Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Saga. I own twitchy fingers that enjoy writing for no profit.

Chapter 5: Bruises and Band-Aids

After lunch, Charlie and I headed back along the beach towards the tide pools. It had taken quite a bit, but I'd not only managed to talk him out if more fishing, but I'd even managed to get him to leave his fishing gear behind at the diner. We'd run into a friend of his, Harry Clearwater, and after a bit of fast talking from me, Charlie had asked him to keep the gear in his truck til we came by to collect it at Billy Black's later on.
We headed back off down the beach towards the tide pools I had loved so much as a child, talking together about the various trips we had made down there on my summer visits.
"So, Dad, are we going to stop in and catch up with Billy and Jacob when we grab your fishing gear?" I asked Charlie, wondering how much strain I'd put on his and Billy's friendship during my auto pilot phase. "It fine if you want to. I know you've probably not spent much time with him for the last few months, so it might be good for you two to have a proper catch up. I ca hang out with Jacob like in the old days, but without the mud pies." I suggested with a little half grin at the memory. Part of me was wondering if I might be able to gently pry a little more information of the Quileute legends out of Jacob, hopefully without Billy noticing; I hadn't forgotten that Billy had made it clear he knew exactly what the Cullens were, and had strongly disapproved of me having anything to do with them. The last thing I needed was to have him overhear me digging into another are of the supernatural.
Charlie gave me an appraising look.
"Well I don't know, Bells. You sure you're ready for that? I don't want you to push yourself too hard. We can take things as slow as you'd like, kiddo." He gently squeezed my shoulder, getting me to turn and look at him.
"It's fine, Dad. Really." I assured him. "I'm not saying I'm suddenly all better. Hell I'm pretty sure I'll still be having the nightmares for a while yet, and I'm definitely not ready to even think about certain things, let alone talk about them. But I can handle a bit of time with Billy and Jacob. Just as long as they aren't badgering me about stuff. We should go say hello. Maybe stay for a bit while you and Billy catch up. Maybe it'll help me to have a little extra company, and Jacob's a good kid. He always used to make me smile. I'll be fine." He silently and steadily gazed into my face for a moment. I'm not sure what he was looking for there, but apparently he found it, because he finally nodded.
"Ok then, kid. If you think you'll be fine, we'll give it a try." His face turned very firm. "But if you start to feel overwhelmed, you need to let me know straight away, and we'll head straight home. No need to push yourself too hard." I nodded solemnly in agreement.
"Sure, Dad. No problem." I said, and we carried on walking down to the tide pools.
We spent a good couple of hours there, stepping from rock to rock and peering into the water, through the drifts of seaweed to the bottom, pointing out crabs and tiny fish to each other. I fell down so many times I lost count, and each and every time was accompanied by Charlie struggling to hold in his snorts of laughter once he'd checked I was uninjured. Three band-aids, a hole in my jeans, a fresh crop of bruises on my ass, and several total soakings later, we noticed the tide getting close and called it a day, heading back along the beach, past the diner, my new overturned tree sheltering spot, and onwards to the truck where we had left it in the parking lot.
"You still sure about going to Billy's?" Charlie checked. "Cos I can always collect my fishing gear from Harry tomorrow instead, and we could just head home for piazza, a shower and bed, if you're not sure." I shook my head.
"No really, Dad, it's fine. Although maybe I'll ask Jacob if I can raid his closet for some dry, warm clothes of the non-ripped variety" I joked, tugging at my cold wet jeans. I always hated wet denim, the way it clung to my skin and chafed was unbelievably uncomfortable.
"Ok then, kiddo. Let's do it then." He said, going round to the driver's side and pulling out my keys to unlock the truck.
"Hey, Chief!" A deep voice called out from behind us on the path, and we both turned to see who was coming. The owner of the voice was a tall, a very tall Quileute man with cropped hair and a bare chest, wearing just shorts. Not even any shoes. "Jeeze, he must be mad, it's so cold today and he's out wandering about like it's high summer in the Bahamas!" I thought to myself, although I couldn't help but be impressed by his physique. My eyes ran over his naked upper body, taking it all in. The guy had an eight pack, and incredibly well defined chest and arm muscles. "I guess with a body like that, you take any chance you can to show it off." I was aware of Charlie clearing his throat loudly.
"Hmm?" I murmured, tearing my eyes away from the guy to look at Charlie, who was rolling his eyes at me with a mixture of exasperation and amusement. "Sorry, Dad, I sort of zoned out there for a moment. Did you say something?"
Charlie's moustache twitched "Yes, Bells. I was just asking you if you remembered Sam here. Sam Uley." Charlie shifted his feet awkwardly. "He's the one who... Erm... Found you. You know that night." He said carefully.
Pain.
Burning, freezing, tearing, echoing pain.
Agony.
Nothing else existed.
As I struggled to drag in a breath with absent lungs, the edges of my vision blurred and darkened, and I was vaguely aware of Charlie and Sam shouting to me, I couldn't understand the words, but that didn't matter. Nothing did for that moment. As I felt my knees buckle under me and a strong, large, hot pair of hands grab me under my arms and swing me up into equally hot arms, I had a sharp memory of being carried from the forest and for a second I thought I was back there again, and the last few months had been a terrible, vivid dream.
"Oh shit no. Not now. She was coming back, she was doing better, damnit. Please, please no. Not again. Please Bells, please, kiddo, don't go back inside your head again. Just breathe. Come back to me. You promised. You promised you wouldn't do this to yourself again. To me again. Please, Hun. Please"

Charlie's words started to cut through my agony, and I struggled to hold on to them. To hold onto him, he was my lifeline and I grabbed hold, following his broken voice back to reality and away from the yawning pit I had been tumbling towards. He was right. I had promised, and I refused to break that promise. If I was going to have to leave him for his own safety once Victoria returned, the least I could do for him was to actually be present during the time we had left together, and not lost at the bottom of that abyss. If I had limited time left, I was going to make the most of it, for both of us. I was going to live not simply exist. With a will I didn't know I had, I snatched hold of my panicked breathing and slowly and carefully forced it back to a normal pattern. I could feel the familiar bench seat of my truck underneath my back and I squeezed the warm, but not hot, hand I now felt in my own.
"That's it, kid, come on back. Slow, even breaths. You can do it. Steady yourself, Bells. I'm right here. Not going anywhere. Take your time." Charlie's voice was steady but slightly cracked, calm laced over barely controlled panic, and I used the regret I felt over worrying him once again to push away the pain from my chest.
Opening my eyes a few moments later, I was was met not by eyes that matched mine, but a deeper, darker brown pair, underneath a strong, worry creased brow. "Who the fu... Oh yeah. Sam." I reminded myself, and I cast my own eyes about to find Charlie sitting next to me.
"It's ok. I'm ok, Dad. I'm sorry." I whispered. "It just took me by surprise and got away from me for a moment there, but it's ok now. I've got it locked back up again." That was how I visualised it in my mind. Sort of like a room with a huge pit in the floor, wanting and waiting to suck me back down if I made the wrong move. But my determination to change things had put a door on the room. Not a very strong one yet, but hopefully it would grow stronger, and I had a good, sturdy lock on the handle.
"Nothing to be sorry about, Bells. You're doing great, just stay right there for a few more minutes til you're completely ready to sit up." He said, and I nodded and went back to regulating my breathing. "Shit. Can't let that happen again. I was far too close to falling."
Within a few more minutes I was ready to sit up, and those large, hot hands were back to help me. "Thanks, Sam." I mumbled with embarrassment. "I'm sorry about that. Probably not the response you get from most girls huh?" I tried to joke, instantly regretting it and blushing bright red "Good one, Bella. Way to sound like a squealing fangirl."
The corner of Sam's mouth curled upwards a tiny bit and the furrows in his brow smoothed a little. "Not to worry, Bella. I'm not quite sure what I did to freak you out back there, but I'm really sorry. Are you going to be ok?" He asked.
"It was nothing." I replied, and at his look of shocked disbelief I added "I mean you did nothing to freak me out. I was just hit with some bad memories and they kind of ripped my breath away for a few minutes. Not your fault. "
"Ahh. Ok I understand." He said and squeezed my knee in reassurance. "Memories can be tough to fight through sometimes." I sent him a questioning glance and he waved me off with one hand. "Anyway, enough about that. Are you feeling a bit better now? I was just heading back home, but if you or the Chief need something...?" Both Charlie and I shook our heads "No, no, we're good." We both spoke at the same time, and I felt a tiny smile on my face as I glanced over at him in amusement.
"You go on, Sam." Charlie added. "Me and Bells here will just sit for a bit til we're both ready to head out of here." Sam reached across me to shake Charlie's hand.
"Ok Chief, if you're sure then." As he pulled back he seemed to sniff at me, his nostrils flaring and his brow creasing again, but it was over before I really had time to take note, so I wrote it off as my imagination. "Bye then, Bella, Chief." He nodded once at each of us. "See you about sometime." With that he turned and jogged off back down the path. "Ahh. Out jogging along the beach. I guess that explains the shorts and lack of shirt or shoes." I thought to myself absently, pulling my hair back away from my face, "Probably goes part of the way to explaining that physique too. Exercise freak I expect." I turned to face Charlie in the driver's seat. "I really am sorry about that, Dad. It just happened so quickly, I couldn't catch it before it got away from me."
"It's ok, kid." He reassured me, gently rubbing my back. "You feeling ready to drive home now?" He asked.
"Home? No, we're going to Billy's first." I reminded him.
"But I thought that after that little incident you'd rather just skip it and head back home instead." Charlie said, confused.
"No really, Dad. I'm ok now. It's all locked back up again, and besides, I really need to go into the store on the way home, and I'd rather not look like I've been rolling around in the tide pools when I go there. It'll also give me a little more time to pull myself back together before we bump into someone in the store." He nodded in agreement.
"Ok then, kiddo. I'm going to take you at your word. But the first sign you show of needing to get out of there, then we're off." He aid firmly and I gave him a tiny smile.
"Sure, Dad. No problem." He turned the key and with the familiar loud roar, my truck turned over and we headed off to the Black's place.
At Billy's house, Charlie turned to me and gave me an assessing look. "You sure?" I was a little exasperated with him for asking again, but I guessed I couldn't blame him. He'd gone from heartbroken despair, to cautious hope, to awkward emotional sharing, to slightly less cautious hope and then back to despair again, all the the space of a single day. I couldn't blame him for wanting to be careful with me so neither of us had to go through anymore for today at least. "Fuck. Has it really only been one day?" I thought with wonder. "Today has felt at least a week long. I should probably take the next few days a bit slower. No point rushing things and then having it all fall apart on me."
"Definitely sure. Lets get in there before they wonder what's up. They've got to have heard this beast pull up." I gestured vaguely at the truck with a small smile and he nodded and opened his door.
"Ok then, kiddo, lets go."

Jacob opened the door before we got there and I turned and raised my eyebrow at Charlie. He snorted and said "Yeah yeah, you were right." under his breath before he raised his voice for Jacob to hear. "Hey there, Jake. Bells and I thought we'd just stop in for a bit as we were on the Rez. It ok to come in, or are you and Billy busy?" Jacob grinned easily at us and called over his shoulder. "Dad, there's a couple of palefaces out here. Do I let them in, or shall I run them off our land?" I found myself smiling gently at his light-hearted teasing, and when I heard Billy's voice call out for us to come in, I ducked under Jacob's arm as he held the door and poked him in the ribs as I passed, making him squirm as I hit one of his ticklish spots I'd remembered from when we were kids. Suddenly I realised I'd not had to duck very much to pass under his arm and I stepped back a little in the cramped hallway to get a better look at him. "Jeeze Jake. You been standing in a bag of fertiliser every night?" I gestured to his height as he looked at me, a little confused. "They say steroids mean that the growth isn't... Well... Proportional you know. I pointed at his junk, blushing a bit as I made the innuendo, regretting mentioning his "little Jacob"almost immediately. The outright laugh I heard from behind me changed my mind immediately. If I could make Charlie laugh like that, when I knew damn well he hadn't had a true moment of joy for the last few months, it was worth stepping out of my usual reserved character once in a while if that was the result. Noting Jacob's blushing cheeks at my jibe and Charlie's laugh, I stepped into the living room where I found Billy staring at me in astonishment.

"Bella?" He said, his eyes wide as he took in the small smile on my blushing face and the grin on Charlie's. "Hey there kid. How you doing?"
I looked down to my purple DMs, embarrassed now, and not sure quite how to answer. "Fine" would be a lie "Trying to dig myself out of my selfish self destruction" while true, sounded far too melodramatic.
"I'm... Working on it, but yeah, a little better." I settled with that, and, relieved at his understanding nod, I crossed the room and went to sit on the couch.
"Umm Bells, I wouldn't do that. Unless you want Billy bitching about water stains on his furniture" Charlie warned me, reminding me in perhaps the most embarrassing way possible that my ass was filthy and soaked. Jacob burst out laughing, and the blush that had just sprung up at Charlie's words grew steadily deeper.
"Had an accident, Bells?" Jacob taunted me. "Thought that you were too old for that." I scowled at him and narrowing my eyes, replied with as much dignity as I could muster "No, Baby Jake, I did not. I just fell down at the tide pools. A few times." Not even my use of his old hated nickname could prevent Jacob's roar of laughter, and as it was joined by Billy's and Charlie's, I gave up my tenuous hold on my dignity, and rolled my eyes. "Fine. Laugh at the clumsy girl, why don't you all? While you're trying to get yourself under control, may I borrow a pair of sweat pants or something, please? I'm freezing over here." Still laughing, Jacob nodded and led the way to his room, where he grabbed a pair of sweats from his closet and handed them to me. He wandered back off to the living room, still chuckling away at my expense, and I closed to door behind him and began the tricky task of unlacing my wet boots, and peeling the wet denim off my freezing body. Once I'd finally got myself into the sweats, rolled them up at the waist and the ankles, so I didn't trip over them as I walked, and snagged myself a pair of dry socks from Jacobs dresser, I quietly opened the door and padded, boots in hand, down the hall to the living room.

The voices stopped me just as I was about to enter the room however. They clearly hadn't heard me coming back, and were talking about me in hushed tones.
"I don't know what to tell you, Billy." I heard Charlie murmur. "We had a bit of a breakthrough early this morning, and she seems to have found a last reserve of strength to start pulling herself back together. It's not going to be a miracle sudden cure or anything, we've already had a couple of 'wobbly moments'" I didn't even need to see Charlie to know that he had just used giant air quotes around that phrase "but she's found some determination from somewhere, and I think she's finally on the mend." I heard Billy's wheelchair creak as he moved, and I peeked through the crack of the door to see what he was doing. He'd rolled himself a bit closer to Charlie and was gripping his shoulder firmly.
"So glad to hear that, my old friend. We've all been worried about her, and also about you. And that was without having seen her. Jeeze, Charlie, she's all skin and bones and I thought she was pale before, but now? Hell, she's almost transparent." Charlie nodded helplessly.
"She's only been eating when I pretty much force it on her, and I think she's only getting an hour or two's urn disturbed sleep every night. Also, I've been struggling to get her in the shower at all unless I lead her there, and hold her up and wash her myself. Talk about awkward. If it hadn't been so heart breaking, I'd have laughed at myself having to deal with that!" He admitted in a broken voice, adding, when Jacob and Billy gave an appalled gasp, "But today she not only voluntarily showered by herself and washed her hair, but she cooked breakfast, ate a smallish portion with me, suggested a walk on the beach, talked a few things over with me, ate a pretty decent sized burger for lunch, and suggested we come visit you." Charlie's voice was such a mixture of astonishment, awe, hope and pride, that my eyes welled up again and I had to swallow the lump in my throat. My hard day was worth it to hear that in his voice. Even if I hadn't already been determined to keep pulling myself out of my pit, that would have settled any doubts.
"That fucking Cullen really screwed her up. It's just as well he's gone or I'd have been tempted to go set fire to the leech after seeing her looking so broken." Billy's voice was filled with hate and fury, but I was far too busy gritting my teeth against the ripping agony in my empty chest to worry about how he had just said a bit too much in the heat of the moment. I wrapped one arm around myself and firmly pressed the other hand against my mouth to prevent myself from making a sound and giving away my position behind the door.
"Leech?" I heard Charlie and Jacob say together, and I fought my laboured breathing back to normal so I could hear Billy's reply.
"Err yeah...you know... Cos he kinda sucked the life right out of her when he went?" Billy was quick, I'd give him that. It looked like he'd dodged a bullet with that fast explanation, as both Charlie and Jacob both nodded in slightly bemused understanding.
"Anyway, both of you, while she's getting changed, I need to give you a heads up." Charlie said quietly. "Don't go questioning her. Just let her give as much as she feels ready to for now. Don't bring up any memories, and whatever you do, for fuck's sake, don't say His or Their names where she can hear you. It causes her actual physical pain, and throws her back into that zombie mindset again. Hell all it took was me stupidly mentioning the night she got lost when we bumped into Sam Uley earlier, and she grabbed at her chest and collapsed fighting for breath and passed out for a few minutes. Just don't make that same mistake, please" Billy's and Jacob's murmured assent came almost over the top of Charlie's last few words, though I did think I'd heard a snort from Jacob at Sam's name. Jacob was suddenly struck by a thought, it seemed, as he added
"Well if Bells is making a bit of progress, maybe I can help by getting her over here where it's quiet and there's no one about to gawk at her, and we can just hang, or talk if she feels like it?"
I felt the corner of my mouth lift a little, Jacob always was a good kid when we were little; always worried about other people's feelings, and it seemed that however tall he grew, he wasn't growing out of his kind nature.
"Yeah, that might be good, Jake. How about you ask her when she come back in." He paused. "Come to think of it, she's taking a hell of a long time. You wanna go check she's not fallen own trying to get her boots off?" Hearing this, I quickly but quietly padded away from the door, jamming my hip into a sideboard in the narrow hall.
"Ow! Shit!" I cried out, rubbing my hip as I saw Jacobs head peer around the door. Apparently I'd managed to get far enough away from the door to allay suspicion, as all I got from him was a snort of laughter, and an "Alright there, clumsy girl?" from the massively tall teenager.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." I grumbled, still rubbing my hip as I limped slightly on my way back to the living room.

We ended up staying for pizza and while Billy and Charlie chatted together as they watched some ball game on tv, Jacob and I played a few hands of poker for bottle caps, stopping every once in a while for me to redistribute the pile of caps I'd won off him.
"I'll never know how you manage to bluff so well at poker when you blush like a tomato if you try lying any other time." Jacob grumbled at me as I once again took the pot, scraping the bottle caps towards myself.
"It's not real lying, that's why." I told him. "I've always looked as bluffing as part o the rules, so I know I'm not doing anything wrong, so the blush stays away." I shrugged and began sharing he bottle caps back out again.
"Well I'm going to arrange a poker night with my friends Quil and Embry in the next few days, and you should totally come. It'd be fun watching you fleece someone else for a change. I noticed our dads tensing a little as they awaited my response - seems they weren't quite as oblivious to us as I'd thought. "Sneaky, sneaky."
"Well ok then." I said, hoping I was making a good decision. "But on three conditions." I added "One: Make it a week's time, so I'm feeling and looking a bit better. Two: We play for pennies and dimes only. And three:" I gave him a small, evil grin. "Don't warn them!" Jacob gave a loud chuckle and he rubbed his hands together in anticipation.

"Conditions accepted." He said with a grin. "Poor guys won't know what hit 'em!" The dads joined in the laughter and we started wrapping things up, it was getting late and Charlie and I were both feeling physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. Charlie grabbed his fishing gear which Harry Clearwater had dropped off for him at the Blacks' house, and chucked it onto the truck bed, we said our goodbyes, and we headed off back home after our long day.

I'd taken my first few steps up the ladder from my pit, and despite the roller coaster the day had proven to be, I felt like I could keep taking some more steps. Maybe taking it a little slower, but never stopping or going backwards from now on.
Once we got back home, I tiredly dragged myself upstairs, giving Charlie an unaccustomed kiss on the cheek on the spur of the moment before I headed up, and pleased I'd done it when I saw the flustered but pleased look on his face.
"Night, Dad. Sleep well" I garbled through a huge yawn.
"You too, Bells" he replied.
"Huh yeah. We'll see" I thought as I closed my bedroom door and changed into a pair of scruffy but warm flannel pyjamas. "Time to find out if I've finally settled my unconscious and can actually get some proper sleep." I wasn't going to waste my time hoping I wouldn't be having the 'alone in the forest' dream, but I was hoping that my working through the dreams earlier would make the other dreams ease up on me a little. "Hmmm though there is that one scene I wouldn't mind so much" was the last thing I remembered thinking before my head hit the pillow and, exhausted, I fell straight to sleep.