Soft key clicks echoed throughout the small hospital room. Eddward was sitting up in bed leaning over an old laptop. On one side of his bed lay various textbooks and folders. On his other side was a notebook which he scribbled in every few moments. The sun was starting to set off in the distance and the last remaining rays were peeking through the blinds. Eddward looked at the screen and grunted before he used his pencil to scratch behind his ear and then jotted something else down. He sighed as he stretched and laid back against the scratchy hospital pillows.

He extended his arms out in front of himself before he pulled them back to hide his face. The makeshift cast around his forearm was uncomfortable as it stared back at him and he longed to get the stupid thing off. One of the many, many perks of being of being on suicide watch. The cut on his arm was healing and although it was now stitched up there was fear that he might try to finish what he had started. So the cast was there to stop those urges, or at least hide the evidence of previous attempts.

He was wearing a tank top and sweatpants without any strings in the waistband. His hair was a mess on top of his head and he reached up to grab his beanie which wasn't there, old habits and all. The bedsheet was made of a truly breathable fabric. And although he hadn't checked he was sure his door didn't have a lock on either side of it. He stared out the window into the world beyond and sighed heavily.

"Are you going to linger in the doorway for the duration of your visit?" Eddward asked into the seemingly empty room.

Eddy let out a short bark of laughter before he sauntered into the room. "What gave me away?" He asked as he sat down in the corner of the room.

"Cigarettes hold a particular odor." Eddward said as he scrunched his nose and took in Eddy's appearance.

His belt was gone and so were his shoes, most likely confiscated at the nurses' station. He wore makeshift hospital slippers in their place.

Eddy smiled sheepishly. "Yeah. I guess they do. Sorry, I'll try to aerate more before I come in next time." He sat back in the chair and motioned with his chin toward the laptop. "Gift from the parents?" He asked.

Eddward gave a half smile as he closed the laptop. "More like a gift of persuasion." He answered.

Eddy raised an eyebrow. "The fuck does that mean?"

"Your language is atrocious as usual." Eddward said mildly as he shook his head. "It's my father's old work laptop. It's supposed to be a 'let's get back to acting normal present,' or however my mother might've phrased it. She just wants to make sure I'm not falling behind. Although that'd be hard to do with her threatening the school."

"She threatened the school?" Eddy laughed, "what'd she say?"

Eddward dragged his hand over his face. "It was mortifying. She basically threatened Principal Leighton with how much money she and my father have donated to the school. Not to mention my impeccable GPA. They're letting my once perfect attendance slide for unforeseen circumstances." Eddward's voice lowered at the end as he coughed trying to get back to his point. "Anyway, the laptop is so I don't fall behind. Teachers have been emailing class work and notes. Although I do have the option to test out or continue on with the graduating class."

"Well that's a no-brainer, test out Dee. You've always been too smart for traditional high school anyway."

Eddward sighed. "Don't remind me. Being this smart has always felt unbearable." He absently scratched at his cast.

The air seemed to tense in the room at the notion. As if knowing the ground was starting to break beneath them Eddy straightened up in his seat. His posture went rigid as he shared a look with Eddward. His complexion had paled as they entered forbidden territory. Eddward quickly broke the contact. He bit his lip and swallowed hard.

They'd avoided the subject this far. Eddy had come to see him everyday since before he'd even woken up. The incident happened over two weeks ago, but it was still very fresh. They usually kept their idle talking to current topics; how school was going, Eddy's job, Eddy's somewhat of a relationship with Nazz. But it was always there, the truth hiding just beneath the lies of contemptment. Eddy's eyes flicked to Eddward's cast briefly.

What might've felt like a lifetime was only mere moments until Eddward finally broached the forbidden topic. "We can talk about it, you know." His once pristine demeanor fell, but for the first time ever he was oddly at ease. "I'm okay."

Eddy's eyes bulged slightly at the statement. He sucked in his lips as he refused to meet Eddward's glare. Eddward couldn't help it. Eddy was never one to back down.

"Something to say, Eddy?" Eddward asked in a snarky tone with anger that didn't quite reach his eyes.

Eddy bit his tongue as he shook his head slightly. His fists were ground deep in his pockets as he turned his gaze to the window.

"Eddy," Eddward's voice came out in an almost broken whisper. "Please, just talk to me like we used to."

Eddy went rigid and still refused to meet his stare. "I can't."

Eddward didn't know how much of his world lingered on those broken words. How he'd been holding on to that one ounce of normalcy in his life just to have it all taken away in an instant, but he deserved that. Right? Eddy was his rock in this world. His anchor that kept him here metaphorically and physically. And he'd abused their friendship time and time again. At every point he'd let Eddy down. He deserved this. He could admit that to himself, even if it hurt.

He felt tears prick at his eyes and he was grateful that Eddy was still staring out the window. He quickly turned his head up and blinked the tears away hoping that his voice wouldn't break the next time he spoke.

"Look, Dee-" Eddy began as he turned to look at Eddward.

Eddward felt it: the moment Eddy felt sorry for him. It was there wafting in the air as one of those renegade tears silently fell down his face. Eddward quickly turned his head. He wanted to wipe the tear, but he already felt betrayed by his body. It didn't matter. It's not like he was ashamed to let someone see him cry. Besides, this was Eddy, he'd literally seen everything. He knew how broken he was.

"I'm sorry."

Eddward's head snapped up.

"What do you have to apologize for?" Eddward asked in astonishment.

"I- I don't even know how to phrase this. Dee-" Eddy cut himself off.

Eddward felt that familiar tear start ripping through his chest. This was the breakup with Kevin all over again. This was all his faults and bad decisions all rolled in and combined into one final blow.

"Please spare me, Eddy." That familiar facade seemed to creep up and wash back over him, but it was different this time. "If-if you truly don't wish to be her then you may leave."

Eddy scoffed in annoyance, indeed they were falling back into their old casual roles. "So you're just gonna dismiss me? Sorry, but I don't play by your rules anymore." He said with anger slowly creeping into his tone.

"Then what? Say what you came here to say or leave. I don't- I can't-" Eddward stopped talking.

All the emotions were coming back to the surface. His feelings of worthlessness, self-loathing, and isolation were simmering right beneath the skin. He didn't want to be that person any longer, but yet there he was, just a handshake away from becoming that full persona all over again. It was easy. So easy to fall back under that mask. To wear his fears like a shield so no one could use them against him, but Eddy wasn't his enemy, he had to remind himself that as he continued to battle his mental health.

"I don't want to do this with you anymore." Eddward simply said, all anger leaving his voice.

And yet Eddy's anger was just starting to boil over. "I'm done playing on your terms Dee and yet here we are. You still make the rules."

Eddward swallowed a hard knot that formed in his throat. Eddy was right. No more games. If he was truly going to give life a second shot he needed to start being honest with himself and his friends. Eddy deserved that much.

"You're right and I'm sorry." Eddward looked to Eddy who had gone pale. "I don't want you to be here out of a forced obligation, or a friendship we once shared. If you truly don't want to be here anymore. I understand and you have every right to walk away."

Eddy was shaking. His mouth fell open slightly and his eyes were roaming over Eddward's body, for what, he wasn't entirely sure himself.

Eddy tilted his head to the side. "That's what you think this is? That I'm just here for you out of guilt? That I don't really wanna be here? Is that it?"

Eddward was afraid to speak. He was running out of words to say. For once his slick and clever vocabulary held him no aid. He was at a loss for anything to salvage this moment. If he was angry he was in the wrong and if he apologized he was still far from being right.

"Eddy, I-"

Eddy stood so fast his chair toppled behind him, "Fuck you, Dee. No matter what I do it's all going to fall back to the way it's always been and you know that. And I-" As fast as the anger had set in, it faded.

Eddy held Eddward's stare as he strode across the small room and stood inches from him. His hands were by his sides ballet up in tight white-knuckled fists. But the anger had turned to something else entirely.

"Eddy, please I just want-"

"You remember that night you and Ed came to my house and we watched that stupid movie? The night I called you when I heard about Jensen's upcoming parole? You remember how I asked you what was wrong with your wrist and we both knew you lied right to my face and yet we acted like it was okay? That's kind of how this is right now. I'm not okay, but I need you to be okay with it. And I know it sucks and I'm asking a lot of you given what you've been through, but I'm calling in this favor. Is it wrong of me to say you owe me that much?" The verbal slap was loud and painful. "I'm not trying to say I don't care about what you want, but right now I want you to give me time to come to terms with everything that's happened."

Eddy turned and Eddward was positive he was going to leave and then he'd be alone once again in this room with the steady beat of his own heart to remind him of his isolation.

The bed dipped slightly as Eddy sat on the edge. Eddward grabbed the books that threatened to fall and threw them on the floor to give Eddy more room and an open invitation not to go. Eddy let out a sad laugh as he slumped and stared at the wall.

Eddward wasn't sure if he was allowed to speak given the current situation and as if reading his mind Eddy said, "I'm sorry. You didn't deserve all that. I honestly can't imagine what you must've thought or still feel. If you want to talk I'll listen."

Eddward turned to face the opposite wall as Eddy's eyes fell on him.

"Dee, please. Talk to me. My one rule is things can't go back to how they were before." Eddy swallowed as he built up his momentum. "I can't find you like that again."

"I- '' Eddward paused and looked at Eddy, then down at his knees hidden beneath the hospital bed sheet.

The truth.

"No games, no loopholes. Just the truth." He said aloud, although it was more so he could hear it himself. "I don't even know what to say. I'm not okay. But I'm also not as I was. Even though I tried to- I won't even say tried, as far as its concerned I did kill myself." Eddward felt Eddy grasp his hand. "I- I killed myself, but yet." Eddward looked up into Eddy's eyes.

He needed Eddy to see him. To know the words were truthful. To understand something he didn't entirely understand yet himself. His eyes were pleading with him to listen and hear him for what he was saying and not think it was another lie. As if knowing Eddy gave a silent nod.

"I didn't want to die. Even up until the last conscious moments I had, I didn't want to die." He felt the tears falling freely. "I just didn't want to feel like that-"

Honesty. He'd promised honesty.

Eddward held Eddy's gaze "I just didn't want to feel like this anymore." Eddward pulled his hand away from under Eddy's grasp.

He pulled his knees up to his chest and buried his head as he hugged himself tight. Being honest felt more real than he realized he was willing to feel, but he didn't have a choice at this point. All the emotions were storming inside him. He was on suicide watch for a reason after all. He might not have been in the psych ward, but that was just a small blessing his mother had bestowed upon him after he passed his first mental health evaluation. Being a doctor had a lot of leighway when it came to placing your son in a hospital room fortress. Eddward was aware of the added personnel on standby outside his room, of how he was conveniently stationed right beside the nurses station.

"I'm not saying I'm better. I know I have a long way to go with counseling and therapy. But I'm nowhere close to the point I was at. If-if things had progressed differently that day. So to say, if it all didn't happen at once I don't think I would have done it. I know in my head and my heart I was going to do it eventually, but I didn't know it was going to be that night until-"

Eddward choked on a silent sob, but now that he was finally talking he didn't think he possessed the willpower to stop.

"It was all too much Eddy. First there's Jensen standing there spewing nonsense and obscurities trying to justify his case. Blubbering nonsense about how we're the same." Eddward laughed darkly at that. "The imbecilic fool that he was. Maybe he was right. Maybe we were the same. I ran home. I was so angry and yet I couldn't set foot inside my house when I got there. Kevin had called me. Multiple times in fact and I thought wow, this might be it. Maybe there's some hope left for me- for us. I was afraid to call him back so I went inside and there, lo and behold my mother is frolicking around the kitchen like the world's most pristine housewife."

Eddward laughed again, a broken sadistic laugh that he felt rattle what was left of his sanity, but this was the road to salvation. He needed to trudge through all the hurt. He stared at his knees as he continued to speak.

"You know she tried to have a happy family meal like we were in a sitcom. And father just sat there like the doting silent anchor our family needed for her to rule her idealistic empire. I couldn't sit there and bear witness to the nonsense. She just kept rambling on about Stanford and my perfect future and I couldn't take it. She didn't see me. She never has."

Eddward looked to Eddy, his eyes were rimmed and shiny with unshed tears. But he was listening. He was hearing everything and not trying to change the narrative of the story.

"I told her. I looked her dead in the eye and told her I cut myself."

Eddy visibly shook with that knowledge as anger once again consumed him, but he held back. Just nodded and said, "I didn't know."

"Well she did and you know what, she brushed it off. Acted like it was all nothing so much so that I started to think I was nothing. Like harming my body didn't matter because she didn't care. My own mother is stuck in her delusion where we're the perfect family. She's so blinded that she doesn't even see me. I used to imagine what she would do if she found the bathroom covered in blood. If she'd just brush her teeth and go about her morning like the red wasn't staining our walls and leaking through the foundation to distort her perfect reality."

Eddy reached out to squeeze him. "I'm sorry. I had no idea it was that bad. I- I can't imagine what it must've felt like to be ignored like that."

"Yes, well… She was just one of the many factors that night. After dinner I went to my room and…" Eddward trailed off, unsure if he should speak of Jensen's note.

"You don't have to say it all right now if you don't want to. I understand."

Eddward smiled and shook his head sadly. "No you don't. And you won't unless I tell you everything." He took a deep breath before he continued on. "During the altercation with Jensen he got close enough to slip a note into my pocket. I didn't even realize it until I'd gotten home. He basically left his suicide note in my hands and part of me wonders if I'd gone to my room sooner... If I'd just avoided my parents altogether… would he still be alive? Was he giving me time to be the one to save him? Is that what he wanted? Did he want to be saved? Or was he looking for an easy way out and I alone was to know the reasons behind it. Like he paid a debt for almost killing me and in return I had the knowledge and held the power over his own demise."

"I think you're giving that asshole far too much credit. He was a coward and deserved everything he got." Eddy said angrily.

"No one deserves to feel that alone." Eddward admitted to himself. "Even so, I envied him. He found his resolve. He obtained the ultimate form of control. He chose how it ended and how it was dealt onto himself. He stole what I so desperately craved and I hated him for that. I still hate him. And I hate myself more for feeling that way. Hearing it out loud… I sound crazy."

"You sound like you're making progress." Eddy assured him. "Give yourself some credit Dee. You said it yourself, you're getting better."

Eddward gave him a small smile.

"Well after that I called you, and you know where that took us." Eddward let his eyes fall from Eddy as he grappled with himself. "After you dropped me off Kevin texted me and for a moment- for the briefest second… I thought my night was about to turn around. But he was drunk and he basically asked me when I gave up on us and in that moment I decided to tell him the truth. I was at such a low that I needed to be real with someone. I was going to tell him everything, but he cut me off. He heard what he needed to hear and decided enough was enough and I don't blame him. I strung him along for long enough. He deserved better than me and I was just keeping him around for my own selfish reasons. He deserves more than what I can give him."

"Loving him isn't selfish."

"But being with him is when I knowingly brought him down. He was like fresh air after performing CPR to save my life. But I knew I was fading and still I tried to drown him with me. I was going to keep putting myself in harm's way. I stopped myself before I could anchor him down with me and if that made me the bad guy then so be it. I'd wear that title knowing he escaped my downward plunge. Anyway, after he said what he needed to say I almost had my mind made up. I went upstairs and I was looking for a reason not to. Any reason not to."

Eddward felt Eddy's stare bearing down hard on him. The hurt and pain lacing his eyes.

Eddward looked at Eddy. "I know, logically I know I should've called you. Or Marie. I could've just left my house and gone for a run. I had numerous options, but I think my mind had made itself up. It's like I wasn't in control anymore. The pain was driving me to seek refuge in the only way I knew how to find it. And I just wanted it all to stop. And yet before I did, I just needed them to know. I knocked on their door in my boxers ready to die and they weren't there. They'd just left. Your son tells you he cuts himself and you just up and leave without so much as seeing if he's okay?! I was pathetic to think they'd care or even see me. And in that moment I'd never felt more… unwanted. Unworthy. Unloved. I was just alone… and I... I didn't want to die. Truly I didn't. I just didn't want to hurt like that anymore… hurt like this anymore"

The tears were streaming down his face and he didn't care. He couldn't stop the guttural cry that escaped his mouth. Arms embraced him. They were shaking as well as another cry met his own.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore." He cried into Eddy's shoulder. "I don't know how to make it stop."

"I'm here, Dee. We'll get through this. You're not alone anymore, okay." Eddy said between his own sobs. "I'm here."

"Okay," he answered.

It was all he managed to say. And they stayed like that for a long while. Neither one wanted to let go because the other still hung on. The long embrace was needed on both parts. Their tears soon faded into contentment as they both tried to get a handle on their emotions. Then a strangled laugh escaped Eddy's mouth.

"I don't think we've ever hugged like this before, it's kind of-"

"Gay. It's very gay." Eddward said as they both laughed and finally pulled apart to compose themselves.

"I hate that I have to leave after that, but…" Eddy trailed off.

Eddward tried to pull himself back together. "I know. It's late and it's a school night."

Eddy laughed. "Like I ever cared about that."

Eddward felt the tension from earlier easing away completely as they talked like two best friends should.

"After our beautiful embrace you're leaving me for Nazz, aren't you?" Eddward asked as he folded his arms and leant back in his bed until his head rested against the headboard. "And here I thought I was finally converting you to my ways."

"I mean it must've been good if it worked on the quarterback." The words left Eddy's mouth before he could stop himself from talking.

He flinched as he waited for Eddward's reply. He shouldn't have brought Kevin up after what had been said. But Eddward just smiled.

"He wore Nazz's makeup to hide his hickeys." Eddward said devilishly and Eddy couldn't help, but laugh again.

"I'm so using that against him when I see him." Eddy stood from the bed and straightened his clothes out. "But seriously, I'm gonna go see Lumpy. He hasn't talked to any of us since it all went down."

Eddward's arms fell as he sat up straight. "I've tried to call him. He's the only one who hasn't come by to see me or call… well everyone except him and Kevin."

"Ed's hurt, no one told him about you right away. We all kept it from him while he was on vacation. He's been dealing in his own way. And I told you Kevin's been here. He's just too scared to come face you. I think the farthest he made it was to the hall outside your room. He's feeling a lot of guilt too ya know. He was… look I know you're not ready to hear about that night. But he was there."

"I know. You've told me."

Once Eddward had become fully lucid he asked about what had happened that night because he was supposed to be dead. And yet here he was fully alive. The doctor and his therapist had told him about how his friend had saved his life. How his quick thinking and fast response times were the sole reason Eddward was even here. Eddy hadn't told him. Eddy would never brag like that or hold it over Eddward, but he knew Eddy had saved him. He just wasn't ready to hear all the details yet. It was still too overwhelming to process.

"Just don't forget it okay. He was there and he's still healing too. I know it's none of my business but Kevins a good guy and even though you guys had your issues, if you're as open with him as you were with me just now I think you guys could be okay. Even if you're not dating. He's a good friend to have."

Eddward felt the shock splatter across his face. "I can't believe it. You and Kevin are friends. Should we all get matching friendship bracelets?" Eddward said mockingly, trying to keep the mood lightened.

"Fuck you, Sockhead. I'm not that gay." Eddy said playfully as he headed to the door, "and besides, we're getting matching bestie tattoos." He said as he left and Eddward was sure Eddy could hear his laughter radiating down the hall.

As Eddy neared his truck he saw Kevin leaning against the passenger door smoking a cigarette. Eddy opened the door and got inside as he waited for Kevin to finish. He started the engine and revved it trying to give Kevin the urge to hurry up. He looked over in time to catch Kevin flip him off over his shoulder before he flicked his cigarette out on the ground and then opened the side door.

"Impatient much?" Kevin asked as he got in the truck.

"Really? Why'd you wait until the last minute to smoke?" Eddy asked, annoyed.

Kevin slumped back in the seat pressing his head against the window. His breath fogged up the glass as he spoke.

"I couldn't just sit here."

Eddy put his truck in reverse and threw his hand over the passenger seat as he looked over his shoulder to back up. "Could've come up with me to see him."

Kevin sighed. "I tried."

Eddy laughed. "How far'd you make it this time?" He asked as he threw the car in drive and exited the parking lot.

"I didn't." Kevin admitted.

Eddy turned to him and raised an eyebrow before his eyes went back to the road. "What happened? You usually get inside at least."

"I don't know." Kevin said sadly, his mind drifting elsewhere.

Eddy cleared his throat. "He still loves you, you know."

Kevin jolted suddenly, hope leaping into his saddened eyes. "He said that?" He asked.

"He didn't have to. But I still heard it. He's better than he was. I think we had a breakthrough today."

"What did he say exactly?" Kevin asked fishing for any information.

Eddy gave him a side smirk. "That you covered your hickeys with makeup."

All the blood drained from Kevin's face as he grabbed his hat and pulled it over his eyes. "You've got to be fucking kidding me." He groaned. "You call that making progress?"

"Yup." Eddy answered. "And we're getting tattoos to celebrate." He exclaimed happily as he grabbed Kevin's hand and squeezed.

Kevin pulled away and slapped Eddy's hand laughing at the notion. "There is something seriously wrong with you dude.

Eddy laughed, "Sorry, Dee and I shared a moment." He looked over to Kevin, "it was beautiful."

"You guys definitely shared something." Kevin said with a small smile creeping onto his face. "You really think he's getting better?" He asked hopefully as Eddy pulled into the Cul-de-sac.

He idled his truck in front of Kevin's house as he waited for the jock to get out. "He is." He said and for the first time he completely believed it.