A/N

Trigger warning - self harm

Chapter 6

The water he had splashed on his face dripped down and into the sink that he was gripping so hard his knuckles were turning white. He couldn't bear to look at himself in the mirror as he tried to get his breathing under control and he could feel his heart hammering away in his chest.

How could Brendan and Simon possibly be 'business associates'? How did they meet? What did Simon do? Were they talking about him now?

He steadied himself against the bathroom wall, grateful that no one else had entered the pub toilets during his episode, and worried that Brendan, or worse, Simon might come in at any point to find him.

He let out a long breath before slowly opening the toilet door and creeping back to the table where Doug was jovially talking with Amy about decor and graphics. He sat back down and went through the motions, listening to Tony's stories about il nosh, smiling when someone made a joke, answering questions about the deli, where he more often than not referred to Doug as 'the brains' of the operation. Tonight was meant to be about celebrating a new chapter, a fresh start, but seeing Brendan with Simon felt like he was being dragged back to that night, everything Simon had done to him was playing over and over in his head as he sat there with a smile plastered to his face. He was reaching breaking point.

"Amy, i'm not feeling well me you know" he whispered

"What? Why? What's wrong?"

"Dunno, Maybe i've eaten something. But i really don't feel right"

"Yeah you do look a bit peaky actually" she held the back of her hand against his forehead "no temperature though" she looked at him with concern before reaching for her coat.

"No, no you don't have to come, you stay and have fun while Mike's got the kids"

"Are you sure, if you're not feeling well maybe I should come?"

"Nah it's fine, don't think i didn't see you clock Ally when he walked in" Ste said with a knowing smile.

Amy blushed and tried to stifle her grin "Well if you're sure, call me if you need anything"

"Yeah i will, look i don't want to make a big thing of it so i'll just nip off, let Doug know if he asks yeah?"

"Course"

He grabbed his coat and made a b-line for the door whilst no one was looking. He chanced a quick look at Brendan and Simon who were still sitting at the bar, they were deep in conversation and Ste watched on as Brendan laughed at a story Simon was telling, properly laughed, like eyes creasing at the sides, kind of laughing. They were friends, it was plain to see and Ste could feel the bile rising in his throat.

Once out of the pub he broke into a sprint and raced the entire way home, as he arrived at his front door he was overcome with the idea that the man he loved, or the man he had loved and the man who had…who had hurt him in the worst way, were friends. He started to hyperventilate as he fumbled for his keys, dropping them in the process and losing his composure completely. He punched the wall with so much force he lost his footing, his knuckles connected with the brick and scraped down as he collapsed on the front step. He let out a loud sob as he pulled his knees up to his chest and brought his hand up to his face to survey the damage. Pain seared through his hand and up his arm, but for a few minutes the physical pain he felt distracted him from the emotional pain that was consuming him.

—-

Ste woke to the sound of Amy rounding the kids up for nursery, he groaned as he looked at the clock. He'd barely had any sleep, and when he did drift off he was plagued by nightmares of Simon and Brendan, laughing and joking around with each other, he shuddered at the thought. At that moment his door swung open and he was greeted with the sight of Amy, he shoved his arm under the duvet to make sure she couldn't see the damage he'd done to himself last night.

"Sorry , I should have knocked, how are you feeling?" she asked with her head tilted to the side

"yeah , bit better thanks, was up and down all night though"

"Mmm yeah i thought i could hear you moving about. You'll be alright for today though? Meeting the estate agent to sign the papers and that"

"Yeah, yeah. It's not till 11 so I've got time to pull myself together." he said with a lopsided smile.

"Aw yeah, well good luck to you both! See you tonight, love you"

She gently closed the door and herded the kids out of the flat. Ste pulled himself out of bed wincing at the pain in his hand and made his way to the shower.

He was ready earlier than he needed to be so he decided to take a walk to try and clear his head and ended up outside of the shop 30 minutes before he was meant to be meeting Doug. Ste sat on the bench outside and stared vacantly up at the club, he was lost in his thoughts when he felt someone next to him

"Morning love, Doug told me the good news!"

He looked up to see Lyndsey stood in front of him with a warm smile on her face.

"Oh, hiya. Yeah yeah, it's good" he said blankly.

"Would you look at your hand, what happened there?" Within a second she was sitting next to him on the bench gently cradling his hand in her lap.

"Erm, nowt, i just fell last night"

She looked at him with concern "you fell? Looks like you punched something or someone"

" i didn't, i just fell"

"Well why don't you come up to the flat and let me check it over, clean it up properly?"

He stared at her and at the steps leading up to the flat and back again. She sensed his unease

"No one's home"

"Ok" he said it so softly he wasn't sure she'd heard him. He let her lead him up the steps and through to the kitchen. He'd not been here since last summer, when Eileen had walked in on him and Brendan and freaked out, that wasn't exactly a highlight, but there had been some nice times here too he thought absentmindedly as Lyndsey grabbed her kit.

After she'd cleaned him up with antiseptic wipes and held his hand whilst moving it and bending his fingers

"Well nothings broken"

"You sure? It hurt like hell this morning"

"Grazed, bruised and swollen, but no brakes. Take some ibuprofen for the pain but it should ease up within a couple of days. Must have been quite a fall"

He looked up from under his lashes and when their eyes met he darted them away. Her hands were soft and gentle as she held his arm and started to wrap a bandage around it. He hadn't had many dealings with Lyndsey in the past, she was practically part of the Brady family but he'd never found himself one on one with her. She was nice though, the kind of person you could tell was a nurse, she just had that way about her, she had a comforting presence.

"You must be so excited" she pulled Ste out of his thoughts

"About what"

She laughed softly "About opening your very own deli! Unless you have any other amazing news you have been keeping secret?"

"Oh yeah, dead excited. We're signing the contract today, actually I should be meeting Doug there any minute now."

He stood rather abruptly, shocking Lyndsey.

"Thanks for this" he held up his bandaged arm. "You didn't have to, first panini on me yeah? As a thank you" He said with a small smile as he grabbed his jacket and made his way to the front door.

"Ste wait" he turned to look at her "you are ok aren't you?" Lyndsey tilted her head and Ste could see the concern etched all over her face,

He felt his smile faltering slightly as he looked her in the eye,

"Yeah, i'm fine" his voice broke slightly as the words came out and he quickly turned and darted out of the flat.

Doug was already outside with a man in a suit when he got down there.

"Ah here he is," Doug announced as Ste walked up to them.

The man in the well tailored suit turned and held out his hand to Ste, he was tall, late twenties, short brown hair, a trim beard with deep brown eyes. By all accounts he was extremely attractive.

"Hello Mr Hay, i'm Matt from Piersons estate agency" Ste shook his hand

"Hiya, Its Ste"

"Right, Doug and Ste, got it. Well first of all let me congratulate you on your new business. So let's get you in there and get everything signed" Matt held up a set of keys and jangled them before unlocking and opening the door to the shop.

Matt and Doug talked about legalities and contract jargon that went over Ste's head but he nodded along like he understood so he didn't seem useless to Matt. He produced a bunch of contracts and pointed to the sections that Ste and Doug needed to sign and then Doug transferred the money online. Matt said he just needed to wait for the head office to confirm all was ok and then he could hand over the keys to them.

"So what are you planning on calling the place then" Matt began making small talk.

"Carter & Hay. we really thought outside the box" Ste joked whilst rolling his eyes.

"Hey! simplicity is good. Listen to any marketing strategy of the 21st century" Doug argued.

Matt laughed "No, it's good, I like it. Trust me, I've heard enough business names based on puns to last me a lifetime. Have you got contractors coming in to do the place up?"

"Yeah, we were going to try and do it ourselves but we decided we'd rather be open as soon as possible and start making money. we've got them coming in tomorrow, hopefully done in two weeks. So Ste over here has two weeks to concoct the perfect menu, he's the culinary brains of our duo" Doug held up his hand and whispered behind it in mock secrecy as he said that last bit to Matt.

Ste began excitedly telling Matt about his first draft of ideas, he spoke in great detail about savoury and sweet pairings that people will love in paninis and pizzas, what international inspiration he was using, his favourite salad concoctions and his many many takes on 'the bagel'. He was just about to get into his private catering menu ideas when he realised he'd been prattling on for almost 15 minutes.

"God i've just been going on and on avn't i? Dead boring for you. Sorry" Ste felt his cheeks burning with embarrassment at how annoying he must seem to Matt.

Matt was a cool guy, Ste could tell that much. The slick suit, perfectly coiffed hair, designer facial hair, a gym bunny for sure and to top it off he had a mercedes coupe parked out front. He probably had to beat girls off with a stick in Chester and here Ste was chewing his ear off about sandwiches like he'd just invented the wheel. Mortifying.

"Not at all, it sounds fascinating, i'll have to pop in for lunch when you're open, but i do need to get going, new build flats to show people around in the city you see." Matt grabbed his briefcase and smoothed his suit down before throwing the boys a wave and heading for his car. Ste couldn't help but follow the man with his eyes as he made his way to the driver seat and placed his briefcase in the car, he slickly removed his blazer and smoothed it on the passenger seat, he looked through the deli window one last time and winked before sliding into the driver's seat and pulling away.

"Put your eyes back in your head romeo!"

Ste jumped and spun to look at Doug who had an amused look on his face.

'You what? I wasn't, I was just looking!"

"Mmmhmmm, i've never heard you talk about feta and peach couscous so seductively"

"urgh i wasn't! I was just talking. Did I sound like I was being flirty? Oh god please don't say yes, that's so embarrassing, he's gonna think im a right weirdo!"

"I don't think he will"

"What D'ya mean?"

"Did you really not notice? you are so oblivious! Ste, he was listening to you talk about food like it was the most interesting thing he'd ever heard. He couldn't take his eyes off you and he just winked at you!"

Ste looked at where Matt's car had been parked and then back at Doug, replaying the conversation in his head.

"You think he's gay? He can't be, i'd know"

"Ste, no offence but you didn't know you were gay. I'm telling you, you had his full attention the minute you came down those steps."

Ste stood stock still completely taken aback, Matt couldn't have fancied him, why would someone like Matt fancy Ste. Even if he was gay, he could get any guy he wanted, he could do miles better than him. It was ludicrous to think a man like that had any interest whatsoever in a guy like Ste, absolute madness. He looked at Doug who was packing away the contracts in his bag, Doug looked up and shrugged whilst giving him an optimistic smile.

—-

1 week later

Amy and Ste were strolling through the village arm in arm enjoying the mild weather. They'd barely spent any time with each other over the last month or so with the Deli and the kids. If Ste was honest with himself, before that he was trying to avoid any one on one situations with her in case she started asking too many questions about his odd behaviour and out of character moods. He'd felt better over the last couple of weeks though, his blossoming friendship with Doug helped him more than Doug could ever know, he was coming to treasure his friendship and partnership with the american.

Amy was talking about Ally and what an absolute hero he was, selfless, brave not to mention 6'5 and ripped. It was nice seeing her happy though Ste had to admit. She hadn't had anyone in her life since Lee and she put herself last far too often for Ste's liking, she deserved the world and at times he couldn't help feeling disappointed that he couldn't be the one to give it to her. Ally might be that guy though, and who was he to get in the way of that.

They were sat by the fountain finishing their Hot chocolates as she filled him in on the latest McQueen drama that she'd heard from Michaela, when he looked over at the club to see Cheryl in the yard, with Simon. Amy's gossiping became background noise as gawped at the pair from afar. Cheryl was flirting outrageously, he'd seen her do it enough times to spot a mile away. She was laughing as she rocked back and forth on her sky high heels and stroked Simon's arm as he charmed her with whatever anecdote he was relaying. Cheryl was practically giddy as she hung on every titillating word that spilled from Simon's lips whilst he leant against the iron bannister of the club's steps leisurely in his army green utility jacket, floppy hair wafting in the wind. Ste could feel his palms beginning to sweat as his leg began to bounce in agitation, he wanted to run a mile every time he saw Simon but in this masochistic moment he couldn't tear his eyes away from the sight before him, was something going on between the two of them?

After what felt like an age their conversation seemed to be over, Cheryl began tottering down the stairs as Simon watched her, suddenly his eyes shot up and met Ste's causing his breath to catch in his throat, a small smile played across Simon's lips before he stood up straight and walked back into the club. Cheryl clocked Ste looking over as she got to the bottom of the stairs and made a beeline for him and Amy with a huge smile on her face.

"Ah if it isn't the 2nd prettiest business owner in Hollyoaks. The first being me" Cheryl quipped, tossing her curls behind her.

"Oh hiya Cheryl, oooo you look happy" Amy chortled.

"Well i am actually"

"Why?" Ste's question came out blunter than he meant it to, but he needed to know.

"Oh you know, business is good, i've just aced my assignment on my course and there may be love in the air" Cheryl gave a sickly sweet smile as she batted her lashes. Ste felt his stomach drop.

"Tell us more!" Amy squealed

Yes, tell us more.

"Well I don't want to get ahead of myself, but just between you and me, i have a good feeling" she winked at the pair.

"Who is it?" blunt again from Ste.

"Oh i don't think you know him"

"Who?" try me.

"Ste! Stop being so nosy! She said it's early days" Amy chastised Ste's questioning while playfully slapping him on the arm, he didn't avert his gaze from Cheryl. Was Simon straight? He'd never actually said he was gay but why would he…. Why would he have done what he did if he liked women? Was he Bi? Maybe Cheryl had the wrong end of the stick between them, maybe it wasn't Simon at all, he could just be jumping the gun. There was a horrible feeling in his gut though, a feeling telling him he didn't have this wrong, that something was happening between the two, that Chryl was dating his rapist. The thought made him want to vomit.

"You look like you've seen a ghost love! Are you ok" Cheryl was looking at him with concern.

"Yeah" cough. "Ahm, yeah. I just forgot I need to be somewhere, need to get ready. Me and Doug are going into Chester for a drink." Ste mumbled

"Ah good i idea, the last hoorah before your social lives disappear! Uck im joking love, you'll be grand" Cheryl chuckled.

Ste didnt answer.

Amy nudged his arm "Eh actually you better get a move on Ste, you need to shower and get changed"

"Don't know if i can be bothered, might just go like this" Ste looked down at his fairly casual attire.

"No! You can't!" her shriek startled Ste

"What? Why?"

She calmed herself down "well it's like Cheryl said, last night out before you're both at the grind everyday. Nice to make an effort if you're going into town isn't it? Plus there's a spaghetti hoops stain on your top"

She was right. Even if she was acting odd.

"Yeah, suppose. Ok I'll head off now, you coming?"

"No no, i'll go meet Ally, 2 hours 1 on 1 with kids is more than enough for him"

He stood up and brushed the back of his trousers down before turning to place a kiss on Amy's cheek. She was beaming at him. Weird.

"Alright then. Bye"

"Bye" both women said in unison.

Amy followed up with "I won't wait up"

He shot a look back at her and could have sworn she had a conspiratorial smile plastered on her face, he shook his head and made his way home.

—-

He got to the bar in Chester about 5 minutes late, the Exhibit wasn't technically a gay bar, it was 'Queer friendly', basically good for gay straight and everything in between, Ste imagined thats why Doug picked it, as it worked for both of them, but neither of them were on the pull - or so he hoped- so he didn't see why it really mattered.

He also didn't understand why Doug had insisted they met here rather than just travelling together but whatever. He took a look around, no Doug, so he made his way to the bar to order a beer for them both.

A voice came from behind him "You looked right through me!"

Ste turned to see Matt, the estate agent, standing there with a welcoming smile on his face.

"Matt, Hi, sorry, I didn't see you. What are you doing here?"

Matt's face faltered a bit in confusion.

"Eh?"

Probably was a stupid question, 'what are you doing in a bar?' obviously here for a drink Ste, moron.

"I'm just meeting Doug for a drink, he should be here any minute"

Matt looked even more confused "Doug's joining us?"

Us? Now it was Ste's turn to look confused

"Sorry, I don't follow? Joining us?"

At that moment Ste's phone buzzed in his pocket, he pulled it out to see a message from Doug

Sorry buddy, I'm not going to be able to make it. I'm sure Matt can keep you company :p

ENJOY

Love Doug & Amy

Ste grimaced in realisation, he'd been set up. He looked back up at Matt who was still smiling, albeit not quite as genuinely as before.

"Doug's just messaged" he said pointing at his phone. "He's not coming"

"Personally, that's a good thing, but you don't seem so sure"

"I'm sorry Matt, I didn't know you'd be here, I've got no idea what's going on," Ste said earnestly.

"Well, this is doing wonders for my ego, I must say," Matt joked. "I've never seen someone look quite so distraught at being on a date with me. Then again I don't think anyone's ever had to be tricked to go on a date with me, at least I don't think they have!"

A Date. what the fuck.

"I'm sorry, I'm not. I'm not upset or ought. I just, I just had no idea." Ste said in genuine disbelief.

"Right, well shall I get us a few drinks in? Give you time to get over your shock" Matt winked, seeming unperturbed by the situation.

Ste didnt respond but moved back slightly allowing Matt to get to the bar.

Three hours later and Ste was having a surprisingly good time, it had taken a while but once he'd thawed and began conversing like a normal human being, he realised that he and Matt really got on. They had more in common than Ste could ever have imagined and Matt was as charming as they came, they'd talk like mates and then Matt would drop in the odd flirtatious comment which would make Ste blush and stutter, he was very out of practice. As the evening went on Ste made the decision to call it a night

"Bloody hell it's almost 10! I need to get going, i've got to be at the Deli to let the electricians in at 7am tomorrow!"

"Always a sign of a good date, when the time flies by"

Ste laughed nervously "I wouldn't know, not been on many dates really. The last one were almost a year ago"

Matt was looking at him with seductive eyes.

Ste felt himself stiffen "erm, yeah. Yeah. sorry but i do need to get off"

They both stood and wandered out of the bar and into the night. It was cold out so Ste pulled his coat tight, zipped it and stuffed his hands into his pockets as he walked beside Matt.

"I'm gonna get the bus, the stops that way"

"Ah i was going to get a cab, i can get it to drop you off too?"

Ste looked at Matt's face, he seemed like a genuine guy, nice, sane and they really had had a good time together, but then again someone else had seemed genuine and nice once. He couldnt put himself in that situation again.

"Nah don't worry about it, I'm the opposite direction to you anyway. The bus is fine" Ste turned to face his date, suddenly nervous at how to end this interaction. Surely a date that ended in a handshake or a wave would be summed up as a failed one, the evening didn't deserve that title.

Matt looked deeply into Ste's eyes and ran his fingers across his fringe, leaning down gently to place a kiss on his lips. Ste didn't recoil, didn't feel the need to. As Matt pulled back Ste studied his eyes, big and brown, he tentatively placed his hands on Matt's biceps to steady himself as he stretched up to return a kiss. The estate agent deepened the kiss suddenly with fervour and pushed Ste into the nook of the Bus stop, away from the sight of the road. Ste froze at the action, his mind was racing, this is normal, he's being normal, he's not trying to hurt you. As hard as he tried to push down his terror it was bubbling up inside of him. Matt pulled at the zip on Ste's coat and dipped his hand into it and wrapped it around Ste's waist, whilst his other lay on Ste's neck and he used his body to push Ste further into the wall, groin to groin. Matt was panting hard with desire as his tongue continued its invasion of Ste's mouth, he couldn't pull his head back because of the wall, so he snatched his face to the side to break the kiss. Matt didn't pick up on his cue though and began kissing Ste's jaw and neck like he had offered them up to him, Ste weakly pushed on Matt's arms to dislodge him but it made no difference. He felt like he was back in Simon's apartment on the floor. Just tell him to stop, make him stop. Do something he thought. Panic took hold of him before he knew it and summoned all his strength to shove Matt so hard he stumbled back and almost fell.

"Get off me!"

"Ste, what on earth?"

"Don't touch me! You do not get to touch me! Do you hear me! I don't want it!" Ste yelled struggling for breath, he was shaking all over as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He was poised for a second attack, ready for it, but it never came. Matt stood there in shock staring at Ste with a horrified look on his face, he held his hands up in surrender, a motion to disarm Ste.

"Ok ok, i'm not going to touch you, i'm going to stay here, ok?" Matt said to him slowly, trying to calm the situation that to him, must have seemed like it came out of nowhere.

Ste continued to watch his every move vigilantly but his heart rate was becoming steadier and his breathing was evening out. They remained in silence for several minutes, eyeing each other up.

'Ste i thought you wanted me to kiss you, i thought you were into me. I would never, i didn't mean to upset you"

Ste moved out of the crevice he'd ended up in during their encounter, sliding across the wall until he was right on the edge of bus stop, in view of the street.

"I'm not going to hurt you" Matt repeated slowly. "Are you okay?"

Ste nodded, he was starting to see the situation for what it was. A normal guy who had gone on a date, had a good time, and sealed the night with a kiss. No bad intentions, no ulterior motive, but Ste had freaked, panicked and lashed out. He was mute with embarrassment, how was he going to explain this? Matt sat down on the bus stop bench and sighed, Ste followed suit, keeping a good distance between them still.

"I don't know what just happened Ste, but I don't think that reaction was about me, was it?"

Ste shook his head ever so slightly. Matt nodded in understanding.

"Whatever it is, whatever's happened, you need to talk to someone about it. You need help"

"Im sorry" came out shakily as Ste tried to hold back tears and looked down at his hands in his lap, as he sat fiddling with his sleeves.

"Don't be" he let out a sharp breath "i like you Ste, you're funny and cute, but you have some things you need to work out. I think you should focus on that"

"I know… I am sorry, really. I shouldn't have reacted like that" Ste could feel his bottom lip wobbling.

"No hard feelings. Look at me Ste" Ste did as he asked "let me get you a cab, please"

Ste went to protest but Matt was already up and flagging a black cab down.

"Hollyoaks village please mate, just one stop, this should cover it" Matt handed the driver 40 quid and held open the door, Ste gingerly climbed in. They both looked at each other intently through the door window before Matt gave him a sad smile and banged his hand on the top of the car signalling the driver to leave. Ste spent the whole drive home thinking about what he'd done, how he'd behaved, what Matt had said about him needing help. Who could help him though? How could anyone help him? He couldn't tell anyone what had happened, it wouldn't change anything, what if they didn't believe him, that would be far worse than this. He stared into the night sky ruminating on his situation.

As he made his way into his bed he looked at his phone and saw two messages.

From Doug:

Don't worry about tomorrow at the deli, I'll sort it. I'm sure you'll need your beauty sleep after tonight ;)

From: Matt estate agent

Think about what I said Ste. talk to someone. All the best, Matt.

—-

The next day Ste was heading to the Deli around 11am, he and Doug had plenty to do before they opened in 4 days, and he also wanted to give him a piece of his mind for the little stunt he pulled yesterday.

As he walked through the door he saw doug sat on the bench looking pensive and worried,

"Right, who do you think you are tryi- Doug? Are you alright?"

Doug was biting his nails as he looked up at Ste, he seemed nervous, scared even.

"I need to tell you something and it's gonna make you real angry but I just need you to know that i did it for us, for our future '' Doug started pacing.

"What is it? You're worrying me now" Ste tried to force a laugh to break the rising tension.

"You know that loan I said I got from my family in New York for this place?"

Ste nodded.

"Well that wasn't true, it was Brendan, Brendan gave me the loan."

—-

After his argument with Doug, Ste stormed out of the Deli slamming the door behind him, he was shaking with frustration. How could Doug not understand, how could he have thought this was ever a good idea. He was going to try and clear his head but when Chez Chez caught his eye, he couldn't stop himself. He was going to have it out with Brendan once and for all, all his meddling and toying with Ste's life like he was a puppet on a string - it had to stop.

Ste walked into the club, it was empty downstairs so he made his way up beginning to lose his resolve on the way - he'd stood up to Brendan many a time and had never come out on top, not really. This was different though, Brendan had sacked him, cast him away like he was nothing and now he'd wormed his way into the only thing Ste had ever done for himself, he'd tainted it, he couldn't get away with it.

He reached the 1st floor and was struck by noises coming from the office, stuff being hit, pushed over, grunting, he was stock still, it could be a burglar but then knowing the dodgy things Brendan was involved in it could be all a number of things. He should have just run away and dealt with Brendan another time, when he was calmer, but something about the scenario was drawing him closer. He crept up to the office door which was slightly ajar, the noises were louder and he recognised the sounds of Brednan, he tentatively put his face up to the crack, he craned his neck to get a better angle of sight. Two bodies were rithing against each other, clothes being torn off, animalistic grunting and ragged breaths. Brendan was fucking someone in his office, Ste tried to ignore the drop in his stomach at that realisation, it shouldn't surprise him, this was standard Brendan Brady behaviour. The figures slammed into the other side of the office, he could now make out the other person. The tall lean body, floppy dirty blonde hair, vampire-like facial features.

Simon.

Ste recoiled, throwing himself away from the door almost falling in the process, he tripped over his own feet as he bolted down the stairs and out of the club. He was running so fast he could barely breathe, he was half way home before he had to stop because his throat felt like it was closing in on itself.

Brendan and Simon. They were together, or at the very least they were fucking. Simon and Brendan. How long had it been going on, was it happening when Ste had gone to his flat? Were they in love? Did they stay in the same bed at night? Did they go on dates? Did they flirt? Ste could feel himself retching.

Then it struck him, maybe Brednan knew what Simon had done, maybe he'd been involved, another one of his games to control Ste and hurt him. They were laughing at him, laughing at how pathetic he was, laughing at what Simon had put him through. Tears were flowing down Ste's face and he was consumed by the need to claw at himself, to rip his insides out and disappear. His anger, confusion, fear and distress exploded and he lashed out, punching his hand through the window of a car parked on his street. Ste stared emotionless at the sight before him, his arm was wedged in the broken glass as blood trickled thickly down and dripped onto the car door. He should have been in absolute agony, but it barely registered, he felt calm, like all the noise swirling around in his head was on mute, he felt more in control than he'd felt for months.