"Lotta people."
"Not enough."
Noodle turned and glanced around the church. It was pretty much packed, but an entire stadium full of people wouldn't have felt like enough. The world had found out, of course, initially with a statement posted across the bands socials, then with Russel going on camera a few days later to provide the hordes of panicked avatars more context. It was originally going to be all three of them. But Murdoc had disappeared a couple days after the accident. It wasn't unlike him to escape when times were difficult, plus a bag of belongings was gone and half the spirits cupboard was raided, so they didn't see much reason to worry. Plenty of reason to be angry, though. They needed each other now more than ever, and even now he was more concerned about himself. They'd hoped he'd been back for the funeral, but as it was, she was left balling her fists as she stared at the empty space between herself and Russel.
Noodle shoved the anger down. Today wasn't about him.
After all, could she really look down on him that much after she backed out of appearing on camera too? Her and Russel had got about 20 seconds into the first take before she burst into tears and begged Russel to do it himself. She hadn't needed to beg, he'd accepted with a heavy understanding. Even now, with Gorillaz all but over, he was still shouldering the responsibility of being the true heart and soul of the group. She didn't know what any of them would have done without him.
They were in Crawley for the funeral. Russel said 2D's parents were owed that, though Noodle considered that a morbid concept. No parent should deserve to see their dead son. Noodle had lost count of how many times 2D had asked for the band to spend Thanksgiving at his parents place, with an increasingly aggravated Murdoc explaining each time that Thanksgiving was A) for the Yanks, and B) Awful.
Noodle choked at the happy memory. That emotion wasn't allowed, either.
His parents looked over at her and gave weak smiles. They'd been spared the specific details, as had the rest of the world. Just a massive accident at their home, minimal pain, surrounded by his second family. All of it was true, but Noodle couldn't help feeling like she'd gotten away with something. Every time a friend, fan or artist had messaged with their love and support she'd felt like screaming.
"It was me. I did it. It's my fault."
"Hey."
Russel snapped her out of her stewing. It was only then she realised she'd murmured that out loud. She looked around. Nobody had heard or noticed. She breathed a sigh of relief, then cursed herself for feeling that way.
"I don't want to talk to anyone." Noodle crossed her arms.
Russel responded with a cross of his own. "Most of these people travelled a long way to get here. They wanna feel like they're helping us."
Stuart's parents had a decently sized middle-class house, but it was still far below what most of the guests were used to. Nonetheless, they exchanged quiet pleasantries with each other in the Pots' distinctly 90's living room and kitchen, with a handful smoking out in the garden.
Russel and Noodle had headed straight for the bathroom after the funeral, which is where they remained.
"And what will they say? What will I say back? Sure is crap that D is dead, also these Mini Cheddars are sick!"
She heard a couple of people downstairs laugh and scowled. What was there to laugh about on a day like this?
"I hate wakes."
"Everybody does." Russel said. "But sharing stories is how we cope. How we find out new things about them, even after they're gone."
"I don't want to learn anything new!" Noodle shouted with a voice crack, "If I wanted to know anything else I would've asked him!"
Russel let the moment sit before retorting. Noodle swallowed and nodded.
"And that's why we're needed. We gotta be selfless right now. For D. To them downstairs, we're the closest they got to seeing him again. To knowing him. When they see us, it'll be like he's here now. All they have is ideas, moments. We got the truth."
A tear escaped from Noodle, which Russel caught quickly with his thumb.
"Thank you for coming, Paula."
"How could I not?" Paula swayed slightly as she tipped back the last of the wine in her glass. Noodle had deliberately saved Paula for last just in case she decided to leave early, but the sun was going down and there remained a healthy amount of alcohol, plus there were a few celebrity attendees she hadn't schmoozed yet.
Paula opened another bottle that was close by and poured herself a large glass. "Bless his heart. I know this is gonna sound really bad—" she poured Noodle a glass, ignoring Noodle's outward hand indicating she didn't want any, "but I had a feeling of the four of you, he'd be the first to go. I mean he always seemed way in over his head with all the antics you lot got up to."
"Mhmm."
"I've been talking to Stu's parents all evening" She lied, "I know them really well so it was alright. Just the usual shpiel, 'he always loved you both', 'he's in a better place', all that shite, y'know?"
"Thanks for that." Noodle said curtly, swirling her glass of wine and looking deep inside it for something.
Paula took a long, loud sip. "Just doing what I can to help." She put a hand on Noodle's arm. Noodle jerked it away, managing to transition it into taking a drink herself, smiling flatly at Paula while doing so.
Paula exhaled, satisfied. She looked around.
"So, where's Murdoc?"
It was long past dark by the time Russel and Noodle arrived back in West London. Traffic had been horrendous and the journey consisted of two hours of dead silence, broken briefly by Russel's "You alright?" And Noodle's even briefer "Yep."
It was almost 1am when Noodle finally slumped on the living room sofa, and lit a cigarette. She'd resisted smoking all day as the band had been told how much 2D's parents hated it, but now such a feeling had never been needed more.
Russel poked his head through the door and she turned to look at him. He rubbed the back of his head.
"You hungry?"
She shrugged.
"I was gonna make a grilled cheese or something, I can make you one if you want."
She thought for a moment, and nodded.
Russel's phone began ringing. He took it out and stared at it, before returning to Noodle.
"Cool." He answered the phone and turned to walk down the hallway.
"'Sup man?"
Noodle listened to his footsteps fade away, then frowned as the sound stopped abruptly.
"…No, I haven't" she heard Russel say.
"…Well, what's he said?"
Noodle climbed of the sofa and crept towards the doorway.
"…you're kidding. You're kidding, right?"
Noodle cracked her knuckles nervously.
"…he's dead. No I'm serious, he's actually dead. Did you see what bar it was? …I gotta go…No, no, I'm glad you did. Talk to you later."
A beep. Then a massive crash of a fist hitting the wall, making Noodle jump and back away instinctively. Footsteps rapidly returned to the living room, though Russel stopped when he noticed Noodle standing just a few feet away.
"That was Damon." He said solemnly.
"Murdoc?" Noodle assumed.
Russel sighed.
"Russ, what's he done?"
Noodle's phone vibrated in her pocket. Then again. A third time. Then non-stop, continuous, calls and messages, texts and DM's, all along the same theme.
'FUCK YOU.'
Noodle peeked around Russel's arm as he brought up a video on his phone.
"You probably don't wanna see this." He said quietly.
"I do." Noodle whispered.
It was a live video on Instagram that had been saved by the user, Noodle didn't recognise the username. She did recognise the subject of the video, however. An incredibly drunk looking Murdoc, surrounded by beautiful people as they pawed around him.
"You must be going through so much, you poor thing!" One of the people said, tugging gently at his shirt.
"Trust me, love" he told her cleavage, "I've found a frontman before, I can do it again"
The group around him whined their anguish incoherently.
"Though I will admit, I will admit" He added, shushing them with his hand "The little sod was the best singer I've found yet. And he'll be a tough one to replace."
He raised a glass.
"To 2d!" He stammered.
They repeated as such and the group downed their drinks.
A man on the other side of Murdoc prodded at him. "Aren't you sad though? Like, he wasn't just in your band, he was your friend."
"He was in my band, yes." Murdoc repeated, clearly enjoying the validation, "But sad, me? Nah. I mean, after all I did to him over the years, the ways I made his life a misery, never showed any sort of kindness or care, what right would I even have to be sad now that he's gone, eh? I wouldn't be allowed!"
He stared into nothingness for a moment. Then cleared his throat.
"So no!" He snatched a drink from one of the groupies and downed it "I always land on my feet!"
He chucked the glass behind him and the group cheered.
"And anyway, if you're gonna ask if anyone's sad, should be Noodle, she's the one that killed him."
The group fell silent. The generic club music became noticeable for the first time.
"What do you mean?" The woman behind the camera talked for the first time.
"You said it was an accident" the first woman concurred.
"They said it was an accident" Murdoc corrected, "'Suppose it was, she'd got some stupid giant remote control car or something to use in one of our videos. Left it running, ended up ramming into the lad and killing him. I always said the last time he got hit by a car it'd do him for good, just didn't think she'd be the one driving."
The group looked around, stunned. Several got their phones out and began messaging frantically.
Murdoc looked around them. His face began to fall. It was only then he noticed the phone recording.
If he had still had a soul, it would have left the moment he looked into the lens.
"Oi, were you recording?" He choked.
"N-no…" the woman behind the camera said nervously.
Murdoc leapt to his feet, suddenly appearing much more sober.
"I didn't say you could do that! Confidential!" He strode towards the camera. "Give me that blasted—"
The video cut off.
Russel turned to Noodle. She was shaking.
"I'm going to kill him." There was a seriousness in his voice she had never heard before. It went way beyond his usual threats reserved for 2D and Murdoc's squabbling.
"I'll be back." He left and headed for the front door.
Noodle came to her senses. She didn't know how to feel about Murdoc, there was too strong a sense of helplessness to feel hatred. But the one thing she did know was, she didn't want any more bloodshed. She chased after.
"Russ, no. Stop!"
He kept walking, undeterred. She sprinted past him and blocked his way.
"Don't. Please. That's not what I want."
He looked her in the eyes, a deep fury clearly brewing within him.
She refused to budge. A staring contest.
He sighed.
"What are we gonna do, Noods?"
Her shoulders sunk as she thought.
"I wanna go to bed."
She stepped past him without waiting for a response and headed upstairs.