Envy the Sunsinger Part III

As soon as she stirred, Eriana woke entirely. With a racing mind like her own, mornings were easier than nights. And after that mess on the Moon, her mind had more reason to race than most days.

Eriana slipped out of the too-large bed, pressing her bare feet to the floor and pushing to stand, feeling synthetic muscle stretch and hearing the gentle whir of servos.

The first thought she had of that morning was Jax; a message left for her to wake to. He had gone to help other Ghosts with work from the Vanguard. Likely to do with calculating losses on the Moon; ever-growing. It was a prior arrangement and Eriana was unlikely to need him today. She knew he'd break away if she ever did.

She quickly went about the business of getting ready and leaving. Before she could cross the doorway and step into the hall, something caused her to pause. A sharp burning sting in her chest she couldn't begin to explain. It faded as quickly as it appeared. She left the room behind.

She had no business with the Vanguard today but she made for their Hall anyway; she liked to keep appraised of current events, whether or not they concerned her primary work. It was busy, as it always was, but relatively quiet. It would be like that for a long while, unfortunately. Eriana could tell in the faces of those she passed who had been on the Moon and who had only heard of the horrors endured after.

She didn't find any of the Vanguard in their usual spots but she found Shaxx in his', arms crossed, eyes on a Crucible feed. He is less animated, the same as most but the occasional barked order still erupted from behind his helmet. The Crucible was having more matches than most days. It wasn't surprising; what better way to rid yourself of lingering fear than by taking it out on something else?

Eriana was halfway to him when he took notice. His reaction was visible but subtle or as subtle as a man his size could be and quickly corrected. She felt suddenly compelled to ask but she felt even more compelled not to. She resisted the urge to rub at her chest, the burning sensation returning just slightly. "May I join you?" She asked.

He nodded. "Of course, my friend." He stepped aside and gestured to a spot next to him. Eriana took it with a nod of gratitude. She had just caught the beginnings of a fight. A six-on-six match-up between newly-crowned Guardians.

Lord Shaxx was oddly quiet throughout. Not silent, never silent but the booming voice that often carried itself across the entire Vanguard Hall was absent today. He also only really spoke to her when she spoke to him first and when he did, he was…hesitant. She'd even say demure. Whatever it was called, it was unlike anything she had ever seen from him in the long years she had known him. And she couldn't help but feel that it had something to do with her.

When the match came to its end, he finally asked, "What did you think?"

"Not bad," Eriana admitted, "Could be better."

"Always," Shaxx responded. He made a gesture and the list of participants for both teams came up on screen, alongside their kill counts and efficiencies. "Anyone catch your eye?"

The highest-ranked fighter on the winning team was a Warlock. Kill count of thirty, efficiency of three kills for every one death. "Her." Eriana pointed, "Shayura."

"Oh, I know her. She's young but quickly making a name for herself, even among the veterans."

"You don't usually see that kind of focus in younger Guardians."

"Aye. She treats it more like a task to be accomplished and then forgotten about rather than a proper training opportunity or even a game."

"Yes, it's…familiar." Her hand came up to her chest before she could stop it. The burning sensation was a sharp sting, here and gone in the span of a blink but it left her with a gnawing emptiness as well as confusion. When she looked back at Shaxx, he was already looking at her. His arms, which had been crossed, had loosened and it seemed one hand was coming up towards her. With a quick look at the match results, she changed the topic. "The one at the bottom. Aashir. Maybe Shayura could give him pointers."

The hand remained still for another moment before returning to its crossed position. "I brought it up. Couldn't tell you who was less interested."

"If he wants to improve…"

"I think he will. I see the potential."

An endorsement if ever there was one. With that, Eriana took her leave to return to her own duties, thanking Shaxx for the company. "Of course. You're welcome anytime," he said. He seemed to hesitate in saying something else. Then, he decided to speak up. "Take care of yourself, Eriana."

Eriana blinked, her face even. She only nodded in response and continued on her way.

Eriana had held her position in the Praxic Order for years now and she still found being shot preferable to paperwork. Nothing made it any more tolerable, not Jax's suggestion of music, not Eris' suggestion of podcasts and certainly not Sai's suggestion of "delegation". Others just wouldn't do it right. So the tasks fell to her. Bullets would have been preferable.

Her mind was clouded in fog once she was alone in her office, away from the rest of the Tower. Despite this, Eriana was making good time. She was ahead of schedule even, as if this would have done anything for her tomorrow.

The sound of an opening door caught her attention, quickly followed by rapid, deliberately light steps. She heard them grow even quieter as they approached her door and remained so as they passed.

Eriana allowed the person a few more steps. "Aunor."

The footsteps stopped. Then, after a few beats, they began to return, no longer trying to remain quiet. She waited for them to stop before her door. "You're late," she said, never looking up.

"I apologize." Another young Guardian, Aunor Mahal was a quiet and shy young woman, unused to raising her voice in any condition. Still, she showed potential to Eriana, though some of her colleagues did not see it. It was easy to accept Lord Shaxx's trust in Aashir. "It's been a bit of a difficult morning."

Eriana knew the feeling. "That's fine," she said, "I just need to know. Anything new?"

"Excavation has been slow. More so than expected," Aunor reported, "The Hive have mostly retreated but Fallen raids on our parties have increased. Zavala-"

"Commander," Eriana gently corrected.

"Right, I'm sorry."

"You apologize," she corrected again.

"I apologize. Commander Zavala documented suggested more Guardians for protection; preferably those who were never on the Moon but the Consensus seems hesitant."

"Why do you think that is?" Eriana didn't ask this for her own sake but for Aunor's. Politics was an unfortunate side of their work they needed to be well-versed in.

"I think they're afraid of sending any Guardians away from the City at this moment." She sighed. "Can't say I blame them."

"Had they shown this kind of restraint before-" Eriana had only thought it but the thought alone was enough to cause that burning sensation in her chest again. Aloud, she asked, "What would you do?"

Aunor hesitated. "I don't blame them," she said again, "But if it helps us recover tech, personal effects or even rescue stranded Guardians…"

"It's worth the risk, I agree. I'll talk to the Commander." Eriana returned her attention to her work. "Well done."

She didn't see Aunor break out into a smile but her voice was enough. "Thank you, Eriana. I'm…I'm glad you're back."

It was Eriana's turn to blink. Still she kept her voice even when she replied, "Thank you. So am I."

It was early afternoon when Eriana felt she had done enough to warrant a break. Outside on the Plaza, the sun had passed its apex and the Tower was crowded. Even Guardians who had not been in the battle had returned to the City. It wouldn't be surprising if everyone lost someone they knew on the Moon.

Eriana had separated herself from the gathering crowd and taken a spot on the balcony overlooking the City. Despite her attempts, she felt a pervasive sense of unease; one she couldn't localize, no matter how much she pushed herself to try. The solitude seemed only to exacerbate it. Something was just so…wrong.

The sensation in her chest appeared again but didn't fade away as quickly as before. It remained a singular pin lodged into her heart. What was strangest was that she felt familiar with the pain as if she knew its cause deep down but could not recall it to the forefront of her mind no matter how much she tried. She thought of contacting Jax but she wouldn't bother him over something so trivial.

"Eriana?" The sound of her name made her jump. She never realized how disconnected she had become from the world until she was brought back down to it.

Her eyes found Vell Tarlowe when she turned toward the source. He looked different compared to when she last saw him. There was a slight pallor to his skin, as if he had seen little of the sun in the past few days. Whatever the problem, it didn't seem to have affected his strength; a large box of what appeared to be engine parts was held in place by his hand over the opposing shoulder.

She knew what was coming next. The same question every time. She grew tired of hearing it so Eriana asked it first. "How are you today, Vell?" Her voice was laden with false cheer but the smile Vell gave in return was equally false.

"Day by day." His answer was both avoidant and poignant. How should any of them feel? Vell lost good friends that day. So had…

"Are you alright, Eriana?"

Eriana started once again at the sound of her name. Vell's look of concern went from her eyes to her hand. When her own gaze turned to it, she saw it wrapped in a vice grip around the metal railing. It took an inordinate amount of will to force herself to let go. "Fine," she lied. The burning in her chest remained. Equally burning was her sudden desire to move away from the subject of herself. "Can I ask you a question?"

He squatted to let the crate down. "Go ahead."

She did. "Do you think Toland knows about what happened?"

The concern on his face turned instantly to wariness. Even the air around him seemed to shift around him. Vell seemed to choose his next words carefully. "I haven't spoken to him since-"

"I know and I don't doubt you. Just…" She turned back to the City and the Traveler above it, pale and still and silent. Always silent. Even as those who fought in its name cried out for salvation, it was always silent. Shamefully, there were days Eriana wished something would answer. "Recently, I can't help but wonder what he would have thought about this. Few knew the threat of the Hive more than him. He would have warned us away, wouldn't he?"

"There were others who warned us. Others with more influence with the Consensus," Vell reminded her. Lord Shaxx had been a recent poignant example. "It changed nothing."

Toland had been expelled because experiments went too far. The knowledge he sought and the methods he used became too transgressive, especially for the Praxic Order to ignore. When it came to the Hive and their ways, few knew more about the dangers than he and misgivings he might have had about their attempt to retake the Moon in force would still have been disregarded. Politics brought them to the Moon. Not duty or pride.

"You're right." Eriana nodded meekly. "Just thought…"

"I know," he told her, "It's natural, I think. Wondering if there was anything that could have been done to avoid what happened. Anything at all…"

He was speaking of his brother. For a moment, she saw a deep, cold grief break through to the surface. But just for a moment before it was caged away. He turned and hefted the box back onto his shoulder once again. "I'll see you around, Eriana."

"Of course," she murmured. She watched as he began to make his way to the Hangar. But then he stopped and turned.

"I saw when Crota climbed out of the Hellmouth," he said, "I saw the effect he had on the Guardians fighting. I felt it. But before any of us could shake it off, face him down…she was already running towards him."

Eriana kept stone-still.

"Her last words to us were for us to retreat," he continued, "She wasn't seeking a challenge, Eriana. She was buying us time. She was trying to save us. I just wish…" Vell stopped. Then, he simply shook his head with a defeated sigh. "Take care of yourself, Eriana. Please."

He turned his back on her and departed then. She didn't watch him. Her eyes were on the City and her hands were on the railing, squeezing them even tighter than they had been before.

'She'?

Who was 'she'?

The question played over and over in her mind with every single step Eriana made towards her room and every single time felt like a stab to the heart. Her confusion only made it worse. Who was this person, why can't she remember them? She knew it was related to why people were walking on eggshells around her; not in any logical way but deep within her gut.

By the time she made it back, she felt as if the walls were closing in. She could feel herself heating up, the tightness in her chest coiling further and further around itself. She only made it a few steps into her bedroom before she stumbled, catching onto the nearby desk when it seemed her legs were about to give out on her.

Strong hands in her own. Strong arms around her shoulders, her waist. A gentle smile, brightened even further by the morning light.

"You snore, you know that, right?"

That voice. That voice.

"Why would they program an Exo to snore?"

Eriana felt something within her break. It was a subtle feeling, like old rusted chains finally crumbling into dust and falling away. But what those chains were holding back…

Eriana collapsed to her knees and bit back a hoarse cry as grief, fresh and unfiltered, burned a course through every wire in her body.

Wei-Ning. Her name had been Wei-Ning. She was the love of her life.

And Eriana had forgotten her.

No, she said to herself. Rampant confusion and horror gave way to clarity. I couldn't have forgotten. I could have never forgotten…

Rampant confusion gave way to clarity. Clarity gave way to realization.

Eriana's trembling hands balled into fists. With an enraged scream, she brought them down on a nearby chair, crushing it into a pile of splinters and shattered limbs.

She dragged herself to her feet like a corpse rising from its grave. She started towards the door, stumbling her way across the room like a drunk, blood-lusted beast.

She told Jax to meet her at the Hangar. She didn't say why and from what he must have seen in her mind, he did not question.

Snow sizzled and steamed where her feet landed. Falling flakes melted before they could touch her skin. The mountain winds were fierce and roaring but she could not feel a single bit of it or anything compared to the storm welling inside.

Eriana's ship shot off back into orbit as she powered through the ice and snow; straight ahead. No need or concern about her bearings, always straight ahead. Her body moved of its own accord while her mind went over what she would say. The insults she'd hurl, the oaths she'd swear once she faced him. She stopped before a mountain face and set into it was a massive black door, hexagon in shape and sealed tight from the world. At least, that was the impression it wanted to give off.

Eriana knew otherwise. She continued towards the door and once she was close enough, lashed out with Solar-infused fists. "Open the door!" she struck the door, a ring of black around the impact site. "How dare you!" She shrieked, her voice carrying over even the howl of the wind. "How fucking dare you?! Open this fucking door right now!" She struck the door over and over until her knuckles ached. Then, she only punched harder.

The mountainside trembled as old gears and servos came to life. A hiss was her only warning before Eriana was blasted with burning hot air. The hexagonal door split down the middle and both halves rose into the air, exposing a long, dim corridor. Eriana stepped through before it could open completely.

She strode down the dimly lit corridor, ignoring the centuries-old whirring of computers and machinery. Eriana paid none of it a second of her attention. She couldn't even tell how long she had been walking, which halls she had turned down or which stairs she had climbed. Her feet moved of their own accord, taking her where she wanted to go as if they had been doing it forever.

When she reached the facility's core, a terminal stood out of the ground on the other end of a long, narrow walkway. She felt her anger rise again, like a covered pot boiling. Her footsteps echoed off the high walls. As she approached, the terminal came to life. An orange static spark carved through the air above it, then another and another until they were running over themselves, forming a sphere.

Eriana stopped some feet away, staring at it. The maelstrom that had been brewing in her; she had so many things she wanted to say but now that she was before him, her words had fled her. All of them except for three.

"How…dare you?"

Her voice rasped. Her throat burned. She took a step closer, then another. He remained silent, so she repeated herself, louder this time, "How dare you?" Her voice cracked with fury. "Did you think this would work? That I wouldn't notice?"

Rasputin never spoke to her. Not once has Eriana heard his voice since she found out who he was; who she was. He spoke in images, signals, his thoughts disguised as her own. No matter how he chose to communicate, never has there been a time when Eriana has wanted to hear from him.

She's never told anyone. Not Wei nor Sai nor Ikora. That the Warmind had survived the Collapse, not just in whole but in parts as well. Parts planted into Exos, Exos that had died during the Collapse and had been brought back to the world of the living. Exos like her.

"You invaded my mind. Tried to shield me from my own memories of her. You wanted me to…forget her. Why? Why would you do…" The answer came to her so quickly, she was unsure if she had figured it out or if he, in the absence of any shame or regret, just decided to tell her. "You wanted to protect me. You saw what the grief was doing and you tried to protect me from it."

The signal cell remained where it was, like a great eye watching her.

"Rasputin…when have I ever asked for your help?" Her voice was barely above a whisper now. "When? Tell me. Since the day we met, since the day you revealed yourself to me, I've only ever asked one thing; for you to leave me alone. I don't want your help, I have never wanted your help."

That he ever thought Eriana would be better off believing Wei had never existed only proved why she was better off without him. To him, those things, her emotions, were wasted on a tool like her. It was the one thing that made her a person in her eyes and he would take that away from her. He was a machine and little else. He knew nothing about love or devotion. Not like she had.

There was no argument to be had with Rasputin. Not about this. "Never again," she told him, "I never want to hear from you ever again." It wasn't the first time she had made that demand. It wouldn't be the last but for now, she just wanted…

Peace? She'd never have that again, regardless of what he did.

A million things she had to say on her way to his hidden refuge in the mountains. Now that she was before him, her fury spent, all of those things seemed pointless; superfluous. Eriana took a step back from the terminal. "Never again." She murmured the words, saying them more to herself than him. She turned around and started back the way she came. The Warmind's signal cell soon faded, leaving the chamber in darkness once more.

Eriana stumbled through once her door opened. It closed behind her with a sliding hiss, leaving her in the dark. She could've found the light switch, if she wanted. She had spent so many nights here that she could walk it backwards blind.

A house. They had been talking about finding a house. Close to the Tower so they wouldn't have to travel far. Near the park where Wei used to play with the children.

Eriana crossed the main area to reach the bedroom. She locked the door. One more minuscule barrier between her and the rest of the world. She stared at the bed with new eyes. Large enough to take over most of the room, she could almost see the outline of a body beneath the covers.

An anguished sob ripped its way through her chest. When she got into the bed, she crawled towards the center and settled there, knees curling into her chest.

No matter Rasputin's interference, Eriana could not believe she ever forgot that this was Wei-Ning's room. It was closer to the plaza than Eriana's own; at least, that was her excuse for the first few nights. One Wei admitted she only went along with it to see how long Eriana would keep it up.

She'd slip in gently, so as not to wake her. It never mattered for as soon as she was settled, she'd feel the mattress shift beneath her. A strong arm would drape itself across her waist and warm air would flow against her neck; a sight of contentment.

No more. Never again. What did she have left? A machine in every sense of the word, trying to take away what little she had that made her more than that. Even now, even with her last demands, even as Jax gave her space, he remained at the edge of her mind. Waiting for her to give into her pain, accept his "help". Like a carrion bird counting its prey's last breaths.

Eriana curled tighter into herself, putting a hand to her mouth to muffle her sobs from the empty room.