At least I chose this. It's been far too long since I last chose something."
"Kagura..." Kagome said, her stomach knotting slightly at the thought. "If there is anything I can do to help you, I promise-"
Kagura turned a wry look on her, pursing her lips.
"Worry about yourself, miko," she said. "It is high time that I took my life back into my own hands."
They parted without so much as a farewell. Kagome watched as the youkai woman disappeared in a swirl of wind, hoping for the first time since she had met her that she would see her again.
Despite Kagura's disdain for her concern, it was difficult not to worry what might befall the woman should anyone in her clan learn of what she had done. After all, it was clear now that Kagura was as much a victim in all of this as so many others.
Kagome sighed. There was not much for it. The best she could do for now was to find a way to stop Naraku. The sooner she did, the sooner Kagura would be safe and free of his grasp.
After all that she had heard, though, she found that there was a strange part of her that was sympathetic with the little boy who had been dragged into the court. He had been ripped from his home, torn from his mother, and dropped into a world he did not understand and where no one had any interest in understanding him. Had he really had any chance?
But he had chosen what he had become. She could not forget that. She could not absolve him of responsibility for the lives that he had chosen to ruin. Miroku's father, Inuyasha's father and mother, Sango's brother, Kagura, and who knew how many others.
What was it that he hoped for in all this? Did he want the throne? It made sense. What greater balm was there to a life of ostracism than control over those who had tormented him?
And somehow he had learned about the jewel. The armies of the Taira alone had not been enough to take what he wanted, but the jewel would be. He needed it to ensure victory.
She touched her hip absently, wondering if there was any suitable way of disposing of the jewel. If she could only think of some wish…
Kagome shook her head. She did not trust herself with such power. In such circumstances as she currently found herself she did not think it would be possible to make a wish that did not better her on some level. Better to leave it be until she could think of something else.
She thought of going to Inuyasha as soon as she parted from Kagura to tell him everything she had just been told. Surely it would relieve some of the pressure in her head, some of the churning of her thoughts. Confiding in him and hearing his thoughts would ease her mind.
But there was her last conversation with him. And the conversation they needed to have about how to proceed from here in regards to Kikyou and the idea of him...remarrying. And so many other small things that she knew should not have been her excuse not to go to him immediately.
In the end Kagome returned to her residence, feeling slightly defeated despite what should have been no small victory.
It should not have been this way, though. There was the nagging feeling that she was slowly losing hold of something very important.
The following morning Kagome woke with a strange clarity about what she needed to do. She could not recall if she had dreamt or even thought about it before dozing off that night, but there was certainty in her movements as she prepared to go out.
Absently she touched the sun scar on her shoulder.
She drew more stares than she would have liked as she walked the streets of the court that morning. It was not difficult to understand why, though. Between her recent return from the brink of death to the conversation with the courtiers she had had the previous day that had surely spread like wildfire, it was no great wonder. She held her head high amidst her guard, meeting their looks with feigned certainty.
The Chūwain did have a scattering of early morning visitors, but she was able to slip around them unnoticed without going too far out of her way. Sneaking around with a guard, though, was probably one of the more ridiculous things she had done, she reflected.
Kagome also had to decide what to do with them when she reached the west wing of the complex. Neither of her two lead guards would stand for being left outside the barrier-they were still slightly shame-faced at having had her snatched out from under their watch mere days ago, though they appeared to have received some sort of satisfactory explanation for it-and in the end she relented. She did not need them going to Inuyasha, after all. In turn they agreed to wait just down the hall for her.
She slid the shoji door open purposefully. She had a lot of what she had needed to know before. Now she just needed a few more pieces.
Sesshoumaru glanced at her from his place beside a low window that looked out through the barrier towards the front of the Chūwain. His look sharpened for an instant before sliding away from her.
"Good morning, Sesshoumaru-sama," she said.
He did not return the nicety.
"I need to speak with you about something very important," she pressed on.
"Do you think to hold the wind witch against me?" he spoke suddenly.
Kagome frowned. He still was not looking at her, but there was tension in his frame. Slight, but enough.
"I have no interest in discussing Kagura-sama," she said. "I brought her here because I felt inclined to. I owe you no more explanation of the matter than you owe me."
Sesshoumaru turned his head, eyeing her for a long moment. He turned away, his face a cold mask.
"Humans are weak," he said idly, as if he were not speaking to her at all. "To cover that weakness they will use whatever means necessary, however petty."
Kagome scowled, catching the implication clearly enough. She knelt down on the tatami across from him, sitting seiza with her back ramrod straight.
"Physically I will never be as strong as you, Sesshoumaru-sama," she said. "There are certain limits that I must accept. But I have strength of my own. And I do not think that giving it my all, using every strength I have, is wrong. That is what humans are. Your father knew it. If you are too blind to see it then I pity you."
His eyes narrowed at the mention of his father. Kagome knew she had to press on.
"I did not know your honorable father, but there are a few things that I do know about him," she said. "I know that he should still be alive. If you knew who had killed him, what would you do, Sesshoumaru-sama?"
He turned to her fully, eyes sharp. Now she had his attention.
"What right have you to speak of my father, human?" he spoke lowly.
Kagome felt a chill run the length of her. The sound of his voice was the same as the feel of a sword pressed to her throat. With awful clarity she understood that he would kill her if she pushed him too far, regardless of the consequences.
She pressed a hand to her stomach, steadying herself. She had to push too far.
"The right that comes of wanting to preserve his kingdom and protect his legacy," she said. "The right that comes of wanting to avenge his wrongful death. The right that comes of wanting to do what is right."
"Your father was deceived and murdered by a man who wanted to take his throne. Kagura-sama was deceived by that same man and is forced now to do his bidding. The man is not done. He will not stop until he is forced to. He will take your father's throne. He will do as he pleases with Kagura-sama. My question is will you do anything about it or will you flee to China once more?"
The feeling was one of almost floating, he lifted her by her throat with such ease. She could feel the poison glow of youki threatening the delicate flesh of her throat.
His features shifted strangely as she met his look, the beast hidden just beneath the beautiful facade pushing to the fore. Red bled into the corners of his eyes.
"Worm," he snarled.
"Coward," she breathed.
She winced, biting back a yelp. His grip did not ease.
"How can you know any of what you claim?" he said.
How could she know it when he did not was what he surely meant. How could she know more of his father and his lover than he did?
"I stumbled on your father's grave," she said. "Kagura-sama chose to tell me the rest. I have been putting fragments together for months."
His eyes bored into hers for long moments.
He released her. Kagome fought to keep from sagging against the wall, lifting her chin to meet his eyes. Sesshoumaru turned from her.
"Leave," he said, his tone cooling once more.
Kagome watched his back, uncertain. Was he choosing to dismiss her after all that?
"This Sesshoumaru will not repeat himself," he spoke. "This Sesshoumaru will summon you when you are required."
Kagome blinked. She smiled faintly.
"Do not take too long, Sesshoumaru-sama," she said. "I will take care of matters with or without your help."
He turned a chilling look on her as she slid the shoji closed behind her. He had asked her to leave, after all.
Kagome returned to her residence hoping for a quiet meal and a bit of time to reflect on all that she now knew.
She did not anticipate, however, being waylaid by some of the servants upon her arrival. They informed her that his Majesty was there waiting for her in a wing of the residence that she had only ever heard mentioned before.
Kagome experienced a stab of panic. She had had no time to prepare. She wasn't ready to see him.
But the servants were already guiding her forward toward her chamber. They were an efficient blur all about her as her mind reeled.
As soon as she was presentable the women were moving her once more. Kagome fought the urge to dig in her heels like a petulant child, to whine and stomp and refuse to leave her room. She was an adult and had to act as such, however much her stomach was churning. Besides, she doubted that hiding under the covers would do her as much good now as it had as a child.
The building he awaited her in was in a wing disconnected from the rest of the residence. Perfect for yelling if he did not want to be overheard. Kagome bit her lip.
The servants left her on the steps of the building, scattering as if they had never been. Kagome stood frozen, unable to move without them to propel her forward.
For a moment she imagined simply turning around and walking away. They did not have to do this-whatever this was- right now. It could be later. Much later.
She sighed. Would running away make him any less angry the next time they met? Every time she put this off the thought of having to meet with him got a little bit harder.
Now. It had to be now. Kagome took a deep breath and forced herself forward.
The room was dim despite the light outside. Few windows were present to allow any light in.
Consequently she could scarcely make out the figure of the hanyou seated in the furthest corner of the room. Once her eyes did adjust, though, it was not difficult to see the barely leashed anger in his posture. His back was ramrod straight, his eyes bright as they focused on some tiny facet of the wall.
The only indication he gave of any awareness of her presence was the swivel of one ear towards her as she crossed the threshold. She could almost hear his teeth clench from where she stood.
Kagome groped for words. Perhaps if she could just say the right thing then this whole situation could be diffused before-
"Where were you?"
The words, low and rough as jagged stones, made her wince.
"...With Sesshoumaru-sama," she said reluctantly. "I had a question that I hoped that he would have the answer to. My guard was with me the entire time."
She hoped the latter would lessen the bite of the former. Inuyasha was silent.
"I don't want you going there," he spoke at last. "I don't want you anywhere near there."
"Inuyasha-"
"I'm ordering you!"
Kagome's eyes went wide. She felt her temper flare to meet his.
"Ordering?" she snapped. "There are many things that I'll do for you, Inuyasha, but being bullied out of helping you isn't one of them! And if you called me out here simply to throw your weight around then consider this meeting over!"
"Kagome!" he called as she turned to go.
She paused, though the anger burning in her limbs urged her to go.
"Wait," he said. "Just wait...please."
The 'please' was added as almost a reluctant afterthought, but it was unusual enough that she turned to look at him. He was standing, though he had not moved any closer to her. Much of the hard anger had gone from his features, replaced by a mixture of contrition and...was it pain that she saw there?
"I don't…" he said. "That's…that's not what I meant."
Against her will she felt her ire cool a notch. She turned fully to face him.
"Then what did you mean?" she asked.
"I…" he hesitated, his eyes fixed on the floor between them. "I…about before…I never meant to…I just wanted…"
He trailed off, unable to make clear the jumble of his own thoughts. Kagome could see where he was going clearly enough from his reluctance, though, and she had not the slightest interest in going down that path with him.
"Inuyasha," she said, forestalling whatever might come next. "I have some very important things that I need to tell you. A great many things have happened in the last few days."
He glanced up at her. Relief and disappointment joined the shadows moving across his face.
"What?" he said.
"I met with some of the courtiers of the Minamoto clan," she said, deciding to start with the least of her news and work forward. "Well, initially it was only meant to be the courtiers of the Minamoto. It turned into something quite a bit…larger, to say the least."
"Did they gang up on you?" Inuyasha asked, relaxing somewhat with his own talk having been forestalled.
Kagome shrugged slightly, spreading her hands.
"I suppose so," she said. "Though it wasn't as bad as it could have been."
Inuyasha nodded as if this was a foregone conclusion.
"What did they want?" he asked.
"I'm not entirely certain," Kagome said. "To test me, maybe. To see what I thought of them. To see how we plan to treat them."
Inuyasha raised a brow, a silent signal to continue.
"They accused me of seeing them as enemies and wanting to limit them," Kagome explained. "They weren't exactly wrong."
Inuyasha snorted.
"No fucking kidding," he huffed. "When have they ever acted like anything but our enemies?"
"Not all of them," Kagome said, frowning. "And part of the problem might be that we've treated them that way. The more that we try to fight them, the more they will struggle back. And what sort of peace can we hope to create by suppressing them? Sooner or later they will rise up. Whatever has happened in the past, the courtiers are the children of the kami, as well. We both need to start treating them as such."
Inuyasha looked highly skeptical, but made no comment on this. He crossed his arms over his chest.
"So?" he said.
"So I…promised them some things," Kagome said, her gaze skittering away from his. "In return for some promises of their own. I promised them that we would keep them informed when we need to appropriate things from them, to tell them what we're doing. And to further cooperation between us we all agreed that the appointments should be resumed. We agreed that-"
Kagome stopped abruptly, realizing that she had come to exactly the reason she had avoided this conversation in the first place. A cold, hard knot twisted in the pit of her stomach as she realized she could not skirt the issue. Her hands balled tight at her sides.
"That you would choose among the sons and daughters, rather than defaulting to the first borns," she continued faintly. "They will come into the Dairi as a sign of good faith between us. You will be in charge of the sons, of course. They…they expect me to take charge of the daughters. And when you're ready, of course…"
She was choking on the words. She swallowed back the lump in her throat.
"When you're ready you'll choose a bride from among them, to link us all together. Concubines, as well, if you wish. I know your feelings towards Kikyou-sama, I-I know this is likely the last thing you want, but we have to think ahead to the future and I know that you have already decided that what is best for Kikyou-sama is to keep her safe in her residence-"
"Are you fucking kidding me?!"
Kagome braced herself against the anger she could feel radiating off of him. Somehow it was almost easier in the face of his rage.
"I know how you must feel," she forced out. "But you have to think of your duty to-!"
"My duty?" he spat. "My duty?! What fucking duty, Kagome? How…how the fuck can you even-after we-?"
"Yes, your duty!" Kagome snapped back, finally able to lift her eyes to meet his. "Your duty to the court! Your duty to the people of this nation! Can you forget them so easily simply because you do not wish to choose another wife?! You have to think of your duty, Inuyasha, the same way that I think of mine every day-!"
The words choked off abruptly, caught in her throat. To her horror and surprise she felt tears welling in her eyes, clogging her throat. She attempted to swallow them back, but her eyes only burned more fiercely.
"You think I want to do this?" she murmured, the first of the tears spilling over. "Do you think that there is any part of me that wants to pick the woman that you'll marry and spend your life with and have children with? You know my feelings, Inuyasha. You've long known my feelings. So have some pity…"
"Feelings?"
Kagome blinked, dashing away the dampness on her cheeks with the back of one hand.
Inuyasha looked to her and she could see the anger draining from his features. It was replaced by something searching, golden eyes large in the darkness as they met hers. There was something like hope there.
"You said…I thought that you didn't…anymore…"
Kagome was silent. Inuyasha took a half step towards her, then halted abruptly as if he had to force himself.
"Nothing's changed. Nothing's ever going to change."
"Kagome."
In the space of a heartbeat his arms were around her and his lips were against hers.
It was a relief. It was such a relief to feel him again. She had not even realized she missed the sensation of it until this moment. She nearly sagged against him, seeking out his solidity.
But there was a twinge in the back of her mind. She had fallen into this once and promised herself that it would never happen again. She could not afford to let it happen again.
Kagome forced herself away, breathing harder than she should have been. Inuyasha moved to follow her, but she held up her hand.
"Wait," she said, feeling almost dizzy. "Just…"
"I need you," he said, meeting her eyes. "I need you with me, Kagome."
If ever Kagome had felt dumbstruck in her life, she felt it in that moment. There was no reason in the face of those words. There was nothing but a joy and a fear so deep that she was certain it would swallow her.
Because if he needed her she could not say no. Because she felt no desire to refuse him or push him away. Because she would give him every last piece of herself that she could spare if he needed it.
"I'm here," she said. "I'm always right here."
The light in his eyes then was worth anything. His arms snaked about her, pulling her in tight. He buried his face in her hair and Kagome closed her eyes, her hands fisting in the front of his robes.
When he bent his head to kiss her again she welcomed him. He was tentative at first, searching, but that soon passed as he realized she would not push him away. Then his kiss grew more insistent, the pressure of his lips increasing as they slanted against hers. Kagome found herself arching up onto her tip toes to meet him, even going so far as to bite lightly at his lower lip.
He made a sound that was pure satisfaction and suddenly she was no longer on her feet. He hovered over her as he laid her out on the floor, a crooked smile lighting his face for an instant. With a spike of warmth she realized he meant to lay with her again. A shiver of anticipation went through her, and she forced away the small doubts lingering in the back of her mind.
"Kagome."
He spoke as if her name were the only word he could recall. She could not help but smile up at him.
"I'm here, Inuyasha."
He kissed her once more, hands fumbling to untuck her haori from her hakama. He pulled it loose, releasing her lips to slide it from her shoulders and lay it beneath her. For several long moments he stared at the flesh revealed in the dim light, following the curves and hollows with his eyes.
Slowly he lowered his lips to her collar bone, dragging them down kiss by kiss until he reached the slight swell of her breasts beneath their bindings. Before she could protest he had cut the bindings down the middle, freeing her. His lips on her breast turned what would have been an admonishment into little more than a half-choked sound.
Inadvertently one of his canines grazed her nipple and she gasped, her back arching. Inuyasha froze, looking up at her with pupils dilated so wide that his irises nearly seemed black.
Her look must have matched his because a moment later his head dipped down once more, his lips grazing her nipple. The bud tightened, hardening beneath his touch. Tentatively his tongue swept out and Kagome could not suppress the small mewling noise that escaped her. Inuyasha paused a moment and she could feel a small shudder go through him where they touched before he redoubled his efforts.
Soon her hands had threaded themselves through his hair, fingernails scraping lightly along his scalp. She hit the base of his ears and he jerked against her. Kagome froze, an apology springing to her lips as she looked down at him.
The look on his face stopped her short. His eyes were screwed shut, his breathing heavy, but it was most definitely not pain that wound him tight. Experimentally she flexed her fingers once more, brushing the base of his ears. He jerked once more, groaning lowly. His hips moved against hers and she could feel him straining against her thigh.
Kagome reached down, tugging at the tie that held his hakama and haori in place. Inuyasha glanced up at her. A smile turned up one corner of his lips as he caught her line of thought.
In the space of several moments they were both stripped down to nothing. He was careful to lay his clothes beneath her so that she was not lying on the chilled floor.
He eased into her slowly, carefully. Kagome winced, the pinch of being stretched shooting through her. Bit by bit she felt him fill her and she tilted her hips up to meet him as the ache eased. Finally they were hip to hip.
For a moment Inuyasha rested there, pressed fully against her. His eyes sought hers out and she met his look, her hands sliding up to weave through the silver hair that hung thick around them like a curtain shielding them from the rest of the world.
All the hard lines were gone from his face. A half-laugh escaped him as if he could not quite believe his eyes. He leaned down, his lips brushing lightly across hers.
"You're mine," he murmured, the words almost a question.
Kagome's hands pressed gently against the back of his head, cradling it in the crook between her neck and shoulder. She shifted until her legs were hooked over his hips, deepening the contact between them. Her eyes slid shut as she nodded.
"Yes."
He moved then, pressing deeply into her before withdrawing slowly. Kagome moaned, nails digging lightly into his scalp. He pushed back in with equal slowness and she writhed.
"Harder," she pleaded.
He ignored her, though, reveling in the slow, slick glide of skin on skin. Kagome's legs tightened about his hips. Inuyasha let out a breathless laugh.
"Impatient wench," he huffed into the hollow of her shoulder.
"Inuyasha," Kagome breathed, feeling her walls begin to flutter around him.
She had never thought she would feel this sensation again. This sense that they were together and she would never have to go it alone again. This fullness. It felt as if her head were swimming.
Inuyasha lifted his head enough to look at her. His eyes grew hooded, their breath mingling. He thrust into her harder, his eyes never leaving hers. Kagome gasped and he did it again, his thrusts building in speed until the sound of flesh on flesh echoed through the room.
He groaned her name, twisting his hips and pushing in deep. Kagome gasped, a confused plea tumbling from her lips. He rocked into her hard and Kagome cried out.
"I-Inuyasha!"
"Fuck! Kagome!"
She twisted her hips up to meet his as he rocked into her, her sheath clenching tight around him. Inuyasha grunted, burying his face against her chest as his hips jerked hard against her in one last thrust. His warmth flooded into her.
They lay tangled for several long moments, their muscles slowly relaxing. Kagome could feel Inuyasha's breath warm against her cheek as he straightened out, his hair sliding over her bare chest as his head came to rest beside hers.
He shifted enough to keep his weight off of her, but not enough to break the contact between them. Her body was warm where they touched, but a slight chill ran through her as the sheen of sweat along her body began to cool. He gathered her closer to him.
There were several long moments of silence, reality beginning to take hold of them both once more. Inuyasha held her tighter and Kagome forced herself not to pull away.
"I don't…" Inuyasha spoke quietly, falteringly, at last. "I don't want to…to hurt you like I did to…to Kikyou. I owe her. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make it right for her. But I…with you…I can't. I don't want to destroy you."
Kagome's eyes slid closed, her stomach sinking. She shook her head.
"You won't destroy me," she said lowly. "You can't. Because you don't love me like you love Kikyou. Because we will never marry. You can't destroy me, Inuyasha."
She could feel him tense against her. He pulled back and she let him go, opening her eyes to meet his gaze. His eyes were wide, brow furrowed darkly.
"Kagome-" he began, his voice sharp.
"You don't love me," Kagome cut across him with equal sharpness, ignoring the twinge she felt. "So long as you need me I am yours. But I will not destroy the things we've built together. Make a mistress of me if you like, but you must still do your duties as the Tennō. All of them."
"Don't fuck with me, Kagome!" Inuyasha snapped, pulling away from her fully. "I don't want a mistress! My mother was…I won't make you a mistress! You can't do this with me and then-!"
Kagome fought back a wince. She realized that once again she had allowed herself to be carried off without stopping to make things clear to him. But there had to be a line. If they were to do this there had to be a line to keep him safe and to keep everything safe that they were working so hard for.
She swallowed back the feeling, the guilt and the hurt.
"I'm sorry, Inuyasha," she spoke softly. "I'm sorry, but this is it. I love you, but this is all I can give to you."
She forced herself to look him in the face, to see what she had wrought through carelessness and a weak will. Her heart sank as his expression did. Her stomach clenched as his expression slowly hardened over, covering the hurt. She tried not to wonder if this would be the last time he would ever show this side of himself to her. She could not afford to break down in front of him. She could not afford to appear uncertain.
Without a word Inuyasha rose, hurriedly redressing. He did not look at her, not even once, as he swept out of the room.
Kagome sat very still for a long time after he left, surprised to find that she could not cry.
She wondered if saving everything would be worth it if in the process she destroyed the one person she wanted to protect most.
Kagome was roused from a light sleep by the shifting of her futon. She started, muscles tensing.
"Shhh. Calm down, woman."
She blinked, twisting beneath the blankets to meet the source of the voice. He was already halfway beneath the blankets, his expression strangely tentative. His eyes met hers in the dark and she could see the effort he made to look nonchalant.
"Inuyasha? You shouldn't be here-"
"What? You'll fuck me but you won't sleep with me?" he snapped.
"I thought-" she began, then stopped short as she tried to sort out the muddle of her sleep addled thoughts. "I…the servants will talk. The guards will talk. I don't want-"
"Fuck it," Inuyasha huffed. "No one saw me come in."
Kagome frowned.
"Should I be concerned about that?"
"Not if you let me sleep here," he retorted.
Kagome's frown deepened. Inuyasha did not look repentant in the least. His jaw was set stubbornly. At length Kagome sighed.
"Nothing has changed, you know," she said softly, though she could not meet his eyes. She did not want him to see the relief or the need there. She had not thought he would return.
"Kami, Kagome. I know. I fucking know," he said, voice strained. "You think I'm going to forget something like that? I know, but I…I just want you beside me."
Kagome's eyes swept up to his, widening. It was difficult to tell in the dark, but she could almost see the faint flush that colored his cheeks. Still he met her eyes, unwavering.
"Inuyasha…"
But she had no words for him. The best she could do was move over to make room for him in her small futon. He filled the space readily, his arm slipping over her to pull her in.
She settled against him, sighing. For a brief moment she wondered what she was allowing to happen, what insanity was driving her down this path that could lead to nothing. But then he spoke.
"You said you loved me," he murmured against her hair. And she could hear the echo of lonely years in his voice, the smallness and the seeking. And she knew what drove her and that it would continue to drive her to whatever conclusion might come.
"Because I do," she replied. "I love you, Inuyasha."
His lips slid to hers as if he could not reach her fast enough. They made love for the second time that day.
This time Kagome remained by his side through the night.
-appointments: So this idea is a bit of an amalgamation of things from several courts across countries and time periods that I've read about. Basically the first sons and daughters were brought in to serve the king and queen (i.e. ladies in waiting in England to the queen) as a show of honor and also as a way of the king and queen keeping tabs on the courtiers. Often these same people later served in high positions within the court by virtue of having been in close contact with the king and queen. I know something like this was done in the Heian period with women so that the Emperor could have his pick of concubines, but I'm not as sure if it actually happened in a similar manner with the men.
All done! I don't have much energy left for my usual long-winded end note, but suffice it to say that I hope you all enjoyed it. As always, review if you feel so inclined and PM if you have any questions/concerns.