Back on Coruscant, I am drafting the paperwork for my resignation. An enormous handover document about all the work I have done as Senator for Naboo, with recommendations for the future of that work. And a list of Nubian colleagues that would do good in this role during this dark time. It breaks my heart to leave things unfinished. But as democracy crumbles around me, I must for once prioritise my own safety, and the safety of the little ones I carry.
I am only able to avoid Anakin for so long without arousing suspicion. Two days after my return, he appears at my door. My handmaidens know to let him in but stick around. Hair handsomely dishevelled, he looks bone tired. Upon seeing me, he rushes to gather me in his arms, unspoken pregnant bump between us. He kisses me tenderly and I let him, supressing welling tears. If only I could lose myself in the memory of such kisses. But my every sense is on high alert.
"Padmé," he breathes into my hair. "It has been so long."
"Too long," I agree. "Are you okay? How was your mission?"
He meets my gaze and there is fear in his eyes. "The mission was fine. The Chancellor is safely home, and Count Dooku won't trouble us any longer. But Padmé… I had a dream."
"A dream?"
"The only thing that keeps me going in this war is knowing that when I come home, you will be here. That thought has sustained me through countless battles these past months. But I am always so afraid that something might happen to you."
A cold hand curls around my heart. "Ani, tell me about your dream."
He hangs his head and pulls a little away from me. "I dreamed… I dreamed you were pregnant, and that you died in childbirth." His human hand reaches out to smooth my swelling belly. "And I see that at least part of that dream is true."
"It is just a dream," I suggest feebly, trying to convince myself.
"My dreams are rarely just dreams. It felt a lot like the dreams I had before my mother died."
"And the baby? Did they survive?"
He shakes his head. "I don't know. But Padmé, I will not let this dream become reality, not this time. I am more powerful than I have ever been, and I will find a way to save you."
Turbulent emotions battle within me and I don't know what to say.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asks.
"I wanted to tell you in person, not while you were in a war zone," I lie. "But yes, Ani, I am pregnant. Are you at all happy about that?"
He pulls me close. "This is the best and worst day of my life. But I won't let this baby become a curse."
"Sometimes dreams are just dreams. And sometimes, Ani, you are not in control. I can fight my own battles too."
"I wasn't strong enough to save my mum, but I will be strong enough to save you." He kisses me again and I surrender to it for a moment; one moment to imagine surviving this pregnancy and raising our children together, before reality sets in again.
He stays the night, and we don't speak of his dream again, though I can see that it haunts him in every line of his body. Instead, he asks about my trip to Naboo and I tell him about visiting the queen, but I omit any mention of the "not-lake house." That place must be secret even from the person with whom I am practiced at keeping secrets. He tells me in more detail about his recent adventures in the field, and I am shocked again by how mundane violence has become to him. At least he is only cutting down droids – and sometimes Sith. I had hoped fighting alongside Obi-Wan might balance him, but Anakin has always been better at doing than listening.
Esmé is in the second bedroom, unbeknownst to my husband. She will not sleep tonight, but keep watch as my night sentinel, Captain Typho's code ready on her comm if things go south. Though handmaidens trained in hand-to-hand combat and my blaster-wielding head of security could not do much against an unleashed Anakin. I am trusting that he will not get dangerous here.
Anakin is peacefully asleep beside me, all violence gone from the slow rise and fall of his chest. I am struggling to hold multiple truths at once. To reconcile this soft, gentle Anakin with the wartime general capable of slaughtering innocent and guilty alike. Somehow I, too, drift off to sleep, Anakin's hand against my belly.
I wake in the dead of night to find Anakin gone from the bed. He stands by the balcony, gazing out at a sleepless city.
"What is it, Ani?" I murmur.
"I had the dream again. You were screaming in pain and calling my name, but I couldn't save you."
"Come back to bed. We won't solve this now."
He shakes his head. "I don't think I can sleep, but you get some rest."
In the morning, Anakin has already left my apartment. I sigh with a mixture of relief and grief as Hanné brings me breakfast.
"Good morning, Milady. All is well?"
I grimace. "As well as it can be, Hanné."
"Irdé said there are some messages that have come through for you early this morning that you should read urgently. But I say breakfast first."
I eat what she has prepared but cannot enjoy the taste, the memory of Anakin's dream souring my mouth. As Hanné readies my Senatorial robes for the day, Irdé enters with my datapad.
"Good morning, Milady."
"Morning, Irdé. What have you got for me?"
She grins. "Another clandestine summons from Senator Bail Organa, without an agenda. He wants to see you this afternoon; and it's unclear whether others will also be present."
I nod. "See if Dormé is available to accompany me and reshuffle my meetings to make it work."
"Must be an important meeting," she remarks, eyebrow raised.
"It is, and you know better than to stick your nose in it."
"Yes, Milady."
I hope desperately for a future where I do not juggle so many secrets, but the likelihood of that diminishes rapidly with each day the twins grow inside me.