Was he the problem? Was that why he was so easy to discard? It had happened to him his whole life, from his parents, to Maddie, to pretty much every person he'd ever dated. They'd keep him around until they either got bored of him or found something better. And most of the time, he didn't even get the courtesy of closure.
His thing with Eddie was new and probably not even technically official, but it felt special from the start. Like there was a spark between them that he'd never felt before. And Buck had convinced himself that it was the real deal. Eddie was mature and caring and wasn't treating what they had as something to pass the time. But maybe he was wrong.
Buck had seen that Eddie was off ever since the night shift they worked together after his school tour. Eddie hadn't said anything, but Buck could tell. When the last shift had them making plans for a date, the difference couldn't be ignored. He hoped at first that it was just cold feet, but it was a lot more complicated than that.
He probably should've clocked the sporadic texts and known not to show up at Eddie's house unannounced, but Buck had impulse control issues. The excitement of making a decision about Abby had taken over and he couldn't wait a second longer. And it was definitely an in person conversation to have. Buck was convinced that Eddie would be happy for the new development. Eddie had taken such a big step to introduce him to his son and this didn't compare in weight, but it was a start. Little did he know, none of it would matter anymore.
Buck was happy for him, really. A family coming back together was the basis of so many feel good movies and books. Only the villain rooted against it and Buck was no villain. At least, he didn't want to be. He wanted to be mature enough to step aside and be confident in his decision, instead of feeling hurt. But dammit, it hurt.
Buck knew he was setting himself up for emotional pain when he put his Buck 1.0 persona in the past. Now that he was opening up himself to people, he ran the risk of being hurt. There was the chance for reward as well, but he knew most relationships didn't work out. Eddie felt like his reward.
It wasn't always easy, but the good things aren't supposed to be easy. If you don't have to put in work sometimes, what's the point? But the stresses they faced seemed normal, not insurmountable. There was work stress, family stress, and past stress they hadn't delved into yet, but at the end of the day, Buck still felt good about where they were. Now Buck was alone in his truck and Eddie was back with his wife.
He drove around aimlessly for a bit, wondering where he should go. Now that he thought about it, he didn't have a plan after leaving Abby's. He knew he couldn't stay with Eddie, since Christopher was there and it was too soon for something like that. Now it was too late.
A hotel was an option, but being alone sounded awful. Maddie would take him in in a heartbeat, but she was settling into her new place and deserved her privacy and independence. There was Bobby, but since he was spending most of his time with Athena, he didn't want to get in the way. Hen and Karen's house was an option, but they had Denny and again, he didn't want to get in the way. That only left one option.
"Hey Buck, what are you doing here?" Chimney asked, answering his door with a curious look on his face. Buck plastered on a smile, hiding the fact that he was about to ask a really big favor.
"Hey Chim, wanna watch the game?"
Buck was able to avoid Eddie for the first few hours of their shift. It was slow, so there weren't any calls, but there were always chores. Buck made sure to volunteer for the ones that involved other people, so even if Eddie tried to steal a moment with him, there was always someone else around. From what Buck could tell, Eddie didn't try to get near him. He wasn't sure if that made him relieved or disappointed.
When the call came in for a disturbance on the freeway, there was no more avoiding him. Especially when Bobby paired them up to deal with the woman, Lola, standing on the traffic sign. They got to work, with none of their usual banter. Was Buck always the one who initiated it? Had he been the one pushing everything from the start? He probably had and was too ignorant to see that Eddie wasn't into it as much as he was.
"Buck's secure," Eddie said into his radio as he triple checked the ropes connected to him. A day ago, Buck would've made a joke about Eddie being the nervous one, even though he wasn't the one climbing over the side of an overpass. A lot could change in a day.
"Stand by until I give the word," Bobby replied. Buck stared down at the chaos, wondering if he'd ever be desperate enough to do something like this. He knew what it was like to do crazy things to get attention. His parents would have a ton of stories, if what he did ever worked. Buck never got close to doing anything like this to bring Abby back. Would he for Eddie?
Taylor Kelly's voice drifted up to them during a lull in the yelling and Buck could see Eddie tense out of the corner of his eye. It was a little petty, but Buck got a little joy out of seeing Eddie annoyed. Taylor wasn't his favorite person either, but she didn't bother him. Not like she did Eddie.
Bobby finally gave them the go ahead, so Buck carefully climbed over the side of the overpass. Lola wasn't even paying attention to him, distracted by her rantings and the rescue cushion the others were dragging into position. He hoped neither of them would need to land on it, but it was nice to have it there just in case. That was, until Lola pulled out a gun from who knows where and shot it. And then pointed it at him. The cushion didn't seem so bad now.
People started running and yelling and Athena was barking orders, but Buck was focused on the gun that was aimed in his direction. He heard Eddie snorting out angry breaths and the line connecting them was taut, like he was a second away from pulling him up like a toy dog on a leash. He'd probably be able to, if Eddie's adrenaline level was the same as Buck's. Being held at gunpoint was not fun. And actually being shot was probably less fun.
When Lola finally pointed the gun away from him, Buck tried to talk to her. They weren't so different, if you got down to the bare bones of it all. Lola just wanted to be acknowledged by the person she cared about, same as him. Buck had a lot of recent experience in that area.
"I was in a relationship where I thought it could build into something special, but she wasn't in it with me like I was with her. And I sat so long, waiting for her to come back. Holding myself back because I thought that was what I needed to do. But it didn't work. So I tried to move on and find someone else who could make me feel the way I wanted to feel, but it still wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. We have to stop worrying about other people and start putting ourselves first, because at the end of the day, we're all we've got." Buck could feel Eddie's gaze burning a hole in the side of his face, but he didn't dare look up. He was only planning on bringing up Abby, but a little more slipped out. And Eddie was smart enough to know Buck was talking about him.
Lola's husband finally showed up and they talked. Buck got caught up in their story, smiling softly as Norman declared his love for his wife. Maybe he was a sap for happy endings, but was that so bad? To want to see people get what they want? Buck hadn't gotten his, but he still had hope.
When Lola heard what she needed to hear, it was finally time to get back on solid ground. Buck braced her as she got a little weak-kneed, using the opportunity to take the gun away from her. He wordlessly passed it up to Eddie, who secured it quickly before helping them both back up over the ledge. Eddie sent Lola off with another firefighter before grabbing Buck by the wrist, looking him over as if he hadn't been three feet away the entire time. Buck let him, since even though they weren't in the best place at the moment, he understood the need to make sure the other was okay. Eddie didn't look satisfied, but he let Buck go, moving over to lead Lola to the back of the ambulance to check her over as well.
Buck stood next to the ambulance, watching as the police worked to get everything cleared out and traffic flowing again. His job was over for this call, unless someone happened to crash or something. Bobby came over to check on him after a while and Buck assured him that he was okay. Being held at gunpoint wasn't ideal, but it was a good distraction from his own drama. Even though he drew comparisons between himself and Lola, he didn't really have time to worry about what was going on with Eddie.
When Lola was given the all clear and briefly reunited with her husband, Eddie took the opportunity to grab Buck by the arm and drag him around to the other side of the ambulance, where there weren't as many people. Most of the others were watching the arrest, so no one was paying attention to them. Buck used to live for these stolen moments, but this wasn't going to be like it was before.
"Are you okay?" Eddie demanded, looking him straight in the eye. He looked so fiery and Buck was almost turned on, but he tamped down on those feelings. Eddie was a married man. He had been before as well, but now he felt extra married.
"I'm fine," Buck scoffed, trying to pull away. Eddie held tight, never breaking his gaze.
"Buck, I'm serious. You were held at gunpoint and that's-" Eddie cut himself off, pursing his lips. Buck wanted to keep brushing Eddie off, since he didn't want to get into a deep conversation with the man, but he could tell this was really bothering him. Buck wasn't heartless and regardless of how their budding relationship ended, they were going to have to work together. And he did want to have a friendship with him at the very least.
"I'm fine," Buck said again, a bit more sincerely this time. "She was never planning on hurting me, I just got caught up in her breakdown. It was kind of kismet though, right? With how we could relate to each other?"
"About what you said. About last night-"
"Isn't really the place for it."
"Tonight? After our shift's over?"
"Can't. I'm going out with Chimney." Buck really hoped the other man didn't have plans already.
"Oh." Eddie looked like a kicked puppy. Shouldn't he be spending his nights with his wife? "Okay."
"Looks like we're about to load up," Buck said, finally freeing his arm from Eddie's grasp. He looked like he wanted to argue, but Buck walked away before he could say anything. Buck wasn't ready to be forgiving and understanding. He wanted to be upset and annoyed and make dumb decisions. That was what he was going to do that night.
Buck didn't want to do any of that anymore. He trailed after Chimney as they walked into the bar, looking around with a grimace. Bars used to be one of his favorite places to frequent. You never knew who you'd meet there and more often than not, Buck would end up having a good time. But something had changed in him when he started seeing Abby. And those changes had been solidified when he met Eddie. The allure of letting loose was gone.
Buck brought up how strange he felt, now that he was single. Chimney of course thought he was talking about Abby, which he partially was. But before last night, he'd considered himself a taken man, just not by her. No one else could know about that though.
There were options at the bar. A very attractive woman was at the bar doing interesting things with her tongue. And there were a couple guys shooting him glances too, but he wasn't ready to go down that route. He was ready to go down that route with Eddie, but he was special. Eddie was the kind of guy who made you question everything you thought about yourself.
Buck made the choice to pretend his whole hang up was about Abby and not wanting to go back to his old ways. Chim was there and willing to talk, so he was going to take advantage of the opportunity. And then his sister showed up and it got a little weird.
Buck sat back in his seat, watching as Chimney and Maddie took to the stage. A night that was supposed to be about him drowning his sorrows and getting his head back into the game had turned into him being a third wheel. Again. How did this keep happening to him? How was he always left on the outside? Chimney and Maddie, Eddie and his wife, Abby and her freedom. Everyone always had something or someone better to go toward and Buck was left with nothing.
He walked over to the bar, planning to order himself another beer. Before he could say anything, a glass of bourbon was placed in front of him. Buck followed the bartender's gaze, finding a smirking Taylor Kelly sitting at the other end of the bar. This was dangerous.
"Thanks for the drink," Buck said, sliding onto the stool next to Taylor. There was no harm in talking to someone he knew.
"I couldn't stand to watch you drink another IPA," Taylor replied, tapping the rim of her glass against Buck's.
"You watched me drink the first one?" Buck asked, raising an eyebrow at her.
"I notice things," Taylor shrugged, jerking her chin toward the karaoke stage. "Chimney got a girlfriend?"
"Not a girlfriend. That's my sister," Buck denied, feeling some sort of way about the thought of his sister dating. He loved both of them and could admit that they had the potential to be good together, but Maddie was still dealing with a lot when it came to her ex.
"Right," Taylor scoffed, taking a long sip of her drink. "So, where's your guard dog?"
"My what?"
"Eddie. Seemed like when I was doing my story on you guys, he didn't like to let you out of his sight."
"Well, we work together, so of course he was always around." Buck racked his brain, trying to think if they'd done anything too obvious while Taylor was around. Eddie was probably too careful for that.
"And tonight?"
"No Eddie."
"So you're doing the third wheel thing tonight. Not a very good look for you."
"It was supposed to be just me and Chimney, like a guys night. Maddie was a surprise."
"And Eddie wasn't invited to guys night?"
"He's…" Married, "busy."
"I guess that means I have you all to myself," Taylor purred, running her finger along the rim of her glass. Buck cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. What was the right move here? He was technically untethered, so he had no one to answer to. A grown man could make grown man choices. And if Taylor was willing, why not? It wasn't like it had to lead anywhere or mean anything. This could be Buck 1.0's last hurrah.
But the thing that was making him hesitate was Eddie. Eddie, who was probably having a romantic dinner with his wife and not thinking about him at all. Eddie, who had dropped him without so much as an explanation. Maybe Buck hadn't really given him the chance to explain, but he didn't think a few words would help. And it wouldn't change the fact that Buck wasn't the person he chose.
But as dumb as it might've been, Buck still held out hope. Call him an optimist, but he thought this thing with Eddie had a chance to work. It might take some time and maybe a miracle or two, but stranger things had happened. Like Taylor kissing him right now.
"Whoa! No!" Buck shouted, jumping up from his seat. A few of the people around them were staring, but he couldn't worry about that right now.
"Really? I'm pretty sure you've been flirting with me since we met," Taylor pointed out, crossing her arms over her chest and staring at him in amusement.
"That's- I was being friendly!" Buck denied. Sue him for being an extrovert.
"Uh huh."
"See, if this were a few months ago, I would've kept going. I would've let my libido control me, taken you to the bathroom, and showed you the time of your life. It wouldn't have even mattered that I'd still be able to hear my sister singing in the background. But I'm not that guy anymore. Ten minutes of fun isn't worth my self respect."
"Ten minutes?"
"A bar bathroom isn't really the place for a marathon. More like a sprint."
"I've always been a fan of long distance events."
"I appreciate the offer, or interest, but I can't. It's not you, it's me."
"Ah, the killing blow," Taylor sighed, standing up and putting her hand on his cheek. "We could've had a lot of fun. Call me if you change your mind. I'll see if I can fit you in." Buck watched as Taylor sauntered away, practically oozing sex with every sway of her hips. He couldn't help but wonder if he'd made a mistake. This night out was supposed to help him figure out what to do next, but now he was more confused than ever.
It was a curious trend, but it seemed like certain calls they would get were closely related to issues he was dealing with at the time. Now was no different. So many calls involved couples. It was like the universe wanted to remind him how alone he was. If even robbery perpetrators and victims were making love connections while he couldn't he was screwed. But no matter how desperate he was, he wouldn't listen to the opinion of someone who was being wheeled off to jail.
The call with the newlyweds was nerve-wracking. Car accidents were always tricky, especially when they weren't on the road anymore. And while Buck always wanted to save the people they helped, some losses felt like they held more weight in the moment. The idea of someone dying on their wedding day was almost too depressing to consider. The first day of the rest of their life couldn't also be their last.
They worked into the night to get the couple out of the car. They got the bride out easily enough, but the groom was a different story. Eddie was working on keeping the man alive and stable, while Buck was outside of the car, working with Bobby on how to get him out. After some good thinking on Bobby's part, they were finally able to get the car into a spot where they could access the groom and get him into the ambulance. It was a job well done and another shift where Buck was able to avoid the difficult conversation looming over him.
"You got fired for having sex in the fire truck?" Maddie asked incredulously, staring at Buck over the bags of takeout on the counter.
"Only temporarily," Buck replied with a grimace, glaring at Chimney for opening his big mouth. Who knew his colleague was such a popular guy, having guests over so often. The fact that it was his sister Chimney always seemed to be hanging out with made him feel weird. They had this whole dynamic going that seemed very comfortable already.
"Believe me, he was a wild one," Chimney laughed, not threatened at all by his look. Probably because Buck was depending on him right now. He really needed to get his own place.
"But I've changed," Buck argued. At the twin disbelieving stares, he continued. "I have! I don't do stuff like that anymore!"
"Really?" Chimney scoffed, walking over to the couch with Maddie with their arms full of food.
"I had the chance to be Buck 1.0 again and I didn't take it. That's growth."
"When was this?"
"The night at the bar."
"You were going to hook up with someone when we were all out together?" Maddie asked, scrunching up her nose in disgust.
"But I didn't."
"With who? The glass licker?"
"The glass licker?"
"No, Taylor."
"Who's Taylor?"
"Taylor Kelly? News reporter Taylor?"
"Yeah," Buck sighed, rubbing his forehead. There was definitely a headache brewing.
"Start at the beginning," Maddie said, taking a big sip of her glass of wine. Buck gave a brief explanation of the call they'd met Taylor on, plus her deciding to do a story on their station. He left out some of the unsavory details, like her wanting to show what happened with Bobby and Eddie reaming her out after.
"She bought me a drink at the bar and we started talking. One thing led to another and-"
"I don't want to hear that!" Maddie exclaimed, slapping her hands over her ears.
"She kissed me and I pulled away," Buck finished, rolling his eyes.
"Why'd you stop?" Chimney asked, earning a disgusted look from Maddie. "I just mean that it isn't like Buck to turn down an obvious win like that."
"Just what a big sister likes to hear," Maddie huffed.
"It didn't feel right. It wasn't what I wanted," Buck mumbled. She wasn't who he wanted, but he couldn't say that. He wanted Eddie to be the one sitting there, not Taylor.
"And how did she take that? I didn't interact with her much, but Taylor did not seem like the type to appreciate rejection."
"She was fine about it. I told her it was my hang-up and nothing to do with her. I still felt guilty though, so I met up with her the other night to apologize."
"And how did that go?"
"She propositioned me for sex in her news van."
"Buck!"
"I didn't do it!"
"Youth is wasted on the young," Chimney sighed, shaking his head. Maddie and Chimney fell into a sickeningly flirtatious debate about Buck's love life, which he purposefully tuned out. Even if they weren't ready to admit they were in a relationship, they definitely were. Buck tried not to feel bitter about it, since he wanted his sister to be happy, but it just made him feel even more alone.
Buck's phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out, reading the name on the screen. Eddie's face was staring back at him, all smiles and happiness. He'd snapped the photo of the man the day that Christopher had been at the station. Eddie was standing back, watching Christopher ham it up with Hen and Bobby. He'd looked so happy and content that Buck couldn't resist having a piece of that moment to cherish forever.
Buck bit his lip, contemplating what to do. If he answered, he'd have to talk to Eddie, even if it was to brush him off again. If he didn't, he'd just be prolonging the inevitable. They were going to have to speak again to get closure. And so they could keep working together well in the field. Buck couldn't react emotionally, even though part of him wanted to. Maturing was not all it was cracked up to be.
"Who was that?" Maddie asked, watching as Buck slid his unanswered phone back into his pocket. He sighed, slumping back into his chair.
"Being Buck 2.0 sucks."
Buck's issues seemed so insignificant sometimes. He watched as Eddie and Bobby lowered Mitchell to the ground, laying a sheet over his body. Buck sat with his husband, Thomas, as he told him about their lives together. It was heartbreaking and sweet and hit Buck in a place so deep that he could barely deal with it. He'd never felt a love so intense and didn't know if he ever would, but he craved it unlike anything else.
Buck led Thomas to his husband's body, giving him a chance to say goodbye. He walked over to where a few photos were scattered, picking them up so they could be put safely back into the album. The pictures told their story. A story of love spanning over decades. A love that overcame obstacles. If it could happen for them, couldn't it happen for him?
Buck walked back over to where Thomas and Mitchell were, wanting to check on the man. He put his hand on Thomas' shoulder, but when the man didn't react, he knew something was wrong. Buck shifted him a little and saw that he was unresponsive.
He called out for Eddie first, before hastily saying Bobby's name as well. Maybe he called for Eddie because he was the field medic, but maybe it was more than that too. Now wasn't the time to unpack that. They quickly got to work, rolling Thomas onto his back and performing CPR. Buck was so lost in the motions that he didn't realize the man was gone until Bobby was pulling him back.
He sat there stunned for a few seconds, wondering how this could've happened. Thomas didn't have any injuries on him as far as they knew. And he seemed to be in good enough health for a man his age. How could something like this happen?
Eddie's hand landed comfortingly on his shoulder and it helped snap Buck out of his stupor. He looked down, seeing where the two husbands were connected hand in hand. Thomas had told him in the back of the ambulance that they always planned on going together. Was their love so strong that they couldn't survive without each other? Was not even the universe powerful enough to keep them apart?
Eddie led Buck away as Bobby took care of making the calls for the second body. He sat him down on the back of the ambulance, before using his body to block Buck from seeing where the two men were lying.
"Buck-"
"We should talk. I'm sorry I've been avoiding you, but we should talk," Buck said quickly. What if he was the person stopping Eddie and Shannon from having what Thomas and Mitchell had? He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he was the reason they didn't get the ending they deserved.
"Okay," Eddie agreed, sounding a bit confused. "When?"
"After our shift today? I can text you an address." This was probably a conversation best held on neutral ground.
"Yeah, I can do that," Eddie confirmed. Buck tried to convince himself this was the right thing to do, even though the thought of it threatened to shatter him. But he couldn't be selfish. He owed it to Eddie and Shannon and Christopher to be the bigger person and take a step back. And once it was finished, Buck 2.0 could figure out how to be happy being alone.