A/N: Unlike my previous stories, this entire story has already been written, so the posting schedule will be pretty regular. This isn't a very long story, and it's written entirely in diary format.

The diary flips between past and current events, but hopefully, it's not too confusing for you.

Chapter One

Saturday, December 25, 2021

Dear Diary,

It's been eleven months, two weeks, six days, ten hours, and fourteen minutes since I last saw the love of my life, and I can still remember our last conversation like it was yesterday.

"I love you. Don't get shot," I said with a hint of pleading in my voice before kissing him deeply.

His eyes softened. "I love you, too," he said. "Don't go crazy. I should be back in two weeks." He kissed me again, then released me. He looked at me momentarily, then turned and left my apartment without looking back. I thought about that last look for a long time afterward. It was a mix of love, disbelief, and something else that was undefinable at the moment, but I realized later, after hours of obsessed analysis, that it was regret. It replays in my head on a loop, like the best and worst movie I've ever seen.

After Ranger missed his first check-in, I couldn't get out of bed for two days. All I did was cry and wait for the sound of Ranger picking the lock to my apartment as usual. But it never came.

The next thing I knew, Tank was breaking into my apartment. He told me Connie called him when I didn't show up for work and didn't call. He dragged me out of bed, pushed me into the bathroom and told me he was coming in to help me shower if I didn't do it myself. I was worried his wife, Victoria, would kick my ass if he did it, so I did as I was told and stayed under the shower spray until it started running cold.

Sunday, December 26, 2021

Dear Diary,

After Tank dragged me out of my apartment that day, I did my best to keep one foot in front of the other. As much as I wanted to stay in bed, I forced myself to get up each morning. With the level of distraction I was experiencing, there wasn't any way I could continue to work for Vinnie. I couldn't put Lula or myself in that sort of danger when I couldn't focus on my job. And I didn't want any of the guys at Rangeman to get hurt if I needed them to back me up, either.

So I took Tank up on his offer and started running searches for them full-time. It was mind- and butt-numbing, but it kept me fed and housed, and I felt closer to Ranger here. When there was news, I'd be right there to hear it. He missed his second check-in, but the guys said there still wasn't much to worry about. They assured me he was the best of the best, and there was a reason he was simply called Ranger. No one else had earned that right, but he embodied everything a Ranger was supposed to be.

While we waited for any news, my routine didn't vary. Every day, I went to work and returned home. I ignored phone calls unless it was from one of the Merry Men. Then, Ranger missed his third check-in. I collapsed, and Lester held me as I sobbed. He, Tank, and Bobby tried to comfort me, but I couldn't be comforted. All I needed was Ranger, and no one knew where he was. Bobby called Ella and asked her to come down to Tank's office, and she took care of me for the next two days while I stayed in Ranger's penthouse on the seventh floor.

Two days after he missed that check-in, Tank, Bones, Lester, and Ram left to find him and perform an exfil, whatever that meant.

I waited on tenterhooks until the guys returned, which wasn't until two weeks later. While they were gone, I tried to resume my normal life. The guys had never failed in any of their missions, and I was sure they'd be successful now. I made plans with Connie and Lula for a girl's night out at Chevy's, where we drank margaritas and ate chimichangas. It wasn't as boisterous as our usual nights out, but they helped distract me for a while. At my mother's insistence, I went to dinner at her house several times, where she lamented over the weight I had lost and tried her best to fatten me up a bit by cooking all my favourite meals and baking my favourite desserts. But as soon as I'd take a bite of any dessert, all I could hear in my head was, "That stuff will kill you, Babe," and the food would stick in my throat as I tried desperately to keep the tears from falling. I stopped even trying to eat dessert soon afterward. I guess the base of my pyramid wasn't dessert, after all.

Wednesday, December 29, 2021

Dear Diary,

I wanted to write in this diary every day, but life got away from me. I sort of felt like maybe it's helping to write about everything that's happened in the last year, so I will try to be more diligent, but with all my new responsibilities, sometimes I just can't. I feel like describing who I am now means you have to know how I got here. So, I'll continue telling you about the last year before I get to the new stuff.

I left off when the guys went to find Ranger wherever he was supposed to be. They didn't tell me, and I didn't ask. Chances are, it was classified, and they wouldn't have been allowed to tell me anyway. I waited for news or their return with Ranger, whichever came first. Weirdly enough, I had no idea what the 'Burg grapevine was saying during this time because I was so unplugged and out of touch with everyone. I started meeting with my friends and family again, if only as a distraction. But it sort of worked. I didn't think of Ranger every minute, but it could have been due to those distractions, or it could have been because I was so confident the guys would pull through and bring him home. I wouldn't have even cared if he was injured as long as he was safe and home.

On February 10th, they returned home with their heads hanging low, dejected. They didn't find him. When Tank came to see me in Ranger's apartment, he held my hand in his much larger one, stroking it as he told me the worst news yet.

He told me that rumours are pretty rampant in small villages like where Ranger was known to be, and anyone new or foreign is discussed in as much detail as they can glean—kind of like a South American (I'm assuming) 'Burg. The men tracked him to the village, but no one had seen him or would admit to seeing him since. Tank said he found out what Ranger's original mission was, and they completed it but found no sign of Ranger along the way.

I started hyperventilating when he finished, and then I think I passed out. I sort of remember feeling everything going topsy-turvy and fading away. The next thing I do remember is that Bobby was there, and he hooked me up to an IV.

I stayed in Ranger's apartment for the next few weeks. I suppose I should have gone back to my apartment, but no one seemed to mind that I was there, and I wanted…no, needed…to be in Ranger's space. I showered with his Bulgari shower gel and sniffed myself all day. It wasn't the same. I craved that intoxicating cocktail of Bulgari and Ranger like oxygen. I still went to work and visited my family at my mother's insistence, but I did very little else. For once, my mom seemed to understand I was in no mood to entertain any bullshit, and she didn't try to set me up with anyone by bringing single losers over to dinner. Or maybe she thought I was the loser; I don't know. I don't care.

Friday, December 31, 2021

Dear Diary,

Happy New Year. Last year at this time, I was blissfully happy. Ranger and I weren't in an official relationship, but we spent all our free time together, and New Year's Eve was no exception. He took me to dinner at Marsilio's, which was so romantic. He dressed up in a very handsome black Armani suit and shined-to-perfection shoes. He took my breath away, but he did that even when wearing his Rangeman uniform. We had an amazing night of togetherness, capped by a celebratory glass of champagne at his penthouse, where we toasted the New Year. He kissed me, and I could feel all the passion and, yes, love behind it. It wasn't just about lust, though, of course, we fell into bed and made love all night after that. I woke up in his arms, and it felt so right. We spent the day together, just hanging out. Since he worked on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, he took the day off to spend with me. I wanted to ask what it all meant, but I was terrified that if I did, it would break the spell, so I kept my thoughts to myself. It didn't last, though.

He got a call on Monday morning, and his entire demeanour changed. After that, he became laser-focused and a little distant from me. When I went home, he didn't argue, though he had when I made noises about leaving the day before. The next time I saw him, he was on his way into the wind.

I think about our New Year's weekend often.

Anyway, a few weeks after the guys returned from wherever they were, I was working in my Rangeman cubicle and running searches on potential clients. One was for the personal products plant, and as the search ran, I let my mind wander. Why hadn't I had to buy any tampons in a while? I thought back and realized it'd been months since my last period. I hadn't felt any different, though, and I hadn't missed any doses of my birth control. I figured, with all the stress, that my period was just late. It was never really all that regular, anyway, which is one of the reasons I went on the pill in the first place. I decided to buy a pregnancy test at lunch that day just to put my mind at ease.

The next morning, three tests stared at me from their resting spot on Ranger's bathroom counter, with varying positive symbols—a plus sign, a tiny PREGNANT in the window, two pink lines—I couldn't deny it. I was pregnant. A small part of me was glad, but the bigger part was completely freaked out and scared.

I got ready and left for work in a daze. I couldn't wrap my mind around it—me, a mother. There was no question that I wanted to keep the baby, but I was scared I wouldn't or couldn't be a good one. I couldn't stop thinking about the baby all day. When five o'clock rolled around, I couldn't remember doing any work, but the stack of completed folders told me otherwise. The following two days blended together in much the same way. On the fourth day, I asked Tank if I could leave at lunch, and then I drove to Philadelphia to go to the Planned Parenthood clinic. Even though the three pregnancy tests told me what I felt deep in my gut was true, I thought having it officially confirmed wouldn't be a bad thing. They did confirm everything and told me I was around fourteen weeks pregnant. I thanked them and stocked up on some prenatal vitamins. I just sat and thought some more when I got to my car. If I was fourteen weeks, that meant I was around a month pregnant when Ranger left for his mission. I started to cry, missing Ranger more at that moment than ever.

A/N: My muse is not cooperating with the Ranger Mañoso, FTA story, so I started writing this one instead. I have NOT abandoned it, but the hiatus length is unknown.