Thank you for your patience. Just missed getting this posted as a Christmas gift, but I hope everyone enjoys opening it anyway.
Chapter Two:
In the Now, Crushed Between The Future and The Past.
By ten past ten the following morning, Rachel stopped eagerly waiting by the front door and went back up to her room. She wasn't worried yet; it was only ten minutes and not everyone was as punctual as she was.
By twenty past ten, she stopped her relentless pacing and stamped her foot lightly into the soft carpet, before she turned on her computer and drummed her fingers on the desk while she waited for it warm up.
By half-past ten, she knew Quinn hadn't tried to communicate with her through either Facebook or MySpace.
By twenty-to-eleven, she had accepted the fact that she had been stood up and was laying on her bed, staring listlessly at her ceiling and wondering why she was even surprised.
By ten-to-eleven, she was writing an impassioned rant in her journal about fickle, closeted blondes and how she was never having anything to do with them – especially a certain one of them – ever again. For real, this time.
By eleven o'clock, she was dotting a significant page in last year's Thunderclap with her tears and wondering why she let herself fall for this crap over and over again.
Quinn was making it slowly across town because she didn't want to have to turn back, and the last time she'd put her foot down she'd nearly hurled all over the steering wheel. Although, maybe she should just turn around and stay turned around. Rachel was going to be pissed that she was late already and turning up like this wasn't going to win back any favor.
With last night still fresh in her mind, and the confrontation she'd had that morning with her father even fresher, and with little sleep in between, she was in a terrible mood. She really wasn't up to any of the big discussions Rachel was bound to insist on, but at the same time she didn't want Rachel to think she'd just completely stood her up. So Quinn continued to drive, right hand resting for most of the time on her swirling stomach and her teeth firmly gritted against the bile burning the back of her throat.
Despite her conflicting feelings, she had never been more pleased to pull into the Berry's driveway and finally make her way towards a bathroom . . . uh, towards Rachel, she meant, obviously.
Oh, this was going to be fun.
At twelve minutes past eleven the doorbell rang.
Rachel looked up but didn't move. It was probably Mrs. Samuchi from across the street, who often called in at this time on the weekends to have coffee with her Dads. She was one of the few neighbours that was genuinely congenial to the Berry family, but Rachel couldn't face her today.
She didn't want to have to face anyone today.
The doorbell rang again, for a little longer this time. Mrs. Samuchi wasn't normally so insistent and surely she'd see that the car was missing. Maybe someone was delivering a package? Or maybe Mr. Donald had lost his troublesome dog again and wanted Rachel's help finding the little runaway.
She took a moment to reflect on how sad her life was, when the only people she could think might call on her was a middle-aged divorcee from across the road and a crotchety old man who hated her Dads but relied on Rachel as the only person who could ever find his disobedient terrier.
She couldn't leave Kirby out there to suffer though, so she wiped her cheeks of tears and slowly made her way to the stairs.
She was on the second step when someone leaned on the doorbell, causing it to ring continuously. It jolted her out of her stupor and she ran down the rest of the stairs. What if someone's house was on fire! And what if she'd taken so long to answer the emergency call that they lost all of their worldly possessions because of her!
Wrenching open the front door, out of breath from the panic as much as the dash down the steps, she saw the last person she was expecting on the other side.
"Hey."
"Quinn! I thought..."
Rachel tried to shake her surprise away, but what did she do now? She was conflicted over what her next move should be. If it had been anyone else turning up over an hour later than their pre-arranged meeting time she wouldn't have hesitated to show her displeasure over their lack of common courtesy but… but she was just so happy that Quinn was here at all. She'd really managed to convince herself that the blonde had changed her mind about them hanging out today – or about them entirely – and that had been the reason for her not showing up. In fact if she was honest, she'd been worrying about that long before the clock ticked past ten because surely after the heat of last night Quinn was due a another cold spell.
But here she was! Right here on her doorstep as promised and looking, well pale and impatient actually.
"So can I come in?"
"Oh, sorry! Of course," she stepped to the side and held the door wide open for her. "Excuse my bad manners. It's the shock. I thought you might have changed your mind, you see, because of your late arrival."
"Yeah, sorry. Something came up," Quinn gave a grim smile. "Actually a lot of things came up."
Rachel returned it with sympathy, "Oh, then your tardiness is completely understandable and forgiven. Are you feeling better now at least?"
"No."
"Oh."
"Could you shut the door?"
As soon as it clicked closed Quinn had hands on her shoulders and was pushing her back against it, nose dropping to Rachel's neck in the same instant.
"Uh, Quinn!" Chuckling, Rachel pushed her gently away.
"What?" Quinn stepped back, nervously looking around, "Are you Dads' home? I saw there was no car and I assumed…"
"No, they're out; playing Squash, or badminton, or tennis… something with a racket anyway."
"Then what's wrong?" Quinn was already stepping into her space again, her taller frame giving Rachel no choice but to stay against the door, "I thought this was okay now? You said it was."
Rachel kept her nose at bay with a hand on her cheek, "It is, but don't I at least get a kiss hello first?"
"Seriously? Do you have to be that needy? I thought boys were bad enough."
"I… I…" Hurt and confused, and not understanding what she had done so wrong to cause the sudden anger in Quinn's eyes, Rachel didn't know what to say.
Quinn lightly shook her head, muttering, "I'm sorry." She pressed a hand to her stomach and took a deep breath, "Ignore me."
"Oh!" Rachel got it now, "Come here."
She half expected Quinn to refuse now on principle but her need was obviously too great and she greedily pushed her nose against Rachel's neck.
Rachel couldn't relax now but she tried to help the other girl by running a soothing hand up and down her back. It worked, slowly, and eventually Quinn's hands moved from gripping her upper-arms tightly to resting gently on her shoulders. Soon, her breathing changed from harsh, annoyed huffs to deep, even breaths – in through her nose, of course, and out from her mouth.
Rachel spoke up again as soon as she felt it was safe to do so, "Quinn, I . . ."
"Okay, okay, fine!"
Quinn swiftly picked up her head and kissed her 'hello,' but the contact was hard enough that Rachel could feel teeth behind her lips, and emotionally it felt more like a smack than a kiss.
Rachel pulled her head back and raised her hand to her mouth to see if she was bleeding. Quinn's head was already buried back in her neck before she could see that, no she wasn't.
"Quinn?"
"What now?" Was growled against her shoulder, "What else could possibly be wrong, Berry?"
"You're attitude for one thing. While I don't mind in the slightest helping you in this way, or in any way, I do expect at the very least a little civility in return. Obviously something must have upset you for your behaviour towards me to change so much overnight and so I am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but I would find it a lot easier to do if you could tell me what is going on."
"Nothing's going on. I just feel sick and you yammering in my ear isn't helping."
Rachel bit her tongue against a retort and took a calming breath, "Did something happen last night after you left?"
"Oh no, last night was a blast!" Despite being muffled, the sarcasm came through loud and clear.
"Something happened at the dance, didn't it?" Rachel had expected it would.
Not even Quinn Fabray could stand up and make a speech like she had and not expect some fall out. Rachel thought she had been very brave to face everyone afterwards, but she'd also mentioned that it might be a little foolish and maybe it would have been wise to let everyone have a weekend to get it out of their systems, but Quinn had insisted that not showing up at all would only make it look like she had something to hide. Something to be ashamed of.
Maybe it hadn't been the fool proof plan Quinn had hoped.
"What happened? Did someone say something to you?"
Quinn tore away from her and wouldn't meet her eyes, "If I wanted to talk, I'd hire a therapist. Do you have a bathroom down here?"
"Uh."
"Quick, unless you want me to hurl on your feet!"
Rachel pointed to the other side of the foyer, "Through that door there. Do you want me to…"
Quinn was already rushing away. "No!"
Kneeling on the floor of the half-bath, Quinn beat herself up mentally as her stomach beat her up physically.
She knew she was being unnecessarily mean to Rachel but she couldn't help it. She just felt so sick and she didn't want to talk about anything, especially last night. Every time Rachel opened her mouth, even to make the most innocuous comment, Quinn was assaulted with memories she wished had been robbed from her by the alcohol. But no, they were all still startlingly clear, especially the worst of them. And how could she share them with Rachel? At best they'd make her feel bad and then she'd want to discuss them in that reassuring yet patronising tone she had when she was sure she was right and everyone else was wrong.
Quinn didn't want to be reassured and she didn't want to get into an argument about it. One that would probably involve her yelling about how this was all Rachel's fault! That her social life was teetering on the precipice because she'd been stupid enough to give Rachel what she'd wanted. That she wished she'd had the sense to let Rachel go instead of giving into her feelings. Feelings that she'd never wanted in the first damn place but she was stuck with. Feelings that made her make speeches to half the school about trying to kiss another girl, because she was so stupidly desperate to keep that girl wanting to kiss her.
It was all Rachel's fault that she was an emotional wreck right now, but she couldn't tell her that.
She just wanted to work through it on her own and come to whatever conclusion she did without Rachel's wounded input. It would be easier in the long run, for both of them.
If only she could make the other girl see that just being here was hard enough; that it was already a major triumph over her deeper fears and that she was fighting against so many voices telling her she shouldn't be here just so that the one little voice telling her it was okay could be heard.
She just had to find a way to communicate that to Rachel without, you know, actually having to say it.
After ten minutes, she felt like she could safely leave the washroom. After rinsing her mouth out at the sink she let herself back into the foyer. Rachel was standing exactly where she'd left her and looked up nervously to meet her eyes.
Taking a steadying breath and straightening her shoulders, Quinn forced herself to smile a little as she walked up to take her hand.
"Sorry about that."
Rachel squeezed her hand, "That's okay. It's not like you could help it. Did you want to go and hang-out upstairs now?"
Quinn tensed slightly; it wasn't that Rachel's tone had been suggestive or anything but maybe it was better not to give her any false hope.
"Maybe it's better if we don't, what with your parents not being home."
Rachel frowned, "What difference does that make?"
She shrugged uncomfortably, "Well, I'm not allowed boys in my room when my parents aren't home. I assumed you had a similar rule."
Rachel grinned and Quinn realised that instead of not giving her false hope, she'd given her ideas instead.
"But you're not a boy and I have no rules about girls being allowed in my room."
"That's a little short-sighted of your gay parents."
Rachel's grin grew, "It's a loophole I'm happy to take advantage of."
"I'm not really in the mood, Rachel."
Her hand was squeezed again. "That's okay. We can just watch a movie or something."
"No! I mean, yes we can watch a movie, but can we do it downstairs?"
"Why is this a big deal?"
Quinn shrugged and didn't say it was a big deal because when the nausea finally passed – if it ever did today – that it wouldn't take long for sitting with Rachel on her bed to get her in the mood and she didn't want to be in the mood. She didn't want the opportunity to kiss Rachel today, she didn't even want to think about it, and yet, even feeling as horrible as she was, she couldn't stop.
Yet she knew she shouldn't, not until she'd made peace with it.
"I can't explain."
"Can you explain anything?" Rachel asked, growing impatient again.
"Do you have a family room? Can we go there?"
"Of course we do! Fine, come along."
Rachel tugged her by the hand across the foyer, halfway down a short hallway and through an open door on the right. A giant TV screen was the focal point of the room with a two-seater and three-seater couch – both in faux-leather cream – angled to face it.
"Pick a movie," she pointed out a cabinet filled with DVD's, "I'll make snacks."
Quinn's stomach lurched at the mention of food but she didn't stop Rachel from leaving. After a few minutes of perusing the cabinet, she picked out Marley and Me and Mr and Mrs Smith and then left them by the side of TV for Rachel to make the final choice. Then she took a seat on the two-seater. It was comfortable, almost squishy, not like the couches at home. She let her head drop against the back, silently praying for the sickness to go away.
'It's not like I meant to do it!'
But you knew, deep down you knew, that's why you kept going back for more.
'I was thirsty!'
You wanted to run away from your problems.
'It didn't work.'
It never does.
'It made more.'
It did.
'I'm sorry.'
I know.
She murmured, "Amen." It always felt important to say that bit out loud, and then she opened her eyes to see Rachel watching curiously from the doorway, "What?"
Rachel slightly recoiled from the harsh tone, "I didn't mean to intrude."
Quinn lowered her eyes, if she wasn't careful she'd push Rachel away completely, or cause an ultimatum which would call for another speech.
"You weren't, I was just thinking," she forced another smile and nodded at the selected DVD's, "You get final say."
Rachel set a bowl of popcorn and another of chips down on the glass coffee table between the couches, along with a couple of bottles of water, and went to look at her choices.
"Ah, is this a test to see where my allegiances lay?"
Quinn cocked an eyebrow, "What?"
"You're trying to find out if I'm Team Aniston or Team Jolie."
"Oh, God, I've had enough of teams!" Quinn groaned.
"Sorry, I didn't mean…"
She hadn't meant it to come out like she was annoyed, "No, that was just a joke. Relax, Rachel."
"I'm finding that rather hard right now."
Quinn ignored that, "I just think Brad Pitt is hot, okay? And, huh, Jennifer Aniston too, I guess. Wow, I never realised that before. You really are turning me gay."
Tears stung the corners of her eyes despite her light-hearted intentions.
Rachel didn't seem to notice and gave her a shy half-smile, "I was named after her character on Friends, you know?"
Quinn smiled back, and for the first time all morning she didn't have to force it, "Then that might explain a few things."
Rachel turned away but not before Quinn saw her smile grow. She felt the tension between them ease and it felt better than anything had since leaving Rachel the night before. This was why she knew she was making the right decision; why ignoring her fear was the right way to go no matter how hard it was.
As Rachel selected Marley and Me, obviously eager to keep her as gay as possible, Quinn moved over slightly on the couch to give her room to sit down. Only, maybe she was the only one who felt a little better, because as soon as Rachel had the remote in her hand she sat down on the three-seater instead, as far from her as she could.
Quinn didn't voice her disappointment but as she watched Rachel pull up the menu and press play she felt her hurt expression spoke volumes. If Rachel noticed it, she pretended not to.
She suffered through the first ten minutes of the movie in silence before she couldn't take it anymore. Getting up, she ignored Rachel's startled expression as she walked over and sat down as close to her as possible. Any closer and she would have been sitting on her lap. Not that she would have minded sitting on her lap, but she would probably squash her or something.
Rachel's eyes were already back on the TV as she tried to ignore how close she was but Quinn could feel Rachel's apprehension in the stiffness of her body as she pressed into her.
"Relax, Rachel," she tried again.
"I thought you weren't in the mood," even her voice was taut with anxiety.
"I'm not in the mood to make out but . . . uh."
"You still feel unwell?"
"Yes," she admitted, although as much as that she just wanted to be close to her.
"Okay," still without looking away from the screen, she shifted her position slightly so that Quinn could lean in close enough to have access to her neck.
Quinn took the offer, shifting around a little until she could see the screen at the same time. Rachel was like a plank of wood against her side.
"Please relax, Rachel."
"How can I," Rachel murmured, "when I don't know what I'll do next to flip your switch back to bitch?"
Quinn almost laughed, but thankfully caught it in time because she just knew that wouldn't go over well right now.
Instead she took Rachel's furthest hand and pulled it across her body until she could rest it against her own stomach.
"See? No throat ripping."
"For now."
"I'm on edge today," she admitted, "but I'm still Dr. Jekyll. Or Mr. Hyde? Which one of those is the nice one anyway?"
Rachel chuckled softly and her hand finally relaxed in Quinn's grip, "I don't really know."
"Well, whichever, I'm not mad at you okay? I know it probably seems like I am, but I'm not."
"Then who are you mad at?"
"Everyone but you. Me mostly."
"Why?"
Quinn shook her head, "Can we just watch the movie?"
Rachel nodded and tried to pull her hand back to her own lap, but when Quinn didn't let her, she didn't try a second time. Smiling, Quinn snuggled into her neck.
Thirty minutes in, Quinn excused herself to go back to the downstairs bathroom. Rachel sighed, stretching back against the couch and wondering why she wasn't working this time. She always worked! Was that the reason Quinn was being so stand-offish today? Because she was no longer a cure, therefore starting the countdown for when Quinn wouldn't need her anymore and then she'd have no reason not to move on and forget this had ever happened between them?
She'd always known it was stupid to get invested in Quinn. Long before last night had made it feel like it was okay to fall into this, she'd known that letting go would only open the door for heartbreak, so she had no excuses for allowing it to happen anyway.
That didn't mean she wasn't terrified about it.
Quinn was hiding something from her, and she didn't know what or why, but just the fact that she wasn't telling was enough to make Rachel worried. Between that and the back and forth of her mood so far today, Rachel didn't know what to think or what to expect. She needed Quinn to be honest with her and she needed her to stop constantly running hot and cold and most of all, she needed to know where she stood.
Rachel didn't want to think the worst, but she needed answers to put her restless and worried mind at ease. She was too scared to push it though, in case she inadvertently said the thing that would push Quinn's eject button, because she knew they were hanging by a gossamer thread. They probably always would be, and she was loathe to be the one who broke it, but how could she ever feel like she was on solid ground with Quinn if she never even knew what ground she stood on?
Quinn came back before she could find any answers within her own mind and resumed her position next to her.
"What did I miss?"
"Nothing, I paused it."
"Thanks," Quinn kissed her cheek before pressing her nose to neck again.
It was such a sweet gesture it was almost enough. Almost.
Rachel pressed play, "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
Quinn pulled her hand back to her stomach and Rachel took a few seconds just to revel in how nice it felt to let her hand languidly brush up and down Quinn's t-shirt covered abs.
"I still can't feel a baby bump."
Quinn chuckled, "Good, but that's not a question."
"Who was mean to you last night?"
"No one."
"Quinn?"
"Fine, some people were out of line. It's okay, I can handle it."
"Shouldn't we be handling it together though?"
"No!" Realizing how sharp she'd been Quinn raised her head to meet her eyes. "We can't handle this stuff together, Rachel. We're both on our own as far as school is concerned. That's just the way it has to be."
"But can't we at least talk about it in private?"
"I don't want to."
"I think it will help."
"And I don't," Quinn nestled her head back down, ending the conversation.
Another twenty minutes went by before Rachel spoke again, "Can I ask another question?"
"I'm trying to watch the movie."
"Please?"
"Okay."
"What are we?"
"Human. Well, I am. I'm pretty sure your species is still a mystery."
"Funny. I meant us. What are we?"
"What do you mean?"
"How would you define our relationship in five words or less?"
She felt Quinn tense up against her and there was few seconds of pause but when she finally spoke her words were light enough, "Not a relationship, slow down."
"If we go any slower, Quinn, we'll stop!"
"Are you kidding me?" Quinn sat up again with an incredulous laugh. "A little over a week ago I was still in denial I even felt anything for you!" She gestured between their cozy positions, "I'd say we've come a long way since then."
"I guess."
"I don't want to define us. In fact, I think the only way I can keep seeing you is by not defining us."
Rachel set her eyes back on the film, "That's not reassuring."
"I've said from the start I couldn't offer you anything serious, Rachel."
"I just thought things had changed since then."
"They have, a lot has changed, just not that."
Rachel nodded.
"It doesn't mean I don't like you."
"Can we just watch the movie, please? We're missing the best bits."
"Okay."
At just over the hour mark, Quinn had to excuse herself again. This was getting embarrassing. It was always horrible getting sick in someone else's house but this many times?
At least Rachel was used to it and only looked at her with concern each time she hopped up quickly from the couch. Quinn declined her offer of help each time, knowing it wouldn't really help anyway today and not wanting Rachel to see her vomit any more than she already had. It was hardly sexy after all, and while she wasn't really concerned with looking sexy today, she didn't want the lasting images of her throwing up to be too fresh in Rachel's mind for when she did feel like being sexy again.
God, when had she ever thought about being sexy before Rachel? Once, twice . . . never, maybe? She didn't know what was going on with her lately, except that Rachel had a lot to do with it.
Rachel had everything to do with it.
It was all Rachel's fault.
After flushing the toilet and rinsing, she made her way back to the family room. Rachel looked up long enough to give her a brief smile before focusing on the screen again, barely seeming to notice Quinn curling up beside her.
Except, obviously she noticed, she was just pretending not to.
Quinn was going to have to do the very thing she really didn't want to if she wanted Rachel to relax around her for more than five minutes today. Avoidance clearly wasn't working and being nice was only taking her so far.
"Last night was horrible," she murmured, hoping Rachel wouldn't take the bait but she could at least say she tried.
Rachel did. Of course she did, "The dance?"
"Mmm."
"Why?" When Quinn was slow to reply, she added, "You don't have to be specific, I understand this is hard for you, but some insight would really help curb my vulnerability right now."
How could she say no now? She placed Rachel's hand back on her stomach, smiling a little as the small hand instantly started petting her abs (she probably only had a couple more weeks before she lost them altogether), and took Rachel's other hand in her own.
"Well, to start with, and this shouldn't surprise you, the Gleeks are assholes!"
Rachel chuckled a little, "That's probably just because we've spun them in every direction the past couple of weeks."
"Don't defend them!"
"I'm sorry. What did they do?"
Quinn had been dancing with Finn, it had been awkward after their conversation but she'd insisted they had to and he'd reluctantly agreed to it.
It had been okay through the two fast songs, they could keep their distance while still maintaining a happy façade, but when the slow song had come on it had just turned totally uncomfortable. Quinn had tried to relax into his arms, knowing that this was where she should want to be, but Finn? He was never known for his dancing skills anyway – it was like dancing with a breathing mannequin tonight.
They moved stiffly together, not making eye-contact, and before the song was even over, he told her he needed the bathroom and left the floor at almost a run.
Quinn, feeling more than ever like every eye was on her and judging her, that every mouth was whispering about how her boyfriend didn't even want to dance with her anymore, had walked purposefully towards the punch bowl for another glass.
She realised only when it was too late that Mercedes, Kurt and Santana were standing around it. They all looked up as she came closer – Mercedes and Kurt looking like they'd been caught, Santana looking smug, proving they'd just been talking about her.
"Hi, guys," she tried to greet them graciously, pretending she hadn't noticed.
"Hey, Quinn!" Mercedes was all bubbly with new-found knowledge, and way too familiar for her liking. "Are you enjoying the dance?"
"Oh yeah. It's awesome," she deadpanned. "How about you, S?"
"I'm having a great night, except somehow I seem to be stuck spending it with these losers."
Quinn smirked.
Rather than rise to the insult, Kurt took advantage of it, "Speaking of losers, where is Rachel?"
Quinn resisted the urge to dump the contents of the punch bowl on his head, "She's not here?"
Kurt made a show of looking around, "We haven't seen her."
"And everyone else is here," Mercedes added. "Guess you must be pretty pissed she ignored your invite, huh?"
"I didn't invite her to anything, but she was at the game for my little speech, that's all that matters," she said with a smirk.
"Yes, your speech," Kurt began. "It was . . . interesting."
"Very interesting," Mercedes put in. "Why did you try and kiss her again? That part wasn't totally clear."
"I was trying to manipulate her," Quinn was careful to keep her voice steady. "She had something I needed, I saw an opportunity, took it, and it backfired on me."
"But what could you so desperately need that you'd try to kiss Rachel for it?" Kurt asked with a forced shudder.
Quinn took a big slug of her punch before answering, "That's none of your business, Kurt."
"Glitter-toes has a point though, Q."
She was still glaring at Santana when Artie rolled up, "Hey, Quinn, where's Rachel? I haven't seen her yet."
"Why would you want to see her? You don't even like her."
"Whoa!" Artie rolled back a pace. "I was just asking. I thought you two were like, friends now, or something."
"What would make you think that?"
"Um, your speech."
"Did you even hear my speech?" she demanded.
"Uh, yeah, that's why I thought…" Kurt was making a throat slashing gesture and Artie stopped speaking.
"T-that was an awesome routine, Q-Quinn," Tina's approach from the other side almost made her jump.
Since when did these losers feel they could speak so freely to her? Glee had a lot to answer for. Rachel had a lot to answer for.
"Thanks."
"I r-r-really enjoyed it."
"Thanks," she said again.
"The choice of mash-up was a little odd, though," Kurt said.
Quinn rounded on him. "You didn't like it?"
"No, I did. It was just an odd choice."
"Yeah, I thought Rachel was the only Celine fan in our midst," Mercedes laughed.
Quinn shrugged and took a long sip of her drink, too long, it was probably obvious she was buying time. The mash-up had been purely for Rachel's benefit and it was the only thing she hadn't thought up an excuse for. It hadn't crossed her mind that she would need one. She was a practised liar, though, and every good liar knew that when in doubt, resort to honesty.
"Yeah, I only even know that song because Manhands sang it on one of her stupid MySpace videos. I mean, MySpace? Doesn't she know that the only people who even still have MySpace accounts are the Cheerios so we can mock her?" She shook her head derisively. "Someone seriously needs to hit her over the head with a YouTube account."
"I'll happily hit her over the head with anything."
Aware of the scrutiny the others were still giving her, Quinn smiled at Santana's comment.
"I knew how I wanted the routine to go before I found the music, but then when I heard Stubbles singing Taking Chances, the lyrics just fit perfectly. But if any of you losers tell Berry the credits hers," she glared around at them, "I will personally make you seriously regret it."
"Oh please," Kurt smiled, "that would mean one of us would actually have to speak to her."
Quinn frowned as she took another slurp from her plastic glass, "Why are you so down on her? Everything I said in my speech was true, you know? She never tried to kiss me, she certainly didn't try to force herself on me. I tried to kiss her! Which was a big mistake. I never thought she'd turn me down." She took another sip. "That was a knock to my confidence. I mean, she should want to kiss me, right? I'm not one of you losers, I'm actually hot and popular, so why didn't she want to kiss me?" She grinned as she remembered that it didn't matter now, because, hello, Rachel had definitely wanted to kiss her in her car earlier. "But I guess it all worked out okay."
"'Cause of your speech?" Mercedes asked. "Personally I think that's just going to make her hound you more than ever."
Quinn shrugged, "I can handle Manhands."
"Manhandle Manhands, more like," Kurt muttered.
Everyone stepped away from the boy as Quinn glared at him, scared of being set on fire by her fury.
He held his hands up, "It was just a joke."
"Yeah, well you suck at comedy, other than the laugh riot over your sexuality."
"Quinn, that was unnecessary!"
"By that point I was beyond caring what I said."
"Why?"
Quinn shrugged and lied, "They were pissing me off."
Actually it wasn't a total lie.
"I understand they were goading you about me and I can imagine how uncomfortable that must have been, but was that really all it took for you to be so awful to me earlier?"
"I wasn't awful to you!"
"You weren't very nice."
"I'm sorry. Look, I opened up, I shared; can we forget it now and finish watching the movie?"
"There's more," Rachel said confidently.
"Press play, Rachel."
Rachel did as she said. Quinn settled her head back on her shoulder, slowly moving in until her nose was pressed to her skin again. Knowing there was a way to be even more comfortable, she lifted the hand she was holding until she could nestle under Rachel's arm and pulled it around her shoulders while lacing their fingers together.
"Are you making a move on me, Quinn Fabray?" Rachel murmured, a soft chuckle in her voice.
"No, just getting comfortable."
"That's a shame."
"I promise, as soon as I stop feeling like I'm about to throw up, your lips are mine, Rachel Berry."
Rachel laughed even as she pulled a face, "I can wait." She pressed a kiss to the side of her head, making Quinn smile. "But not for long. So hurry up and feel better!"
Pressing her eyes into Rachel's neck to hide them, she wished the playful demand was all it would take.
Rachel cried at the end of the movie, just like she had the first time she'd watched it. Quinn teased her for it but her eyes were suspiciously damp too.
As the credits rolled Rachel took a moment to appreciate the position they'd slumped into, savoring it. Her left arm was around Quinn's shoulders still, holding her close, and her right hand had at some point snuck under Quinn's t-shirt to rest against her tummy. Every now and then muscles twitched under her palm, making Rachel smile. Quinn's free hand had taken up residence on her own stomach, fingers loosely bunching up the material of her sweater. And, of course, Quinn's head was still resting on her shoulder, actively sniffing her neck from time to time.
It was very nice to snuggle with someone in this way, she decided. Nice to have someone want to curl up like this with her, other than her Dads of course, which clearly wasn't the same thing. It gave her some comfort too to know that Quinn was enjoying their closeness as much as she was. She'd never imagined a month ago – a week ago! – that this would be possible for them.
"Did you want to watch another movie?" she asked quietly, not wanting to break the peace between them.
"I don't know? It depends on whether we can do that without moving."
Rachel had the DVD player remote beside her but it couldn't put a new disc in, "Not really."
"Then I'm good with static."
She smiled, "Okay."
Five minutes ticked by on the clock on the window sill and aside from some slight shifting of their bodies against each other, nothing happened and nothing was said.
Rachel's mind began to fidget, "Can I ask another question?"
"No."
"Please?"
"Rachel, don't ruin this, okay?"
She took the advice on board and nodded, lapsing back into silence.
That lasted all of two minutes.
"You don't even know what I was going to ask."
"That's because I don't care what you were going to ask. I just want to spend the day sitting here with you, just like this, nothing more."
"Nothing more at all?"
"Yes."
"All day?"
"Until either you kick me out or I have to go home, this is all I want to do."
"So you don't want to see what the other rooms in my house look like, or have something to eat, or go to my room, or play scrabble or . . . talk?"
"No. No. No. Scrabble? And definitely not."
"So you just want to sit here on this couch all day in silence?"
Quinn pulled herself up, leaning a little away, "Do you not like sitting like this with me or something?" she asked, not looking at her.
"Of course I do, Quinn."
"Then what's the problem?"
"There isn't a problem. I'm just not good at sitting still and not speaking. Especially when I have so many thoughts in my head. They need either an outlet or a distraction and this, as nice as it really and honestly is, isn't providing one."
"Okay."
"Okay we can talk?"
"No, okay I'll give you a distraction."
Dropping back against her side, Quinn's nose touched her neck and Rachel frowned.
"You're welcome to continue if you need to, but that's not really a distraction for me."
Lips brushed her skin next, feather-light as they moved up to the edge of jaw. It felt nice and her head tilted to the side. It still wasn't really a distraction though, because she knew it was avoidance on Quinn's part. The lips pressed deeper, catching a patch of skin below her chin and sucking gently. That was more of a distraction. A lot more. Rachel dropped the hand she was holding so that she could slide up and run her fingers into the back of Quinn's hair, holding her lips in place.
Quinn pulled back almost at once to rest her head on Rachel's shoulder, "Distracted?"
"Well I was starting to be."
Quinn chuckled. Rachel didn't see the joke.
"Why did you stop?"
"Because you didn't want me to."
How did that make sense?
"Quinn?"
"Yes?"
"You were just teasing me?"
"I was being affectionate. You wanted more, I didn't, so I stopped. If anything I was doing the opposite of teasing you."
"I'm not sure I believe you."
Quinn raised her head just enough for Rachel to see her small smirk before resting on her once more, "I guess it'll have to remain a mystery then."
Two could play this game. Rachel hadn't played it before but how hard could it be? She knew what Quinn liked.
"If you think kissing my neck for a minute is all it takes to distract me from talking, you need to brush up on your Rachel Berry knowledge," she whispered into the ear so close to her lips already. "I'd be happy to provide a presentation on the subject. I happen to be an expert."
She felt Quinn react, body squirming ever so slightly against her, but her words weren't encouraging, "On talking about yourself? That's not a surprise, Rachel."
Rachel rose above her indignation and whispered in her ear again. "I'd rather talk about you… or us."
Quinn shivered again but shook her head, "No."
"Why are you so against talking about it?" she asked in her normal speaking voice.
"I'm not. Okay I am, but it's not . . . I don't know. I still have no answers for you. I don't know what I want to say. I don't know how to talk about this. I just want to let it be. I just want to enjoy it and I know as soon as we start talking about it, it's going to get difficult and real and I don't want that."
"You don't want us to be real?"
"That's not what I meant," Quinn sat up, putting physical distance between them again. Rachel's hand fell out from under her t-shirt to land against the couch cushions and Quinn pulled her hand back too, to rest both of hers in her lap, "Don't twist my words."
"I don't want to twist your words, but you're giving me so few of them it's hard not to jump to conclusions."
Quinn was silent.
Rachel squeezed the shoulder under her hand, the only contact left between them. "Let me help you, Quinn. Because I think you need to talk about this, and if there is one thing I'm good at – other than wowing people with my incredible talent – its talking. Let me help you talk."
"I don't want to talk!"
"Well I need you to!"
"Please! Just . . . drop it."
"Let me ask a question. One question. You can answer it however you want, as long as you answer it."
Quinn shook her head tiredly. Rachel took a chance and leaned close enough to whisper softly in her ear again.
"One question, Quinn. I'll accept any reply you give as long as it's not silence and if you don't want to talk any more afterwards I'll sit here for the rest of the day with you and not make a sound."
"Like you can do that."
"I will, I promise. Just one question?" she murmured and kissed Quinn's earlobe.
It worked and Rachel smiled as Quinn melted, her body going limp and pliable against her as she sucked in a deep breath, but then Quinn jerked her head away, posture stiff and upright as she fought whatever she was feeling.
Rachel tensed, waiting for the fallout.
It never came.
"Okay," Quinn swallowed hard. "One question."
"Uh . . ." Great now she couldn't think of one! "Um."
"Rachel!"
She grasped for any of the questions that had been burning in her mind all morning. "Finn!"
"That's not a question," Quinn said irritably.
"You said earlier you had an awkward conversation with him last night. Could you elaborate?"
Quinn frowned, her eyes going far away as she focused on something within her memory.
Trying not to meet anyone's gaze, she kept her eyes on her plastic glass as she poured some punch into it. Tonight was proving to be super uncomfortable and she wished she'd just stayed with Rachel for cocoa after all.
She was so on edge she actually spilled some of her drink when Finn suddenly appeared right beside her.
"You showed up then."
"Of course I did. I just had to go home to shower and change into my dress first," which was a lie; she'd done that in the locker room just fifteen minutes ago.
"I thought maybe you were hiding from me."
She tried to smile, "Why would I do that?"
"Rachel."
She forced herself not to look away, "Why would I hide from you because of her?"
"I don't know, Quinn, maybe because you kissed her!"
"I didn't actually kiss her!" she wasn't lying now because she hadn't kissed her in the bathroom, that time. "It was all just a misunderstanding."
"But you tried to kiss her!"
"Look, if we have to have this conversation – which is needless by the way – can we do it somewhere less public?"
"You didn't seem to have a problem with it being public earlier!"
Oh. Now she got it. Maybe she needed to apologise. But how did you apologise to your boyfriend for admitting in front of a crowd of his friends that you'd tried to kiss someone else?
"I'm sorry, I really am, but I just did what I thought I had to do, for us."
"What do you mean?"
She took his hand and led him a little away from the table, "It was like when I took her out to get her to come back to Glee. It didn't mean anything, I was just acting."
"But what did you need her to do?"
Quinn looked away, "She's just been helping me, with baby stuff. She did a class project on teen pregnancy and so she knows a lot of the things I need to know. That's all."
"That's it? That's why you tried to kiss her? I could have helped you find that stuff out. On the internet or something!"
"And yet you didn't," she shot back hotly. "Rachel did! Do you think I like her helping me? I hate it! I hate that she's the only person who actually cared enough to, but you know what? She was. So yeah, I was scared of losing that, so I made the stupid move of trying to kiss her!"
Finn took several moments to think that over, "But why did you think kissing her would change her mind?"
Quinn shrugged, "I thought she liked me. Like that."
"She doesn't like you like that. She likes me like that!"
Quinn glared at him, "And you just love it, don't you? Don't lie!" she snapped, even though he hadn't had a chance to open his mouth yet. "I see the way you look at her sometimes, when you think that I don't notice. You care more about her feelings than mine most of the time, like right now."
"Hey, how is this becoming my fault? You're the one who kissed her!"
"Tried to kiss her! And it is your fault! Because you like her and how do you think that makes me feel?" Apparently there was no moral ground when it came to Rachel. It was every cheater for themselves, "I tried to kiss her because I thought it would solve a lot of problems all at once. I'm scared, Finn, totally terrified in fact about having a baby and besides you, Rachel is the only person who has actually tried to help me. I didn't want to lose that and… and I thought I was losing you to her as well, and if that happened I wouldn't have either of you. So, I figured the only thing I could afford to lose was my dignity, and I tried to kiss her."
"But why that?" Finn insisted. "Couldn't you have just pretended to be her friend like everyone else?"
"I told you. I thought she liked me. I thought that was why she was helping me. You probably haven't noticed because you're too besotted with the idea of her liking you, but she has kind of been pushing herself in my face recently. I didn't just accept her help straight away, you know, she didn't give me a lot of choice. I assumed she was just using it as an excuse, so she could jump me or something."
"Quinn!"
"What? I wasn't lying. I did think that at first."
"Perhaps, but your missing out the part where you wouldn't have minded all that much!"
"Of course I am! I'm hardly going to tell Finn that, am I?"
"But you're just starting a fresh batch of rumours!"
"Look, do you want to hear the rest of the conversation or do you want to argue about it?"
Rachel took a while to think and Quinn rolled her eyes.
"Okay, tell me the rest. I supposed I should be armed with all of the information."
"I thought if she had some kind of lesbian thing for me that kissing her would make her keep helping me and if not… at least if I figured out why you were so damn into her I'd know what to do to make you stay with me."
Finn softened, "Quinn, I'm not going anywhere. I love you. You're having my baby."
"But that didn't stop you from kissing her!"
His expression went from reassuring to panicked, "What, you know about that?"
"Yes I know about that!" For some reason it pissed her off more that he didn't even try and deny it. "Rachel took great pleasure in telling me one day!"
"Oh. Uh. It was before I knew you were pregnant," he rushed out.
"But you still knew you were my boyfriend, correct?"
"Yeah, but… hey, you were my girlfriend when you tried to kiss her and you knew you were pregnant! That's worse!"
"But I didn't actually kiss her!" That time.
"But what if she did like you? What if she let you kiss her? You'd have cheated more than me then."
"Okay, fine, so we're even."
She'd never thought the knowledge of Finn kissing Rachel would ever be a good thing, but it was if she could use it to draw a line under the mess she'd made.
He looked dubious but nodded, "Yeah, okay, we're even."
"So we're okay?"
She really needed them to be. She couldn't lose Finn because of this.
"So you two are okay?"
Quinn looked at her for a long time trying to figure out if she sounded jealous. She didn't, just anxious on her behalf. It wasn't the first time either.
"Why do you do that?"
"What?"
"Care so much about my relationship with Finn."
"You told me I wasn't allowed to get jealous."
"Sure, but you could tell me not to get jealous about Mike a million times and I don't think it would stop me. Don't smile, I'm being serious."
"Okay, I want you to be happy and secure and you're carrying his baby so…"
Quinn looked away, "So?"
"So I know he makes you feel happy and secure and, again, you're carrying his baby so I know you must love him. Why wouldn't I want you to still have that?"
Quinn met her eyes again and they were clear and bright… too clear and bright, "You're lying."
"It's guilt!" Rachel blurted. "That's my motivating factor, I'm consumed by guilt, Quinn! Guilt! Finn is my friend. He's my only friend. And I've kissed his girlfriend! Lots! And I've touched his girlfriend's boob! And I want to do it again! I'm a terrible person."
"Then what does that make me? I'm worse."
She expected Rachel to reassure her but she just nodded morosely, "We're both terrible people."
She couldn't refute it so Quinn waited with hands clasped in her lap for Rachel to drop the axe on them once and for all, wondering if she'd be able to accept it gracefully this time or whether she'd try and talk her around again.
When the whisper came she could hardly hear it, "Show me it's worth it."
Breath held in her throat, she asked, "What do you mean?"
"It means we should cuddle some more because I don't think anything else is going to make me feel better right now."
"That won't make you feel more guilty about Finn?"
"Not if we're just cuddling. That's not doing anything wrong."
Quinn was more than happy to adjust them to how they'd been before, "Not that I want to burst your bubble," she murmured once they were settled, "but the fact that your hand went automatically back under my t-shirt kind of implies there is something wrong about this."
She caught the hand before it could escape, pressing her own over it through the cotton barrier.
"Quinn!"
"Don't."
"But…?"
"I like it."
"That's not a good enough reason to…"
"On the contrary, it's a good enough reason for everything," her hand inched under the hem of Rachel's sweater, fingertips stroking the warm, soft – God so soft – skin above her hip. "Don't you think so?"
Rachel's eyes slipped closed, head tilting back against the couch as she simply nodded her agreement.
They stayed like that for at least twenty minutes. Well, not exactly like that. At some point Quinn had folded into her again to rest her nose against Rachel's neck, breathing her in deeply.
Rachel didn't mind. She'd have minded a lot more if Quinn hadn't taken solace in her and had left to use the bathroom instead.
Quinn's hand was unmoving on the skin of her waist but Rachel's idly moved, using a finger to trace the definition of her muscles back and forth across her stomach. It kept Quinn twitching against her and then squirming until eventually she jerked back against the couch.
"Rachel!"
It startled her, "What did I do? Did I hurt you?"
"No, you're not hurting me," she said with an embarrassed chuckle.
"Then what's wrong?"
Quinn didn't speak, leaving Rachel with the impression that there was nothing wrong and Quinn was just being strange, which was nothing new. Her skin was so smooth under her fingertips but Rachel could feel the firm muscle beneath as she dragged them slowly along and pushed them back the other way. Quinn sighed into her neck, wriggling closer against her side, content . . . until Rachel accidentally got the tip of her middle finger caught in her belly button.
Quinn jerked back again, shakily hissing out her name.
"Sorry! I wasn't trying to poke your baby's eye out or anything!"
"I know!"
"Then why are you getting angry?"
Quinn sat up a little, "I'm not angry. I'm . . ."
"What?"
"It just feels nice. So stop it."
"That makes no sense, Quinn. Why would you want me to stop if you're enjoying it?"
"Because we are not making out today, that's why."
It took her a moment to realise what her innocent appreciation of Quinn's abs had to do with them making out.
"Oh!" It came out high-pitched and then her voice dropped lower as she grinned, "That kind of nice."
Quinn blushed, "Shut up."
"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Quinn."
"I'm not ashamed. I just don't want to talk about it, or think about it, or be it."
It sounded like she was ashamed.
"Because of Finn?"
There was a slight pause, "No."
"Because it's me?"
There was a slightly longer pause, "No."
"Because I'm a girl?"
Even longer pause, "No."
Rachel reached out to finger the small gold cross hanging between Quinn's collar bones, "Is it because your strict Christian upbringing is telling you sex is wrong?"
"No!" Quinn slapped her hand away from her necklace. "And we're not talking about… sex!"
"Then what are we talking about?"
"Nothing. I just feel… look can't I just sit here quietly and sniff you without it becoming something else for once?"
Could they? Rachel hesitated and then shrugged, "Of course."
"Then let me," Quinn wrapped her arms around Rachel's neck and snuggled her nose in tight to her skin. "This is all I want right now."
"Okay," Rachel draped her arms loosely around Quinn's back. "But in case you haven't noticed, you are sending extremely mixed messages today."
"I noticed," was the muffled reply. "Deal with it."
"And if I don't want to?"
"You want to."
Well, she couldn't really deny that but it didn't answer any questions, "Quinn?"
"Just shut up and cuddle me, Berry, before I change my mind about wanting you to."
Rachel stifled her giggle behind her lips and tightened the grip of her arms, hugging her closer.
Quinn pulled tighter too, her nose pressing deeply into her neck and every long inhale made Rachel clutch that little bit harder.
She was so lost in the feel of Quinn that she physically jumped when her Daddy's voice preceded him through the open door. "Hi honey, we're home!" She hadn't heard the car pull up or the front door open. Not that they were doing anything wrong, just cuddling, but… "Oh … uh… um?"
Quinn's panic at the interruption gave her enough momentum to take her right off the couch, landing on wobbly legs in front of her Daddy as she rushed out, "I'm sorry! This isn't what it looks like! I wasn't… I'm so sorry. It's all my fault, sir!"
Well, now they looked guilty and she could see the suspicion in her Daddy's eyes as he looked Quinn up and down, trying to place her, "All your fault? So who should I send the letter of complaint to?"
"Uh."
Rachel knew she wasn't helping by just staying sprawled there on the couch. She started to get up to make the awkward introductions.
Her Dad breezed into the room before she could, "What's all the commotion…? Oh, hey, Quinn." His eyes widened as he took in the implications of her being there, and then darted to her, "Is everything okay?"
Rachel opened her mouth, but was beaten to words by her Daddy.
"I guess that depends on how okay you think it is to come home and find our daughter making out on the couch!"
"That is not what we were doing! I was just, uh, we were, um…"
Seeing how pale Quinn had gone with just two bright spots of color high on her cheeks, Rachel rushed to her side to calm her down, "It's okay, Quinn, we have a perfectly innocent explanation so try not to over –"
She made the mistake of trying to hold Quinn's hand and it was pushed sharply away, "Don't touch me, RuPaul! … I'm sorry," for a second, Quinn reached for the punished hand in apology only to remember the audience and snatch her hand to her stomach instead. "I can't cope with this, I have to… Oh God, change of plan, I actually need to get out of here, now!" Squeezing her lips together and holding her stomach, Quinn ran between her dads and out of the room.
"Was that really necessary, Daddy?"
Hiram Berry turned from watching Quinn's hasty exit with an amused smile, "Forgive me, Baby-girl, but I didn't expect any friend you made to be so easily spooked."
"First of all, I resent the implication that my friendship requires a strong constitution, second of all, that is Quinn Fabray! How would you expect her to react to what is completely foreign territory for her?"
"No, really?" Her Daddy's smile actually grew instead of turning guilty and he shared a look with her Dad. At LeRoy's nod, he laughed a little, "And I'm still standing? Is she going soft?"
"Daddy!"
"He has a point, Sweetpea; in our day Head Cheerleaders had a little more oomph about them."
"I don't know, if she's going to be making out with our daughter on the couch, maybe the less oomph the better."
Her Daddy tried to ruffle her hair but Rachel batted his hand away, "We were not making out! Quinn was upset about something I was trying to comfort her, that is all. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make sure she's not crying her eyes out over your insensitive performance."
She dashed for the stairs and took them at least as fast as Quinn had a minute before. Rounding the corner, she raced for her room and saw the other girl standing just inside the door.
"Quinn, are you okay? My Daddy was just joking…" As she crossed the threshold, Quinn threw an arm out to stop her and Rachel ran into it, gasping at the impact across her midsection. "What's wrong?"
Quinn's eyes were downcast, "I couldn't make it."
"Couldn't make what?" Rachel's eyes fell to a large wet stain on her bedroom carpet. She jumped back, hands held high and clenching in disgust! "Eww, Quinn!"