Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Saga. I own twitchy fingers that enjoy writing for no profit
Chapter 20: Answers and Acceptance
I had been kneeling there on the kitchen floor for maybe half an hour when the phone ringing startled me out of my stupor a little. The machine clicked on and I heard Angela leaving a message, asking if I was feeling any better, and if I'd be at school the next day. I made myself focus on her voice, the mundane thought of school making a useful first step away from my melt down. Just like I had before, the last time I'd been overwhelmed by events, I broke things down into small tasks to be accomplished, rather than trying to make myself absorb the whole impossibly large picture in one go. "Ok then." I told myself. "Step one: get up off the floor and put together something easy for dinner later." I didn't let myself look any further ahead than this small step for now, knowing it was best to ease myself slowly back into action, so I put my whole attention firmly on the contents of the fridge, choosing ingredients to make a simple stew that could sit in the oven and be ready for a late dinner when Charlie to back. Once the meat and onions were browned, the vegetables and stock added, and the whole pot placed in the oven to cook, I had reached a much calmer frame of mind and was ready to tackle step two: return Angela's call. I made the conversation as brief as possible, reassuring her that yes, I was feeling better and yes, I would be back at school the next day so no, I didn't need her to arrange bringing me my homework.
The call to Angela complete, I dragged myself upstairs for step three: take a shower. My hair was still full of grit and mud from my fall the day before, and my skin felt just as grimy, so I wasn't surprised, just a little disgusted by the murky colour of the water that ran off me and down the drain. The running water gave me an idea. What would really help me right now was that relaxed calm that I always achieved when I sat in my hollow at First Beach. I was in no condition to drive over there right now, but I had already proved to myself that I could pit myself in a similar state of mind here at home by imagining the sound of the waves crashing against the beach and ebbing away again. I quickly finished up in the shower and towelled myself off, pulling on my pyjamas and leaving my hair to dry in natural waves down my back.
Once I was in my room, I sat myself down on the floor, not wanting to risk falling asleep on my bed while my mind was still in such turmoil. I shuddered to think of the dreams that would chase me down into sleep if I did. "Right. Step four then: get myself balanced again." I crossed my legs and let my hands fall loosely in my lap, my chin dropping to my chest as I relaxed my muscles as much as I could. I imagined the waves, and matched my breathing to the imaginary sounds.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
It took a little longer than it would in my hollow, but my body began to relax completely, and my mind started its usual drifting reverie. I let the turmoil and panic flow out on my exhales and gradually my mind emptied, allowing the thoughts to come and go as they pleased once more. The first thought to fly in was the same as the last thought I'd had before awareness fled and normal, restful sleep had taken me earlier that morning. "When did I start thinking of Taha Aki as a separate person, rather than just the creation of my own mind?" Letting the memories of weeks of the same dreams flow through my mind, I wasn't able to pinpoint the time when I had begun thinking of his differently, but the fact that I did was inescapable. He had become a companion I shared the dreams with, one who could point out which parts of the dreams to focus on, and which parts to skip over. The dreams that morning had been the first time he'd physically directed me, and the first time he'd displayed clear emotion, but now that I was allowing the memories to fly in and settle, I noticed that he had appeared progressively more irritated with me each time the dream scenes repeated. Like a teacher frustrated with a student who was just missing the point of an explanation each time it was made. Whilst I had often been frustrated with myself during my life, I'd never before constructed a character to portray this frustration, and so, for the first time I allowed myself to ponder the possibility that maybe he wasn't just a construct of my own, but something else. I wasn't at all prepared for the right feeling that flowed over me right then, and then another thought shot in, quick as a darting fish. "Of course it follows that if Taha Aki isn't just a figment of your imagination, then those dreams aren't you sending subconscious messages to yourself, but something else." The thought darted back out again as quick as it had come, leaving only another right feeling behind in its wake. The surprise almost jarred me out of my peaceful, floating state of mind. Not ready yet to let it go, I focused again on my breathing, letting the thought drift away again.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
For a long while, nothing new came forward, I was simply adrift without thought, letting the peaceful feeling soak into my every pore. Eventually though, a new thought made itself known. "What on earth was Victoria talking about with all of her dog references in the letter?" It was an interesting point, despite the fear which that tiny alert part of my mind was trying hard not to feel. Putting aside her corny, melodramatic close to her note, she had mentioned dogs twice more; telling me I could hide in the dogs' kennel, and also that guard dogs wouldn't keep her away forever. But what dogs? Charlie and I had no pets whatsoever, never had done, and as far as I was aware, none of our neighbours had so much as a chihuahua. Mrs Fenton, three houses up the street had several cats, but that was it. And even if all the neighbours had kept whole packs of Rottweilers, I didn't see how that would inconvenience a vampire for a moment, short of the barking being irritating while she killed me. One of those little itches in the back of my mind set in once more. Something to do with the phrase 'pack of dogs'. Knowing better than to try forcing the connection, I merely left my mind open, letting the knot unpick itself until I could see the relevant thread. "You can hide in your dogs' kennel as much as you want" ... "No guard dogs can hold me off forever" ... "Pack of dogs." The three things circled and bumped along in the front of my brain until they suddenly clicked together like pieces of a jigsaw. "I don't have a dog, much less guard dogs; The only place I could be accused of 'hiding' in recently is the Rez, hardly a kennel," I mused. "But 'a pack' makes me think of wolves as well as dogs, her word 'guard' brings protector to mind, and the 'kennel', the Rez ..." The sudden realisation drove me right out of my relaxed state and I was sitting, wide eyed and staring, rigidly upright on the floor.
"Holy shit." I breathed "She's talking about wolves. She wasn't talking about an extinct species either." I knew I was talking to myself, but didn't care right at that moment. "Apart from the fact she'd have no way of knowing about them if they were extinct, long dead shape shifters would, of course offer no protection whatsoever, so that means they're back. There are wolves in the tribe again. HOLY SHIT!" I sprang to my feet, suddenly full of excitement. "The 'bear' sightings. It was wolves. There've got to be at least two of them - she was talking about dogs, plural, not dog, singular." I stopped abruptly, realising a terrible truth. "All those missing or dead hikers and campers. If it wasn't a rogue bear, that means it was Victoria. She's been around for months, trying to get to me, but not able to get past the wolves." I thought, not able to utter such a horrible conclusion out loud. All those people, dead. And ultimately because of me. I sat back down, this time on the edge of my bed. "Do the shape shifters know she's after me? Or are they just protecting their territory in general?" I considered the question for a few minutes, turning it this way and that in my head. "No. They're just protecting their territory. Most of the missing people disappeared miles away from me, so they'd have no reason to guess its me she's after." I flopped backwards across my bed, arms above my head, staring at the ceiling as I thought. I gave a wry snort of amusement suddenly, as another point struck me. "No wonder Taha Aki was getting so frustrated with me. He's far too patient actually. How dense he must think I am, not to get what he's been trying to show me. Poor guy. I should have gotten it when he started showing me the 'then and now' stuff. All this time he's being trying to show me that the wolves are here now, not just then. But they don't know that I need their protection in particular. And I don't know who they are, so I can't tell them." In fact, I knew it was more my stubborn streak, determinedly clinging to the 'facts' I thought I'd known, than stupidity. If I'd let myself accept that maybe what I'd thought I'd known wasn't precisely correct, then I probably would've realised the truth almost immediately.
I began picking away at this new knotty issue; how to find out who the wolves were so I could beg for their help, when I heard Charlie's cruiser pull up outside. My eyes flew to the dark window. It was much later than I'd guessed. I'd been sitting on the floor longer than I'd thought. I began pulling myself together so I wouldn't worry him over my mental state. Between the calm I'd gathered about me from sitting in my calm relaxed state, and the enormous relief that maybe there might be some kind of help available to me after all, it was easier than I might've guessed to make myself appear 'normal', and I quickly but calmly headed downstairs to pull the stew from the oven and serve it up for our dinner.
Charlie looked about as exhausted as I felt as he trudged into the kitchen, removing his gun belt and hanging it up on a hook by the door, just as he always did. He slumped down into his chair at the table and gave me a weary smile.
"Hey, Bells. How're you feeling?"
"Sort of like you look, if I'm honest, Dad." I told him, squeezing his hand gently as I slid his plate in front of him. He sniffed appreciatively at the aromatic steam rising off the plate and dug straight in, barely waiting for me to sit down and join him. We ate together in silence for several minutes before he looked up from his plate and asked
"You and Jake pick up that bike of yours?" I swallowed nervously, both at the memory of finding the letter, and out of concern that Charlie might be about to ban me from riding my bike again. It seemed a little silly to me that I even cared; not five hours before I had been convinced I was sure to die within a few days, but here I was now, worried that I might have a favourite toy taken away? But it was more than that to me. It represented the changes I had been making, and still intended to make. It was freedom from fear of falling back in my pit. Despite only having one short, disastrous ride on it, I already loved that bike. I needed that bike.
"Yes. We collected it on the way home from the clinic. Jake's got it at the workshop right now to check it over." I told him. He grunted, tucking back into his stew and chewing thoughtfully for a few moments.
"You're not getting back on that thing" I opened my mouth to protest, but he held up a hand to hold me off. "Without a helmet." He finished his sentence, and I sat back, relieved.
"No problem, Dad. I should probably have thought about one before anyway." He nodded his agreement and let the subject drop. I had gotten off pretty lightly on that one. I'd expected the conversation to go on for hours, but he'd obviously spoken his piece and was done with it. "Thanks, Dad. And I'm really sorry to have worried you again." I stood up and gave him a quick hug on my way to clear our plates away to the sink. He looked awkward but pleased at the gesture; neither of us were much for outward demonstrations of affection.
"Leave the dishes, Bells." He said. "We could both do with some decent sleep. I'll tackle the dishes in the morning if you'll set them to soak." I wasn't about to argue. After the sleep deprivation at the clinic, the finding of the letter and my subsequent meltdown, and then the revelations I'd had at home this afternoon, the day felt like it had been at least three weeks long, and in spite of the still lingering calm I had achieved on the floor in my room, I was exhausted. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Sleep sounded pretty good right then.
"Ok Dad. I've already showered, so I guess I'll head straight to bed then, ok?" He stood up and headed for the stairs himself.
"Sounds like a plan, kiddo. I'm gonna shower, then do the same. You sleep well."
"You too." I replied, and climbed the stairs to my room.
That night was the first since He left that I didn't have the 'Alone in the Forest' nightmare. Ordinarily I'd have been ecstatic about that sort of progress, but knowing the cause; that my great fear of loneliness and unworthiness - which it had always been clear to me was the root of that particular nightmare - was now eclipsed by the fear of the all too real vengeful vampire who was now close enough to getting me that she could leave little notes attached to my property.
Instead of having to suffer through my usual waking up screaming, only to have to spend several minutes calming myself down enough to fall back asleep, I skipped straight ahead to the dream scenes which I had just begin to accept weren't actually of my own making, but something else's. I was wary when I found myself standing by the loggers trail with Taha Aki by my side. This was new. I guessed that now I'd worked out the full meaning behind the 'Victoria Attacks the Village' scene, I wouldn't be suffering repeats of it from now on. That had always been how these things worked in the past. I turned to look at Taha Aki. Well, more to glare at him really. It was time for some more direct answers if I could get them. So he wasn't a figment of my own subconscious attempting to communicate with my conscious mind, fine. I had accepted that, and my stubborn nature demanded that now I'd worked it out I wouldn't shy away from the truth. But I wanted the whole truth. Not just the dribs and drabs I was being fed at his convenience.
"Right then, Taha Aki. Time for some answers I think. Don't you?" I asked him in a firm tone, folding my arms across my chest. "I know I've been stubborn about seeing the real truth instead of what I'd convinced myself was truth. But I'm done with that now. So it's time for you to spill. No more cryptic shit." He smiled indulgently at me but gently shook his head
"You're not ready yet, young one." He sat, cross legged on the ground and signalled for me to do the same. "Truths given but not learned lack the understanding necessary to put them into action." It was the longest speech I'd heard him make so far. Despite the cryptic nature of it I was able to follow his point, though I really didn't like what I'd heard. Just like in a math class, if someone provided you with the answers to every question on a quiz, but you didn't understand how the answers had been calculated, you hadn't actually learned anything. Given a similar test later on, without the answers being provided, you fail.
"So what're you saying? You can't tell me anything?" I demanded crossly. He shook his head again.
"No, young one. This is one lesson you must learn. You listen, but don't hear. Look, but don't see. Understand, but don't accept. Of the three, the last is the most vital lesson to learn. Much of what you wish and need to know, you already understand. But until you accept what you understand, what could be, or should be, never will be." He stood and held out his hand to help me up too. I was still trying to puzzle out the meaning of his latest cryptic offering as he began to lead me forward.
"Come. There are things you must see, and you need proper rest too." I took a step forward with him and instantly the scenery changed. I was standing in the middle of the meadow, our meadow, and I waited for the echoing pain in my chest to rip through me with the memories, even inside my dream, but there was only a dull ache. Like regretful nostalgia, and nothing more. I was once again an observer, watching me/not me, dressed this time in modern clothes, being approached by a tall male figure. His features were blurred and I couldn't make out what he was wearing. In fact the only thing I could tell about this male was that he wasn't human. No human moved with that sort of grace.
"Vampire." I said,
"Yes." Taha Aki agreed. "Watch." I did. I watched as not me assumed a submissive stance and the vampire attacked. The scene reset. I watched as me/not me dropped to her knees, begging, and the vampire attacked. The scene reset again. I watched as me/not me ran, as me/not me became aggressive, and as me/not me looked uncertain and hesitant, and the vampire attacked. Finally I watched as me/not me appeared relaxed and confident, by her body language clearly chatting with the vampire, and the vampire hesitated, talking with her until as the scene faded to black, I saw him throw a surprised and fearful look over his shoulder. The meadow, the vampire, and me/not me disappeared and I was in La Push once more.
I was a little surprised to be seeing the Victoria scenes again, I'd thought these were done with now I'd solved the puzzles they held. This time, however, the scenes sped past me a breakneck speed, the only parts that stuck in my mind being the flashes of flame-like red hair. "Wait. Flame-like hair. Forest on fire when I came off my bike. Flashes of red through the branches." Even inside my dream my blood ran cold as ice. "Fuck! She was that close? Jake and Sam could've been killed. I must keep my distance until I've found the wolves and hopefully rid my life of the vengeful bitch, or it'll be more than just Charlie I put in danger alongside myself."
The Victoria scenes completed, darkness rolled in again and I was once more alone with Taha Aki on the loggers trail. He turned to me, his face grave and stern, and spoke.
"So much to learn, young one, and little time to do it. Some paths may be altered by your actions, and only through seeing, understanding, and accepting can you hope to make the right choices." He told me. Seeing I was struggling to understand, his expression gentled. "Acceptance is the key to relieving your greatest worry, and also to setting your feet on the path to true happiness. You have seen and understood much already, and now accepted some of it. Look to the rest of what you know, learn to accept truth and reject assumptions, and you will find what you seek." With that, he walked away from me and I felt the awareness I always felt in those dreams slipping away with him as real sleep took me once again.
When I woke the next morning, the peace I had found the evening before was still with me to some degree, although it was edged with a buzzing sense of purpose. As I showered and dressed, my mind ran with half baked plans for finding out who the shape shifters were. I thought about it as I ate breakfast with Charlie, as I drove to school, as I sat through class, and as I hung out with Jake and Quil at the diner after school. I thought about it as I cooked for Jake, Billy, Charlie and myself at the Black's house, as I drove home, and as I got ready for bed. No matter what angle I held the problem at in my mind, though, I could see only two possible solutions.
One was safe, but very unlikely to succeed. I could just flat out confront Billy with what I knew, and ask him who the wolves were. He was the Chief of his tribe, he must know the answer to my question. But there was no way he'd spill, he'd just pretend they were merely myths and legends, and I'd never get any more out of him.
The second solution would probably get me a meeting with the shape shifters, but was very very risky, I would be taking my life in my own hands. I could simply march myself into the forest, making as much noise about it as possible, and wait for Victoria to find me. Gambling my life on the hope that the wolves would be waiting for her to make her next move on the area, and would take their opportunity to close in on her.
It really was a huge risk to take, but after nearly twenty four hours of poking away at the problem, I just couldn't see any other way of getting to communicated with them, and so, reluctantly, I made my decision.
After school the next day I would make my desperate move.
So. A lot going on in this chapter. I'm still a little worried that I'm moving too quickly all of a sudden; trying to fit in too much in too short a time. If I'm right, and it is too much, let me know and I'll try to give it a re-shuffle.