insecticide

by lalamay lucky

this story is experimental read at your own discretion

I woke up to the sun peeking through my window, I was about to go back to sleep when I quickly realized it was morning it bothered me how bright everything was my eye's weren't ready for the light of day when I rose from my bed and opened them.

I picked up the phone on my bedside table worried I'd be late for my job since I didn't hear the alarm going off, which I was never really late but for some reason, I was just always worried I would be my personality is a combination of being worried and up tite all the time with being laid back and working myself up so much by the worrying that I get mentally tired and begin to let my responsibilities slip and eventually not worry about it until the process starts all over/

I got up out of my bed and walked out the door of my bedroom and down the hall to where my kitchen was. walking through the opening that leads into my dinning room then into the kitchen I looked at the coffee pot I had sitting on my kitchen container.

I usually didn't make myself coffee I had I only owned a coffee pot in the first place because I had gotten it as a gift last year and just didn't get rid of it but it was next to my toaster and above my oven to the right. looking at the pot itself wondering if I was at suck a low point, would I really use it today I grabbed it filled it with cold water and poured the contents into the back turning it on. I was so tired I needed something to give me a boost of energy. I had been having a hard time sleeping because of all of the overtime I had been working so today I thought I'd make coffee for myself I figured since I never drink coffee it should have a better effect on me helping me to wake me up a little bit. I had fifty minutes before it was time for me to leave. thinking to myself. I walked over to the table and sat down.

I sat and waited for my coffee to be ready. I liked mixing it with French vanilla creamer really anything sweet. I hated it when my coffee was too earthy or black I understand why older people drank it that way for health reasons but I always hated the taste of it I was bound to get diabetes when I got older. I couldn't stand the taste of earthy and or black coffee. still, in a tired stump, half awake or dead whatever you wanna call it, I walked over to my kitchen table which was squarish it was square but the corners were round I grabbed the chair and pulled it out I sat down waiting for it the coffee pot to be filled with hot and ready coffee. I also know this is a weird tid bite about myself but I actually don't like things super hot unless there freshly cooked. I liked to drink drinks that were supposed to be hot warm instead of boiling hot so I could drink them instead of sipping on them over a period of time.

I walked into the kitchen and sat down at my dining room table which again was square but had round edges. I had gotten a square one because of a relationship I was previously in. obviously that relationship fell apart because I'm now talking to you while I'm single. if your wondering what happened between us the usual we liked each other at first got to know each other and then she rippedmy fucking heart out. that shit just happens. I had gotten it because she had liked it better then the one I had picked out now regretting this table which a really didn't like that sat In my dinnning room kitchen. when I had a moment to myself I would think about her. and how much it had hurt when she left me. as usual that relationship didn't work out now all I have is a reminder - this table, I was really sad about it but what can you do.

Still, I have hope I mean kinda, sorta I'm loosing it a little more every year, every day, every month but I guess not having someone to answer to can be fun. It's freeing maybe I'll just spend the rest of my life alone but to be completely honest its noce not to be dealing with the constant stress of being in a relationship. I know relationships arn't supposed to make you feel bad if you have a good parnter but I don't do well at picking them.

while sitting at the kitchen I thought to myself, it had been years since I had been in a serious relationship. on one hand it was nice being alone because you had peace and you really didn't have to answer to soemone else but I did miss the intimacy being so close with someone being able to share myself a nd be myself with someone. that was so nice I was so tired I put my head down on the table and let out a grown. I then heard a noise outside my house "that was werid" I thought to myself it sounded like they were doing construction on the street beside my house. I was afraid to look hoping it wasn't on the street next to my house that's going to be a hassle to drive through.

I got up out of the chair and away from the square table with round edges and sluggishly made my way to the bathroom. I wondered why they were doing construction outside it was very unusual for them to be doing that right outside my house. I lived in a nice suburban neighborhood that I scratched every penny and gave my tears blood and sweat to live in. not some shitty apartment in the city like where I used to live which wasn't that bad but it was getting crapped. it was just so rare and unusual to hear that kind of noise outside my house. but it was nice to be reminded of living in the city. remembering buying over priced juice from the shitty coffee place down the street because the less expensive one was to far away and I didn't make enough money to fill my car up with enough gass to be wasting a trip just for juice every other day. I was tired then more so then I am now constantly out of focus, stressed and just surviving.

I do that less now but I can't really stand the place I work at and my being replaced of being constantly stess ny the constant grind of trying to surive of trying just to keep my head above water and just plain surviving has become a boring and mundane place where every day seems no different then the last I do the same thing everyday and although I could go on vacation I don't have the time now trying to pay off this house. and dealing with all the bill's for this place I have to and not with the overtime I'm working

there's only so many jobs a butterfly like me can get. by the way yes if your wondering I'm not human I am a butterfly my name is leno. I didn;t know about you guys until later on but that's a story for much, much later down the road. the way my system works is strange you'll have different bugs who can only do certain lines of work and depending on that work they only get paid so much. it never seemed fair to me to have a system where only some people get to live ubove the wealth while others had a life of of hardship and barely being able to survive.

to me this system was particularly strange and didn't make sense to have in a society where nature and technology co exist and make life better yet there are still some people still suffering and still can't afford to pay rent that's actully only gotten worse in the last few years.

I had moved up in the world but only because I knew someone at the place I was working our history was rocky. I got the job out of shear luck. he used to be my best friend until I found out he only became my "best friend " to win a bet with his friends he was on the football team when were where in high school he never looked like he really enjoyed being there but he talked to me and from there I decided to engage in conversation with him. how bored with your own life do you have to be to take a play straight out of a 80's movie. like really they didn't have anything better to do but pick on me and make fun of me. but I guess his prolonged guilt over the years had gotten me the job in the first place. I was never popular in school and that hasn't changed in life much.

I know for a fact I had only gotten the job out of luck because I wasn't the most qualified candidate for the job, I had only applied to see if I could get it I didn't actually think I would be picked for it. I don't think he recognized the name on the application because when I showed up for the interview I could tell he was surprised and I was certainly surprised to see him. I thought for sure he would come up with some excuse and rush me out of his office but he fumbled the whole time and in an awkward attempt to make the situation less weird he offered me the job. I don't think he thought I would actually take it and show up because when I did the next day he was looked shocked to see me in the office I instantly regretted it until I saw my first check. and against instinct that I had I stayed for the money. that's how I got the job I've had for the last year.

where were we when I was in my house oh ya once in the bathroom I looked in the mirror and saw how exhausted my face looked. I grabbed my hair gel and started putting it on my head to make my hair look nice. I combed it back to make it look nicer for work because come on I'm not dressing up for job I can't fucking stand being at most of the time. I show and I work that should be good enough I then grabbed my toothbrush from its toothbrush holder. I then grabbed the tooth past opened the cap and put it on the toothbrush and started brushing his teeth.

I looked and watched to make sure I had gotten all the sides of my teeth the back and the front before spitting it out in the sink. you could tell I had been working overtime for the past couple of days because It was starting to show. I had dark circles under my eyes, I was moody and irritated and I had a lack of energy, well more then usual the kind you only have after being overworked and not having enough sleep.

I sucked up any remaining energy I had left and walked out of my bathroom. I moved from one side of the room to another as made my way back to my bedroom walking through my door. I walked over to my dresser drawer and looked inside for something kinda nice to wear. When I opened it and saw the little choices of clothes I had. I never bought for myself all of it was something I got over long Christmas's past or form birthdays from my family. I quickly thought to myself that I should go shopping then stopped myself when I remembered that most of what I got paid went to my mortgage and whatever else I needed such as roles of toilet paper and a tooth brushes and shirts for my shitty job.

I put on a plain shirt and some blue jeans. I work in an office so my style had to look professional so naturally I did what looked like a half-ass version of what that was. I thought back to my job while getting ready. I was so mad at my boss for even asking me to work overtime. and yes the same guy who hired my over a wired situation is the same person who I used to go the high school with. I was upset that he had asked me to work over before anyone else. but I knew the reason why in my own stupid failed attempt to make the situation less werid, I started working harder then anyone else there. I thought if I proved myself I could make that whole situation disappear and maybe he'd act less strange around me but in my effort to make things better between us because, you know, I would be working there and I didn't want it to feel like an awkward strange mess every time we ran into each other I did the one thing at any job you are never supposed to do ever and that is over achieve so everyone started expecting more of me including my boss/ex "best friend" it worked he's no longer weird around me sometimes but now I have a whole new problem and I would have just said no to the over time but I really need the money but I really don't want things to go back to the way they were before. so I'm kinda stuck

sometimes when were working in close quarters he dose still get a little strange around me I wondered though if it had to do with the fact of the shitty thing he did to me in high school he's never brought it up not even once or that fact we ended up kissing that one night right before I had found out that he was only pretending to be my best friend. now before you get your shit into a twist. it was a long long time ago and it wasn't like a serious kiss it only happened because we were really drunk and somehow we got into the subject of homosexuality and decided to kiss each other to see what it was like. you know something you do when your a kid I was so young and we where really close friends and when your close to someone in that way you know that's just something you do when your young and experimenting.

now don't me get me wrong I've always been into girls an far as I know, even at that age I was jso comfortable with my own sexuality to kiss a boy. I've never thought of myself as anything but straight but I did find myself thinking about this incident a lot lately although it could just be because he's in a position of power and for some reason that's been a thing with me I tend to do that a lot with most of my bosses. I've never crossed a line or been inappropriate in that way I'd never do that to somebody, on top of that dating anyone in the work place, especially a co worker let alone your boss was complicated and got way to messy for my taste but I have had this happen with some of my female bosses and although I saw it for just what it was that the only reason I was even thinking of then that way was becouse I was fundamentally damaged as a person and for some reason that roaming authority and power comes across as love to me.. and I acknowledge that it had to do with my own issues and insecurities as a person and the fact that . I've never any of this happen with any of my male bosses before.

but the situation is a bit different there then again we were really close and I would never make out with a stranger but I have found myself when I do become really close with another guy, which rearly happens being close with anyone becouse I have no life outside of my job and I am repulsed by other people. I do find myself thinking about things like that a lot I feel I could never just make out with just anyone but if I was a close friend with a guy and I was single I could see myself going down that road with somebody meaning kissing and stuff I've never thought about being in a relationship or anything like that but I have thought about sex.

I told my friend mat about this at work and he and I are also kinda close not as close as me and my former bestfirend/ boss where but I can talk to him about things and he doesn't criticize or judge me he suggests I go see a counselor but I told him that's just a waste of time and money which is a lie I really just don't want to put forth the effort of getting up, and looking halfway decent and lets be honest I'd just through something on and go and going to other place I really don't feel like being at for more then thirty minutes at a time everytime I go. he also told me I'm not really straight if I think about kissing other guy's sometimes

I'm not sure about that but not how I feel I think that it's normal and healthy for a straight man or woman -no judgments- to have those thoughts and feelings when you end up close to someone it's just a human kind of thing that's how I feel and I will stick with that. I don't think it's abnormal when you have as many mental and health issues as I do.

I walked out of my room and into the kitchen I grabbed the nearest bar of something or other to eat on my way to my job I always set my alarm fifty minutes before I had to leave But I always sleep until the very last ten minutes so I really never had much time to eat breakfast even though my stomach gowled and I was always hungry going into work. it always hurt in the morning and when I didn't eat I'd get sick. I walked out of my house and to my car. I got in and started it up looking in my review mirror l looking around me I could see some houses far way down the little hill I lived on . I turned my car on and started to drive. I didn't even drive a whole block when had to stop. the road I usually took this particular route to work but today of all days they were doing construction on this road. it couldn't have been the road that went across the park or the one right beside the little stop sign or the one down the street it had to be my road which no one took but no it was my road." who the hell worked on a road this early in the morning" I thought angrily of course that was a dumb question but I was pretty fucking mad I was about to be late for work I had never been late for work before and although I really didn't like being the over achiever I didn't want to tarnish all the hard work and progress I had made over the last year. "are you fucking kidding me" I said to myself out loud my window was rolled down.

a construction worker looked my way you could tell he was mad. I sunk my head back in my car and rolled my window up for fear of confrontation

===after sitting in traffic for thirty minutes I decided to call my boss and tell him I'd be late. I picked up the phone nervous and waited as I heard my phone ring

I was never late so I doubted he'd be to mad and or angry. just then he picked up the phone "hellow this is the office of the morgan/ morgan corporation can I help you"

"hey spitera it's me leno, I'm sitting in traffic I'm going to be a bit late but I'll be there

"oh" I heard on the other end of the phone "well thank you for letting me know I'll talk to you when you get here" he said but I could tell by his tone he

wasn't happy about it. I pulled up in the drive parking lot of my job wondering since I was already late if I should just wait to go in. was it even worth the trouble of having to deal with those people and my boss all day. I gave a big sigh and got out of the car I slammed the car door as I got out
not in anger but in a kind of sad way going into this place and realizing I'm about to have to deal with all the stress that comes along with working in this place, I could tell by the way '

spitera sounded on the phone he wasn't necessarily unhappy with me being late well that might not be true but the situation going on at work right now was definitely not helping.

as you know because I'm sure I've mentioned it I work in an office sometimes the people who are supposed to put the order in either forget to fill out the paperwork or just plain don't know how to do their job right - which isn't there fault it's not like my corporation trains its employee's well so we get behind in our deliveries which put us behind on our paperwork so when we meet our deadline for two weeks we end up being a extra week behind which puts our boss spitera in a bad mood and leaving him stressed out which then puts the whole office in a bad mood leaving us stressed out making the place I work at a living hell. I'd like to say we get our papers on time most of the time but given how much that chain of events happens almost every week I don't think that's true.

and if he was stressed you know it's going to be stressful right after going in they must have been behind with work today. if your wondering why a guy like me is working in a office like this it's mainly to help afford my house. I know obviously everyone works for money