Disclaimer: All characters from the series Inuyasha that appear in this fanfic rightfully belong to Rumiko Takahashi. I do not own anything regarding their creation; I have Rumiko Takahashi to thank for that.

Author's Notes: I'm sorry that I wasn't able to keep to my schedule, with life being hectic. Hopefully, this delayed chapter is worthwhile despite the long wait. I appreciate all of your patience.

Moreover, thank you to the readers — Yaneth Suarez, 8579, lightpotioon, and Guest — who read and left a review. Your support is very much appreciated.

Yaneth Suarez: Thank you! *Hugs back virtually* Things plummeted to the bottom in the past so let's hope things will improve in the present. You know, we could hug both Sesshomaru and Kikyo, especially after everything they've been through. But I suppose the former won't be as receptive to it as the latter. I know you're excited to see Sesshomaru resolve things with Kikyo but that will be in the next chapter.

8579: Thank you. Your unfailing support has always been a key motivation for me. SessKik truly does deserve much more recognition for how well the two play off of each other. Sadly, Rumiko Takahashi didn't take it in this direction. And let's not even go into the depths of the mess that is the sequel...

lightpotioon: Hello! Nice to meet you! So thrilled to have discovered a new follower of SessKik and my story. I'm overjoyed to hear that you're liking this fic thus far. Enjoy this newest chapter.

Guest: Thank you for your lovely review; I'm pleased that you enjoyed it and I hope this chapter will also live up to your expectations. May you and all my other readers also stay safe and healthy as well.

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(This chapter was betaread by bubu-chibi-chan).

Chapter 37-Without You

"I don't need a blade that is unworthy of my attention." -Sesshomaru on discarding

"We live a life of giving and taking. So learn to cherish what you have." -Kikyo on discarding

Air.

She ripped off her soaked veil, greatly appreciating the oxygen being pulled into her lungs. Clawing at the soggy dirt and dragging the rest of her exhausted body away from the water, she collapsed onto the riverbank without any care for dignity. Even if someone were to pass upon her drenched and battered form, with her raven hair sprawled out on the mud, she possessed neither the excess energy nor the mood to pay the individual any heed.

The remnant of her focus was drawn to what had happened. In terms of logic, her decision had to be made. For the sake of the future, their separation was absolute. It was inevitable. Yet, the part of her that was the woman instead of the miko was incensed. It lambasted her, calling her a coward for choosing the easy way out.

"Everything has to do with desires. And ours align. You seek peace. I intend to have you by my side. They are not irreconcilable. Cease hiding behind your talk of duty and follow your desire. Come with me."

He had shown her glimpses of what a life outside of the expected could be. He had invited her to break free of the chains of fate that crippled her from birth. But instead of taking the risk, she chose to backtrack and return to the life that she had always known.

'A miko. I am a miko before all else, bound by my duty to protect the Shikon Jewel.' She took a deep but quivering breath, her palm closing on the object that was the source of her predicament.

The Shikon Jewel… The bane of her existence.

'I need the means to keep the jewel concealed and protected, lest what happened with Tsubaki today repeats itself…' As much as that warranted precedence, she could not take any action. The awful aches in her body, especially her lungs, were incapacitating her, compelling her to allocate herself some time for recuperation.

While her body rested, her mind restlessly worked. In hindsight, using the cliff as an escape route had been imprudent. If possible, she was adamant about steering away from overhangs to avoid a similar situation in the future. Granted, it seemed like the only expedient option back then. As they said: desperate times called for desperate measures. Having issued the challenge that would have gambled with fate amid her vexation, the unexpected disruption had prompted logic to take over and she permitted herself to fall.

Nonetheless, her flight had not only been dishonorable but also insanely reckless. Any delay in erecting a protective kekkai around herself would have resulted in her lungs imploding from the impact with the water. Compared to that alternative, the short interval of oxygen depletion was barely anything to fuss about.

'Sesshomaru is right. A coward I have become.'

She coughed, expelling the last drops of the liquid. The motion generated jolts down her body, which nearly prompted a grimace. Despite her unique physical composition, her body was as fragile as any ordinary human... which unfortunately meant that her injuries would require time and supplies to heal properly.

As much as she wanted to give in to her fatigue and simply lay in the mud, she knew she had to move sooner or later. She was about to push herself up when the scarred tissues on her shoulder ripped open and warm liquid seeped out to stain her dirtied garbs red. A sharp intake of breath escaped her. Pain exploded and it was akin to being sliced with a knife before cauterizing the area with a burning branding iron. Though no stranger to the phenomenon, it was impossible to become accustomed to it. Unlike normal injuries, it tormented her at random intervals, altering from a mild throb to intense searing agony.

With no energy left to speak to her Shinidamachu telepathically, there was nothing to be done but to endure it.

'You're weak, woman. Look at you, writhing pathetically on the ground, heartbroken. Your heart bleeds for the dog demon, and that has made you weak.' Complicating her dilemma was the evil residing within the Shikon Jewel. Strengthened by the curse that Tsubaki imbued into the artifact when her serpent had touched it, Magatsuhi — evil's incarnate — let its mocking voice rattle inside her skull with sick pleasure. It loved using her moments of weakness, to twist her positive emotions into negative ones.

She had to quickly learn to brace herself whenever she heard the annoying snickers. Ignoring it would have yielded the best result, though that was an exigent feat to accomplish. Having her soul bound to the Shikon Jewel meant that she could sense its location regardless of the distance — a useful ability, yet unfortunately overshadowed by the complication of having a permanent resident within her. Magatsuhi loved to access her deepest secrets whenever she inadvertently loosened its restraints so that it could ridicule her with a voice that rattled her soul.

That made it easier to retaliate verbally. Magatsuhi might know her well enough to open up past wounds but the reverse was also true. She could make it throw tantrums that would put the most rebellious teenager to shame. 'If I am as weak as you claim, why laugh at my predicament instead of running amok? You are little more than a confined animal, incapable of escaping this frail cage I have trapped you in.'

Since Magatsuhi had not manifested its corporeal form in her mindscape, she could not 'see' its reaction. Still, she could feel its hot gales of rage trying to raze her mind.

Its frustrated screech was inhumanely high-pitched.

She had hit a nerve.

The pain in her shoulder suddenly became crippling. She suppressed a grunt from escaping her throat and in retaliation, gripped the jewel tighter, her knuckles under the bandages turning white. Summoning the largest surge of power she could muster right now, she sent a bolt of purifying energy into the swirl of darkness that was expanding from the center of the pinkish jewel.

The malevolent pneuma hissed, its wrath receding to be replaced by a wall of apprehension. For the sake of negotiation, it manifested its form as a disembodied pale face with a pair of ominously red eyes and muttered, 'This… won't do. This won't do at all.'

Despite Magatsuhi's countenance being entirely different from Sesshomaru's, the blue stripes stretching on each side of its large cheeks tugged at her thoughts. Throughout her travels, she had encountered several demonic entities with this particular set of features. Were they a symbol of great power? Or some kind of glamorous adornment?

'Have you become so enamored that you would risk idle musings?' Magatsuhi smirked, its lips curved like an angled crescent moon.

Realizing that it was prodding her notions in a certain direction, she banished the unintentional musing almost immediately. But it was too late as the devil itself pounced on the weakness like a ravaged wolf that had not eaten in days. 'The dog spawn. As much as I loathe to admit it, I know you. You're not futile to the extent that you would fall for his pretty face only. So why? What is it about him that makes your heart swoon?'

It let out a gleeful snicker. 'It cannot be his imperious attitude or his exalted status. And you've shown your qualms about his ideal. Though frankly, the dog is correct in this regard if nothing else. Demons. Humans. Any sentimental being ought to follow its desire. It is in its nature. Your trepidation to let passion take hold is why you will always be different, an outcast who is human in shape only. You long to be an ordinary woman, do you not?'

She gave no reply, which only reinforced the terrible grin plastered on its large bleached face to spread even wider. 'There is nothing wrong with rejecting a life that is not your choice. Those apathetic gods threw you into this world to serve as a pawn for their grand schemes. They made you the guardian of the Shikon Jewel. They forced you to be my jailer — your soul molded into being the sole key to my prison. You are expected to carry humanity's evil for all eternity until the new era. But when that time comes and you are no longer needed, they will toss you aside like trash. Is that the fate you want? You should be apoplectic with rage. Where is the cry of unjust? The gods unfairly deprived you of any normalcy, much like how they robbed my freedom. It's time you renege on the identity of the infallible saint they shackled you with and be the woman you desire. You cannot tell me you've never thought of renouncing it all to be simply embraced by your beloved.'

With malevolence in its intent, the dark entity within the jewel reached deep into her mind and seized the memories related to the daiyoukai.

The first time she saw him up close, he was the definition of eminence as he brandished his weapon in a series of fluid motions. The sunlight streamed around his white-clad figure and bounced off his silver armor, adding glamour to the splendor that he already was.

Whereas he spared her no more than an indifferent glance, she conducted her curious scrutiny. Aside from possessing a formidable amount of youki, old habits prompted her to assess his character while he conversed with his father.

He was a daiyoukai of no-nonsense, an individual filled with the drive to succeed. He had the power and determination to strive for his ultimate goal: to surpass his father and earn his approval. But more importantly, she saw through the layer beneath the contemptuous Inu Prince. Hiding behind all that aloofness, pride, and dignity was a youth struggling to distinguish himself from the shadow of his renowned father.

The son of the great Inu no Taisho. The Guardian of the Shikon Jewel.

The Inu Prince of the West. The Saint of the East.

The Aristocratic Assassin. The Holy Entity.

So revered they were that they were known by many titles. Nonetheless, how many of these aliases were generated by what the people saw or what the world expected of them? Just how many were a true reflection of who they were?

Coming out of her evaluation, she did not shy away from vocalizing her observations when the ruler of the west inquired. "As you said, Lord Touga. It is impressive. However, I see no individuality in his aura."

'Hehe. I see. You feel that he, swallowed by his father's legacy, is a kindred soul,' Magatsuhi commented and would have mockingly rubbed its chin had it possessed hands.

Having extracted what it sought, it switched the memory with another one.

She knew from the start that Sesshomaru was powerful. However, he still startled her with his aptitude during their brief clash. There was not a shred of doubt that he was a daiyoukai born to be a warrior. His prevailing aura slammed into her as she raised her arm guard to meet the flat side of his blade. There was an overwhelming pressure that aimed to have her kneel before his might… and she would have submitted, if she was a lesser fighter. Just before her legs yielded, she forwent any form of subtlety, gathered her powers, and retaliated with a blast of energy.

Apparently, he had been somewhat impressed. His response after their spar was coated with insouciance, though it was also graced by a hint of acceptance. "Very well, Hijiri. Continue to prove me your worth and I shall permit you to address me as simply Sesshomaru."

'An equal. Not worshipped or treated as an inferior being. You, an outcast, sought to have an equal standing next to a demon lord.' A loud snicker raptured from its throat. 'Next.'

"Lord Touga strives to create a world where youkai like you… And humans such as myself — can coexist in harmony." She heard herself speak as a new scene was swapped with the last. Her past self was sitting under a beautiful arbor, with a shogi board before her and the Inu prince as her opponent.

His haughty huff was predicted but the lack of haughty remarks surprised her. She had known that her dream was hopeful — most would call it delusional. The animosity between humans and demons was not an easy problem to resolve, even with the collaboration between the great general predicted to be the True Ruler and the Holy Entity.

She could not prevent the minuscule smile from appearing behind her veil. He had neither approved nor condemned her dream. For some inexplicable reason, that meant more to her than it ought to have.

'It was his quiet acceptance that planted the seed of affection into your heart...' As the last syllable left its lips, the memory rippled like water from a hurled stone before morphing to show Sesshomaru's fight with Ryukotsusei.

He must have instinctively known that there was a high chance he was not going to emerge the victor. This was, after all, an enemy that could severely injure Lord Touga. Anyone else would have brought reinforcement but Sesshomaru ventured alone, only taking what little assistance she had offered.

She could have given him direct support in battle but she did not. She did not intervene because the battle was a personal one. It was Sesshomaru's quest for vengeance and recognition. Direct help was tabooed. She was aware that he would rather perish honorably in a battle than accept help. His pride as a warrior and as the heir of the Inu clan would not allow it.

"Nothing but a simple chant that would grant fortune… Stay safe, Sesshomaru." Thus, she said very little and stood by the sideline, opting to respect his needs and trust his skills.

'So that is how you see it. You trusted his ability to defeat his father's foe. And he entrusted his wounds and safety to your care. Mutual trust... how sickening.' Being the embodiment of imprudence, malice, deception, and prejudice, Magatsuhi found their bond disgusting. Still, it did not dismiss the recollection and let it run its course, seemingly convinced that there was something there to use against her.

The forest was devoid of living creatures but them as he seized her right wrist in a firm but self-conscious grip.

"Was that necessary?" His voice was monotone as he surveyed the blood oozing out of the fresh wound on her palm. The majority spoke of him as a feared yet insensitive demon. But in that instant, there was no mistaking the underlying concern he had for her.

There was no disdainful commentary this time before the images accelerated into a blurred spinning mass akin to being pulled in by a hurricane. The tornado of visuals only slowed once Magatsuhi settled on a certain timeframe.

A dazzling smirk danced on his fair features and his eyes shimmered with an intent that commanded obedience. "You're the healer, Hijiri, not I. If your hands are meant for healing, then my claws exist to kill. Leave vanquishing the youkai and saving the girl to me. Stay here, rest, and tend to your wound properly."

To say that she was stunned speechless was an understatement. After all, Sesshomaru was renowned for lacking empathy; he did everything for himself and no one else. It was unprecedented for him to pay heed to the well-being of another and enlist aid. Nevertheless, time spent with him had informed her that he was not without a heart. Self-centered as he was, he was capable of caring.

Thus, she entrusted him with Rin's safety.

"I'm aware you memorized neither the demon nor Rin's scent. My shikigami, Kochou, shall guide you while I tend to your demand." For the first time, she passed the baton of being the protector to another along with her Shikigami.

'Ah, yes. Compared to those humans, who profit from your protection but care nothing for your wellbeing, the demon's subconscious act of compassion moved you. And so, the seed of affection was watered...'

She felt the sudden terror that almost caused a shiver when its statement struck too close to her core. Feeling her sense of discomfort via the same bond that she could feel its exhilaration rise, the incarnation of humanity's evil tossed her a cruel smirk before taking them both into another recollection.

Pain.

Horrible pain assaulted her trapped form as the ghost-like arm dug deeper into her, intending to rip out her soul. Drained of her strength and spiritual energy, her struggles proved to be futile. Only more pain, exhaustion, and labored breathing accompanied her attempts.

From the glue-like bubble that was her confinement, she was vaguely aware that there was a commotion. Something told her that there was a fierce battle nearby, though she could spare no attention to what was transpiring.

Who was fighting? Who was winning?

She couldn't tell.

The agony of having one's soul ripped out was excruciating. Her consciousness was fading. In the recess of her mind, her instincts warned that blacking out would be fatal, that her soul would be lost for good—

—All of a sudden, she felt an inundated power of what could only be described as supreme might. With her restraints dissolving into nothingness and the insufferable torment lessening, she managed to crack open her eyelids.

What she saw knew no equivalent.

Sesshomaru... in his full pre-eminent glory.

She took in the charisma presented on his stunning features, witnessed the steadfastness that set his elegant eyebrows, and captured the rare expressiveness that gleamed in his golden eyes.

He was truly breathtaking to behold, a sight as regal as the silver moon and as graceful as the wind that raced across the world.

Sesshomaru... He carried the august air of a king and the divine presence of a war god.

...Her heart missed a beat.

He took her into his arms carefully. His protective manner accompanied by the silence reassured her more than any statement.

She succumbed to his embrace wholeheartedly, knowing her spirit and body would receive the much-needed repose. She knew she could entrust her life to Sesshomaru, to the magnificent individual who had placed himself in harm's way to save her.

As an itinerant who protected the weak by slaying evil with her trusted Hama no Ya, she had never accepted aid from another. From her perspective, asking for protection would lead to reliance that would wear away her resolve, ultimately making her heart vulnerable. Every fiber of her refused to be reduced to a dependent woman habitually calling for help. However, she had nothing to fear in regard to Sesshomaru because he would accept no liability by his side.

She let a tiny smile grace her features.

The peaceful darkness that came to claim her awareness had never been so alluring…

Awakening on a makeshift cot, her heart was beating at a relaxed tempo while her mind raced with deliberations.

The daiyoukai who had deemed compassion to be a weakness… had come for her.

Gratified with the development, she cast aside her pride as a protector and expressed her appreciation as the one being protected. "...Thank you for saving me, Sesshomaru. When I was imprisoned and had my soul wrenched out, I assumed the worst, that this extended life of mine would have been over. But you came. I'm grateful."

'Thus, the seed sprouted and grew. Now, its roots are buried deep in your heart. Heh, admit it, Kikyo. You want to return and beg for his forgiveness. You want to relinquish this burden enforced upon you. Go on. Do it. There's nothing but your farcical, self-imposed fidelity that is stopping you.'

Magatsuhi was relentless in his assault. She gritted her teeth as her head exploded in pure agony. Her hands shot up to cradle it and her body reflexively curled into a ball. For a millisecond, she morbidly wondered what would kill her first — her shattering headache or the blood loss from her injuries.

'Oh, fret not. You won't die that easily. I won't allow it and neither will those selfish gods.' Her tormentor paused, its large head swinging like a pendulum in mock sorrow. 'Again, I emphasize how cruel the gods are. They call your eternal youth a gift from the heavens when it is nothing more than a curse. A horrendous curse that traps your soul inside an unaging body. They require a soul pure enough to contain me, to serve as an everlasting prison. But the human body is feeble, a shell bound by time, so they remodeled yours without your consent. You are a tool for them to use and toss away.'

She was only half-aware of the spiteful quintessence's words. Her precious memories were being torn out one after the other. Worse than the breach of privacy was how the spirit proceeded to raze each recollection, twisting the source of her happiness with negative emotions. Greed, fear, sorrow, doubt, hatred, and bitterness were formed, amplified, and imbued into her soul.

'Let the hatred consume you, Kikyo. Loathe every living creature who is bound to time. Despise the parsimonious gods who gave you nothing but pain.'

'I loathe… despise… I-I...' A scream was nearly ripped from her throat but she held it back with a bite of her bottom lip, drawing blood. Was this tortuous internal struggle her punishment from the gods? Despite being a miko, she had broken the taboo and fallen for a daiyoukai. Was that why—

'No, those lazy gods do not deserve anything but your spite. Do not try to justify their ludicrous nature. They call themselves divine rulers and know nothing of humankind. They are ignorant of how deeply intertwined the soul and the heart is. They do not — cannot — comprehend how simple it is for a young woman to be entangled by her emotions, regardless of how much physical power they wield. Hehe. Kikyo, blame not yourself but the gods. You're only a mere human,' Magatsuhi crackled while its warden writhed on the ground.

The woman's psyche was in complete turmoil. There was no amelioration from her usually fortified heart, so lost in the ocean of grief as it was. It would not be long until she fell...

'No, I am a miko...'

'Yet a woman all the same—'

'...It is my mission to protect the jewel.'

'—one who yearns to love and be loved.'

In her frantic midst to center herself, she was hit with a jaundiced epiphany: Magatsuhi was correct. She was only a human. Although mentally stronger than most, she was still susceptible to her desires. She was no saint, nor was she remotely close to being immaculate. Ultimately, she was a flawed human prone to making errors. While she was convinced that the special bond she had forged with Sesshomaru was no mistake, their time together had anchored her as a human woman with feelings that the evil within the Shikon Jewel wanted to exploit. Perhaps if she had an eon to learn life experiences as the gods had intended, then she could overcome the ordeals that maimed her heart.

But at present, she was both physically and mentally weakened. For Magatsuhi, this was an opportunity of a lifetime to earn its long-awaited freedom. For Kikyo, this was a doomed battle. In her current state, it was a hopeless endeavor to overpower and re-contain the malevolence.

She was running out of time and options. Once Magatsuhi broke free, countless people were going to suffer. Like a sea of miasma, the evil would swallow and corrupt everything it touched. She could not let that happen, regardless of the sacrifices she would have to make.

"It must be painful but I urge you to remain strong. Your soul is the seal that separates the jewel's evil from mankind. You must be strong and live on, for you are the Holy Entity. You alone must bear the sins of this accursed world and bring forth the dawn of a new era."

"You are destined for a long, lonely journey of hardship. I do not wish such fate upon anyone but you were born with the ability to bind the jewel to your soul. It is an inescapable fate. I can only implore you to stay strong and never lose your heart."

Ringing with clarity in her mind was her mentor's solemn advice when the then eighteen-year-old was elected as the next guardian. The successor of Midoriko found herself drawing strength from her mentor's teachings.

The sagacious part of her sprang into action. '… Somewhere deep within me is the dream of a human woman that seeks to be with Sesshomaru. Magatsuhi is exploiting my memories to augment the desire in my heart. The affection I have for Sesshomaru is being manipulated… There is nothing I can do to change that, nor do I wish to. However, I can prevent it from being wielded as a weapon against me.'

Unable to think of an alternative, she squeezed her eyes shut and coalesced all of her remaining energy before shoving the concentrated blast straight into the Shikon Jewel. Caught off guard, the unsuspecting personification of evil let out a screech.

Hastily, she snatched up all the memories related to Sesshomaru. From their encounter to their separation, she purged the condemning influence away from her recollections before compressing them into the furthest corner of her mind.

'… I have no other choice. I have to seal them away… Those precious memories… Forgive me, Sesshomaru…'

Breathing heavily, all she could feel was the headache threatening to crack her brain in half.

Her mind was sluggish. Her body was aching. Everything was distorted.

"Forgive me… Sesshomaru…" she uttered instinctively, fighting back a wince. Her throat was sore because — because of what? She found herself unable to recall how she had been wounded.

She frowned. Something was wrong. Something irreplaceable was... gone. The fact that she was missing something, whatever it was, gnawed her heart. A lone streak of tears emerged and slid down the side of her cheek. By the time her finger touched the liquid, she was far too enervated to fathom why she was shedding it.

Disorientated, she stayed on the ground with no real sense of the time passing. It was only when enough of her strength had returned that she pushed her unsteady form upright. With everything barely comprehensible to her, she allowed her instincts to guide her to a place where she could seek refuge.

Inexplicably, the trail ahead felt very lonely.

In the span of time we live out our lives

Calmness sweeps us off our feet

In the end, we're left with memories kept

Locked away, as they spiral down and fade away from thee

As for me, I'll sing the song of now

For that's all that I can do

Though my memories escape me

They're a part of my heart, just as I have thought of you

-Spinning Song (Vocaloid)

More Author's Notes: I know this chapter is more of a recap/interlude than anything else. However, I believe it's very important to rehash some of the key events in Kikyo's POV and also explore the circumstances that led to her being the way she is. For anyone interested, the referenced snippets can be found in chapters 23, 24, 25, 28, and 29.

Now that we have both Sesshomaru and Kikyo's feelings sorted out, we'll be jumping straight back into the present for the conversation that we have all been waiting for!

On a side note, I was listening to Spinning Song (Vocaloid) by Lizz Robinett (lyrics above) when writing this chapter. This English cover is beautiful and I think it matches Kikyo's internal mindset. Personally, the lyrics would contain the feelings she would have wanted to convey to Sesshomaru. Alas, our favorite miko remains trapped between her duty (the general love for the greater good of humanity) and her personal love for the daiyoukai.

Until next time!