MARRIAGE

Aizawa fumbled for a light switch. When he found it, Hizashi stood before him in a three-piece suit, Nezu had priest robes and a bible, and all the 1-A students and teachers sat in rows of pews. Aizawa's baggy, stained clothes were replaced with a white, frilly wedding gown.

"Do you, Hizashi, take Aizawa to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do!"

Aizawa ran out and slammed the door shut behind him. He let out a deep sigh of relief, ripped the dress off his body, and looked up. Present Mic, Nezu, and all the students were there, and there was a second dress underneath the first.

Nezu turned to Aizawa, raising his bible like an executioner hefting an ax. "And do you, Aizawa, take Hizashi to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

Aizawa leapt out the window. The glass cut the dress, and Aizawa's fingers shredded the rest. He landed in a crouch and warily examined the area around him. There was a gazebo over his head, bedecked with massive white flowers.

"Great idea having the wedding outdoors," Hizashi whispered. "It would've been crowded inside."

Mina and Hagakure scattered petals around him while Izuku brought out two rings, one with a nibble taken out of it.

"I now declare you man and husband!" Nezu proclaimed.

Aizawa dove into the fountain. When he opened his eyes, everyone had scuba masks, his wedding dress was watertight, and Nezu stood in an up-side-down fishbowl.

"You may now kiss the groom!"

Aizawa pinched himself hard. He felt the surroundings peel away like damp wallpaper. His eyes fluttered open, and he sat up with a profound sense of relief.

"Thank god that was a dream."

"Had a nightmare, honey?"

Aizawa's heart stopped. In the sumptuous king-size mattress, with hearts embroidered in the blankets and heart-shaped pillows, Hizashi grinned cheekily and rolled over, revealing a thong and oiled-up skin.

"How 'bout a kiss to chase it away? Or maybe something more… exciting?"

As Hizashi wriggled his eyebrows, Aizawa bolted for the door. An identical bedroom was on the other side. He scrambled for the bathroom, and Hizashi invited him in the shower. The curtain was transparent, and a tasteful tuft of steam censored the naughty bits.

Aizawa leapt into the closet. Snow crunched under his boots, and a single lamp post stood out amongst the pine trees.

"Oh thank fuck. It's Narnia."

"Dear?" Hizashi called out. "What are you doing outside? The cold's no good for the baby!"

With dawning horror, Aizawa looked down. His belly was bloated like a dead whale. Screaming, Aizawa ran back into the closet.

In the darkness, voices called out to him. "It's useless to resist. You must. It is your destiny."

"Leave me alone! I'm not gay!"

"It's fanfiction. You are what we say you are."

Outside of the closet, Ms. Joke worriedly listened to Aizawa's sobs. "Do you think we took it too far?"

"He'll be fine," Nezu said. "I can always clone another one."

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

500

Poor Aizawa and Hizashi are always the token gay couple. They don't even get a proper romance, just a shotgun wedding off-screen because fanfiction demands it.