Chapter 7: The Doily Car
It had been exactly a week since Mary first got on the train. Mary counted the days she was on it, remembering that it was Saturday morning when she first got on, and although she didn't have a calendar on her to check, she was sure today was Friday. After the Black Market car, the trio had gone through quite a few cars, many of which took an entire day to get through. One car looked to be in outer space, with musical instruments floating in the air, with the only pathway being a long keyboard that made music whenever someone walked on it. Another car was literally just the inside of a cave, where the trio rode in minecarts. Another car was just a grey cave with a giant crevasse in it that was filled up with sentient stones that fell from the ceiling.
Today, Mary, Vic, and Blanca exited one car, stopping to catch their breath. Their legs burned from so much running, and they fell to their knees, unable to keep standing.
"Uuugh! I never want to go through a car full of flying gold snakes ever again!" Mary complained. She could feel sweat dampening her skin and making her clothes cling to it. She hated the sticky feeling of perspiration against her clothes, and no matter how many times she pulled on parts of her pants to at least pull them off her skin, the wet feeling was still there.
"No argument there," Vic agreed. Even though he spent the entire car ride on Blanca's head, his paws were growing numb just from clinging to Blanca while they ran.
Blanca looked around the area, seeing that they were out in the wasteland. There was nothing outside except for the barren desert. "Well, at least we're safe for now. Let's take a moment to rest before we go to the next car," Blanca suggested, absorbing her legs back into her body. "I think we all deserve it after that arduous experience."
Mary pulled her backpack off her back and set it down in front of her, but she looked over at Blanca with a raised eyebrow. "What does arduous mean?"
Blanca smiled as she explained the word's definition. "Arduous means hard, difficult, requiring a lot of energy and exertion."
That made sense. Mary made a note to keep that word in her head for future use. Sometimes, even going through a regular day could be arduous. She wondered if the word could be applied to that situation. Still, her legs burned whenever she tried to move them. Even breathing seemed to hurt, having ran so much earlier. Mary mentally kicked herself for not having brought bottles of water with her when she ran away. At least now, they were safe from the flying snakes and could rest for a bit. The sandy desert breeze was strangely refreshing once the three of them stopped to feel it. It was warmer than the October air that was coming through her hometown, that was for sure.
Vic stopped to munch on some sunflower seeds he had stashed in the backpack he made Blanca carry. Mary couldn't help but wonder what was so good about sunflower seeds. If Vic liked them, that was okay with her, but Mary could never picture herself eating sunflower seeds. She heard that some people ate them as a snack, but she couldn't fathom them being anything a person would willingly eat. Mary held onto her backpack and decided to rock back and forth to push the fear and tiredness out of her system. Back and forth she went, she didn't bother counting how many times she rocked, but she liked the repetitive feeling. It brought her back to the present whenever she was scared or upset. It helped her put her thoughts together. Of course, her mother would always tell her not to do it for whatever reason, even when they were at home.
"Hm? Mary?" Vic immediately took notice of Mary's rocking. "Why are you doing that?"
Mary froze, her body bristling. Did Vic want her to stop rocking? Was he annoyed? Or maybe he'd understand if she explained herself. Mary took a deep breath and composed herself. "It helps me calm down," That was all she could say.
Vic simply shrugged and returned to munching on his sunflower seeds. "Oh, okay then."
The three of them sat there in silence, taking their time to reorient themselves and calm down after the harrowing car ride. Oddly enough, Mary noticed that Blanca didn't say how long they needed to rest. Usually, when someone announced a break time, they would give a timeline for how long said break time would be, like fifteen minutes or twenty, maybe thirty minutes. Mary hated five minute breaks, as that felt way too short, to the point of almost being no time at all. But as much as Mary liked having a specific deadline, she did appreciate having as much time as she needed to get herself together.
"Alright!" Vic finished his sunflower seeds and stood back up. "I'm ready to get back on the road! How 'bout you guys?"
"I am, too!" Mary stood up and put her backpack back on.
On the other hand, Blanca slid Vic's backpack through an appendage she grew out, smiling as she stood back up. "Is everyone feeling refreshed now?" She asked. "Let's hope the next car isn't as dangerous as the last one."
"I'll lead the way this time!" Mary exclaimed, throwing a fist in the air. Vic crawled onto her head, positioning himself right in the middle before she walked ahead of everyone. The three of them crossed the bridge, and Mary turned the handle on the door before they walked inside.
The new car was made entirely out of materials used for sewing. Houses were made from colorful fabric, stitched together with equally colorful thread, with some buttons decorating the exteriors every now and again. Cloth edged with lace populated the entire car in all manner of colors, like pink, white, and purple. Green and white pillars made from yarn towered over them, as if boasting that they were closer to heaven than the trio was. They almost looked like gigantic mushrooms. Buttons and yarn made up the entirety of the ground.
"Wow…" Mary looked over at one pillar, noticing the foundation was made of something she didn't recognize. "What are these things?" She pulled a piece of it off, and it was soft to the touch, almost delicate. It looked like a flower made of lace. "They kinda look like those cloth thingies Dad puts his coffee mugs on."
Vic leaned closer to get a better look. "I know what these are! This is a doily," He explained. "It's a fancy decoration often used for stuff like protecting hard surfaces or making stuff look pretty. I'm kinda surprised you don't know what a doily is, since I read that humans use them."
Mary narrowed her eyes. "Just because I live in a different world doesn't mean I know everything about it," She retorted. A part of her knew Vic was trying to be helpful, but she couldn't help feeling a little insecure from his words. Then again, this wasn't the first time someone assumed Mary should have known something when she didn't or had no way of finding out.
"Now now, Vic," Blanca was quick to alleviate the tension. "Everyone learns new things at their own pace," She gently reminded him. "I must say though, this car is quite cute."
Now that, the two of them could agree on. Everything around them felt so soft, squishy, and feathery. Mary got down on her knees to brush her palms against the ground. It looked and felt exactly like those bundles of yarn her mother would buy at the store whenever she wanted to knit something, like a sweater or a blanket. The whole car looked like something straight out of a fairy tale.
"Hey! Maybe we can stay in this car for the night!" Mary suggested. "I don't see any monsters around."
Blanca took a moment to look around just to make sure. Mary was right, as there weren't any other creatures around, save for some denizens with buttons for heads and doilies for bodies that floated around them. "That sounds like a good idea," Blanca said, a smile breaking across her face. "What do you think, Vic?"
"Fine with me."
Just then, a denizen with a big, pink button for a head and a white doily for a body floated right in front of Mary. "Hello, new passenger! Welcome to the Doily Car!" The button headed denizen squeaked in a high pitched, airy voice. "We hope you enjoy yourself here!"
"Is it okay if we spend the night here, please?" Mary asked, making sure to add please for the sake of politeness.
"Sure you can! Make yourselves at home!" The button headed denizen chirruped before floating away on the wind.
"Cool! Thank you!" Mary exclaimed, standing up as Vic and Blanca sat down. She really didn't want to feel her clothes sticking to her skin any longer, but didn't want to change her clothes out in the open. She looked around and, thankfully, found half of a big doily forming a wall just a few feet away.
"I'm gonna go change clothes over there," Mary told them, pointing to the doily in question. "And Vic, don't you dare peek!"
Vic didn't pay her any heed. He simply laid on the soft yarn ground with a content look on his face. "Sure. Go nuts," He told her, waving her off without a care in the world, as he was too lost in his bliss.
With that, Mary took her backpack and ran behind the doily. She knelt down, opened her backpack, and rummaged through it, hoping to find some clean pajamas. She found two pairs, but decided to wear the light green silk pair. Once she pulled them out, she wasted no time pulling off her old clothes, yanking a wad of yarn from the ground to wipe off the extra perspiration, and changing into the fresh pajamas, along with some clean underwear. Another thought entered her mind: Had she brought her favorite blanket with her? Once she changed, she turned over her backpack, figuring rummaging through it would waste too much time. Books, clothes, mechanical pencils, and a rolled up blanket fell out, with the latter unfurling as soon as it appeared. Mary smiled as she pulled the blanket close, marveling at the soft pink fabric, the black star patterns on both sides, and the white frills along the edges. She received it as an infant shortly after her birth. Obviously, she didn't remember, as it was impossible to retain memories of her infancy, but her father told her that a friend of her mother's knitted it for her.
She hugged it tightly against herself, savoring its softness. It wasn't big enough to cover her whole body, but at this point, she didn't care. It could cover both Mimi and the top half of herself, and that was all she needed. As she proceeded to put everything away, something fell out from one of the shirts she packed. Looking down, she saw it was...her cell phone.
"Oh!" Mary picked it up. "I didn't know I had this with me," She didn't remember packing it, but seeing that it was caught in one of her shirts, maybe she put it inside without realizing it. This wasn't the first time she had either forgotten something or brought something she didn't remember packing. Now that she had it, though...curiosity took hold as she turned her cell phone on. Did her parents and sister try to contact her? Did they know she was gone? They had to have done so at some point.
It took a minute, but her phone turned on. Not long after, a barrage of text messages soon followed. Ten at the very least. Mary remembered turning off the volume and vibration settings, as she hated the weird noise that came with the notifications. They always made her feel like she was about to have a heart attack. A part of her contemplated ignoring the texts and refusing to read them outright. Why would her parents and sister bother reaching out to her? They knew about the blog, and for all Mary knew, they probably hated her just as much as Dana did and were just pretending to love her. Maybe they secretly wished she wasn't autistic.
'At least read them and see what they have to say,' The voice in her head told her. Mary sighed. What harm was there in at least reading them?
Most of the messages were from Reagan. Rather than respond to them, she kept her responses in her head.
Mary? Mary, are you there? Where are you?
'On a magic train. Away from Mom.'
Please come home! We miss you!
'No you don't. You're lying, and I'm never going back home! Not when Mom plans on doing something horrible to me!'
Whatever it is we did wrong, we're sorry!
'Sure you are. Sorry for pretending to love me and lying to me my whole life.' Mary wondered if her mother put them up to texting her, trying to plead with her and convince her to come home. Nothing would ever sway Mary this time. Like hell was she ever going back to Dana. Back to a life where she was constantly criticized, scrutinized, and punished over nothing.
Mary, please… This one was from her father. Please come home. We're not mad at you about what happened at B&N.
'Liar! I bet you wish I'd never been born, just like Mom does!'
Please respond! We're worried sick about you! At least let us know you're safe!
'I am safe! Away from Mom! Not that you care!'
"Mary!" Vic's voice called out to her from afar. "What's taking you? Show me how to work this thing already!"
How long had she been hiding behind his doily? Not wanting to keep Vic waiting, and because she got tired of reading the text messages, she turned her phone back off and put everything back in her backpack. Once everything was in order, she ran back to the duo and happily showed Vic how to work his smartphone. But her thoughts occasionally drifted back to ignoring their texts. Could she really just ignore her family and leave them behind? What if Reagan and her father's worries were real, and not pretend? What if they didn't know about the blog and Dana's true feelings about Mary? As much as Mary thought of stopping to think about it, she knew she couldn't just hop off the train and go back home even if she wanted to. Her number needed to go down to zero first.
While she was showing Vic how a search bar worked, she noticed her palm. Instead of her number being at 110, it had risen five digits, now at 115. Mary frowned. Why did it rise? She couldn't think of anything she had done that made it rise like that. But she pushed the thoughts to the back of her mind as she laid down on the soft, cloud-like ground, with one arm snaked around Mimi, as she helped Vic explore the wonders of his new smartphone.
"What does URL stand for?" Vic asked, once he got the hang of using Google.
"I don't know. But I know you gotta type one if you want to go to a website. It shows up in the search engine, that white box line, right there," Mary explained, pointing to the search bar in question. "Sometimes they start with www, sometimes they start with http and those symbols there, like the colon and the bars," It was there that a realization struck her like a lightning bolt. "Hey! Maybe type the question in there and see if it'll answer!"
Vic did exactly that, typing "What does URL stand for?" in the search engine, and immediately, an answer appeared: Uniform Resource Locator.
"Awesome! This thing's so handy!" Vic cheered. "Thanks so much for showing me all this, Mary. It'd probably have taken me weeks or months to figure this all out on my own!"
Warmth lurched in Mary's chest, and heat rose to her cheeks, turning them red as a tomato. Mary averted his gaze, abashed by the praise.
"Y-Y-Y-You're...welcome…" Her throat closed up, and it took everything she had just to push the words out.
Vic raised an eyebrow, immediately noticing Mary's sudden reticence. "What's wrong? Are you not used to people complimenting you or something?"
He hit the nail right on the head. Mary hugged Mimi tightly, and the gesture helped her find her voice again. "I...I guess. Usually when I try to help people with something, they get mad at me whether I do it correctly or not," She confessed. The memory of showing her mother her math test flashed through her mind, along with accidentally knocking over her documents when she tried to take it back. She could still feel the tense air around her as her mother snapped at her and told her to leave, even rejecting her offer to help clean up.
Blanca took a large doily and wrapped it around herself like a blanket. "Does it happen often?"
"Only with certain people," Mary replied. "Like my mom or my grandma on my mom's side."
Vic crossed his arms. "Well, I say they're full of it!" He proclaimed with an air of confidence. "You and Blanca helped me get out of the Hamster Car and see the world outside of it, and now I don't spend all my time feeling insecure and isolated anymore. Besides, you just helped me learn how to use the internet, and for someone of my size, that's a huge help."
Fair enough.
"Come to think of it, we haven't really had time to get to know one another, have we?" Blanca asked. "We've been so busy getting through all the cars recently, it's been hard to find a moment to just talk."
Both Mary and Vic exchanged wide eyed expressions. Blanca actually had a good point. Although the three of them were traveling together, there was still a lot about each other that they didn't know, such as hobbies, interests, strengths, weaknesses, how they'd go about their day, and so on. Come to think of it…
Mary held her hand up like she was in school. "I have an idea! There's this game my teacher had us play called Two Truths And a Lie," She suggested. "It's a game where you mention three things about yourself, two being true and one being a lie, and we have to guess which one of those is the lie!"
All went quiet. Mary's smile immediately turned into a frown. Had she said something she shouldn't have again? Or did she interrupt their conversation? Ice ran through Mary's vein. Maybe this wasn't a good idea—
"I'm game! Let's do that then!" Vic agreed.
"That does sound like fun," Blanca turned to Mary. "Since you suggested it, would you like to go first? You can show us how to play this game."
Mary was so stunned by their acceptance of her idea that she was slack-jawed for a full minute, unable to quite process it at first. But she composed herself and decided to start. "Let's see...Oh!" It actually didn't take long for her to come up with her first statements. "First, like I said before, you have to say three things about yourself, two that are true, and one that's a lie, like this: I want to be a writer when I grow up, my favorite food is potato au gratin, and I'm good at archery! Now you have to guess which one is the lie."
The denizens took a moment to contemplate their answers. Vic was the first to speak up. "I think the archery one is a lie, because most passengers I saw using bows and arrows were teenagers or adults."
Unlike Vic, Blanca's head tilted to the right, and she had an indecisive expression. "I'm afraid I don't know what archery is."
"I can tell you!" Mary offered to explain, pulling out a notebook and pen and immediately began drawing. "This part's called a bow," She drew the bow first in a semicircle, then an arrow consisting of a line and a triangle. "And this part's the arrow. You pull the arrow and the string back, and then let go, and it goes flying. Like this," Mary stood up, held her left arm out, and pulled her right arm back, demonstrating the process as though she really were pulling a bowstring back. "And the arrow goes whooooosh!" She broke her archer's stance and threw her arms out in a semicircle, demonstrating how an arrow would look if it were shot.
"Hmmm...that does put me in a conundrum, though," Blanca confessed. "I can't seem to decide which of your statements is a lie, as they all sound so convincing."
If Blanca couldn't figure out which of her statements were a lie, Mary figured she must have gotten much better at this game than she initially assumed. Mary tried really hard not to smile, as pride swelled in her chest. When was the last time someone had ever been genuinely fooled by any lies Mary told, game or no? But she didn't want to make Blanca feel bad, so she decided now was the time to confess.
"But Vic is right, though. I've actually never done real archery before," Mary clarified. "I really want to, though! It looks so cool!" She balled her hands into fists and began shaking them. Just thinking about it made her excitement bubble over like soda fizz. "My family and I saw some kids doing it once at a park, and I told them I wanna do that someday! But my parents said no, that it's too dangerous."
"I think it's understandable, as bows and arrows are considered weapons to an extent," Vic chimed in. "If you're not careful with them, you could hurt yourself really bad."
Mary couldn't help but agree. "Yeah. I know. But my dad said I can learn it once I get older," She added hastily. "I really can't wait! Oh! We better get back to the game," She immediately turned to Vic. "Since you figured out my lie, you can go next, Vic."
"With pleasure!" Vic beamed as he crawled to the top of his backpack, puffed his chest out, and talked like he was campaigning for mayor. "First off, my favorite food is apple seeds! Second, I designed my entire house, from the pipe fixtures to the shelves, and third, I actually bit a human kid so hard I left serious teeth marks on their hand!"
Another moment of silence fell as Blanca and Mary ruminated on Vic's statements. Mary couldn't quite fathom the idea of Vic intentionally biting someone, as he was always nice to her. Granted, the hamsters did mention some rowdy kids destroyed their car at one point, along with actually designing his house, though One-One sent someone to build it for him. The apple seed part seemed the most convincing, as hamsters normally ate seeds. Vic didn't really come across as the violent type.
"I think the thing about you biting someone is a lie," Mary proclaimed. "Because I can't picture you being mean like that."
Vic crossed his arms, making an X shape. "Bzzzt! Wrong!" Vic corrected her straight away. "I actually did have to bite someone once, long ago, but it was in self-defense. You remember how the Hamster Car was attacked by a bunch of kids once?"
Oh, so it turned out to be true after all. Mary frowned, but didn't feel too discouraged about it. This was just a game, she reminded herself.
"The thing is, the kids who attacked the car actually destroyed my old home and tried to attack my parents with a crowbar," Vic went on to explain. "I wasn't having none of that. I ran up to that kid and bit him so hard on the hand, I'm pretty sure I drew blood. I had to fight back, or else they'd kill us all."
Those same kids attacked his parents? Mary shuddered, her mind immediately heading towards the unthinkable. "Did they kill your parents?"
"Thankfully, no," Vic clarified. "Us hamsters managed to drive them away, though we weren't able to save a lot of our homes."
"Where are your parents now?" Blanca asked. "If it's not rude of me to ask, that is."
Catching on to what she was inferring, Vic put her concerns to rest. "Don't worry. They're not dead or anything," He clarified. "They're with some guy, helping him on his train journey, kinda like how I am with you guys. They didn't abandon me, in case you're wondering. They trusted me to take care of things at home and knew I could handle myself now that I'm old enough. I kinda can't wait to hear their stories about it when they get back."
Mary smiled, relieved that Vic's parents weren't either hurt or the kind that would abandon their child. "I bet you can tell them plenty of stories about your adventures with us, too!"
Vic snapped his fingers. "Hey, you're right! I can!"
"So…" Blanca re-railed their conversation back to the game. "Which of your statements is a lie?"
"The apple seeds one," Vic responded. "I know we hamsters eat different kinds of seeds, but apple seeds are the exception. Seriously, those things can really make us sick. I tried one once, and I was out for a week. It was awful," With this, he turned to face Blanca. "Alright, now you."
"Hmm…" Blanca took a moment to come up with her own lie and two true facts about herself. "I have nineteen children, I've never left the Sweets Car, and my favorite hobby is stargazing."
"Oh! Oh! I know!" Mary wasted no time raising her hand and saying her piece. "You having nineteen children is a lie, because you told me you actually have twenty!"
Vic's jaw fell ajar. "Damn, you're quick," Since he didn't know Blanca very well, he wasn't quite sure which of her statements were true or false. All he could do was trust Mary's judgment.
Blanca smiled. "I suppose mine were far too obvious. Mary's right, Vic, I do have twenty children as opposed to nineteen," She explained. "I must say, this is quite fun."
A smirk spread across Vic's face. "But you know what'd be more fun?"
Neither Mary nor Blanca could answer. As they exchanged confused expressions, a wad of yarn flew right into Mary's face.
"Pillow fiiiiight!" Vic screamed.
Mary huffed as she pulled the offending wad of yarn. "Actually, it's a balled up yarn fight!" She proclaimed, throwing it right back at Vic.
"Same thing!" Vic exclaimed as he sidestepped, avoiding the fluffy onslaught. He found another wad of yarn and proceeded to throw it at Blanca. All it did was bounce right off of her jiggly body.
"I'm afraid you won't be able to defeat me that easily, Vic," Blanca warned, rolling up a slightly smaller bundle of yarn and hurling it right back at him. Mary proceeded to do the same, only she hurled hers at Blanca.
"Yarn fight!" Mary cheered.
Giggles and merry laughter echoed throughout the doily car as the three of them pelted each other with bundles of colorful yarn. Their structure was much softer than pillows, so it didn't actually hurt when they were hit with them. Mary could definitely appreciate this, as the bundles of yarn didn't make her face vibrate like pillows did whenever she and Reagan had pillow fights. Blanca often avoided getting hit, as she would do so by changing shape, usually shrinking. Changing shape proved to be easier than simply moving out of the way.
"Hear me, mortals! I am Victorino Achilles Isidoro Liberatore VIII!" Vic gave his edict as his tiny body struggled to uphold a wad of turquoise yarn that was far bigger than he was. "Son of Victorino VII and Sandrilene Elizabeth Philippa Liberatore! Fall before my wrath!"
Of course, he wound up being all talk and no action, as Mary swatted him with a small sphere of purple yarn. "Oh yeah? I'm Mary Andromeda Summers, and I just beat you!"
Vic fell right on his back, with the turquoise yarn covering him from head to toe. But he was quick to dig himself out from underneath it. Everyone broke into more laughter. This was turning out a lot more fun than Mary thought it'd be. The last time she had this much fun was when she and a few other girls slept over at Caitlin's house once in the third grade.
Wait…
Mary sprang up from the floor. "You wanna know what I just realized? I'm having a slumber party with my best friends!"
Vic raised an eyebrow as he fixed the tuft of hair on his head. "Slumber party?"
"Yeah. It's when you and your friend go to somebody's house and sleep over. Or they come to your house and do that instead," Mary explained. "You get to eat food, play games, have pillow fights, tell stories, all that fun stuff!"
"That does sound similar to what we're doing right now," Blanca pointed out. "I take it you've done this before?"
"Only once, last year," Mary crossed her legs and told them about the sleepover she had. "My friend Caitlin invited me and two other girls to her house to sleep over, and her mom made chocolate chip cookies and spaghetti with meatballs for dinner, and we got to watch this fun movie called Okko's Inn and we also played Two Truths and a Lie. It was so much fun!" Her smile turned into a frown as she explained the next part. "I almost wasn't allowed to go because my mom was afraid I'd do something bad while I was there."
"Like what?" Blanca asked.
"I dunno. She always tries to make up reasons for why she won't let me do anything or go places, especially if she can't come with me," Mary continued, shrugging as the memories came flowing back. "She kept telling my dad that she was afraid that I'd do something like scream at the top of my lungs, or throw stuff at people, or run out of the house, or get into fights with Samira and Hiroko, even though I never do that stuff! My sister always calls Mom Karen when she does that."
"Your sister?" Vic inquired.
"Yeah. Her name's Reagan. My mom's name isn't Karen, it's Dana," Mary clarified. "Reagan's always super nice to me. She just...gets me," Mary wasn't quite sure how else to describe it. "She always explains stuff to me when I don't get it, like turns of phrase and expressions like 'Fight fire with fire' or 'Turn on a dime.' My dad does, too. They always let me wear earplugs when we go to places that are really loud, or sunglasses if it's too bright outside, and when I get good grades at school, they take me to the bookstore to buy books and manga, or out for ice cream! And they never get mad at me when I cover my ears or flap my hands or spin around or don't wanna talk to new people."
She fell silent as she reached the last sentence, as an image of her mother flashed through her mind once more. Why did her mother have to invade her brain again? Mary clenched her teeth. She wished she could just yank her mother out of her head and toss her somewhere far away. Maybe in the wasteland. Mary turned her head away, looking down at Mimi and pulling her close.
The hamster was quick to catch onto the direction of her gaze...and all that it inferred. "You haven't mentioned your mom much. Let me guess, is she the reason you're on the train?"
No answer. Mary couldn't bring herself to answer. Echoes of her mother's scolding and yelling overloaded her brain, refusing to leave her alone. The memories shut down her vocal chords.
Seeing the hesitation on Mary's face, Blanca put a hand on Vic's head. "You probably shouldn't press the issue. She might not be comfortable talking about it right now."
"Oh," Vic lowered his head in remorse. "Sorry."
"It's fine. It's too...scary to talk about," Mary stammered.
Blanca smiled and retracted her hand back into herself. "It's alright, Mary. You don't have to talk about it if you're not comfortable doing so. But we're more than happy to listen if you ever choose to do so."
Mary flashed a shy smile. As much as she wanted to tell Vic about it, she wasn't quite sure if she should do so or not. Blanca was one thing, since she was a mother herself and was much nicer than her own mother. It was easy to open up to her. On the other hand, Vic was loud and opinionated, which she knew wasn't a bad thing. It meant that he had a lot of confidence in himself, and she did find herself a little envious of how he could speak his mind without constantly worrying if he was saying the right thing or not. But she did wonder if he would have things to say about her situation if she told him about it, or if he'd be nice about it like Blanca was. Would he listen and support her, or would he be the kind of denizen that would dismiss her as being a whiny brat? Or claim she should suck it up and get over it, like others had done? Insecurity gnawed at her chest like a dying animal, and the fear of the latter prevented her from mentioning anything further.
"It sounds like your dad, sister, and your friends are nice, so it's good you at least have some people in your corner," Vic said.
"...If only that were actually true…" Mary found herself whispering under her breath. But she did give Vic a nod in response to that, in the hopes that he didn't hear her.
Darkness consumed the rest of the sky, and Blanca suggested they all go to sleep, since it was getting late. The three of them pulled doilies over themselves and drifted off to dreamland. A week ago, Mary couldn't have imagined sleeping in a place like this, especially on a magical train. She wasn't sure if she'd have been brave enough to even leave the house and get on, much less early in the morning while everyone else was still asleep. Mary held Mimi tightly against her chest as her eyes grew heavy. She did wonder how Caitlin and Leo were doing. Were they worried about her? Were they out looking for her? What about Mr. Bryant? She was sure he might be worried about her. But she knew there wasn't anything she could do about them. Or everyone else, for that matter. Vic's statement replayed in her mind like a broken tape recorder. She wanted to believe her father and sister loved her. She truly did. But after what she saw on the blog, and how her mother mentioned them at various points...she didn't know anymore. Did they even know about the blog? Did they actually love her like they said they did, or was it all just a lie?
Questions without answers continued to linger as Mary finally fell asleep, with Mimi at her side.
Dana couldn't remember the last time she really had a moment to herself.
She sat at a bench in Schenley Park, completely silent, letting her legs dangle out onto the dirt and her limbs lay limp beside her. She shivered as a new October breeze brushed against her figure, cutting through her lavender sweater. But these days, it took so much effort to just feel alive. Alert. But she felt compelled to take in everything around her to the absolute highest degree. Most of her time was spent keeping an eye on Mary 24/7. When was the last time she was completely alone, having all the time in the world where she could just relax and take everything in? Dana wasn't sure. Her whole life felt like one big blur. A maze with no exit.
Earlier, she had intended to go to a meeting held by an autism support group she visited for years, but today's session had been cancelled. She didn't want to go back home so soon after she left, as she really didn't want to deal with Todd. It was on impulse that she came here. There was hardly anyone at the park today, even though it was a weekend. Dana saw a man walking his black dog. A black Labrador retriever, probably. An elderly couple walking side by side, slow as molasses, their conversation cheerful and merry. Joggers and runners zipping past her without a care in the world. A couple watching as their three children gathered dirt and tried to make a castle out of it.
The sight of that family made Dana's body go rigid. She wondered what their life was like. Probably different from their own. They probably went out and spent a lot of time together. Maybe going to dinner at fancy restaurants. Holding birthday parties. Never having a single fight or argument. Only worrying about making sure their kids didn't run into the street or too far away from them. Talking to each other and solving their problems peacefully. Dana found herself envying them, wondering why she couldn't have the life they had. A part of her knew she shouldn't envy them, or make assumptions about them. She didn't know them. They probably had just as many problems as she did. But as far as she was concerned, anything was better than what she was going through right now.
Mary's disappearance still weighed heavy on her mind. Her nine-year-old daughter, missing, somewhere out there, alone and vulnerable...this shouldn't have happened. None of this should have happened. A week of seemingly endless searching turned up nothing, but Dana knew she couldn't just put her life on pause just because Mary was gone. There were bills to pay. Meals to cook. Debts to pay off. Come to think of it...even though Mary was on her mind, Dana couldn't remember the last time she thought of anything or anyone except Mary. In all the years since her daughter's diagnosis, her mind had been filled with nothing but Mary, leaving hardly room for anything else. Doctor appointments. Therapist appointments. Meetings with the school board and social workers. Constantly having to keep Mary on a tight leash, worried that she might do something she shouldn't, like knock over something at a store or start screaming for some dumb reason.
"You need to be hyper-vigilant," A voice from her memories reminded her. It was the deep baritone of a doctor she consulted after Mary was first diagnosed as autistic. "You need to take control, because if the child is allowed to have their way in everything, they will dominate your entire life, and trust me, these types of children will not stray from their primal desires. If you see any deviation from the norm, any sign that they are retreating into their autistic behaviors, you have to be on it like a hawk swooping in to snatch their prey. You must be prepared for the possibility that Mary will likely never be able to handle herself in the real world."
Hyper-vigilant, indeed. She had a feeling raising an autistic child would be hard, but the doctor she consulted back then—she remembered his name was Dr. Goldman—confirmed all of her worst fears. Whether it was the pamphlets he gave her, or the links to those commercials made by Autism Speaks, this was not the life she pictured for herself. Constantly monitoring and correcting Mary on a regular basis. Constant arguments and fights. Constant worrying about Mary being set off by senseless minuti. Constantly rejecting every invitation to a party, an outing, or even a fancy dinner with work friends, because she couldn't be there to make sure Mary didn't destroy the house. Constant judgmental stares from onlookers. Constant whispers about how Dana was a bad mother who couldn't discipline her child properly whenever Mary threw herself onto the floor screaming her lungs out. Dr. Goldman had been right—raising a child like Mary proved to be a miserable, desolate existence.
Oddly enough, with Mary being missing...she was glad she could let her mind drift to something else for once in her life, even if it was for just a second.
"Therion! Wait up, boy!"
Something sniffed at Dana's shoes. She looked down, seeing a gray and white pit bull dog rubbing its nose against the soles of her shoes. The dog looked up at her with large brown eyes, as if wanting her to pet him.
"There you are!" A girl with curly red hair came running up, wasting no time taking the dog's leash. "Naughty boy! You shouldn't run off on me like that!" The girl rubbed Therion's head and stood up to face Dana. "Sorry about that. He didn't scare you, did he?"
Dana shook her head. "No, I'm fine."
"Don't worry, he's very friendly. He always wants somebody to pet him," The girl reassured.
Dana smiled, leaning down to scratch underneath Therion's chin. True to his owner's word, the dog rubbed his body against her, as if begging for more affection.
Wait a minute...Dana looked back up at Therion's owner. Deja vu filled her being. Had she seen this girl before? Upon further rumination, it hit her: This was the girl who was at the Barnes & Noble last Friday.
"Lianna! Did you find Therion?"
So Lianna was her name. An older woman approached the two of them, her chest heaving as she stopped to catch her breath.
"Yeah, I got him, Mom," Lianna told her.
Deja vu hit Dana once again, only it came with a heaping helping of dread. She recognized the red haired woman. It was one of the mothers who had accompanied them on the field trip to the Carnegie Science Center years ago! Edith Kesserling was her name. Edith seemed to recognize her as well.
"Wait. Dana Summers?" Edith inquired. "Hello there!"
"He...Hello…" Dana stammered, unsure of what to say.
"I haven't seen you in a while," Edith said, greeting her warmly. But her smile turned into a frown shortly afterward. "I heard about what happened to Mary. I'm so sorry."
Dana stood up from the bench, averting the red haired woman's gaze. "Thank you. It's been...hard…" To think she would run into Edith Kesserling of all people out here. She wanted to just run away, but she didn't want to come across as rude, especially since Edith was giving her condolences.
"If there's anything I can do to help you in any way, don't ever hesitate to ask," Edith told her.
"Y-Y-Yes. I appreciate it," Any words Dana choked out threatened to lodge themselves in her throat. She was sure any minute, Lianna was going to bring up the Barnes & Noble incident. If Lianna was there, perhaps Edith was there too, and she probably saw Mary's tantrum as well. Dana wanted to disappear. Teleport away. Save herself from the same familiar insults. Incompetent. Can't discipline her child right. Can't get her child under control. Why bother bringing a badly behaved child out in public?
"I'm sure you're going through a tough time right now," Edith continued on.
"You don't...need to worry about me," Dana replied, flinging her purse over her shoulder. "I should get going."
Before Dana could make a mad dash for it, Edith called out to her, stopping her in her tracks. "You know...Lianna and I were taking a walk around the track. Would you...maybe like to join us?"
Join her? On a simple walk? Dana's jaw fell agape, and her eyes went wide as saucers. Lianna found herself shocked as well. A part of her wanted to leave, but...when was the last time someone had invited her to just hang out? Years ago? Dana always rejected invitations like this, as she needed to be home with Mary. She didn't think anyone else could handle Mary on their own, not even her husband or older daughter. It was her job to look after Mary 24/7. Autistic children were extremely high maintenance like that. That was what Dr. Goldman had told her. Now that Mary was gone...what was stopping her from rejecting this woman's kind invitation now? She hadn't brought up the incident from two years ago. Had she forgotten about it, or did she simply decide to move on?
It was here that Dana realized...she was free. Free from the shackles that held her down for the past nine years. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to join them on their walk.
"Actually...I'd love to. Thank you for having me," Dana replied, her voice almost a whisper.
With that, the trio found themselves walking on the track, with Therion the pit bull leading the way. At first, the conversation was normal. Joyful, even. It had been so long since Dana talked to someone her own age about her own interests, current events, or even about someone else's life. She was so engrossed in their conversations that Mary had completely slipped her mind. But she did notice one thing: Lianna never looked Dana in the eye whenever Dana tried to speak to her. At one point, Dana asked Edith how her family was doing.
"Xavier's fine. He's at home with my son Greg. Now that his hours at work are more flexible, he's been really happy to be able to spend more time with us," Edith explained, her voice adopting a cheerful lilt to it. She turned to her daughter, who kept her eyes focused on Therion. "This past weekend, he and Lianna went to the Phipps Conservatory."
"Oh. I bet their gardens this year are so beautiful," Dana said. It had been a while since she, Todd, and the girls had gone there. The last time they went was last Christmas. "I admit, it's hard for me to go out to places like that. I've had my hands full with Mary, and...I can't exactly trust her to behave herself whenever we go out no matter how hard I try to make sure she does."
It was here that Edith and Lianna exchanged awkward expressions. "Well…" Edith changed the subject. "Mary's due to start middle school next year, right? Have you thought about which one you'll send her to? In the district, I mean?"
Dana shook her head. Edith turned to Lianna and asked, "Is it okay if I mention it?"
Lianna nodded.
Permission secured, Edith spoke again. "I enrolled Lianna in Hannah Dustin Middle School way back when, and they have a specialized autism support unit that's helped her immensely. The staff are always so supportive, and they always take the time to play to the kids' strengths in order to help them succeed."
A specialized autism unit...Dana looked up at the clear blue sky, ruminating on that thought. "I'll have to look into it, mainly to see if they have any ABA programs there."
Both Edith and Lianna stopped in their tracks, their faces blanched like they saw ghosts. On the other hand, Therion sniffed at a tuft of grass at the edge of the red track they were on. It took a second for Dana to see the mystified looks on their faces.
"...What's wrong?"
"They don't have ABA," Edith clarified.
Dana frowned. She was hoping they did. But if Edith sent her daughter there, she'd probably know if they did or not, and her answer confirmed it.
"Mom?" Lianna gently poked her mother's arm. "Can I talk to you in private?" She whispered.
Edith flashed a forced smile in Dana's direction. "You'll have to excuse us," With that, mother, daughter, and dog scuttled over to some brush off the edge of the track. Figuring it was something private, Dana remained where she was, pulling her phone out to see if she received any texts. The last thing she wanted to be was an eavesdropper.
Unbeknownst to her, this was the conversation they had.
"Mom. I really don't think this is a good idea. You and I both saw what she did to her kid last week. You're not seriously considering trying to be her friend, are you?"
"No, Lianna. Of course not. I just thought I'd reach out to her, from one mother to another. Offering my condolences and a sympathetic ear doesn't mean I endorse her actions."
"I know, but didn't you tell me you saw her almost beat Mary at the Carnegie Science Center trip two years ago? And the second you mentioned the support unit, the first thing she asked was if it had ABA. That's a clear sign she obviously doesn't give a rat's ass about Mary, and shouldn't she be, I don't know, out looking for her right now?"
"Yeah, I remember. You're right to be worried, and to be honest, I have been, too. But we can't exactly yell at a mother whose child is missing. It'd make us look bad, and it's not exactly good form. I'm just trying to be friendly and polite is all."
"Some people aren't worth being polite to."
There was a brief silence between them until Edith broke it. "Well, if she says or does something, we can leave. It won't be for much longer."
With that, the two of them, dog included, joined back up with Dana. Therion pulled Lianna a little further ahead. Dana found herself smiling as she watched the older girl play with the dog.
"She's in high school, right?" Dana asked.
"Yep, a junior."
And on the spectrum, based on what Edith inferred about the support unit at the school she mentioned. "She's so well-adjusted. I have to admit, I'm envious that you can trust her with your dog," Dana put a hand to her forehead. "I struggle so much just to get Mary under control at times. Every day is a constant battle, and I always feel like I somehow failed a mother."
Lianna stopped walking, as did Dana when she noticed. But the look she saw on Lianna's face made ice run through her face. The girl's eyes were squinted into what was clearly an angry glare, as if viscerally disgusted by what she said just now.
On the other hand, Edith made a scrunched up face Dana couldn't quite read, but the red haired woman spoke right away. "Raising an autistic child isn't about control. It's about figuring out what works for them and what doesn't, and accepting them for who they are."
It was Dana's turn to stare at Edith, completely dumbfounded. This was not the answer she expected...or wanted.
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why would you ever accept it?"
In that moment, Edith's mouth fell agape, like she heard Dana drop some kind of slur. The red haired woman and her daughter were rooted to their spots on the track, flicking through countless words in their head in attempts to find the right ones. Dana raised her eyebrows, confused as to why they were looking at her like she had been disfigured with poison ivy.
"Excuse me?"
"By accepting Lianna being autistic, you're basically giving up on any hope of having any kind of normal life," Dana told her. "Isn't the whole point to make autistic children as indistinguishable from their peers as possible and to overcome it?"
Lianna narrowed her eyes into odious slits. "Autism isn't something that can be overcome," She retorted, her voice hard with unrestrained bitterness.
Dana paid her comment no heed and continued speaking to Edith, paying just as little heed to the deer-in-the-headlights look she had. "You can't spend your whole life catering to your child's every carnal desire. All you're doing is promoting non-compliance, and you can't imagine the embarrassment doing that could cause you."
Before she could continue further, Edith backed away at least two steps, her face contorting into a snarl. "Do you have any idea what you're saying right now?"
Instead of answering her question, Dana palavered on about her own experiences. "I know this because I struggle with raising Mary every single day. Like I told you on the field trip, every single day is a battle that wears me down and makes me miserable all the time. What kind of mother would I be if I simply accepted her as she was and catered to her every whim? It'd make me no better than those parents who spoil their kids rotten and don't bother to discipline them. I'd be encouraging her inappropriate behavior and jeopardizing her chances at having a future."
Edith crossed her arms. "So you basically want to cure Mary and make her not autistic. Is that it?" She hissed the sentence out like it was poison.
"That's what the doctor I consulted said I should do," Dana continued on, ignoring the look of anger on Edith's face and shrugging defensively. "I also read a lot of informative articles put out by Autism Speaks that detail how to deal with raising an autistic child. They also have some very good videos—"
"Citation needed," Lianna deadpanned, her voice harder than stone. "Autism Speaks is a hate group run by pieces of shit who think autistic people don't deserve to exist, and you're basically falling for all of their bullshit propaganda."
Yet again, she paid Lianna's comment no heed. Instead, she leaned closer to Edith, getting into her personal space. "That, right there, is an example of non-compliance. She shouldn't talk that way to an adult, and by accepting that she's autistic and not making an effort to cure her, you're encouraging her to behave inappropriately. I notice she hasn't looked me in the eye whenever I try to talk to her. She needs to learn that eye contact is an essential social skill that shows she's listening to others. If she doesn't make eye contact, she's basically being rude to people who are talking to her. She won't get anywhere in life if you let her behave the way she does, or else she's going to wind up being a target."
In the course of a few seconds, Edith's reflexes activated. A hand rose high in the air and struck Dana square across the cheek, with such force that it almost knocked her over. It felt like a glass bottle shattered inside her head, and her cheek roared. Dana blinked her brain into place as she felt her cheek sting like hell, but even she, in her shocked delirium, could see the visceral, vitriolic disgust on Edith's face plain as day. Even Lianna couldn't help but watch in place, even as Therion took a second to urinate on the grass.
"How dare you…!" Edith hissed through her teeth. Her whole body shuddered with rage, like it took everything she had to keep herself from throwing herself at Dana and ripping her apart limb by limb. "Don't you ever, EVER, degrade my daughter like that and suggest that I basically abuse her and mold her into some kind of puppet!" She shouted so loudly, had there been people nearby, they would have turned to watch the brouhaha unfold. Since the park was mostly empty, and the three of them were by themselves, there were no witnesses.
"I really thought you were just misguided," Edith choked out. "That you just needed a hand. I even tried to reach out to you in your time of need. Clearly, that was a mistake on my part! What the hell is WRONG with you?!" She screamed.
Lianna's hands flew to her ears, but she didn't dare move away. Blood rushed to Dana's face as Edith continued her tirade. "Honestly, I feel more sorry for Mary than I do you, what with how I've seen you treat her! I'm surprised the police don't suspect you of being involved with her disappearance! And you'd rather just sit here, whining about how she makes you soooo miserable, and have a pity party than actually go out and search for her! You need to pull the wool from your eyes, woman! Even I can see that Mary has never been the problem! You're the one going off on her for absolutely nothing!"
For once, Dana couldn't think of a single thing to say. Her worst fears were being confirmed, and there was nothing she could do to refute them.
"I think it's time I told you straight: Yes, you did fail as a mother, but not for the reasons you think!" Edith bellowed. "Instead of trying to turn Mary into your so-called perfect child and whining about how she needs to be cured and disciplined, why don't you try to understand her and love her for who she is?! Punishing her and shaming her for being autistic is NOT the way to help her live a successful life! And you've got a lot of nerve, trying to tell me how to raise my daughter when she's doing just fine, thank you very much! Is it any wonder people around here call you a Karen?!"
Dana opened her mouth to speak, but Edith silenced her by holding her palm up. "I never should have given you the benefit of the doubt. I'm a damn idiot for thinking you had any humanity in you. Come on, Lianna."
With that, Edith stomped away. Dana held a hand to her cheek, but it did nothing to alleviate the stinging from the slap. Oddly enough, Lianna remained where she was, glaring daggers at Dana, her eyes flashing fire.
"Did it ever occur to you that it's not Mary making you miserable, but that you're the one making her miserable?" Lianna asked. "Maybe try listening to her for once instead of making everything all about you?"
Only then did Lianna and Therion leave. Dana's legs turned to jelly, and she fell to her knees. Tears trickled out from her eyes, burning her already stinging cheek. This shouldn't have happened. It shouldn't have. So many words scrambled through her mind, and every attempt to put them in a coherent form was futile.
Voices echoed in her brain. Angry voices.
"Dammit, lady! You need to control your children!"
"Do you have any idea how much you embarrassed me?!"
"They say children grow up as they were raised! It's no wonder Mary turned out the way she did! It's all your fault!"
Rage bubbled from inside her. Edith was wrong. She just had to be. She didn't know what living with Mary was like. How could she possibly know what was right for Mary? Dana couldn't bring herself to believe she herself was the problem. How could she, when she put so much work into proving that she wasn't?
"Listen to Mary? Why not listen to me for once in my damn life? I'm the one who's scared and miserable!"
Edith couldn't be right about this. She just couldn't.
But...was she?
A/N:
1: Yes, I know Mary deliberately ignoring Todd and Reagan's texts makes her come across as unsympathetic. Yes, this is intentional.
2: For all you autistics out there, watch out for a comic book called Little Victories by Yvon Roy. It's yet another stupid autism warrior parent memoir where the parent whines about how bad it is to raise an autistic child and their efforts to "overcome" it by abuse-disguised-as-love. Blech. I will never understand why media depicts awful parents trying to "cure" their autistic kids and abusing them as being in the right. The Netflix show Atypical does it, To Siri With Love does it, Autism Uncensored does it, and now this new addition to the autism warrior parent trash pile. Rest assured, people, I will never, ever, EVER, depict Dana's blatant ableism as the right course of action. Even writing her trying to justify her actions made me want to puke. I will never have characters praise Dana for her abusive actions, like how Atypical tries to make the mom on that show out to be in the right when anyone with a brain can see that she's an awful parent to her kid.