Chapter 19: What Purpose is there for Tomorrow?

My old habits found their way to follow me once again. A day after that meeting I had with Delilah on the rooftop, I just gave up on going to class, let alone practice. Not too long ago I had lamented being stuck in solitude and yet there I was, back in my dormitory, waiting for time to pass me by once again. After about the second or third day I lost track of time and simply wallowed in my bed. Neither the sun nor the moon gave me any solace nor did the prayers I recited. I was stuck with what I had wished to not fall upon once again. The well still ran dry and the thoughts in my head ran empty as I continued to experience my existence. Apathy, cynicism, I just found nothing to think about anymore. Truly a return to form after all the months I spent thinking that I had a chance to break the cycle. It was then I wished to have that bottle of wine again. Perhaps the first time I drowned my sorrows was just a fluke.

My thoughts only continued to circle along that. Maybe, in the end, I never did have any friends after all. My family has made it clear who I am and it was proven by my own actions shortly after. Every time I looked at the clock, I saw that hours had passed and the days stopped mattering as my windows were still covered. All of that came to a stop when I heard a knock at the door. I leapt to my feet with and put my spectacles back on and rushed to the door.

"Who is it?" I asked.

"It's me," I heard Delilah say as I looked through the peek hole and saw her alongside Dixie standing outside my dormitory.

I opened the door and I saw the commander of the Stonewall look down as soon as she was no longer obscured. "Come in."

Both commanders entered and I saw Dixie struggle to look me in the eye throughout that time. I had trouble composing myself in that time as well. While I did feel relieved to see them before me, I couldn't help but also feel resentment as well as plain frustration. For how many days did it take for Delilah to convince Dixie to come see me? Yes, she did come after all, but she can't even face me?

"Have a seat," I told the two as I walked to the kitchen and began making some tea. I heard the chairs move and looked to see the team captain put a hand on Dixie's shoulder who looked tense and could not look away from the table in front of her. As the tea was brewing, I grabbed some pastry snacks and brought them to the girls.

"It's been a long day," I told them. "It will be okay."

Delilah took a deep breath before nodding. "Thank you, Johnny."

Dixie, however, remained quiet.

Hissing came from the tea kettle that then turned into metallic screaming which got me to return to the kitchen and get a plastic pitcher put many tea bags inside. I poured the hot water into each one and saw the liquid get filtered by the leaves inside the bags. Only a couple of minutes had passed before I took the bags out and poured plenty of sugar in each and stirred until the drinks were ready. All that was left to do was to get three cups and fill them to the brim with ice and brought them to the table. I then poured in each cup and waited for both girls to begin drinking. Thankfully, it didn't take long for either Delilah or Dixie to enjoy their southern style iced tea.

Minutes passed us by before I realized I had to be the one to start the conversation. "How are you feeling, Dixie?"

She immediately set her cup down and coiled to herself before being able to get any words to leave her mouth. "I'm... Alright."

It was obvious she did not feel like that and I was stuck as Delilah refused to join in on the discussion and sort things out. It is rather difficult when you have the reins and when you were just part of the background for as far as you could remember. I turned to Delilah and made sure she was looking at me before I started speaking again. "What all have I missed since I got suspended?"

Delilah took another sip of tea. "We only have a few days before we face off against our last opponent, Ryneveld. We've won our last two matches against Kunaev and Tolui."

"It sounds like you girls have been doing very well without me," I said as I drank some tea myself.

Delilah kept her composure but I could see her give her glass a white knuckle grip after hearing that. "Regardless, Dixie and I would like to see you back."

I turned back to the commander of the Stonewall. "Is that true?"

Dixie could only nod. Her lack of action led me to take off my spectacles and rub at my forehead.

"I've made sure the other girls will not insult or threaten you, should you return," Delilah added.

"Delilah, you could've just gotten another-"

"No." Her voice was firm but not loud enough to startle anyone. "We've been over this already."

"Yes," I conceded. "We have. But, what does she have to say about it?" We both turned our gaze to Dixie who looked to be terrified to need to answer. I knew this was going nowhere, but I needed her to answer to me. "Delilah, could you give us a moment?"

"Of course," she answered as she walked out the dormitory and closed the door behind her.

There was nothing left in the room aside from the tea that I resumed drinking, allowing the sweetness invade and conquer my mouth as I waited for the girl next to me to begin talking. I was only met by the sound of my clock ticking and tocking. After a while, I began counting each tick and tock until I reached fifty.

"Are you okay?" I asked her.

Whatever little composure Dixie had collapsed. She began crying and cover her face with her hands. "I'm so sorry!"

I gave her no response as she continued to cry. All I did was get up from my seat and watched.

"Dixie..." I paused as I handed her a handkerchief. "There is a lot we need to talk about."

She took the cloth and began to wipe her tears away. I sat beside her and we both waited for her to calm down enough.

"Did... Did your tankmates prevent you from seeing me?" I asked as she gave me back the cloth.

She took a deep, stuttering breath as she held back tears. "No. They didn't."

Not only did I feel a knife dig its way into my heart, I also felt a pang in my brain. A quick, sharp, spontaneous ripple in my head as those three words echoed in my ears. "Why?"

"I was afraid. I was afraid of facing you after you got in trouble with that bottle of wine Delilah got you while we were in New Orleans. I just couldn't bring myself to see you after you were suspended."

I felt my right hand contort into a fist upon hearing her reasoning. "After everything. This is what you chose. I needed you, and you turned your back to me."

Dixie's face melted into pure guilt and shame as she looked down and held her arms together. "I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me. I regret letting my insecurities and fears get the best of me. I really do."

In that moment, I felt the fury that had been building up within me. Ever since that day I woke up locked in my dormitory I had nothing to truly feel. Seeing Dixie after all that time, hearing apologies and excuses. I wanted to hit her after all that. But, it was a struggle to keep that fire going. In the end, it was my fault for crawling into that wine bottle instead of asking Dixie to stay and help me. "Just know this, I won't pretend I'm not hurt by what you did."

"I didn't mean to hurt you, Johnny. Please, I didn't mean for this." She finally looked up and our eyes finally met throughout the whole conversation. Looking into the windows of Dixie's soul, I saw the vulnerabilities she uncovered for this moment. I straightened my back and made sure she would not avert her gaze as I stared deep into her.

"I forgive you, Dixie. But you need to make sure that your fears and insecurities don't consume you again. I know I haven't always been the best and you have helped me. Let's try to move so tomorrow doesn't end up like the past few weeks."

Dixie's eyes filled up with tears once again. "I promise to not let you down again."

I got up from my chair and extended my hand to her. "Very well, commander."

She took my hand and I helped her to her feet before pulling her into a tight embrace. I felt both her quick breath and rapid heart beat as I let her look me in the eyes once again. Neither of us were sure what we were supposed to do as well as what we could do in that moment. My face was running red as I made sure to kiss her on the cheek once again. I may have lacked the courage to go further, but I would say we made a good enough distance. We separated and began walking to the door.

Once it was opened, I made sure Delilah could hear me. "You will see me at practice tomorrow!"

"I'll hold you to that!" Even if I wasn't wearing my spectacles then, I could've seen Delilah's face brighten with a smile upon hearing me say that.

There was nothing left to do after Delilah and Dixie left my dormitory and faded away into the night. I could only get ready for bed, have all the windows cleared, and sleep knowing that whatever came for me will not allow any method of granting me ease of catching up. Kinda my own fault in that regard as well. It was no matter. Falling asleep happened to be one of my few specialties. Maybe one day, I could give myself a challenge and sleep during practice. I chuckled to myself thinking about that, getting Delilah riled up because I found her tankery to be nothing more than a lullaby to help me waste the day.

The next morning greeted me with the sun's rays shining through my room and forcing my eyelids to open. I looked to my clock and I saw that there was plenty of time before homeroom was to begin. There was the temptation to go back to sleep since I have time to kill but, I made a promise to Delilah last night. I can't skip any period to be allowed to attend the next practice. Officially, that is. It truly felt underwhelming to be wearing my uniform once again. The grey coat, leather boots, hardee hat, suspenders, they all just felt like they were just neglected in my times of anguish and melodrama. It only took me a good twenty minutes to get everything on and look presentable enough to get back to class. My spectacles were on and I was out the door to be greeted by mostly indifference this time around. I guess enough time had gone for anyone to really hold a reason to glare at me.

I guess it was just old news by that point.