Chapter 21: Gravity

Saturday morning's light crept through the small gap between the top of the window and the curtain. While it mercifully kept itself away from any of the three sleeping faces, it did graze across Bryce's hand, slowly warming up his fingertips. Eventually his body twitched, eyes slowly opening as the human in question idly looked around his room. The place was a bit messier than normal, given the three occupants shifting and turning a bit in their slip. Takeout boxes and drinks littered the nightstand, table, and shelves.

If only every Friday night could be that amazing.

His gaze drifted to the sleeping feline at the foot of his bed, chest slowly rising and falling, then over to the jackal sleeping a few inches from his still form. Getting out of bed without waking up at least one of them was nothing short of impossible. Bryce let his eyes fall shut, adjusting slightly. No sooner had he found a comfy spot than a paw slid across him, just above his hip as Violet snuggled in very close. Her breathing was still exactly the same. No giggling from her, either.

Typical cuddlebug.

For Violet, though, he could let it happen. Bryce fell back into a light snooze, focused only on the gentle rise and fall of his chest. He was pretty sure Shadow normally woke up by now, expecting food. Instead, they all continued to sleep for a bit longer. Much like Bryce, Violet woke herself up by twitching lightly, then adjusting her sleeping position. Unlike him, however, she moved her entire body forward, most of the Pokemon's frame ending up on top of Bryce. His eyes opened. Violet's did as well, likely from the change in her pillow.

"Morning there, sunshine." Bryce smirked, despite the fact that her face was only about a foot away from his own.

Bryce expected Violet to return the smirk with one of her own, despite just waking up from a deep sleep. He wasn't disappointed, either.

"Morning." She replied, expression soon morphing into a proper smile.

Bryce's arm slipped underneath her hip, pulling her in even closer as she wiggled right up next to him. He was still half asleep, and that was the excuse he was sticking to. Besides, the less he'd been overthinking and the more he'd simply acted in the moment, the happier he'd been. Heck, doing what was right had meant bringing Violet home in the middle of the night in the first place.

"Okay, even I can admit that's cute." He grinned, noticing a blue tail lightly wagging back and forth, the bedsheet only covering one of Violet's paws since she'd moved in her sleep.

Violet hadn't realized it was even happening until he mentioned it. Eyes widening, she blushed, giving him a sheepish grin as she laughed.

"S-Shut up!"

He chuckled, not the least bit fazed. "If I didn't have to get up to feed Shadow, I'd cuddle with you aaaaalllll day." Bryce teased, drawing out the penultimate word for emphasis.

"Mm?" Uh oh, she was going to strike back. "In that case, how about we do exactly that?"

Somewhere in the back of his head was the realization that a woman had just asked him to stay in bed with her all day, but it only registered enough for him to nervously chuckle. Still, he nodded, giving Violet a warm smile as he looked over to Shadow. Violet did the same, her tail managing to calm itself after a moment.

"Is Shadow okay?"

Bryce blinked. It happened quickly, but in the moment, it felt like a gradual cold air in the wind. Something about the way she said it…

Slipping out of his position as the Lucario shifted to the side, he gently placed a hand on the feline's back. As expected, Shadow untucked her head, stretching slowly as her face turned and looked back at her owner with a pair of dull, golden eyes.

He swore lightly under his breath, nearly letting it out as a gasp. This was definitely Shadow, but she looked much more tired than normal…and that wasn't her normal eye color. Suddenly Bryce was fully awake, gently petting Shadow as he continued to watch her. Shadow looked back, softly nuzzling into Bryce's hand. Only once he was sure that one of his best friends wasn't going to disappear into thin air did he get up off the bed, quickly searching online for what could cause a sudden change in energy level and eye color in cats.

Something was wrong, he could feel it.

There was nothing conclusive on the internet, but the results close to his search seemed to agree: it wasn't normal for a sudden change. Having watched wordlessly for a while, Violet spoke.

"Her aura is different from yesterday." Her eyes remained on Shadow, examining the sixth sense that Violet naturally possessed. "...like it's murky."

Bryce's hands were on Violet's shoulders in an instant, his eyes full of confusion. "What do you mean? What does that mean?"

Violet blinked, snapping herself out of the light shock and looking back at Shadow. "Maybe you should take her to the vet?"

The question was offered quietly, trying to be as helpful as she could. Even so, the cold feeling of dread was starting to creep over Bryce. The cat carrier was out in the garage. He could go get it and be at the vet in ten minutes.

"Yeah. Yeah. I'll be right back."

His body moved on instinct, even though he didn't take his eyes off Shadow until he could no longer see her. Thankfully, reaching the cat carrier didn't take more than a minute. Bryce wasn't sure why, but as he returned, he stopped a few feet shy of his bedroom door. No, he couldn't falter now. He just had to get Shadow there, figure out the problem, and then they could go back to a normal weekend.

As he returned to the room, Violet was holding Shadow in her arms. She gently placed the feline inside of the carrier.

"I'll be back as soon as I can." Bryce promised, zipping up the carrier and looking over to Violet. "You're gonna be okay?"

"Of course."

He wanted to say something else–comfort, advice, something–but whatever he was trying to say simply was scattered away in his mind. All he could do was give a small nod, leaving his room without a word, giving Violet one last look as he did so. Even for a late Saturday morning, traffic was pretty minimal. At least Bryce could be thankful it wouldn't take much time.

"What do you mean, 'no time'?"

Bryce's voice was low, resembling a growl. Shadow, himself and the only vet currently in the building had been tucked away into one of the rooms. Room, front desk, or in front of thousands, Bryce wouldn't have hesitated to chew the staff out for the 'diagnosis' she'd given him. Even though Shadow had been seen quickly, thanks to the otherwise barren clinic, Bryce was positive something was wrong when gently taking Shadow out of her carrier. The black feline felt light…abnormally light. Her chest continued rising and falling slowly, only opening her eyes while Bryce gently stroked her fur.

"We've run every test I can think of." The vet said, a solemn look on her face. "Shadow is just…getting old." She finished, weakly.

"You told me she was in great health last time I was here." It was all he could do to not tear that woman limb from limb. "So what the FUCK is happening to my best friend?!"

No one went from perfect health to…the opposite just like that. Who expected Bryce to be okay with 'I don't know' as an answer? He was supposed to have years left with Shadow, not…hours.

Bryce looked down at the table, fists clenched as they rested on them. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't just give up on his best and only friend for years.

"I'm taking her back home." He answered clearly, voice cold and somewhere between hollow and vengeful.

"I know you care about her, but…she won't make it."

So this was what it felt like when he gave someone brutal honesty.

He refused to let her words defeat him. "Fine. At least she'll be with the people that love her."

He could see the shadow of the veterinarian shaking her head. "No, what I'm saying is…she won't make it back home. Shadow has minutes."

He grit his teeth hard, lips pressed so tightly together that they might disappear. How was this happening…and why? Only vaguely did he hear a feminine voice mentioning giving Shadow a sedative…and that she wouldn't feel a thing…

"Just…give me a minute…"

Watching people come and go from his life, Bryce expected himself to be a bawling mess right now. He never was one to really get choked up. Now was no different, but it felt as if it should have been. With each passing moment, his body went from feeling like it was on fire to turning ice cold.

"Of course."

He barely even heard the vet's response.

Seconds later, the door closed. Did it really matter what he did? His mind said to just forget all of them, to take Shadow home and just see if things would get better. It was a sudden change from good to bad, it could happen in reverse…

…but his heart said that, regardless of what he chose, Shadow was…

Bryce's eyes slid shut.

Violet, I need you. Somehow I know you'll be able to hear me. You've got a connection to her. Tell me what to do. Tell me what she wants.

All of it didn't make any sense…but he was living with a Pokemon in his house. Anything was worth trying. Anything. There wasn't a lot of time. His call was just absorbed into nothingness. Slowly, he looked up at Shadow. Bryce hadn't stopped petting her since the vet had left the room.

Her golden eyes shone back softly at him. It was as if she was saying the same thing, barely above a whisper, over and over:

Thank you.

No…he couldn't hear Shadow saying it. He could feel it, but it was shattering what little sanity Bryce was holding onto.

There was no chance he could get his best friend back home in time…and he'd be damned if Shadow was stuck with a needle for no good reason. As carefully as he could, he slid the feline close to him, gently enveloping her into a hug while keeping her on the table.

You're the best friend I've ever had…I won't let you go…

…and he didn't. Even as Shadow's eyes closed for the final time…even as her heartbeat stopped…even as the vet returned and made a set of pawprints…the whole time, he didn't let Shadow go.

Her spirit was still there.

Bryce didn't ever remember letting Shadow's body go, or even speaking to anyone else. The still warm body of his best friend had been replaced by a cold, metal urn. Even the warm rays of the sun couldn't dilute that same, cold feeling just beneath the surface of Bryce's skin as he drove home. For all he knew, he'd run every red light, every stop sign, without a trace of worry or care.

That dark feeling only grew as he remembered who would be there when he returned.

She never had a chance to say goodbye.

It was the only thing he could think as he set the urn and the paw imprints down on the kitchen counter, turning to face Violet as she walked in the room. Of course she knew what happened. He couldn't meet her gaze for more than a second. If he did, it would have…

Violet slowly stepped forward, as if she were trying to approach a wild animal.

"...don't."

He wasn't asking. He was pleading, even if his voice was steady. After everything he'd just felt this morning…it was his limit. He couldn't feel any more feelings right now…or else he'd simply break.

Violet stopped. Bryce saw her nod slowly out of the corner of his vision. She probably knew what he was feeling better than he was right now.

"I'm sorry…" His voice was barely over a whisper.

Without question, she knew what he meant. "I did…get to say goodbye." Violet paused. "When you were getting the carrier…"

There was nothing Violet could have done, he knew that. She could read auras, not provide life-giving magic. He knew, he was positive, it wasn't Violet's fault. If Shadow had some sort of deterioration from being around her, it would have happened more gradually, or well before now. As her words slowly sank in, he nodded.

"I need some time…" He managed to breath out, feeling as if it took every last bit of air in the room to do so.

Violet let him pass as he took the urn and pawprints into his room. He gently set one on his desk, then the other. Enough time had gone by that he knew Violet could take care of herself here for…however long it took. It wasn't until he kicked his shoes off and slid into bed he realized how much it hurt.

Even if it had somehow been Violet's fault, he couldn't push her out of his life. She was all he had left.

I'll have to get ready, too…Violet won't be here forever.

He wanted to cry. Cry, scream, something, anything capable of pushing all of the feelings swirling around his body, whatever it took. Maybe Violet could have pulled that aura out of him…or something. Thinking clearly was impossible. His body felt like lead, as if it were trying to crush him from the inside.

So this is what everyone felt when they lost someone they cared about…how long until it goes away?

Please…help me…

Bryce drifted in and out of consciousness. When he was awake, he couldn't see anything but vague shapes and colors. No sound got through the haze. No senses of touch registered to his body. The dark grey blob of the urn was all he could keep in his sights. Every time he did, all Bryce could do was beg for forgiveness. Why did she have to go when he was far less deserving to stay…unless this hell was his punishment.

Was she at least free, wherever she was?

Author's Notes: Writing this chapter, I did things in a different order, because of how different this chapter is from everything else thus far. Normally I do the chapter, then the Author's Notes, then the title. This time, I did the title, then I'll be doing some of the Author's Notes before starting (which I'll show where that split is), then the chapter, then finishing the Author's Notes.

Having the massive break I did from this story was for both good and bad reasons, but thankfully mostly good. The good being from the same Author's notes as last time. It wasn't really until the day before starting this chapter (3/1/2024) that it well and truly clicked that they've been the first people in my life that I've been able to be fully authentic with, and they've fully accepted me as I am, rather than others wanting to see either a fake version of myself or just having expectations for taking care of others when I needed to take care of myself. I think it might be the first time I've felt what (platonic) love is actually like now that I'm almost thirty years old.

They're a bit part of the reason I finally got past the barrier that I had in doing this chapter:

Losing a pet, at least to me, is one of the hardest things that anyone could go through, and it's compounded by the fact that we set ourselves up for it simply due to the fact that people live longer than most typical pets. In many cases, they are the friend we have that loves us unconditionally. They're the one we come home to after a long day.

Although people who have known me irl for a long time know part of this story, this is the first time I've expressed the impact it had on me, rather than keeping it internally:

Like many people, I have had my own pet (who was also a cat) growing up, and although she lived a long life, it was a very, very heavy blow when she suddenly passed. She was definitely the type of cat that only loved one person (myself) and didn't really care for any of the other pets or people that we lived with. My mom had her other cats, my father had his dogs, and so as a result, she and I were the two left that made our own team.

There's no question that I was not easy to live around, growing up. I was bitter and angsty like most teenagers at that age, and that was something that didn't get better until I moved out and had my own space and freedom. That said, there's also no doubt that there were many, many months where each day that I came home, my cat was the only one that was actually glad to see me there. She was the friend I had who I could actually be myself around–but, of course, she passed on, and I'm still here.

It's been ten years, five months and nineteen days since she passed away, and I can still remember being woken up to her screaming perfectly. I can paint that picture perfectly, and it's one of the few nightmares that I still get from time to time. What hurt more than watching her go, though, was being unable to even have the courage to go to the clinic when they did have to put her down. It was a feeling of truly letting someone down when they needed me most, and never having the opportunity to make it up to them again. I hope, in some way, by writing this chapter and making this story, that she'll forgive me for my cowardice. If there was any lesson to learn there, it's that I'll never do something like that again–because as much as being there to have her go in my arms would have been devastating, the guilt of not being there ate me alive for a full decade.

There was definitely a time in there that I dealt with Survivor's Guilt. I felt bad that she was gone while I was still here, and yes, that it should have been me going while she stayed. I've long since moved past that mindset. However, as I've gotten older, there's one thing I've definitely learned from this and losing others:

Being willing to die for someone is hard. Being willing to live for someone is much, much harder.

So as I end this part of the Author's Notes before I write the chapter itself, this chapter is dedicated to my best friend for many years who kept me sane and feeling loved. I know that if you're out there in another life, you're proud that I'm still here and showing others the love you showed me…and even if you're not out there, you would be proud. I hope that when this chapter is over, I'll have finally moved past the last of my grieving, and that when I think of you, I'll only see all the wonderful memories, and that I'll remember that I now have friends that love me the same way you have. I love you.

So, I've just finished writing the draft of this chapter. It's now almost a week later (3/7/2024). It's fitting to finish this just around the time that two friends of mine underwent surgery–with one of them giving a kidney to the other so that he can live the full life he should be able to.

Watching the update video he created the day before his surgery, when everyone that could possibly be there were right there, supporting the two of them…I think I now know, to some extent, what he must have been feeling in that moment. I imagine it was like having a weight press down, then being lifted up each time there was someone reminding him that we're all behind him. But that day before, it wasn't the weight that was overwhelming. It was when the weight was taken away, and when he was being lifted up by others…that was the type of freedom of all the negative emotions that come with life just floating away that made him feel overwhelmingly blessed to have friends.

I wondered a lot, going into this chapter, how I would feel, coming out the other side. It's one thing to tell yourself 'you can't let guilt eat you alive, you have to let go of the guilt and remember all the great times you had, and that you'll still have great times ahead. When it's all over, you'll get to see them again, and tell them about all these amazing things you did, and then you'll get to have new adventures with them again'.

I think this might be the first time where I'm starting to have mindfulness (being able to live in the present moment and enjoy it), where before, I could probably count the amount of times I'd done so on one hand. The past has the capability to eat people alive, myself included, and while the future still has the capacity to be bright, there's no reason to wait for things to get to their best when I can acknowledge now: things are better.

I've got friends in my life that I don't have the baggage of being someone I'm not. They make my life better and they want me to be part of their lives. I can drop that weight, that burden, at my feet–I've always been able to, I just couldn't see it–and say goodbye to it: all of that hurt that I have no reason to hold.

"Just how important it is to keep living, and to find new people to live for, and new experiences to live for. Whatever you've lost, whatever opportunity, whatever person, you think that 'well that was it, that was my life, there's nothing to look forward to now'. There is. You probably don't see it yet, but it's there. Adventure is out there, right? Hope is out there. 'Thanks for the great adventure, now go have another one!'" –Jonathan Decker

To one of my beloved and cherished friends who has departed this world, I'm saying, "I'll see you again someday. You'll be the first one that I'll find and give the biggest hug. I love you."