Nothing felt as good as sitting down after hours of manual labor.
Kyrillos was having his afternoon smoke in his favorite hideout — Pelagia never visited the stables — they'd been empty for years, anyway — and it was probably the biggest advantage of the place ever since he picked up the smoking habit.
And so, there he was — a pipe in his hand, his legs, tired from the garden work, sprawled on the floor, his back, aching from the old age and his wife's nagging — that was his recent theory — nestled against the pile of hay; and he was happy. This was his time to unwind and reflect on the wonders of the world.
If he'd been younger, most of those thoughts would've been of what the future held, but now he caught himself reaching into the past more and more often. His younger self would've scolded him for it, but the current one let him get carried away by those musings with quiet resignation.
It wasn't like there was much that could still happen, anyway.
In fact, he hadn't given the future a single thought in ages; up until these last couple of days. The two of their household guests — the troubled couple — were often on his mind, he couldn't help it. He saw too much of himself in that proud young man for it to be otherwise. Talking to him, trying to get through to him, share some of his experience with him — it felt quite indescribable, really, a bit like he was dealing with his younger self.
Sometimes — but just sometimes — he wished someone had shared some of that wisdom with him those thirty years ago, when he could've still turned his life around; be smarter, less proud, and not lose the woman that was quite like the woman that Arkadios was about to lose.
It was quite tragic, really, and painful to watch, how those two would stab one another, both defensive, and all out of fear; both equally strong and stubborn, both scared. No balance.
Although, Kyrillos was sure that the dark-haired warrior woman did have a soft side to her as well — she would have had the whole of Greece tremble at her feet by now if it had been otherwise.
Arkadios was drawn to that soft side of her, more than he probably realized — and he craved it so desperately that when she would shield it from him, he would get furious and hurt her in return, which would make her defenses go up yet more, and that led to clashes. And clashes left them both battered, that much Kyrillos saw around the house. And frustrated.
And it made him, Kyrillos, frustrated as well — to see how futile it all was, and how much of himself he saw in it — and he wanted it to stop, for their sake, for his own sake, for everyone's sake. Even for the blonde girl's sake, because that big heart of hers bled when she saw her friend suffer, and that in turn made Kyrillos' own heart break in half.
If he wanted to be completely honest with himself and listen to his reason solely, he would've said those two weren't going to make it. Not unless some external factors came into play and forced them to come out of their shells to work as a team — a child could do that. The thought crossed his mind this morning, when he caught a glimpse of her leaving the barn. Then again, she didn't seem like the type of a woman who left such things, or any things for that matter, to fate, so that scenario was rather unlikely to occur.
What was definitely more likely, though, was that yet another fight had happened — which would've explained Arkadios showing up right here right now, looking not too good, and, judging by his expression, feeling no better than he looked. Having peeked in for a second, he stepped inside, with a sigh of relief that didn't escape Kyrillos' attention.
So, Arkadios was looking for him, Kyrillos thought, smiling, warmth spreading in his chest.
He was troubled, this kid, he was, but boy, if he'd been his son, he would've been damn proud of him. To give up a godly, eternal life, for a woman he loved — it was as foolish as it was admirable; and humbling, and probably not even fully comprehensible for an average man. Did she even realize how much that was? She had to. But she loved him either way, that much was clear, no matter how much she tried to fool herself, to fool them both. And she was obviously still in denial; Arkadios' face was now saying it all.
Not surprisingly, he didn't say a word, he just walked over and sat down in the hay next to where Kyrillos was reclining; sat down and closed his eyes, his breath uneven, heavy with pent-up anger.
It moved him that Arkadios chose to come to him in such a moment. But, as much as he was curious about how the matters were unfolding, he knew better than to push; the boy was going to open up of his own accord, he just needed time.
"I'm leaving tomorrow," Arkadios said, not looking at him. It was how they usually talked – side by side, staring in front of them.
Kyrillos swallowed hard. Suddenly, all the lines he had prepared in his head, everything he wanted to say, was gone. "You're not," he blurted, surprising himself a bit with how harsh it came out.
Arkadios sighed, his shoulders sagging. Kyrillos watched him closely; it was obvious he didn't want to leave. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision, made after an argument with her.
"She's staying," Arkadios said flatly, clenching his teeth.
"I know, son, I as much as asked them girls to stay myself," Kyrillos paused, and then added, "…but I want all of you to stay."
"Thanks, but—"
"But what? What the hell is wrong with you kids? You would die for one another! Why on earth can't you make it work? She loves you, for gods' sake!" Kyrillos breathed, gripping his knees until his knuckles went white. This was nowhere near how he planned this talk to go, but to hell with it, he was fed up.
"Look, it's not me she wants, it's the guy I am now when we're here," he scoffed. "That's not the real me."
Kyrillos exhaled, biting down his moustache. It all made a whole different sense now that he understood what the real me stood for. The real him never managed to win her heart. The current him did. It was the current, mortal him that she fell in love with. And the god in him resented her for it.
"You wanna be your old self again," Kyrillos stated.
Arkadios put his head down, air leaving his lungs in a loud exhale. "If I were to decide to give up my old life for good, I would need to know there's a point, that there's a future."
"Son, if you expect her to make you any promises, you're in for a lifetime of waiting – in vain. Troubled and independent women like that won't promise you forever. She's got too much turmoil in her soul to know what tomorrow brings. That kind of woman – you can only love her today."
"Well, that's not good enough."
Kyrillos sighed, hanging his head down. Then, he looked up, high into the sky. Arkadios was so much like his younger self. Kyrillos understood the pride better than anyone. But then, was his past really comparable? He did lose a woman to his pride, that he did. But if he hadn't – there was way to tell what their future would have held; maybe they'd have ended up bitter and distant like him and Pelagia. Maybe this young man's pride was saving him. Maybe they really were doomed to fail, and he was only feeding false hope to the boy.
Maybe he just shouldn't say anything and leave it be.
But gods damn him – he couldn't.
"When I was your age, I met a woman. She wasn't a kid anymore – around my age – of course, my mother didn't approve – and I knew nothing about her family, her background – they appeared in our village out of nowhere – she and her sister – and moved in with an elderly couple next door, but – I'm telling you – the first time I laid my eyes on her," he paused to take a hit from the pipe, "it was like a lightning bolt shot right through me – first time I laid my eyes on her. And I just knew right then – because you just know – that I had to make her mine or die trying." Kyrillos paused for a breath. That particular memory still had the same effect on him, even after all those years.
"What happened?"
Kyrillos smiled at the unexpected question. It wasn't like Arkadios to be curious like that.
"She loved horses. She was good with a sword, too. Tried to teach me, but I was pretty hopeless; almost cut off my foot once," Kyrillos chuckled at the memory. A little sideway glance confirmed what he expected — Arkadios sat there with his ears perked up.
"We wanted to travel the country together, breed horses, sail the seas, see the world… she wanted everything… she was like a magic potion, you know? When I was with her, I felt I could do anything, like the world was all mine to take…" he paused, realizing that for a god, it wasn't anything special to have the world at their feet. But maybe now that he was mortal, his perspective changed.
He looked to the right. Arkadios was sitting there, his eyes closed, breathing through open mouth. Kyrillos felt his chest tighten.
"So, what happened?" Arkadios asked, never opening his eyes.
"Life happened, son. After a year on the road, I wanted to settle down, have kids. She didn't. I loved our life, but I guess I just wanted to feel that I can take care of her, be a man, build us a house, take care of her and the kids… it wasn't something I could have on the road, you know… on the road we were just permanent adventurers, and in all honesty she took better care of me than the other way round when it came to safety – and I gotta say – well, as a man, I didn't handle that too well, either, if you know what I mean..."
"Better than I'd like to," Arkadios huffed, his eyes still closed.
"I wanted to marry her, you know?"
"I think I know where this is going…" Arkadios sighed.
"And that's exactly why I'm telling you all this—"
"So lemme guess, she said she said she couldn't promise you forever?"
Kyrillos smirked, raising his eyebrows and brushing the tip of his nose with his index finger. Furrowing his brows, he narrowed his eyes, drawing a deep breath in. "She would say that promises don't mean anything… that once people take those vows, they stop trying to be good to each other. We would argue about it for weeks, but I gotta tell you something, son – now, thirty years later, I'm starting to think she wasn't wrong at all," Kyrillos chuckled under his breath.
"So, you left."
Kyrillos sighed, but his interlocutor's impatience made him smile.
"We were both proud. She didn't want commitment, and I… it's something I understood only many years later… it was my pride – it wasn't really that much about us wanting different things – I could've spent the rest of my life on the road or doing whatever else and be happy, as long as it was with her – but the fact that she wouldn't submit to doing things my way – that was what I couldn't stand. So, I left. I never wanted to see her again. I came back to our village and married her sister."
"Pelagia…"
For a while, they sat in silence, Kyrillos trying to even out his breath, not very successfully.
"Did you ever regret it?" Arkadios' flat, pensive voice broke the silence, throwing him completely off guard.
Kyrillos sighed deeply, squeezing his eyes shut, heart thudding, the lump in his throat cutting his breath off, making it hard to say the words out loud.
"Every single day."