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Ryan had his share of horrible days in his life. His dad leaving when he was 12; his mom dying when he was 17. Lexi and his huge fight that resulted in her moving to California; finding out last year she was moving in with some investment banker guy.
His best friend's funeral though easily beat out all of those days. Hands down.
They were all gathered around the house, waiting for things to get started. Jamie was moving between groups of people, saying he appreciated them coming. John sat alone in a chair near the fire pit, watching Tate run around. Kaycee was nowhere to be seen and Beth seemed to oblige her sister today by going off to the side to smoke. Lexi was standing at the top of the porch steps, almost like she couldn't bring herself to come fully outside. The others, including her sister, were dressed in dark suits; she wore a black dress with sleeves that came to her elbow.
"Hey," he said as he came over to her, getting her to look in his direction rather than spacing off.
"Hey," she greeted back softly; they were quiet a moment.
"I'm sorry," he was saying and she looked at him curiously. "I was gonna ask how you were doin, but that's stupid."
"It's ok," she gave a half smile, coming down a step and they were eye level. "I'm making it." She nodded at him. "How are you?" He was the one with the curious look now. "Everyone's worrying about us," she motioned to the house. "But he was your best friend."
It was true, they became best friends nearly 20 years ago while they were in high school. Ryan moved into the bunkhouse after his mom died, John giving him a job and a home when he needed it most. As an only child, Lee was the closest thing to a brother he had.
"Making it," he echoed her sentiment from before. She took in the way he looked away from her when he said that.
"You know I was just kidding about you watching him for me, right?" she asked now; he nodded quietly, still looking off. "You weren't dragging him out of there, you of all people know that."
"Yeah," he nodded softly in agreement. "Yeah, ok."
"Lexi," Jamie said as he came over now. "We're starting." She let out a heavy exhale as she went to follow him.
"We'll talk later," she was assuring Ryan as she followed her brother over to where her dad and sister were. Jamie had a certain look that Ryan chose today to ignore.
He never knew what Jamie's issue was with him. Lee, of course, was his best friend. John really seemed to like him as well. He and Kaycee got along; Beth seemed generally indifferent to him, as long as her sister was happy. Why did Jamie seem to hate him?
The way he figured it, the big time lawyer older brother thought his surgeon little sister could do better than a cowboy on their father's ranch. He didn't act this way towards Rip when he and Beth were…doing whatever they did. Maybe he was scared of Rip; maybe he just didn't care about Beth as much as he did Lexi.
Ryan shook what were ultimately petty thoughts from his mind as he paid attention to the service in the small family cemetery. He and the other ranch hands stood on the side opposite the family, facing them.
They stood quietly in a line, Jamie, Lexi, John and Beth. While the others continued to look stoic, Lexi started crying. She kept her tears silent, she didn't want to be the only one bawling, but her shoulders did shake as she stifled the sobs. She crossed her arms over herself but eventually placed a hand over her mouth to keep herself quiet. The rest of her family was strong, she would be strong too. Jamie placed a loose arm around her, hand resting on her shoulder; she felt John reaching for her and she let her hands both go so she could hold one of his. A few more silent tears slipped out, but that was it.
Ryan couldn't stop himself from looking at her, even if it did break his heart. He wanted to hold her and let her sob again like she had the day that Lee died. She should be able to grieve her brother how she needed, not fighting to be strong because she felt for some reason she had to.
As they all walked back they spotted Kaycee sitting with his horse from that night. John went to sit with him while the others went on, though Lexi waited to see if Kaycee would finally talk to her. He gave the horse to his father, declining his offer to stay for supper; he blew by his sister as he went to leave all together.
…
The three remaining Dutton siblings stood on the porch while watching their father move between groups of people paying their respects.
"He never looked at me the way he looked at Lee," Jamie said quietly; Beth looked disgusted.
"And he never will," she spat.
"Not today Bethy," Lexi said softly, using the nickname she had for her sister since childhood; she was the only one that got to call her that. There was no comment back from Beth as their father motioned them over.
He told Jamie how much he needed him, then asked Beth if she was able to stay. Lexi felt numb, like she was there physically but not mentally.
"Sweetpea," John was getting her attention.
"Hm?" she looked at him.
"This doesn't change your plans?" he was confirming she was staying and not running back to California.
"Not at all," she promised. She felt a new threat of tears coming, excusing herself to the house where Ryan knew she would be screaming and bawling into her pillow; everything was falling apart.
…
That night in the bunkhouse things were unusually quiet. The guys were all in various stages of changing. Some were back in their usual jeans and flannel, a few had showered and changed into their sweats. Some were still dressed from the funeral but at least lost the jackets and tie; Colby and Lloyd were in that group. Ryan was taking the longest, losing his jacket but only loosening his tie. The more he changed out of his funeral clothes the more it was like getting back to normal. How were they supposed to do that?
Rip had come in that night to do one last check in before turning in himself for the evening; he wouldn't normally, but it had been a hard day. Colby said something about doing a shot for Lee, getting up from where he sat next to Ryan at the table to get the liquor. That's when they heard someone at the door.
"You ok Lexi?" Ryan was asking her as she came in. She was still in black, but had swapped her dress for leggings and a t-shirt. The red flannel she was wearing was huge on her and Ryan guessed it belonged to Lee.
"I need out of that house," she sighed as she surveyed the place; not much had changed. A few were around the table, a few on the couch, one or two had started laying in bed.
"I don't know if your dad would like you down here," Rip was saying to her. She looked at him confused; this wasn't the first time she had crashed things at the bunkhouse, not by a long shot.
"K, well my dad has to leave his room to get an opinion," she quipped. "Jamie too. Kaycee isn't talking to me," she listed. "And." She stopped, blinking back tears; they knew she had to stop from listing Lee. "My skin is crawling up there, so it's either this," she motioned around. "Or I go track down Beth."
"Sit," Ryan told her, pulling out Colby's chair next to him for her. Maybe getting wasted in the bunkhouse wasn't her best outlet but it was better than whatever trouble the Dutton sisters would get themselves into. Lexi was much milder than Beth, but when the two of them got together, upset? Drinking? He figured he was saving Jamie a trip from bailing them out.
He gave Rip a look almost as if to say come on. She wasn't going to get into any trouble there, certainly not with him and Lloyd around. Rip nodded, heading back out the way he had come.
"So, what," she was saying, trying to distract herself. "Drinking game, poker?" She shook her head. "Anything but talking about my brother." Those at the table seemed to shift uncomfortably as Colby came back with a bottle and a stack of plastic shot glasses. "What?" she asked.
"…we're drinking for your brother," Colby answered as he passed the glasses around, those who weren't already at the table coming over to join.
"Ok, not after this then," she said lightly as Lloyd poured out shots from where he sat on the other side of Ryan. Once they were poured they held up the glasses, unsure of what to say.
"To the best older brother," Lexi said finally.
"The best friend," Ryan agreed.
"A good man," Lloyd finished and they downed their shots. Lexi swiped the bottle from the table and took a few swigs.
"What?" she asked as the new guy, Jimmy, was looking at her strangely.
"I, uh, just didn't think doctors drank like that," he said lightly.
"Her last name's still Dutton," Ryan said, getting up to get the cards, losing his tie in the process.
…
Lexi had forgotten how much she loved playing cards with these guys. It was the little things really, simple fun, but it took her mind off everything. They were all still drinking, mostly beer but occasionally taking from the liquor bottle. The more she drank, Lexi had piled her hair on top of her head in a messy bun.
She was laughing at some story Lloyd was telling about her and her siblings when they were kids; not talking about Lee didn't last long but they were all fun stories. Ryan found it hard not to stretch his arm across the back of her chair or rest a hand on her leg as things felt so much like the old days; he respected her space though.
"Mmm, I'm out," Lexi noticed her beer, having tapped out of cards a little while ago. "Anyone else?"
"Me," she heard a few of them say, then a few more.
"Ok I was being nice, I'm not your damn waitress," she laughed, setting four beers on the table before preparing to get her own. Her phone she left on the table started buzzing with a phone call. It lit up with Jamie's name and a picture of them in front of the Golden Gate Bridge.
"Your brother," Ryan told her, holding the phone up for her to take.
"Jaaaaaaaames," she answered cheerfully as she stuck her head in the fridge to get a beer.
"Where are you?" he asked. He knew she was drunk, that was the only time she ever called him James. But where was she drunk?
"The bunkhouse," she said, leaning against the counter, phone between her ear and shoulder as she cracked the beer can.
"Why-"
"Blowing off steam," she stopped him, taking a drink. "And whatever you're calling me about at…" Her eyes drifted to the clock. "Shit, two in the morning?" she questioned, then shook her head. "It can't be good, right? So let's just pause."
"I thought you should know Matt called me," Jamie informed her anyway. It was more urgent than she may realize. Ryan had glanced back at her as he was now out of the card game as well, noticing her puzzled expression.
"Why's he calling you?" she asked.
"Probably because you changed your number," he reminded her.
"Shit, right," it dawned on her. She sat her beer down as she looked for the marker that went with the small dry erase board that was stuck on the refrigerator.
"Lexi, he-" Jamie started.
"Shh, hold on," she told him as she was writing.
"Lex."
"I can't multitask when I'm drunk!" she complained. She caught Ryan's eye, pointing at the phone number and he nodded. "Ok," she sighed. "What?"
"He wanted to know where you are," Jamie told her.
"Did you tell him to mind his own damn business?" she asked. Ryan wasn't listening to her on purpose. It was a small bunkhouse and she wasn't exactly a quiet drunk. He just wondered what Jamie was saying on the other end, though it didn't take a genius to figure out her ex called Jamie.
"I told him that you were fine and anything he had to say would be coming through me," he told her.
"So, you lawyer told him to mind his damn business," Lexi grinned. "I like it."
"It's not that simple," he warned her. "He's threatening to file a missing persons."
"But I'm not," she said in confusion.
"To him you are," Jamie reminded her. "Most of your stuff is still there, your car, your phone-"
"Ok," she stopped him. "But you said I'm fine, so…."
"So what's to say I'm not in on something happening to you?" he questioned.
"Oh yeah right," she laughed like Jamie could ever hurt her. She didn't think it took a rocket scientist to figure out she ran for home. "I'm sure he knows-"
"I'm sure he does," Jamie interrupted. "I'm also sure he's smart enough not to come within 200 miles of dad. This might be how he gets you back in San Francisco. You'll have to actually appear in front of the police to prove you're not missing. And it'll hold up everything, your medical license transfer, your-"
"Ok, James, you're making my head spin," she warned, rubbing her forehead.
"He hasn't done it yet," he assured her. "But we need to be ready in case he does."
"Mmmm, yeah," she sighed. "We'll talk more in the morning." She rolled her eyes as she hung up, chugging the rest of her beer. She noticed a few sets of eyes on her. "Don't you guys have to be up in like 3 hours?" she joked, preparing to leave.
"I'll walk you up," Ryan told her, pushing back from the table.
"You don't have to," Lexi said back.
"You kidding?" Lloyd was joking. "You pass out on that hill, your dad will have all our asses."
"Yeah, yeah," she laughed as she headed out the door, letting it open so Ryan could follow her. They started out towards her house in silence.
"Is everything ok?" Ryan finally asked her. "With Jamie," he clarified.
"Ah, my ex is being a dick," she brushed it off as she crossed her arms over herself in the cool night air. "He's harassing Jamie on the phone about my new number. Which I changed for this reason," she went on, hoping this was enough. She didn't want to get into what all happened to her in California and why she left. There was a reason she only told Jamie; everyone else would fly off the handle.
"I'll answer next time, if you want," he offered.
"I don't get to ask you to do that," she said lightly.
"Still will," he shrugged with a soft smile. He'd fight this guy if she asked him to. "What?" he asked her now as she was looking at him.
"You're such a good guy," she said, almost like it was a complaint. Why was he still so good to her, even after she had so badly screwed up? Her next move, fueled by alcohol, was to kiss him. He wasn't fast enough to stop her but he gently took her shoulders and moved back from her.
"You're hammered sweetheart," he told her gently. He wanted nothing more than to kiss her, but she had to be sober. He didn't even want to mention how upset she was with everything with Lee and Kaycee, not to mention everything Jamie had just called her with.
"God, I'm pathetic," she said, her head falling back.
"Also the booze talking," he informed her and she looked at him seriously.
"I'm 31, unemployed, living at home," she listed. "I've had my second horrible break up in 2 years. And I'm that drunk girl," she motioned to him about the move she just made.
"Go get some sleep," he told her, kissing her forehead. He noticed a light turning on inside. "Before you get a lecture from Jamie."
"Ugh, the last thing I want," she said, though she laughed a little. "You're a good man Ryan," she told him once more before heading inside for the night.