Ok so it was time to attempt a spov chapter, and where all the previous chapters typed themselves almost, I had to force this one out with a crowbar. I hope it doesn't read that way though; you'll have to let me know what you think. Thanks to everyone who's been kind enough to review. Keep the coming! ;0)
Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Saga. I own twitchy fingers that enjoy writing for no profit.
Chapter 6: How it Was, and How it Is
Sam POV.
It was just a couple of months before my eighteenth birthday that my life changed so dramatically that I could now barely recognise any similarities with my life before.
I'd never really been a typical teenager; having had to step up to fill my dad's shoes when he walked out twelve years ago made me an adult before my time. Taking on odd jobs whenever I could to help my mom make ends meet meant that I never really had the chance to socialise with kids my own age outside school, but I never minded too much. My mom and I were all each other had, and that was more important to me than whatever childish shit my schoolmates were getting up to after class. When Leah and I started dating, in our sophomore year, I couldn't help but worry that adding her into our lives would tip things off balance, but as it turned out, she fit seamlessly into our little family, even helping out around the house on occasion, and my mom loved her nearly a much as I did. Which was a big part of why Mom wasn't speaking to me right now, and hadn't done for nearly two years now.
She believed I had completely gone off the rails and was now on a mission to follow in Joshua, my father's footprints. I couldn't really blame her; I wasn't allowed to tell her any different, and the evidence of me disappearing for two weeks with no explanation, and then not long after my return, breaking up with Leah for no apparent reason, compounded by my constant leaving the house at all hours without telling her why or what I was doing was compelling.
The truth of the matter, which I was forbidden from telling anyone, even my own mother, was that thanks to the nice family of vampires that had moved into the area about six months before, I was now a werewolf.
The first time I phased into my wolf form, I didn't have the first idea what was happening to me. One moment I was my usual self, though angry as hell about a stupid kid in my class who I'd heard making comments about my dad earlier that day, so I went out back to chop some wood to try to burn off the anger. But my mind kept running the kid's comments over and over, making me more and more angry as I chopped, the next moment I felt like I was shaking apart, my muscle felt like they were vibrating themselves into a puddle and then I just... Exploded. I felt all my bones breaking and shifting, my joints dislocating, there was excruciating pain and then I fell still. I went to call out to my mom, to get her to call an ambulance, but all that came out was an animalistic whining and growling. Turning my head to see what had made the noise, I caught sight of my own body, but it wasn't me, I was a wolf.
I did what any sane person would do. I freaked the fuck out. It was lucky I was outside, because I through myself around a fair bit, trying to, I don't know, maybe shake myself out of my delusion? Maybe. But of course that didn't work. Terrified, and convinced I'd has some kind of psychotic break or something, I tore off into the forest as fast as I could, and holy shit was I fast! Seeing the world blur around me as I ran did nothing to convince me I hadn't gone insane or that I wasn't suffering from some hallucination, in fact the thought ran through my head that maybe someone had fed me something spiked with LSD or peyote, and I must have run for miles in my panic. At the time I didn't know how much time was passing as I ran about in my madness, completely terrified of what had happened to me and more and more firmly convinced as time went by that I was completely barking (pardon the pun) mad. I later learned that I was gone for about two weeks. Two weeks of running wild in the forest, eating what I could catch, drinking from dirty puddles, and slinking about outside the Rez, trying to catch the odd glimpse of my mom or Leah, sure in my heart that I could never return to them as I was either a total nut job who thought he was a werewolf, and so was too dangerous to be around those I loved, or I actually was a werewolf, and so was too dangerous to be around those I loved.
Eventually I was exhausted enough to catch more than a fleeting nap, and in my sleep I phased back. I stumbled for hours though the forest, naked and filthy, and starving hungry, until I got close enough to my own house to risk making a run across the open ground and in through my back door. When my mom came back home a couple of hours to find me showered and dressed, and steadily eating my way though the entire contents of the kitchen, she was so relieved to see me that she didn't ask that evening where I'd been. But that didn't stop her in the morning. My shrugs and muttered evasions made her angry and worried but what was I supposed to tell her? "Oh yeah, Mom. I just went totally bat shit crazy for a couple of weeks and I've been living out in the forest alone, eating squirrels - and one time a whole deer - raw, cos I thought I was a giant wolf"? Just no. So I just kept it to myself and let her believe I'd been up to no good somewhere. It broke my heart to see her worried and disappointed in me -it still does now- but the truth would've been worse, so I just stuck it out.
Leah was just as bad. She'd been just as worried while I was gone, and was just as angry and confused as Mom when I refused to say where I'd been, and for the first time our relationship was under a real strain, she didn't feel she could trust me anymore, and I was so scared I'd have another mental breakdown that I didn't trust me anymore either, so the tension just built. It wasn't until nearly a week later, by which time my refusal to explain my disappearance had driven an angry wedge between me and Mom, and Leah and I were on seriously shaky ground, that I finally got an answer for what had happened to me. Old Quil had come by to talk to my mom about something and as he came in the house I casually shook his hand. The moment his hand clasped mine, his eyes widened in shock and his grip on my hand firmed as he stared at me in astonishment. It took him a moment to recover his wits, and he made a stuttering excuse to Mom about how he'd just remembered something he needed to go do, and he shot out of our house like someone had lit his ass on fire. Later that evening, I got a call from Billy Black, asking me to go down to the council hall and do a couple of odd jobs, so I headed down there and Billy, Old Quil, and Harry Clearwater were there waiting for me. I'll never forget the feeling of astonished relief that came over me when Billy began the conversation with "So just what colour wolf are you, Sam?"
Over the next couple of hours they explained to me just what had happened to me, explained the old legends and how they were all true, and also that I couldn't tell anyone about it. I think I must've gone through every emotion in the book that evening; relief that I wasn't in fact insane, fear that I would hurt someone, anger that my hopes and dreams were now just so much shit down the sewer as I was stuck here on the Rez forever, pride that I was now basically the new Chief of the tribe, and despair that despite knowing all this, I still couldn't set my mom's or Leah's worries and frustrations to rest.
It was the very next day that I went, broken hearted, to the Clearwater's and broke up with the girl I loved so much, hurting her and myself in the process, and causing my mom to think I was heading down the same track that Joshua had done years ago. The bitter irony of it was that I had split with Leah precisely because I didn't want to follow in Joshua's footsteps. The Elders had told me there was a chance that I would imprint on another woman; meaning I would instantly care infinitely more for that woman, despite any previous ties I might have, and even if it was as rare as the Elders insisted, I couldn't bear the thought of maybe starting a family with Leah, and then years down the line having to walk out on her and my kids because I'd bumped into my soulmate in the dairy aisle at Walmart.
So here I am. No girlfriend, Mom not talking to me, living alone in a house the council gave me. I'm not alone in the wolf thing anymore. I'm not sure whether I'm more relieved at not being alone, or horrified that others have to suffer the same fate as me, but I guess it's pointless to feel either way. It is what it is, and we are what we are. About six months ago Jared phased for the first time, followed just six weeks later by Paul. So now we are three. But looking at the way a couple of guys on the Rez are suddenly shooting up, I'm guessing that we won't be just three for much longer. I hope I'm wrong - not only would I not wish this cursed life on anyone else, but the last thing I want is to be responsible for more traumatised teenaged boys - I don't think I am wrong though. It doesn't matter that the Cullen leeches have left the building; it's too late. The fever has set in, the changes have begun, and once they do, there's no stopping it. I know the signs, and also I can actually feel them getting ready to join us. I guess it's an Alpha thing. Yeah. There's the ultimate punch line to all this; my mom and ex-girlfriend, along with most of the tribe think I'm this irresponsible, dangerous, bad boy gang leader, when in actual fact I'm responsible for the safety and well being of the entire tribe, including a pair of troubled teenage boys/men/wolves with anger management issues. And I'm only twenty years old for fuck's sake. Twenty today actually. Happy fucking birthday to me.
Feeling sorry for myself today, my third birthday with nobody to make note of it, the pack not even knowing, and my mom not talking to me, I sent the guys out on patrol without me and, after i spent the morning catching up on a little much needed sleep, I took the chance for a little solitude on the beach. The weather's too cold and windy for tourists, and it's a week day, so I had a good chance of having the entire beach to myself. I headed out at at a slow (for me) jog, towards the cliffs, and had been out for just over an hour when I caught a really enticing scent. Casting my eyes about, I spotted, about a half a mile up-wind of me, what looked like Chief Swan and a small female. "Must be his daughter" I reasoned. "I thought Billy had said she'd turned into a total lock-in." In fact the way Billy had made it sound, the girl had become a complete basket case. Catatonic and unresponsive pretty much all the time. Screaming through the night from her nightmares, and an automaton during the day at school, work, and home. I could easily believe it.
The night I had gone out with Jared, and a newly phased Paul to search for her after her copper haired leech boyfriend had abandoned her in the forest, I'd never seen a more pathetic sight. It still haunted my dreams. Not her physical appearance; apart from being filthy and soaked to the skin, she looked fine. But her eyes. God her eyes! They were just... Empty. Her empty, dead eyes and her endless litany of "he's gone, he's gone, he's gone" have woken me up from a deep sleep on more than one occasion. When we'd headed out in search for her at Billy's request, I was completely in sympathy with Paul's muttered complaints about the leech lover bringing any troubles she had on herself. But once I'd found her, and seen those eyes... Well. I could tell that the leech hadn't sucked her blood, but damn me if it didn't look exactly like he'd sucked her soul out instead. Almost as troubling was her reaction when someone mentioned the leech's name. You could almost feel the pain ripping through her. She was in agony, not only emotionally but physically. So yeah. I could easily believe Billy's second hand descriptions of how she'd been for the last few months.
I caught up to them just as they reached an ancient truck, and called out to the Chief; he'd asked me the week before if I had time to come do a few repairs around his place, so I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone. Save myself a phone call by arranging a visit to look over the work now, in person, and find the source of that amazing scent. I knew it wasn't the Chief - I'd spent enough time with him since I phased to be able to recognise his scent quite easily, so I guessed it must be Bella. The last time I'd seen her, she'd reeked of the leech family, their over sweet, bleach stink masked her own scent almost completely. But now, even overlaid by her father's scent, her own wonderful scent shone through, drawing me in.
The Chief and Bella both turned when I called and he raised a hand in greeting as I approached them. "Holy crap. The state of her! She's more than half way dead!" I was horrified at how Bella looked. Her skin was dry and so pale I could easily see the veins on her hands and face, she didn't just have bags under her eyes, it was a whole matched set of blackish purple luggage, and she was so thin! "Fuck me. If she weighs as much as a hundred pounds, I'll eat Paul's shorts." At about 5'4" it made her look positively skeletal. No wonder her dad had been tearing his hair out over her. What had she done to herself? She watched me as I approached and I was at least relieved to see that her eyes weren't that empty void I'd seen there before. She looked a little glazed over for some reason, but it seemed more due to distraction than anything else. When I reached them, the Chief shook my hand and I asked him
"Hey, Chief, how's it going? Is it ok if I come by tomorrow to check out what you need doing round your place?"
"Hi, Sam. Yeah that'd be good. Any time is fine, I've got the day off, and Bells and I were just planning on hanging out together for a lot of it." He turned to Bella. "Kiddo, that's ok with you, right?" He got no reply; she still seemed deep in thought about something, her glazed eyes staring straight through my stomach and chest. "Bells? You remember Sam? Sam Uley?" Still no response, so he cleared his throat loudly to get her attention. That seemed to jog her out of her fog a little.
"Hmm?" She murmured, finally turning to look at the Chief, who was rolling his eyes at her with amusement. "Sorry, Dad, I sort of zoned out there for a moment. Did you say something?"
The Chief's moustache did a kind of twitchy thing. Either from annoyance or cos he was smiling - I don't know which.
"Yes, Bells. I was just asking you if you remembered Sam here. Sam Uley." He shifted his feet awkwardly. "He's the one who... Erm... Found you. You know that night." He said carefully.
She seemed to totally collapse in on herself.
The look on her face was one of complete agony, and she suddenly seemed incapable of drawing breath.
"BELLA" The Chief and I both yelled to her at the same time.
"Are you ok? Can you hear me?" I asked. She looked like she was going to pass out, so I ran forwards to catch her as the Chief continued shouting her name and telling her to just breathe.
I got to her just in time to catch her under the arms as her knees gave way. As I swung her up into my arms and turned to place her on the bench seat of her truck, I absently noticed the smell of blood pooling under her skin. She'd bruised herself quite badly somewhere. Her beautiful scent made me want to run my nose over her, to find the bruises by scent, though when I noticed the bruise smell was coming from her ass I was glad I hadn't given in to the instinct. "Yeah, awesome move that would've been, Sam. Sniffing her butt, would've totally looked 100% human. And in front of her dad too." I laid her down in her truck, trying to block out the desolation I could now hear in the Chief's voice.
"Oh shit no. Not now. She was coming back, she was doing better, damnit. Please, please no. Not again. Please Bells, please, kiddo, don't go back inside your head again. Just breathe. Come back to me. You promised. You promised you wouldn't do this to yourself again. To me again. Please, Hun. Please" He seemed to be getting through, and I was relieved; hearing this was just heartbreaking. Her panicked breathing was slowly returning to a normal pattern, and I saw her hand move a tiny bit as she squeezed his.
"That's it, kid, come on back. Slow, even breaths. You can do it. Steady yourself, Bells. I'm right here. Not going anywhere. Take your time." The Chief's voice was cracking a little, though he was clearly trying to hold it steady, and she seemed to latch onto it like it was all that was pulling her back from wherever she had just been. She lay there for a couple of minutes. Eyes still shut, and concentrating hard on her breathing, it seemed. Then slowly her eyes opened and met mine. They were full of confusion for a moment, then I saw recognition as she realised who I was, and she turned a little to see the Chief who had run around to the driver's side door and climbed in the truck to sit next to her.
"It's ok. I'm ok, Dad. I'm sorry." She whispered. "It just took me by surprise and got away from me for a moment there, but it's ok now. I've got it locked back up again."
I was baffled. "What's she on about?" I wondered. "What took her by surprise and got away from her? It's like she thinks about her panic like its a living thing. An animal to control. Huh. A bit like how I think about my wolf, when the anger's running high and trying to burst out of me in wolf form."
"Nothing to be sorry about, Bells. You're doing great, just stay right there for a few more minutes til you're completely ready to sit up." The Chief said, and she nodded, still concentrating on her breathing as far as I could tell.
"Thanks, Sam." She mumbled with embarrassment. "I'm sorry about that. Probably not the response you get from most girls huh?" She joked, and I had to smile a bit at that. "Brave girl." I approved silently. "Trying to ease the load on her dad by breaking the tension a little."
"Not to worry, Bella." I reassured her. "I'm not quite sure what I did to freak you out back there, but I'm really sorry. Are you going to be ok?"
"It was nothing." She replied, and my disbelief at that must've been easily read, because she quickly added "I mean you did nothing to freak me out. I was just hit with some bad memories and they kind of ripped my breath away for a few minutes. Not your fault."
Now that I could easily understand. I was frequently bothered by my memories of my first phase; the terror and confusion was still very real to me when my mind went back there, and I could set my heart pounding even now.
"Ahh. Ok I understand." I squeezed her knee. "Memories can be tough to fight through sometimes." She looked at me, clearly wanting me to explain what I meant. But I couldn't explain, even if I thought for a second she'd believe me, so I waved her off with one hand. "Anyway, enough about that." I said, quickly changing the subject. "Are you feeling a bit better now? I was just heading back home, but if you or the Chief need something...?"
"No, no, we're good." They both spoke at the same time, and I was impressed again with her resilience as a tiny smile curled around the edges of her mouth when she glanced over at him in amusement.
"You go on, Sam." The Chief added. "Me and Bells here will just sit for a bit til we're both ready to head out of here." I took a last chance to get a whiff of Bella's enticing scent as I reached across her to shake the Chief's hand.
"Ok Chief, if you're sure then." I drew in one last sniff as I pulled back, and I could almost feel my wolf wagging his tail with delight. "Why the fuck is my wolf so pleased with that? It's not like she's my imprint; I've looked her in the eyes two or three times since I phased and nothing happened at all. Weird." I thought to myself, quickly moving back before she could notice me sniffing at her. "Bye then, Bella, Chief." I gave them each a nod. "See you about sometime." And I turned and jogged back down the path. "I certainly hope we do see her about again." Now that was disconcerting; I had no idea if I'd thought that, or my wolf.