Chapter 9: The Cross-Eyed Duck Car
Every day, since he got hired, 28-year-old Todd Summers went to work at city hall, suitcase in hand, ready for anything. He was one of many new recruits who had an easier grasp on newer accounting software than most of the senior workers, who were more accustomed to using things like floppy disk drives and Xerox machines, and those were gradually beginning to get phased out. One cold January day, Todd made his way into the office as usual, a pile of papers in his hand.
"Todd? There you are!" As he walked past some cubicles, a portly middle-aged man with a gray receding hairline approached.
Todd stopped with a smile and greeted him. "Good morning, Frank. Is there anything you need?"
Frank, with his name tag reading F. Baumhauer, was his boss, the head of the accounting department in Woodland Hills City Hall. Behind him, a small, mousy young woman stood, her black hair in a straight ponytail. She was about a foot shorter than Todd, and she wore a white blouse underneath a red blazer, black pants, and black leather shoes. She wasn't anyone Todd recognized. A new hire, maybe?
"This here is one of the new hires, Dana Fitzpatrick. Dana, this is Todd Summers," Frank introduced the two of them. "She's going to be one of our new accountants."
Understandable. Since the older technology the office was using was getting phased out, it seemed reasonable to hire new people and advance to newer software. Todd smiled, extending his hand out for Dana to shake. The woman shyly took it, and her shake was rather limp, but he didn't mind. He figured she was just nervous.
"It's nice to meet you, sir," Dana said in a low but sweet voice.
"For now, we're having her get started by having her transfer the data from floppy disks over to the new CDs," Frank elaborated. "Since you've been doing that for a few months already, would you be willing to teach her how it works over the next week or two? I'm sure having some help will make the process move quicker."
Todd did a double take. He had only been working here for five months, yet his boss was already trusting him to teach a new recruit? It almost seemed too good to be true. But Frank had told him on several occasions that he was very happy with the quality of his work, blown away by how quickly he was able to understand and work with both the old and new software and complete his reports in a timely manner. Or maybe he thought Dana would feel better working with someone who was closer to her own age. She did look to be in her late twenties like he was. Maybe this could be a good opportunity.
With a pleased grin, Todd replied, "Sure. I'd be happy to."
The training went as follows: For the first week, Todd would shadow Dana and she would watch him do his work to get a grasp on what she needed to do. After that, Dana would put what she learned into practice, with Todd overseeing things until she got comfortable with the process. There was some trial and error, but gradually, Dana got more and more used to transferring data from floppy disks onto actual CDs and learning about the different kinds of software. She also grew less nervous over time. Sometimes, when Todd would go on his break, he would see Dana happily chatting with the other ladies who worked in the same section. There was a new glow about her that Todd couldn't quite put into words, and she had a particularly merry laugh that sounded…genuine. Like it was stuffed inside a jar for years and finally burst open.
One day, in March, Dana waltzed into the break room with a spring in her step, holding a big box of donuts with one arm. "Everyone! I brought you guys donuts!" She announced with an almost uncharacteristic cheer in her voice.
Everyone, Todd included, stared in awe as Dana happily opened the box before them. There were sixteen donuts in total, all different flavors. Some had sprinkles on them, others had frosting on them, others were perfectly plain.
"Wow! What brought this on all of a sudden?" One of the women asked. Right afterward, two of her coworkers snagged donuts as soon as they saw them.
Dana gave a sheepish giggle as she smiled and rubbed the back of her head with one hand. "Oh, it's just…you guys have all been so kind to me since I've started, I figured I should at least do something for you in return. I don't get to do this often, so help yourselves."
Todd slowly took a chocolate frosted donut out from the box with one hand, flashing a grin at Dana as he did so. "That's very nice of you to think of us, Dana. Thank you so much," He told her before taking a bite. For just a split second, he saw specs of pink bloom on Dana's cheeks. Grateful for their new coworker's generosity, everyone wasted no time taking their chosen donuts and helping themselves.
But this wouldn't be the last time Dana went out of her way to make her coworkers happy. When another coworker announced they were getting married a month later, Dana purchased a nice little basket full of candies for them, congratulating them for their marriage. Dana always seemed to go out of her way to make everyone's day a little brighter. Even during happy hour, Dana would illuminate the entire room with her cheer, and she never had a bad word to say about anyone. It was like she brought new life to the office, in more ways than one.
When June came around, work was speeding up, and Todd cherished the half hour he spent in the break room. At one point, a coworker slid into the chair next to him. "Hey Todd! Hot enough for you?"
Todd scoffed. "Oh, wouldn't you know it? Harold, these past three hours felt like decades stranded in the desert."
Harold whistled as he adjusted the collar on his shirt. "I really hope the repairman comes in to fix the AC. By the way…" Harold curiously eyed Todd. "Have you asked Dana out yet?"
Ask her out? Todd did a double take, holding his fork in mid-air, with the lettuce close to falling back into his plastic tin. "Why would I do that?"
Harold broke into a chuckle. "Come on, man. Don't think I can't tell. You're totally sweet on her."
"We're just friends," Todd told him, raising an eyebrow.
"Todd, ever since that girl got hired, you go out of your way to talk to her every chance you get," Harold pointed out. "Half the office thinks you two are dating, and honestly? You two do look pretty cute together."
That was all it took for Todd's face to flush red. He and Dana weren't dating. But…as much as Todd hated to admit it, Harold wasn't wrong about everything else.
"I just enjoy her company, that's all. She's a nice person to talk to," Todd stammered, but he winced at how forced that statement sounded. "She's not fake like other girls I used to work with. Besides, girls don't care about guys like me."
Well, that was what his self-deprecating brain told him, at the very least. Todd never considered himself much of a looker, much less a chick magnet. Girls never went out of their way to ask him out or fall all over themselves just to get his attention. Especially not during high school. As far as Todd knew, girls like Dana were out of his league. He had always been the frumpy computer nerd with his nose glued into a book, taking his studies more seriously than anyone else he knew. Dating was never a priority.
On the other hand, Harold gently elbowed him. "You might be surprised," He said. "Why not give it a shot? It's pretty clear you're sweet on her. But if you don't act now, you might not get another chance."
If there was one thing Todd wasn't fond of, it was people making dating and marriage out to be the only thing that would make someone feel fulfilled in life, like it was some sort of obligation that absolutely had to be done no matter what. What was wrong with staying single? Dana was nice, sure, and Todd did like her to an extent, but at the moment, he had no interest in dating right now.
"That'll be my prerogative, thank you very much," Todd quipped.
Taking the hint, Harold shrugged and went back to eating his lunch. "You're right. I can't tell you what to do with your life. Just throwing it out there."
After that, Todd tried to push the idea out of his mind, but it always found some way to squirm back into his brain. But Harold was right that talking with Dana always made him happy. There were even times where just thinking about her would make his heart beat faster than usual. Was that a sign? Did he…like Dana in that way?
He wasn't sure. But maybe just one date wouldn't hurt.
Opportunity arrived in August of 1999, when a relative gave him four free movie tickets he won in a contest out of nowhere. The relative gave Todd the extra two, as he didn't need them. When his shift at work ended, Todd stood in front of city hall, tickets in hand. It was still light out, and daylight would linger until at least seven or so. Finally, Dana exited the building, her black ponytail bouncing as she walked. Her purse in hand, she was about to dash away, but Todd called out to her.
"Dana!"
That was all it took to make her stop and turn his way. "Hi, Todd," She greeted him with her usual smile, soft like the delicate petals of a fresh rose. "Great work today."
"Same to you," Todd croaked, suddenly unable to get the words out. Now that she was here, it felt like he was standing at the precipice of a tall cliff. But he knew he couldn't let this chance slip by, no matter how daunting it seemed. He had to do this now. With this mantra in mind, Todd took in a deep breath.
"Listen…are you free this weekend, by any chance?" Todd asked.
Dana took a minute to ruminate, but her answer was quick and succinct. "I don't have any particular plans. Why?"
The moment of truth. Todd opened his right hand to show Dana the movie tickets. "One of my cousins gave me tickets for this new movie that just came out. American Beauty. I was wondering if…maybe…" Todd stammered as he tried to push the words out. "I'm thinking about going. Would you…I don't know…maybe…like to come with me?"
It took seconds for Dana to process what he was saying, and he could see the realization in her eyes plain as day. She blinked at him twice, dumbfounded. Did he do something wrong? Todd's cheeks flushed with heat.
Dana crossed her arms. "Are you…asking me out or something?"
Knowing it'd be impossible to lie to her, Todd sheepishly nodded. She read him like a map. He wondered if she was creeped out.
His worries didn't come to pass. Dana simply smiled again and said, "Sure! I'd love to go with you! I had been contemplating seeing it."
She…said yes? Not the actual word, but her answer was just as good. Todd felt on top of the world. "Awesome! So what time do you want to meet at the theater? Maybe seven?"
The two of them discussed their rendezvous and smoothed out their plans before parting ways for the day. When Dana got in her car and drove away, Todd shouted "Yes!" and began jumping around, up and down, in circles, as though he had won the lottery. For once, his insecurities and doubts had no say in what would transpire tomorrow.
True to their word, they both met at the theater in Monroeville. Normally, whenever he went to the movies, Todd put on a plain T-shirt and slacks, but he decided to put in some effort to look nice for his date, so he settled on a white collared shirt, a red necktie, black trousers, and his leather shoes. When he got to the theater, he was struck dumb when he saw Dana standing by the entrance. She had on a lovely knee-length pink dress with artificial roses around the collar, like she was dressed to attend a formal party. Her hair was pulled back into her usual ponytail, which swung when Dana met Todd's eyes.
"You made it!" Dana exclaimed, turning around to face him.
His voice returned, and Todd reminded himself that it'd be rude to respond. "Sorry if I'm late. Did you have to wait long?"
Dana shook her head. "Only about five minutes, but I don't mind. I like people watching."
With his mouth stretching into a grin, Todd walked over to the door and opened it like a gentleman, gesturing for her to come inside. "Ladies first."
Dana stifled a giggle. "Thank you."
They decided to attend the 6:30 PM showing, and they sat next to one another in the middle of the theater. However, the movie was…not at all what they expected. The movie was about a middle aged man who was dissatisfied with his life, only getting himself together after developing a crush on a teenaged girl. Todd was turned off after half an hour in the theater, but he didn't want to be rude and walk out of the theater. Sometimes he would turn Dana's way and see her eyebrows creased together, looking very uncomfortable. Did she hate the movie as well? Todd chastised himself for not picking a better movie for them to watch.
When Todd's eyes observe the theater around him, it almost feels suffocating, being in a dark room full of people taking up every seat. The heavy feeling of tension in his chest didn't ease, and he's unsure if it'll ever leave. But there was something else that unsettled him greatly. A scene played out on the giant screen, depicting a mother slapping her daughter in the face and yelling at her. A sniffing sound next to him pulled him out of the movie. Turning to his left he saw…Dana, staring at the screen, with tears streaming down her face. Questions ran through Todd's mind. Was she crying because she was mesmerized by the movie? Or was it something else? He attempted to ask her what was wrong, but his throat closed up. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.
"Are you okay, Dana?" He was able to choke out this question.
Dana gave a silent nod as she wiped her tears away. Not wanting to press it any further out of fear of making her uncomfortable, Todd went back to watching the movie…and wishing he could take Dana and run out of the theater.
Finally, after what seemed to be hours, the movie ended, and the two of them sat just outside the theater, on a bench underneath a clear night sky.
"That was…really bad," Todd said.
"It wasn't what I expected, that's for sure," Dana replied.
Todd sighed. "I'm sorry, Dana. I had no idea the movie would turn out that way. I wish I had picked something better for us to watch."
"Oh, no no!" Dana waved a dismissive hand in his direction. "Don't feel bad, Todd. I may not have liked the movie, but I still enjoyed spending time with you."
Todd cracked a sheepish grin. "Glad to hear it. I just wish I could have made our date better for you."
"You did your best. Besides, the night's still young," Dana told him reassuringly. "Why don't we go to a restaurant nearby?"
Dinner? As far as Todd was concerned, that was the best idea Dana could ever suggest. He checked his watch, seeing that it was a little past 8:30, and plenty of restaurants were open around this time. "Sure. I'm cool with that."
With that in mind, the two of them walked around the town to find any restaurants that were open. Lights from inside the establishments seemed to illuminate the town square. But he could tell something was still up with Dana. The memory of her crying silently in the theater flashed back through his mind. He brought his eyes back to the slim woman in her pink dress, and noticed her cheeks looked a little flushed.
"Dana? Can I ask you…a bit of a personal question?" Todd asked, unsure of where to start.
"You're wondering why I was crying back there, right?" Dana fired back, reading his mind like a book.
The sudden, accurate answer took him aback. Todd had no idea he was that easy to read. Todd stopped walking, giving a sigh as he ran a hand through his hair, embarrassed from being outed so quickly. "You don't have to say if you're not comfortable. I was just concerned that maybe I might have—"
"It's fine," Dana gently cut him off, but hung her head down as she spoke. The faint illumination of the streetlight highlighted her flushed cheeks and wet eyes. She looked like she was about to cry again, but she pursed her lips together, as if trying to maintain her composure.
"It's true that I wasn't a fan of the movie, but I wasn't crying because of anything you did. The thing is…" Dana began, before pausing for a bit, then speaking again. "It brought back a lot of memories for me. Bad memories. You see…Carolyn, the mother…reminds me so much of my own mother."
So she was overcome with memories from the past. Todd frowned, guilt weighing down on his being. The fact that he had taken Dana to a not-so-great movie made him feel guilty enough, but the revelation that the decision made her relieve unhappy memories made him feel worse.
"Was your mother like Carolyn?"
"Pretty much, in every way possible," Dana replied. The two of them found another bench, sitting down as Dana spoke. It was easier to talk when one was sitting than standing and walking. "Only she wasn't a real estate agent. My mother was a housewife, and she took her role very seriously. Too seriously, in fact."
Dana went on to explain that while she had a nice house to live in, food to eat, clothes on her back, and so on, her parents were very cold, strict, and authoritarian, obsessed with coming across as the perfect family to their neighbors and relatives. Dana's mother was even considered the perfect wife, who ruled the household and was completely convinced that everything in the house, from the decorations to her children's behavior, would reflect badly on her. Because of her rigid views on parenting, Dana and her brother were scolded and punished more often than thanked, never given much in the way of praise for anything unless they conformed to certain societal norms. Men were supposed to be the strong breadwinners who worked every day and were given free reign to do whatever they wanted, and women were supposed to stay at home, cook meals, raise the kids, and be subservient to their husbands in every way no matter what. These rules were written into every single facet of their lives, and her mother insisted that every single minute of their days be devoted to learning the rules of society.
"My mother would always drag me into the kitchen and teach me how to make food, even when I didn't want to or had homework to do. I mean, I didn't mind cooking in and of itself, but Mother always insisted that I take lessons constantly, every single day, and I couldn't leave until I got the recipe exactly right. I had to always change my clothes whenever it was close to dinner time, because she said as a woman, it was my obligation to always look rested, relaxed, and attractive when my father came home from work. I couldn't eat sweets like ice cream or chocolate bars, because she said it'd ruin my figure. I wasn't even allowed to wear pants or jeans, even though all the girls I went to school with were allowed to," Dana explained, her voice quavering. "Every infraction, no matter how minor, she saw as a crime and a personal attack against her. Anything I did, whether it be saying no or wanting to play with my brother's Transformers toys, she would slap me or spank me and call me an ungrateful brat, claiming that she brought me into this world, so I needed to repay her by not behaving in ways that would reflect badly on her. These days, it'd be considered child abuse for sure, but to her, that was normal. But I knew that it wasn't, because I went to friends' houses lots of times, and their parents were far more lenient. It was just so…suffocating being around her every single day."
Todd's hands rested on his lap, fingers interlaced, brows furrowed, as he processed everything Dana was telling him. He had no idea Dana had gone through so much. It certainly explained why she seemed so nervous when she got hired. But he didn't want her to feel obligated to share the full story. The fact that she was opening up to him about something personal was probably hard enough in and of itself. All Todd knew was that Dana wanted someone to be there for her and listen to her, and what kind of man would he be if he just brushed her off?
"I can't imagine what that must be like, having your entire life be micromanaged like that," Todd swallowed, feeling some strands of hair get into his face as he spoke, lowering his head as he did so. He had never experienced the life Dana had, as his own parents were kind, hard-working people who loved their kids dearly, and respected them as individuals, helping them when they needed it and only punishing them when absolutely necessary. Just trying to imagine his parents being like Dana's mother…Todd couldn't fathom the thought.
"The high school I went to was offering computer and coding classes as electives, and I signed up for them right away. But my mother found out and…she was just livid," Dana's face contorted as if she were in pain just from remembering that particular memory. "She lectured me for hours, telling me what a disgrace I am and that my actions are an embarrassment to her and constantly went 'What would the neighbors say?' the entire time. She even arranged a meeting with the principal and tried to make him swap the classes out for home economics. Thankfully, he didn't budge and let me keep the electives."
Despite his efforts to maintain a stoic demeanor, Todd couldn't prevent his jaw dropping open. What mother would take such offense to her daughter wanting to take computer classes to the point where she'd raise a complaint to the principal? He definitely couldn't fathom his own mother doing such a thing. Good on her high school principal for letting Dana keep her preferred classes. Todd wished his own high school principal was like that.
"Sounds like your mother's a control freak of the highest order," Todd chimed in.
A stray tear trickled out from Dana's eye, and she sniffed before wiping it away with her arm. "It got to the point where I couldn't wait to move out of the house," Dana confessed, her voice growing coarse after so much talking, but she continued on. "I was just so sick of her trying to dictate how I should live my life…and making a huge deal out of every little thing that wasn't worth making a fuss about. After graduation, a friend of mine told me she was going to move out of state to an apartment here so she could be closer to her family."
Dana had mentioned once that she originally came from Michigan, but not the reason she had moved here.
"She mentioned needing a roommate, and I offered to go with her the second she mentioned it," Dana elaborated. "She knew about my situation and let me move in with her."
"It's a good thing you did," Todd told her, leaning back against the bench. "I don't think I could handle someone like your mother even for a minute."
Dana flashed a sheepish grin, but it went back into a frown not long after, right as her gaze dropped back to her feet. "I've been away from my parents for years, and now I'm able to do whatever I want. But…" Dana pulled her knees to her chest. "Sometimes I still hear my mother's voice in my head, chiding me over everything I do, calling me a disgrace for not being the perfect child she wanted me to be. Sorry for unloading on you like this."
Todd shook his head. "Don't be, Dana. Part of it was my fault for picking a movie that reminded you so much of your old life."
"You couldn't have known. It's not something I talk about," Dana reminded him.
Fair point. Plus, how was he supposed to know American Beauty had a controlling mother figure in it when he had never even seen the movie beforehand? It had only just come out in theaters.
"I have to admit, it's kind of shocking to hear all of this," Todd mentioned. "I never would have imagined you dealt with that kind of hardship, as you're usually pretty upbeat and cheerful at work."
Dana's form becomes slightly smaller as she fiddles with the hem of her dress, like she's trying to push her vulnerability to the side and failing. "That's what I'd like to be. I've only been like that because I'm away from my parents. I'm actually very insecure, often nervous about everything. Sometimes I can't get through the day without looking over my shoulder every five seconds," She let out a broken laugh. "It's so…freeing to finally be able to live the life I want to, without feeling like I'm under a microscope, being criticized and scrutinized over every slight, real or imagined, and being used as a tool for my mother's performance evaluation."
In the back of Todd's mind, he did sometimes wonder what Dana's life was like before coming to work at the city hall. But he often made it a point not to ask too many personal questions, as he didn't want to come across as prying or being too forward. None of this was what he had expected at all. To think Dana had to endure years of such hardship. Nausea burned in his stomach as he tried to imagine what kind of childhood that had to have been like.
"I'm sorry. I probably ruined the date you had planned, didn't I?" Dana asked.
The question threw Todd for a loop, and he was quick to shake his head. "Of course not. You did no such thing," Todd's voice rose as he responded, sliding just a little closer to Dana. His dark eyes narrowed, gleaming with conviction, and his voice was firm when he spoke again. "I'm sorry I couldn't give you the date that you deserved, but I can assure you that I will never, ever punish you or degrade you for not being perfect. Nobody is. Not even me."
Relief poured over Dana as she returned his gaze, with her eyes wide with a deer-in-the-headlights look. It was like Todd's words were an oasis for one who wandered the desert for years. Had she really never heard such reassurance before? It explained why she seemed so nervous when she got hired. She doesn't quite hug Todd in return, but she puts her legs back down and rests her head against his arm, her black locks tumbling against his sleeve. Todd returned the gesture with a smile, taking Dana's small, delicate hand into his bigger one. Her hand was warm, like fur on a newborn kitten.
Was this what being in love was like? That feeling of wanting to be there for someone and cherish them for all that they are. Wanting to be with someone and give them all the love that they were denied previously. Dana went through so much, and took it upon herself to leave and find her own happiness. That in and of itself was something to admire.
"No one's ever said anything like that to me before," Dana whispered. "Thank you, Todd. Your kindness really means a lot to me…"
"The least I can do is listen," Todd replied. "I know there isn't much I can do, but don't ever hesitate to rely on me if you ever need anything at all."
Dana nodded, and Todd could feel her head moving against his upper arm. "I'd like that a lot."
It was here that Todd knew it for sure: He was in love with Dana. She was the one. Whether through good times or bad, he wanted to be right by her side. After a while, Dana stood back up. "Alright, I think that's enough unloading for one night," Just like that, the cheerful smile she displayed at work returned with a vengeance, if one could call it that. "I just remembered, there's a nice Japanese restaurant around here. They have great karaage chicken. My treat, since you paid for the snacks at the theater."
A Japanese restaurant? Todd stood right up from the bench, liking the idea. "Well, who can say no to that? Lead the way, Dana. But let's go half on the payment. It'd be rude to let you do all the heavy financial lifting."
Hand in hand, the two of them strutted along the sidewalk, their smiles illuminated by the streetlights.
Todd wasn't sure why he remembered his first date with Dana, but the memories came flooding back to him as he and Reagan sat on a bench in the police station lobby. The detective who oversaw Mary's case told them to come to the station, as he knew someone who could look into Reagan's phone and find out where Mary is potentially located with specialized technology. The finer details didn't quite settle into their brains because of how complicated they were, but for the moment, knowing that Mary was at least still alive was a relief in and of itself. But it wasn't the same as actually having her here. The two of them had been in there for half an hour, and so far, there wasn't any news.
During that time, Todd texted Dana and told her where they were, along with the recent news. But there was no response. Calling her didn't help, either. Todd tried calling her again a fourth time, holding the phone to his ear. Yet again, all he got was an answering machine, clenching his teeth as he decided to leave yet another message.
"Dana! Where are you?!" Todd exclaimed. "Reagan and I are at the police station and they have news on Mary! You need to get here right away!" With a grunt, he pressed the End Call button before letting out a defeated sigh and putting a hand on his forehead. "My God, of all the times Dana has to turn her phone off…"
Just then, a man in a long beige coat came out into the lobby and approached them. His sandy blonde hair parted down the front, and he had a subtle beard that had been shaved recently, but still looked presentable. "Todd? Sorry to make you wait so long."
Todd stood up and shook the man's hand. "It's no problem, Detective Outteridge. Were you able to glean anything from Reagan's phone?" He asked.
Unfortunately, Dt. Outteridge frowned and shook his head. "My technicians looked as deep as they could. They tried everything. Checking if the signal bounced off of cell towers all over Allegheny County, checking call log settings, GPS, even the StingRay phone trackers we've had set up. But nothing came of it."
Both Todd and Reagan instantly deflated. Reagan buried her face in her hands while Todd just sat back down. Still nothing! To think this one ray of hope was dashed so quickly.
"The only thing we were able to confirm is that the texts did, in fact, come from Mary's phone," Dt. Outteridge reaffirmed. "But at this point, we don't know for sure if she was the one who sent those texts, or if someone else did. Anything more, we'd have to get a search warrant, but since we don't know where she is, we wouldn't know where to look."
"No, it was her," Reagan said, pulling her hands away. Her expression was stone cold, and her voice was firm as she spoke. "She has a tendency to jump to conclusions at times without getting all the facts first."
Dt. Outteridge adjusted the police badge on his coat. "Would you like to come into one of the interrogation rooms with me? We can talk more about this in a more private place."
Father and daughter nodded as they followed Dt. Outteridge into a clean, empty room with walls made of titanium. There wasn't much in there except for a titanium table, three chairs, and a big, rectangular window. Dt. Outteridge sat across from them and folded his hands as he watched them get comfortable.
"Do you know where your wife is right now, sir?" The blonde detective asked.
Slowly, Todd shook his head. "No. I've been calling her for over half an hour and she just won't respond. Lately she's been going out more and more often, and not always to join in search parties," He said.
"Based on the context implied in the texts, I take it Mary and her mother have had…issues?" Dr. Outteridge inquired.
Reagan clenched her fist. "Mom's the one with the issues."
Before she could speak further, Todd gently interrupted her. "I'll handle this, Reagan," He told her before turning to face the detective. "The thing is, Dana has always struggled to accept Mary as being autistic."
Todd went on to tell him some of the more recent conflicts that had sprung up between Mary and Dana, along with some from the past, from the meeting with Mr. Bryant to the Barnes and Noble incident. Detective Outteridge wrote everything down in a notepad as he listened, but asked questions when necessary.
"Supposedly, Mary mentions something about a blog that Dana created," Detective Outteridge said. "Have you ever seen this blog before?"
The duo shook their heads. "No. This is the first we've heard of it," Reagan chimed in. "But Mary said she saw it. I'm definitely gonna look it up when we get home."
Without another word, Dt. Outteridge handed Reagan's cell phone back to her. "What does Dana think happened to Mary?"
Todd ran a hand through his hair again, hanging his head down, facing the steely table. "She's convinced Mary got kidnapped, even though you said there was no sign of forced entry."
The door flung open, and a police officer poked his head into the room. "Detective? Dana Summers just arrived," He told him.
All three of them stood up, walked out of the interrogation room, and into the lobby. Dana stood at the entrance, hunched over, panting and gasping for air like she had run a marathon. Her scrunchie was close to falling off the side plait that hung over her face.
"Dana!" Todd ran over to her, eyebrows furrowed with concern. "You made it!"
"Sorry! My GPS…had me…driving all over…the place…couldn't…find the station," One word crashed into the other as Dana tried to catch her breath. Finally, she managed to get a hold of herself.
On the other hand, Reagan narrowed her eyes into fierce slits. "Where were you?!" She exclaimed angrily. "Dad's been trying to contact you for half an hour!"
Dana fired a glare back at her before answering. "I went to visit a friend, that's all."
Neither Todd or Reagan bought that explanation for an instant. But they had no chance to press her further, as Detective Outteridge approached her. "Thank you for coming, Mrs. Summers."
"What's this about? Todd said something about you guys finding a lead on Mary's disappearance," Dana immediately fired a question at him, and her tone was leaning heavily towards exasperated.
"There is a potential new lead we're exploring. But I'd like to ask you some questions so I can get some clarification on things," Dt. Outteridge explained.
Dana held her purse close to her chest, her whole body straightening and turning rigid. She looked over at Todd with furrowed eyebrows, like she felt like she was being scrutinized. She then turned back to Detective Outteridge. "Will this take long?"
"Unfortunately, yes. I'd like to speak with you alone, if it's at all possible," He told her.
Ice ran through Todd's veins. Did he plan on interrogating her? As strained as his relationship with his wife was right now, the last thing he wanted was for her to be treated like a criminal. Maybe it'd be better to stay with her. But there was also Reagan to consider. She didn't need to be here for any of this, not when she was already going through so much. His heart began to race as he remembered the cop shows he used to watch, of interrogations lasting for hours.
"Would you like me to stay with you, Dana?" Todd asked, stammering. "I can take Reagan home and come right back—"
Dana held her hand up, cutting him off. "It's alright, Todd. You and Reagan head back without me. I'll text you when I get out," She flashed a forced smile in his direction.
As much as Todd wanted to argue and go against her decision, he knew her enough to know her mind was set. Once she made her decision, there was no changing her mind. Still, a sense of dread loomed over him, like the shadow of a large, drooping willow tree that stood out his window when he was younger, which he always thought was the grim reaper coming to take his soul.
"Alright. I'll have dinner ready for you when you get home."
Resigned to her decision, Todd escorted Reagan out of the police station, and the two of them drove back home. So many things ran through their minds, setting their hearts racing and anxiety high. But there was one question that ruled over everything.
What was this blog that Mary mentioned, and did Dana really make it?
The cell phone was heavy in Mary's hands. Even after she sent her final text to Reagan, she still felt like rocks had settled into her stomach. "You did good, Mary," Blanca told her, stroking her arm up and down with one hand.
"It doesn't feel like it," Mary muttered. But she did take some consolation in what Vic said earlier: Dana couldn't reach her on the train. Dana wasn't here to yell at her, manipulate her body, or force her to do anything she didn't want to. So if she'd ever try to text Mary to call her, Mary could just delete her texts, ignore her calls, or turn her phone off completely.
"But how come you lied about your battery dying?" Vic asked as he leaped onto Mary's knee. "I saw the battery icon, and it's at 90%."
Mary averted her gaze. "I didn't want to talk anymore," She muttered.
Vic crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes at her, frowning at her answer. On the other hand, Blanca kept her reassuring smile. "Now Vic, she told her father and sister that she's alive and safe. That's all that matters right now, and she'll talk to them again when she feels she's ready."
This was another thing Mary came to love about Blanca: Unlike Dana, who always wanted Mary to do whatever she demanded, often without taking Mary's feelings and opinions into consideration, Blanca never forced her to do or say anything she didn't want to. She let Mary take her time and respected her wishes, no matter how small and trivial they seemed. This only reaffirmed how much she wished Blanca was her mother.
Something green flashed in her peripheral vision. Mary put her cellphone down and saw that the number on her hand was changing. In a blurry flash, the number changed into a solid 92. Vic crawled up Mary's back and ran onto her arm to get a look.
"Ooh! Your number changed!" Vic exclaimed, his ears perking up at the sight. "Well, progress is progress, no matter how small."
Progress…towards what, exactly? Mary had been stuck on the train for a while, and she knew getting her number down to zero was required to get off the train. However, she couldn't help but wonder just what she needed to really do to get it down to zero. Lots of things brought her number down, but she couldn't figure out if there was some kind of overall goal she needed to reach. Even the phrase "growing as a person" still seemed vague, as it didn't specify how she needed to grow as a person, other than learning from her mistakes.
Harsh, twanging sounds pulled Mary out of her reverie. She, Vic, and Blanca looked up, seeing a white haired mannequin dressed in simple red raiment sitting in front of another tree a few feet away from them. In the mannequin's left hand was a brown, guitar-like instrument—a biwa—and she used a bachi to pluck the strings, producing music that mainly consisted of twanging noises. The three of them sat and listened to the rustic melody the mannequin played, smiling all the while, enjoying the new music echoing in the air around them. They weren't sure how long the mannequin's performance lasted, but when she stopped playing, Vic stood up.
"I think it's time we head out," Vic suggested, adjusting the green bead on his necklace as he did so.
Mary stuck her lips out in a silent pout, but flung her backpack over her back and did as he suggested. She wished she could stay here longer, as the cherry blossoms were so pretty, and it was quiet here. But it was still early in the day, and they weren't sure how big the car was. As much as Mary didn't want to leave, she knew it probably wouldn't be a good idea to stay here permanently no matter how much she wanted to. Once everyone got their belongings together, the trio walked down the dirt road, marveling once again at the billowy clouds of pink blossoms on the trees. At one point, an ornately decorated carriage pulled by two oxen passed by.
"Ooh! Look at the cows! They're so big!" Mary exclaimed.
"Technically, that's an ox, with the plural being oxen," Vic pointed out.
Satisfied with Vic correcting her, Mary continued on her way. Even in this car, where not much happened, there was still so much to see that she never knew about.
The walk towards the exit was a long one. Eventually, they made it to the exit, but when they got there, Mary's legs were heavy from fatigue. When she checked the time on her cell phone, she was shocked to find a whole hour had passed. The trio basically walked an entire hour from their original spot just to get to the exit.
"I wonder what we'll see in the next car?" Mary asked as they walked out of the car. "I hope it'll be something fun!"
"Who knows?" Blanca said. "But I will say, this journey is a lot more fun than I thought it'd be. I'm glad I decided to accompany you two."
"Same here!" Vic proclaimed from atop Mary's head. "But we don't know what the next car will be like. It could be dangerous, or it could be safe. Just be careful and stay on your toes."
Mary stood on the tips of her toes. Seeing this, Blanca gently corrected her. "He means remain cautious."
"Oh. Okay," Mary put her feet back down on the floor.
Crossing the bridge, the trio made it to the entrance to the next car. Mary decided to open it, and when she stepped inside, a wall of white greeted them. Quacking noises assailed their ears.
The whole car was…ducks. White ducks as far as the eye could see, piled up so high that they reached higher than the entrance. Vic immediately stiffened up.
"Oh no…I can't go in there," Vic stammered. "Birds eat rodents!" He immediately curled into a ball.
"We might have to if we want to get to the next car," Blanca reminded him.
So even Vic had things he was afraid of. That made sense. Rodents are prey animals, with birds being their primary predators. Then she looked down at her dress. In the middle of her chest area was a big pocket with a white flower on it. Mary smiled as a lightning bolt struck her mind. That's it! Vic could hide in there and not have to worry about being eaten.
"Vic! You can hide in my dress pocket here," Mary suggested, pulling the pocket open. It was big enough for him to fit, so it was perfect. Without hesitation, Vic raced down her head and arm, diving right into her dress pocket.
"My word. There's so many ducks I can't see past them," Blanca noted. "But we may need to go through them," She sprouted a hand, extending it towards Mary. "Hold onto me so we don't get lost. Don't let go no matter what."
Silently, Mary took Blanca's hand, and the trio walked right into the train full of ducks. Feathers, webbed feet, and duck bills surrounded them at every turn, and Mary and Blanca often had to push a bunch of ducks away just to make an open path. There was one thing Mary did notice about them: All of the ducks had crossed eyes. At one point, Mary felt something pulling on one of her braids.
"Ow! Get off me!" Mary used Mimi to smack a duck who had her bill clamped onto her braid. The first smack didn't make it release her, but two more did the trick. She had to admit, Mimi's long ears made a surprisingly good weapon.
"Ugh, this is taking forever!" Blanca groaned. "I have a better idea. Mary, we're going to go up."
Blanca waded her way through the ducks, but rather than going forward, she decided to go up. Mary followed suit, holding onto Blanca's hand the entire time. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, they managed to reach the surface. But their jaws dropped as they took in the scenery all around them. The entire car was literally nothing but millions upon millions of ducks piled onto each other, with some of them even reaching the ceiling, even though the car didn't really have a ceiling. The incessant quacking grew louder, and Mary put one hand over her left ear, as the noise began to make her eardrums throb.
"Alright, here we go!" Once Blanca found an open space, she retracted her arm and reshaped her body, turning it into a large bird. Long wings sprouted from her sides, a beak grew out from her mouth, and a tail sprouted out behind her. Vic's backpack remained on her back, and Blanca was careful to keep it linked to her.
"Oooh! Awesome!" Mary exclaimed.
"You'd best get on. We'll be able to get to the exit much faster," Blanca advised. Mary wasted no time climbing onto Blanca's back, even if it meant having to step on actual ducks to do so. Once she climbed on, Blanca flapped her wings and ascended into the air.
"Hey Vic! We're flying!" Mary told him as she slipped Mimi into Vic's backpack so she could free her arms. It helped that Vic's backpack wasn't as full as her own, so Mimi was able to fit inside.
With his ears perked up, Vic poked his head out from Mary's dress pocket. "The faster we get outta here, the happier I'll be."
A duck on one of the higher piles immediately noticed them. And Vic. "Look! Food!" The duck shouted loud enough for everyone to hear.
Just then, a huge army of ducks flew out from the pile, flying right towards the trio. Immediately knowing what they were after, Mary curled into a ball, putting both hands on her dress pocket to protect Vic. It wasn't long before she felt her braids and dress getting pulled by duck bills, and her arms getting pecked at.
"Ow! Ow! Oww!" Mary cried out with every peck. "Go away! We're not your food!" She shouted at them, but they refused to obey.
Luckily, Blanca was able to move her head backwards and smack several of the ducks away. Mary used one of her feet to kick one duck enough that it let go of her pant leg. As much as she hated the idea of kicking an animal, as she had always been taught that animal cruelty was wrong, she knew these ducks were intent on eating Vic. She was not going to let them eat her friend. But how could she defend herself against them? There were so many of them, and she was just one person.
Wait…she did have one thing she could use. Her umbrella spear! Since she had it stuck between her backpack and her back, she reached back to pull it out from behind her. Pointing it upward, she saw five ducks descending toward her, their beaks ready for eating. Mary steeled herself, knowing what she had to do. Once they got close, she thrust the spear out, but instead of stabbing them, she pushed on the shaft, and the spear expanded into a flat shield. The expansion came so quickly that the ducks flew right into it before they could stop themselves. Once they collided, the collision made them disoriented, and they fell right afterward.
"I'll hold them off from behind us, Blanca!" Mary called out. "You cover the front!"
"Yes, ma'am!" Blanca called back.
Mary knew there wasn't much she could do to really make the cross-eyed ducks leave them alone. But at least with the umbrella spear, she could hold them off to an extent. She waved her expanded umbrella spear around in all directions, sometimes thrusting it outward in an attempt to ward them off. Most of the time, it worked.
"Leave us alone! We're not your food!" She yelled with as much conviction as she could muster. But at one point, a duck with sunglasses dove right toward Mary's dress pocket, pulling on the bottom part of it.
"No!" Mary shouted. There was no way she was going to let this random duck eat her friend! With as much strength as she could, she freed one of her hands to press it down on the duck's bill. The duck was surprisingly persistent and continued to pull. Mary knew she'd have to go all out for this one. She coiled her fingers around the top of the duck's bill, lifting it just slightly before nudging the duck off of her dress with her foot. It worked, and once the duck was off, Blanca used her extended head to push the duck off of herself.
Another duck flew right into Mary's face, obscuring her vision. "Hey! Get off!"
"Hi! Can you help me find my real eyes?" The duck asked in a dopey, non-threatening manner. But at this point, Mary didn't care. She used her arm to smack the duck off her face.
"Look! I can see the top of the exit!" Blanca cried out.
Mary didn't stop to look, as she continued waving her umbrella spear to hold off any ducks that threatened to pursue them. Blanca dove towards one pile, seeing the curved top of a red door. Finally, the ducks gave up, turning around to fly away. Blanca used her wings to push away the ducks blocking the exit. Once she revealed the handle, Mary closed her spear, put it back behind her, and reached out to open it.
Finally, they were out! The door closed behind them, and once they made it out, Blanca reverted back to her original form. The duo leaned against the door, heaving and stopping to catch their breath as they did so. But they knew there was one important thing they needed to make sure of.
"Vic! Are you okay?" Mary opened her dress pocket to check on Vic. He was still in there, and he uncurled from his fetal position. The hamster poked his head out from her dress pocket. No ducks in sight.
"Physically, yes. Mentally, not really," Vic replied, his tiny body shaking as he spoke.
Now that they were out of the duck car, Vic did feel safe enough to crawl into Mary's palm. Mary could only grin and hold him to her face so she could nuzzle his fur. She saved him! She and Blanca managed to protect him! A warm glow enveloped her whole being, and Mary never felt so relieved in her whole life.
"I'm so happy you're safe," Mary whispered.
Gradually, Vic's tiny body began to relax. "Thanks. I gotta say, you were pretty brave out there. Heh, look at me. All my talk about not being afraid of anything, yet I coil at the sight of birds. Pathetic, huh?"
"It's not pathetic. It's okay to be afraid," Blanca told him reassuringly. "And Vic's right, Mary. I'm really proud of how you handled yourself out there."
Suddenly, Mary's cheeks flushed red. "Thanks, but I…I couldn't have done it all by myself, though. You helped us, too, Blanca."
Even so, the pride she felt was a familiar feeling. Something she had yearned for so many times. She felt it when she passed that math test that she wanted to show her mother, only to be met with scrutiny. Here, there was no such thing. She and Blanca protected Vic, and there was no criticism. No backhanded praise, no pointing out flaws or mistakes that weren't worth making a fuss about, no suddenly changing the subject, or phrases like "You could have handled yourself better had you done this instead" or anything similar. Blanca was completely, unapologetically proud of her, and Mary basked in it like a flower absorbing sunlight. Finally, Mary felt like she was allowed to be proud of herself. She saved her friend from being turned into duck food, and now, she was on cloud nine.
"Alright, let's just go to the next car already. Here's hoping it doesn't have any killer birds this time around," Vic grumbled.
Pride continued to swell in Mary's heart even as they crossed the bridge to the next car. For once in her life, she felt like she had done everything right in the way only she could. It wasn't perfect, but how could it be? It was like chains that had been shackling her were beginning to corrode and weaken.
In her heart, Mary wished this feeling would last forever.
As soon as Todd unlocked the door, Reagan sprinted inside, not even bothering to take her coat or shoes off as she raced into the den. Todd almost fell against the door she zipped past him, and his eyes felt like they were going to pop right out of his face. But he was able to support himself and regain his balance, saving himself from falling over.
"Reagan? Slow down!" Todd called out, but his teenage daughter paid him no heed.
Now that Dana was stuck at the police station, and she had no idea how long she'd be there, Reagan knew she had to act fast. She needed to find that blog, and the entry Mary said scared her into running away. For all she knew, the police might have asked her about it, and if Dana came home, she might delete it. This was Reagan's chance to find out for sure if what Mary said was true or not. She sat on her father's computer chair, pulled up a search engine, and typed in the name of the blog: A Mother's Fight Against Autism.
Sure enough, a blog with that name popped up within seconds, right as Todd walked into the room. Reagan clicked on it, and underneath the title was the name Dana Summers. Todd, who was looking over the top of the chair, couldn't believe what he and his daughter were seeing.
Mary had been right. Dana did have her own blog. The most recent entry, which was the first one displayed on the front page, was dated just a few days ago.
It's been a little over a week since Mary went missing. The search parties are starting to dwindle. Missing posters are still hanging everywhere. As a mother, I should be worried out of my wits, and to an extent, I am. But…for the first time in years…I actually feel relieved. It's like now that Mary's gone, I can breathe again, smile again, feel like a person again, and not like a complete, abject failure. It's like finally ripping off a leech that's been sucking your blood and eating away at your life, at your soul, at your money, at your marriage.
Earlier, one of my work colleagues invited me to have lunch with them at Cafe Amore. I hadn't been there in years. Not since Mary started ABA. I initially declined, but Todd was on my case again about the incident at the Carnegie Science Center years ago, which I really wish he doesn't keep digging up. He wouldn't shut up about it, so I stormed out. I'd rather avoid conflict, if necessary. I decided to go to lunch with them after all…and I had such a wonderful time. It felt like I had gone back to when I first got my job at the city hall, when I could actually go out, meet people, and do whatever I wanted without being scrutinized and treated like a perpetual nuisance just because I wasn't whatever people wanted me to be. I can't even remember the last time I actually went out to eat in a fancy cafe for fun. Nobody stared at me with disgusted, judgmental expressions. Nobody whispered about me, holding their hands to their mouths.
It felt like heavy chains and shackles had finally been lifted off of me.
I think it's time that I accepted that Mary may be gone for good. There's no point in dwelling on the past anymore. Nobody even knows whether she's even alive or not. I can't put my life on pause just because Mary's missing. Todd and Reagan need me right now, and I can't expend any energy on Mary when she's not even here. I want to finally be able to move on. I won't need to spend money on doctors and therapy anymore, and can use it for important things, like going out on dates with Todd, on Reagan's college plans, and replacing my old, ratty clothes with new ones.
I only wish my family would move on as well.
Reagan's jaw dropped, as did Todd's. Did Dana really write this? The revelation itself was hard enough to process, but the fact that she not only made Mary out to be some life-ruining leech, but talked about wanting to completely give up on searching for her…this was unreal.
"Dad!" Reagan exclaimed, looking right up at him with wide eyes that had shock written all over them. "Did you know about this?!"
"Of course not! I've never seen this before in my life!" Todd shot back.
Alongside his increasing shock and heartbeat, he found that past words returned to his mind. Some he had shamelessly forgotten about long before now. The voice of his wife, when he came home from work one day and asked how her day had been going. At the time, Mary was four years old. He noticed Dana was at the computer typing on some webpage. "What's that you're working on?" He had asked.
"It's nothing. Just an online journal I'm making," Dana had replied. "I thought it'd be nice to have someplace where I can put my thoughts together."
Not wanting to invade her privacy, Todd barely looked at the webpage in question, figuring this was like a diary of sorts. Having always been taught to respect someone's privacy and personal boundaries, Todd simply dropped the subject and encouraged her to keep it up if it made her happy. He never pursued it further. Only as the memory came back did dread settle in his gut. Was that the blog she had been making? How long had she been writing on it?
"How far back does it go?" Todd inquired.
Reagan clicked on the archive page, and entries went as far back as 2014. Mary would have been three years old at that time. Father and daughter looked through every blog entry possible, all of them about the same thing: Complaints about Mary. Mary being a nuisance. Mary being a burden. Mary ruining her life. Mary embarrassing or humiliating Dana in some way or another. Dana making a huge show of Mary either not meeting developmental milestones or not cooperating with ABA. Dana wishing Mary wouldn't have been born autistic. There was even one about the Barnes and Noble incident.
"Oh my God…" It was like Todd had been struck by a train. He had no idea Dana had this blog, much less thought about Mary the way she did. But one thing stood out to him about the blog entries: Dana never said a kind word about Mary even once. "This is far worse than I ever imagined. I knew your mother struggled with accepting Mary being autistic, but…I had no idea it was this bad!"
A name on an older entry stuck out to Todd. "Wait…Dr. Goldman?!" He yelped, leaning closer to read the rather short entry in question. This was dated a week before the Barnes and Noble incident.
Now that Mary's about to start middle school, I've consulted Dr. Goldman about my fears about the future. Since Todd pulled Mary out of ABA—against my wishes, mind you—I'm practically at my wit's end. He suggested I look into chelation therapy and handed me some pamphlets. I might do just that, but it'll have to wait, as I need to help Reagan with band practice.
"After all this time, she's still seeing him?!" Todd yelled.
Reagan flinched, recoiling from his yelling, but remained in the computer chair. "Who's this Dr. Goldman? His name comes up in a lot of these entries," She asked.
Todd took a minute to sigh and compose himself before speaking. "Jacob Goldman. When Mary was first diagnosed as autistic, he was one of many doctors we consulted to see if we could get some support for her," Todd began, his face contorting into a snarl as he recalled the memories of him in question. "He was the third specialist we saw and…ugh, just thinking about him makes me ill."
Bile rose in his throat, and he shook his head to push it down as he continued on. "He was a real piece of work. A mean old son of a gun."
According to Todd, when he and Dana saw Dr. Goldman for the first time, Todd immediately got a bad feeling about him. The doctor's office was in a low income, high crime area, and the facility he used wasn't in the best shape. It didn't help that Dr. Goldman always looked at them with a permanent scowl on his face, like he didn't want them here. One of the first red flags Todd saw was that his first evaluation of Mary was cursory at best. Said evaluation was extremely short, consisting only of watching her play and writing things down, barely interacting with her, and mainly just sitting at his computer looking at websites. Dr. Goldman claimed that Mary would never meet her developmental milestones, lacked empathy, and would basically drain them dry, suggesting that they put her on a sedative. Or, if not that, very strict corporal punishment whenever she engaged in stimming of any kind.
"Wait, he suggested that you…like, abuse her?" Reagan asked, hoping what her father said would make sense the second time around. It didn't.
"That was the gist of it," Todd replied, rubbing his forehead with one hand as he recalled the event in question. "He seemed to believe that the best way to deal with autistic kids was extremely harsh discipline. I flat-out told Dana he was not a good fit for Mary, but for some reason, she just latched onto his advice and insisted that I not judge him right off the bat. I didn't want to see him again, but due to some other commitments, we couldn't cancel our next appointment with him, so we wound up going."
The second session was worse than the first one, mainly for Mary. Dr. Goldman offered to do a more in-depth evaluation of Mary, but had the bright idea of holding it in a packed nursery full of crying babies. Mary didn't like being in there, and ran to the door multiple times to get out, as the noise from the babies was too much for her to handle. Every single time, Dr. Goldman forced her back into the room, refusing to let her leave. Todd saw that at one point, then-two-year-old Mary was trying to tell him she was thirsty by holding a plastic cup to him. Since she couldn't talk at that time, she used gestures to communicate, and Todd taught her that if she was thirsty, she could tell him such by bringing an empty cup over to him so he could fill it with water or milk. Mary kept shoving the cup in the doctor's line of vision, making babbling noises as she did so. After the third time, Dr. Goldman smacked the cup out of her hands and screamed at her to shut up. It was there that Mary broke down crying.
"Seriously? Poor Mary," Reagan could only stare, her eyes wide as saucers. She had no idea her sister had been through something like that.
"That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me," Todd said. "As soon as I saw that, I burst into the room, scooped her in my arms, and told him to never, ever treat her that way ever again. I basically dragged Dana out of the office and never looked back. No way was I putting Mary under his care. No way in hell."
Reagan huffed as she turned back around. "Sounds like he's totally unfit to be around kids at all. Still, why would Mom keep seeing him, though?"
"I have no clue. There's a lot of things she's kept from me…" Todd muttered, clenching his fist. Even after he told Dana they were never going to see him again, she went behind his back and continued to see Dr. Goldman. Didn't she learn anything from the horrible way he treated Mary? Or did she latch onto him and his methods, feeling like they were the best way to cure Mary of being autistic?
"Understatement of the millennium," Reagan noted, scrolling through more blog entries that made her face contort in disgust.
It was then that Reagan remembered one of Mary's texts. Look for the entry written on May 18th, 2018. Reagan scrolled through the archive and found the entry in question. With just one click, a very long post popped up.
I don't know how much longer I can do this.
I realized that every single day I live consists of dealing with Mary and trying to manage her. I have no time for myself. No time for Reagan. No time for Todd. I don't even think I can bring her out in public anymore because she'll just throw a tantrum and embarrass herself and me in front of everyone. We can't do anything as a family anymore because of her. A few days ago, there was an incident at the Carnegie Science Center. She hit another child on a field trip, and when I tried to confront her about it, she refused to accept responsibility and was defiant the entire time. She threw herself to the floor and went crazy. I had to tell one of the chaperones to leave me alone because she got it into her head that I was abusing her. Yeah, she ought to spend a day in my shoes. What does she know?
Dr. Goldman was right. Kids like Mary bring no joy to their parents' lives. She certainly hasn't brought any to mine! It's like she gets off on causing me trouble! I can't even bring myself to celebrate her birthday anymore—she just turned seven two days ago—because all I can think is 'Oh yay, another year of her using me as her personal punching bag.' How much longer do I have to keep living this thankless life? I can't even be proud of her because if I do, she'll take it as permission to run wild and probably destroy the entire house.
Every night, I have nightmares. I can't ever get a good night's sleep, and I'm pretty sure I have permanent bags under my eyes. I dream of what Mary might turn into if I can't keep her under control. I'm always scared.
Scared that she'll regress into an infantile state, to the point where she'll always be mentally a child, and I'll have to spend my entire life spoon feeding her and changing her diapers.
Scared that she'll wander off somewhere and get herself killed the second I take my eyes off her.
Scared that she'll get a gun and shoot up a school just for the fun of it, like others like her have done previously.
Scared that in the middle of the night, she'll snuff me out with a pillow.
Scared that she'll let herself be taken advantage of by some creep and wind up getting pregnant at an early age, and Dr. Goldman said kids like her can never be good parents to any kids they bear.
Every single scenario Dr. Goldman told me about runs through my brain like a broken record player, and I can't turn them off no matter what. More so after Todd pulled Mary out of ABA against my wishes. I told him doing so was a bad idea, that if Mary didn't stay in ABA, she'd run rampant! And he wonders why I kept ABA a secret from him for three years, because I knew he'd react that way and undo all the progress we did make with her! How could I be so careless as to leave the facility's business card out on the table? Can't he think about how pulling her out of ABA and catering to her every whim makes me feel? If my mother sees Mary out and about behaving the way she does, I'll never hear the end of it! It's bad enough she still hasn't forgiven me over what happened at my uncle's funeral!
I don't know what I'm going to do about Mary or her future. I can never tell what she's thinking, or if she's even thinking at all. Dr. Goldman did say all autistic kids ever think about is how they can manipulate others into letting them have their way in everything, no matter how animalistic their methods. It's certainly true for Mary. She never considers how I feel about anything, especially whenever she throws her tantrums over mindless minutia. She never thinks of the consequences of her actions. Every time she acts out, I have to bear the burden of being told that I can't discipline her no matter how hard I try, from both family members and complete strangers! Like I don't have enough to deal with as it is!
But there is one thing I can do. I can't legally make it happen until Mary turns 18, but I've been contemplating it for a while. When Mary turns eighteen, I might make plans to obtain medical power of attorney over her and arrange so that she will be sterilized. At least that will solve the problem of her getting herself pregnant, should some boy take advantage of her—and I can't imagine why they would for no other reason than that she's vulnerable and an easy target. But I don't know if I want to go through with it yet, as I have little time to even make phone calls anymore.
I might sleep on it tonight. Who knows at this point?
It was as if ice had hung suspended in the air around them before violently clattering around them like raging hail. Words had completely escaped them, and both Reagan and Todd could do nothing but blink, hoping everything in this particular entry would make sense the second time around. Or the third, the fourth, or the tenth. It didn't. Reagan's face turned red and her eyes flashed fire as she stood up from the chair so hard, she almost pushed it into her father.
"BULLSHIT!" Reagan roared. "Mary's not like that!" She screamed uncontrollably, pacing around the den, unable to keep it all in anymore. "She's seriously convinced Mary's gonna grow up to be some psycho criminal who kills people?! And she wants to make it so that she can't have babies! Aaaagh!" Reagan screamed once more, punching the wooden wall with her fist. She didn't care that the recoil made her fist throb. After the punch, she fell to her knees and cried into her trembling hands.
All Todd could do was sit on the footrest, silently taking it all in, inhaling deeply. But inside, he was a simmering volcano ready to burst. How could Dana say those things about Mary? How could she possibly view her daughter as nothing but a thorn in her side that she felt needed to be yanked out? And making plans to sterilize her, when she had absolutely no right to do so? Mary's nine years old! Mary didn't need to worry about having kids, and whether she wanted to be a parent or not, that was her decision to make, not Dana's. This was far, far worse than Todd could ever have imagined even in his wildest dreams. The blood running through his veins grew colder. If Dana was here right now, he didn't know what he'd do. He'd probably lose it.
To think this had gone on right under his nose…and he never even noticed! Todd mentally kicked himself for being so blind. Blind about a lot of things he never bothered to look into. Dana's continual consultations with Dr. Goldman, ABA, and now this. He had convinced himself that, eventually, Dana would stop fixating so much on Mary being autistic and come to accept it. Surely, she'd learn to do so at some point, right? But this was all the proof he needed. Dana was never going to accept Mary as she was. She was never going to respect Mary as a person. Respect her autonomy, her agency, or even respect her way of being. The fact that she believed that Mary would just randomly turn into a school shooter based on probably nothing—or whatever bullshit Dr. Goldman put into her head—spoke volumes about her.
"I'm so sorry, Mary…" There was no mistaking the tears now. Todd's body jolted with a sob, and his hands lowered to hide his face. Bending forward, he quietly sobbed into his rugged hands, wishing he had known about this sooner.
Their entire world had turned upside down in that moment. Everything they thought they knew and believed about Dana had been a complete and utter lie. Now, they couldn't blame Mary for running away. Not after seeing that. If Todd's own parents said things like that and he heard or saw them say so, he'd probably run the hell away as well.
Father and daughter sat in the den, crying for a long time. Finally, Reagan stood up and went back to the computer, her wet eyes gleaming with determination. "I'm archiving this."
"Why?" Todd asked, lifting his head up.
"In case Mom finds out we know about it and tries to delete it," Reagan answered, her fingers dancing across the keyboard faster than they ever did before. "I can keep it as evidence so she can't lie her way out of having made this stupid blog!"
"Reagan, don't be reckless," Todd advised. "I'll talk to her about it. I don't want you to be the one confronting her about it."
"Dad! Don't you get it?!" Reagan shot back. "Mom's been going behind our backs and lying to us for years! She's happy that Mary's gone! We can't let her get away with this!"
More tears trickled out from Reagan's eyes, blurring her glasses. Todd understood how she felt. But as horrifying as this revelation was, he knew simply getting angry and confronting her about the blog wasn't going to solve anything. Not when they were both so riled up. Plus, there was still so much they needed to confirm. Besides, Reagan didn't need this. She was just a kid. She needed to worry about school, band practice, and her own life, not getting dragged into her parents' personal issues. Todd wrapped both arms around his daughter, pulling her close and letting her cry into his chest.
"I know, and I promise you, I won't let her," Todd whispered. "But this is between your mother and I. You don't need to get dragged into our issues. All you need to worry about is school and band practice. You've done all you can."
"No I haven't!" Reagan cried, her sobs wracking her shuddering body. "Mary's gone…and Mom isn't even…!"
The two of them cried together this time. They didn't know for how long, but a vibrating sensation in Todd's pants pocket pulled him out of his sorrow. He pulled out his cellphone and saw a text bubble notification. It was a text from Dana.
Going to be late coming home. Stuck in traffic near the Squirrel Hill tunnel. Bad accident just happened. Don't know when I'll get out.
As much as he appreciated Dana letting him know she was okay and going to be late, he wanted to just throw the phone at the wall. When she got home, he was going to have words for her. Everything that he learned about was absolutely unacceptable. The lying, going behind his back, all that she put Mary through, and the blog.
"...Oliver thought Mom had something to do with her disappearance," Reagan muttered.
"Hm?"
"The other day, Oliver and I were passing out missing person's posters," Reagan spoke louder, her fingers tapping keys on the keyboard as she proceeded to archive her mother's blog. "At one point, he wondered if Mom was somehow involved in Mary going missing. I told him that wasn't true. But…I think he turned out to be right."
So even Reagan's boyfriend suspected something was up. This was all too much to take in. There was so much to think about. But for right now, the most important thing was to calm down and get a handle on things.
"You'd best get your homework done, Reagan. I'll heat up dinner," Todd told her, forcing a sad smile.
With a sniff, Reagan wiped her eyes and stood up. "I'm still archiving the website, though. You might as well use it as evidence when you get around to confronting her about it," She said before leaving the den.
As much as Todd didn't want her to get involved in this, Reagan did make a valid point. The blog told him and Reagan so much about Dana's actions, and now that they knew of its existence, suddenly everything made a lot more sense. If Dana had been lying about her blog and everything else at this point, what else had she been lying about? Todd didn't know what to believe anymore.
But he did know one thing for sure: He needed to make this right. For Mary's sake.
A/N: Remember how I said this chapter was going to highlight one of Mary's personality flaws that she'd have to face? Well, I wound up having to change plans. I was originally going to have the train section of this chapter be a lot longer, but the real world parts wound up being way bigger than I thought they'd be, and I didn't want to drag out the chapter longer than necessary. So I decided to move the idea I had for this chapter onto the next one. Sorry about that!