"Okay so what is this Cap?", I ask him with a giggle as I hold up a makeup sponge.
Cappie had run me a hot bath in his pursuit of relaxing me tonight. Which was sweet, of course. He'd lined the bath with the few candles we had around here, he'd used his '420' themed lighter he'd had since I met him to light them of course. But after a few minutes I'd gotten bored in here.
So I called in Cappie and now we were playing a game of me informing him about girls items so he'd we well prepared for having a daughter. He was currently raiding the bathroom, which obviously we shared, but was mainly mine if we were being honest. The only things Cappie had in here were a few things to shave, a toothbrush, and a men's 4 in 1 body wash/ shampoo, whatever that was.
He had the bathroom cupboard open, handing me things to quiz him on.
"Well it looks like a foam egg", Cappie gives me a confused look, smirk on his face. "I'm guessing it's something that goes inside you".
He shrugs, but still looks fairly confident in his answer.
"You're settling on that answer Cap?", I giggle, trying to conceal the hilarity of this.
"Well… I don't know about now", He laughs with a shake of his head. "Unless you're trying to trick me? It totally seems like something you stick up there when you're on your period, right? I'm not that dumb Case".
I can't stop laughing then, as I throw the makeup sponge at him.
"Hey!", He laughs.
"It's for makeup Cap!", I cross my arms over my naked self, laying in the bathtub, suds covering me a tiny bit, my whole body submerged in water except for my bump sticking out.
"Seriously? That's like, the last thing I would've guessed", he shakes his head with a laugh.
"Okay next one, maybe this one you'll get", I give him a smile, snickering to myself.
He's sitting on our bathroom stool beside the tub. He goes through the cupboard to find another item.
"This, I have no idea what this is", He laughs holding up a plug in device I had to dry my nails.
"No guesses?", I give him a look.
"Literally none Case. I mean it plugs in…", he looks it over, turn it upside down.
"It's to dry your nails after you paint them", I tell him, knowing he'll never come to the answer on his own.
"Mmm", He nods. "Interesting. Nail polish is one thing I have experience in now at least".
He gestures down to my feet which he had painted a baby pink last week for me because I couldn't do it myself and didn't feel like going to get a pedicure if he could just do it.
"See? I'm preparing you", I laugh. "Our daughter will probably wanna paint her nails, she might even paint yours. I used to have these makeover nights with my mom, and I'd put all these scrunchies in her hair and do a terrible job of painting her nails".
I laugh at the memory.
"That sounds nice", Cappie gives me a genuine smile.
"Yeah that was before she started to be judgey about my life", I sigh. "And try to make me question you and me and my abilities as a mother".
I look down when I speak, playing with the bubbles in the bath, the subject bothering me.
"It's okay Casey", Cappie says and I look over at him to meet his eyes, which give me a genuine look, trying to comfort me. "You're gonna be a great mom, I know that one hundred percent".
I give him a smile then, feeling warm inside. And not just because of the bath.
"Well I hope you're right… because today I left here so scared that I didn't even bring the hospital bag or her car seat", I sigh, and groan at how stupid I was. "I guess it's partly pregnancy brain, and partly the fear I felt, but if I had had her today I would have nothing to bring her home in, no diapers, no clothes for me, and no way to get her home because she'd have no car seat".
I feel ashamed of myself then, hoping my mom isn't right about me having no idea how to be a mother.
"Case, you were scared and panicking, and besides, it doesn't matter because you'd be in labour for hours, one of us would go get that stuff and bring it if you forgot it", Cappie shrugs like it's no big deal. "This is your first time going through this, you can give yourself a little grace. Hey, even Rusty told me he forgot his camera".
I laugh then, a smile taking over my whole face at his sweet words and his remark about Rusty.
"Thanks Cap", I nod. "I'd be kind of glad if Rusty did forget to bring his camera on the day I go labour for real though… I'm not sure I want to document all the pain and me looking… terrible".
We both laugh then.
"Hey c'mon, we need it for the memories", Cap says with a laugh. "I don't really get it either, but Rusty is insisting. And I do think some photos of you two would be really sweet".
"Not just of me and her Cap, you have to be in them too", I say as if it's obvious, giving him a small smile.
"Okay", he grins. "The three of us then. I think it would be really nice to get some photos of that".
"Me too", I agree, feeling butterflies in my stomach. "I just want it to be you in the room, Rusty and Ashleigh around on the day too if they can be. And then… I'll call my parents when she's already out. They'll be mad at first but I want to have her in the most worry free environment possible".
"That sounds good to me", He gives me a nod. "Your parents already want to kill me, so me not calling them right away probably won't make a difference on that front".
I give him a laugh then.
"Well… once they see you as a dad, my mom can stop with this lawyers and custody thing she keeps spouting on about", I sigh.
"Thanks", He gives me a shy smile. "And once they see you as a mom they won't doubt your abilities ever again. I can see their thought process though I guess. I mean usually with parents that aren't together they have to come to a custody arrangement through lawyers but… it's different with us".
His eyes go serious, his gaze going up and down my body until he meets my eyes. His eyes are like two swimming pools of blue searing into mine.
"Yeah because… we're not just two people having a baby that want nothing to do with each other. We're gonna be co-parents obviously, but…", I think to myself then, having frozen mid sentence, a little unsure what to say since I didn't really know how to explain the fact that me and Cappie weren't like most co-parents. "We're… I don't know, friends doesn't seem like a strong enough word for what we are".
I see the sides of his mouth turn up to grow into a smile, and he takes a lick of his lips quickly and then nods.
"I mean I'm in the bath completely naked while you're in here sitting beside me", I laugh with a shake of my head at how absolutely crazy this would probably seem to any outside people. I know it seemed crazy to Ash and Rusty and they didn't even know about most of the stuff me and Cap did when we were alone.
"Yeah, and that's nothing compared to some of the nights we've spent together this week", He gives me a sinful smile then, joking around with me. "I didn't know if we'd still be able to do that with you this pregnant but you sure proved me wrong Case".
I roll my eyes at him then with a laugh, feeling a little flustered talking about it.
"Exactly", I purse my lips, trying to conceal the way I can't stop my smirk. "My mom just can't see that there's no reason for lawyers and paperwork and mediation and all that stuff because she hasn't been around the two of us. If she was she would know that me and you don't need to be worried about fighting over custody or needing help trying to split up raising her. We're… you and me… we care and respect each other more than that".
He nods then.
"Plus we're gonna be raising her living together here", Cap nods, a sheepish look on his face. "We're more than… just two co-parents trading our daughter off".
He shrugs then, looking down, I think nervous to meet my gaze in case I don't agree.
But I want to make him feel at ease, make it known to him that I knew we were much more than just merely coparents too.
"I feel that way too Cap", I say softly, looking at him while he plays with the drawstring on his pants nervously.
He looks up then after hearing my words to give me a grin I feel that he's trying to conceal slightly, but it's not exactly working. I can see the blush on his face, his dimples showing. He looked so handsome right now, so sweet. And I liked to make him happy like this. Especially when he had been such a good… whatever he was to me today. Dropped everything to come to the hospital, got me dinner while I waited in the car because he didn't want me to have to stand in the takeout line, had given me a foot massage, drew me a relaxing bath.
"Well", Cappie let's out an exasperated laugh, I think trying to veer away from the serious territory we'd just stumbled into, into a territory where we might have to find a word to define this relationship.
Cappie looks into the cupboard then, turning around to find another item.
"Okay what's this? It looks like a pen, but I kind of doubt you'd have a pen in our bathroom", Cappie laughs as he shows it to me.
It was liquid eyeliner. I didn't blame him, it sort of did look like a pen. A pen that read 'Clinique' on it though.
"It's my liquid eyeliner", I laugh. "Which our baby won't be able to use until she's at least fourteen".
I say that last part sternly as I take my hands out of the warm sudsy water to rest them on my bump.
"Ah makes sense", Cappie smirks and looks over to my belly as his expression goes soft, his eyes sparkling as he smiles.
"What?", I giggle, watching the way he stares.
"Nothing", He shakes his head, I don't think having meant for me to catch him looking. "You just look cute, your belly sticking out of the water like that".
He laughs then.
"She's moving around in here too", I laugh, continuing to run my hand across my belly, the skin feeling tight. Tight was a good word to describe how it felt there lately, like the baby was running out of space to grow, my belly having stretched to the max. My bellybutton now bared absolutely no resemblance to what it once looked like.
"Well that's good right?", Cappie smirks. "Since she really scared us earlier".
"Yeah seriously", I let out a sigh of relief as I smile. "Sometimes I wish she'd give me a break, especially at night, but today I'm just happy to feel her. I don't ever want her to stop moving now because at least it shows me she's okay in there".
"I'm sure she's good in there", Cappie nods. "She's gonna be fine Case".
"Okay", I nod, giving him a smile.
Cappie gives me one last grin and then turns to pull out a box of my old tampons from the cupboard.
"Well hey, at least I know what these are", He jokes.
"Yeah neither me nor the baby will be using those for a good long time", I laugh. "I only brought those over because they were what I had left from back in the Spring and I figure eventually I'll need them again at some point".
When me and Cappie had dated last year I had kept some tampons in a drawer in his room at KT. Kept everything I would need in the drawer he'd given me because I had just about moved in there by the Winter semester. Then one drawer turned to three drawers by the time we'd broken up, because I had a lot more clothes and cosmetic items than he did. But he didn't seem to mind at all.
"So, as fun as this game is", Cappie says and I give him a laugh. "Basically the baby isn't going to be using any of this stuff while she's still a little kid, except maybe nail polish and trying to get into your makeup bag".
"Trying to get into your mom's makeup bag is like a rite of passage for all ten year old girls", I laugh.
"Okay", he nods. "What other things should I know about girls? What did you like as a kid?"
"Hmm", I think to myself. "I loved Barbies, like loved them, I had a dream house and Barbie cars and so many outfits. Oh and Polly Pocket! And I had a baby doll too that I would push around in a little stroller".
Cappie seems amused at this as he listens to me recount parts of my childhood I hadn't really thought about until now.
"Okay so lots of dolls then?", He smirks at me.
"Yep", I nod with a smile. "Lots of dolls. And dress up, I used to have a ton of Disney princess costumes. Anything Disney princess too, I loved all of those movies!"
"There's Disney princess movies?", Cappie questions.
"Uh yeah?", I laugh at him. "Did you not know that?"
"I knew there was like…", He thinks to himself. "Cinderella I guess but I didn't think there was a whole genre devoted to them. I didn't really watch Disney movies growing up, we didn't have a TV for most of my childhood".
"So you've never seen Disney movies!?", I look at him in surprise as I sit up in the bath slightly.
"Nope", he shrugs.
"Wow", I take this in. "Well when we watch them with our daughter, you can see them for the first time too Cap!"
I give him an excited smile.
"Sounds good", He grins in response to me.
"Oh and I also loved dancing", I smile. "I started doing ballet when I was like four. And I did soccer, and piano lessons. We'll have to just see what she likes".
I look down at my bump with a smile.
"Sounds good to me", Cappie nods. "So as long as I know something about Disney princesses, makeup, dressing up, and dolls… I might have a chance at being an okay dad to her?"
"Cap", I give him a look, smirking at him as I drag out his name, moving to the edge of the bathtub to get as close over to him as possible. "You're gonna be more than just an okay dad to her, I promise".
His expression turns shy then at my compliment as he nods.
"Thanks Case. I hope so. Because she deserves it, and… so do you", He gives me a small shrug as he smiles.
"C'mere", I whisper, for whatever reason, this moment making my heart drop into my stomach, making my toes curl in giddiness.
I bring out my wet hand to pull his cheek into mine as he leans in to kiss me, the kiss soft and sweet, taking our time with it. His lips feel soft against mine, and he tastes sweet like the iced tea we'd shared at dinner.
When we part we both smile at each other, Cappie looking sheepish. I knew he felt the same way I did.
"Thanks for being here for me today", I say softly, his face still inches away from mine.
"Of course", he nods, like it's obvious.
"And for getting me an extra chocolate chip cookie tonight even though I didn't ask for one", I giggle then, still holding onto his cheek. He'd made sure to get two cookies at Panera, knowing full well how 9 month pregnant me ate.
"Well I know you pretty well", he laughs.
"Yeah you do, don't you?", I smirk, but there's a seriousness to my tone. Because of course he did.
I stare into his eyes for a moment, both our expressions void of any joking now, both of us having a moment of genuine realization I think. It's so quiet in here that I can hear him breathing.
He moves slowly towards me then, holding me at the back of my head to pull me in gently for another kiss, this one filled with a bit more intensity, a bit more wanting.
I pull him into me then, searching for his hands as I pull them closer to me in any effort I can to get him in the bath with me.
"Are you doing what I think you're doing?", He pulls away from my lips slightly as he laughs against me.
"Mmm hmm", I giggle and I pull him up from the stool he's sitting on and he fully commits, giving into me, because of course he does.
He gets into the bathtub with me as I can't stop myself from laughing, my hand over my mouth as I watch him get in, fully clothed.
"Happy now?", He looks to me with a smirk as he sits down in the water where my feet are as he holds them both in his hands to pull me closer to him.
"Yep", I can't stop giggling at him.
I think some water is definitely on the floor now, the addition of his large frame making the water slosh out.
But I didn't care, we'd clean it up later.
"Cap?", I call out to him.
"Are you inviting me into your room for sex again?", I hear his voice across the hall.
I laugh as he refers to me calling him here a few nights ago.
"No, I'm just letting you know that your pet sperm is making me feel like I can't get comfortable if my life depended on it", I groan loudly so he can hear, joking around by using his name for the baby that usually annoyed me.
"Hey! So the names catching on then?", Cap jokes and I can imagine him smirking.
"No, I'm just trying flattery to get you to get me a glass of water so I don't have to get out of bed", I laugh.
"All you have to do is ask, you know that", He says with a laugh and I hear movement from his room then and can hear the floor creaking as he walks down the hall.
"Thank you!", I call out to him.
We'd both dried off after what had turned into our bath, instead of just mine. And then had both gotten tucked into our respective beds.
Cap comes back a few moments later with a glass of water for me.
"Thanks Cap", I grin as I take it from him.
"Of course, it's the least I can do", he gives me a smirk as he watches me take a drink and then put it on my bedside table.
He gives me one last smile and then turns around to leave.
"Hey wait, Cap!", I stop him.
He turns back around so he's standing in my doorway.
"Want something to eat too?", He asks before I can speak, because most nights that would be a yes. But tonight I just felt worried. Worried that the baby could essentially come any day and I didn't know if I was ready.
"No, no", I shake my head. "I'm good. I just wanted to tell you that… earlier today I set up a bunch of the baby stuff. And good thing I did because I kind of thought she was gonna show up today. But anyway, it's all set up now, the changing table with diapers, the baby monitor, the breast pump…"
I trail off as I attempt to get to my point.
"That's great Case, good for you. That's called nesting by the way, that's what the book said, like you're a bird or something", he laughs with a smile as he walks back further into my room to come sit on the side of my bed.
"Yeah, I read that too", I nod, smiling for a moment before getting back to my worries. "Um, I guess what I was gonna ask you is, the nights when it's your turn to take the baby, do you want to just move the changing table and crib in there or… should we get duplicates?"
We had decided a while ago that me and Cappie were going to attempt to take turns trading the baby off so that the other can try and get some sleep at least every other night. Not that I believed that it would exactly work since the first year of her life, at least, I was probably going to have to breastfeed her in the night and would have to wake up anyways.
"Yeah I guess we didn't really think about that, did we?", Cappie purses his lips with a slight scoff. "I think we could just move them back and forth, see how that goes. We can get duplicates too if we need".
I envy Cappie's ability to be so chill about everything.
He opens his mouth to speak again, taking a moment before doing so, as if his next sentence is going to be treacherous.
"I was gonna mention to you though Case… apparently a lot of people have to bring their babies in their bed with them to sleep", Cappie explains to me as he inches closer to me, getting more comfortable on my bed.
"Yeah I've read that too, but it scares me if I roll over on her or something", I sigh. I had a feeling everything was going to scare me once she got here. I just didn't want anything to happen to her. "I guess we'll just have to see how it goes. Plus… on your nights with her you'll probably have to be in here to wake me up anyway to feed her".
"Well if you pump maybe I could just give her a bottle. Or do formula sometimes", He shrugs.
"Yeah, I don't really know how it's gonna work yet. We'll just see what she's best doing… ", I nod nervously. "It all um… it all became so real today Cap. Like she's actually going to be out soon and we're gonna have her every single day".
I look up at him in fear, feeling a little bit of anxiety tonight.
"Hey it'll be okay", Cappie puts his hand on my leg over the covers. "I'm scared too, I'm pretty sure every person who's having a baby and never done it before is. But we'll figure it out. If we have to we can both just sleep in here so we don't have to move all her stuff and we can take turns watching her in the night".
"Okay", I nod, thinking about the fact that he's basically suggesting we share a bed, all three of us spend the nights in my room.
Of course if we were a normal couple we'd have just made Cappie's room the nursery and then the baby would have a real nursery, not just a small portion of my room.
"Are you feeling worried?", Cappie asks me softly, pretty good at reading me.
"Yeah kinda", I give him a look and then sigh.
"Um…", he looks around the room then, I think trying to come up with any way to try to ease my anxiety. "Want me to stay here with you tonight?"
He looks at me with a serious expression, and that's how I know that he really did want to help me feel better, the fact that he wasn't even joking around about this.
"Yeah okay", I nod up and down. "I mean, only if you want".
I give him a shrug then and he responds with a slight laugh as he bites his bottom lip, trying to not give away the smirk that I can still see taking shape on his lips.
"Yeah it's fine with me", he nods, giving me a grin and then getting up to move the pillows off his side of my bed and get in next to me.
Once he's comfortable and laying next to me I finally feel like I can breathe. I'd never really relied on Cappie that much before when we dated. I took pride in the fact that I was a very independent person. But throughout my pregnancy I've actually had to lean on him quite a bit and it was tough for me to ask him for help. But every time I did he was always there.
I turn on my side to look at him then, giving him a shy smile.
"I couldn't have done this without you the past few months Cap", I say quietly.
His lips turn into a smile then as his blue eyes meet mine.
"Even though I said I would raise her by myself and that I didn't need you… it's been so amazing to do this with you", I finish my train of thought.
"I feel that way too", Cappie smiles and rests his hand on me to caress up and down my bare arm up to my shoulder.
Then he moves up to my cheek, staring at me for a moment before pulling me in to kiss him.
I'm fast asleep when I hear a knock on my bedroom door and a voice.
"Casey! Casey!"
I come to more, sitting up slightly, confused.
"Where the hell are you guys?", I hear the voice again and now I'm recognizing it. Rusty.
I turn to my right to see Cappie laying there, fast asleep next to me, laying on his stomach.
Oh crap. I'd invited him in here last night.
And now Rusty was outside my door.
I almost forgot that I'd given him an emergency key to our apartment. I just didn't really think he'd actually use it.
"Oh uh…. I'm in here Rus!", I call back to him. "I'm just waking up".
"Oh sorry", I hear his voice. "You told me to come over for breakfast today, remember?"
I think to myself then. I guess I did.
Dammit, pregnancy brain!
"I forgot, sorry Rus. But don't worry", I get out of my bed then, pulling a robe over my nightgown, my hair a mess I'm sure. "I'll be out in a sec and we'll have breakfast!"
"Where's Cappie? He's not here I guess?", Rusty asks, his voice full of curiosity.
"Um…", I don't even know how to finish my sentence then as panic overtakes me, my mind still not even fully woken up to deal with this situation.
I shake Cappie's arm then, trying to wake him up.
He really could sleep through anything. I seriously worried that when the baby gets here even her crying won't wake him up.
"Wha-", Cappie let's out in a low morning voice as he starts to open his eyes, looking at me. "Oh… morning Case".
He gives me a grin then, his floppy hair messy, his lips pink as he smirks.
He pulls me over to him then, trying to pull me back onto the bed with him.
"No!", I whisper to him. "Cap this is so not the time!"
"Who are you talking to?", I hear Rusty's voice from outside the door again.
Cappie perks up then, confusion on his face.
"Is that…?", Cappie whispers, giving me a worried look, the reality of Rusty outside my door hitting him now.
I nod up and down to Cap frantically, unsure what the hell we're supposed to do to explain why Cappie was in my bed.
"I'm just… talking to myself, you know me!", I reply to Rusty.
"Oh okay…", I hear a hint of doubt in Rusty's voice. "Casey is… is Cappie in there with you?"
I'm silent then as I cringe, Cappie getting out of bed too so the two of us can stand staring at each other in panic and awkwardness.
"Oh god! Ew, he is isn't he?", I hear Rusty say when I fail to respond, hearing the discomfort in his voice as he finally figures this out.
"We didn't even do anything, calm down Rusty", I groan and then decide to just come totally clean with him, not having enough energy to even make up any reason why he's in my room. I was 9 months pregnant, could barely even get out of bed by myself, let alone move around well, and had just been woken up. Rusty knowing that I sometimes slept in the same bed with my baby's father was low on my list of priorities.
I open the door then to see Rusty standing in a navy blue sweater and jeans as he holds his hands over his eyes.
"You can look man, we both have clothes on", Cappie laughs, standing in a pair of flannel pajama pants and a black tank top.
Rusty moves his hands away slowly to look at us as I roll my eyes at his overdramatic self.
"See, nothing sexual in the slightest", I put my hands on my hips.
"Well, not last night", Cappie says with a smirk as I turn around to glare at him and he shuts up.
"We just… slept in the same bed, it was nothing really", I shrug. "No big deal".
"Kinda seems like a big deal to me when Cappie has his own bed in his own room", Rusty gives me a look, looking from me to Cappie.
"Well Spitter, you see, sleeping in the same bed together barely even touching each other is very low on the totem pole of things I've done with your sister that I would consider a big deal", Cappie jokes. "I mean, you do know she's pregnant right?"
Cappie gestures to my belly and Rusty rolls his eyes at Cappie's joking nature.
"Yes of course I know what you guys have done but I don't really need to know what the hell you guys are doing now that you're… friends with benefits?", He gives us a grimace and then he explains how he knows this. "Ashleigh told me".
"Well", I shrug. "Why don't you just pretend that me and Cappie have never seen each other naked and we go get some breakfast? I'm starving".
Rusty seems to accept this option as he nods up and down and we follow him down the hall.
"I can't believe you invited me over and then forgot about it", Rusty shakes his head with a laugh as we all file down the hall to the kitchen.
"Sorry, I'm a little busy Rusty", I groan, looking down at my large belly.
"Right, sorry. The whole growing a human thing…", Rusty nods. "Well hey, at least she didn't come prematurely right?"
"Yeah, thank god", I sigh. "I'm just gonna go pee, you guys… converse about anything other then the term friends with benefits".
Cappie gives me a mischievous grin then.
"No problem, let's talk pancakes or waffles instead, what do you think Spitter?", Cappie poses the question, this whole morning amusing him so far.
I sigh then as I waddle down the hall to the washroom, closing the door and immediately feeling embarrassment, finally getting a chance to really wake up.
I didn't have coffee for that like the guys did.
I come back to see Cappie using a mixing bowl.
"We decided on pancakes, hopefully that's good with you Case", He gives me a smile.
"Blueberry pancakes actually", Rusty states as he gets some blueberries out of the fridge to add the the batter. "Which I know you love".
"That sounds great to me", I agree with them as I smile and sit down at the table. I didn't even try to sit at the bar stools anymore, otherwise I would need Cappie's help to safely get out of it.
"So you guys, I have a surprise for you after we're done cooking", Rusty gives us both a smile, looking back and forth between the two of us on either sides of the kitchen.
"Oooh, what is it?", I'm suddenly intrigued.
"I'll tell you when we have our food", Rusty gives me a smile as I wait impatiently.
Eventually Cap has used up all the batter and has come out with 6 yummy looking pancakes which he sets down on the table as Rusty passes around plates.
"Mmm", I moan when I take a bite of one. "You're seriously getting good at making these Cap".
I had been having cravings for pancakes multiple times over the past few months, one time in the middle of the night, and Cappie had actually gotten pretty good at cooking them up at this point.
"Well thank you", He gives me a devious smile.
"Hey, I washed the blueberries", Rusty laughs.
"Whatever, just spill your surprise Rus!", I giggle.
"Right! So… you know how I forgot my camera yesterday?", he starts and we nod. "Well I made sure to get it out when I got home from the hospital yesterday and I realized it was full, so I went to go get it developed… And I found a ton of pictures I took of you back at home in Chicago during your first trimester Case".
"Really?", I'm surprised then. "I didn't even know you were taking pictures of me".
"Well yeah because you were so sad about being pregnant, when we got back home in May you told me that you were just going to pretend it wasn't happening", Rusty explains. "But then when you decided not to have the abortion… I thought that maybe you'd want them for later on, even though at the time…"
Rusty trails off, not finishing his sentence.
"At the time I was being delusional and trying to push the fact that I was growing a baby out of my mind?", I finish his sentence with a slight laugh as I think back to my bad mental state in the summer. It really only set in that I was gonna have a baby in mid July. And then I'd come back here at the end of August.
"Yeah, exactly", Rusty nods. "And I know you and me were mad at each other and you were… crying like every day-"
"You were crying every day?", Cappie cuts him off as he looks over to me, looking concerned and serious.
"You're being dramatic Rus, it wasn't every day", I shake my head, and then look to Cappie, not wanting him to know how bad it was.
"Uh… maybe you didn't think I noticed Case, but just about every night, without fail, I would walk past your room and see you laying on your bed with your box of photos looking sad. And… the walls there are paper thin, I could hear you sobbing", Rusty explains awkwardly. "One time I came in to see if you were okay and you were just staring at pictures of the two of you".
Rusty gestures from Cappie to me.
"Looking at pictures of the two of us?", Cappie confirms with me, looking a little confused, or maybe a little touched. Maybe both, I couldn't be sure.
"Well…", I sigh. "I had just gone through the worst breakup of my life with the guy I thought I was going to be with… forever, and then I found out I was carrying his baby all within… like 2 weeks?"
I give them a frown then, feeling a little embarrassed that Rusty is bringing this up.
"I'm sorry Case", is all Cappie says, looking a little lost now, having dropped his fork down and stopped eating in light of this revelation.
"Well, it's fine now", I wave it off. "Anyways Rusty… you really took a bunch of pictures of me without me knowing?"
I give him a confused look.
"Yeah", Rusty shrugs like it's no big deal. "I mean just a few. As soon as you started to grow a bit, I thought maybe you would look back and want to see them. Even if at the time you were still considering adoption".
"I…", I start my sentence and then let out a sigh before speaking again, looking back and forth between them, wanting to tell them the gods honest truth. "I never was actually serious about adoption. I was just keeping the idea going because I knew it was what mom wanted. The truth is… when they did the ultrasound at Planned Parenthood on the day of the abortion… I knew immediately there was no way I wasn't gonna keep her. So I ran out".
I shrug then, recalling that moment. Rusty had been waiting in the waiting room for me and I'd ran out of the exam room, grabbed him, and quickly gotten out of there.
"Well thats the way it should be", Rusty gives me a soft smile then. "You should keep your baby, I'm happy that you guys are".
"Thanks", I give him a small nod.
"Yeah I'm happy too", Cap gives me a soft smile.
"Anyway, I didn't want to make you sad and think back about how hard the summer was, I just thought you might want these for your scrapbook", Rusty walks over to grab his book bag from the couch then and brings it back to the table. "Here, look at this one".
He puts a photo down in front of us of me in a pink bikini laying on a lawn chair in our yard with my sunglasses on, trying to tan.
I feel myself smile at the photo then, remembering that exact day.
"Oh my god, I can't believe you got a photo of this", I laugh. "I put that bathing suit on that day at the beginning of July and thought I was huge, I felt so insecure".
"Yeah and you wouldn't go anywhere, I remember that", Rusty laughs.
"Well I didn't want everyone in our town to know!", I argue with a laugh. "Everyone from high school and stuff".
"Yeah so you hid out in our backyard every day that you weren't at work", Rusty nods.
"You look cute", Cappie smiles looking down at the photo. "It's like the tiniest baby bump ever".
"Yeah it's nothing compared to now", I giggle, looking down at my stomach and how much our baby had grown.
Rusty puts some more photos on the table for us to look at.
One is of me making breakfast in our kitchen in Chicago, my stomach peeking out of my shorts a bit.
"That's around the time a lot of my shorts and skirts began to not fit me", I laugh. "I was so annoyed".
Cappie picks that one up to look at with a grin. I knew he had missed out on the early part of my pregnancy, hadn't seen me when my bump was just forming.
"Look at this one", Rusty snickers and pulls out a photo of me laying on the couch, asleep, my belly peeking out a bit from under my tank top. If we didn't know I was pregnant, it could pass for just bloating.
"You took pictures of me when I was asleep!", I hit Rusty's arm lightly as I laugh.
Cappie seems to take amusement in this, as he looks at Rusty and me with a laugh.
"Hey! You were asleep a lot then, it was a little hard to get pictures of you any other time", he laughs, defending himself.
"Yeah the first trimester is rough, okay?", I laugh. "I slept like a billion hours. When I wasn't barfing my guts up".
"Well anyways I thought maybe you'd want these", Rusty says with a shrug, smiling.
Cappie is still studying some of them, looking at them up close, having completely abandoned his pancakes.
"Well thank you Rusty", I give him a grin. "Even though they were taken without my consent, I'm happy you took them. Because I would've regretted not getting any when my belly was just coming in".
I put my hand on my bump then and smile, thinking about how far I'd come since those days.
I was so lost and depressed then. Felt so scared about being a parent. Especially being a single parent, since I was fairly sure that that was what I was in for. I felt so sad and unsure about growing Cappie's baby, who I still very much was in love with but couldn't talk to.
But now things were so different, had changed in such a short period of time. I wish I could go back and tell that girl that things would work out, that I just had to be brave and come clean to Cappie and he would step up. And that I wouldn't be alone. That I'd fall in love with him all over again. And more than that, we'd fall in love with the baby.
I smile at Cappie, who's busy studying the photos, not even realizing that I was staring at him with so much love in my heart. Looking at him so longingly. But I liked it better this way, so I could just admire him without him even knowing.