It didn't register in my brain that Sasha only referenced me in the past-tense. Perhaps that was my subconscious trying to push some worrying theories down.
Little Sasha was overjoyed to be going out into the city with me. He didn't have a coat- which I guess makes sense if he really was just at his own birthday party- so he was very content to wear one of my hoodies like an oversized sweater. He held onto my hand tight the entire time, uber excited to ride on the tube and go deeper into downtown. Heh, he insisted that he put his own ticket through the scanner and pushed all the buttons. Despite being my kid, it felt like I was babysitting the whole time….. Speaking of which.
I was sitting on a chair in the clinic's waiting room. Sasha entertained himself by playing with some blocks and duplo pieces on the floor in the kids' section. Course he was confused why we were there in the first place, or why the doctor pricked both our fingers with a needle. He wouldn't have any conception of a maternity test, and was adamant that I was his mother, despite my scepticism. This was more for my peace of mind than his, though I had no idea what I'd do anyway regardless of the test results.
I mean, I can't be a mother! Let alone a single mother. I just graduated from PhD a month ago and was still in mists of job hunting. I could barely afford to feed or house myself as it is; there wasn't enough in my savings account to cover two people's expenses. And I live in a complex with like five other PhD graduates. None of us even had the thought of starting a family on our minds. If Sasha couldn't return back to his own time, then he'd have to stay here with me….. But that raises a bunch of other difficulties. Forget my living situation or lack of job; he doesn't have any documents! How the hell am I supposed to explain that one? 'Oh, here's my son who I haven't conceived or given birth to, so he doesn't even have a birth certificate or any records.' I'd be arrested so fast, it'd make your head spin.
My palms pressed together as I watched him play carefree. Maybe I could spin it and say that he's my son; I just gave birth to him at home and handed him over for adoption with some agency, but now he's been returned to me. There has to be some way to deal with this legally. I can't tell anyone the truth, after all. Who'd believe me that my future son travelled back in time just to see me? Even I don't believe it, hence why we're here.
My head perked up at the sound of the door opening. Out stepped the doctor with a clipboard in his hand. He came over to take a seat down beside me in the waiting area. I think he wanted me to break the ice first, though he was already smiling.
"Well?" "Your results are in. He's your son; the test confirms it. 99.9% match. There's no way you could not be his birth mother." "Oh really…." My gaze drifted downward slightly. Despite not truly believing Sasha's story, I must admit that I wasn't surprised; I'd probably be more surprised if the test came back negative, if I'm honest. While the doctor was looking at my comprehensive expression, my eyes then just turned back to Sasha- this precious tiny boy who's my son… My son. My flesh and blood. My future child. My only child, by the sounds of it. While I had my vision locked onto him, the doctor pulled out his clipboard and rested it on one knee.
"He's not on our files. Sasha, right?" "Huh? Oh, yes. Um, well, he's recently….. come into my custody. B-Back into my custody, I mean. I-I'm not sure which doctor he's registered with. I-I…. I haven't seen him since he was a new-born; I just wanted to be extra-sure he is my biological child," that's true. Sasha's probably with a clinic in London which wouldn't have his information yet anyway. The doctor THANKFULLY took this at face value, nodding and scanning the paper.
"Where was he born?" "Uh, here, in Toronto," that's likely not true but I went with it; it was the best my frantic mind could come up with just then. He kept nodding, writing something down. "And you have full custody of him again?" "Yes," I too nodded at this. "So he's living downtown here with you?" "Yes. Um, I-I'll probably have to move very soon, but that's fine. I'll…. find somewhere else for us to live," in an area that's safe and in a good school district. The doctor scribbled more down before asking the dreaded question- one I was not prepared for. "Mmhmm, good good. And what about the dad? What's his father's name?"
Oh boy, did my heart skip a terrified beat, which I'm sure must have shown on my face. My eyes were as wide as dinner plates. Come on, think Kate; think! Say something, for Christ's sake! My lips hung open like a fish's, sputtering and silently gasping for air. "T-The dad! Uh, um, uh….. H-His father isn't…. in the picture. He doesn't want anything to do with his son." "Hmmmmmm, so you're a single mom, then?" "Yes! Y-Yes, it's just Sasha and me now. I…. I don't know where his dad is," well that's also technically true. I don't even know his dad's name or if we've met yet. Seeing as I give birth when I'm thirty, and I'm twenty-seven now, that doesn't give us a lot of time…..
The doctor asked me a few more rudimentary questions, gave Sasha a red lollipop, and waved us goodbye has he headed back into his office. I waited until he was gone before physically and emotionally collapsing into my chair. My right arm dangled limply at my side while my other hand came up to rest over top of my eyes. My mouth hung open, but no sound came out. My thoughts were racing, and entirely still at the same time. It's true….. It's true, then. Everything Sasha said….. It's real. He really IS my son, my child from the future. I've gone from being a childless, single woman on the hunt for a new job, to a single mother all in one morning. It was beyond literal comprehension; at least other mothers had nine months to prepare for parenthood, and here I was, just thrusted into it with no conscious will of my own. It was mind-blowing, really…..
Of course, Sasha was ignorant to all of this. As far as he was concerned, he'd gotten his birthday wish and was giddier than a clam. He clambered up onto the side on my other side, sucking on his lollipop and eying me with anticipation; he was practically bouncing in his seat.
"Are you sick, Mom?" "Uh, no. No, I'm fine….." "Then why are we at the doctor?" Why are we here…? My mind repeated as my hand dropped down off my face and I looked at my son. MY son. "I, er….. Mommy just wanted to check something. Thank you for being such a good boy and coming here with me." Sasha beamed at this, reaching over to take hold of my hand again. "Heh, I like it when you say "mommy"." "You do?" My eyebrow raised. "Mmhmm," he nodded, clinging onto my hand tightly. My legs were compelled to move as he began pulling me out of the chair. "Come on! We've still got lots to do together! Can we go to the zoo today? Oh! Or go see a football match?!" This kid likes animals and football, or soccer as we would say it here in Canada, a lot. I had to hold him back a little. "Wait, hold on. Don't pull, Sasha," yet my son continued to lead me out of the office with pride and eagerness.
We did a lot together that first day. Sasha wanted to try everything, go through every park, and chase every bird he saw. He utterly refused to let go of my hand and was even protective of me on occasion. "Mom, wait! Wait for the green man," he'd say whenever we went to cross the road. He'd look both ways and lead me onward once he was sure it was safe to do so. It began to dawn on me that the reason Sasha was so happy all the time was that he was spending time with me, being near me. He never gave me any indication that this wasn't his ordinary life back in his time, but it did strike me as a bit odd how enthusiastic he was. It also started to dawn on me that I could lose him at any second. Really, he appeared out of thin air into my life this morning; who's to say how long this wish will last or how long he'll be here? If he suddenly disappears and I don't know who the father is….. I'd never felt a fear before like when I imagined that I might never see my boy again. This needed rectifying and fast.
I asked Sasha where he wanted to eat dinner and he said McDonalds, so McDonalds is where we went. We both got a chicken nugget meal with sweet and sauce dipping sauce and a mcflurry. Heh, I guess the apple doesn't fall too far down from the tree. While he munched away on his food, I watched him resolutely. I had to be careful how I brought this up; he was only five, after all.
He dipped his Happy Meal nugget into the sauce and took a big bite. I slurped at my drink, waiting for just the right moment to finally address some of these monumental concerns. "Sasha?" "Hmmmmmm?" He was busy chewing. "Can you tell me who Daddy is? What's your dad's name?" "Anthony." "What's his last name?" "Bridgerton- same as ours." Huh. "Anthony Bridgerton….." My lips vaguely repeated. That name doesn't ring a bell; I can't say I've ever heard it before. Doubt we've actually met in person…..
"And where does Daddy live?" "Hmmmmm, uh, I don't know. We have two homes; one in London and the other….. um, I forget where, but it's kinda far away." Uh oh…. "Two homes? Is Daddy….. Is Daddy rich? Er, I mean does Daddy have a lot of money?" Sasha perked up at this, grinning wildly and spreading his arms out at his sides. "Oh yeah, Dad's super rich! He's got lots and lots of money!" Oh no….. Oh no, it can't be. Don't tell me that my future baby-daddy is uber wealthy. I'm not prepared for that kind of lifestyle! Edwina's the one who's always wanted the fancy cars and houses and titles. I just want to find a job, pay off my student loans, and live a happy, humble life. Where would I even meet this high-class "Anthony Bridgerton"? I doubt we'd frequent the same sorts of stores or restaurants or anything. This may in fact turn out to be a nightmare after all…..
Sasha picked up some fries and dipped them in ketchup. After partaking in them, he looked at me again, wiping his mouth with the back of his small hand. "But don't you know who Dad is?" "Er, well, no. I don't think so…" "How do you not know Dad?" This genuinely seemed to confuse him, as proven by his head cocking in that adorable fashion he was in. "Well, you see, sweetie; this is before you were born. Daddy and I didn't always know each other," evidently. He wiped his mouth again, still apparently confused. "But….. you still love him, right?" "I don't know him. I'm sure….. that we fall in love at some point," that must be the case for us to get married and have a child together. Sasha still didn't seem to get it, peering downward thoughtfully.
"How can you….. not love Dad? I thought you always loved him." "I'm sure I do…. or will. It's… complicated. I've never met your father; I need to get to know him first before I fall in love with him." This statement alarmed Sasha, who sat up straight in his seat and stared at my face intently.
"What about me?" "Huh?" "You said this morning that you don't know who I am. If you don't love Dad cause you don't know him, then…. Does that mean that you don't love me either?" There was such tenderness, such hope and despair in his voice all at once; it actually made me want to cry. My brain went reeling again and I realized my mistake. Every inch of me screamed to fix this and NOW! Without any forethought, my hand stretched across the table to grab hold of his, squeezing it warmly. Sasha didn't say anything, anxiously waiting for me to speak, I'm sure. I cradled his tiny hand in mine, coiling my fingers around the back of his palm.
"Sasha, no! The love between….. between a mommy and daddy is very different than a love between a mother and her child. I might not know you yet, but that…. that doesn't matter." My boy gaped up at me with large, moist eyes; his bottom lip quivering. "So you're really not mad, then…..? Mad that I came here to see you?" "No, honey; I'm not mad. I'm just…. surprised, that's all. No; no, I'm happy that you're here, Sasha." His bottom lip wouldn't stop trembling; I think this kid had a lot of pent up emotions that were just now coming to the surface….. Now that he felt more comfortable around me.
He wiped the corner of his eyes with his free hand. "I'm sorry, but I've never seen you and I've dreamed of meeting you my whole life, and I thought….. I thought you might want to meet me too." I could only behold my son with horror, still holding- clinging- onto his tiny hand. "Y-You've….. never met me before?" "No." My jaw hung open in awe and despondency, unable to process what I was hearing just now. "W-What…. I-I don't…. I don't understand. How…. How could you have never me, your mother, before? T-That doesn't….. No, that's not true. That's not possible," I can't imagine being a mother now, but I equally can't imagine a world where I have a kid and am not even remotely in that kid's life. Sasha shrugged, glancing away shyly. "Grandma just said that when I came down from heaven, you went up to it," his tone was low and sad. I ogled him with breathless, immovable eyes….
I die in childbirth.
Now it all makes sense! So that's why he used his birthday wish to come see me! That's why he doesn't have any siblings, and always refers to me in his time in the past tense. I'm dead in the future! But no….. No! How's that happen? How's that possible?! I'm a healthy, young, strong woman. There's no history of trauma when it comes to childbirth in my family. I should be able to carry and birth a child without any problem! What happened?! Why did I die? And wait…. So I have Sasha when I'm thirty, and I'm twenty-seven now… You mean to tell me that I only have THREE bloodily years left?! No! No, no, no! I just graduated from PhD! I want a career! I want a family! I want to be with my son! No, I can't die like that! It must be avoidable now that I know about it, right? It's not set-in-stone that I will absolutely die, is it? Isn't there some medical procedure or something doctors can do now that we know I'm at high-risk of emergency when it comes to the birthing process? There has to be some way around this!
Sasha must have read the sudden and explicit terror written all over my face cause he suddenly resumed the consoler role between us. "Mom? Mom, are you ok?" "Huh, what?" My head shot up like a flash. Sasha's hand unwrapped itself from mine, proceeding to take hold of my hand in his comfortingly. He looked very worried as well.
"I-I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean to make you sad." "U-Uh, no! No, you didn't; Mommy's not sad. It's just….. Are you SURE that you've never met me before?" He nodded resolutely. Then he squeezed my hand again. "I really wanted to meet you though. And you're even better than I imagined!" "R-Really?" I replied but my thoughts were still elsewhere. Sasha beamed again and it dawned on me that while this is an earth-shattering revelation for me, this is his normal reality. Sasha's never known a world where I'm also in it…. Of course he's going to be ecstatic to be with me right now, as shown by what he elected to talk about.
Sasha smiled from ear to ear. "You're really beautiful, and you smell really nice! And I like the sound of your voice- much softer than Dad's." "Sasha….." I blinked down at my son again, still shell-shocked. He breathed, bringing my hand closer to where he was sitting across the table. "I'm so glad you're not mad. I just love you so much. Dad and Grandma always said that you loved me too, but it's not the same. I wanted to see you…. It's not fair that all my friends and cousins have their moms; I wanted to have you too. I just…. I just hope that you love me as much as I love you."
This kid….. Staring at my son made me understand the situation in a whole new light. Here I am, thinking about me dying in three years, but what about him? What about the child I brought into this world? He loves me so much…. He's lived five years without a mother; it doesn't sound like his father remarried. My future husband lost a wife, and he lost his mother… I can't imagine what that's like, growing up without ever meeting your mother. Forget about me; what about him? I have to find a way to stay alive, if not for my sake, for his. It dawned on me that this isn't about me anymore; this is about Sasha. I made it about him the moment I got- or will get- pregnant with him. I have to do everything in my power….. to give this sweet little boy his mother back.
Suddenly wearing a determinate and adoring smile, I gently guided my son out of his chair and around the table. He came into my arms, where I embraced him for the very first time. Sasha shut his eyes, soaking in the experience. His frame felt so tiny and fragile….. I had to do everything in my power to protect it. Heh, I guess I have some insanely strong maternal instincts; they were unlocked the moment he showed up in my room out of nowhere. I held him tight and kissed his hair, cooing into his ear.
"I've loved you your whole life, Sasha….."