Dean awoke in a dungeon strapped to an upright table wearing lederhosen.
He groaned, "Oh, come on."
"She is beautiful, no?" Dracula smirked when he noticed Dean's eyes focused on the portrait of a woman's face on the wall which resembled Lucy, "Bride number three from the first film. She never got the acclaim that she deserved. Which is why I chose her shape, her form, to move among the mortals unnoticed. To listen to the cricket songs of the living. That is when I discovered my bride had been reborn in this century."
"I can't get over what a pumpkin-pie-eyed, crazy son of a bitch you really are. You're not Dracula! You get that, right? Or even if you think you are Dracula, what the hell's up with the mummy?!
Dracula reared back and punched Dean in the face, "I am all monsters!"
"Life ain't a movie, you sorry sack of-" Dracula punched Dean again, silencing him, "Aah."
"Life is small. Meagre. Messy. The movies are grand, simple, elegant. I have chosen elegance."
"You think 'elegance' is really the word for what you did to Marissa, or Rick Deacon, or any of the others?!"
"But of course. It is a monster movie, after all."
"You do realize what happens at the end of every monster movie?"
"Ah, but this movie is mine. And in it, the monster wins. The monster gets the girl. And the hero, he's…" Dracula put his hand on a large lever on the wall, "Electrocuted. Tonight, Jonathan Harker, you will be my hero."
"W- w- wait." Dean chuckled nervously as he struggled to escape, "Wait, wait."
The doorbell rang making Dracula grin and Dean sag in relief, "Please, excuse me.
Dracula walked out of the dungeon and through a modern looking hallway as the doorbell rang again. He opened the door dramatically to a pizza boy standing outside.
"Good evening."
"Uh…" The delivery boy frowned as he got an eyeful of what Dracula was wearing, "Pizza delivery."
"Ah, you've brought a repast. Excellent. Continue to be of such service, and your life will be spared."
"Uh huh…" He pulled out the pizza from his bag and held it out, "That'll be $15.50."
"Tell me…"
"Yeah?"
"Is there garlic on this pizza?"
"I don't know. Did you order garlic?"
"NO!"
"Then no." The delivery boy eyed him boredly and like he didn't have time for this whole thing, "Look, mister, I got four other deliveries to make. You want to just pay me the money so I can go?"
"Of course, yes, but I have a coupon."
Later on, in another bedroom…
Jamie was lying on a bed when she woke up to Dracula staring at her.
"You wake." He gestured to a white satin dress hanging by the bed, "The gown. It suits your beauty. Please, put it on."
"Where am I?" She moved away from him, "What have you done with Dean?"
"Harker is resting elsewhere. Please, put on the gown and you may dine. We are having pizza."
"What?! What is wrong with you?" She scoffed, "You made up Lucy, right? Pretended to be my friend."
"I needed to know if you were the one."
"You could try talking to people! But instead you become this?"
He gestured to the dress again, "The gown."
"I don't want to play your stupid game, okay?! I just- I just want to go home!"
Dracuala then bellowed at her making her jump in fear, "Put on the gown!" After she changed into the gown Dracula shuffled back into the room, "I- I scared you." His voice was normal and apologetic as he turned away from her, "You're the only one I don't want to scare." He turned back to her to admire the dress she wore before motioning around, "I used to love the movies."
"They aren't real. You can't make them real."
"Real is…" He turned away from her, pain in his eyes, "Being born this way. Different. Real is having your dad call you monster- it's the first time you hear the word. And he tries to beat you to death with a shovel. Everywhere I ran, everywhere I tried to hide, people found me, dragged me out, attacked me. Called me freak, called me monster. Then I found them. The great monsters." He turned to walk closer to her, "In their movies, they were strong. They were feared. They were beautiful. And now I am like them." He sniffled, "Commanding. Terrifying."
"Lonely."
"Was lonely. Now I- I have you."
"Ever think that maybe you're lonely because you kill people?"
"Or I kill people because I'm lonely." There was the sound of something being knocked over in the next room that caught his attention, "Did you hear that?"
"What?" Jamie frowned but then immediately started yelling, "Dean? Dean?!"
Dracula immediately hit her, knocking her out yet again.
Back at the bar…
Angel and Sam entered and walked around looking for Dean. When they couldn't find him, Sam dialed his cell.
"Dean, hey listen. Uh, Ed is not our guy. Um, I'm guessing you're at home with Jamie, so just give us a call, okay?"
"Uh, Sam?" Angel motioned to the broken bottle on the floor and the three discarded cups, "What the hell happened?"
Her brother's eyes centered on the napkin with Lucy's lipstick on it, "Lucy."
After finding out where the shifter Lucy lived the two hunters were soon breaking in. Once inside they made their way around the house quietly, gun out and ready for anything. Going down some stairs they came across a large medieval style dungeon where Dean was not only locked up, but dressed in a way that neither Sam or Angel would ever forget.
"Oh, thank God." He sighed in relief as the two of them entered the room, "Just in the nick of time." He watched hurriedly as Sam worked on taking the iron bars off of him, "That guy was about to Frankenstein me."
"Oh, man." Angel looked him over and couldn't help the laugh that escaped her, "You look ridiculous."
"Shut up!" Dean demanded as he got up and then pointed to Sam who was about to start, "You too!"
Sam chuckled as he handed him a silver knife, "Whatever you say, Hansel."
They hurried over to the double doors where Dean motioned for Sam to open it. Rolling his eyes he put his foot through the door, kicking a hole in it. The entire door fell flat off its hinges and crashed noisily to the ground.
"Shh!" Angel demanded as Dean looked at him bitchily, "Jeez."
Sam motioned, "Let's go."
Sam was the first one through the doors that lead to the bedroom where Jamie was being held. He crossed the room to see her lying on the bed unconscious. Before he could help her, Dracula intercepted him from behind and threw him through the wall.
"You will never be Van Helsing!" Dean attacked him next, engaging in a fight in which Dracula got the upper hand and eventually grabbed him by the neck, "And you, Harker, now you die."
"Shut up." Angel came from behind and stabbed him in the back with her silver knife, piercing his heart and making him drop Dean, "Monologues are so overdone."
"Silver?" Dracula's eyes went wide as he stumbled away from Angel and then met eyes with Jamie who had come too in the middle of the scuffle, "No, Mina, do not weep." He dropped to his knees before collapsing to his death, "Perhaps this is how the movie should end."
The next morning…
Before the three hunters left, Sam and Angel watched awkwardly from behind Dean as he and Jamie kissed goodbye.
"Well, thank you, G-Man." She kissed him again, "You have been a great service to your country."
"Oh, yes, I'm very, very patriotic."
She giggled as they kissed again but were soon interrupted by Sam and Angel snickering at that line. Dean looked over his shoulder to his siblings who smiled innocently in return.
Dean turned back to Jamie and kissed her one last time, "Bye."
"Bye."
He joined his siblings and the three of them started to walk away when Jamies voice stopped them, "You three saved my life, you know? So, thanks."
Sam nodded as she left before turning back to Dean, "I like her."
"Me too." Angel agreed, winking at Dean, "You could do alot worse, little brother."
He grinned at the two of them, "Feels good to be back on the job, doesn't it?"
"Yeah, it does."
Angel sighed, "Like old times."
"The hero gets the girl, monster gets the gank. All in all, happy ending." Dean smirked cheekily, "With a happy ending, no less."
"Ugh." Angel grimaced as she shook her head and led the way back to the impala, "You just had to ruin the moment didn't you?"
"Hey, all I'm saying is the shifter man had a point, you know? It would be nice if life was movie simple." Sam shrugged as Angel cocked her head, "Although, if I was turning life into a movie, I wouldn't do this Abbott and Costello meet the monster crap."
"Yeah, no." Sam nodded his head knowingly, "I know what you'd pick."
"No, you don't."
"Yeah, I do."
"No. You don't." Dean laughed, "You don't!"
Sam sighed, meeting his eyes for the challenge, "Porky's II."
Dean gaped, "What?"
"You heard me."
Dean rolled his eyes, "Lucky guess." At Angel's snicker Dean turned to her, "What?"
"Porky's II? Really?"
"Oh please!" Sam snickered at her as he looked over his shoulder, "Your choice would totally be 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit' so i wouldn't talk."
"Hey!" Angel glared as Dean snickered this time, "Come on, any picture you draw in that movie comes to life. So in essence… you could create your own world." She hurried to catch up to them, "Tell me thats not awesome!"